Husband went with hookers

LegacyUser

I need advice.On my wedding day on the altar my wonderful husband to be told me we needed to talk when we were taking our vows.We had nearly 300 people at our wedding and i was mortified and terrified.We whispered together and he couldnt get out what he wanted to tell me,so i asked do you love me,do you want to marry me?He said yes and i said thats all that matters anything else we'll work through and we got married.There were a lot of whispers about what was going on,it was so embarrasing.Afterwards he told me he had been cheating with hookers!I cant believe he didnt try harder to tell me and let it go so late that we were on the altar.I love this man and trusted him with all my heart but i cant get over this.Not only did he cheat on me,he paid for sex and hes the type of man that goes with hookers!

I asked him when did it last happen and he said the night before our wedding!He says hes done it probably over 50 times all through our relationship and since before we got together.I told him i assumed it was going to stop and he said he didnt think he could so he couldnt promise it!We talked and talked about why he liked it and he said hes not sure but it gets him going like nothing else,even me and when hes with me hes wishing hes with them-he doesnt even go to the same hooker twice!He says this shows how he doesnt want an emotional relationship with any of them and this should flatter me.So hes asked me to role play and pretend im a hooker for him including meeting him at a hotel room accepting cash and letting him have carte blanch on my body and for him to call me a whore,this sickens me to the stomach but its this or he continues to go with hookers?I love my husband-what should i do

midlandsmissus

Dear Distraught,
Listen to me please - GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

Let me get this right:

1) This man has cheated on you throughout your entire relationship
2) He cheated on you the NIGHT BEFORE YOUR WEDDING
3) He has said to you he wishes he was with prostitutes when he was with you and
4) Not only has he said he won't give them up, he wants you to act like a prostitute!

What are you still doing with this man? This is not normal behaviour and you do not have to put up with this. There are much nicer men than this. I cant believe you're still with this ignorant pig. Please show a bit of self respect and show him the door.

Is it about losing face. Because you just got married? I wouldnt let this bother me. I know, say if my friend got married, and then she told me her husband had been visiting prostitutes, I would totally understand her leaving him. And i know HE would be the one who would be socially ostracised.

Breaking up a marriage is not the end of your life, it happens to lots of people and they have a much better life for it, settle for a man who treats you well. Please please dont stay with this man.

midlandsmissus

He says this shows how he doesnt want an emotional relationship with any of them and this should flatter me

I just read that bit again. Oh my god I cant believe the CHEEK of that man. "You should be happy that he's with lots of different prostitutes". What a scumbag.

anonymous_joe

From the sounds of it, your man has something of a fixation with prostitutes.

If you love the guy, and he loves you, then I'd suggest some kind of counselling. I can't see his needs leading to a healthy sex life for the two of you.

MagicMarker

That's quite the story, fact or fiction?

Either way, you'd be an idiot to even contemplate staying with him.

Get yourself tested for STI/D's ASAP.

nacho libre

"So hes asked me to role play and pretend im a hooker for him including meeting him at a hotel room accepting cash and letting him have carte blanch on my body and for him to call me a whore,this sickens me to the stomach but its this or he continues to go with hookers?"

he is being perfectly resonable and considerate, so you really have no choice, you must roleplay for him or else he'll probably leave you. This man obviously loves you deeply and has great respect for you. If you don't do it you'll regret it in years to come.

otwb

nacho libre wrote: »

"So hes asked me to role play and pretend im a hooker for him including meeting him at a hotel room accepting cash and letting him have carte blanch on my body and for him to call me a whore,this sickens me to the stomach but its this or he continues to go with hookers?"

he is being perfectly resonable and considerate, so you really have no choice, you must roleplay for him or else he'll probably leave you. This man obviously loves you deeply and has great respect for you. If you don't do it you'll regret it in years to come.

The above has got to be a joke. If its not, then ignore it. If you want to stay with your husband (note I didn't say if you love your husband - you obviously do) then get him to relationship counselling (?sp) asap.

Its not ok for hime to be doing this to you.

GAAman

nacho libre wrote: »

he is being perfectly resonable and considerate, so you really have no choice, you must roleplay for him or else he'll probably leave you. This man obviously loves you deeply and has great respect for you. If you don't do it you'll regret it in years to come.

otwb wrote: »

The above has got to be a joke. If its not, then ignore it. If you want to stay with your husband (note I didn't say if you love your husband - you obviously do) then get him to relationship counselling (?sp) asap.

Its not ok for hime to be doing this to you.

I think nacho has a point but could have worded it better. What your husband is doing op is including you in his fantasy to perhaps quell the need/desire to see the prostitutes. Alot of couples role play to small or large degrees but for it to work properly both parties have to be a part of it

In short if you feel degraded or humiliated with this playing then you need to stop it and he may need some form of counselling to help with this

I really hope you sort it all out

Firetrap

:eek:

You're selling yourself short by staying with this man. Not only has he cheated on you many many times with hookers but he's also putting you at risk of an STI. He's also putting his own reputation at risk - imagine if he got arrested for soliciting sex?

It wasn't fair what he did to you, putting you on the spot on the altar like he did. That was very cunning indeed. It makes me wonder if he truly loves you back?

Of course, if you love him, it's going to be very hard to walk away but I don't think most people would like to have to share their life with someone who pays for sex with other people. Most people buy into marriage as a monogamous relationship.

LolaLuv

I'd join the get out now chorus, but are you considering giving it a go? Is it possible he has a sex addiction or something? I don't know if they have the equivalent of an annulment in Ireland, but that's what I'd be signing up for.

How humiliating. I feel awful for you. Chin up.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If he had sex with a non-prostiute but a was just multiple one night stands with different women without emotion would you still be with him?

He's a devious guy. He can say he tried to tell you before you got married but you were in a position where your fear of mortification made you get married.

Get some smears done, you have every cervical cancer virus going.

nacho libre

nacho libre wrote: »

"So hes asked me to role play and pretend im a hooker for him including meeting him at a hotel room accepting cash and letting him have carte blanch on my body and for him to call me a whore,this sickens me to the stomach but its this or he continues to go with hookers?"

he is being perfectly resonable and considerate, so you really have no choice, you must roleplay for him or else he'll probably leave you. This man obviously loves you deeply and has great respect for you. If you don't do it you'll regret it in years to come.

Thats one of the better examples of sarcasm that I've read on here
Basically it says Dump that guy-you deserve better.
I agree.

metrovelvet

He has a serious madonna/whore complex. Im sure it can be resolved in therapy. Will take a while.

Can you forgive him for what he has done if he changes?

Ann22

It sounds like he has an addiction so it's unlikely he'll be able to abstain for the rest of your lives without some kind of therapy. You don't need to risk your health by picking something up off him. I really hope you can find the strength to leave him. Don't leave it 'til you have children before you do split up. Keeping your sex life spiced up then will get more difficult and you really don't want to see them getting their little hearts broken too. Best of luck to you, I really hope it works out for the best.

jeanie77

Dear Distraught
I also agree you need to leave this man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You will ruin you life if you stay with somebody like him, your real friends and family will understand and anybody that would mock you or be mean to you are not worth knowing, and i know its hard to be alone but no relationship is worth that stress and pain, I feel so bad for you as this is a nightmare for you, but imagine if you had children even sons what kind of role model would he be to them oh daddy sleeps with hookers so should I thats not normal,

Besides that the things he has asked you to do in bed, that not LOVE thats abuse
he has no respect for you or women and he is not much of a man thats why he sleeps with hookers he doesnt deserve you or you understanding, you should pack your bags and never look back, be strong please let me know what you think?

Annie Bananie

Im afraid my post wont be helpful, cause Im in shock really and all I think is: "NO NO NO, just leave him, NOW!" :eek:

cantdecide

OMG, don't break up with him over the cheating.


Break up with him because he's a total narcissist. It would be almost impossible to have a meaningful realtionship with such a character, IMO.

Stercus Accidit

All the puritans respond eh?

Look, humans are not naturally monogamous, thats a bloody moral ideal pressed on people and is not the natural way of things.

A guy will naturally want to mate with many females, its is a natural evolutionary trait, and is prevalent in men.
We may be more civilised now but we are still animals, with urges.

Even when a guy loves a woman, those urges are still there, often, and this is the case with alot of people I know, a man with a woman he loves very much, and who may be great looking etc. and perfect for him, he will still want to stray, even if its an uglier, stupider girl, or hooker.

Its an odd trait most red blooded males have, the desire for more regardless of what you have now.

This guy gave in to those urges with hookers.


Don't listen to a word of this morally dogmatic shite, go to counciling, the internet is not the natural home of social or relationship success or advise.

Take the situation with mens urges in mind, if he confessed, then he is one step above the men who do this anyway, for years, without saying.

Get councilling, and talk to him, and leave the assumptions of marital bliss at the door. I'm not saying its ok, I'm saying get proper professional advice, not this online nonsense.

Sephiroth_dude

Get a divorce,seriously you dont have to put up with this kinda bull****.

FunkZ

Leave the relationship, I'm sure it'll be hard to do but you'll be happier in the long term I'm sure. And get checked for STDs.

Macha

Stercus Accidit wrote: »

All the puritans respond eh?

Look, humans are not naturally monogamous, thats a bloody moral ideal pressed on people and is not the natural way of things.

A guy will naturally want to mate with many females, its is a natural evolutionary trait, and is prevalent in men.
We may be more civilised now but we are still animals, with urges.

Even when a guy loves a woman, those urges are still there, often, and this is the case with alot of people I know, a man with a woman he loves very much, and who may be great looking etc. and perfect for him, he will still want to stray, even if its an uglier, stupider girl, or hooker.

Its an odd trait most red blooded males have, the desire for more regardless of what you have now.

This guy gave in to those urges with hookers.


Don't listen to a word of this morally dogmatic shite, go to counciling, the internet is not the natural home of social or relationship success or advise.

Take the situation with mens urges in mind, if he confessed, then he is one step above the men who do this anyway, for years, without saying.

Get councilling, and talk to him, and leave the assumptions of marital bliss at the door. I'm not saying its ok, I'm saying get proper professional advice, not this online nonsense.

A man cheats on his wife with prostitutes over 50 times and any who protest are puritans?? What a joke.

You state that monogamy is not natural for humans but reserve the urge to be with other people for the man. Women are tempted too - it just isn't as socially accepted for women to cheat. I'm sure the OP wasn't blind to a good-looking man when she saw one but wonder of wonders, she managed to contain herself.

"Mens' urges, mens' urges" I think I'm going to puke if I hear about them one more time.

OP, I would be worried for quite a few reasons:

1) He only seems to be able to enjoy sex that is demeaning to the woman involved. (This would suggest issues with control/responsibility).
2) He cheated on you over and over again, and only managed to locate his balls when standing at the altar.
3) He put your life/health at risk by sleeping with prostitutes
4) Even after he has told you, he can't guarantee that it won't happen again.

Why are you even considering staying with him!?!!

MagicMarker

Stercus Accidit wrote: »

All the puritans respond eh?

Look, humans are not naturally monogamous, thats a bloody moral ideal pressed on people and is not the natural way of things.

Neither is wearing clothes, driving cars or living in houses, it's called evolution.

Stercus Accidit wrote: »

A guy will naturally want to mate with many females, its is a natural evolutionary trait, and is prevalent in men.
We may be more civilised now but we are still animals, with urges.

We also have self control. For instance, if I have the urge to cheat on my girlfriend with 40 hookers, I'll most likely say no and deal with these urges in an adult and responsible manor, like rethinking my position in the relationship and acting accordingly.

Stercus Accidit wrote: »

Even when a guy loves a woman, those urges are still there, often, and this is the case with alot of people I know, a man with a woman he loves very much, and who may be great looking etc. and perfect for him, he will still want to stray, even if its an uglier, stupider girl, or hooker.

Its an odd trait most red blooded males have, the desire for more regardless of what you have now.

Are you speaking for all men here? Or just for yourself? Because you're certainly not speaking for me. Please refrain from projecting your own non existent moral standards onto the rest of mankind, thanks.

Stercus Accidit wrote: »

This guy gave in to those urges with hookers.

Don't listen to a word of this morally dogmatic shite, go to counciling, the internet is not the natural home of social or relationship success or advise.

Take the situation with mens urges in mind, if he confessed, then he is one step above the men who do this anyway, for years, without saying.

Get councilling, and talk to him, and leave the assumptions of marital bliss at the door. I'm not saying its ok, I'm saying get proper professional advice, not this online nonsense.

Oh yeah, he waits until after he's married to confess to cheating with multiple hookers, top man! Quite the catch I must say.:rolleyes:

He may be one step above those who do this for many years saying nothing, but he's a few million steps below an honest, faithful, loving man who treats his partner with respect and dignity, of which the OP should expect nothing less.

LegacyUser

nacho libre wrote: »

"So hes asked me to role play and pretend im a hooker for him including meeting him at a hotel room accepting cash and letting him have carte blanch on my body and for him to call me a whore,this sickens me to the stomach but its this or he continues to go with hookers?"

he is being perfectly resonable and considerate, so you really have no choice, you must roleplay for him or else he'll probably leave you. This man obviously loves you deeply and has great respect for you. If you don't do it you'll regret it in years to come.

I have to agree with Mr Nacho Libre here. You should count yourself lucky that he told you at all. He could have just kept having sex with the hookers and said nothing. Obviously if he told you about it, it means he must really love you. But there's no escaping the fact that he wishes you were a hooker. So if you're not into it its probably best if you cut your losses now. Otherwise get yourself into Pennys, they have a really reasonably priced hooker style underwear section that would be perfect for his hotel room hooker fantasies.

LegacyUser

apart from anything else he has done it was really low to tell you just as you were getting married

jhegarty

Leave now.

Get yourself to a doctor for tests first thing Monday.

Stercus Accidit

My response was no measure of my own moral standards.

Don't expect a long drawn out multi quote of your statements in retort as I haven't the time, energy or motivation.


This bloke is the womans husband. - Seek professional councilling.


Or listen to the rabbling masses on the internet calling to "dump" him.

Thats what a seperation is called now, or divorce proceedings? Why not "kick him to the curb girlfriend".


The guy is cheating frequently, hookers or not changes nothing.

They didnt get married for the craic, its a marriage, my point is that your opinion on here is worthless to her, as are the rest of the posts here, as are mine.

The OP should seek a professional to go through this with her husband, whatever happens afterwards, that is the first step, not "rabble rabble rabble".

MagicMarker

Stercus Accidit wrote: »

My response was no measure of my own moral standards.

Don't expect a long drawn out multi quote of your statements in retort as I haven't the time, energy or motivation.


This bloke is the womans husband. - Seek professional councilling.


Or listen to the rabbling masses on the internet calling to "dump" him.

Thats what a seperation is called now, or divorce proceedings? Why not "kick him to the curb girlfriend".


The guy is cheating frequently, hookers or not changes nothing.

They didnt get married for the craic, its a marriage, my point is that your opinion on here is worthless to her, as are the rest of the posts here, as are mine.

The OP should seek a professional to go through this with her husband, whatever happens afterwards, that is the first step, not "rabble rabble rabble".

Actually, you're wrong.

The first step is not counseling, counseling is when you have doubts in the relationship, lack of intimacy, maybe a drunken one night stand or the 'spark' has gone. This is way WAY beyond any of that.

Stercus Accidit

MagicMarker wrote: »

Actually, you're wrong.

The first step is not counseling, counseling is when you have doubts in the relationship, lack of intimacy, maybe a drunken one night stand or the 'spark' has gone. This is way WAY beyond any of that.

I would disagree.

By the sounds of it, id say the guy has some serious psycological problem or addiction, my point being rather than being a total c*nt, he is unable to control himself, my earlier points about urges not being excuses on his behalf, but rather a possible cause.

50 instances with prostitutes while engaged is not normal, to the extent that it is some sort of deep psycological problem, his guilt and confession may be further sign of this, some sort of lack of control of himself.


While it it entirely likely this will end the relationship, tbh I'd place my bets on that outcome too, the fact its so fcuking weird and that its likely a psychological issue for him, would make me recommend councilling rather than a total break in communication and moving on, an unlikely scenario anyway given that the OP is asking for advice.
If it were so easy to dump him instantly, the OP confronted with this would have done so immediately! Do you not think that would be her first reaction?

If they are going to end this very close relationship and all the baggage and psycological ties involved, getting proper councilling will give better advice, including facilitating a breakup, than the OP will get here.

I cant imagine that the OP will get through this without councilling, if even a single visit and alone, to put things in perspective and help her move on.


I'm just recommending going down that route asap, and save a whole load of confusion.

The Sweeper

First, ask him for the whole truth. Not details - you don't want to hear those, just the entire truth, so that if it's actaully 200 hookers over 10 years including that night he didn't show for your birthday and so on, you have the full story.

Next, ask him for an estimate of how much money he spends on this hobby. If you stay together and it takes him a while to get out of this habit, that's a serious chunk of recession-times home budget to be spending on extra-curricular sex.

Now you have the information and the cost.

Now ask him to leave your home and go and stay with somebody else. You cannot possibly get your head around this type of bombshell while you're looking at him every day.

Next, book yourself in for a complete sexual health check.

Once the results of that come back, ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor. You need to go to counselling because there is no point torturing yourself and your husband by trying to make him seek help, make a change and turn his life around if, when he's done all of that, you realise that you'll simply never be able to forgive him. That just wastes his time and yours and will hurt you more in the long run.

Before you proceed, you need to figure out if he's worth this mess, if you love him enough to want him to stay with you, and whether or not your own sense of self can stand the bombshell that is the fact that your husband prefers to pay anonymous women for sex.

If you can get over this, if you think you can get past it, if you believe it won't murder you daily in your inner thoughts, if you can truly accept this as his problem and NOT something that is wrong with you, and if after all that, you would rather have him in your life than not, THEN you think about either saving it or ending it.

Finally, if you end it, I would definitely look at the annullment route rather than divorce, if it's at all possible.

laura l

i think this sounds made up.

however, if it happens to be true, i wouldn't be communicating with this man without evidence of a clear sti test.

i can't believe you're even considering staying with this guy!

craiginireland

Get out, Get an STD test and stay out.
God knows what else he's got lurking in his backround

marti101

I think its alright for people to say get out but in your heart you made a commitment thats why this is so hard for you.I think you need to get away for a while just even a weekend,just go somewhere on your own and try and clear your head.I think when you are not looking at him everyday something insidr might click and you might realise you are worth more than this.But you really need to get yourself checked out you need this to clear your mind and help you make a decision.Look for a counciller even just for you an i wish you all the best with what you decide.

LegacyUser

i dont know what to think,when i posted i didnt feel i could tell anyone.its the most embarrassing thing i think you could ever tell anyone about your new marriage.last night his best friend also his best man came over,they were supposed to go out.he wasnt home yet and i dont know where he was.when his friend asked where he was i said bitterly prob with the hookers then pretended it was a joke but he asked me was i ok-he knew about it all along!he says it was him who convinced my husband to tell me and thinks hes the good guy,but says he couldnt tell me out of loyalty!i feel so betrayed.ive hardly seen my husband.his company have warned him that there will be no salary increases and no bonuses in the company this year.our wedding was expensive,and we bought our home so i feel that he is only trying to get me to fulfill his fantasy because he cant afford to anymore.i feel being in a marriage we should work it out but im not sure he even wants to.he keeps avoiding talking and wont touch me at all.i want us to go for an std test together but when i said it to him he just left the house.i love him and dont want to leave but he seems to think hes not in the wrong and doesnt have to even converse with me anymore.he was with prostitutes all threw our relationship and before.he said its totally seperate from our relationship its just his hobby but i cant understand this.i dont know what to do.should i write to him?or just tell him to leave unless we talk or what?help

Pub07

Stercus Accidit wrote: »

I would disagree.

By the sounds of it, id say the guy has some serious psycological problem or addiction, my point being rather than being a total c*nt, he is unable to control himself, my earlier points about urges not being excuses on his behalf, but rather a possible cause.

50 instances with prostitutes while engaged is not normal, to the extent that it is some sort of deep psycological problem, his guilt and confession may be further sign of this, some sort of lack of control of himself.


While it it entirely likely this will end the relationship, tbh I'd place my bets on that outcome too, the fact its so fcuking weird and that its likely a psychological issue for him, would make me recommend councilling rather than a total break in communication and moving on, an unlikely scenario anyway given that the OP is asking for advice.
If it were so easy to dump him instantly, the OP confronted with this would have done so immediately! Do you not think that would be her first reaction?

If they are going to end this very close relationship and all the baggage and psycological ties involved, getting proper councilling will give better advice, including facilitating a breakup, than the OP will get here.

I cant imagine that the OP will get through this without councilling, if even a single visit and alone, to put things in perspective and help her move on.


I'm just recommending going down that route asap, and save a whole load of confusion.

Councilling me bollix, the op doesn't need to pay someone to tell her what is blindingly obvious - her husband is a total scumbag and has completely undermined their relationship. I don't buy the "serious psycological problem or addiction" excuse, he is a pure bastard plain and simple. It's called personal responsibility, you can't just go and excuse this deviant behaviour by saying he has a 'pschological problerm'. If he had beat his wife up every other weekend for the last year would you say that beating your partner regularly "while engaged is not normal, to the extent that it is some sort of deep psycological problem" and recommend that they get councilling? I think any rational person would say the only course of action is to leave him as it is with this case.

Having sex with 50 whores behind your partners back is not something you can work through or is even worth trying to work through, dump this twat op.

pow wow

minxie1976 wrote: »

I have to agree with Mr Nacho Libre here. You should count yourself lucky that he told you at all. He could have just kept having sex with the hookers and said nothing. Obviously if he told you about it, it means he must really love you. But there's no escaping the fact that he wishes you were a hooker. So if you're not into it its probably best if you cut your losses now. Otherwise get yourself into Pennys, they have a really reasonably priced hooker style underwear section that would be perfect for his hotel room hooker fantasies.

He told her to offload his own guilt, love didn't come into it.

Stercus Accidit

Pub07 wrote: »

If he had beat his wife up every other weekend for the last year would you say that beating your partner regularly "while engaged is not normal, to the extent that it is some sort of deep psycological problem" and recommend that they get councilling?

A weak argument is often given away by such conjecture.

You tell me where I said beating someone is ok.


Hurting someone physically is totally different to hurting someone emotionally, that's why one is a crime, and the other isn't.

Now you give one good god damn reason why the OP shouldn't seek councilling herself, I'm advising professional help, regardless of the moral outrage being idly vented on the internet by anonymous posters.

Toots

OP, sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure it's the last thing you expected to hear from him on your wedding day.

Firstly, don't give in to his fantasies. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then don't. End of.

Secondly, get yourself tested for STIs and insist he does so too. Do not sleep with him unless he comes back clean (providing he hasn't been with any more hookers in the mean time.)

Thridly, get yourself some counselling and ask him to attend couples counselling with him, see if there's a chance that he'll change and whether or not your relationship can be salvaged. If he's unwilling to talk, unfortunately you may already have your answer.

If after counselling you feel that you can no longer remain in your marriage, then you need to leave (or ask him to leave, after all it's him with the problem). If you got married in a church, in this circumstance, I think you'd have good grounds to seek an annulment. Hopefully it won't come to that, but his behaviour following his revelation that he'd been sleeping with prostitutes, and the fact that his friend had to convince him to tell you, doesn't inspire much confidence.

Firetrap

OP, what you've posted on this page is worrying. Rather than him telling you what he was doing off his own bat, it seems that his best mate convinced him to do it.

Unless he agrees to stop using hookers (and he's not being helpful at all in that regard), you're always going to wonder is he with them when he's not at home.

Put out of your mind the embarrassment factor (it is NOT your fault that he's paying for sex. He's the one who looks bad, not you) and the financial end of it (wedding/house) and ask yourself, do you want to stay married to him? Especially if he refuses to communicate with you and apparently is unwilling to stop using hookers.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to see a counsellor. Even if you can't convince him to go, you sound like you need to talk to someone. If your hubby continues to be uncooperative, you'll need to ask yourself some hard questions.

Tim Robbins

distraught wrote: »

He says this shows how he doesnt want an emotional relationship with any of them and this should flatter me.So hes asked me to role play and pretend im a hooker for him including meeting him at a hotel room accepting cash and letting him have carte blanch on my body and for him to call me a whore,this sickens me to the stomach but its this or he continues to go with hookers?I love my husband-what should i do

He sounds like one serious Sex Addict and needs serious help. It's not for other people to tell you to leave a relationship. But should go for relationship councilling before you make a huge decision either way.

Do you spend much time together as a couple? If he had sex 50 times behind your back, does this mean he was going out a lot without you?

It sounds a bit strange, if I may say so.

RGDATA!

laura l wrote: »

i think this sounds made up.

i can't square this guy's behaviour with wanting to confess to you at the altar, during your vows, in front of 300 guests. doesn't ring true to me either. just saying.

F.A.

First of all, he is not one bit better than someone cheating without their other half knowing. He basically led you on. He more or less admitted that something was wrong at the very last minute, but did not give the OP a clue to the actual extent as he knew full well that she would most likely not have married him. That is the act of a complete and utter coward. Had he admitted to it before the marriage, I might have been inclined to suggest councelling or therapy. This way, however, the marriage is based on an act of selfish cowardice and betrayal.

What is even more disturbing is this:

distraught wrote: »

He says this shows how he doesnt want an emotional relationship with any of them and this should flatter me.

So he claims to at least love you? And proceeds to express his feelings in the following way:

So hes asked me to role play and pretend im a hooker for him including meeting him at a hotel room accepting cash and letting him have carte blanch on my body and for him to call me a whore,this sickens me to the stomach but its this or he continues to go with hookers?

So what, he wishes to be allowed to do whatever he likes, even without your consent and against your will if so he pleases?? And if you don't agree, he will continue with what he terms his "hobby"?

OP, go to a doctor, get out of this "marriage", and look for councelling for yourself. This is way too disturbing to be left alone with. I know you say you love him, but please ask yourself if you honestly consider his acts those of a man who loves you. You deserve sooo much better.

petethebrick

I call BS - TROLL!

Silverfish

petethebrick wrote: »

I call BS - TROLL!

Three day ban, read the charter.

estar

Stercus Accidit wrote: »

All the puritans respond eh?

Look, humans are not naturally monogamous, thats a bloody moral ideal pressed on people and is not the natural way of things.

A guy will naturally want to mate with many females, its is a natural evolutionary trait, and is prevalent in men.
We may be more civilised now but we are still animals, with urges.

Even when a guy loves a woman, those urges are still there, often, and this is the case with alot of people I know, a man with a woman he loves very much, and who may be great looking etc. and perfect for him, he will still want to stray, even if its an uglier, stupider girl, or hooker.

Its an odd trait most red blooded males have, the desire for more regardless of what you have now.

This guy gave in to those urges with hookers.


Don't listen to a word of this morally dogmatic shite, go to counciling, the internet is not the natural home of social or relationship success or advise.

Take the situation with mens urges in mind, if he confessed, then he is one step above the men who do this anyway, for years, without saying.

Get councilling, and talk to him, and leave the assumptions of marital bliss at the door. I'm not saying its ok, I'm saying get proper professional advice, not this online nonsense.

its called decency and self control. its led not being an ape, and having jumped down from the tree, and moving on from being a hunter gatherer. what a lot of my ar£e. most women get these urges too. but dont be so weak and try and tell a woman on the altar at her wedding that you slept with hookers. this man is pathetic. even apes wouldnt behave like that!!!!

next you will be saying that murder is acceptable because wild animals sometimes kill other wild animals fighting over territory, or that we should all stop washing because animals dont wash. or that because in the past we didn't write so we should stop now, because its an ideal pressed on peopl e.

you are just wrapping cant keep it in your pants up with fancy words.

have you never heard of human trafficing? this sad excuse for a man, likes anonymous sex with women he has never met before, oh, and he also likes having a loving girlfriend to take care of the emotional side.

what a crock. dump before you get a disease, op. it will be the best thing you did in years. forget the embarrassment. tell everyone why and they will understand.

jen_23

WOW!

No no no no no.
This should not happen. Least on the day your to be married!!
He obviously has a severe obsession/illness that needs help. That is not normal behavior for anyone, not to mention the riskiness of it all.

As many ppl have already suggested get checked for STDs and get a smear done asap! You do not know what he has contracted through all of this.

Second of all you need to make a hard decision. Yes the marred life is a nice idea and the happily ever after that goes with it but this does not sounds like that.

You need to ask yourself;
Can you see yourself not wondering where he is when working late?
Bringing children into the world with this man?
Explaining to kids where Daddy is?
Can you get over the fear of contracting an std?
Can you live with this situation?

None of us here are qualified to advise you what to do, we can only give our opinions if we were in your situation.
You do need to figure this out and I would think you should get a councelling session or two.
Talking it through with a professional will do the world of good.

I hope you do the right thing for you.

Best of luck!

Posy

Pack your bags and leave. Go stay with a friend or relative. Go to your GP and organise a blood test for STD's. Seek legal advice re- divorce or annulment. DO NOT stay with this creep. Ugh.

Stercus Accidit

estar wrote: »

next you will be saying that murder is acceptable because wild animals sometimes kill other wild animals fighting over territory, or that we should all stop washing because animals dont wash. or that because in the past we didn't write so we should stop now, because its an ideal pressed on peopl e.

you are just wrapping cant keep it in your pants up with fancy words.

rofl!

Here, read this link

My last post applies directly to your outraged reaction! OMG the man from the internet has a different view to me!

Bloody moral outragers will jump on the FIRST bloody thing they can to vent, and you have helped the OP in no way, simply satisfied your own purile urge to vent.


As for the fancy words, deepest apologies, I knew that I should have dumbed my opinion down to avoid this sort of backlash. Here:

OP is married, there is serious problem with the marriage, seek professional advice.

I also added that the internet would likely yield nothing but arguments, exhibit a, and moral outrage or a par with after hours.

This somewhat bolsters my statements.


There are two camps;
Dump him now because ditching a marriage is sooo easy like duh!

And,

Get professional councilling, breaking up a marriage over something like this is actually traumatic and difficult.


I'm in the second camp, tell me why I'm wrong.

DenMan

OP put an end to this monstrosity of a relationship right now. It is both insulting to you and everything you stand for. Get out of it right now. Let me put it to you another way. If the roles were reversed would you sleep with as many male prostitutes under the nose of your partner and ask him to play along with your fantasies whenever it suits you? I sincerely doubt it. Have respect for yourself and ask "is this normal behaviour". Do what is right for yourself and make a stand. GTFO while you can.

dixiefly

laura l wrote: »

i think this sounds made up.

however, if it happens to be true, i wouldn't be communicating with this man without evidence of a clear sti test.

i can't believe you're even considering staying with this guy!

I agree with Laura, the first person to suggest this is a wind up.

I laughed when I read it. I know truth is stranger than fiction but this is unbelievable. Nobody in theor right mind would stay in a relationship like this.

MagicMarker

Stercus Accidit wrote: »

There are two camps;
Dump him now because ditching a marriage is sooo easy like duh!

And,

Get professional councilling, breaking up a marriage over something like this is actually traumatic and difficult.


I'm in the second camp, tell me why I'm wrong.

Who has said otherwise? Just because something may be traumatic and difficult does not mean it shouldn't be the first step someone takes to protect themselves from enduring prolonged emotional trauma.

Stercus Accidit

MagicMarker wrote: »

Who has said otherwise? Just because something may be traumatic and difficult does not mean it shouldn't be the first step someone takes to protect themselves from enduring prolonged emotional trauma.

Fair point.

Edit: It is probably going to happen anyway, that they will have to see or speak to each other again, so the first time that happens, or at least soon, that should be orchestrated in an environment overseen by a professional.

There is a possibility the guy has something wrong psychologically, that may be irrelevant with regard to leaving him or not, or it may be relevant. Nothing is certain except that they did go as far as to get married, and he has royally fcuked up.
If thats end game, it should be decided upon in an appropriate atmosphere.