Friends I live with don't like me spending time with boyfriend

Lil88 · 02-12-2008 10:13am #1

This is my first post but I read the site regularly.

I live with 3 friends (one is my sister) and one other girl who moved in this year (she seems nice- just quiet and stays in her room studying a lot). The rest of us are in our third year living together and we have always gotten on grand together. But now I have been told by two of them that my boyfriend stays over too much.

To clarify, when he comes over he comes straight upstairs and into my room. The only thing he uses in the house is the toilet- he does not disturb anyone or get in their way. So when I said this it came out that the real problem isn't that he is there, it's that when I'm with him, I'm not with them. The girl who brought all this up with me is actually my older sister too although we have always been more like friends. She says she just misses spending time with me.

The problem is none of them see their boyfreinds more than twice a week so we seem to differ in opinion about how much time is good to spend with your boyfriend and how much to spend with friends.

I love spending most of my time with him and to do something once a week or so with friends seems to me to be pretty good maintenance of a friendship. When in work I email these girls regularly for a bit of banter, news, and gossip so we always know what's going on with each other- I'd almost say we know too much about each other- I find it's slightly chlosterphobic at times the pressure I feel from my girlfriends to "share" and "talk" etc.

Am I really unusual? Am I unreasonable? Is there a point in every girl's life when there is an inevitable shift in the balance of time spent with the girls vs time with boyfriend?

I would also like to add that I am by nature a quiet person, I do above and beyond my fair share of house work,I look after the rent and am the point of contact for the landlord re any house business. I am not trying to scab of anyone I live with, nor is my boyfriend. He comes over purely to spend time with me in my room. My general view on life is "live and let live", accept people the way they are yet I don't feel like they are accepting me just the way I am.

I would appreciate people's honest opinions.

jim o doom · 02-12-2008 10:29am

If you and your boyfriend were being "noisy" in your room, either through messing or say, getting it on.. or if he was around the house instead of just your room - I would certainly think you were being unfair. However this isn't the case.. so I don't think what you are doing is too bad really. I mean it isn't your fault if your sister doesn't have a relationship with her boyfriend that means they want to spend a significant amount of time together - I see my fiancee every day (we live together) but even when we didn't we saw each other constantly. some couples are like that & some are not.. the only bad thing is that your sister/housemates might have less privacy with a man regularily in an all-girl house. Im sure your sister would be more understanding if she realised your only other option is to move in with your boyfriend, which would mean she would then see you EVEN LESS! which from what you are saying is not what she wants.. Just try to talk to her about it & find out if there's anything else about it that's bothering her - if it really is just less time spent with yourself, the sad thing is, that she will have to learn to live with it - you can't be expected to give up your other half, eh?

Silverfish · 02-12-2008 10:32am

OP, you didn't mention how often he does come over?

Lil88 · 02-12-2008 10:48am

He'd stay 5 nights.

Thanks Jim, I have to say we actually just love spending time with each other- to us, it's what a relationship is about. We would like to move in together maybe next year but neither of us want to feel pushed into that before we have decided to do it for ourselves. I also would not want to leave the girls stuck looking for some randomer to rent my room for the rest of this lease- I wouldn't do that to them.

John Mason · 02-12-2008 10:49am

How often is he in your house?

anymore then twice/three times a week would far too much IMO.

John Mason · 02-12-2008 10:50am

Lil88 wrote: »

He'd stay 5 nights.

WOO there - you never said your boyfriend had actually moved in with you!!!

that is a completely different matter. 5 nights a week means he should be paying towards the rent and bills.

i dont blame your friends for being annoyed with you

AnonoBoy · 02-12-2008 10:54am

Can't you stay in his house sometimes?

Personally when I'm going out with a girl I wouldn't just pop over to her house and straight upstairs avoiding all contact with everyone else. I'd engage and chat with her friends and expect her to do the same with mine.

Do you never hang out with your friends and your boyfriend at the same time? Maybe if they got to know him it'd ease the situation a bit but yes - 5 nights a week is a bit much in shared accommodation I think.

LegacyUser · 02-12-2008 11:04am

Well he used to come over less and actually hang out in the living room- say two nights a week and we used to have a laugh I thought until big sis made her feelings clear that she didn't like him that much. She tried to revoke that statement recently but people don't say things for no reason. So I thought all would be fine by just keeping him out of everyone's way and making sure he didn't use anything in the house that would incur any expense or inconvenience to anyone else.

He lives in sort of state accomodation and I can stay there and I do sometimes, it's just quite awkward so it seemed to make more sense that he call up to me. Now I'm guessing it's just worth the effort for me to stay with him instead.

Although in the girls eyes, that won't solve the issue cos they seem to want to see me hanging out in our living room every night of the week-ready and waiting to keep them company.

Oh I just dunno.

Lil88 · 02-12-2008 11:07am

he used to come over say twice a week and hang out with everyone in the living room and it seemed to be nice. But big sis let me know she wasn't too fond of him so I thought it would be best to just keep it that he's only in my room. I guess it just went downhill from there because I thought it was really unreasonable of her to dislike him when he has actually really helped her out on a few occasions and really put himself out for her. It was just after that, there seemed to no point trying to integrate as a big happy family

AnonoBoy · 02-12-2008 11:08am

Lil88 wrote: »

he used to come over say twice a week and hang out with everyone in the living room and it seemed to be nice. But big sis let me know she wasn't too fond of him so I thought it would be best to just keep it that he's only in my room. I guess it just went downhill from there because I thought it was really unreasonable of her to dislike him when he has actually really helped her out on a few occasions and really put himself out for her. It was just after that, there seemed to no point trying to integrate as a big happy family

Yeah but 5 nights a week is a bit much really, no?

02-12-2008 11:14am

5 nights a week is totally unreasonable. I agree he should be paying towards the rent if he's there that much. He's like an extra housemate. The most my bf ever stays is 2 nights a week, and it's generally after we go out for drinks, so we'd be coming home late and leaving early for work, I'm not sure my flatmates even know he's there most of the time. It sounds like your guy is imposing, whether you realise it or not. If he's staying 5 nights a week, you need to get your own place. I understand your attitude of you don't want to be forced into it, but it comes off as a bit selfish to me. Maybe your flatmates don't want to be forced into living with a couple? I wouldn't be too happy if I were them.

asdasd · 02-12-2008 11:14am

Yeah but 5 nights a week is a bit much really, no?

Who makes these rules? She is paying rent for a room. He comes over. They use her room. Thats it. Fully correct.

the problem is obviously that Big Sis doesnt like the chap, but whether that is an issue, or not, is up to the OP.

Lil88 · 02-12-2008 11:16am

Well I'm started to think maybe we should just move in together to solve the "house etiquette" issue cos we just want to see each other. But I still have the problem of friends who want to spend more time with me than I do with them...

Thanks for the opinions anyway, it's good to get some honest and neutral thoughts!

helimachoptor · 02-12-2008 11:17am

Lil88 wrote: »

He'd stay 5 nights.

5 nights is way too much!!! 3 max I would say

Dord · 02-12-2008 11:18am

5 nights a week? That's practically living there!

I can see why they're not happy. Can you not go to his sometimes?

SweetChilli · 02-12-2008 11:19am

OP, I think you should be very very careful how you are with your friends. It comes across that you are just doing your "duty" by emailing them and seeing them once a week. Email doesn't constitute a friendship.... You say you think once a week is enough time to spend with them.... Would this still be the case if you broke up with your boyfriend????

WOW - 5 times a week, yep this is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too often, you need to start staying in his... You'd be surprised how the atmosphere in a house can change if one person has their OH over the entire time... I doubt it's whether he showers there or uses milk to make a cup of tea, it seems to me that your friends just miss spending time with you, you should be flattered. Personally, I can think of nothing worse than living with someone who spends their entire time in the bedroom....

02-12-2008 11:22am

Who makes these rules? She is paying rent for a room. He comes over. They use her room. Thats it. Fully correct.

It's often in the contract, but if not - house etiquette and basic good manners. When you move into a place, you choose who you want to live with. It's totally unfair to expect your flatmates to live with an extra person who they may not even like, making them feel uncomfortable in their own home. Just because I'm paying rent doesn't mean I have the right to move an extra person in.

asdasd · 02-12-2008 11:24am

Personally, I can think of nothing worse than living with someone who spends their entire time in the bedroom....

this is really a question of friendship rather than house etiquite. In the last house I lived in I lived with a gitl in her late twenties, like me ( then). She advertised. I moved in. We got on well but were not best buddies, or anything. Then she got back with her bf who was over all the time, and they used to go to their room ( which was nice actually since I got the TV haha!).

I didnt care a bit. why would i? So the issue is not about the house it is about

1) the friendships. regardless of whether you are living with people how often do you meet them, and
2) the bf does not get on with the sister.

i dont get the house etiquette thing at all, you pay rent you can bring people in, it is a mask for other issues.

ziedth · 02-12-2008 11:26am

Hold on a Min,

He's not a room mate, He doesn't Cook/Clean/use the Sitting room.

The OP Rents her room like anyone and is entitled todo what she wants with it. The OP has already said that the issue is basically that her friends are insecure or missing her.

IMO your friends are being a little selfish, If your BF was eating food or hanging around I would say something and if what yuor saying about him simply going up to your room then its nobody's business but yours.

SweetChilli · 02-12-2008 11:36am

If she's spending all her time in the bedroom with the boyfriend she may as well just move out, she's not contributing anything to the living arrangement.... Just because you pay your share of the rent doesn't automatically entitle you to have someone over 5 nights a week, when you share with others there are certain unwritten "rules" which should be respected...

seamus · 02-12-2008 11:46am

ziedth wrote: »

IMO your friends are being a little selfish, If your BF was eating food or hanging around I would say something and if what yuor saying about him simply going up to your room then its nobody's business but yours.

Yeah, I'd think a little bit of that.

Women seem to be particularly possessive of their friends. I've heard of plenty of women fall out over the fact that one of the girls is suddenly spending 4 nights a week with their boyfriend and suddenly she's not ringing and texting her mates every waking hour.
Guys encounter the same problem, but groups of men tend to be more tolerant of long absences. Women view someone not getting in touch as being cold and heartless or a "bad friend". But a good friend isn't necessarily someone who talks to you every day. I haven't spoken to one of my best mates in about 5 months (as he's overseas and remote).

I do find it bizarre that they would have this attitude when they live with you though, unless it's a case of him coming over at dinner time every day and the two of you going straight upstairs and disappearing until the next morning. In that case, I could understand their frustration - you're there and they want to speak to you, but they can't. If however, he comes over at like 9, and that's it, I don't see the problem.

Also, what age are you all? Would you/they go out for a few drinks a couple of times a week? I would also understand it if they were going out every other night and you were refusing to go with them because you were staying in your room.

humanji · 02-12-2008 11:47am

Sorry if it was said and I missed it, but is it possible to spend some time in your boyfriends place? Personnally I think him being over 5 times a week isn't too much if he's only staying in your room. I can see why your flatmates would be annoyed by having some guy there almost all the time, but f*ck them, tbh. They just sound childish, especially with their "reason" for wanting him to not be there.

If you can't spend more time in his place then it would be an idea to think about getting a place for yourselves sooner rather than later.

TheZohanS · 02-12-2008 11:49am

5 nights a week is too much. At that rate he should be contributing an equal share towards rent and bills.

How would you feel if all of your friends moved their b/f's into the house? It might get a tad cramped, no? If everyone followed your rules they would be entitled to.

To save any hassle you should split your time between your place and his. It might be a good idea to spend quality time with your own friends too, it's your friends that will b there to pick up the pieces should you ever break-up.

Either way just be a little bit mre considerate and put yourself in your housemates shoes.

yomamasflavour · 02-12-2008 11:58am

TheZohan wrote: »

5 nights a week is too much. At that rate he should be contributing an equal share towards rent and bills.

How would you feel if all of your friends moved their b/f's into the house? It might get a tad cramped, no? If everyone followed your rules they would be entitled to.

To save any hassle you should split your time between your place and his. It might be a good idea to spend quality time with your own friends too, it's your friends that will b there to pick up the pieces should you ever break-up.

Either way just be a little bit mre considerate and put yourself in your housemates shoes.

This keeps coming up, yet I don't see why he should be paying towards bills and rent, there's no logic behind it.
He shares her room, and I assume he only eats her food, uses things as she uses them. So why should there be two contributions to the costs?

I would personally see 5 nights a week excessive, IF on each of those nights they were disturbing/keeping everyone else up - due to talking or otherwise:cool:.

However if thats not the case, then I'm at a loss to see what the problem is, other than the flatmates being childish as regards time with her, and her sister not liking him personally.

AngryBadger · 02-12-2008 12:09pm

Gotta agree with everyone else. 5 nights a week seems like too much.

BKtje · 02-12-2008 12:13pm

SweetChilli wrote: »

If she's spending all her time in the bedroom with the boyfriend she may as well just move out, she's not contributing anything to the living arrangement....

I didn't realise that "contributing to the living arrangement "was a stipulation in renting a room. I figured it was, pay your share of the bills, don't make a mess of communal areas (be hygenic etc), be courteous to fellow house mates etc. After that if you don't want to talk/interact with them then that's up to you.

TheZohan wrote: »

5 nights a week is too much. At that rate he should be contributing an equal share towards rent and bills.

An equal share of what? Her portion of the rent, surely that's up to her to decide. Regaring other bills, if he's there when the OP is not then he should pay for whatever he uses when in her room but the way it's explained is that he's only there with her so no extra resources used.

How would you feel if all of your friends moved their b/f's into the house? It might get a tad cramped, no? If everyone followed your rules they would be entitled to.

Hardly be cramped if they all stayed in their own rooms?

Either way just be a little bit mre considerate and put yourself in your housemates shoes.

I think the OP needs to find out exactly why her housemates object. Once you know that you can try to find a solution. Until then she's just guessing and will probably never get it right!

shellyboo · 02-12-2008 12:14pm

yomamasflavour wrote: »

This keeps coming up, yet I don't see why he should be paying towards bills and rent, there's no logic behind it.
He shares her room, and I assume he only eats her food, uses things as she uses them. So why should there be two contributions to the costs?

I would personally see 5 nights a week excessive, IF on each of those nights they were disturbing/keeping everyone else up - due to talking or otherwise:cool:.

However if thats not the case, then I'm at a loss to see what the problem is, other than the flatmates being childish as regards time with her, and her sister not liking him personally.

We have a person in our house who is only there five nights a week, only uses their own food and own things. She is my housemate, and she pays an equal share of the rent and bills.

For a lot of people people in rented accommodation, if they live down the country or have a partner, five nights is pretty much all they'll be staying there. So 5 nights a week is all the time. To have someone else there all the time - even when they're not stealing your food - is an imposition, and he should be sharing the cost of the rent and bills since he is essentially living there.

He could possibly be exempt from bills - that is, if he sits in an unheated room with the lights off, and doesn't use any appliances. Presumably, if he's there five nights a week, he showers? And when he's in the shower, the OP's housemates don't have the use of their bathroom. When there's a man in the house, they can't walk around scantily clad - I have a male housemate and I like it when he's not there cos I can go to the loo in the middle of the night without putting on several extra layers of clothing on the off-chance that he'll be on the landing. There are a million things which change when there's a man in the house all the time... so I can see why the OP's housemates are annoyed.

Five nights a week is too much. If you need to see eachother that much, move in together.

tba · 02-12-2008 12:18pm

your sister does not like your boy friend, she has no friends of her own and is lonely, stay in his place five days a week and see how their tone changes.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 02-12-2008 12:23pm

Someone being in the house, even if confined to one room, changes the atmosphere. People feel they can't relax if someone they don't know very well is in the house. 5 nights a week is therefore completely unreasonable.

I don't think you realised this because you were too distracted with how great your relationship is. You assumed everyone else is as comfortable with your boyfriend as you are.

I think you should apologise to your friends and not have him over as much.

If you split up with your boyfriend you'll need your friends. Once someone ignores their mates for a boyfriend/girlfriend their mates will never see them the same way when they come crawling back.

asdasd · 02-12-2008 12:23pm

To have someone else there all the time - even when they're not stealing your food - is an imposition, and he should be sharing the cost of the rent and bills since he is essentially living there.

Nonsense. the only part of the bills he "has" to pay, that he would be morally obliged to pay ( but not legally obliged to) would be any reources he consumes in her room. like electricty costs in her room. Since she pays for that in her bill, he would owe the OP a biscuit every two days, or something of that magnitude. He doesnt use the kitchen. He doesnt use the TV room ( A guest could easily do the latter but not the former), and therefore it is nobody else's business who is in the OP's room.

OP rents a room.
She brings her bf to the room.
They avoid the common area.

I really dont get what the complaint could possibly be about.

LegacyUser · 02-12-2008 12:25pm

So when I said this it came out that the real problem isn't that he is there, it's that when I'm with him, I'm not with them.

hmmm...somehow i doubt very much this is the real reason, it was just said to soften the blow

Am I really unusual? Am I unreasonable?

OP 5 times a week is way way to much for your boyfriend to stay over, i mean even if i wasn't friends with the people i lived with, out of common decency i would never allow my bf to stay over that much, the fact that you do so especially when you live with friends, the mind boggles...

Yes you can use the 'oh he stays in my room all the time excuse but come on!!!!' do you ever have sex in the room??

you really need to look at this from you're friends point of view, the two of you go into a room for pretty much 5 days (while your friends/sister!!!!) are in the SAME house, and don't say a word to anyone, i mean for all they know the two of you are at it like rabbits for 5 days while they're in the same house, then have the audacity to waltz back out and play friends with them for the next two days??? cop on.

you have to remember that you're friends didn't sign up to live with a couple.

Living with a couple (reguardless of if hes in the room the whole time or not) changes the dynamic of everyone living in the house

Is there a point in every girl's life when there is an inevitable shift in the balance of time spent with the girls vs time with boyfriend?

yes of course there is, but they're are also two types of 'couples', those who see their other half as their best friend and adopt the 'them and us mentality' where their friends always come second to the relationship

and those couples who see their other half as ONE of their best friends and integrate their boyfriend/girlfriend into their circle of friends

no prizes for guessing which type you are.

I love spending most of my time with him and to do something once a week or so with friends seems to me to be pretty good maintenance of a friendship. When in work I email these girls regularly for a bit of banter, news, and gossip so we always know what's going on with each other

Hate to burst your bubble but its not 'a good maintenance of friendship' , god even the way you phrased that! since when is a friendship just something you maintain for the sake of it??!

You're friends are pretty much telling you that you're losing them, if you don't want this to happen i suggest you put some real effort into the friendship and fast tbh....

You don't email friends for banter, you email accaintances

Do you actually consider meeting your friends one a week and emailing them i work a friendship???
Emailing them from WORK??
Jesus surely you have a spare half an hour a day/3days to pick up the phone and CALL them??!
OP if any of my friends behaved like you, they wouldn't be my friends!

you really need to wake up soon or you'll lose everyone, and if/when you and your boyfriend break up, you won't have a friend in sight to pick up the pieces.

asdasd · 02-12-2008 12:26pm

your sister does not like your boy friend, she has no friends of her own and is lonely, stay in his place five days a week and see how their tone changes.

Since the problem here is that they dont like the bf, and they want to see more of her they will have the same complaints.

The problem is not with him coming over, no roommate can complain about that. The problem is that these roommates are friends ( and family) and are missing the OP, or jealous, or both. going to his place solves none of that.

Dragan · 02-12-2008 12:26pm

At the end of the day what you do in your room is your business.

I wouldn't pay too much attention to the "5 nights! thats a bit much" reactions. The root issue here is not that your boyfriend is in the house, it's that your friends and sister feel like they miss you.

Make an extra night for them, see what happens.

jim o doom · 02-12-2008 12:28pm

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

If you split up with your boyfriend you'll need your friends. Once someone ignores their mates for a boyfriend/girlfriend their mates will never see them the same way when they come crawling back.

And while we are at "ifs" (since they are endless) - what IF she marries the boyfriend, has kids & hardly ever sees her friends again? or what IF.. blah blah blah. IF the most pointless sentance startng point EVER.

SweetChilli · 02-12-2008 12:31pm

BKtje - It's not a stipulation, it's just basic manners... She's not living with just anyone, she lives with her sister and 2 friends so it can't be too much to expect some form of interaction........

The main issue here I would think is that her friends would like to see more of the OP on her own, they obviously feel neglected recently which is hardly a crime. I know this might sound lame to male posters but that's just how girls are. Friends spend time together, that's what makes them friends.. Girls tend to drop their friends when a guy comes on the scene.... It's not rocket science to balance both...!!

jim o doom · 02-12-2008 12:36pm

SweetChilli wrote: »

BKtje - It's not a stipulation, it's just basic manners... She's not living with just anyone, she lives with her sister and 2 friends so it can't be too much to expect some form of interaction........

The main issue here I would think is that her friends would like to see more of the OP on her own, they obviously feel neglected recently which is hardly a crime. I know this might sound lame to male posters but that's just how girls are. Friends spend time together, that's what makes them friends.. Girls tend to drop their friends when a guy comes on the scene.... It's not rocket science to balance both...!!

yeah, it ain't "rocket science" however you fail to remember, that when a couple are in (here it comes) LOVE they tend to really only be thinking about each other & other things very very little... All those hormones and chemicals running around the brain tend to make on a little illogical at the absolute best of times.

TheZohanS · 02-12-2008 12:38pm

BKtje wrote: »

I didn't realise that "contributing to the living arrangement "was a stipulation in renting a room. I figured it was, pay your share of the bills, don't make a mess of communal areas (be hygenic etc), be courteous to fellow house mates etc. After that if you don't want to talk/interact with them then that's up to you.

An equal share of what? Her portion of the rent, surely that's up to her to decide. Regaring other bills, if he's there when the OP is not then he should pay for whatever he uses when in her room but the way it's explained is that he's only there with her so no extra resources used.

Hardly be cramped if they all stayed in their own rooms?

I think the OP needs to find out exactly why her housemates object. Once you know that you can try to find a solution. Until then she's just guessing and will probably never get it right!

The house was rented for X amount of people, not X+1.

An equal share:
If he showers in the house then he consumes gas/electricty - so an equal share of that

If he creates any waste whatsoever(all humans do) then he should pay towards bin charges.

I'm sure he eats there or has the odd cup of tea- gas/electricity

Watches tv? Thn he should pay an equal share of NTL or Sky plus the TV licence

Groceries; milk for coffee/sugar, loo roll, yadda yadda yadda...

The list goes on and on.

He doesn't just stay to the O/P's bedroom, he uses the bathroom and I'm sure he also uses other areas so he should pay rent if he's there 5 out of 7 days.

Fair is fair.

That Girl.. · 02-12-2008 12:39pm

I really don't think it's any of their business if he does just be in your room with you not disturbing anyone else..

It'd be a different story if you two were taking up the sitting room or something then i'd understand. Different people have different opinions, like i see my boyfriend every night and see my friends at weekends.

Most people would disagree with that but its your life so live it how you want to.

He shouldn't have to pay towards rent or bills, thats just stupid..
You're still payin your share and he's hardly using more electricity etc.
Don't listen to them..

Bottle_of_Smoke · 02-12-2008 12:40pm

jim o doom wrote: »

And while we are at "ifs" (since they are endless) - what IF she marries the boyfriend, has kids & hardly ever sees her friends again? or what IF.. blah blah blah. IF the most pointless sentance startng point EVER.

My "if" is more likely than your "if". My "if" is a highly likely "if". Even if they don't split up there's going to be ups and downs and people need their friends for those situations. She's isolating her friends by spending v.little time with them, and by the sounds of it no one-to-one time.

shellyboo · 02-12-2008 12:40pm

asdasd wrote: »

Nonsense. the only part of the bills he "has" to pay, that he would be morally obliged to pay ( but not legally obliged to) would be any reources he consumes in her room. like electricty costs in her room. Since she pays for that in her bill, he would owe the OP a biscuit every two days, or something of that magnitude.

So, by that reasoning, since I get home after all my housemates every night and they've already got the TV on and the heating; I shouldn't have to pay the bills because they'd be using it anyway if I wasn't there?

Even if I closed my eyes and ran up to my room and sat in there with the radiator and the lights off so as not to consume any gas or electricity... I live in the house, I must pay my share of the bills. Since he is there so much, I think it would be only fair in this case. There is an extra person living in that house; the bills should be divided accordingly.

However, that's really beside the point - since the OP's sister dislikes the boyfriend anyway, him paying the bills is not going to make a difference. The problem is that the OP is neglecting her friends, which is always a mistake. She should make more time for them.

SweetChilli · 02-12-2008 12:43pm

Oh I know that LOVE and a new relationship is all consuming and you just want to spend every minute together but surely not at the expense of friendships..... The first few months people expect to see less of you but surely then it's time to get back to normal and come up for air..... It's healthy to have time apart...

I learned this the hard way and I swore I'd never do it again... I now know it's possible to have a healthy balance and my relationship is much better for it.....

Monkey61 · 02-12-2008 12:44pm

Basically the only issue here is that their lifestyles are incompatible to yours. They want to sit around in their girly house having the craic five nights a week and you don't.

They are never going to change and neither are you. You are entitled to have your boyfriend in your room as much as you want but they are never going to be happy about it. The problem isn't him personally, they just want different things from a housemate then what you are giving them.

It's like if you wanted to play charades every night in the living room whilst they wanted to watch dvds instead. Clashing interests.

If you want to make your friends happy, you can agree to compromise and arrange to spend more time with them. Otherwise, you need to consider living with people whose lifestyles are more in sync with yours - if you don't want to rush moving in with your boyfriend.

yomamasflavour · 02-12-2008 12:50pm

shellyboo wrote: »

We have a person in our house who is only there five nights a week, only uses their own food and own things. She is my housemate, and she pays an equal share of the rent and bills.

For a lot of people people in rented accommodation, if they live down the country or have a partner, five nights is pretty much all they'll be staying there. So 5 nights a week is all the time. To have someone else there all the time - even when they're not stealing your food - is an imposition, and he should be sharing the cost of the rent and bills since he is essentially living there.

He could possibly be exempt from bills - that is, if he sits in an unheated room with the lights off, and doesn't use any appliances. Presumably, if he's there five nights a week, he showers? And when he's in the shower, the OP's housemates don't have the use of their bathroom. When there's a man in the house, they can't walk around scantily clad - I have a male housemate and I like it when he's not there cos I can go to the loo in the middle of the night without putting on several extra layers of clothing on the off-chance that he'll be on the landing. There are a million things which change when there's a man in the house all the time... so I can see why the OP's housemates are annoyed.

Five nights a week is too much. If you need to see eachother that much, move in together.

Well I kind of have to dissagree, I don't know maybe its different in an all girls house. but coming over late at night and just spending the night with her in her room, without interacting with the other flatmates is hardly "all the time".

Fair enough if he's there when she's not, that I certainly wouldn't be okay with, but assuming he is only there when she is, assuming he only eats her food, assuming he only has the light/tv/heater on when she would normally have it on anyway, assuming they share a shower - You can hardly say he's increasing the costs of sharing the apartment. (and if you still do, maybe you're holding the purse strings a bit too tight, just maybe?)

One more thing - Why would your male flatmate be stading on the landing in the middle of the night.
In the dark.
Waiting...

I'd be getting a bit worried if I were you, he he:p

Although scarily enough I have a female flatmate that seems to do that a bit, shes a bit random

Tigger · 02-12-2008 12:55pm

tell them to get a life

its yer room he's not living there he's just hanging out with you

this is typical; crap that comes from roommates trying to be "the parents" and introduce "the rules"

Victor · 02-12-2008 1:06pm

hello!! wrote: »

hmmm...somehow i doubt very much this is the real reason, it was just said to soften the blow

OP 5 times a week is way way to much for your boyfriend to stay over, i mean even if i wasn't friends with the people i lived with, out of common decency i would never allow my bf to stay over that much, the fact that you do so especially when you live with friends, the mind boggles...

Yes you can use the 'oh he stays in my room all the time excuse but come on!!!!' do you ever have sex in the room??

you really need to look at this from you're friends point of view, the two of you go into a room for pretty much 5 days (while your friends/sister!!!!) are in the SAME house, and don't say a word to anyone, i mean for all they know the two of you are at it like rabbits for 5 days while they're in the same house, then have the audacity to waltz back out and play friends with them for the next two days??? cop on.

you have to remember that you're friends didn't sign up to live with a couple.

Living with a couple (reguardless of if hes in the room the whole time or not) changes the dynamic of everyone living in the house

yes of course there is, but they're are also two types of 'couples', those who see their other half as their best friend and adopt the 'them and us mentality' where their friends always come second to the relationship

and those couples who see their other half as ONE of their best friends and integrate their boyfriend/girlfriend into their circle of friends

no prizes for guessing which type you are.

Hate to burst your bubble but its not 'a good maintenance of friendship' , god even the way you phrased that! since when is a friendship just something you maintain for the sake of it??!

You're friends are pretty much telling you that you're losing them, if you don't want this to happen i suggest you put some real effort into the friendship and fast tbh....

You don't email friends for banter, you email accaintances

Do you actually consider meeting your friends one a week and emailing them i work a friendship???
Emailing them from WORK??
Jesus surely you have a spare half an hour a day/3days to pick up the phone and CALL them??!
OP if any of my friends behaved like you, they wouldn't be my friends!

you really need to wake up soon or you'll lose everyone, and if/when you and your boyfriend break up, you won't have a friend in sight to pick up the pieces.

You could be a little less harsh.

shellyboo · 02-12-2008 1:09pm

yomamasflavour wrote: »

assuming he is only there when she is, assuming he only eats her food, assuming he only has the light/tv/heater on when she would normally have it on anyway, assuming they share a shower - You can hardly say he's increasing the costs of sharing the apartment. (and if you still do, maybe you're holding the purse strings a bit too tight, just maybe?)

So, by that reasoning, since I get home after all my housemates every night and they've already got the TV on and the heating; I shouldn't have to pay the bills because they'd be using it anyway if I wasn't there?

My purse strings are as loose as they come. I live with three of my best childhood friends, and we are stupidly lax about who paid for what and bills and the like. But if any of my housemates had their partner staying there five nights a week, I wouldn't be impressed. I would expect them to at least offer to contribute to bills, since having an extra person in the house does increase the cost of them, however marginally.

Also - assuming they share a shower? Are you serious? That's more annoying than him showering on his own, and also pretty unlikely.

yomamasflavour wrote: »

One more thing - Why would your male flatmate be stading on the landing in the middle of the night.
In the dark.
Waiting...

Maybe he's getting up to use the bathroom as well. Perhaps he's on his way downstairs to get a glass of water. Maybe he's coming upstairs from having been downstairs watching TV late in the night. Maybe he's coming in from a night out. Maybe his gf is going home and he's walking her downstairs to her taxi... shall I go on? What I'm saying is, when there is a man in the house, things are different.

Firetrap · 02-12-2008 1:11pm

5 nights is too much IMHO. A thing that's annoyed me when I've shared houses with people who've got partners is the noise. The laughing, the chatting, the noise of the s€x going on til all hours. It's hard to get a good night's sleep when you can hear the people in the room beside you going at it hammer and tongs. Actually, they don't even need to be going at it that hard - noise travels. Especially in newer houses. Now, I can live with this if it's only a couple of nights a week at most but 5 nights is too much.

Also, a lot of people don't like sharing houses with couples. It changes the dynamic of things. You and your boyfriend are effectively living together. Even if you and the girls decide to chill out together, there's the knowledge that in a couple of hours, your boyfriend will be along to spend the night.

Be careful not to lose your friends by getting too wrapped up in your boyfriend. I think most people can tell you stories of girls who got so obsessed with their boyfriends that they neglected their female friends.

Either
(1) Get a place of your own
(2) Don't have him over to stay every night
(3) Mix it up - go stay in his place other nights

BroomBurner · 02-12-2008 1:25pm

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

My "if" is more likely than your "if". My "if" is a highly likely "if". Even if they don't split up there's going to be ups and downs and people need their friends for those situations. She's isolating her friends by spending v.little time with them, and by the sounds of it no one-to-one time.

Oh my God, the sun must never shine for you! :eek:

Can everyone get off their high horse about this "5 days is too much" business. That isn't the core problem, the core problem is that her friends are feeling neglected. Well, OP, that's a little tough for them.

There will be a time when you have to choose who you spend the majority of your time with and, when you're in love with someone, why wouldn't it be them? They can provide all the benefits of a best friend but with even more.

I made a decision to spend most of my time with someone I loved and not with my friends. He is now my husband and best friend. My decent friends all did the same and most of them are also married/in long term relationships. They understand what it takes to make a go of something, maybe your sister and housemates just haven't got that part yet.
If you rely too heavily on your friends, you'll never be able to let go and invest your time in a meaningful relationship with your other half.

SweetChilli · 02-12-2008 1:34pm

BroomBurner wrote: »

I made a decision to spend most of my time with someone I loved and not with my friends. He is now my husband and best friend. My decent friends all did the same and most of them are also married/in long term relationships. They understand what it takes to make a go of something, maybe your sister and housemates just haven't got that part yet..

Oh my God, could you be anymore condescending.......!!!!!

If you rely too heavily on your friends, you'll never be able to let go and invest your time in a meaningful relationship with your other half.

Are you serious............??? I'm totally and utterly gobsmacked by that remark..... I think I feel sorry for you.....

MIN2511 · 02-12-2008 1:41pm

BroomBurner wrote: »

Oh my God, the sun must never shine for you!

Can everyone get off their high horse about this "5 days is too much" business. That isn't the core problem, the core problem is that her friends are feeling neglected. Well, OP, that's a little tough for them.

There will be a time when you have to choose who you spend the majority of your time with and, when you're in love with someone, why wouldn't it be them? They can provide all the benefits of a best friend but with even more.

I made a decision to spend most of my time with someone I loved and not with my friends. He is now my husband and best friend. My decent friends all did the same and most of them are also married/in long term relationships. They understand what it takes to make a go of something, maybe your sister and housemates just haven't got that part yet.

If you rely too heavily on your friends, you'll never be able to let go and invest your time in a meaningful relationship with your other half.

I am not attacking you but people that see things the way you do end up without a life when they seperate from their partners/OH
My friend was like you, isolated her friends and then she found her bf of 7yrs cheating on her. She rang us when she was devastated and none of us paid her any attention.... You can't decide when you need friends and don't like they are disposable.

OP
1. Ask the house mates how many nights the bf can stay over per week and inform them when he's coming over.
2. If it doesn't suit you-move out

BroomBurner · 02-12-2008 1:44pm

MIN2511 wrote: »

I am not attacking you but people that see things the way you do end up without a life when they seperate from their partners/OH
My friend was like you, isolated her friends and then she found her bf of 7yrs cheating on her. She rang us when she was devastated and none of us paid her any attention.... You can't decide when you need friends and don't like they are disposable.

Wow, what a lovely bunch of friends you were to her. I would always be there for my friends, regardless of how much time there was between us. The same goes for them. I can understand that they have their own life and might not have the time to spend seeing everyone. However, if things went a bit pear-shaped, I would never, ever, ever turn them away out of spite.

Yeah, if I sound condescending, maybe it's because I'm not as needy and self-centred as people who think that their friends OWE them time.

Friends I live with don't like me spending time with boyfriend

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