I just don't know how to deal with this control freak

LegacyUser

I'm wondering what people's opinions on the following are:

I'm 23 and returned home recently to live there for about 4 months. My brother is 27 and has always lived at home (despite buying himself a house and renting that out).
All my life he has pretty much made life at home hell for me.
He does lots of REALLY petty things- which on their own might not seem like much, but all together, it's a headwreck.
Stuff he does includes:
'Banning' me from using wifi in the house (even though I need it for freelance work and have often had to spent an hour travelling to send files etc). His 'reason' for this is that I would go over the download limit (bull****). By the way, my parents pay for it. I would have no problem chipping in if I could use it.

'Banning' me from using certain things on the family computer, such as msn messenger. We live in the countryside, so it's rubbish not being able to speak to friends over it.

Hacking my email a/c and more of my personal a/cs, on numerous ocassions. I had to set up another separate one, as I know whatever I do on the computer, he tracks it as he is the 'administrator'. I couldn't get onto gumtree earlier because he had 'parental control' on my account. FFS.

Recently, I got laid off work. My brother has a friend who works in the HR of the particular company. He got him to check up my work records. The friend apparently told my brother that I had left of my own accord (not true- I was fairly down about losing it, so close to Christmas). My brother then went on to spread the lies to my parents.
I was able to prove that I did get laid off, as I had a letter from work saying it.

He also has other weird rules, such as I'm not allowed enter a particular room (eg, sitting room), on a certain night, because it's 'his night'. I never have any say in this. He just pushes me around the place and has done pretty bad stuff before when I've spoken up. If I want to have 'my night' in a particular room, I'm not 'allowed'.

I know I'm responsible for my own happiness- and I'm getting the hell out there in January. It just sucks not to be able to look forward to going home ever, because he's always there.
It's difficult to be happy when someone is always putting you down and controlling.

He often says a series of awful things to me when my parents aren't around- that I'm a failure in everything I do in life...etc etc. I've felt suicidal a few times because of everything he's done through the years. (I don't feel like this any more though- as January isn't too far away+ I've worked really hard in uni getting high results etc)

If anyone thinks I can just stand up to him and stop him being controlling- I've tried everything. I've come to the conclusion he's just a pure evil control freak. I feel sorry for my parents in all of this- as there's nothing they seem to be able to do either.

I'm pretty sure with all his parental controls etc on the computer he'll be reading this too.

Has anyone any advice on what to do? Thanks.

MagicMarker

I hope he does read this, because the man is a gobshíte of the highest order.

All you can do is put up with it until you move out. Hang in there.

BroomBurner

Jesus, why haven't your parents kicked him out of the house?

I don't blame ya being annoyed, he sounds like a complete sociopath, and I'm glad you're moving out soon.

Not sure on what advice to give you on how to deal with him bar involving your parents, but for God's sake, he's 27 and you're 23. He sounds like he's still a ten year old.

Sam Vimes

adviceplease wrote: »

He just pushes me around the place and has done pretty bad stuff before when I've spoken up

what kind of bad stuff? is he physically violent?

i think the dynamic of the relationship needs to change here. he's been dictating to you as if he has some right to tell you what to do and he doesn't. but the reason he does it is that you let him do it. the next time you want to use the wifi, just use it. if he tells you to get off it, say no. no matter what kind of a tantrum he throws, just keep calmly saying no. and it might seems extreme but if he becomes violent towards you, call the gardai and have him arrested.

calling the gardai is obviously a last resort but other than actually being violent i don't see how he can have this power over you. it will take some time but just stop bending over and taking it from him (to put it bluntly) and he'll eventually learn that he can't push you around anymore

cantdecide

Sam Vimes wrote: »

...he'll eventually learn that he can't push you around anymore...

I wouldn't think so. There have been emperors and kings younger than 27 and if he can't stop being a little scrot by now, I'd say that's your lot.

A biiiiiiiig distance for a loooooooong time is the only cure. Try showing him up with a better life than his- that'll p*ss him off:D

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies.
My parents don't like confrontation, so they try and keep the peace alot, even if it means ignoring the situation. I suppose they won't kick him out because they love him etc etc (no idea how).

No he's not physically violent (he used to be a small bit when we were kids, but I'm sure lots of sibblings probably are too). In the last few years, if I spoke up to him, the bad things that he has done (will probably sound minor), are stuff like printing out my personal emails and showing them to my parents, or 'dropping' my hard drive etc or damaging anything that I wouldn't have had in my room (such as an valuable special edition box set of books that a friend had lent me- he crushed the box. I really didn't mean to leave that outside my room). He did once point a large kitchen knife at me a couple of years ago (I forget what the reason was). I remember being terrified though. Lots of snide remarks all the time.

I've been away a lot since all the above happened (avoiding living at home as much as financially possible). Since I returned a few months ago, it's not as bad. But still he's so controlling in many aspects of daily life.

About the wifi- I can't just use it. He has a 'restriction list'.. so he can add computers to the list. He's the only one in the house using the wifi. And he won't add me.

I've spoken to friends before about it- they also give similar advice to you Sam Vimes. Outside the house, I'm a strong person who doesn't take crap. I posted here, as I thought people might have had some similar experiences of living with a person like him.In relation to ' bending over taking it from him'-. It's far far more complicated. Anytime I've stood up to him before, he'll do something worse. I ignore him as much as possible usually- all this just blew over again when he started checking work records and lying about me.

It's great to be leaving soon- I just wish there was a way of sorting it once and for all, so that I could look forward to coming home.

Sam Vimes

Sam Vimes wrote: »

what kind of bad stuff? is he physically violent?

i think the dynamic of the relationship needs to change here. he's been dictating to you as if he has some right to tell you what to do and he doesn't. but the reason he does it is that you let him do it. the next time you want to use the wifi, just use it. if he tells you to get off it, say no. no matter what kind of a tantrum he throws, just keep calmly saying no. and it might seems extreme but if he becomes violent towards you, call the gardai and have him arrested.

calling the gardai is obviously a last resort but other than actually being violent i don't see how he can have this power over you. it will take some time but just stop bending over and taking it from him (to put it bluntly) and he'll eventually learn that he can't push you around anymore

Yeah I kind of have to second this. if he tells you not to use wifi just use it. If he says you "can't go into a certain room" (seriously wtf talk about spoilt brat behaviour, i'd expect that crap from a spoilt 3 year old) go in anyway if you feel like it and as above, if he becomes violent call the gardai.

Any chance you could report the HR guy for giving out personal information like that? I'm pretty sure that's just not on. Unless the friend was just making it up (might have been given he gave back false info...)

the_syco

bluewolf wrote: »

Any chance you could report the HR guy for giving out personal information like that? I'm pretty sure that's just not on. Unless the friend was just making it up (might have been given he gave back false info...)

2nd this. Ask the company about giving this sort of info out. Make the f**ker squirm. As for the sitting room thing: hide the remote under the couch.

Sam Vimes

adviceplease wrote: »

In the last few years, if I spoke up to him, the bad things that he has done (will probably sound minor), are stuff like printing out my personal emails and showing them to my parents, or 'dropping' my hard drive etc or damaging anything that I wouldn't have had in my room (such as an valuable special edition box set of books that a friend had lent me- he crushed the box. I really didn't mean to leave that outside my room).

can you lock your room? it wouldn't be that hard to stop him getting access to your stuff tbh

adviceplease wrote: »

He did once point a large kitchen knife at me a couple of years ago (I forget what the reason was). I remember being terrified though. Lots of snide remarks all the time.

now that's a bit insane to say the least. but as long as he doesn't do it anymore, standing up to him shouldn't actually be dangerous

adviceplease wrote: »

About the wifi- I can't just use it. He has a 'restriction list'.. so he can add computers to the list. He's the only one in the house using the wifi. And he won't add me.

what type of internet is it, eircom i assume? i can tell you how to add yourself in 5 minutes and you won't need to use his computer. do you have a laptop or a desktop?

adviceplease wrote: »

all this just blew over again when he started checking work records and lying about me.

some people are like that. i say let him. the people that matter will know he's lying

adviceplease wrote: »

It's great to be leaving soon- I just wish there was a way of sorting it once and for all, so that I could look forward to coming home.

how soon are you leaving? trying to get him to stop will be a big undertaking and if you're gone very soon it might not be worth doing anything

Sam Vimes

bluewolf wrote: »

Any chance you could report the HR guy for giving out personal information like that? I'm pretty sure that's just not on. Unless the friend was just making it up (might have been given he gave back false info...)

it's actually illegal and the person would almost certainly lose theri job over it. specifically it violates the data protection act

Sam Vimes

Sam Vimes wrote: »

it's actually illegal and the person would almost certainly lose theri job over it. specifically it violates the data protection act

That's an idea then.
If OP does not have proof of this, surely she can ring up someone else in HR and says she has reason to believe it happened from x?

Anytime I've stood up to him before, he'll do something worse. I ignore him as much as possible usually- all this just blew over again when he started checking work records and lying about me.

OP, you might do something about the HR part then as there's at least something you *can* do there.

I don't understand how he can be getting access to your personal emails. Does he have a keylogger or should you just change your pw frequently? Clear browser history after using computer, etc etc ? I mean if he's showing this to your parents surely they'd have the cop on not to read them anyway ?? Are you actually getting no support from them at all in this and they're just taking his side?
I mean if he's "banning" you from using stuff on the computer I'd be half tempted to start deleting half his personal files and let him see what it's like...
If he's "banning" you from a room just keep going in, don't confront or argue just go in...

All in all it certainly is best you're leaving soon...

Sephiroth_dude

sound to me he has nothing better to do than torment you.So heres you what you do,tell him to **** off and mind his own business and to grow up, maybe hes jealous of you or sumthing?sounds like a total gob ****e anyway.

Amazotheamazing

Is your brother ill or mentally unsound? Seems to be only plausible explanation for his behaviour. Get out and live well is the best revenge.

Fad

Is he paying entirely for the wifi?

Ask your parents to kind tell him to fúck off if he isnt.

Overheal

adviceplease wrote: »

I'm wondering what people's opinions on the following are:

I'm 23 and returned home recently to live there for about 4 months. My brother is 27 and has always lived at home (despite buying himself a house and renting that out).
All my life he has pretty much made life at home hell for me.
He does lots of REALLY petty things- which on their own might not seem like much, but all together, it's a headwreck.
Stuff he does includes:
'Banning' me from using wifi in the house (even though I need it for freelance work and have often had to spent an hour travelling to send files etc). His 'reason' for this is that I would go over the download limit (bull****). By the way, my parents pay for it. I would have no problem chipping in if I could use it.

'Banning' me from using certain things on the family computer, such as msn messenger. We live in the countryside, so it's rubbish not being able to speak to friends over it.

Hacking my email a/c and more of my personal a/cs, on numerous ocassions. I had to set up another separate one, as I know whatever I do on the computer, he tracks it as he is the 'administrator'. I couldn't get onto gumtree earlier because he had 'parental control' on my account. FFS.

OP, I can get you into the WiFi No problem. As this requires you to actually go to the wifi box (its not a hack) Its not immoral. You will find a reset button on the back of the wifi router. Hold that for 30 seconds - its a factory reset. When the connection comes to, the password will be gone. Just do this any time you need into it. If later on he manages to block the web browser, I have a solution for that too: http://portableapps.com/apps/internet/firefox_portable

As for the accounts, thats no doubt a keylogger. And thats definitely not on. The ****er should have some sense at 27. Me not having ever used one I wouldnt know what to tell you to do about that except DO NOT use that PC for anything sensitive.

Recently, I got laid off work. My brother has a friend who works in the HR of the particular company. He got him to check up my work records. The friend apparently told my brother that I had left of my own accord (not true- I was fairly down about losing it, so close to Christmas). My brother then went on to spread the lies to my parents.
I was able to prove that I did get laid off, as I had a letter from work saying it.

He also has other weird rules, such as I'm not allowed enter a particular room (eg, sitting room), on a certain night, because it's 'his night'. I never have any say in this. He just pushes me around the place and has done pretty bad stuff before when I've spoken up. If I want to have 'my night' in a particular room, I'm not 'allowed'.

I know I'm responsible for my own happiness- and I'm getting the hell out there in January. It just sucks not to be able to look forward to going home ever, because he's always there.
It's difficult to be happy when someone is always putting you down and controlling.

He often says a series of awful things to me when my parents aren't around- that I'm a failure in everything I do in life...etc etc. I've felt suicidal a few times because of everything he's done through the years. (I don't feel like this any more though- as January isn't too far away+ I've worked really hard in uni getting high results etc)

If anyone thinks I can just stand up to him and stop him being controlling- I've tried everything. I've come to the conclusion he's just a pure evil control freak. I feel sorry for my parents in all of this- as there's nothing they seem to be able to do either.

I'm pretty sure with all his parental controls etc on the computer he'll be reading this too.

Has anyone any advice on what to do? Thanks.

Well, you can stop caring.

I mean, obviously he really gets off on being in control of everything. And worse, he's rather aggressive about it. One thing to try is to undermine his little one man kingdom. For example, using a computer he does not have access to: a personal laptop for instance. As the wannabe-hacker probably knows his way around a bootup and login password just try to make sure he doesnt get his mits on it or he'd lock you out just for spite. As for the wifi, do what i said, or use the wire. And he doesnt own the living room: so **** him.

Now to give an insight into your brother, I imagine again that he is the product of A-Typical Irish Mammy Syndrome. Yeah, he can buy a house and rent it out, but the sad fact of life is he's so dependent on your parents that he wouldnt know how to live in the damn thing. He'd probably still be breastfeeding if he got the chance. With no real independence in his life, he struggles to claim dominion over the petty things in life, like living rooms, televisions and computers. "Yeah, I can admin my mammy's PC - I am 1337." Still cant boil rice, you dumb bastard. The fact is youre 23 and are making a life for yourself and that bothers him.

A Primal Nut

Show your parents this message and the responses.
Show him this message and the responses.
Complain to the company about that guy in HR lying about you
Always go into the room when he doesn't want you there, in fact especially when he tells you not to be there.
Tell him to go **** himself on a regular basis.
Change your email password regularly - every time you use it. He is presumably using a keylocker. Of course if you regularly change your password you might forget it so have a piece of paper on yourself everytime you change it.
Get your parents involved: tell them everything there must be something they can do like cancelling the internet altogether.

Overheal

I somehow doubt he actually got a hold of HR. More than likely fabricated the lie himself to make you look bad with the parents who I presume are helping you out. no doubt he wants them to be less inclined to do so.

while I think of it the easiest way around a keylogger might be to keep all your passwords (typed out on some other machine!) on a text document, on a USB-Stick. Every time you use the computer, load up your text document, and copy and paste in the passwords. Its NO GUARANTEE that is the way he is bypassing your accounts, there are a dozen different way to do that if he has control of the machine. But in a pinch, it couldnt hurt to try.

As for seeing what wep pages youve visited you can try and throw him off by going to Tools in the upper right of Internet Explorer and Deleting all of the history every time you are finished browsing. But again, its much easier to just ask for a netbook for christmas.

estar

make him lose his temper as often as you can. you stay calm. focus on getting out. make him look as un reasonable and psychotic as possible. provoke him as much as you can with as little actions as you can. the purpose this will serve is to get your parents on side, and to make him as uncomfortable as possible, and possibly to force your parents to get him the help he needs.

thats one approach. probably too much effort.

the other approach is get out and get more successful and leave him behind.
have you any relatives you could live with? or friends?

i would phone that person in the HR dept and ask them why they did this, and why they think you shouldnt report them, just to teach them a lesson.

Sam Vimes

Overheal wrote: »

I somehow doubt he actually got a hold of HR. More than likely fabricated the lie himself to make you look bad with the parents who I presume are helping you out. no doubt he wants them to be less inclined to do so.

i was thinking that too. if he'd actually got information from the company it would have been correct

as for the modem, a less invasive way than resetting it would be (assuming you have eircom), plug your computer into the modem with a network cable, open up internet explorer and type in the address bar 192.168.1.254

that'll bring you to the router configuration page and you can then go into wirelss and either turn off the restriction or add your own computer's address

to get your computer's address press start->run, type cmd and press enter.

then when the black window opens type "ipconfig /all" (without the quotes) and press enter. a lot of information will appear. here's an example one:



Windows IP Configuration

Wireless LAN adapter Wireless Network Connection: <-- look for wireless

Connection-specific DNS Suffix . :
Connection
Physical Address. . . . . . . . . : 00-1C-BF-0C-5F-40 <-- your computer's address
DHCP Enabled. . . . . . . . . . . : Yes
Autoconfiguration Enabled . . . . : Yes

Jack Sheehan

I dont really have any advice except hang in there but seriously dude, I feel for you. This guy is a spoilt, controlling little tinpot dictator. You're a stronger man than me for not strangling him before this.

Good luck!

Overheal

estar wrote: »

make him lose his temper as often as you can. you stay calm. focus on getting out. make him look as un reasonable and psychotic as possible. provoke him as much as you can with as little actions as you can. the purpose this will serve is to get your parents on side, and to make him as uncomfortable as possible, and possibly to force your parents to get him the help he needs.

thats one approach. probably too much effort.

No no, youre right. The best way to beat a temperamental person is to be passive. I did it with my dad - he used to have an awful-foul temper and rather than act intimidated/get angry back, i found it always better to react as calmly as possible. The first few times you try it, it seems to piss them off, but they learn.

MIN2511

I have to say the responses here are very good!! Learnt a few things from Overheal and Sam Vines..

OP, i agree with everyone's suggestion on how to approach this. But i want to know, would you go through with them? It's one to listen to advice and it's another to act on it...

slinger99

In my opinion you have to stand up to your brother but on your terms.In my opinion you have to accept that an accident of biology has made this person your brother, in other words you owe no family loyalty to him...If it was me I would speak the truth at every opportunity because a sociopath hates nothing more than being told the truth..unfortunatly you will have no control over the outcome so its sad to say if you do all the above in a calm manner you may still lose your parents in the fallout. Be prepared to walk tall for the rest of your life and rid yourself of this misery that has stuck to you for years.......Good Luck and hang in there....

The Mighty Ken

Pretty much in agreement with everything being said here. Stand up to the guy. Laugh at him and be sure to remind him how pathetic he is when he tries to enforce his little rules. Unless he can actually prevent you from doing something, just ignore his bulls**t. For example, if he says you can't enter a certain room on a certain night, do it anyway. Pumping a little iron for a while mightn't be a bad idea either in case he ever decides to get physical with your increasing bravado and you have to defend yourself.

On the other hand, your parents need to grow some balls and your brother, probably, needs to see a mental health professional.

LolaLuv

I don't know about the advice saying you should go out of your way to annoy him and laugh at him and such. This guy sounds mentally unstable and pretty dangerous, especially if he accosted OP with a knife. I'm not sure pissing him off would be the best course of action. I think biding your time until you get out of the house would be your safest bet, OP. Really crappy situation.

Sam Vimes

PillyPen wrote: »

I don't know about the advice saying you should go out of your way to annoy him and laugh at him and such. This guy sounds mentally unstable and pretty dangerous, especially if he accosted OP with a knife. I'm not sure pissing him off would be the best course of action. I think biding your time until you get out of the house would be your safest bet, OP. Really crappy situation.

i agree. besides that, you don't want to appear like the bad guy and give him an excuse to do stuff to you. and i don't think it'd even be necessary. all you'll have to do to annoy him is behave like a reasonable human being while not doing whatever he says

Edit: sorry i agree about not Deliberately antagonising him. I don't agree you should just bide your time. You have to do something about it, just not that

The Mighty Ken

Um, hold on just a sec. It's appalling advice to tell the OP to continue to 'be the bigger man' and put up with this sadistic bullying to be perfectly honest.

Now if there's a chance he could become violent then yes, you need to watch your step and eventually phase your psychotic brother out of your life when you move out. If he ever does get violent, you need to 1) get a solicitor and 2) go to the Gardai and press charges.

If he's unlikely to get violent, stand up to him. Don't be sneering; do it in a mature and assertive manner and let him know what you think of his 'rules'. Be sure to let him know that he's well on his way to losing his relationship with his brother permanently. I can only assume that you want this freak out of your life - brother or not? Suggest to him that he get mental councelling for his control issues as he sounds quite ill. But above all - stand up for yourself. Don't take his s**t.

Heckler

You're brother is an asshole without doubt as well as a dangerous controlling possible sociopath with a superiority complex. He just loves dominating you. My advice would be get far away as fast as you can and never speak to him again. I really cannot understand people like this. What the hell happens to people that they decide, "right, i'm going to be a complete and utter cvnt to so and so". It beggers belief.

Chucky the tree

If it was me first thing I'd do is go out tomorrow and get a lock for my room. Then I'd think of loads little petty immature things to get back at him. Things like I'd buy batteries and hide the current ones in the remote somewhere, then everytime I'd be finished with the TV I'd take the batteries out and take them with me.


I certainly wouldnt happily bend over the table with a sign on my back saying "**** me" with an arrow pointing down. You parents obviously arent going to do anything so time you did.

Lockstep

Wow.... your brother sounds really really sad.
Anyone else reminded of the older brother in Napoleon Dynamite?


BEst advice I can give is don't get angry. If he tries his any of his Napoleon acts, laugh at him, appear calm and carry on with whatever your doing. Extremely infuriating to these little kings.
I grew up with a few brothers and it was common enough for the younger ones to pull the "banning" crap when they decided to try and grab some power. They usually grow out of this.
Really sad that he hasn't.

Fad

Make him feel small, find something he is embaressed about and exploit it, its not the most pleasant advice, but it's what id do, if I had such a tool of a sibling.

LightningBolt

He's a an idiot. Plain and simple. Pathetic little "man". The sooner you get out the better since your parents unfortunately have done little to address his control tendencies.

LegacyUser

Living well is the best revenge. Get away as soon as you can and live your own life. Not really much point fighting him, if he does that kind of stuff he must be a really miserable person already.

Terpsichore

Only one solution to teach this little B******: Call the Dog Whisperer and see if your bro can ever be salvaged.

SpookyDoll

He is mentally ill by the sounds of things.

If he is indeed a sociopath, the best way to deal with him is to be as unreactive as possible as they feed off negative attention and enjoy it immensely.

The less reactive you are the less fun it is for him. Remove any important belongings from the house and store them at a friends.

Information is power to the sociopath, get your mail re-directed elsewhere (can be done for something like €60 for 3 months)
Tell him nothing about your life, be distant and always be one step ahead of him.

Do not engage him in any way, simply avoid him as much as possible until you are able to move out.
Dont allow him to see you upset or agitated, he will enjoy this and feed off it.

For all the people saying "stand up to him" -if he is a sociopath it will do no good whatsoever, except to feed and satisfy him.

He is parasiting off your parents, I pity them but there is nothing you can do there.

Really, do not engage with him, its pointless, remain calm and move on as soon as you can.

Das Kitty

No doubt your parents know exactly what he's like. They've created this monster by trying to "keep the peace". They're also responsible for your mental health over all of this. No amount of "outing" your brother's behaviour is going to make a difference unless they decide that they're going to do something about it, and at this stage it's very unlikely.

All you can do to save yourself is to get out of there, and you're on your way to that thankfully. I really feel for you it's a horrible situation to feel so powerless.

xxx

Pat Mustard

adviceplease wrote: »

Cheers for the replies.
My parents don't like confrontation, so they try and keep the peace alot, even if it means ignoring the situation.

Somebody else said that they doubted that the HR dept in your company would have given out that information. Could be a 'cunning plan' by your brother. You might wanna be careful before you go in with both barrels against HR there.

I hate to say this, but your parents are the real source of this problem. You need to have a serious chat with them about the rift that they have allowed your brother to cause between them and you. Your brother is just a by-product of your parents' lazy, cowardly, laissez-faire attitude. Few people like confrontation, but sometimes you have to get on with it.

slinger99

I just wanted to add to my previous advice....If you confront/stand up at all to your brother..stay CALM AND COMPOSED.These type of people are usually extremley cunning and have developed ways of making the other person appear irrational. Stay on message if you choose to speak up.If,as you say your parents are enabling this behaviour you may have to stand/back from them too.Just assure them that you love them/care for them(if you do)but that for your own wellbeing you cannot allow yourself to be the subject of this behaviour.. do not fall for any emotional guilt traps and stay on message. Repeat yourself many times if you have to in a calm manner."Your (or The) behaviour is not acceptable" is a good phrase to use I find....Good luck and hold your head high!!

mossieh

Sorry if it sounds harsh but your brother sounds to me (from what little you've told us here) like a sociopath. I think spookydoll's advice is excellent.

RuailleBuaille

Chucky the tree wrote: »

If it was me first thing I'd do is go out tomorrow and get a lock for my room. Then I'd think of loads little petty immature things to get back at him. Things like I'd buy batteries and hide the current ones in the remote somewhere, then everytime I'd be finished with the TV I'd take the batteries out and take them with me.


I certainly wouldnt happily bend over the table with a sign on my back saying "**** me" with an arrow pointing down. You parents obviously arent going to do anything so time you did.

That would make you as bad as him and that's no victory.

OP your brother sounds like a total tool, a sad, pathetic loser and the sooner you get out, the better.

God love the man/ woman who takes him on.

You should think about talking to your parents about this, not in an effort to get him 'in trouble' but so they realise the reason they will see so little of you. The fact you will avoid your home because of him should be enough to make them light a fire under his lame ass, and if it doesn't, more fool them because they'll never shake him loose.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Simply reset the modem, access the router page, connect up your laptop and put an admin password on the router. (Some router need to be reset 5 times in quick succession to remove the admin pass). Play his game on him.

Hide something really grusomely smelly in the room when its "his" night. do this until he surrenders.

Overheal

wifiaccess wrote: »

Simply reset the modem, access the router page, connect up your laptop and put an admin password on the router. (Some router need to be reset 5 times in quick succession to remove the admin pass). Play his game on him.

Hide something really grusomely smelly in the room when its "his" night. do this until he surrenders.

He'll reset it back if he cant get into it. And it will only piss him off. Better to reset it and leave it unlocked, at least then theres a good chance it will take him quite some time to realise theres been a breach, assuming he has the wifi security settings saved in and doesnt have to enter them at every login, which I doubt he does.

And this may all be childish but sibling warfare? Read the thread, theres no 'surrender' here, and its not a game for him, its his way of life.

Also I would agree with my fellow posters in saying he may definitely be suffering from Antisocial Personality Disorder, but thats only my abject opinion, and i am far from a psychologist.

oxymora

God that sounds awful! I know your pain.
I've an older bro (by 5 yrs) who used to terrify me as a child and as an adult he never has a nice thing to say (not even "Hello"). Publicly and privately having a go and generally making my life miserable.
I've tried everything, the family ignores it cause "if you ignore it, it might just go away".
The distance thing doesn't work either, I lived in Belfast while he and the parents lived in Dublin (separate houses), I've been in Oz and now he lives in New York. Still whenever we are in the same room or I say anything he'll just have a go.
The only thing I've found, which is finally working, is not rising to the bait. It seems so easy but it isn't, the bait can be hidden in the most innocent of things, like "Hello"
I don't even make eye contact unless completely necessary. It sounds childish and cowardly but needs must.
You have to get out as soon as possible. He's just a bully. He hasn't the courage to get out and live on his own and is taking out his self-hate and boredom out on an easy target.
The most important thing you have to realise is very simple:
- This is not your fault. It never was your fault. You never did anything to deserve this treatment.
When you can tell yourself this, life with him in it, will seem a lil easier.
I hope this helps and that you have a peaceful family Christmas.

Fad

Pry into what exactly he's downloading, that he needs so much......

And if you find out, tell your parents and see how they react, childish but embaressing for him.

Overheal

Fad wrote: »

Pry into what exactly he's downloading, that he needs so much......

And if you find out, tell your parents and see how they react, childish but embaressing for him.

True I could think of several different ways to find all the porn he looks up, but I dont wish to traumatize the OP.

hatful

I cannot believe that your parents have enabled this behavior for so long shame on them, they're just as bad as him for facilitating it. He shouldn't even be living at home he's a grown man with his own house and income for christ sake. Get out as soon as possible. I wouldn't try and get him back although it would be satisfying there's no point. Here's hoping one day when he's older he realises the relationship he's lost and the fool he's been.

Sam Vimes

getting back at him is a really bad idea. He's much more practised than you at it so unless you're ready for an all out war i wouldn't do it.

SpookyDoll wrote: »

For all the people saying "stand up to him" -if he is a sociopath it will do no good whatsoever, except to feed and satisfy him.

When i say stand up to him i mean stop allowing him to kick him out of the room because he's "banned" etc. It's all well and good to say avoid confrontation but he can't live like that

SpookyDoll

Sam Vimes wrote: »

When i say stand up to him i mean stop allowing him to kick him out of the room because he's "banned" etc. It's all well and good to say avoid confrontation but he can't live like that

I know what you mean, but even if the victim calmly proceeds to do exactly what she/he wants and totally disregard the socio-brothers "orders" what will end up happening is that the mad brother will become more determined than ever to cause more ingenious suffering to the victim.
Seriously, as it is short term anyway, avoidance is the best way.

With an ordinary person who is just dominant or a bully, yes standing up to them is fine as they will learn that the person who stands up to them is "equal in the pack" and eventually back off.

But if this "controlling" brother is a sociopath/pschopath then they will never/ever learn and will see any defiance/retaliation as the victim engaging in an exciting mind game with them.

It will heighten their pleasure and they will escalate their campaign.

Pub07

Walk into the sitting room and sit down and when he tells you you are not allowed just say "Why not ffs? We're not kids anymore, do you realise you are acting like a total weirdo?"

Pub07

SpookyDoll wrote: »

With an ordinary person who is just dominant or a bully, yes standing up to them is fine as they will learn that the person who stands up to them is "equal in the pack" and eventually back off.

But if this "controlling" brother is a sociopath/pschopath then they will never/ever learn and will see any defiance/retaliation as the victim engaging in an exciting mind game with them.

So the op should just sit back and put up with this **** for another 20 or 30 years anytime he visits his parents? The situation should have been sorted out years ago, it is absurd. And this labelling of the brother as a sociopath/pschopath, has anyone here clinically analysed him? Has he assaulted or murdered anyone recently? People here are making him out to be a complete mental case. He sounds to me like a pathetic immature prick that has just never grown out of his childish habits of picking on his brother. If the op keeps caving in to his unreasonable behaviour he has no reason to change. You don't have to get violent or aggressive with him op just let him know how stupid he's acting and how you no longer putting up with it.

SpookyDoll

So the op should just sit back and put up with this **** for another 20 or 30 years anytime he visits his parents?

Yes, no choice. There are families out there living like it every day, these people like the brother will have insinuated themselves into the heart of the home, exploiting the parents pity and guilt no doubt in this case. Outrage will make not one jot of difference.

The situation should have been sorted out years ago, it is absurd. And this labelling of the brother as a sociopath/pschopath, has anyone here clinically analysed him? Has he assaulted or murdered anyone recently?

Good point, no one has clinically analysed him but its unlikely he will submit to it anyway. But going on what the OP has described he does sound a candidate, and with respect only a small number of sociopaths murder and assualt. Thats just what the layman sees on the telly. Their main activities are persistant harassment/bullying of those around them, colleagues/family/partners/children.

People here are making him out to be a complete mental case. He sounds to me like a pathetic immature prick that has just never grown out of his childish habits of picking on his brother.

That, essentially is what a sociopath is. They have the ego and sneakiness of a spoilt child, they are also usually cunning.

If the op keeps caving in to his unreasonable behaviour he has no reason to change. You don't have to get violent or aggressive with him op just let him know how stupid he's acting and how you no longer putting up with it.

It will not make one shred of difference.