Dad not providing for his kids yet providing for GF?

LegacyUser

in short my ex is experianceing money probs he for the last 2 months did not pay finally managed to get money last week since i had to stop access to get him to pay maint, he is trying to get out of paying for kids all i want is 300 a month for 3 kids, not much really, we did kind of talk yesterday he made first contact and since it was xmas day i said we just leave things for after xmas any way he was there when kids got up at 8am in the mean time his gf kept ringing him and telling him to come home to her between 8 and 10am and last phone call i heard her saying ''do you not care for me'' he was playing with the kids at the time this was the first time he had seen them in a month and a half! but i found out she has been paying nothing towards his mortgage he says she works part time 20 hours while he works full time and is stuggleling bigtime and has missed his first payment on his mortgage?? i don't know what to think after her phone calls yesterday as it was the kids who are the ones she is playing with as for myself i am not a treat to there relationship since i am not in to guys i am in to women, i told him to get his priorites right ie kids come first but i think she is the one with the trousers!!

Nevyn

Is the maintance agreement back by the courts ?
If not I suggest you get that done and use that route to try and make sure that he pays
after that what or who he spends his money on is not your concern.

Yes it does sound like those phone calls were rude but he should have turned the phone off but that just shows his lack of good manners and you can't change that but you can
try and set guidlines for when he visits the kids in terms of what is and is not acceptable
but that ideall should be something that you come to an agreement yourselfs via mediation if needs be.

Carrigart Exile

frustratedmum wrote: »

in short my ex is experianceing money probs he for the last 2 months did not pay finally managed to get money last week since i had to stop access to get him to pay maint, he is trying to get out of paying for kids all i want is 300 a month for 3 kids, not much really, we did kind of talk yesterday he made first contact and since it was xmas day i said we just leave things for after xmas any way he was there when kids got up at 8am in the mean time his gf kept ringing him and telling him to come home to her between 8 and 10am and last phone call i heard her saying ''do you not care for me'' he was playing with the kids at the time this was the first time he had seen them in a month and a half! but i found out she has been paying nothing towards his mortgage he says she works part time 20 hours while he works full time and is stuggleling bigtime and has missed his first payment on his mortgage?? i don't know what to think after her phone calls yesterday as it was the kids who are the ones she is playing with as for myself i am not a treat to there relationship since i am not in to guys i am in to women, i told him to get his priorites right ie kids come first but i think she is the one with the trousers!!

Access and maintenance are two completely different things, how dare you use the children as a weapon or a bargaining tool

LegacyUser

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Access and maintenance are two completely different things, how dare you use the children as a weapon or a bargaining tool

What am i suppose to do?? Our kids are missing out it was me who bought the santa stuff i am only on lone parents! 300 is not much a month foor 3 kids? is it?? its going through the courts at the moment it was put back 2 months i'd rather get this sorted sooner rather than later i am the full time mum here he only wants them when she is ok with it!

MagicMarker

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Access and maintenance are two completely different things, how dare you use the children as a weapon or a bargaining tool

I agree.

OP, it's clear he's having money problems, it may not be easy on you considering you probably need that money too, but if he's missing mortgage repayments then the threat of not seeing his children is hardly something he needs right now, nor will it help with his finances. Maybe a little understanding on your part would be of benefit to him at the minute? For all you know he missed mortgage repayment because he had to give 300 to you just so he could see his kids!

LegacyUser

I am screwed here i had to get a hand out from SVP this year His gf has done nothing to get a full time job plays the lady of the house fair enough if they were married but there not theres a reason why he clocked up a massive credit card bill and it was not the kids! My kids are my 1st priorty as they are not really top of there fathers!

Overheal

If he isnt paying maintenance, report it, don't deny access. By denying access, he can report that and get the maintenance fees readjusted.

As Thaed mentions if your spereration is not backed by the courts then there isnt much to be said. At any time he can choose to stop paying, yet at any time you can do the wrong thing and deny your children access to their father. And (at any time) he can get the courts involved as much as you can, and how you compose yourself in the meantime will determine how it will all play out.

Instead of warring with your ex, cooperate: with a bit of leniency he will be all the more open to listen to your ideas for raising your children in a healthy environment and re-prioritizing his life - like getting the girlfriend to pitch in or check out. Surely the reason he hasnt seen them in 6 weeks is because he's working his ass off.

At the moment, it sounds as if you are being every bit as controlling of him as his girlfriend, so don't pretend to take the high horse - Her manipulative little phone calls and your playing keymaster with the kids are much the same menace. And all it does it make him hostile, and generates a poisoned situation for your kids to live with.

metrovelvet

If you want financial leverage and consistent maintenace, use the courts, not the kids.

He has an immature girlfriend who is insecure and emotionally blackmailing him because she is having a sibling rivalry complex with his children. There is really nothing you can do about this.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

What am i suppose to do?? Our kids are missing out it was me who bought the santa stuff i am only on lone parents! 300 is not much a month foor 3 kids? is it?? its going through the courts at the moment it was put back 2 months i'd rather get this sorted sooner rather than later i am the full time mum here he only wants them when she is ok with it!

Unregistered wrote: »

I am screwed here i had to get a hand out from SVP this year His gf has done nothing to get a full time job plays the lady of the house fair enough if they were married but there not theres a reason why he clocked up a massive credit card bill and it was not the kids! My kids are my 1st priorty as they are not really top of there fathers!

It sounds like you have more of an issue with his gf than you do with the finances tbh.

You say he missed the last two months payments and that he hadn't seen his kids in a month and a half. So you prevented him from seeing his kids after only two weeks without money, do you not think that was a little rash?

If he didn't care for his kids he would have never payed child support and he wouldn't have given you the last 300 when he has money issues.

LegacyUser

i am not a fan of people who live off other people period the gf before her got a lot of money out of him in a short time then dumped him! I have to provide for my kids somehow my youngest child has a disabilty and i'd love to get a job so i did not have to depend on maint but i have to pay rent esb gas ect !

LegacyUser

This sickens me...maintenance and access are two completely separate issues and your children lose out because of your selfishness, which is better that they have material possesions or they get to spend time with their father????

I am a single parent and my child's father chooses not to see him and has not paid maintenance in over 3 years. I would rather he was in contact with our child than pay maintenance if he didn't have it. Yes, being a single parent is tough, but the onus is also on you to provide financially for your children. Is there a medical problem with you or your children that you cannot work?

Plenty of parents both single and married have children and still manage to work, sounds to me like you think he should provide and you should just be able to be a fulltime mother.

I would love to be a fulltime mother but i'm a single mother and that means having to work to provide a future for my child, instead of relying on handouts from the state.... what is that teaching your children???

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

Is there a medical problem with you or your children that you cannot work?

Cross posts here folks. Please don't be so judgemental.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

This sickens me...maintenance and access are two completely separate issues and your children lose out because of your selfishness, which is better that they have material possesions or they get to spend time with their father????

I am a single parent and my child's father chooses not to see him and has not paid maintenance in over 3 years. I would rather he was in contact with our child than pay maintenance if he didn't have it. Yes, being a single parent is tough, but the onus is also on you to provide financially for your children. Is there a medical problem with you or your children that you cannot work?

Plenty of parents both single and married have children and still manage to work, sounds to me like you think he should provide and you should just be able to be a fulltime mother.

I would love to be a fulltime mother but i'm a single mother and that means having to work to provide a future for my child, instead of relying on handouts from the state.... what is that teaching your children???

Yes actually if you have read what i have said my youngest daughter has a disabilty in which she spent the first 2 years in a hospital and then the other 2 have learning/speech problems which have me flying every where from one day to the other!

Nevyn

Carrigart Exile banned for 1 week for unhelpful posting.

Boston

Unregistered wrote: »

This sickens me...maintenance and access are two completely separate issues and your children lose out because of your selfishness, which is better that they have material possesions or they get to spend time with their father????

Material processions like food, a roof, and heating.

I am a single parent and my child's father chooses not to see him and has not paid maintenance in over 3 years. I would rather he was in contact with our child than pay maintenance if he didn't have it. Yes, being a single parent is tough, but the onus is also on you to provide financially for your children. Is there a medical problem with you or your children that you cannot work?

€300 Euro isn't enough to raise 3 kids on, what makes you think the OP doesn't work?

Plenty of parents both single and married have children and still manage to work, sounds to me like you think he should provide and you should just be able to be a fulltime mother.

Is there such a thing as a part time mother?

I would love to be a fulltime mother but i'm a single mother and that means having to work to provide a future for my child, instead of relying on handouts from the state.... what is that teaching your children???

Where the hell are you getting this crap from. The op mentioned nothing about the state. Sounds like you're deliberately reading in what you want to the post.

b3t4

Unregistered wrote: »

i am not a fan of people who live off other people period the gf before her got a lot of money out of him in a short time then dumped him! I have to provide for my kids somehow my youngest child has a disabilty and i'd love to get a job so i did not have to depend on maint but i have to pay rent esb gas ect !

And he has bills to pay too. Money goes only so far I'm afraid.

How about you get a mediator so that ye can both sit down and discuss your situation? I'm afraid I can't offer too much help on how to go about getting one but perhaps if you use google you might find somewhere.

Please don't use the kids in the way you have. They need to see Dad and they especially need to see Dad around Christmas. Dad's are very important to kids and it's lovely to hear that the father of your children wants to be around.

I feel for you as I believe you are hugely stressed right now and not thinking clearly. We've all done it. Go and talk to the mabs people. Bring along your ex partner as well. http://www.mabs.ie/

I hope the New Year is better for you, your kids and your ex partner.

A.

Nevyn

Yes it is horrible that he seems to be shirking his responsibilities to his children both in terms of financial support and being in thier lives and being an active parent esp at this time of year.

But all you can do is take a step away and see that you can't change him or fix him or make him make better choices.

All you can do it the best for the children even if that means that you know and will have to learn to not rely on him what so ever which frankly sucks as he is your co parent and their father. Hopefully he will learn to value the relationship with his children and will want to spend time with them.

LegacyUser

For Boston

I can only go on what I read in the post.

1. OP never mentioned her children had disabilities, hence i asked the question
2. Material possesions--- OP mentioned she had to buy all the Santa presents.... these are the material possessions i was referring to
3. OP mentioned she was receiving Lone Parents -- this is STATE payment
4. Yes I know only full well that 300 euro's a week goes nowhere as I have stated I too am a single parent.
5. As for the part-time parent comment, i, of course was referring to staying at home fulltime not being a part-time parent, apologies i tend to presume people are on my wavelength

Yes, it is unfortunate that fathers for whatever reason opt not to provide financially for their children, but the children should not suffer because of it


If all 3 children have disabilities of some sort, I would have thought that it would be very important for them to have plenty of time with both sets of parents, not for one parent to dictate when they see their father because of money issues.

As i said maintenance and access should be dealt with separately for the welfare of the children

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

i am not a fan of people who live off other people period the gf before her got a lot of money out of him in a short time then dumped him! I have to provide for my kids somehow my youngest child has a disabilty and i'd love to get a job so i did not have to depend on maint but i have to pay rent esb gas ect !

She's working. He's working. You're not.

There are options. Like getting a job, and moving in with family if you havent already. You may not be a fan of 'living off' other people but it sounds like thats your reality right now. As Boston says, 300 Euro a month is not going to raise 3 kids. Start working somewhere so you're at least bringing in 50.00 euro not 0.00 euro. You can only play the victim for so long - children need parents, not pity.

Nevyn

Overheal the cost of childcare for 3 children often negates the point of having the children in child care in order to be able to work esp if one of the children has specail needs and disablities.

Get a job is not always an option for parents or single parents.

Overheal

Fair, but it shouldnt rule it out. The children can more or less be minded by family in some cases. What kind of special needs does your one need? What ages are the three of them? We were all of schoolfaring age during my parents divorce; we moved in with our granny and my mom did 2 jobs, one of them a night shift. I can't say it was easy on her, but it worked.

metrovelvet

Overheal wrote: »

Fair, but it shouldnt rule it out. The children can more or less be minded by family in some cases. What kind of special needs does your one need? What ages are the three of them? We were all of schoolfaring age during my parents divorce; we moved in with our granny and my mom did 2 jobs, one of them a night shift. I can't say it was easy on her, but it worked.

That's nice if there's a granny around who is young enought, fit enough, and willing enough,and unemployed enough to look after three kids.

Overheal

Oh hell no, she was old. Slept and smoked. Witty awl cook though. Really age plays a factor here with the kids - if theyre old enough to behave a bit.

MagicMarker

It doesn't matter who pays for what, who can look after who and what job someone can or cannot work.

The fact is, if the father doesn't have the money then he doesn't have the money. Take his kids away from him won't change that and is not the way to go about getting it.

Overheal

That was my other next point. Changing the Phone Number around and blocking us from speaking with our dad did nothing to discourage him from skipping the country and missing out on support payments.

themadchef

Op i know it's not easy raising three kids on your own, but for now that's the situation you find yourself in.

You are angry about the money and feel it's a reflection of how much he cares for his children. This may not be the case at all, in fact seeing his children less may be the way that he's dealing with the seperation for now.

He may also be under financial pressure. It's easy to get angry and shut him off from the kids as you know this will hurt him. The kids love their Dad...so in effect youre actually hurting them. Don't do it.

Forget about her, if he's silly enough to let her bleed him dry...thats his concern, i can see how it makes you angry as you feel he's spending yours / the kids money on her. It's not yours till it hits your bank account. Wait for the courts, i'm not sure about back payment?

Try to do the best you can while you wait for the court ordered payment. Do not fester in anger over this, it will show and the kids will feel it. You cannot let your personal feelings for your ex affect the way the children view their father. They should not be concerned with money or bitterness..the're kids at the end of the day. Just be the bigger person, it's all for the kids... you know that. If youre having serious money trouble try MABS they are supposed to be very good.

Best of luck.

metrovelvet

MagicMarker wrote: »

It doesn't matter who pays for what, who can look after who and what job someone can or cannot work.

The fact is, if the father doesn't have the money then he doesn't have the money. Take his kids away from him won't change that and is not the way to go about getting it.

I would just add that maintenance can be recovered, but childhood cannot. You cannot put a price on the time they ARE NOT having with their father. Surely if they do not have access to him, let this fall on his head, and don't add to it.

LegacyUser

Does anyone have any morals here! Childcare 3 kids 8/5 and 3(who has a sn) Anything from 1500 to 2000 a month? I have been trying to get him to take the kids more but he does not so it does not really affect him and his gf is happy having all to herself!

metrovelvet

Overheal wrote: »

Oh hell no, she was old. Slept and smoked. Witty awl cook though. Really age plays a factor here with the kids - if theyre old enough to behave a bit.

Well she had health, unemployment and willingness to to this. Not everyone has this.

littlebug

metrovelvet wrote: »

Well she had health, unemployment and willingness to to this. Not everyone has this.

Even getting paid childcare who can cope with school runs can be difficult never mind someone who can handle therapy appointments etc.

Nevyn

Overheal this thread is not about your childhood, please start a separate thread.

CDfm

frustratedmum wrote: »

in short my ex is experianceing money probs he for the last 2 months did not pay finally managed to get money last week since i had to stop access to get him to pay maint, he is trying to get out of paying for kids all i want is 300 a month for 3 kids, not much really, we did kind of talk yesterday he made first contact and since it was
xmas day i said we just leave things for after xmas any way he was there when kids got up at 8am in the mean time his gf kept ringing him and telling him to come home to her between 8 and 10am and last phone call i heard her saying ''do you not care for me'' he was playing with the kids at the time this was the first time he had seen them in a month and a half!

You didnt have to stop access - you made a decision to hold the children hostage.you held on to the kids till he paid.

if he is having money problems you are kicking him when he is down.You stopped access after 2 weeks.

i sympathise for the moneyproblems - but there is a recession on and things are hard.

What you did with the kids was like kidnap and was really bad -and I know women posting wont agree with me - but in California women who do that are arrested and jailed and proper order.You should never ever use the kids as a weapon.

On the other side of it I know of guys who have recently been in court and who have had their maintainance reduced to nil.

It is a double edged sword. Him having problems in his new relationship wont help you.If he cant work you will get nothing.

metrovelvet

CDfm wrote: »

You didnt have to stop access - you made a decision to hold the children hostage.you held on to the kids till he paid.

if he is having money problems you are kicking him when he is down.You stopped access after 2 weeks.

i sympathise for the moneyproblems - but there is a recession on and things are hard.

What you did with the kids was like kidnap and was really bad -and I know women posting wont agree with me - but in California women who do that are arrested and jailed and proper order.You should never ever use the kids as a weapon.

On the other side of it I know of guys who have recently been in court and who have had their maintainance reduced to nil.

It is a double edged sword. Him having problems in his new relationship wont help you.If he cant work you will get nothing.

Im sorry cdfm, while I can sympathise with your outrage, I do not support or endorce the American system, they do the same in NY state as what you say they do in CA, which puts dads in jail for not paying maintennace and moms in jail for denying access.

Yeah, in CA she wouldn;t have to deny access, because the state would have done it for her, and he'd be in prison.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

Im sorry cdfm, while I can sympathise with your outrage, I do not support or endorce the American system, they do the same in NY state as what you say they do in CA, which puts dads in jail for not paying maintennace and moms in jail for denying access.

Yeah, in CA she wouldn;t have to deny access, because the state would have done it for her, and he'd be in prison.

If it is court ordered maintainance it can be means tested and varied and that includes downwards.

In Ireland maintenance payments are enforced with jail

I think the US system is very fair that way and its only a matter of time until lawyers in Ireland will start asking for jail time for missed access -the courts have the power to do this. When you rely on the courts -eventually you do arrive at the point where criminal penalties are applied but the thing is they work in NYC and California and should be tried here to enforce access.

I imagine it would free up the Family Courts and get rid of the backlog.Metro -you dont seem very keen on Equality.

metrovelvet

I dont think Ireland should use jail either to enforce maintenance, and I couldnt say how successfull they are with this method either. A parent with a prison record does no good for the children. And you want these people incarcerated with thugs and god knows who else only to learn more crime?

MagicMarker

unregg wrote: »

Does anyone have any morals here! Childcare 3 kids 8/5 and 3(who has a sn) Anything from 1500 to 2000 a month? I have been trying to get him to take the kids more but he does not so it does not really affect him and his gf is happy having all to herself!

Did you stop him seeing his kids because he didn't pay up or because he has a girlfriend?

Once you go through the legal process you can arrange child support and you can arrange visitation, you can have it so you husband has the children one or two nights a week.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe a guy who willingly pays child support of his own accord (when he has it) without legal implications would not want to have his kids stay over every once in a while.

MIN2511

OP, i have noticed that in all your posts you keep refering to the gf. I think you have a problem with his gf, not him.
Are you jealous he's moved on and you haven't? You referred to his previous gf milking him dry, the only way you would know this is if you keep tabs on him.
You have to discuss maintenance with him, if he cannot afford it then there isn't much you can do.
No point keeping the kids away from him, it may bite you in the rear when your kids grow up.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

I dont think Ireland should use jail either to enforce maintenance, and I couldnt say how successfull they are with this method either. A parent with a prison record does no good for the children. And you want these people incarcerated with thugs and god knows who else only to learn more crime?

I think its about time there was proper enforcement of access with jail sentences if thats what it takes.

Maybe someone can clarify that family law is a civil matter but the penalties are criminal. I imagine a few women in jail who breach court orders in jail as examples would get the system running as it should.

Its long overdue.

metrovelvet

MagicMarker wrote: »

I'm sorry, but I don't believe a guy who willingly pays child support of his own accord (when he has it) without legal implications would not want to have his kids stay over every once in a while.

Believe it.

CDfm wrote:

I think the US system is very fair that way and its only a matter of time until lawyers in Ireland will start asking for jail time for missed access -the courts have the power to do this. When you rely on the courts -eventually you do arrive at the point where criminal penalties are applied but the thing is they work in NYC and California and should be tried here to enforce access.

Really? And you want kids to visit their parents in prison? How are you supposed to provide child support if your in prison, whether you're the mother or the father? It causes the very thing it is trying to punish. Financial penalties to the OTHER party, not the STATE, and or community service, with no criminal record for first offences.

CDfm wrote:

I imagine it would free up the Family Courts and get rid of the backlog.Metro -you dont seem very keen on Equality.

Why would you think this would clear up the family courts? You'd have appeals, bail, motions, counter motions, all sorts of disputes, charges, hostilities, etc.

LegacyUser

MIN2511 wrote: »

OP, i have noticed that in all your posts you keep refering to the gf. I think you have a problem with his gf, not him.
Are you jealous he's moved on and you haven't? You referred to his previous gf milking him dry, the only way you would know this is if you keep tabs on him.
You have to discuss maintenance with him, if he cannot afford it then there isn't much you can do.
No point keeping the kids away from him, it may bite you in the rear when your kids grow up.

Before yesterday morning I gave her benifit of dought! If someone has a problem with the kids well then of course its my problem i am not the insecure one I am not the one who is jelouse of 3 kids who want to spend time with their dad, the ex has baggage his 3 kids and his priorty should be his 3 kids be it money or qualty time spent with there dad they should not have to compete ! He has told me about his finances I'm not keeping tabs on him ! He should not have to make choices that's emotional blackmail and these kids are his flesh and blood!

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

Really? And you want kids to visit their parents in prison? How are you supposed to provide child support if your in prison, whether you're the mother or the father? It causes the very thing it is trying to punish. Financial penalties to the OTHER party, not the STATE, and or community service, with no criminal record for first offences.



Why would you think this would clear up the family courts? You'd have appeals, bail, motions, counter motions, all sorts of disputes, charges, hostilities, etc.

Well men are jailed for non-payment of maintenance. Family law problems are caused by this inequality and pro-woman bias. As the law stands a woman can be fined or jailed for failure to comply with an access order but it never happens.Jail is the only really equal option.

However -the courts do not apply the law. In order to avoid jail -women could simply obey court orders.

I think its a very good idea as people obey court orders out of fear.It would bring equality into the system. Witholding children is as bad as kidnap and is dispicable. The punishment should fit the crime.

solas

unregg wrote: »

Does anyone have any morals here! Childcare 3 kids 8/5 and 3(who has a sn) Anything from 1500 to 2000 a month? I have been trying to get him to take the kids more but he does not so it does not really affect him and his gf is happy having all to herself!

I don't think morals apply to most people but consider the majority of people responding to you are male so if nothing else, don't get too upset if they are unable to comprehend your point of view.

I'm not sure of the details but if you are in full receipt of lone parents allowance then any maintenance must be declared by you and the difference will be deducted from your weekly allowance. If on the other hand the child's father is unable to make payments you are entitled to claim full support. Fcuk anyone who wants you to put you down for claiming what you are within your rights to receive. Thats what it is there for.

Maintenance and visitation issues can be resolved without going through the courts, contact your local citizens advice for more info they might be able to guide you in the right direction and bear in mind that unless maintenance specifics are outlined in writing they are meaningless in any legal sense. You do have the right to protect your family too.


edit, also, don't be afraid to let him go. I know it might be difficult right now but in time you will adjust to a new way of life. Men can walk away and women do get left holding the baby and accepting that reality can be a real sh!tfest but once you do, you get a little stronger and life gets a little easier

carlowguy32

Unregistered wrote: »

This sickens me...maintenance and access are two completely separate issues and your children lose out because of your selfishness, which is better that they have material possesions or they get to spend time with their father????

I am a single parent and my child's father chooses not to see him and has not paid maintenance in over 3 years. I would rather he was in contact with our child than pay maintenance if he didn't have it. Yes, being a single parent is tough, but the onus is also on you to provide financially for your children. Is there a medical problem with you or your children that you cannot work?

Plenty of parents both single and married have children and still manage to work, sounds to me like you think he should provide and you should just be able to be a fulltime mother.

I would love to be a fulltime mother but i'm a single mother and that means having to work to provide a future for my child, instead of relying on handouts from the state.... what is that teaching your children???

jesus christ i am separated from my partner, and it is money this and maintaince that, she hasnt worked a day in her life, i thought it was natural to pay money and let her bring up the kids as a lone parent, do you actually mean loan mothers can go out and get a job?? my ex is living like victoria beckam, only she lives in a council house

metrovelvet

CDfm wrote: »

Well men are jailed for non-payment of maintenance. Family law problems are caused by this inequality and pro-woman bias. As the law stands a woman can be fined or jailed for failure to comply with an access order but it never happens.Jail is the only really equal option.
.

Neither should be jailed. Equal enough for you. I have said this from the start. Family law problems are caused by a multitude of things, the system itself for a start, which is designed to keep the lawyers rich.

unregistered wrote:

Before yesterday morning I gave her benifit of dought! If someone has a problem with the kids well then of course its my problem i am not the insecure one I am not the one who is jelouse of 3 kids who want to spend time with their dad, the ex has baggage his 3 kids and his priorty should be his 3 kids be it money or qualty time spent with there dad they should not have to compete ! He has told me about his finances I'm not keeping tabs on him ! He should not have to make choices that's emotional blackmail and these kids are his flesh and blood!

He will justify it by saying that they cant be a priority for him because making money is right now with the financial pressures of a mortgage and child support. There is nothing you can do about this or his will to see his children. Don't worry, he will feel it when he is old and it is too late. In the mean time, secure your maintenance, but use the courts, don't use access, not fair on the kids and it plays right into both of their hands, GF gets to practise parental alianation by proxy and you get to be pictured as a controlling demon.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

He will justify it by saying that they cant be a priority for him because making money is right now with the financial pressures of a mortgage and child support. There is nothing you can do about this or his will to see his children. Don't worry, he will feel it when he is old and it is too late. In the mean time, secure your maintenance, but use the courts, don't use access, not fair on the kids and it plays right into both of their hands, GF gets to practise parental alianation by proxy and you get to be pictured as a controlling demon.

I have no problem with maintenance issues.

But he should be bringing the kids to his own place and seeing the kids in the OPs home is weird.He should have the kids in his own home.Metro- you are linking maintenence to access.

It could be the GF is worried for him and his safety or happiness. I dont blame her.Who would blame her -he has been denied access and the OP has already sought a court remedy- and if the GF is worried who would blame her.

GFs earnings are not taken into account in calculating the fathers means.There are lots of women who are the main earner nowdays.

Maybe he doesnt have the means -the OP hasnt said what work he does -and how he is paid or indeed what benefits she is claiming. So their may not be a financial benefit for her taking the court route.Other then denying access which he will get anyway at his home.

metrovelvet

CDfm wrote: »

I have no problem with maintenance issues.

But he should be bringing the kids to his own place and seeing the kids in the OPs home is weird.He should have the kids in his own home.Metro- you are linking maintenence to access.

Yes, but my impression is that he doesnt bring them to his home because the GF doesnt want them there. Pretty screwed up not being welcome in your own father's home.

How am I linking access to maintenance? I have repeatedly said in this thread and others that they are separate.

CDfm wrote: »

It could be the GF is worried for him and his safety or happiness. I dont blame her.Who would blame her -he has been denied access and the OP has already sought a court remedy- and if the GF is worried who would blame her.

Safety? Why safety? What gives you the impression the ex is in potential danger?

CDfm wrote: »

GFs earnings are not taken into account in calculating the fathers means.There are lots of women who are the main earner nowdays.

No but in the Irish courts each parents expenses are. So if the GF is not contributing his expenses rise and this will decrease maintenance contributions.

CDfm wrote: »

Maybe he doesnt have the means -the OP hasnt said what work he does -and how he is paid or indeed what benefits she is claiming. So their may not be a financial benefit for her taking the court route.Other then denying access which he will get anyway at his home.

He may very well not have the means. But she hasnt got the means either.

LegacyUser

He called up to me Xmas morning he was the one who made first contact he called up to my place at 3 am a little weird and for the next 2 hours we talked a bout everything he asked me about my girlfriend's told me about his house ect I gave him a duvet at 5 and got back in to my bed and then woke me bout 7 am then the 2 elder kids get up and see their dad and the toys in the meantime his gf is ringing and she is not happy from 8 to 10am she rings him 5/6 times last call she said do you not care about me ? You. Can take what ever you want out of it we both had a laugh with the kids and to be quite honest I would not have minded if his gf was with him things did improve but his gf has a negative thing about the kids!

cooperguy

I think some people are being a bit hard on the OP here. OP sit down with the father and figure out where he stands. Can he genuinely not pay maintanence? Try come to some sort of arrangement if he cant. Taking away access is a last resort and probably will come back to hurt you.

You should also try and get any agreements backed by the courts.

CDfm

cooperguy wrote: »

Taking away access is a last resort and probably will come back to hurt you.

You should also try and get any agreements backed by the courts.

Cooperguy - its illegal for the OP to withold access. She is acting unlawfully and access and maintenance are 2 seperate issues. Its not a last resort she simply shouldnt do it ever.

Courts dont back agreements -they step in if agreements cant be reached.Courts are used for enforcement. The father is can also the courts and apply for access, joint custody, safety,protection and anything else and the OPs behavior and motivation will also be under scrutiny too.

It is a double edged sword. To imply that it isnt reality.

Going to court is simply admitting that agreement cant be reached.Once this is done the court then regulates behavior and a person has lost the right to make decisions. That happens from day 1.

Trinity

OP I get why you are upset. He was spending christmas morning with his children and he was getting phone calls being told to leave them.

Ok I know its difficult when you are struggling this time of year especially, and you are desperate and he wont pay up, but try not to use the children to get the money. Your best bet is to go to court. Does he get paid by the week or the month? Would he manage better if he gave you the money by the week?

People here are saying if he hasnt got it he hasnt got it but at the end of the day his children need to be fed and clothed. He should find a way to set this money aside and see it as a bill, a necessity. Could you or I not buy food and say i just didnt have it? No we would make damn sure we had it and fed our children.

Out of curiousity did he and the gf buy the house together or did she move in with him?

You are going to have to take the gf out of the equation. Sit down and talk to him, set rules. He should see the children on a set day for a set amount of time. His phone should be turned off or he should ignore it.

The money should be a given each month/week. You are raising the children alone, you should not have to worry about money as well, well we all worry about money but you should be able to depend on his maintenance. You need to know where you stand when you have children to feed.

Childcare is crazy money, what you would earn you would hand straight back out to the minders, if not more. If it is not an option for you dont dare let anyone guilt you into going out to work.

There is plenty of time when all the children are in school to get yourself a little job in the mornings just to get out and mix and feel independant.

In the meantime, you know that its possible to apply for carers allowance if your little one has special needs? I'm not sure where you apply but its the social welfare anyway.

MIN2511

Op, is there any way you can take up a part time job? Because if your ex has defaulted his mortgage for the first time it can only mean one thing-things may be getting worse!
With 2009 before us, many would be made redundant, many would emigrate at the end of the day if you are short of money you should look after your kids first.

Life is all about sharing, you have kids and you have responsibilities(so does the ex) unfortunately in most situations the mothers invest emotionally, mentally, financially and physically more into the upkeep of the child.

I think knows his priorities but he does not know how to manage them, give him time. Please do not use access to the kids as a bargaining tool for maintenance.