The single life in Dublin

bogzilla

hello.

i'm male, late twenties and lonely. i've lived in dublin for a good few years and often had ladies come and go. been happy during that time also.

it seems now that my happiness has waned. i've been single a while now and while it hasn't bothered me in the past, it is starting to get to me. for the first time i am single and lonely as opposed to single and happy go lucky.

i've been told that i'm not a bad looking fella but that usually makes me feel ****e inside because i then feel under self-imposed pressure to meet that special person i.e. it should be "easy" for me or some ****e like that.

i have a good job, social life, friends, club committments etc but i don't seem to have the fulfillment that i had a few years ago. it's like someone has turned down the happiness level in my life from a remote control.

my question is do many people out there feel the same? i suppose this is an effort to find out if other people are in the same boat and therefore achieve some solace from that.

anyway ... just decided to write about it instead of letting it melt my head for another few weeks.

happy christmas!



bog

cantdecide

I've always been resigned to the single life (maybe not happily) but I've been generally happy.

I'm 27 now and I must say that there's a new voice in my head for a while saying, come one- get on with it. You're going to end up alone. Kind of a sensation of a growing hole in my heart.

In other words, yes. Staying single is becoming a more frightening prospect.

CianRyan

Now i'm only 18 so it is different for me, but for the past two years i've been single, few kissed here and there, but nothing like the relationship that i know i want.
On the same boat, in a sense that im a bit of a looker(not vein i just get told>.<) and i have to wonder, "why the hell am i alone when all my mates seem to have some one?!"

I tell myself its ok to be alone, but i want to be with some one, trouble is, not that there's no one that wants to be with me, there's just no one i want to be with, and i am NOt one to settle.

Idk where i'm going with this, not really advice, but i just like to know people are the same way i am.

Hope its comferting for you at least.

andy_g

im in the same boat as ya all there guys im 23 last relationship i was in was almost 2 years ago with a bad break up from a longterm relationship

yaboya1

Sounds just like my life. Glad to hear I'm not the only one.

samhail

im at the other end of the scale. im 27m too. good job, good friends.
that hasnt hit me yet atall - im happy to say. compared to one of my mates who goes from a bad relation ship to a bad relationship just cos he is getting old and... once he actually asked me
"would i not prefer to be with someone and be miserable, rather than not be with someone and happy" - i looked at him and seriously thought he was kidding - he wasnt.

i know its not what you want to hear, but if you are actually looking for love, i dont think you will find it. let it come to you.

Curlypinkie

I don't understand why everyone keep saying "if you're looking for love it won't find you". Give me one person on earth that is not looking for love. ONE!!!
We are all looking for love in one way or the other, even if we're out enjoying the single life, would we reject love if it came to us? Even if we're in a happy relationship, aren't we looking for the other half to love us?
Giving a single person, ready to find something longer lasting the advice, don't look for love, is like telling a hungry person to stop thinking about food.

Love is food for the soul and OP, try focusing on the love that you have from your friends at the moment. I know it feels like a void, there really isn't much to do. People are made to live in couples. Or even larger congregations (family or group of friends) we are not solitary creatures. This is why you're feeling this, it's simply part genetics, part social influence. It is only natural to feel this sort of emptiness. But don't worry, I believe there is someone (or some few!) out there for every one of us. Look around you. There are so many people, a lot of them still single.

You're doing well, you have your hobbies, just be patient and don't force anything, just be yourself ok? I'm not going to preach the bullsh*t of, just don't think of it and it will come to you because it's simply not true for everyone.
Think of it, aknowledge it (which you have, and its good) but don't let it get you down. Remember you're a full person on your own. You just want to share yourself with someone that appretiates you. Completely normal.

Good luck and Merry Christmas

samhail

i, in no way, am any expert in love, but in my opinion if you are seeking something and you cant find it then you will settle for the next best thing, an example would be my mate who was going out with a girl just so he doesnt feel lonely. he might think its love but he is unhappy alot of the time.
that might be love - but if im going to spend the next 40 years with someone i would prefer to be with someone i get on with.

Im not out every night approaching women to try to find the one.
might be a flaw of mine which i would need to post a whole PI thread about

either way i wish the OP best.

deathstarkiller

I was going to start my own thread but there are already so many 'lonely, can't get a date, don't want to end up alone' threads I figured I'd throw it in here. I guess being the 'silly' season it just amplifies these feelings.

I'm a 35 year old guy and have had nothing but a few kisses for the last 4 and a half years. Next time I ehh 'you know what' it's gonna be like Virginity the sequel. I was in a not so great relationship for a few years and I ended it when I was 31. The funny thing is one of the main reasons I ended it was that I felt I hadn't got my 'play the field' days out of my system. I actually never had any 'play the field' experiences before so what made me think I would start I'll never know. Not that I regret ending that relationship as it just wasn't working.
Anywhoo, I don't think I'm horrendous looking, have a job, car, lots of friends and I do some acting in amatuer dramas and musicals. I'm just hopeless with women. Everytime I date a woman we just become friends. I reckon it's cause when I hang out with them I'm just myself, meaning I act the exact same with them as I would if I was out hanging around with one of my mates. I overthink everything, like should I kiss her, should I text her, should I ring her, etc and what always happens is I wreck my head so much that I always end up getting thick over it and just saying 'Nah, don't bother'.
I've read all that pick up artist stuff but I'd just feel stupid trying all that stuff and what's the point in me starting a relationship with someone if it's based on me not being me. Dammit! I've tried the online thing and went on dates, all either ended straight away or we became mates. Double Dammit! Tried Speed Dating 3 times and it wasn't for me. I dated one girl from speed dating and we went on our third 'date' last week and already I know we are now just friends. My own fault too as after 3 dates I still haven't kissed her cause i thought about it too much. Triple dammit! I also have never felt that 'click' that people talk about, I've never been in 'love'. I don't think I'm a cold person, I'm a happy mostly care free guy, it just hasn't happened.
Also another thing that wrecks my head is most of my mates come to me for advice on women and they always say I give good advice but I never seem to be able to give myself any.

What do I need to do?

So to sum up.
No sex for over 4 years so that's gonna be interesting.
Not good at dating.
Always become friends.
Nover felt the 'click' or been in love.

I think I need a 'Hitch' type character or maybe a dating guru version of Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope!

LegacyUser

OP you're not doing too badly, was in the same boat myself up until 4 years ago, that is in short term relationships, normally ended by me as didn't find any of them fufilling. Finally seemed to meet the "one" then when I wasn't looking at all. Unfortunately it all came crashing down recently, wedding cancelled, girl of my dreams moved out etc etc etc. So just turned 38 and find what I thought was my lifetime partner gone.

Dreading revisiting the single scene, never thought I'd be going back there.

Going to make a stab at it in the new year though, no point sitting around thinking of what might have been and feeling sorry for myself. If I think about it, I wasn't unhappy when I was single, didn't love it but didn't mind. Learned a lot anyway over the last few years and realised that maybe I had compromised myself a bit too much, a lot of the dreams I have for the future I'm now finding weren't my dreams, instead they were ones I'd come to accept as the way forward. A certain amount of compromise is necessary to make any relationship work I know and accept, but I think in hindsight most if not all of the compromises were one way.
Wasn't enough apparently so now I'm going to try and get back into my own mindset, and plan for me and my dreams.

When people say love finds you they are correct to an extent, I had given up on finding it and out of the blue I met a girl when I wasn't looking. I'm not going to now go out and chase it, I'm going to do what I was doing last time around, follow my own dreams, my own hobbies and if it happens along the way well and good, if not I think I could be happy anyway. Doesn't hurt to put yourself out there at the same time though

Not much help I know, venting on a Monday morning after a weekend of frustrating and bewildering texts from the ex. Just remember you are not alone, plenty of us in the same boat

LegacyUser

Maybe it's the time of year but there sure seems a lot of single people who want to be in a couple this week!

From my own experience and the experiences of my friends -

Tell everyone you'd like to be in a relationship. Workmates, friends, family. Everyone has sisters, brothers, friends, acquaintances that you haven't met yet and you could hit it off with one of them. If people think you're happy being single, they'll leave you be. So put it out there.

Give people a chance. I think a lot of people today have a totally irrational view of what a relationship should be. You don't always 'click' straightaway.

I went out half arsed on a date with a fella who wasn't my type four years ago. He was nice and that was that. But he called me again, and again, and we went out again.... and I discovered after three months that I was really falling for him.
Over time I realised what a genuine, kind, funny man he was. I wouldn't have deduced that from one date. We're engaged now and he's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I find with my single friends they tend to decide pretty much straightaway whether a man is for them or not. Fair enough if he has halitosis and looks like Shrek with the personality of a potato but let's face it, not all the men they disregarded were like that.
They didn't give them a chance, even a second or third date.

There's also a misconception among single people that a lot of couples 'settle'.
And therein lies the problem. If you think that there is a perfect person for you out there and you'll wait til you find them so you don't 'settle' you're heading for a lonely life.

There are lots of people who are right for you, not just one. Everyone has faults and of course you have to 'settle' for the fact that your spouse isn't Brad Pitt, has no idea about domestic duties or may not have your level of interest in games/books/pubs.
That is not 'settling' - that is the reality of relationships. And that's what makes them interesting, who wants to be with a mirror image of themself?

I wish you all a happy Christmas and hope you all find what you're looking for!

cantdecide

DSK, this 'friends' thing is a constant runner on PI. If you meet someone via speed dating or whatever, you know you're both on the same page, so you don't need to pretend you're not looking for love- both of you are broadcasting the fact that you are.

You basically need to just let the eyes roll back in the head and be prepared to suffer a little humility, obviously without coming on too strong too early. It only takes a split second to display that you want to keep moving on and if they aren't receptive, you probably won't have to see them again if you've called it wrong and made a fool of yourself.


You also need stop sympathizing with your prospects- if they can't or won't give you what you are looking for (ie love, companionship), just go back to the drawing board. You don't have a duty to become friends with an endless stream of new women.

homerun_homer

hey OP, you're not the only one. I try to take happiness in my friends and the good things I've got. I still get very down, not so much because I'm single but a few things relating to it, past relationships gone to the wayside and missing that feeling.

bogzilla

many thanks for the replies. some interesting perspectives and it is good to understand that no one is really alone out there.

anyway, have a happy xmas ... and perhaps i might post again at some point in the future when i've turned a corner and perhaps bumped into someone unexpectedly.

adieu.

kittensoft1984

Im in the same boat myself.

Im 24 and have been single for over 4 years - a few kisses here and then but nothing serious.

It gets me down and I agree with everyone about Christmas making it worse.

Ah i suppose there is always the new year!

LegacyUser

im the opposite

im in a relationship where i feel so alone sad and broken.

i dont have the strenght to leave just yet.

towel401

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

Im in the same boat myself.

Im 24 and have been single for over 4 years - a few kisses here and then but nothing serious.

It gets me down and I agree with everyone about Christmas making it worse.

Ah i suppose there is always the new year!

bogzilla

Unregistered wrote: »

im the opposite

im in a relationship where i feel so alone sad and broken.

i dont have the strenght to leave just yet.

i suppose it's a lesson for me that not everyone who's attached is automatically happy. i have many friends who are attached and i often wonder how they stick it cos they don't seem to get along all that well as far as i can see.

i just hope that at some point i can find someone who can just wash away that aching inside me.

[Jackass]

Dude, move over and let me on this boat too.

Fu*king miserable at the moment!! Broke up with a girl after a few years together, mid 20's, and I genuinely think I am fuc*ed now..I don't really have the social circle that I meet loads of women, and any I do meet is when I'm drinking in a pub, so it's slim pickings!!

I think there is a distinct possability I could be at the begining of a very long and very lonely path. I hope to god I meet someone cause I feel so alone right now!

God I sound pathetic, but there are a lot of guys out there like this!

bogzilla

not pathetic ... just honest.

one thing i do know is that alcohol makes me worse so i'm trying to cut down. that's an olympic challenge in dublin at xmas as we all know.

if you try to stay off booze then ppl ask you "what's up with you?" but it's actually a very good thing to do for a while and shouldn't be considered a problem but a self-improving exercise [no matter how brief!].

Webmonkey

I'm in the same boat. Gets me down. Only really had one girlfriend and that was more a friendship. That was when I was 16, now I'm 22. (6 years!) Even my grandfather is saying it about time I found someone, no luck though. Blame it a bit on college and the on sociable course I'm doing.

Johnny James

Good to know everybody is down... Not so good that they are though...
I am alone and unhappy now. Seems like I am single forever, nice looking and successful 30 years old lady, I give chance (to ref one of the not single people who posted sth earlier) and nothing. I was told last Saturday that with my other single friend we look unapproachable, which is complete rubbish... I don't stay home, try different things and all I still have are my memories of great love few years ago. I have some "short stories" sometimes, but i need a novel now! need romance, sth interesting to happen, need men to be men again... I am not very romantic in general, don't believe in bull**** and don't need any. Sth real and good - looks like not so different from everybody else.

Where are all the men in Dublin?
j.:(

Nyree

I hate the way the whole thing is a game. I want a partner but I don't want to play the game. I would much rather meet someone accidentally without the flirting and all the expectations, to sort of become friends first, get to know each other and then if it develops well and good. It's not that I wouldn't eventually sleep with someone but why all the pressure ? I know it sounds silly but I still worry that if I started dating someone that he would want me to sleep with him after a short time when I wasn't ready and if I declined, he would leave me. For me I would have to be in a serious long term relationship and I can't see that being acceptable to a lot of people, not the way most people are so liberal about sex nowadays.

lifelonglufc

hey OP

All I can say is welcome to my world too! Now im young myself, early 20's(very early actually :pac:) and out of a very very bad break up about 5 months ago, so single since then.

Dont get me wrong Ive had "fun" those few months but now im gettin itchy and feeling in a relationship type mood. All I want is to meet a nice girl, who I can spend time with, share things with and have a good time.

But I cant helping thinking either that no-one wants to be with me...it really gets me down. I even start doubting myself in my head thinking..."sure who would want to be with me anyway"

Close female friends even tell me im good looking, genuine, and a lovely young fella, who any girl would be lucky to have and that I deserve a nice girl to be with! But still nothing...

At this stage I've come to better terms with it and try to just forget about, go with the flow, and wait for that person to come along to me. I know it will happen, but Im not gonna put myself under any illusion that I should force it.

Someone will come along for you too...and im sure thats one of the most over emphasized things here on PI, but methinks its true anyway!

So dont get too bummed about it, focus on other things in life and let it happen!

My two cents...

lll

foams

Be Positive, the power of positive thinking is great, dont forget how
great you are, dont undervalue yourself, your class and anyone would
be lucky to be associated with you, go team you!

CALI

Nyree wrote: »

I hate the way the whole thing is a game. I want a partner but I don't want to play the game. I would much rather meet someone accidentally without the flirting and all the expectations, to sort of become friends first, get to know each other and then if it develops well and good. It's not that I wouldn't eventually sleep with someone but why all the pressure ? I know it sounds silly but I still worry that if I started dating someone that he would want me to sleep with him after a short time when I wasn't ready and if I declined, he would leave me. For me I would have to be in a serious long term relationship and I can't see that being acceptable to a lot of people, not the way most people are so liberal about sex nowadays.

I empathise with a lot of your posts Nyree as I feel in the same boat. I guess we just have to think positively!

acorntoast

I know some great people in my life who are unhappily single at the moment, but not really being pro-active about meeting people.

I don't agree at all with the idea that finding someone involves turning off all desire to meet someone. I really think it takes action - like taking up activities you will genuinely enjoy which will bring you into contact with new people, and definitely investing some extra time and effort in your physical appearance, as no doubt about it a huge part of initial attraction is based on looks alone.

I would say - do anything you like - join a choir, join a scuba diving group, volunteer for a charity, do something that gets you out of the house with different, new groups of people a few nights a week. Even if you meet people who are not the gender you're attracted to - they know people too - and have friends, brothers and sisters etc. that they will introduce you to. I've met people in this way in the past, and I know a lot of couples who've met through shared interests like sailing, triathalons etc.

Schmowen

hahaha . Jesus Christ , we're a sad bunch of f**kers .

At the start of this year I started going out with a girl I've been in love with for about 10 years . It was the third time we'd gone out together . Long story . Anyway , it didn't work out . Why ? well neither of us really know .

Thing is , I still love her , and I think she loves me , but I'm not sure . Recently we got together for one night while drunk , the usual , and while sex was on the cards , it didn't happen . It also didn't matter . Now I don't know what I shall do about it . I guess like all things in life it'll sort itself out eventually one way or the other .

banshee_bones

OP your not alone. Im 22 yrs old and i feel the same. Mostly because i have just escaped from a very very long really messed up-cant even call it a relationship- lets say situation.
Already kinda feel like im not going to meet anyone in Galway, its very difficult at the best of times let alone when your trying to find the self esteem to put ones self back out there.
All i can say is that you should try and keep yourself as busy as possible and take up that hobby youv always wanted to do or join a club or organisation so you get to meet loads of different people and that you dont have to spend as much time dwelling on it.

LegacyUser

I've been in the situation the people here are talking about when I was younger. I've had the dubious distinction of actually having sex before I had a proper kiss. I was very shy around women and at age 21 met a girl over the internet just to lose my virginity. I thought it would help my confidence but sexual experience wasn't the problem. Things only got better around age 25 when I realized that I was leaving self pity control me.

I was terrified about how "behind" everyone else I was when it came to women. I couldn't even talk to friends about girls because I was so afraid that they would have a go at me for never having a girlfriend. My biggest problem was that I was actually doing nothing to correct this situation. I'd go out to pubs and clubs and make f**k all effort to chat to girls. Looks wise I'm about average as I'm sure most people here are.

Put bluntly, anyone here who can't find a girl, you're not doing enough. You're too afraid of being embarrassed. What if she says no to me, will people laugh at me. I used to have this idea that everyone would be looking at me if I walked over to talk to a girl.

A great helper is to know someone who is good with women and ape them to an extent. I've known a few guys who'd go up to a women in front of say 10 friends, get rejected, come back and just laugh it off as no big deal. And you know what, that's how everyone else viewed it. Something is only embarrassing to you if you think it is.

One line you need to memorize is, "You're not doing enough" "You're not doing enough", "You're not doing enough"
If you're normal looking and can't see, to get a girl, you're not doing enough.

The pick up stuff is useful in terms of having a general idea. Ultimately though, its trial and error. Make it a goal to chat to say ten women on a night out. Most of the first ones will probably be awful. Gradually though, you will start to improve. However if you let your self pity and pride prevent you from doing this, you'll never learn.

Curlypinkie

^^^^
This only applies to a few.
The PI's I've read so far are by people who more or less go out of their way, fill their week with activities, go online dating, asking friends, asking workmates, asking people in clubs for numbers, basically keeping all their options open and still nothing!
That's when we get so down and post in PI.
Right single friends?

kmick

Guys you are looking at this back to front. From reading the posts you are saying "I will never find someone" - you need to turn this around to "its only a matter of time before I find sombody"

Try one thing for me
Go here and read it carefully (its mumbo jumbo'ish so be prepared)
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Cosmic_Ordering_Tips_for_Success.html

Then follow the advice
Ask for what you want.
More importantly align yourself to what you want - be open to it.

Curlypinkie

kmick wrote: »

Guys you are looking at this back to front. From reading the posts you are saying "I will never find someone" - you need to turn this around to "its only a matter of time before I find sombody"

Try one thing for me
Go here and read it carefully (its mumbo jumbo'ish so be prepared)
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Cosmic_Ordering_Tips_for_Success.html

Then follow the advice
Ask for what you want.
More importantly align yourself to what you want - be open to it.

The OP certainly isn't. From what I read he wants to know wether he's alone in feeling this or are there anybody out there feeling the same, and is it OK to feel a bit empty if you're ready for a relationship and don't have one at the moment.

I think the root to this problem is the idealisations in today's society of the "Single and sowing your oats"-life that a lot of people want to try. Heck, I'm guilty of it as we speak but it's not all what it's made out to be.

In a way it's good becuase we're gaining experinece, getting to know ourselves, getting out there, meeting interesting people...
But at the same time the boat could have passed.
Not in the way that you will meet somebody, but that you mightn't meet somebody while you're still young, healthy and, well, virile.

I know I will meet someone and I know there is someone out there in the same position that I am at the moment just waiting for the like of me to cross his path. I'm liking my single life but at the same time wanting to feel love and feeling loved again in a way you can only feel in a s*xual relationship with the s*x your attracted to.

This isn't a case of "visualise and it will come to you". I's just pot luck. Some people get it early in life, some people a little bit later on. Very few people will never have it. Very few. So chin up!

banshee_bones

kmick wrote: »

Guys you are looking at this back to front. From reading the posts you are saying "I will never find someone" - you need to turn this around to "its only a matter of time before I find sombody"

Try one thing for me
Go here and read it carefully (its mumbo jumbo'ish so be prepared)
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Cosmic_Ordering_Tips_for_Success.html

Then follow the advice
Ask for what you want.
More importantly align yourself to what you want - be open to it.

thats another version of the secret..

positive thinking is all well and good but its not much comfort when your alone in bed at night!

bogzilla

thanks for all the messages. seem to have hit on a real topic here alright. some things that i agree with are:

- "the game" aspect of going out meeting ppl. i often find that the only lads who get the girls or opportunities for chatting are the alpha males out there. there is little room anymore for the quieter guys, who certainly have lots of offer also. remember, you have to watch the quiet ones!

- positive thinking is certainly the right way to go. just stay positive and give off the good vibes and things will slowly get better.

things are cyclic and at the moment ... i guess mentally i'm in a trough.

RossFixxxed

Rubbish. Absolute, comlete and utter tripe. Cop on. You have to get out and get what you want. Carpe Jugulum.

OP of course you feel down about this, it does happen to everyone after a while. But you do have to get out and about, have confidence and find happiness in yourself first. all this aligning your frequency stuff can **** right off. I'm sorry to be aggressive here but the best thing is to keep in the game, keep out there meeting people and discovering yourself.

Say you take an art class, you find you're good, you really enjoy it and come across as a great guy in the class... who are the girls going to notice. The happy, confident guy who does what he loves? Or the guy who aligns his frequency to the cosmos.


"I want to be a great guitar player" Now what'll get me good: The cosmos or HOURS of practice... Really?

(Sorry for the anger, but people need to live their life, not buy into this money making ****e, that has them sitting hoping for things and never grabbing them by the proverbials)

Curlypinkie

bogzilla wrote: »

you have to watch the quiet ones!

Bogzilla, there's quiet and there's quiet. If you're too quiet then, in all fairness, very few people will notice you. Anyway, don't let it bother you too much and just be yourself. But try to grab life by the, whatever previous poster said

bogzilla

Curlypinkie wrote: »

Bogzilla, there's quiet and there's quiet. If you're too quiet then, in all fairness, very few people will notice you. Anyway, don't let it bother you too much and just be yourself. But try to grab life by the, whatever previous poster said

i'm not that quiet.

i have my moments!

Wibbs

Curlypinkie wrote: »

I think the root to this problem is the idealisations in today's society of the "Single and sowing your oats"-life that a lot of people want to try. Heck, I'm guilty of it as we speak but it's not all what it's made out to be.

In a way it's good becuase we're gaining experinece, getting to know ourselves, getting out there, meeting interesting people...
But at the same time the boat could have passed.
Not in the way that you will meet somebody, but that you mightn't meet somebody while you're still young, healthy and, well, virile.

I know I will meet someone and I know there is someone out there in the same position that I am at the moment just waiting for the like of me to cross his path. I'm liking my single life but at the same time wanting to feel love and feeling loved again in a way you can only feel in a s*xual relationship with the s*x your attracted to.

This isn't a case of "visualise and it will come to you". I's just pot luck. Some people get it early in life, some people a little bit later on. Very few people will never have it. Very few. So chin up!

Good post.

I disagree with the whole secret/positive vibrations lark. Major mumbo jumbo IMHO. OK if it helps you get to a more positive outlook, but I've found it rarely does, except among the highly bloody suggestible. It rarely sustains either, just lasts long enough until the next self help book with big text and easy answers comes along.

Now you can be making an effort and going and meeting people, joining clubs and all that lark, but, if you're not translating that into action and results, you may as well stay home from the point of view of hooking up. So I agree with sympathizer, you're not doing enough or not doing the right thing with the right people.

OK this is purely my take and I may get roasted for it but ...... If you're halfway presentable and have an OKish life(even if you're not) and not getting some romantic interaction in your life, there is something amiss IMHO. People are hooking up everyday and I'm not just talking about sex either. People are getting into and out of romantic attachments every day. The odds are with you. If you're a man there are literally 100's of 1000's of women out there. Ditto if you're a woman. PI and the regular topics on the subject on this site attest to that.

The first thing I would say is largely ignore the usual advice of "just be yourself". It's meant well and there's something to it, in that you should never compromise yourself, but if "being yourself" was good advice you wouldn't need to hear it. In any case what the hell does it even mean? It's too easy and trite an answer for an often complex question. You are being yourself and if that's not working then somethings amiss so work on yourself first and foremost, because as I say something doesn't add up and that something lies with you and is in your power to change. You know what it is in most cases. You may ignore it or deny it to yourself, but there's something that stops you being the person you need to be. It's rarely the most obvious thing you think either. I guarantee there are people who are as poor/fat/short/skinny/bald/boring/whatever as you who are hooked up as we speak, so why not you? Yes some luck is involved, but you make your own luck for the most part.

I do think there are some gender diffs though. Men are traditionally the pursuers and although that varies from individual to individual the social confidence to be a pursuer is still the big attractant in the general gist of things. Similarly women are more the pursued and their looks do play more of a part. Socially aware and confident men rarely stay single for long, same goes for well presented and confident women. Harsh but true. The less socially aware and confident men decrease their odds the further they are away from that. Since the odds increase the more general one goes, it's best to follow the path of least resistance.

OK like others advise, get out more, but when you're out there take it beyond just turning up. Learn more about men/women. Hang out with more men/women so you get a feel for who they are as people and what they want from men in their lives. If you feel that you're a bit weedy or a fat git, well then join a gym, eat better, move more, play a sport, whatever it takes. If you look in the mirror and reckon you look a bit daft well then change your hair, clothes whatever to make you feel better in your own skin. Yes beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but if you look the best you can, then you'll have a lot more beholders. If you feel your life is a bit empty well then start filling it. If you have an interesting life men/women will be more attracted to you and will want to be part of that life and you'll meet more men/women to boot.

Even still you may not meet your "soulmate" for a time, but you will meet people and you will have relationships and with each one you'll be closer to meeting the right person. Look, really look at yourself and see where you can improve for yourself. Getting a good healthy relationship with you first and foremost will massively increase your chances of meeting others, dating others and finding and maintaining a good healthy relationship with someone.

vorbis

I#d echo what Wibbs said. People who look the same as you are scoring every weekend. You're obviously doing something wrong. Thats not meant to sound mean but to show that its some big conspiracy against you. You need to analyse yourself honestly and figure out what you're doing wrong. Because there is something.

bogzilla

Wibbs wrote: »

Good post.

I disagree with the whole secret/positive vibrations lark. Major mumbo jumbo IMHO. OK if it helps you get to a more positive outlook, but I've found it rarely does, except among the highly bloody suggestible. It rarely sustains either, just lasts long enough until the next self help book with big text and easy answers comes along.

Now you can be making an effort and going and meeting people, joining clubs and all that lark, but, if you're not translating that into action and results, you may as well stay home from the point of view of hooking up. So I agree with sympathizer, you're not doing enough or not doing the right thing with the right people.

OK this is purely my take and I may get roasted for it but ...... If you're halfway presentable and have an OKish life(even if you're not) and not getting some romantic interaction in your life, there is something amiss IMHO. People are hooking up everyday and I'm not just talking about sex either. People are getting into and out of romantic attachments every day. The odds are with you. If you're a man there are literally 100's of 1000's of women out there. Ditto if you're a woman. PI and the regular topics on the subject on this site attest to that.

The first thing I would say is largely ignore the usual advice of "just be yourself". It's meant well and there's something to it, in that you should never compromise yourself, but if "being yourself" was good advice you wouldn't need to hear it. In any case what the hell does it even mean? It's too easy and trite an answer for an often complex question. You are being yourself and if that's not working then somethings amiss so work on yourself first and foremost, because as I say something doesn't add up and that something lies with you and is in your power to change. You know what it is in most cases. You may ignore it or deny it to yourself, but there's something that stops you being the person you need to be. It's rarely the most obvious thing you think either. I guarantee there are people who are as poor/fat/short/skinny/bald/boring/whatever as you who are hooked up as we speak, so why not you? Yes some luck is involved, but you make your own luck for the most part.

I do think there are some gender diffs though. Men are traditionally the pursuers and although that varies from individual to individual the social confidence to be a pursuer is still the big attractant in the general gist of things. Similarly women are more the pursued and their looks do play more of a part. Socially aware and confident men rarely stay single for long, same goes for well presented and confident women. Harsh but true. The less socially aware and confident men decrease their odds the further they are away from that. Since the odds increase the more general one goes, it's best to follow the path of least resistance.

OK like others advise, get out more, but when you're out there take it beyond just turning up. Learn more about men/women. Hang out with more men/women so you get a feel for who they are as people and what they want from men in their lives. If you feel that you're a bit weedy or a fat git, well then join a gym, eat better, move more, play a sport, whatever it takes. If you look in the mirror and reckon you look a bit daft well then change your hair, clothes whatever to make you feel better in your own skin. Yes beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but if you look the best you can, then you'll have a lot more beholders. If you feel your life is a bit empty well then start filling it. If you have an interesting life men/women will be more attracted to you and will want to be part of that life and you'll meet more men/women to boot.

Even still you may not meet your "soulmate" for a time, but you will meet people and you will have relationships and with each one you'll be closer to meeting the right person. Look, really look at yourself and see where you can improve for yourself. Getting a good healthy relationship with you first and foremost will massively increase your chances of meeting others, dating others and finding and maintaining a good healthy relationship with someone.

for me ... this is a great post and i will try to take it on board. try to push my performance when i go out ... not just "turn up" as you put it.

thanks!

towel401

ya that wibbs guy really knows his stuff

SweetChilli

Wow OP I could have written this post myself.. I'm kinda surprised by the number of replies, it seems there's a lot of us out there... Comforting but, where are you all....??? I'm a little older than you and probably would have laughed if you had told me years ago that at my age I'd still be single... I think xmas heightens the feeling of being alone, i've found it harder to get into the xmas spirit this year and I know this is because I feel lonely... I've tried to shake myself out of feeling like this, I am trying to be positive....

Wibbs, great post, it got me thinking a bit and I think that by trying to act like I'm not overly keen I perhaps come across as not been keen at all....... I think I need to be a little more open about my feelings.... Roll on 2009...

Happy Christmas to all lonely souls......

omahaid

Hi all, I'm posting because im in a full time relationship with 11 years. We got together because she got pregnant but the longer we're together the happier we are. My point here is that I am a really flawed person; I could start a thread on my flaws, mainly drinking :-), but we've done everything together, had a kid, bought a house, tried to get married. My point to the OP is very simple, don't discard any woman, none of them are discardable, all of them are potential life partners. And trust me, all single women at work count too, none of them are islands :-). It's not great advice, but it is from the heart, go chance your arm (always!!), I did and it worked out!!

Lone Stone

aye same boat as the op 26 tried a few dating sites met a few girls never really clicked with any.
single now another xmas given me the blues and turning into a scrouge
i do see myself one day being the old man in the run down house that kids taunt and tease and do nick nacks on my soon to be run down front door :mad:

LegacyUser

Move over in the boat.

18, never done anything with a girl (not even hold hands)

Went to an all boys school and have just started college and it all feels too much for me. Ive tried all the usual advice of just being yourself but I havnt a shred of experience with the opposite sex.

Also me and my friends have went our seperate ways so I really dont have anyone to help clue me in. If you continue to do what you always did, youll aways get what you got so unless I do something things arnt going to change, but do what? Ivve tried joining new clubs going outmore etc and have had no sucess. What do I do now?

Wibbs

OK IMHO and this goes for men and women;

1. Unless you're about to peg it tomorrow, you've got time.

2. There are 1000's of potential men/women out there.

3. More people have found you more attractive than you think.

4. Rev up your life in general. The happier and more interesting you are the more you'll attract people to you.

5. Lose the shyness. Unless it's pathological it's an over indulgence of self centeredness. With practice you can switch it off.
5a. People don't care/forget about things that you think you've done that are embarrassing.

6. Meet more men/women. as in 2 it's a numbers game. Knew a guy who was a photographers assistant in London. Face like a blind cobblers thumb. He went out with a string of models. Why? That's who he met everyday.

7. Men/women want the same things. They may express those needs and wants differently to you. Don't assume how the opposite sex goes about this is the same as you. Meet more of them to figure out the differences.
7a Men, don't act like their "friend" if you want more and hope it will move things along. Rarely does.
7b Women, be open to giving signals as men can be slow. Don't assume "they should just know". Don't bone them if you want more and hope it will move things along. Rarely does.

8. If you're a teenager? Relax the kacks. You're meant to be a gobshíte about much of this stuff. It's one of the advantages of youth. We're all gobshítes, no matter what our ages, but you have an excuse. Use it and have a bit of fun.

9. You will screw up. Big deal. That's how we all learn.
9a what is making you squirm with embarrassment today will be forgotten down the line.

10. If it's not working with one person? Move on. While you have plenty of time, it makes no sense to waste it either and you're missing other chances when you do.

11. Yes, "be yourself", but look at yourself, really look and figure out the parts where you can improve on your good points and where you can let go the bad points. Think of it as dressing up your soul. Ladies, if you got a big bum, you're not gonna wear horizontal stripes now are you? Same thing with mens/womens personality. Men, learn from that.

12. We all come from a long line of people who hooked up and got jiggy with it, so you will too. He/she is out there as we speak. If you're a potential man/woman whore, they are out there as we speak.:D

conceited

Are you a needy guy?
Are you a confident guy?
Do you seek womens approval?
Do Women intimidate you with their "presence"?
Etc etc etc

You need to be happy confident and full of life.

LolaLuv

Wibbs wrote: »

Don't bone them if you want more and hope it will move things along. Rarely does.

Is that a fact? I was hoping people had moved past the "No sex on a first date" rule. Not that I'd do it to move things along, but sometimes a woman gets caught up in the moment!

conceited

I agree with you pillypen.
She will respect you alot more if you bone her!
Then you get the sex out the way and get to know the actual woman.
Or you could buy her dinner flowers and act like a bitch hoping she will like you and give you sex....
WOMEN ACT LIKE THEY "GIVE" SEX TO MEN!
BOLLOKS

Wibbs

Sorry I wasn't that clear. It's not the no sex on a first date rule as much as the female equivalent of the friendzone(bonezone maybe?:D). The guy in friendzone usually gives away the emotional part, but doesn't get the sex part. The woman in bonezone, gives away the sexual part, but doesn't get the emotional support part. Both are hoping for more. Usually won't get it either.