defensive or passive guy?

metalfest

hi ladies,
just wondering which do ye prefer in an OH,
a guy who'll defend you and not let people treat you badly,
or
a passive guy who doesn't get bothered by it?

Jules

A good balance of the two, tbh. A guy who will let ya stand your own ground but will step in if needs be.

metaoblivia

I'm attracted to the idea of a guy who will defend me because my family is extremely passive and it's always been left up to me to defend myself in those situations. But I also know that guys who are defensive can take it too far, so it's a fine line to walk.

spinandscribble

never been with a defensive guy but as a defensive gf i'd probably like it. had bfs bitch and say in private what they would have said but they never would (all talk). or that guy that would hide beside me when knackers/gangy youths would walk up against us.

sometimes i just want someone who can stick up for me or be protective. i've always been the one to look out for those around me if trouble was abrewing, i'd like the same.

jellie

Jules wrote: »

A good balance of the two, tbh. A guy who will let ya stand your own ground but will step in if needs be.

exactly

Dragan

I find the majority of guys will be defensive the wrong way, in that they get pissed off for themselves, as opposed to for their girlfriends.

JaneyMc

In the middle is the only way to go. I'd prefer to handle any situation were I am being treated I'm being treated badly, but I would be pissed off if he acted like he didn't give a crap.

I find overly passive men are very unattractive, having a few ex's that acted that way turned me off it completely.

Kya1976

Jules wrote: »

A good balance of the two, tbh. A guy who will let ya stand your own ground but will step in if needs be.

+1

Galvasean

When you say defensive do you mean the kind of guy who sticks up for their woman when she's being slagged off or the kind of guy who yells "Oi, did you look at my bird!?" *Headbutt*

spinandscribble

Galvasean wrote: »

When you say defensive do you mean the kind of guy who sticks up for their woman when she's being slagged off or the kind of guy who yells "Oi, did you look at my bird!?" *Headbutt*

i mean the first one. thats just what i'd need jesus i already bust up fights at work an if i had a bf like the latter i'd be doing that after work too.

walk over bfs suck. but so do crazy "i'm going to kill you for looking at her" guys.

BKtje

Personally i generally let people handle their own situations unless i get the impression they want or need help. Either way i generally keep an eye on it so i can jump into the situation if needs be or something changes.

That said if i'm with someone who i know wouldn't stand up for themselves i'd be more likely to intervene and of course the opposite is also true. Basically what i'm saying is that it depends

A woman who can take care of herself but isn't afraid to ask for or accept help are very attractive imo.

Acacia

Defensive, definitely. Guys who are too passive are big turn off for me. Having said that, there's a fine line between 'defensive' and 'overly-aggressive psycho'.

LolaLuv

I dunno, good question! I can't think of too many instances where I've needed a guy to defend me. And when I would, I usually do it for myself. I'd like a guy who's doesn't get worked up over stupid stuff but who can hold his own when forced...if that makes sense.

Wibbs

Dragan wrote: »

I find the majority of guys will be defensive the wrong way, in that they get pissed off for themselves, as opposed to for their girlfriends.

Bingo.

FruitLover

Is it wrong to expect a grown woman to be able to stand up for herself?

cuckoo

FruitLover wrote: »

Is it wrong to expect a grown woman to be able to stand up for herself?

Not at all.

Although, part of being in a relationship is looking out for each other.

However, along with the 'insult my girlf = insult to my possession = insult to my manhood' men who are a little too violent for my tastes, there are women who will stir up things on purpose in order to get their OH to sort it out. I'm not sure if they're insecure, and want him to prove his love by decking someone, or if they're just bat crazy manipulative.

Dragan

FruitLover wrote: »

Is it wrong to expect a grown woman to be able to stand up for herself?

Of course not, but some people, male and female, might need a bit of a hand with certain situations.

metalfest

yeah, i was just wondering because recently my gf and i were at a party, she was drunk, i was not,
and this total player guy we know was all feeling her up and whatnot......

so i was just like, eh sorry....

and now he's afraid of me :P:P

metaoblivia

FruitLover wrote: »

Is it wrong to expect a grown woman to be able to stand up for herself?

Not at all, but for example: A few years back, I was stalked and sexually assaulted by a man. When I told my brother, he response was, "Oh. That sucks." And he went on with what he was doing. That reaction was mirrored by the rest of my family members.
Now, I'm not saying I would want someone who was ready to go out and hunt the guy down. But a little concern, a little support would have gone a long way in helping me to feel that I wasn't fighting that battle alone.

LolaLuv

metaoblivia wrote: »

Not at all, but for example: A few years back, I was stalked and sexually assaulted by a man. When I told my brother, he response was, "Oh. That sucks." And he went on with what he was doing. That reaction was mirrored by the rest of my family members.
Now, I'm not saying I would want someone who was ready to go out and hunt the guy down. But a little concern, a little support would have gone a long way in helping me to feel that I wasn't fighting that battle alone.

That's absolutely terrible.

4zn76tysfajdxp

metaoblivia wrote: »

Not at all, but for example: A few years back, I was stalked and sexually assaulted by a man. When I told my brother, he response was, "Oh. That sucks." And he went on with what he was doing. That reaction was mirrored by the rest of my family members.
Now, I'm not saying I would want someone who was ready to go out and hunt the guy down. But a little concern, a little support would have gone a long way in helping me to feel that I wasn't fighting that battle alone.

Jesus Christ, that's just awful.

Lockstep

metaoblivia wrote: »

Not at all, but for example: A few years back, I was stalked and sexually assaulted by a man. When I told my brother, he response was, "Oh. That sucks." And he went on with what he was doing. That reaction was mirrored by the rest of my family members.
Now, I'm not saying I would want someone who was ready to go out and hunt the guy down. But a little concern, a little support would have gone a long way in helping me to feel that I wasn't fighting that battle alone.

Jesus....

nomorebadtown

metaoblivia wrote: »

Not at all, but for example: A few years back, I was stalked and sexually assaulted by a man. When I told my brother, he response was, "Oh. That sucks." And he went on with what he was doing. That reaction was mirrored by the rest of my family members.
Now, I'm not saying I would want someone who was ready to go out and hunt the guy down. But a little concern, a little support would have gone a long way in helping me to feel that I wasn't fighting that battle alone.

eh, thats got very little to do with passive/defensive guys...that sounds more like a very serious problem in the relationship between yourself and your family...

anyway....

i've had the shoe on the other foot in my younger days, a very defensive (red haired) girlfriend who always butted in the i often had to leave the argument just to get her the fook out of there becuase she was going to get me a good beating with her gobbiness...bullet dodged there:D

GirlInterrupted

metaoblivia wrote: »

Not at all, but for example: A few years back, I was stalked and sexually assaulted by a man. When I told my brother, he response was, "Oh. That sucks." And he went on with what he was doing. That reaction was mirrored by the rest of my family members.
Now, I'm not saying I would want someone who was ready to go out and hunt the guy down. But a little concern, a little support would have gone a long way in helping me to feel that I wasn't fighting that battle alone.

Thats a lack of loving concern, not defensiveness. I do hope you're doing alright now though.

metaoblivia

Well, there's certainly more to do with it than simply defensive/passive guys. The point I was getting at though is that I was raised in a very passive, very unprotective family. It doesn't mean I can't stand up for myself; on the contrary, I learned from a very young age that no one was going to step up to the plate on my behalf: not my parents, not my brother, not anyone. So the idea of a man who's a little protective has always appealed to me. I think a certain amount of protectiveness from both sides is helpful in a couple.

GirlInterrupted

metaoblivia wrote: »

Well, there's certainly more to do with it than simply defensive/passive guys. The point I was getting at though is that I was raised in a very passive, very unprotective family. It doesn't mean I can't stand up for myself; on the contrary, I learned from a very young age that no one was going to step up to the plate on my behalf: not my parents, not my brother, not anyone. So the idea of a man who's a little protective has always appealed to me. I think a certain amount of protectiveness from both sides is helpful in a couple.

I agree both partners should look after each other, thats what its all about really. Emotionally and physically, singly and as a couple.

LightningBolt

It'd depend on the situation, if she was in danger physically obviously I'd get involved. If it was words being exchanged and she could handle herself I'd leave it to herself unless of course a guy made a remark about her ie. slut, whore.

I think the majority of even the most hardened women will require the need of a defensive guy at some point in their lives whether they be family, friends or their bf/husband. Ideally this wouldn't be necessary but there's a lot of idiots/potentially harmful people out there.

Nuravictus

nothing wrong with it if its getting out of hand but how would you feel in your boyfriend stepped in & got beaten to a pulp.

Gyalist

metalfest wrote: »

hi ladies,
just wondering which do ye prefer in an OH,
a guy who'll defend you and not let people treat you badly,
or
a passive guy who doesn't get bothered by it?

The more I think about your question is the more i realise that the first man who managed to convince a woman that she needed the protection of a man was a marketing genius. Women more frequently need protection from men rather than the protection of men.

I'd tend not to intervene unless there's a clear risk of physical danger. Most of the women I know tend to be very feisty and perfectly capable of handling most situations.

Dragan

Gyalist wrote: »

Most of the women I know tend to be very feisty and perfectly capable of handling most situations.

I see this bandied about quite a bit but the simple truth of the matter is that most PEOPLE are not mentally or physically equipped to deal with a decently scary physical confrontation.

Slow Motion

Gyalist wrote: »

The more I think about your question is the more i realise that the first man who managed to convince a woman that she needed the protection of a man was a marketing genius. Women more frequently need protection from men rather than the protection of men.

I'm sorry but that's just a load of crap! It goes both ways!

Gyalist

Dragan wrote: »

I see this bandied about quite a bit but the simple truth of the matter is that most PEOPLE are not mentally or physically equipped to deal with a decently scary physical confrontation.

That's true, but most women over the age 14/15 have already learned that their physical strength cannot match that of a male and have developed other strategies to cope. In may cases the intervention of a man only inflames the situation.

Gyalist

Slow Motion wrote: »

I'm sorry but that's just a load of crap! It goes both ways!

How so? If you want to be Captain Save-a-Ho and behave as if women aren't capable of looking after themselves, good luck with that.

Dragan

Gyalist wrote: »

That's true, but most women over the age 14/15 have already learned that their physical strength cannot match that of a male and have developed other strategies to cope. In may cases the intervention of a man only inflames the situation.

Tell me about it. I was working one night when a guy slapped his girlfriend HARD in the face right in front of me. He was drawing his hand back for a second go when i reached out and grabbed his wrist and elbow and gave a gentle twist. Seconds later i get this sharp stabbing pain in the base of my neck a couple of times and then it stops, i chuck him out and turn around to find one of the guys holding the girlfriend by the scruff.

She had her shoe in her hand and had been ramming it into my neck! I told her fair enough, if she wanted to defend a fella who would slap her then she could go out with him. We put her out and bang, the guy smashed her in the teeth full force, she hit the deck and we took him down and called the cops.

They show up and she is there screaming abuse at us and the police to leave her fella alone.

So just to shut her the **** up we had her done with assault as well.

GB15

Dragan wrote: »

Tell me about it. I was working one night when a guy slapped his girlfriend HARD in the face right in front of me. He was drawing his hand back for a second go when i reached out and grabbed his wrist and elbow and gave a gentle twist. Seconds later i get this sharp stabbing pain in the base of my neck a couple of times and then it stops, i chuck him out and turn around to find one of the guys holding the girlfriend by the scruff.

She had her shoe in her hand and had been ramming it into my neck! I told her fair enough, if she wanted to defend a fella who would slap her then she could go out with him. We put her out and bang, the guy smashed her in the teeth full force, she hit the deck and we took him down and called the cops.

They show up and she is there screaming abuse at us and the police to leave her fella alone.

So just to shut her the **** up we had her done with assault as well.

If you go over to the martial arts forum on boards you will find endless stories like this from guys who are bouncers.

There seems to be a general rule to never intervene between a fighting couple - lots of them have learnt this the hard way.

Dragan

GB15 wrote: »

If you go over to the martial arts forum on boards you will find endless stories like this from guys who are bouncers.

There seems to be a general rule to never intervene between a fighting couple - lots of them have learnt this the hard way.

Well i mod that Forum so i know all about the stories! Personally i will always get involved, I would rather work off the assumption that they will appreciate the help....if they don't i'll just leave them to what ever fate they have dug themselves into.

cuckoo

Yikes Dragon, I hope your neck was ok and she didn't break the skin with her heel.

Sometimes how a guy behaves after something happening can be as important as how he reacts during it. Like "omg, i can't believe he/she said/did that to you - i'm so angry, i should have hit him, angry, angry" is less useful than "wow, that got scary back there. You ok? gotta say, i'm a bit shaken by that *another hug*".

LolaLuv

Dragan wrote: »

Tell me about it. I was working one night when a guy slapped his girlfriend HARD in the face right in front of me. He was drawing his hand back for a second go when i reached out and grabbed his wrist and elbow and gave a gentle twist. Seconds later i get this sharp stabbing pain in the base of my neck a couple of times and then it stops, i chuck him out and turn around to find one of the guys holding the girlfriend by the scruff.

She had her shoe in her hand and had been ramming it into my neck! I told her fair enough, if she wanted to defend a fella who would slap her then she could go out with him. We put her out and bang, the guy smashed her in the teeth full force, she hit the deck and we took him down and called the cops.

They show up and she is there screaming abuse at us and the police to leave her fella alone.

So just to shut her the **** up we had her done with assault as well.

That's really sad that people would relate to one another like that.

bills

She is obviously her own worst enemy!!

Osteosam

LightningBolt wrote: »

I think the majority of even the most hardened women will require the need of a defensive guy at some point in their lives whether they be family, friends or their bf/husband.

You're right here... I'm totally capable of waging my own wars with the idiots who will always exist, but when in a relationship it just feels damn good to know that the other person cares enough to stick their neck out on my behalf...not so much a need as in can't live without it, but I guess probably it is a 'need' as much as making one partner feel significant to the other.

Also I think being assertive rather than aggressive is the sign of good mature boundaries in both men and women... highly attractive!

Well that's my 5c worth!