Big Girl Dilemma

LegacyUser

Going unreg as its a bit of a weird one and I might get a slagging.
So I work in a large department in an IT company and was out one night with the work crowd. At the end of the night when people were moving on to a nightclub I asked one girl innocently enough (i.e. I dont fancy her) where she was going. She replied we are off to Havana Browns but you are not coming as you are a geek. Now at the time I was a bit shocked but the next day actually thought it was funny. Since then she makes comments about me. Now here is the thing she is fat. Not massively but overweight. Calling me a geek does not bother me really as its semi accurate but there is more to it - she is bullying me subtlely. Now I know this and am at a loss as how to handle it. I could call her fat next time she calls me a geek but I literally cant be that mean to a girl and because I am not particularily bothered about the geek tag I think it would be raising the stakes quite a lot. I mean calling a girl fat is pretty devastating for them I would guess.

So what do I do. I swear I have been thinking about how to handle it for some time but am coming up blank. I mean its minor enough but I know if I let it continue it could get worse and then I am going to have to nuke her by calling her a blimp or worse. Please help before I unleash the f word.

Wibbs

Don't get into it basically. The "fat" or "geek" labels are immaterial really. It's how they make the person feel. You must feel at some level the geek tag. That's on your side not hers. So ignore it. Same with the bullying. Ignore her. Don't accommodate or facilitate her or an escalation of this in any way. Simply put if you do pander to this you will look and be as weak as her. Her attitude to you is a projection of her own issues and fears and sweet FA to do with you in objective reality. You're your own man so who cares?

Chucky the tree

"Your just jealous of my star trek collection love." Basically I'd just banter back with her. Chances are if she see's you dont care what she says she will stop. I'd never go near the fat joke. Even if she's calling you a geek etc other people in work will think your a grade A **** if you slag her weight. Specially the females.



Also, what age is the girl?! Turning around and saying "you can come because your a geek" is so unbelievable immature and pathetic. I'd expect it from kids. If that is how she acts it wouldnt suprise me if she's being mean to you because she fancies you, like back in playschool

Anti

Firstly, grow a pair of balls. Secondly, stand up and be a man. She is probably only messing with you, but if you are seriously starting ot take offence dont get into the whole slagging her back thing, as coz she is fat she will probably run off crying to HR about it. Just ignore her.

cantdecide

Next time she cheapens herself with petty and childish name-calling, just say 'My dear, you don't know the first thing about me'.

It's a catch all.

Liber8or

Are you certain she is being malicious by calling you a geek?
Do you talk to the girl often?
Does she call you a geek to your face when she is alone or only when around friends?

I know I call my friends WoW nerds or geeks the odd time but they know I am messing; she could be doing the same.

However, if you are pretty certain she is being cruel and stooped to the level of name calling then it's pretty childish. I know a lot of people would suggest, pulling her to the side and telling her you dont appreciate the name calling etc, but i doubt that would work. Same applies with telling your boss or the HR Department of whats going on. She might adhere to it, but most bullies would just continue to sly remarks.

I suggest the being smarter approach.

Instead, confront her and ask her why she is calling you a geek when she works for an IT company as well? If she continues to call you a geek, explain to her that you really dont give a **** what she thinks, and if she spent less time drinking, she might lose some weight, get off her fat arse, and get on with her own life rather than judging other people.

I know some people might criticise me for suggesting that, but some bullies cant be reasoned with and you have to show them how they make others feel. Then they might come round to their senses and realise you are not a push over and they dont want to feel like **** again.

Good luck!

Curvy Vixen

You're not in primary school so don't bother resorting to name calling...it's infantile and I would assume that you would think that you are better than that?

Why are you trying to work out what effect calling her fat (or other names) will have instead of trying to resolve the issue in an adult fashion?

Ask her why she is calling you names if it bothers you. If she does it in front of others just calmly say 'Can I ask why you are being so bitchy to me please?' That will absolutely stop her in her tracks and make her out to look like an idiot enough in front of colleagues.

ETA: She might not actually be 'bullying' you. She might be flirting with you or thinking that she's having some fun/banter with you..she could be with her mates telling them what great craic this fella in work is and what fun she has with him. But again, if it is bothering you, you need to take steps to stop it..

LegacyUser

Agreed I am not in school and I do have balls but also self restraint. Sitting down with her is not going to work as it will just cause a scene and I cant be dealing with that.

I guess Im gonna have to take Jebus's advice and turn the other cheek here.

ziedth

I trend to agree, Don't go down the road of name calling cause your simpy going to look like a prick.

this can really be taken one of two ways:

1. She's doing it as a joke(I doubt it by the sound of your post)

2. She's serious and sounds like a bit of a cow.

Either way If its annoying you I wouldn't just let it slide, If it doesn't bother you let it off.

My advice to get her to back off would be to point out that you work in IT and are hardly going to go out and brand cattle on your day off.

If it gets to much start writing everything down with what was said time & Places, If it keeps up warn her to back off and that you don't find it funny so please stop if it still is going on make a complaint to your boss with the info taken.

Wagon

Healthier to be a skinny geek than a great fat bitch.

jim o doom

Are you sure she is 'Bullying' you? Was this an isolated incident where she might just have been joking (vaguely innappropriately)? I mean me and my mates (including the 2 people in work I am friends with) call each other horrible crap all the time & make fun of each other - makes us feel better about ourselves and it's fun thinking up the cruellest thing you can imagine & seeing if you can outdo the other person!

If you think she really is being a cnut for no good reason, then stop being such a b!tch and stand up for yourself! nobody has a right to intimidate you; but don't rely on something so weak and blatantly unimaginative as "your'e fat".. Use you imagination, say cruel things that are BLATANTLY UNTRUE - but stick with them - this is mean of course, but fook it, if she is willing to walk on you, don't be a Christian and turn the other cheek, be a man and stand up for yourself. - this is however on the basis that she is ACTUALLY being a b!tch, if she was just joking, try growing some extra thick skin & get over it, people are mean to each other all the time!

junior_apollo

Regardless of whether she IS bullying or not.. next time she insults you (you arent taking it as offensive but she intends it that way obviously.. report it to HR..

Thats what they are there for!... Report it and A) It'll stop She'll get her comeuppance

ladiee24

i agree with manties grow a pair! yes she was wrong to call you a geek but you need to grow up & not resort to childish playground tactics. as a woman who's been subject to these tactics i can tell you it will do more harm than good & i don't mean in her running off to HR.

bruce wayne

junior_apollo wrote: »

Regardless of whether she IS bullying or not.. next time she insults you (you arent taking it as offensive but she intends it that way obviously.. report it to HR..

Thats what they are there for!... Report it and A) It'll stop She'll get her comeuppance

+1 on that

under no circumstances call her a name...particularly anything size related, cause you can put money on it....she will waddle her big fat arse quicker to HR to report you quicker than you can power up an xbox.

TerrorFirmer

I think we can assume she's not messing or having the laugh when she referred to him being a geek as reason he wasn't allowed come with them to a nightclub on a night out.

Curvy Vixen

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

I think we can assume she's not messing or having the laugh when she referred to him being a geek as reason he wasn't allowed come with them to a nightclub on a night out.

Trust me...for some wimmens (especially with drink on board)...that's called giving someone the 'come on'

Wibbs

Insults are pretty simple to deal with and understand. Numero uno and this usually throws people or they will forcefully disagree or they will reject it as in some way they get some strange validation from it; it's never personal. Doesn't matter who it's from, loved one or stranger, it's never personal. Oh sure you may think it is, especially from a loved one, but it's not. It's always their projection of their own issues on to you. You're reaction is a response based on your issues to that.

OK OP you don't know me from a hole in the wall. More to the point I don't know you. If I say, "OP you're an idiot", would you feel insulted? You very well might. Why? It would make absolutely no sense. I don't know whether you are or not. Your reaction would be entirely based on your own internal feeling about yourself.

OK then expand it out to someone who does know you a little more like the large lass at work. Does she really know you? Nope. Does she know that you're actually a geek? Nope again. It's down to you believing that in some way to be true. If she called you a Bolivian puppy molester would you react? No you would laugh. Why? Because you know you're not a Bolivian puppy molester, but you're not quite sure you're not a "geek". Same if you called her a martian. She's not going to react or will laugh. Call her jabba the hut and she'll freak, because she knows shes fat and she's conscious of it. It's her issue that gives the insult power and it's your issue that gives you pleasure to insult her in the first place.

If you're a balanced secure human being, insults are never insults and they're never personal. To react in any way to her, actually proves her right on many levels.

Learn this and it'll be one of the best lessons you will ever learn. Most never do. At best they make the pretense of ignoring it.

ladiee24

wibbs you are a truly wise man & yes you are right an insult only has power when it is a concern of the person the insult is aimed at.

i think a little consideration should be taken into account by each party & yes if you can simply ignore the insult you're away in a hack.

i am of a curvier nature & i'm activley loosing weight. if anyone comments on my weight i do take it personally & 99.9% of people not just women will do so. i think people are just lacking in plain manners!

jim o doom

Wibbs wrote: »

Learn this and it'll be one of the best lessons you will ever learn. Most never do. At best they make the pretense of ignoring it.

That's a well made post there Wibbs, which I agree with;

Although sometimes when people are insulting each other (especially friends) it becomes a game; if someone says something horrible about you (i.e. calls you a child molestor for instance) you can respond in kind or agree with them and then go in to detail about how you (i.e. molested them as a child or their little brother or something to that effect) and it just becomes a joke as to see who can be that bit more horrible or funny combined with horrible and get the most laughs out of each other.

Sure it helps if you and your friends are b0llockses to each other all the time, but it's a fun game regardless, which is why I have to wonder if she really was bullying him in some subtle way; Giving each other "stick" is a way of life, sure it means we haven't grown out of a very silly childhood mentality, but I think retaining a chunk of your childishness is key to having a fun life

Vegeta

Look if it is annoying you and she does it again, especially in front of work colleagues (make sure one of them is a friend of yours)

State clearly, calmly but sternly "What's your problem, so what if I am a geek. I don't make comments on your appearance or personality at work so please don't comment on mine"

She'll say "Jesus, sooooorrrryyyy, what's got up your arse"

You say and again quite sternly but remain calm "Just drop it will you"

You probably don't want to get her fired but just want her to stop annoying you. If you do the above in front of people she will know you are not a pushover or afraid to stand up to her.

it really depends what kind of a relationship you have with her tbh

TripleAce

Unregabc1007 wrote: »

Going unreg as its a bit of a weird one and I might get a slagging.
So I work in a large department in an IT company and was out one night with the work crowd. At the end of the night when people were moving on to a nightclub I asked one girl innocently enough (i.e. I dont fancy her) where she was going. She replied we are off to Havana Browns but you are not coming as you are a geek. Now at the time I was a bit shocked but the next day actually thought it was funny. Since then she makes comments about me. Now here is the thing she is fat. Not massively but overweight. Calling me a geek does not bother me really as its semi accurate but there is more to it - she is bullying me subtlely. Now I know this and am at a loss as how to handle it. I could call her fat next time she calls me a geek but I literally cant be that mean to a girl and because I am not particularily bothered about the geek tag I think it would be raising the stakes quite a lot. I mean calling a girl fat is pretty devastating for them I would guess.

So what do I do. I swear I have been thinking about how to handle it for some time but am coming up blank. I mean its minor enough but I know if I let it continue it could get worse and then I am going to have to nuke her by calling her a blimp or worse. Please help before I unleash the f word.

Don't call her fat!!! This can be very offensive and not classy.....however she deserve a punishment. I think "Moby Dick" would do

Wibbs

Wagon wrote: »

Healthier to be a skinny geek than a great fat bitch.

TripleAce wrote:

Don't call her fat!!! This can be very offensive and not classy.....however she deserve a punishment. I think "Moby Dick" would do

Ok and this is the normal reaction by most, even if not admitted, but look at it objectively again. By saying things of this nature the person doing so is admitting they're insecure. They're the one that would be hurt by something that they believe about themselves as a person, so they seek to take advantage of that insecurity in another. If I felt insecure and actively wanted to hurt someone this is what I would do, though it would be ultimately fruitless and I wouldn't see the point. It wouldn't stop me being insecure. It would prove my insecurity and expose it in plain sight.

I know it feels unnatural to many to think of it like this, but it is a better way to think.

not yet

The classic.......GO FCUK yourself always works,but ya gotta mean it.

Pub07

Straight out calling her a big fat whore is too blantant, a better tactic is to sing a few lines of 'Big girls you are beautiful' by Mika when she's around - maybe it'll teach her to keep her mouth shut in future.

ladiee24

Pub07 wrote: »

Straight out calling her a big fat whore is too blantant, a better tactic is to sing a few lines of 'Big girls you are beautiful' by Mika when she's around - maybe it'll teach her to keep her mouth shut in future.

that's totally childish Pub! come on! yea he needs say say i'd prefer if you didn't comment about me where it's not called for but to sink to that level it a waste of everyone's time!

TripleAce

Wibbs wrote: »

Ok and this is the normal reaction by most, even if not admitted, but look at it objectively again. By saying things of this nature the person doing so is admitting they're insecure. They're the one that would be hurt by something that they believe about themselves as a person, so they seek to take advantage of that insecurity in another. If I felt insecure and actively wanted to hurt someone this is what I would do, though it would be ultimately fruitless and I wouldn't see the point. It wouldn't stop me being insecure. It would prove my insecurity and expose it in plain sight.

I know it feels unnatural to many to think of it like this, but it is a better way to think.

I know and I agree with your point - people shouldn't lower themselves to that level. However her fatty colleague is one of those "too damn stupid to understand they are stupid", so she wouldn't understand that she is the Villan and you are the Hero if you keep cool. A reminder of what she really is (in private) should keep her quiet. Maybe Moby Dick is a bit too much and direct, but something on those lines that leaves a bit more to the imagination (to make her wonder) would do IMO.

TripleAce

Pub07 wrote: »

Straight out calling her a big fat whore is too blantant, a better tactic is to sing a few lines of 'Big girls you are beautiful' by Mika when she's around - maybe it'll teach her to keep her mouth shut in future.

Lovely idea

TomMc

Remember people are never so disposed to criticise as when they are dissatisfied with themselves. As tempted as you might be to tell her to do some exercise and so develop a more positive mental attitude

wibbs is right don't pander to her low tastes

A wise man was once verbally abused by someone and so responded "I refuse to accept your misery, and would ask that you keep it to yourself". Gentle but effective!

Wibbs

TripleAce wrote: »

I know and I agree with your point - people shouldn't lower themselves to that level. However her fatty colleague is one of those "too damn stupid to understand they are stupid", so she wouldn't understand that she is the Villan and you are the Hero if you keep cool.

So what? That's my point. So if she is stupid or whatever. Who cares? Why would the op need the validation of being the hero or making her the villain?

Saruman

Laugh it off... or taking it a bit more extreme...

Every time you see her or pass by her look at her and start laughing hysterically

TripleAce

Wibbs wrote: »

So what? That's my point. So if she is stupid or whatever. Who cares? Why would the op need the validation of being the hero or making her the villain?

He doesn't need her validation, he knows he is better. She doesn't know though and there is nothing more annoying of having a stupid bully going around the place and thinking to be cool....I wouldn't be surprised if she puts around rumors that he made a move on her or that he fancies her!

OP a geek? Opinion.

Girl fat? Proven fact!

Pub07

That's the best one yet. 'It may be your opinion that I'm a geek, but it is a FACT you are a fat mess'.

Peewee_lane

Right I got a good one OP.

Next time she says geek, rhyme it off with freak directed at her in your next sentence. "Geeks arnt allowed? Who said freaks were?" And start laughing.

No-one likes the freak word.

I would love to call some heads I worked with fat, but really, its taking it to a whole other level.

A few years ago I called my sister fat in an immature argument, I ended up gaining a load of weight (after trying for a few years because I was soooo thin) and she lost it all! *slaps face* ( God works in mysterious ways)

Think in regards of them developing an eating disorder by going completely over the top, etc.

LegacyUser

"Why don't you pick on someone your own size??"

Makes your point while saying nothing at all!

McGinty

Hi Op

Wibbs gives some brilliant advice there, and believe me I have done that (ignoring insults), when a person insults you, and you remain silent, or you could even thank them, I have often done that when someone has said to me 'your weird' and I'll say I know thank you, it is a powerful thing to do, and that person who has projected their stuff onto you are left having to deal with it themselves, so just agree with her (even if you don't feel it) because she will be puzzled and you will be owning a part of yourself and you can't be hurt anymore by it.

jen_23

Hi OP,

It is a difficult situation if it was a guy it would probably be much easier. (plus guys are not that bitchy... )

It sounds as though she is insecure and is overcompensating for it by trying to make you feel bad so she can feel good...

I think a few already suggested it but I would just banter with her in a laugh it off way.
As in

girl: your such a geek
You: Ya I know least I can admit it hahaha...

She'l stop when you show you're not bothered by her.

Wibbs

TripleAce wrote: »

He doesn't need her validation, he knows he is better.

Then why bother rising to her bait?

She doesn't know though

So? That's her problem not his.

and there is nothing more annoying of having a stupid bully going around the place and thinking to be cool....

Why? She has no power whatsoever to actually bully anyone beyond what others give her. People make this mistake all the time. We're not talking people getting thumped here so all she's doing is bringing her own insecurities out in public. So let her. What's its it to the OP? Nothing beyond what he's bringing to it.

I wouldn't be surprised if she puts around rumors that he made a move on her or that he fancies her!

Again so what if she did? Big deal. He knows it's not true so why worry about the rumours she spreads? Indeed if he does rise to her bullshít he'll only add to it.

OP a geek? Opinion.

Girl fat? Proven fact!

Again so? Makes no difference in the scheme of things.

Many people don't learn new responses much after childhood. Yes they may reduce them or cover them up, but they're still responding much as they did in the schoolyard. I'm not surprised as we're not given the tools to build these healthier more productive responses so we act like we've always acted. She is acting like a child, who is insecure and lashes out, bullies others(though we've not established that). If the OP responds in kind then he will be acting like a child too.

It's counterproductive really and only has the effect of damaging their own sense of emotional security. The difference is subtle but it is behind many of the emotional ills that face people every day.

It's so easy to follow too as it feels "natural" to us. It's only natural because it's what we've always done and because we know little else we run with that.

Does it help? Nope. Beyond the little ego boost of getting in a "fat" dig at her, what does it actually accomplish? All you have succeeded in doing is pointing at the insecurity she already knows she has. What effect do you think that will have? A good one? Nope again. Best case scenario you will hurt her enough that she withdraws for a while. Hurting people is not really good for the psyche. Worst case scenario she'll escalate the situation and then the OP is looking for ever more examples of the concept "fat". Kinda silly.

You and others coming up with all the ways to respond to the woman as fat bitch whale etc react in this learned way because that's what you think is the "right" thing to do. You may read my posts and say you see what I mean but you're actually not getting it at all. It may actually start to feel frustrating to you or feel overly passive or whatever. That's cool too. That's just that learned response fighting for it's life. TBH It took me many years to get it. Life is a lot easier and happier since I did. The thing is people would much rather be right than happy contented emotionally secure people. If we look to ourselves as a first response and softened our outlook and reactions, our insecurities would be lesser and the world would be an easier place to live in.

AlanG

Every day you should send her lots of links to Nerd videos and articles on the web. Make the subject - I know you will like this nerd stuff.

If she is flirting then she will appreciate the joke and attention. If she is slagging you it will really piss her off.

TripleAce

AlanG wrote: »

Every day you should send her lots of links to Nerd videos and articles on the web. Make the subject - I know you will like this nerd stuff.

If she is flirting then she will appreciate the joke and attention. If she is slagging you it will really piss her off.

Jaaaaaysus this sounds really time consuming. Surely OP could use this time for something more important

LegacyUser

Do not call her fat whatever you do- defintly hold you head up and take the moral high ground- people notice class.

(If you simply cant resist then call her "slim", like "hey, hows it going slim?")

Wibbs

McGinty wrote: »

I have often done that when someone has said to me 'your weird' and I'll say I know thank you, it is a powerful thing to do, and that person who has projected their stuff onto you are left having to deal with it themselves, so just agree with her (even if you don't feel it) because she will be puzzled and you will be owning a part of yourself and you can't be hurt anymore by it.

True and how you often know its really working is when they actually push it even more looking for a reaction from you. Basically they're saying "I'm insecure. Why aren't you being as insecure as me!!!!! Please be insecure!!! wah wah etc". They can't believe you're not because 99% of the people in their lives have reacted and they get a little false ego boost every time. They also seek to drag you to their level. Just like a child. It's actually quite sad to see how people can be that scared or insecure.

Queencake

McGinty is spot on. Own it. Smile and say "Yup". Like Wibbs says, she'll try to push it but just be steady. She sounds quite the stupid lassie so she'll be confused.

Being a nerd is quite the norm nowadays. I'd go so far as to say it's pretty cool. Obviously she's meant it in a negative way. I don't think she's flirting. I've done the teasing thing with fellas but I've never excluded a guy I liked from a night out.

I was called a swot in school because I got good results (although I never had to work to get them). At first it bothered me but once I started saying "Gosh, I wish! If I really was can you imagine how far I'd get?! It's the school swots who learn the most and often wind up earning the most! Hope I am a swot!"

Lol turns out I'm not a "swot" - I'm much more into socialising and doing fun hobbies than studying and achieving academically! I admire those that do though, greatly. Their determination and their work ethic!

mayordenis

"Whats your problem, you old cow shaped wagon monster" would of been my reply.

Fol20

My opinion is that treat others as they would treat you,maybe not as direct as her but still subtle attempts

Jesus1222

Ask her if she'll be your fat friend?

Go on.

I'd say it's friendly enough her namecalling. In any company the non-IT people will refer to IT people as some sort of name. The IT geeks etc.. On the scale of inappropriateness it's about a 1/10 at best.

Wibbs

Fol20 wrote: »

My opinion is that treat others as they would treat you

Bit of a change from the original, treat others as you would be like to be treated. Maybe it's me and I don't like cover versions much but I prefer the original:D Tends to be more practical and healthy too.

abi2007

sounds a bit like the csrtoon 'hey arnold' where the girl really fancies the guy but is constantly mean to him... a little immature but maybe she doesn't know how to behave around a guy she likes

Wibbs

Actually I didn't want to voice that option, but yes it's possible. If she singles you out for attention alone or mostly, that could very well be part of it. Or not.

PeakOutput

did you go with them to the club or did she really not allow you to go?

IanCurtis

Comfortable, secure confident people don't bother slagging anyone - they don't really care what other people do or say. It's her issue, not yours OP.

I know myself when I'm slagging everyone and anyone, I'm not happy myself. When I'm in good form and at peace with the world, I don't bother passing any remarks on anyone.

Liam Byrne

With that attitude then being fat is the least of her worries...

I mean, she could lose weight next month and she'd still be an ignorant, bitchy cow!