good husband.........but!

LegacyUser

Ok so here’s the problem. Happily married for 3 years (together for 12.) he’s a good hub , provides for me and child well. We have our issues but never argue, we have a very good natured relationship.

The only things that irks me is the finances, he earns much more than me, he pays the mort/shopping etc, I pay the gas/elec/phone, it’s just the way it was always done. If I get to the day b4 payday and have no money, that’s the way it is. I would never ask him for money in that way. But one day we were in the house and I needed petrol, he had some money on his locker and I said, ‘can I take this 20 I need petrol’ fine no problem. I didn’t really think about it at the time, but a week later I was at work and got an e mail from him, just general chat about what he was at at work, but at the end he says, ‘by the way I transferred that 20 euro you borrowed last week from your account, just in case you thought you were short.’ (he has access to my 365 though I don’t have access to his) now this really bugged me. it just seemed so anal.

My sister and her hub share the bills, if he has no money she uses his and vice versa, they have a joint account and there own and have complete access to all. I’m just wondering am I being over sensitive or what is the usual way in marriage. I know he’s extra organised compared to me but this is over the top is it not ? as a result of this I’m becoming irritated by everything he does now, things he has done for years suddenly bother me and I have begun to over analyse my situation.

For instance. I have two childhood friends. That’s it. we have been friends since school and have nothing in common but that fact. I have no other friends. I have made some but he acts all wounded and forelorn when I attempt to build friendships outside our marriage. He has plenty of friends and he does encourage me with their partners, but I want friends of my own. I had forged a good friendship at work and began getting out socially with her but everytime we would arrange to meet outside work he would be all ‘ oh you don’t need me now, you’re leaving our little team’ and I would spend the evening feeling bad that he was left at home while I was out enjoying myself.

It never occurred to me then but now it’s all I think about. In the end that friendship fell to the wayside cause I kept putting her off when she’d suggest doing something, in after thought at his suggestion. So now I’m obsessed with my irritations and lonely for someone to express them to as he was the one I would do so with. He’s a good hub, he doesn’t drink, beat me, cheat on me, am I over reacting?

ellebelle

I don't think your being too sensitive, I think I'd feel exactly the same. Its a bit petty in marriage to be looking for a borrowed €20 back and transfering it into his own account from yours

You need talk to him about this and in a calm manner tell him how you feel. Its these little things that just fester into ugly situations. With out patronising him acknowledge what a great person he is but that you don't understand his thinking.

With regard to the friend issue he is being insecure but you need to from friendships out side of marriage.

itsasecret

yea i think i would be a little annoyed about this..

ellebelle has it nailed.. talk to him...

LolaDub

Marriages as any relationships go through their ups and downs. Relationships need to be worked on and i think you need to put some work into this. Sit down and talk and explain that you have some things you need to get into the open. If you have separate bank accounts then neither of you should have access to the others account, i definitely don't think he should be transferring money from your account without your permission. The friends issue would concern me tbh. It sounds like he's too insecure to let you have friendships that don't involve him. Partners should be able to spend time with each others friends and vice versa but it sounds very one sided and a little controlling tbh if he wants you to only share in his friends and have none of your own.

LegacyUser

The €20 euro thing s pretty anal-if you don't have access to his 365 why should he have access to yours? I'd change my password to show him I'm the boss of my own account!

How can he expect you to have no friends?! Your whole life can't revolve around one relationship! Get out there and start making new friends at evening classes or whatever and start living yor life. If he starts making comments, explain to him how you feel. He has friends, so why shouldn't you? If he really loved you, he'd want you to be happy and he'd be happy for you going out and meeting people if that's what you enjoy. Good luck xx
Oh and if he is still unhappy about you having friends, tell him you'll dump them if he dumps his! It's not quite the same when the shoe is on the other foot!

Dizzyblonde

In my opinion you're not overreacting at all. It sounds to me as if your hubby's quite insecure in your relationship and as a result is being controlling. You really do need to talk about it, and maybe even have some counselling if the talking doesn't work.
In my opinion your money/my money isn't really healthy in a marriage. And the issue around you having friends of your own is very worrying - it's isolating you.

Baybay

Just a thought, but given the time of year it is, maybe that twenty was the difference between you getting the present he ordered or not...:)

Other than that, as already suggested, talk to him. He might be thinking that it's you who would prefer to keep financial dealings so seperate and he may also not realise how isolated you're feeling. Sometimes partners need to have things spelled out.

LolaDub

If he really needed the twenty euro i'm sure it wouldn't have been that hard to just ask for it? Taking it from her bank account without getting permission seems very sneaky and petty to me

unhappycamper

Unregistered wrote: »

, but at the end he says, ‘by the way I transferred that 20 euro you borrowed last week from your account, just in case you thought you were short.’ (he has access to my 365 though I don’t have access to his) now this really bugged me. it just seemed so anal.

That is 100% anal OP

metrovelvet

Sounds very controlling. Id be careful if I were you. The going into your bank account plus trying to isolate you from friends through using emotional blackmail sounds dodgy. Change your password on your account and insist on seeing your friends. Dont let him do this, believe me you will be sorry if you dont nip this in the bud.

MagicMarker

Your husband is a stingy git tbh.

It's marriage, everything is split 50/50.

What happens if he wants to go on holiday but you can't afford your share?

I'd tell him how you feel and I'd change my 365 password straight away.

littlebug

you're definitley not being overly sensitive. We have a similar set up financially- no joint a/c and he has access to my 365. i don't have access to his but that's because I've never been bothered. He has access to mine as all the big bills come out of his a/c so if he's left short and I'm flush(er) he'll transfer some over. Whether we've 2 accounts or not the money is still "ours". I've no problem with him taking money from my a/c and by the same token he has no problem if i take a 50 from his wallet for petrol and so on. However we would always tell each other.

LegacyUser

Your husband seems very controlling and manipulative. For crying out loud, how could a husband be that tight and concerned over such a little amount of money that he would transfer it from your account without your consent. It appears to me what's yours is his but what's his is his.

I'm not advocating that you leave him, but I'd advise you to sit down and demand more mutuality in the relationship before his pettiness makes you want to leave him.

helimachoptor

Frankly OP thats odd that he did that with the money.

Going out with the GF for 4.5 years moved in together after a year, at the time I was earning a considerable chunk more than her as I was doing contracting, I would sometimes just pay bills, buy shopping etc. If we went our I would have no problem paying etc.

When that contract finished I took a grad job where the money was utterly s**t and she was on about 20k more than me and the roles were reversed.

Now we earn pretty much the same but from the time we moved in we had a joint account. Pretty much all money goes into that, When she got a new car the repayments came from it, then I got a new car and the repayments came from it. If its her friends birthday and she's going on the beer and buying a present it comes from it.


I think a serious chat is needed with your husband.

Mulan

IMO . I can't fathom a relationship with what the op described. Who does the cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I just wonder??

Is a good hubby a person who doesn't drink, cheat, beat their partner.?

These traits surely don't amount to a husband of the year award.
With daughters of my own I'd encourage them to find partners that are a cut above this level of man. Not been beatup and cheated on is not a bonus in any relationship.

kmick

Change you 365 password and then forget about it. You owed him the 20 quid. Then set up a joint account to pay ALL bills from. Plus just ignore comments about going out with friends. All men are like that - they dont really care in reality but will have to make some kind of comment. You are over reacting in my book.

Mulan wrote: »

Is a good hubby a person who doesn't drink, cheat, beat their partner.?

Its a good start for most men.

ellinguistico

Are people missing the point here that the man pays the mortgage and pays for shopping? FFS give him a break. Christ!

Mulan

"All Men are like that"

Get a grip

Monkey61

You need to sort this out before it gets any worse. Your husband is horribly controlling. I can't understand the idea of being in a marriage with someone and money not being shared. I've been with my girlfriend for four years and we have never once "owed" the other one money. She pays for things, I pay for things. What each of us has belongs just as much to the other.

Him emotionally blackmailing you into not having friends is also very disturbing. You need to develop your own circle of friends away from him. Stop his insecurity now before it gets any worse or you will end up resentful and miserable.

Mulan

ellinguistico wrote: »

Are people missing the point here that the man pays the mortgage and pays for shopping? FFS give him a break. Christ!

Big deal. 2 from a least a thousand other things to be done in the workings of a good relationship/family/house etc.

That Girl..

Yea as already said you seriously need to have a chat with him..
Transferring €20 from your account to his is a bit pathetic, he should have had the decency to ask you for it if he was that stuck for it like..

You needed it for petrol, not even clothes or shoes or that were it might be a bit more understandable??

And tell him that you are entitled to have your own friends just as much as he is.. Thats seriously not on..

Overheal

ellinguistico wrote: »

Are people missing the point here that the man pays the mortgage and pays for shopping? FFS give him a break. Christ!

Yeah, but as a kid who grew up in a house plagued by financial arguments, I can see how the above situation could quickly devolve into a storm in a teacup.

OP, on the one hand if you say something, its just going to make him field weird, and more awkwardness is bound to ensue in coming weeks. But, if you dont say something, this might be bothering you for some time. Its almost a catch22.

But, there is the bigger issue that he has his fingers in your personal finances, and thats enough to put anyone on edge. Next thing you're going to tell us he asks you about purchases made through the account that are out of the norm. "Well dear, maybe if you didnt go to the hairdressers x times in the last fiscal quarter you'd have that extra 20 euro..."

mayordenis

while I think it is a little petty, I also think everyone will have a flaw here and there - if this is the ony flaw I guess it's not a huge deal - maybe slightly annoying.

If you decide to talk to him about talk to him about it in a way that makes it obvious that it's not a huge deal, that you aren't raging at him, just let him know it's something that is slightly unneccesary and that as you see it being a married couple means you both draw from the same well.

NewFrockTuesday

while I think it is a little petty, I also think everyone will have a flaw here and there - if this is the ony flaw I guess it's not a huge deal - maybe slightly annoying.

It does seem as if he is using cashflow to control you - -and I do believe its far more commonplace than we are led to believe when one partner earns more than the other - but I also think there is something to be said for the post above.

You give the impression that all is well besides this issue, so just bring it up and deal with it with him, otherwise it just sits on you like you say. Theres no point in you festering and getting angry about little matters when you know the root cause of your discomfort. I hate addressing issues and tend to avoid it like the plague and then feel put upon - but its your own fault if you dont speak up about it. Im not being harsh, Im just saying noone is a mind reader.


And go out and get some friends of your own! Its really important. Living your life around your partners universe is well and good but if anything ever happens, youve got to have your own support network in there as well.

Nice to hear youre pretty happy overall though. Nothing is perfect. But we can fix things when we put our minds to it. And you sounds like a fab wife. Your patience in even posting here before you head into the issue show that youre a thinker and not pron to hysteria and thats a really good quality to be in posession of.

Good luck

Overheal

mayordenis wrote: »

If you decide to talk to him about talk to him about it in a way that makes it obvious that it's not a huge deal, that you aren't raging at him, just let him know it's something that is slightly unneccesary and that as you see it being a married couple means you both draw from the same well.

Like I said, I lived in a house of conflict, and No Big Deal quickly becomes war. No Big Deal attitude comes off as condascending more often than not and it really undermines the entire issue. Just say it how you feel it, and everything will be fine.

ohnoigotsick

it's a bit stingy all right from your OH , but i wouldn't go making a big deal out of it , change your 365 password for starters and tell him that what he did annoyed you , and as for the friends thing , tell him what he's at - he prob knows fine well what the story is.

i have my wifes 365 details , she doesn't know hers never mind mine - but i changed her pin on her laser and credit card to the same as mine so if she ever needed money it'd be no big deal to take my cards instead of hers. all the bills come out of my account, and i'll be honest i'll more than likely never take exactly half of the bills from her - it's the way we work and so far so good

LegacyUser

In my experience, the issue of finance in marriage is immensely polarising. Indeed, (in my opinion of course), this issue is also directly related to how the parents of the man & wife managed their own finances and how those individuals were brought up in relation to financial matters.
I have many married friends whose marital finances often read like a balance sheet, often with the wife of the partnership living in suffrance because the husband does not, or is unwilling to share any more of HIS money than is neccesary.
I personally cannot understand relationships where finance is not shared. To me, the basic premise of marriage is in two becoming one and it is this unity that cements the bond.

The "My Money Your Money" issue, to me simply indicates unwillingness to commit 100% to the marriage, whether this is motivated out trust, greed, or control issues, the nett result is the same.

Of course the final point here is the 'what-if' of having children and wife not being able to work ?

I've often seen it turn into a near slave-labour situation with the wife begging for little extra money for herself...

I'm still amazed however, at how many couples I encounter who do have this arrangement though. But maybe, those who share everything are the ones in the minority?

littlebug

Thinking about it again I think communication really is the key here. I may be that your husband just hasn't realised how much of an issue this is. My parents, together 47 years each have their own money and borrow and pay each other back when they need to. It's just the way they function.
Maybe you could suggest that you each have your own accounts but a certain amount from each person goes into a joint account every month that you both have access to. Or the other way round.

Kernel32

I am a married man myself 10 years now. When we first got married my wife worked outside the home and very early on we got a joint account and had both our paychecks directed to it. We also got joint credit cards and all bills etc. With the joint account we just paid the bills, used the credit card as needed and paid it off without any real concern about who's money pays for what. It's our money as a married couple. I have actually been surprised down through the years to find out that most couples don't do that, it simplifies everything.

andrewh5

Kernel32 wrote: »

I am a married man myself 10 years now. When we first got married my wife worked outside the home and very early on we got a joint account and had both our paychecks directed to it. We also got joint credit cards and all bills etc. With the joint account we just paid the bills, used the credit card as needed and paid it off without any real concern about who's money pays for what. It's our money as a married couple. I have actually been surprised down through the years to find out that most couples don't do that, it simplifies everything.

Until the day comes when (if) you split up - then it is a total nightmare!

Aloysius Flyte

Maybe the op isn't good with money, given all she has to pay is the esb+gas, which is far less than what her hubby is paying and she runs out of money more than he does and her hubby is trying to make her more responsible with her money. Times are getting tough and maybe he feels she needs to budget more.

But then i see he doesn't like her having outside friends. Clearly he likes to be needed and is somewhat controlling, so what the op should do is let him know that she needs him but also needs friends outside their social circle. Remember the delivery is just as important as the content sometimes, so phrase it in a way that re-assures him.

Kernel32

andrewh5 wrote: »

Until the day comes when (if) you split up - then it is a total nightmare!

It's attitudes like that that really irk me. The very same attitude came up with many people in a thread related to a man getting a vasectomy.

Here is my approach to this. If your committed to a relationship with someone, married or otherwise then you cannot take into account a possible split in the future when you and your partner are making joint decisions. If you do then your decision is influenced by an ulterior motive that is outside the context of the relationship. As an example, married with kids but won't have a vasectomy because you might split up and your new partner might want kids. So now your new imaginary partner is more important than your current partner. Same with finances. If you don't want to do joint finances because you are trying to account for a split down the road then you are not doing your relationship justice because your saying you as a single person in some imaginary future is more important than the current relationsip. If you have reasons that are not related to some imaginary future situtation then ok talk about that. That's just my opinion for what it's worth.

wasper

Kernel32 wrote: »

I am a married man myself 10 years now. When we first got married my wife worked outside the home and very early on we got a joint account and had both our paychecks directed to it. We also got joint credit cards and all bills etc. With the joint account we just paid the bills, used the credit card as needed and paid it off without any real concern about who's money pays for what. It's our money as a married couple. I have actually been surprised down through the years to find out that most couples don't do that, it simplifies everything.

Yes I found out from other couples that they split the bill 50/50. Myself & the wife are together 23 years. At the time she earned 3 times my wages. From day one we had a small box were we put the money. Never counted it, then we progressed to having a bank account in wife's name. When we went for a mortgage we had to have a joint account. She still have a credit card in her name. But we never question each other about the money.
The OP has every right to be angry about the €20. Your OH attitude is ridiculous.

TripleAce

OP you should be grateful that you didn't get charged interest!!! Say the truth you were trying to trick him and get away with those 20€....fair play to him

Also get a better job, earn more money and split the mortgage, and pay him back the extra money he paid in since you bought the house. Use the rest for a money-management class.

As for the outside friends, well you are right there - he shouldn't prevent you from having your own friends.

LegacyUser

i'm the op............i know he is a good provider, we are financially ok, he has a lot of savings, he's good with that kind of thing, whereas i'm terrible with money, i have a credit card which i'm always behind with and i do go a bit mad with clothes for my son and getting my hair done which he can't fathom. i'll lie to him and say it cost half the price it did. i do all the cooking, cleaning etc but i don't mind that cause i'm a clean freak. it does bother me a bit though, for instance the reason i wrote this thread was because yesterday i came home from work after collecting child from childminder, (its close to work) and he was on a half day (had to take his mam to doc app) so he was in the kitchen when i went in, sitting at the table reading the paper, dishwasher full, breakfast dishes in the sink, and he says 'whats for tea'. i had a really **** day at work, was freezing cold, child was cranky and i had this image of him sitting there for two hours, starving, and not have the thought to say' sure i'll start the dinner'. now he's always done this but as i said everything is magnified now.

he has a very close relationship with his mother which i don't mind but he insists on me being more involved than i would like. i acknowledge that he definitely wears the trousers in the relationship but thats because i'm fairly easy going usually, i not confrontational. we never row. we 're a lot like brother and sister really, he's my best friend, he's very funny and i can usually tell him everything but not about him. about the 365, i couldn't change the password, it would cause a row and it hasn't been an issue until now. he just always had access to that and my email cause when i was pregnant i had no access to pc and he would check if i had mail. if i changed my password he would be uber paranoid i was hiding something from him.

he's not a bastard, although i admit he is a bit controlling but in an organised way, he's just very good with all the things i'm not, he pays his bills the second he gets them, he plans our weekends with precision, he even planned our sons conception. (i wanted to get pregnant as soon as we married but he said no we'll start trying on x date)
that sounds really off i know but he just is that organised about things so i don't think it's in any way malicious on his part. i don't know what i think anymore but i do want to have some outside source that i can talk to. i'm not close to my family as they don't like him (they don't dislike him they just think he's too straight) so i can't tell them my perfect marriage is slightly less perfect than they think.

Irlbo

Marriage is about love and selfish devotion,money is no issue,if someone is mean enough to rob 20 euro from your bank account to his,you get problems

TripleAce

Unregistered wrote: »

i'm the op............i know he is a good provider, we are financially ok, he has a lot of savings, he's good with that kind of thing, whereas i'm terrible with money, i have a credit card which i'm always behind with and i do go a bit mad with clothes for my son and getting my hair done which he can't fathom. i'll lie to him and say it cost half the price it did. i do all the cooking, cleaning etc but i don't mind that cause i'm a clean freak. it does bother me a bit though, for instance the reason i wrote this thread was because yesterday i came home from work after collecting child from childminder, (its close to work) and he was on a half day (had to take his mam to doc app) so he was in the kitchen when i went in, sitting at the table reading the paper, dishwasher full, breakfast dishes in the sink, and he says 'whats for tea'. i had a really **** day at work, was freezing cold, child was cranky and i had this image of him sitting there for two hours, starving, and not have the thought to say' sure i'll start the dinner'. now he's always done this but as i said everything is magnified now.

he has a very close relationship with his mother which i don't mind but he insists on me being more involved than i would like. i acknowledge that he definitely wears the trousers in the relationship but thats because i'm fairly easy going usually, i not confrontational. we never row. we 're a lot like brother and sister really, he's my best friend, he's very funny and i can usually tell him everything but not about him. about the 365, i couldn't change the password, it would cause a row and it hasn't been an issue until now. he just always had access to that and my email cause when i was pregnant i had no access to pc and he would check if i had mail. if i changed my password he would be uber paranoid i was hiding something from him.

he's not a bastard, although i admit he is a bit controlling but in an organised way, he's just very good with all the things i'm not, he pays his bills the second he gets them, he plans our weekends with precision, he even planned our sons conception. (i wanted to get pregnant as soon as we married but he said no we'll start trying on x date)
that sounds really off i know but he just is that organised about things so i don't think it's in any way malicious on his part. i don't know what i think anymore but i do want to have some outside source that i can talk to. i'm not close to my family as they don't like him (they don't dislike him they just think he's too straight) so i can't tell them my perfect marriage is slightly less perfect than they think.

Men also have responsibility around the house. Primarily to ensure that the sofa is always kept warm.

If he wasn't so responsible with money you would probably be posting here that you are broke and full of debts....I guess you got the best of two possible bad situations

LolaDub

So op your husband is good with finances and you're good with cleaning? You contribute to finances and he doesn't contribute to cleaning at all? That doesn't seem fair to me.

I'm getting the image of the supermarket manager from intermission tbh. Your husband sounds like he views himself as the manager of his life and yours. He questions your finances and has access to them, you do all the domestic work for him, you have to be more involved in his family than you are comfortable with, you're not allowed to have your own friends only his friends or their partners, he schedules everything including conceiving a child??

This sounds way way over the top to me, i think you need to sit down and have a chat with him, this comes across as very controlling and i'd say this is just the start of resentment building

Nevyn

It seems that you have an unfair division of money and labour in your household.
You need to address this with him, you should not be afriad of doing so.
Personally I would change your passwords, he may have had reason once to have
access but now he does not. Again you should not be afaird of doing so.

The fact that you are man you know things are not as they should be in your marriage
and your frustation levels are rising. Deal with it soon for all your sakes.

TripleAce

Yes maybe you should ask your husband to contribute 50-50 around the house with the cleaning and in exchange you split 50-50 the mortgage and shopping? That would be fair enough.......

LegacyUser

TripleAce wrote: »

Yes maybe you should ask your husband to contribute 50-50 around the house with the cleaning and in exchange you split 50-50 the mortgage and shopping? That would be fair enough.......

This sounds fair.

LegacyUser

TripleAce wrote: »

OP you should be grateful that you didn't get charged interest!!! Say the truth you were trying to trick him and get away with those 20€....fair play to him

Also get a better job, earn more money and split the mortgage, and pay him back the extra money he paid in since you bought the house. Use the rest for a money-management class.

i don't deny for a second he puts more in financially than i do but the 20 euro thing just came across so 'mean' . it seemed petty. if i were out with him somewhere and we were paying for something i wouldn't consciously wait for him to pay it, i would just do so. i wouldn;t be thinking oh 'he owes me x amount of money for that lunch we had' . likewise if i were out with his mother i wouldn;t hear of her paying for lunch but i wouldn;t go back to him and say, i bought your ma lunch yesterday, you owe me 24.50. i buy all my sons clothes because i usually put it one my credit card. he will cook for our son, clean up after him but not for himself or me, and i didn't even notice this until all this happened.

Nevyn

The unpaid labour of keeping the house should be taken in account as you contributing to the house hold, you need to address this.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If your bank account had a load of money taken out of it they will ask you "did you disclose your pin to anyone"

Then when they hear your story they'll not be refunding you. Not saying your husband will steal from you, but having two peopel with acces doubles the chances of fraud occurring by a third party. Change pin now.

Mulan

Well put.

Brian Goggin

OP whats the sex life like

Mulan

last post was a blip on my part.

This story is starting to sound like a fabrication. I've noticed this on a few threads on boards just to keep us sucked in. Otherwise Its a sad place to be in where that lady is.
Thats all from me.

Peewee_lane

Mulan wrote: »

last post was a blip on my part.

This story is starting to sound like a fabrication. I've noticed this on a few threads on boards just to keep us sucked in. Otherwise Its a sad place to be in where that lady is.
Thats all from me.

Ive experienced men like this though, I think OP doesnt want to be petty by saying something, but is actually irritated by its pettiness.

Nevyn

Mulan if you hve an issue with a thread or have a suspiscion use the report funtion please
rather then making off topic and unehelp comments.

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Mulan

Didn't know that.
Having a great day thanks

Pete67

Heres a suggestion - open a joint account, arrange to have all income paid into this account. All household, cars, kids, childcare, joint nights out and holiday expenses come out of the joint account. Keep your individual bank accounts and set up a standing order to pay a monthly allowance to each of you from the joint account. Obviously the amount should be the same for each of you. Clothes, hair, makeup, hobbies, presents for friends or each other etc etc come out your own money.

Marriage should be an equal partnership - seem like the balance has slipped a bit in your case?