OK help please

wolfpawnat

Right, lets start at the beginning, I was raised by my mum since I was 4, so I alway did what I was told because she was very bossy!

When she decided after her divorce from my father when I was 17 to move from Cork city to Dingle I jut upped and left, in the middle of my leaving cert year, leaving my friends, she never asked my or my sister (3years my junior) our thoughts or ideas, we just obeyed.

I didnt do a great leaving cert and a result I decided to move back to Cork and repeated it in a plc college. There is where I met my boyfriend of 2 years. He had similar likes to me and was the first person to ever make me question my mothers authority.

He came to Dingle one weekend and the whole time my mother kept saying we were destitute and that my father was the root of all evil, while chain smoking, drinking wine as though we owned a vineyard and took us out for meals the entire time in our brand new renault clio. I nearly died of shame!

When he came again for new years, my mother was never home and she ignored him the one afternoon she was there. My boyfriend and I had an argument on new years night, which can happen and my mother accused me of submitting to his every command, he demanded nothing from me for the record.

For my 21st in Feb, I was working in Galway and my bday landed on a friday. I took the day off work to go to Cork to have a family meal with a good friend of ours, I never got to choose where my bday meal was or who was invited. My mother and sister went crazy when I said I wanted my boyfriend of over a year there! We decided to have a sleep in the morning of my bday and to head down in the afternoon, but my boyfriend had a huge nose leed so we were delayed longer than expected, for my whole bday dinner I was not spoken to by my mother and boyfriend was given filthy looks.

Then things really hit the fan, I fell down some of the stairs due to drink and had to be admitted to hospital, my mother rang the hospital and told them my boyfriend was abusive in the relationship and that he pushed me down the stairs!

Then in May I was in Dingle in the family home and because I didnt want to live in Dingle for the summer, my mother locked me into the house and threathened to have me sectioned because I was irrational, because I tried to pushed past her to get to the door with my hands full of my most prized possessions she grabbed me by the head and throat and refused to let me leave, I finally got out and have not returned since.

Now heres the kicker, I am now 6 months pregnant and with the baby on the way I have had my sister saying I HAVE to get in contact with my mother, but with external support I dont need to talk to a woman that made my life a living hell.

Any ideas on what I should do?

wylo

Your old enough now to look after yourself and worry about the more important things in your life, you and your BFs baby. IMO The last thing you should be doing is introducing an old stress in life when your 6 months pregnant.
The relationship with your mother has gone beyond any normal mother daughter tensions. She made her mistake and has to pay the consequences, maybe contact her when your child is a small bit older ensuring you have complete control over the situation. Do you want her to start making decisions for your baby too?

Congratulations by the way.

Overheal

Congratulations.

From what you say it sounds like your mother has some destitute boundary issues, and is a source of high stress for you. Honestly, I would not get in contact with her just now.

Sleepy

Congrats x 2

As the sleep deprived father of a 9 week old little girl let me say that having a baby is great. So congrats on that.

I am not a professional psychologist but in my opinion your mother sounds bat-**** nuts, well done on getting away from her.

If you want to let your mother back into your life at some point, do it on your own terms, when baby is born and you've recovered sufficiently to deal with her. Don't be afraid to instruct the hospital that she's an unwelcome visitor, they'll have seen it all (and far worse) before.

wolfpawnat

I dont want to sound woe betide me, but I feel it is my duty to my baby to keep this mad woman away from it. It shouldnt have to know the ****e I had to put up with.

I was thinking that I was doing the right thing having nothing to do for her, but in case I am being unreasonable.

Captain Ginger

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I dont want to sound woe betide me, but I feel it is my duty to my baby to keep this mad woman away from it. It shouldnt have to know the ****e I had to put up with.

I was thinking that I was doing the right thing having nothing to do for her, but in case I am being unreasonable.

Honestly if all is as you say it is and I was in your position I wouldn't let her near ME let alone any child of mine. If you think you can manage and get through this without her then why complicate things? Maybe in a while when things are less complicated, but right now I would think you have enough on your plate.

cantdecide

+1 on all of the above

Get away and stay away for now. Congratulations, btw. Look after number one and be glad that you're a rational person in the face of such adversity. I just hope there's no fear of your little sister.

Snowman123

Hi

I am really sorry you are going through all this right now.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am too 6 months pregnant and relatives are telling me I have to talk to my parents. My parents are horrible people and I have not spoken to them in years. But now that I am pregnant, people are telling me I HAVE to speak to them.

I know the last thing you need right now is the added pressure of your sister telling you that you have to do anything. First and foremost, it is your decision about whether or how you allow your mother to be involved in your new baby’s life. Whatever pressure people put you under, you are in charge and you must remember that. Given your Mothers behaviour it is perfectly understandable that you do not want her involved in your family’s life now, especially if you are worried about what influence they might be. When people pressure you it can be helpful if you remain assertive and respectful – you can say something like that while you appreciate they have a different point of view, it is your decision about what type of relationship you want with your Mother and then to end the discussion at that

My Mother is unbelievably similar in behaviour to yours. I am choosing to have no contact with my parents and am also being out under pressure by relatives. I am also receiving threats that nobody will come to the Christening if I don’t invite my parents. I didn’t tell them I was pregnant because I didn’t feel like they deserved to hear it from me as they hadn’t apologised for things that had happened in the past. Not that I think an apology would suffice, but it’s a start. That I know is the right decision for me. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You are clearly a strong person, having perused your own life and its clear you can more than manage on your own.

I hope your pregnancy goes well and you can start enjoying things a bit more. Mail me anytime.

wolfpawnat

The baby is my number 1 priority, but I really think for both our sakes my mother cannot be involved. Not to mention the father whom my mother had attempted a hate campaign against, all because he doesn't think she's the be all and end all of everything!

I have had threats to for no one coming to the christening, so as a f you I am going to hold it in the dads home town (its a gorgeous church anyway) I am not being blackmailed into any situation by anyone, I have the right to look after those closest to me and it took 21 years of torture and brainwashing to get out of it.

My boyfriend and I have decided to give the baby his surname, our own personal decision and my sister went crazy "these days its the mothers name, your being bullied into giving it his", personally I feel that if the parents decide on something, social norms don't really matter. She also mocked the names we have chosen/short listed.

My boyfriends dad died and a month later I found out I was pregnant so obviously if it a boy, we think it is only right to honour his father with our son being named after him, this seems to my family to be a disgrace. And saying I can't name my daughter the name I have chosen, a beautiful Irish name, because my sister cannot pronounce it! Am I the only one who would tell someone at this point to f*#k off because when I did there was a big argument with phonecalls saying how its terrible I am pushing my family away.

Of course I am pushing them away, nothing I do is good enough for them, I got into general nursing in Dublin and my mother refused to accept it saying that I should have went to Cork or to Tralee IT, I'm sorry but if a certain college is known to give the best nursing education, shouldn't you aimed for that college!

Half my family thinks I'm cruel for pushing my mother and sister away and the other half of the family pity me and speak to me as though I am an infant because they have be told time and time again that my boyfriend is abusive and controlling me.

Peewee_lane

My mother was a little like that and I moved away when I was 18. Im 24 now and we are like the best of friends.

Stay away, have the baby. You're going to need support at some stage. Shes going to want to be involved at some stage too. You have to understand also from her point of view that you were probably driving her mad, wanting to leave home or something and she stopped you in a rage. Pretty much flash forward 21 years and your own baby is disgusted with you, thinks your an embarrasment and is leaving home after all you had done.

I know its not as simple as that, thats just a scenario, but Im just trying to get you to think outisde the box.

Do you have a house yet from the Social?

Where you living now? Near Dingle at all? Cork/Galway?

wolfpawnat

Peewee_lane wrote: »

Do you have a house yet from the Social?

Where you living now? Near Dingle at all? Cork/Galway?

I live in Dublin, I'm in college so I won't get a house. I am in rented accomodation with my boyfriend and probably will go to his home in Clare for a few weeks to learn to get the baby into a routine before returning to Dublin to live with my boyfriend again, I have to take time off college for the baby, he can't afford to, he's in medicine.

I know no matter what I do, my child will get angry at me some days and I will embarrass it, but I pray I will never make it feel as I have been made feel, as though I am a possession, not a person who's opinions matter

Wagon

First off, congratulations

Now, your sister sounds as bad as your mother. If she's saying you have to get back in touch with your mother when she knows what she did to you then she hasn't got a clue. Like you said it's your child. You seem to be a smart person, so you know what effect your family can have on your child and you have every right to protect your child from that. So don't feel guilty.

My advice is to keep going the way you are, and consider taking a step back from your sister even. You can't reason with people like that, especially if they're your family and I have reletively similar experiances with that too. The only people that can change them are themselves and it's not your responsability, so you can wait for them to grow up and if it never happens explain the situation to your child when they're old enough to understand. Don't feel guilty either, it's your future and you have every right to be happy. Good luck, hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well and then after

LolaDub

Congratulations OP!!!

Having a baby is fantastic but hard and it is more ideal to have family and friends around to support you. I understand you've gone through a terrible time with your mother, would it be possible for you to get in contact with her via email or a letter? In such difficult and highly emotional circumstances perhaps having a record of contact might do you both good? In my experience i have found that babies can really change things. Personally i wouldn't actually meet your mother or talk over the phone etc yet, its too easy to lose the cool and say things you'll regret but i would chance email/letter.

I do wonder if your sister is telling you to get in contact with your mother, is she also saying the same to your mother?

All the best with it Op, congrats again

wolfpawnat

Thank you everyone for your congratulations comments, needless to say because of my young age, I was terrifedat first, but now I am scared but excited! I have no false ideas of it being easy but I am going to do what is right for the baby all the time, even if I would prefer to do something for me, it is my priority 100%.

As for talking to my mother, I had to take legal action to get away in the first place. Funnily enough my boyfriend has warned me that my sister could be trying to use being around me to relay info back to my mother and although he said he doesn't want to try and make me feel totally alone he is saying that for the sake of the baby and my stress levels, if she keeps trying to dictate to me about my son/daughters name and what not I should remove her from my life too!

LolaDub

Op i found when i had my baby that people did spend a lot of time telling me things, as opposed to talking to me. I had a turbulent relationship with my mother pre baby, which has come on immensely since my daughter was born. It wasn't as bad as yours though. Babies tend to bring out something softer in a lot of people. If you had to resort to legal proceedings with your mother then i would definitely make sure you have all contact in writing and perhaps keep it vague. Perhaps just outline that as you're becoming a mother yourself now, you are reflecting on your relationship and xyz of her behaviour are stil very upsetting. Its a very personal situation to be in and i wish you the best of luck in dealing with it

Lollipops23

OP i'm just taking a wild guess here, but the fact that your mother told the authorities that your BF was beating you means that i wouldn't be surprised if she did something similar with the baby, ie call social services with some made-up story. plus she proved she was violent after grabbing you by the throat....i'd stay away from her and your sis tbh. it sounds like your BF is amazingly supportive, you've a good one there!is his family supportive?

wolfpawnat

Lollipops23 wrote: »

OP i'm just taking a wild guess here, but the fact that your mother told the authorities that your BF was beating you means that i wouldn't be surprised if she did something similar with the baby, ie call social services with some made-up story. plus she proved she was violent after grabbing you by the throat....i'd stay away from her and your sis tbh. it sounds like your BF is amazingly supportive, you've a good one there!is his family supportive?

To be honest I have a funny feeling she will call them, but luckily I am spending the first while after the baby is born with his family in their house in County Clare, with his mother and his sister, so yes they are supportive, his sister has a degree, masters and lectures in child psychology in the UK, she is coming over to help me for a while, and is also a trained paediatric nurse so I know I won't be at a total loss.

I feel sorry for my boyfriend, because it is a terrible accusation on any man, and as someone who is studying to be a doctor, being deemed a woman beater can affect his future career prospects. I feel terrible about it all some days because most guys would run a million miles from this, but he is still here and trying to keep a smile on his face even though we both know that at xmas and when our child is born there will be problems.

I am getting texts off my sis saying how after everything I have done to my mother she still wants me home for xmas, I feel as though I would rather have no presents and family at xmas than risk going to that house. I would be locked in and my boyfriend would never be allowed see his child! My mother wants him gone and blames him for my pregnancy.

He was took the pregnancy very badly at the beginning, as students he couldn't see a way forward.But when we got support from his family and our friends he calmed down and has never made me feel as though he would harm me or leave me because of our child.

Lollipops23

wolfpawnat wrote: »

He was took the pregnancy very badly at the beginning, as students he couldn't see a way forward.But when we got support from his family and our friends he calmed down and has never made me feel as though he would harm me or leave me because of our child.

that's a perfectly natural reaction for both of you!no one can criticise you for being terrified and confused,i don't know a couple(even those who PLANNED their babies!) that weren't!the bottom line is, if she can't support you now and put everything behind her then there's little hope for your r/ship. Of all people she should understand how scared you are and how much you don't need stress and upset!

Gareth37

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Right, lets start at the beginning, I was raised by my mum since I was 4, so I alway did what I was told because she was very bossy!

When she decided after her divorce from my father when I was 17 to move from Cork city to Dingle I jut upped and left, in the middle of my leaving cert year, leaving my friends, she never asked my or my sister (3years my junior) our thoughts or ideas, we just obeyed.

I didnt do a great leaving cert and a result I decided to move back to Cork and repeated it in a plc college. There is where I met my boyfriend of 2 years. He had similar likes to me and was the first person to ever make me question my mothers authority.

He came to Dingle one weekend and the whole time my mother kept saying we were destitute and that my father was the root of all evil, while chain smoking, drinking wine as though we owned a vineyard and took us out for meals the entire time in our brand new renault clio. I nearly died of shame!

When he came again for new years, my mother was never home and she ignored him the one afternoon she was there. My boyfriend and I had an argument on new years night, which can happen and my mother accused me of submitting to his every command, he demanded nothing from me for the record.

For my 21st in Feb, I was working in Galway and my bday landed on a friday. I took the day off work to go to Cork to have a family meal with a good friend of ours, I never got to choose where my bday meal was or who was invited. My mother and sister went crazy when I said I wanted my boyfriend of over a year there! We decided to have a sleep in the morning of my bday and to head down in the afternoon, but my boyfriend had a huge nose leed so we were delayed longer than expected, for my whole bday dinner I was not spoken to by my mother and boyfriend was given filthy looks.

Then things really hit the fan, I fell down some of the stairs due to drink and had to be admitted to hospital, my mother rang the hospital and told them my boyfriend was abusive in the relationship and that he pushed me down the stairs!

Then in May I was in Dingle in the family home and because I didnt want to live in Dingle for the summer, my mother locked me into the house and threathened to have me sectioned because I was irrational, because I tried to pushed past her to get to the door with my hands full of my most prized possessions she grabbed me by the head and throat and refused to let me leave, I finally got out and have not returned since.

Now heres the kicker, I am now 6 months pregnant and with the baby on the way I have had my sister saying I HAVE to get in contact with my mother, but with external support I dont need to talk to a woman that made my life a living hell.

Any ideas on what I should do?

You must have a friendship with your mother. Your mother is probably worried about the influence of your boyfriend on you and the maturity of both of you entering into an adult relationship. Now that you are 6 months pregnant outside wedlock would suggest that her concern was well founded. She was trying to protect you with a lot of love for you but you just saw it as interference. You must go to your mother and ask her for her support.

Why do mothers make our lives a living hell?

Because they are wiser about the world than us and don't want to see us making the same mistakes as them or others that they have seen. Am I right?

LolaDub

Gareth37 wrote: »

You must have a friendship with your mother. Your mother is probably worried about the influence of your boyfriend on you and the maturity of both of you entering into an adult relationship. Now that you are 6 months pregnant outside wedlock would suggest that her concern was well founded. She was trying to protect you with a lot of love for you but you just saw it as interference. You must go to your mother and ask her for her support.

Why do mothers make our lives a living hell?

Because they are wiser about the world than us and don't want to see us making the same mistakes as them or others that they have seen. Am I right?

Since when was grabbing someone by the throat and locking them in a house called protection? :rolleyes:

Gareth37

LolaDub wrote: »

Since when was grabbing someone by the throat and locking them in a house called protection? :rolleyes:

Why would she try to keep her if she didn't love her? We all know how arguments get out of hand, especially among people we love and care for. Forgivness is a big ask of most humans I know but surely a mother is precious if you are lucky enough to have one still alive and caring? Im not saying that grabbing your daughter anywhere is a good thing but its not a reason to disown your mother for ever. Thats my opinion anyway.

shellyboo

LolaDub wrote: »

Since when was grabbing someone by the throat and locking them in a house called protection? :rolleyes:

Exactly, Lola.

Gareth37 wrote: »

You must have a friendship with your mother.

No-one 'must' have any sort of relationship with someone who " grabbed them by the head and throat and refused to let them leave". This is child abuse. Why would the OP let a child abuser into her life and home when she has a child on the way?

Gareth37 wrote: »

Now that you are 6 months pregnant outside wedlock would suggest that her concern was well founded.

This has absolutely zero to do with the OP's problem. She's asking for advice on how to deal with her mother, not moralising on her pregnancy.

Gareth37 wrote: »

She was trying to protect you with a lot of love for you but you just saw it as interference. You must go to your mother and ask her for her support.

Please point out in what way, from the OP's post, that her mother protected her in any way, shape or form. Even if she feels that the OP's boyfriend is a bad influence, the minute she resorted to violence, she gave up any right to have a part in her child, or her grandchild's life.

Gareth37 wrote: »

Because they are wiser about the world than us and don't want to see us making the same mistakes as them or others that they have seen. Am I right?

No, you're not. I have trouble with the idea that just because my elders are more experienced at life than me, that they are correct and justified in all and any behaviour they exhibit.

Big Knox

Gareth37 wrote: »

You must have a friendship with your mother. Your mother is probably worried about the influence of your boyfriend on you and the maturity of both of you entering into an adult relationship. Now that you are 6 months pregnant outside wedlock would suggest that her concern was well founded. She was trying to protect you with a lot of love for you but you just saw it as interference. You must go to your mother and ask her for her support.

Why do mothers make our lives a living hell?

Because they are wiser about the world than us and don't want to see us making the same mistakes as them or others that they have seen. Am I right?

Sorry to burst your bubble where mothers can never be wrong but your actually so far from being right it sickens me. Wake up man, your livin in a dream world. Not every mother is mother theresa. :rolleyes:

Wibbs

Gareth37 wrote: »

Why would she try to keep her if she didn't love her?

That right there is a very big mistake people make. It's also a very naive view. People will keep/control others because of their own selfish needs every single day. I would even say that most emotions masquerading as love are based in self centeredness. Real love lets go, it doesn't seek to keep. By letting go I don't mean passively either. The mother could have actively helped the OP in so many more loving and helpful ways. She didnt. Is it the mothers fault? Not always. People too often never learn, no matter what age they are.

Gareth37

Big Knox wrote: »

Sorry to burst your bubble where mothers can never be wrong but your actually so far from being right it sickens me. Wake up man, your livin in a dream world. Not every mother is mother theresa. :rolleyes:

Thats a fair point and you are right. Society has replaced family with money/image/sex.

However, in this case her sister has asked her to make friends with her mother. Now, if her sister has given this advice then how could me or you go against this.

If every child left their parents based on an argument like this then there would be none of us with parents. I cannot remember how many arguments I had with my parents and some times they stopped me walking out. Now looking back, a bit wiser, I say: I was very immature, they did it because they cared and I should have listened to their advice a bit more. But of course I thought I knew better

I think this whole "locked in a room" has been blown out of all proportion.

Wibbs

Gareth37 wrote: »

Thats a fair point and you are right. Society has replaced family with money/image/sex.

OK but if you have an issue with society as a whole or need to make moral or spiritual judgements please take it to another forum. May I suggest humanities or one of the spiritual fora. Debate on the nature of society or overt spirituality is not for here. Thanks

Gareth37

shellyboo wrote: »

No-one 'must' have any sort of relationship with someone who " grabbed them by the head and throat and refused to let them leave". This is child abuse. Why would the OP let a child abuser into her life and home when she has a child on the way?

Yes, but don't you given people a 2nd chance? Im sure her mother doesn't do this all the time, she did it in a heated argument to stop her daughter walking out of her life. Child abuse, what age was her daughter?

shellyboo wrote: »

This has absolutely zero to do with the OP's problem. She's asking for advice on how to deal with her mother, not moralising on her pregnancy.

Im just saying that her mother seen trouble ahead.

shellyboo wrote: »

Please point out in what way, from the OP's post, that her mother protected her in any way, shape or form. Even if she feels that the OP's boyfriend is a bad influence, the minute she resorted to violence, she gave up any right to have a part in her child, or her grandchild's life.

One mistake and thats it for life? :eek: You never fought with your brothers?

shellyboo wrote: »

No, you're not. I have trouble with the idea that just because my elders are more experienced at life than me, that they are correct and justified in all and any behaviour they exhibit.

No, but you calm down and then talk it over with the elder who did you wrong. Surely this is the mature way to do things? At least go back, sit down calmly and point out why you have major problems with what they did and ask them for an explanation.

Wibbs wrote: »

That right there is a very big mistake people make. It's also a very naive view. People will keep/control others because of their own selfish needs every single day. I would even say that most emotions masquerading as love are based in self centeredness. Real love lets go, it doesn't seek to keep. By letting go I don't mean passively either. The mother could have actively helped the OP in so many more loving and helpful ways. She didnt. Is it the mothers fault? Not always. People too often never learn, no matter what age they are.

I don't know of many parents who ever want their offspring to disappear. Maybe chickens but certainly not humans. Most parents do let go but they always want to be part of their children's lives because they care.

wolfpawnat

Gareth37 wrote: »

You must have a friendship with your mother. Your mother is probably worried about the influence of your boyfriend on you and the maturity of both of you entering into an adult relationship. Now that you are 6 months pregnant outside wedlock would suggest that her concern was well founded. She was trying to protect you with a lot of love for you but you just saw it as interference. You must go to your mother and ask her for her support.

Why do mothers make our lives a living hell?

Because they are wiser about the world than us and don't want to see us making the same mistakes as them or others that they have seen. Am I right?

Eh, all I can say is congrats on being lucky enough to have a nice mum, but no, your wrong!

My pregnancy came after the fighting and my mother has gotten pregnant outside of marriage and believe me she hadnt the guts to accept her mistakes, at least I dont press the erase button on my mistakes.

You are lucky that you obviously dont know what I and others have had to go through in life.

My mother may be older than me physically but mentally she is a spoiled child! She made up stories to officials, family and friends to make her seen like the victim in every aspect of her life,
Her dad beat her, My dad beat her, she's poor, I make her life hell, she gets fired as a scape goat, etc no1 is that bloody unfortunate!

If you think violence in anyones life is acceptable then I fear for any woman that goes near you.

Gareth37

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Eh, all I can say is congrats on being lucky enough to have a nice mum, but no, your wrong!

My pregnancy came after the fighting and my mother has gotten pregnant outside of marriage and believe me she hadnt the guts to accept her mistakes, at least I dont press the erase button on my mistakes.

You are lucky that you obviously dont know what I and others have had to go through in life.

My mother may be older than me physically but mentally she is a spoiled child! She made up stories to officials, family and friends to make her seen like the victim in every aspect of her life,
Her dad beat her, My dad beat her, she's poor, I make her life hell, she gets fired as a scape goat, etc no1 is that bloody unfortunate!

If you think violence in anyones life is acceptable then I fear for any woman that goes near you.

Ive never hit a woman in my life and very few men, just a few in a heated argument.

Yes I am lucky.

But what harm is there in at least sitting down with your mother and calmly pointing these things out one by one? Maybe you have done this already? Then make your mind up, after getting firm answers from your mother on each issue. If your sister is telling you to make it up with your mother then surely you may consider talking things out with your mother before deciding on a very important decision?

Im not saying to pretend everything is ok but just to talk about things and see how it goes? Just talk, surely this cannot be that bad. If you still feel the same after it then you walk away or am I missing something here

Wibbs

Gareth37 wrote: »

Yes, but don't you given people a 2nd chance? Im sure her mother doesn't do this all the time, she did it in a heated argument to stop her daughter walking out of her life.

From what the OP wrote(of course we're only getting one side of the story) the OP's mother has an issue with the boyfriend(as does her sister), an issue with the OP's father, apparently likes a gargle(like the OP I might add, falling down stairs etc), lies to medical staff about the OP's partner beating the daughter, threatens to have her sectioned and then restrains her by choking. Not really healthy Ted, is it? Not the kind of person one would overly trust to make value judgements anyway.

Child abuse, what age was her daughter?

That much I agree with. The OP's an adult now.

Im just saying that her mother seen trouble ahead.

Cop on. Your moral guidelines while being fine for you, do not a general guideline make.

One mistake and thats it for life? :eek: You never fought with your brothers?

As I pointed out before, her mother seems to be emotionally unhealthy by the OP's view of this.

No, but you calm down and then talk it over with the elder who did you wrong. Surely this is the mature way to do things? At least go back, sit down calmly and point out why you have major problems with what they did and ask them for an explanation.

That's fine if you're dealing with an "elder" who is worthy of the title. Somebody who is open and emotionally balanced and healthy. This does not sound like such a person.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm 41, I'm quite sure I'm much older than you. I know people very well who are considered well balanced by all and sundry, who are upstanding members of society in the neighbourhood and the pew and they ignore their children and their wives and worse. Hate to break it to you age is no guarantee of wisdom. Just the facade of it.

I don't know of many parents who ever want their offspring to disappear. Maybe chickens but certainly not humans. Most parents do let go but they always want to be part of their children's lives because they care.

You are missing the point entirely. It's not about disappearance. It's about acceptance. It's about healthy dialogue, it's about not thinking of self all the time. It's about letting go, yet being there. Big diff.

Nevyn

Some times people are just too toxic to have in your life.
And while you can forgive then there is only so many times you can turn the other cheek
there comes a time when for your own good and in the OP's case for also the good of the
child she is carrying that you have to not have them in your life.

wolfpawnat

Gareth37 wrote: »

However, in this case her sister has asked her to make friends with her mother. Now, if her sister has given this advice then how could me or you go against this.

I think this whole "locked in a room" has been blown out of all proportion.

I was locked into the house not a room. And yes I had to call the gardai to get out and thankfully my mother was stupid enough to still have the door locked when they arrived.

If you read my original posts, this wasnt a once off thing, I kept goinng back again and again thinking she had calmed don, but it only got worse. It was not something I did brashly, I didnt even go straight to my boyfriend, I took a few days to think about what had happened before even going to him

Gareth37

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I was locked into the house not a room. And yes I had to call the gardai to get out and thankfully my mother was stupid enough to still have the door locked when they arrived.

If you read my original posts, this wasnt a once off thing, I kept goinng back again and again thinking she had calmed don, but it only got worse. It was not something I did brashly, I didnt even go straight to my boyfriend, I took a few days to think about what had happened before even going to him

I didn't realise that she abused you on a regular basis. Im very sorry to hear this.

I hope things work out for you so that you are at least happy with the situation.

Best wishes with your child btw

shellyboo

Gareth37 wrote: »

Yes, but don't you given people a 2nd chance? Im sure her mother doesn't do this all the time, she did it in a heated argument to stop her daughter walking out of her life.

Not when violence is involved, no. If this was a man who'd grabbed her, would you still be condoning it? I most certainly hope not.

Gareth37 wrote: »

One mistake and thats it for life? :eek: You never fought with your brothers?

One violent mistake, yes. Violence is never, ever acceptable. And she's been enduring mental abuse from her mother for years.

Have I fought with my brother? Actually, no. Perhaps over the TV remote, but never to the extent where he grabbed me and lock me up?I have never fought with anyone to that extent, least of all my brother.

Gareth37 wrote: »

If your sister is telling you to make it up with your mother then surely you may consider talking things out with your mother before deciding on a very important decision?

I think this is pretty irresponsible advice. I don't think that at 6 months pregnant she should be going near anyone who has physically abused her in the past, it's risky to say the least. Even if her mother doesn't attack her again, it's bound to result in a huge argument, and I'm sure the OP doesn't need the stress.

The OP's mother made a really heinous mistake in lashing out against her daughter. The OP has no obligation to forgive her... the onus is on her mother to make it up to her. But if the OP wants nothing to do with her, then that's her right.

Lollipops23

[QUOTE=Gareth37;58113351

Why do mothers make our lives a living hell?

Because they are wiser about the world than us and don't want to see us making the same mistakes as them or others that they have seen. Am I right?[/QUOTE]

just because they gave birth does not make them wise

there are plenty of parents/older people who are stupid,ignorant and naive. how can someone decide that just beacause they brought a child into the world does not make them infallible!

LolaDub

Generally i think people try to put their best foot forward when they become parents. Unfortunately some people fail and at the end of the day all parents are still human. I find it hard to see how your mother still believes herself to be in the right? Surely she knows deep down what she did was wrong especially as the gardai had to get you out of the house. Do you have any reason to think she may have changed?

jim o doom

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Right, lets start at the beginning, I was raised by my mum since I was 4, so I alway did what I was told because she was very bossy!

When she decided after her divorce from my father when I was 17 to move from Cork city to Dingle I jut upped and left, in the middle of my leaving cert year, leaving my friends, she never asked my or my sister (3years my junior) our thoughts or ideas, we just obeyed.

I didnt do a great leaving cert and a result I decided to move back to Cork and repeated it in a plc college. There is where I met my boyfriend of 2 years. He had similar likes to me and was the first person to ever make me question my mothers authority.

He came to Dingle one weekend and the whole time my mother kept saying we were destitute and that my father was the root of all evil, while chain smoking, drinking wine as though we owned a vineyard and took us out for meals the entire time in our brand new renault clio. I nearly died of shame!

When he came again for new years, my mother was never home and she ignored him the one afternoon she was there. My boyfriend and I had an argument on new years night, which can happen and my mother accused me of submitting to his every command, he demanded nothing from me for the record.

For my 21st in Feb, I was working in Galway and my bday landed on a friday. I took the day off work to go to Cork to have a family meal with a good friend of ours, I never got to choose where my bday meal was or who was invited. My mother and sister went crazy when I said I wanted my boyfriend of over a year there! We decided to have a sleep in the morning of my bday and to head down in the afternoon, but my boyfriend had a huge nose leed so we were delayed longer than expected, for my whole bday dinner I was not spoken to by my mother and boyfriend was given filthy looks.

Then things really hit the fan, I fell down some of the stairs due to drink and had to be admitted to hospital, my mother rang the hospital and told them my boyfriend was abusive in the relationship and that he pushed me down the stairs!

Then in May I was in Dingle in the family home and because I didnt want to live in Dingle for the summer, my mother locked me into the house and threathened to have me sectioned because I was irrational, because I tried to pushed past her to get to the door with my hands full of my most prized possessions she grabbed me by the head and throat and refused to let me leave, I finally got out and have not returned since.

Now heres the kicker, I am now 6 months pregnant and with the baby on the way I have had my sister saying I HAVE to get in contact with my mother, but with external support I dont need to talk to a woman that made my life a living hell.

Any ideas on what I should do?

The way I see it is this - stay away from the abusive & controlling mother, COMPLETELY. Cut off contact entirely, she has obviously got problems of her own, something you DO NOT need foisted upon your child (prior or post birth). If you do want to let her know at any stage, about the child - I would at the very least wait until after the child is born. Also, one thing that would concern me - if she is mentally unstable enough to attack you & dislikes your boyfriend so much, she might try to stop you leaving with the child, were you to visit her - not a situation you want. If you do decide to meet her (once again pre or post baby), do it with your boyfriend or some other strong male support who can defend you if need be. Really though, I would just stay well away. oh and I wish you the best with the new baby:)

wolfpawnat

LolaDub wrote: »

Do you have any reason to think she may have changed?

Truthfully no, I know everytime I post I make her sound even worse! She used to get Private Investigators on my father and I know I may be paranoid but my boyfriend and I notice that a few times we would be in different places and this one man is there so we think she may be sending one after us too!

We would be playing golf and one part of the course is near the road and a Cork reg car would wait there until we left - we were in Clare.
Another day the man from that car was in Jurys in Limerick while we were there.
We would be going for a walk and a man would walk behind us the whole time, am I paranoid or something!?

LolaDub

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Truthfully no, I know everytime I post I make her sound even worse! She used to get Private Investigators on my father and I know I may be paranoid but my boyfriend and I notice that a few times we would be in different places and this one man is there so we think she may be sending one after us too!

We would be playing golf and one part of the course is near the road and a Cork reg car would wait there until we left - we were in Clare.
Another day the man from that car was in Jurys in Limerick while we were there.
We would be going for a walk and a man would walk behind us the whole time, am I paranoid or something!?

How is your relationship with your sister? Would you be able to honestly ask her?

jim o doom

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Truthfully no, I know everytime I post I make her sound even worse! She used to get Private Investigators on my father and I know I may be paranoid but my boyfriend and I notice that a few times we would be in different places and this one man is there so we think she may be sending one after us too!

We would be playing golf and one part of the course is near the road and a Cork reg car would wait there until we left - we were in Clare.
Another day the man from that car was in Jurys in Limerick while we were there.
We would be going for a walk and a man would walk behind us the whole time, am I paranoid or something!?

Well from the sounds of it (and especially concerning because she used the same tactic against your dad) - I wouldn't be particularily surprised if she was using an investigator. I would consider contacting the police about an invasion of privacy & harrasment. Take down the details of the number plate, report to the police - the fact that they had to intervene to get you out of your mothers house previously, is also on your side. There is a slim chance you are being paranoid (with all the madness you have had to deal with so far) - but you realise that you could possibly be being paranoid; this makes it more likely (in my mind) that you are being tailed. It sounds like a horrible situation - but you seem to be handling it well; take anything under advisement before action is taken

Victor

If you aren't the original psoter, can I ask people to not hog the thread.

wolfpawnat

I hate it. I am trying to get on with my life but I actually have to watch my back physically everyday. I just want to live a normal life. even though I may just be being parnoid because of previous experiences, it is putting alot of strain on me.

My boyfriend and his family get very pissed off at the thought that they may be being watched when I am around, which I can understand completely. I hate it myself.

SpookyDoll

You need to totally cut your Mother out of your life, she is a toxic lunatic.

Get a restraining order against her if you have to and use the law to show her she cannot stalk you or harass you in any way.

Be strong and stand firm, dont feed into her drama whatever you do.

Never allow anyone else to control you or make decisions for you.

Read "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life"

[Jackass]

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Right, lets start at the beginning, I was raised by my mum since I was 4, so I alway did what I was told because she was very bossy!

When she decided after her divorce from my father when I was 17 to move from Cork city to Dingle I jut upped and left, in the middle of my leaving cert year, leaving my friends, she never asked my or my sister (3years my junior) our thoughts or ideas, we just obeyed.

I didnt do a great leaving cert and a result I decided to move back to Cork and repeated it in a plc college. There is where I met my boyfriend of 2 years. He had similar likes to me and was the first person to ever make me question my mothers authority.

He came to Dingle one weekend and the whole time my mother kept saying we were destitute and that my father was the root of all evil, while chain smoking, drinking wine as though we owned a vineyard and took us out for meals the entire time in our brand new renault clio. I nearly died of shame!

When he came again for new years, my mother was never home and she ignored him the one afternoon she was there. My boyfriend and I had an argument on new years night, which can happen and my mother accused me of submitting to his every command, he demanded nothing from me for the record.

For my 21st in Feb, I was working in Galway and my bday landed on a friday. I took the day off work to go to Cork to have a family meal with a good friend of ours, I never got to choose where my bday meal was or who was invited. My mother and sister went crazy when I said I wanted my boyfriend of over a year there! We decided to have a sleep in the morning of my bday and to head down in the afternoon, but my boyfriend had a huge nose leed so we were delayed longer than expected, for my whole bday dinner I was not spoken to by my mother and boyfriend was given filthy looks.

Then things really hit the fan, I fell down some of the stairs due to drink and had to be admitted to hospital, my mother rang the hospital and told them my boyfriend was abusive in the relationship and that he pushed me down the stairs!

Then in May I was in Dingle in the family home and because I didnt want to live in Dingle for the summer, my mother locked me into the house and threathened to have me sectioned because I was irrational, because I tried to pushed past her to get to the door with my hands full of my most prized possessions she grabbed me by the head and throat and refused to let me leave, I finally got out and have not returned since.

Now heres the kicker, I am now 6 months pregnant and with the baby on the way I have had my sister saying I HAVE to get in contact with my mother, but with external support I dont need to talk to a woman that made my life a living hell.

Any ideas on what I should do?

She's a fu*king loon man. What else is there to say? Do you seriously want that sh*t in your childs life?

wolfpawnat

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Get a restraining order against her if you have to and use the law to show her she cannot stalk you or harass you in any way.

Be strong and stand firm, dont feed into her drama whatever you do

Oh god she loves her drama. anything that makes her look like a victim is always good in her books.

Question can you actually get a restraining order without any physical proof of them harming you, there was never any bruises, but that doesnt mean I havent had problems. also I still have the names of the gardai I spoke to regarding her on different occasions.

estar

you dont necessarily need a relationship with your mother. it would be nice in a different situation to have her around to support you, but it seems like your mother is like a mother of a friend of mine. my friend is now happy as anything in australia. i take it you are now over 18, therefore its now time to take some space, and break the cycle of going back for more emotional and physical abuse.

my friends mother spent all her life controlling her, putting her down, playing the sympathy card, sabotagin opportunities with her needs, and my friend dealt with this through hurting herself and putting up with it. then she met a strong man, who took her away, thank god, and she is now thriving, and only has phone contact with her mother.

many people don't have regular in your face contact wity family. why do you think so many people emigrate.

you have spent all your life dealing with a big baby. now you will only have to deal with a little one.

put yourself first. dont let guilt be something that affects you. put your face to the road and keep on walking.

maybe some day you will be able to be in contact again, but only when they know so little of you their opinion is no longer valid.

you need space time and determination to make this happen.

would your father support you, or want contact? he if he knows what she is like and is reliable could be a really good ally?

wolfpawnat

I have no real relationship with either parent, I have been brought up mostly by my uncle, he is the one to teach me right from wrong and he is the one that has always been there for me.

Both my parents see me and the baby as a feck load of benefits payments. This bsby to them is a euro sign, not a child. My dad nearly got a train to Dub because I said I was having the baby here and not in Cork like he wanted. He rather his wife in the delivery ward with me than my boyfriend.