here today........

busted flush

He was in great sprits last night. He finished work early and met peter in the pub for what was now almost a christmas tradition. Oh my god ,the laugh they had , Dave was always a ladies man and last night was no exception. They drank and danced and after just like always they ended up in the chipper. As ususl dave got the large meal deal with nuggets too, peter slaged him for being a "FAT BASTARD", but he was not fat, in fact for his thirty years on this planet he was in pretty good shape, the army does that for you.
Early morning marches. He could not belive when he got back to the barracks that once again he had locked his keys into his quaters. Still the drain pipe was always the back up plan. Last night though he fell, and never woke up!
rip dave

shut up!

That was fantastically put.

Insect Overlord

Probably the best one yet B_F, nicely done.

sitout

well done man.

busted flush

WHAT NO NEGATIVITY. WHERE DO I COMPLAIN!

ElCrapula

busted flush wrote: »

He was in great sprits last night. He finished work early and met peter in the pub for what was now almost a christmas tradition. Oh my god ,the laugh they had , Dave was always a ladies man and last night was no exception. They drank and danced and after just like always they ended up in the chipper. As ususl dave got the large meal deal with nuggets too, peter slaged him for being a "FAT BASTARD", but he was not fat, in fact for his thirty years on this planet he was in pretty good shape, the army does that for you.
Early morning marches. He could not belive when he got back to the barracks that once again he had locked his keys into his quaters. Still the drain pipe was always the back up plan. Last night though he fell, and never woke up!
rip dave

Sorry,am a bit lost,whats the thread of this thread??

busted flush

ElCrapula wrote: »

Sorry,am a bit lost,whats the thread of this thread??

what do you want it to be bro?

ElCrapula

busted flush wrote: »

what do you want it to be bro?

Youre so deep

Insect Overlord

ElCrapula wrote: »

Youre so deep

_______^
You left out an apostrophe there...

busted flush

ElCrapula wrote: »

Youre so deep

meow

Matt Holck

so was he climbing the pipe to get to an open window?

busted flush

Matt Holck wrote: »

so was he climbing the pipe to get to an open window?

Matt, does this matter? Surely if it did id mention it, I'm aware your not a fan of my writing and fair enough, however its finished and whether he was climbing up to a open window or a flat roof with access to a fire escape i felt not to mention it! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

sitout

busted flush wrote: »

Matt, does this matter? Surely if it did id mention it, I'm aware your not a fan of my writing and fair enough, however its finished and whether he was climbing up to a open window or a flat roof with access to a fire escape i felt not to mention it! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

keep your heart in your chest busted, its very messy on your sleeve.

magicass

busted flush wrote: »

He was in great spirits last night. He finished work early and met peter in the pub for what was now almost a Christmas tradition. Oh my god ,the laugh they had , Dave was always a ladies man and last night was no exception. They drank and danced and after just like always they ended up in the chipper. As usual Dave got the large meal deal with nuggets too, peter silaged him for being a "FAT BASTARD", but he was not fat, in fact for his thirty years on this planet he was in pretty good shape, the army does that for you.
Early morning marches. He could not believe when he got back to the barracks that once again he had locked his keys into his quarters. Still the drain pipe was always the back up plan. Last night though he fell, and never woke up!
rip Dave

Good work, simple and effective narrative.

Matt Holck

busted flush wrote: »

Matt, does this matter? Surely if it did id mention it, I'm aware your not a fan of my writing and fair enough, however its finished and whether he was climbing up to a open window or a flat roof with access to a fire escape i felt not to mention it! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

clear detail is importatant
yellow green blue

don't tell me what I like

busted flush

Fatt Hock wrote: »

don't tell me what I like

Ive heard you like snowdrops and roses and whiskers and kittens.

Matt Holck

whiskers keep cats from trying to squeeze through holes that they can't

ElCrapula

So Matt's not a fan of your writing?Ill have to add my name to that list too.
When I read it first I didnt even understand it.I asked what the thread was about,thinking maybe your post was meant to be something(VERY)surreal or something private going on between a few different posters.All I got was some childish answer which I now see you are in the habit of giving people.
Anyway,I suppose youve put your piece up here looking for some feedback,so.............
First of all it doesnt make sense.I cant make out who is Dave or who is Peter or really what is going on up to the point he dies.This is the guys last night alive yet youve squeezed it into ten lines and written it devoid of any feeling.He had a laugh,danced a bit,got called a fat bastard,ate bag of chips and plummeted to his death.Its crashingly bad.
Why would someone have keys for an army barracks???Do you think thats how is works???The lads dont walk around with sets of keys.What Im trying to say is that the circumstances around his death are unbelievable.He wouldnt be going up a drain pipe in the first place.
"Oh my god,the laugh they had..." The narrator sounds like a fifteen year old giddy girl.
"Last night he fell and never woke up".And never woke up?.You wouldnt say that someone got hit by a train and never woke up.Im saying that your choice of vocab here,in fact throughout the piece is bad.Im sure youve been told about your spelling and grammer.
I'd sprint back to the drawing board if I were you.

Matt Holck

the writing contains good detail
detail leads to questions

davyjose

ElCrapula wrote: »

So Matt's not a fan of your writing?Ill have to add my name to that list too.
When I read it first I didnt even understand it.I asked what the thread was about,thinking maybe your post was meant to be something(VERY)surreal or something private going on between a few different posters.All I got was some childish answer which I now see you are in the habit of giving people.
Anyway,I suppose youve put your piece up here looking for some feedback,so.............
First of all it doesnt make sense.I cant make out who is Dave or who is Peter or really what is going on up to the point he dies.This is the guys last night alive yet youve squeezed it into ten lines and written it devoid of any feeling.He had a laugh,danced a bit,got called a fat bastard,ate bag of chips and plummeted to his death.Its crashingly bad.
Why would someone have keys for an army barracks???Do you think thats how is works???The lads dont walk around with sets of keys.What Im trying to say is that the circumstances around his death are unbelievable.He wouldnt be going up a drain pipe in the first place.
"Oh my god,the laugh they had..." The narrator sounds like a fifteen year old giddy girl.
"Last night he fell and never woke up".And never woke up?.You wouldnt say that someone got hit by a train and never woke up.Im saying that your choice of vocab here,in fact throughout the piece is bad.Im sure youve been told about your spelling and grammer.
I'd sprint back to the drawing board if I were you.

ElCrapula wrote: »

Sorry,am a bit lost,whats the thread of this thread??

For someone who seems to come on here only to rip apart others' work, you're own spelling and punctuation is sh!te, not to mention your sentence structure (15 year old giddy girl?). Why should people value your opinion if you can't write yourself?

And FWIW you offer nothing constructive in your criticism.

ElCrapula

davyjose wrote: »

For someone who seems to come on here only to rip apart others' work, you're own spelling and punctuation is sh!te, not to mention your sentence structure (15 year old giddy girl?). Why should people value your opinion if you can't write yourself?

And FWIW you offer nothing constructive in your criticism.

I dont offer up my writing for critisism.People post what they write on here for feedback.
I dont.
Im making a comment on the work,which should not be held up to the same level of scrutiny.I just type out my posts and press send,presumably the writing pieces that are posted have been worked on for a little more than two minutes.I dont spend time reworking.
If you care to look through other threads you'll see I make positive comments when the work is deserving.I might have more negatives things to say.Thats because most of the stuff thats posted here is rubbish.If you believe any different,you havent a clue what good prose is.
Trust me,anyone who very writes well is not posting it on boards.ie to get their feedback..

ElCrapula

davyjose wrote: »

For someone who seems to come on here only to rip apart others' work, you're own spelling and punctuation is sh!te, not to mention your sentence structure (15 year old giddy girl?). Why should people value your opinion if you can't write yourself?

And FWIW you offer nothing constructive in your criticism.

Just to add,about your last remark.I would offer something constructive if the piece had anything positive to build on.It doesnt.
I have no idea what the poster had in mind when writing it so how could I possibly know what to suggest apart from going on what I see in front of me.
Again,I have offered positives in other posts when the piece in question had good foundation.

ElCrapula

Matt Holck wrote: »

the writing contains good detail
detail leads to questions

tell me where the "good detail" is

busted flush

ElCrapula wrote: »

So Matt's not a fan of your writing?Ill have to add my name to that list too.
When I read it first I didnt even understand it.I asked what the thread was about,thinking maybe your post was meant to be something(VERY)surreal or something private going on between a few different posters.All I got was some childish answer which I now see you are in the habit of giving people.
Anyway,I suppose youve put your piece up here looking for some feedback,so.............
First of all it doesnt make sense.I cant make out who is Dave or who is Peter or really what is going on up to the point he dies.This is the guys last night alive yet youve squeezed it into ten lines and written it devoid of any feeling.He had a laugh,danced a bit,got called a fat bastard,ate bag of chips and plummeted to his death.Its crashingly bad.
Why would someone have keys for an army barracks???Do you think thats how is works???The lads dont walk around with sets of keys.What Im trying to say is that the circumstances around his death are unbelievable.He wouldnt be going up a drain pipe in the first place.
"Oh my god,the laugh they had..." The narrator sounds like a fifteen year old giddy girl.
"Last night he fell and never woke up".And never woke up?.You wouldnt say that someone got hit by a train and never woke up.Im saying that your choice of vocab here,in fact throughout the piece is bad.Im sure youve been told about your spelling and grammer.
I'd sprint back to the drawing board if I were you.

This piece was written about a friend of mine who died just before Christmas, he was in the army in cork and was staying in Collins barracks, he went out for a few pints like he had often done in the past and when he came back, he obviously found that his keys were missing so he tried to climb up a drain pipe to gain access. He fell and was found the following morning in the court yard. His name was dave ambrosse.rip.

ElCrapula

Sorry to hear about your friend but the writing is still bad.If thats all the soul and beauty you can put into a piece about a dead friend,its a poor show.He's probably worth more than ten lines too.

busted flush

busted flush wrote: »

This piece was written about a friend of mine who died just before Christmas, he was in the army in cork and was staying in Collins barracks, he went out for a few pints like he had often done in the past and when he came back, he obviously found that his keys were missing so he tried to climb up a drain pipe to gain access. He fell and was found the following morning in the court yard. His name was Dave ambrosse.rip.

Now the above was one way of telling the story and the op(original post), was another. I felt the first made more sense to me, and as i write, purely for selfish reasons, i will defend it. So elcrapula i hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me, for disgusting your eyes with such obvious insincere,childish meanderings.
regards busted :cool:

busted flush

ElCrapula wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your friend but the writing is still bad.If thats all the soul and beauty you can put into a piece about a dead friend,its a poor show.He's probably worth more than ten lines too.

Is that how you determine friendship, the length of piece of writing. If so then i will have to go back to the drawing board. Every one can surely decide how long or short their pieces should be .

ElCrapula

busted flush wrote: »

Is that how you determine friendship, the length of piece of writing. If so then i will have to go back to the drawing board. Every one can surely decide how long or short their pieces should be .

If youre going to write about a friend or a friendship,especially a dead friendship,Yes,I think you owe more than the back of a beer bottle.
I think you say the guy was thirty when he died.
Come on man,dig down.This fella was your mate,your buddy.He was on this earth for thirty years,lived a life,shared his love,had an effect on you and others.You probably laughed and cried with this guy,had some special moments.
I think all that should be worth more than ten lines and I think if you want to write something about him that it should celebrate his life and not focus on the gruesome manner of his death.

Insect Overlord

Everyone has the right to grieve how they see fit, and every artist should have the right to create as they see fit.
For someone who suggests that

ElCrapula wrote:

anyone who very writes well is not posting it on boards.ie to get their feedback..

, you have some nerve to expect all writers to meet your standards.
There's people posting in here with more writing talent than you'll ever have.

ElCrapula

An Fhile wrote: »

Everyone has the right to grieve how they see fit, and every artist should have the right to create as they see fit.
For someone who suggests that , you have some nerve to expect all writers to meet your standards.
There's people posting in here with more writing talent than you'll ever have.

Do you fancy me or something?

Insect Overlord

ElCrapula wrote: »

Do you fancy me or something?

Time-wasters and trolls go on the ignore list. Goodbye.

ElCrapula

An Fhile wrote: »

Time-wasters go on the ignore list. Goodbye.

definitely fancies me

busted flush

ElCrapula wrote: »

Do you fancy me or something?

i think you now know that you are out of order here. let it be bro. there is no need to argue

Sarky

Clearly "Talk less sh*t" is not high on the list of resolutions for 2009. Thread closed until further notice.