Think I've lost my fiancee

LegacyUser

I don't want to put too much detail in this but I don't think I've much choice so excuse the length. I know some people are going to judge me, some laugh but just hoping maybe one or two can give me a perspective on how to save a relationship I've damaged maybe beyond repair.

Basically I've been with this girl that I love deeply for the last few years. Prior to meeting her I had a troubled past, and somehow during that time became obsessed (for want of a better word) with porn. Not just regular porn, but porn specifically dealing with transgendered subjects. I'd wondered about it before I met her why I had a fascination with it, so much so I eventually bit the bullet and decided to met up with one while backpacking in Thailand to see if it was my thing.

Being a complete idiot I took a few photos of us together, don't know why, was drunk and thought it would be fun. I admit I didn't hate it, s/he was very feminine and attractive as well as a nice person. Afterwards the next day though I wondered what all the fuss was about in my head and felt strangely relieved in a way that the fascination had been dealt with.

Now comes the really stupid part, I had saved the photos plus a lot of porn on my old pc and more or less forgot about it, I've no idea why as I looked at them once and that was it.
I meet my fiancee about a year after coming back from travelling and after a while things progressed and she moved in.

One night she found the images, not too hard as they weren't hidden away really, just in an innocuous folder on my hard drive. She was understandably shocked and really upset, asked if I was gay or bisexual. I'd previously thought about this based on the porn I found erotic and answered categorically no to both.

After a lot of explaining about finding it erotic in some weird way but something that was behind me she eventually decided to stay with me. About a year after this we were engaged.

Roll on a few years to last month. I got home really late after a night out with the boys, was really hammered through wine and a joint or two I smoked with friends (used to smoke a lot of years ago, don't have the head for it anymore), she was asleep. Went into one of the spare rooms to turn on the pc to stream a movie to watch downstairs and checked my mail while I was there. Don't know why I did as I was having trouble focusing at that stage. Anyway there was a mail from a site I used to frequent before I met her, they used to send mail but this was the first I got in years. I opened it and there was a lot of graphic transgendered images, stupidly clicked on one which opened full size in a new window just as she walked into the room after I woke her up stumbling up the stairs.

I was too drunk to explain what had happened and she stormed out of the room which is fair enough. The next evening we talked about it, I explained what had happened (couldn't explain why I clicked on the image rather than just deleting it), and she sort of accepted my explanation though I know she didn't really believe it. She's brought it up a few times over the last few weeks but I'd shied away from it as I found it too embarrassing and felt to uncomfortable to talk about it. I should have as it was bothering her, I know that.

Finally it came to the weekend before this, I was at home for two nights on my own. The second evening I had a few beers watching the footie, when that finished I decided to have a glass of wine watching a film. I had some hash a neighbour had given me months ago, enough for two joints so decided to smoke it. It was my undoing as before I knew it I was on a bender which went until 10.30am the following morning.

Woke up at noon with fuzzy memories of the last few hours and vowed thats it, I am not drinking in the house again, and never smoking hash which seems to send me into hyper drive as I can't sleep etc.

Monday morning going through my personal mail in work and a email stating successful registration on Gaydar is there. WTF? Then a vague memory of surfing on Sunday morning comes back along with a sinking feeling. I delete it straight away and feel disgusted with myself, why would I do that? I know people can be gay and repress it trying to be straight but I know that's not me. I love her and don't know why I would do such a thing.

Anyway a few nights later she calls me into the pc room, I come in and see my email account which I was still logged into from earlier is open on the deleted folder with this registration mail sitting there. She is going mental understandably as I feebly say it must be spam, I know, I'm a liar, and I don't lie as I hate it. I don't know how to explain I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing, or how that could be seen as an excuse.

Worse followed though in my sent folder, there was a one line response from me with my phone number to a guys email saying interested in meeting up, text me.

I honestly don't know why I would do that, I've never done something like that before, and if I got a call I wouldn't know what to do. The idea of meeting a random stranger, male or female for casual sex is not my thing at all, so it was completely out of character for me to do this.

However there was no denying it, my phone number was there in black and white and I just didn't know what to say. How could I, I couldn't even remember writing the damn thing! If I was seriously contemplating going behind her back with someone else (which I have never done or would do), I would have at least hidden the evidence and not given out my number, which I regularly get her to read the texts coming into me if I'm busy.

So she asked me to leave, I did and slept on a friends couch. She again understandably wouldn't answer my calls, told me I've ruined everything in answer to my texts and said the wedding is off. She also called her family saying this time she had to talk to someone, she couldn't keep it to herself any longer. I understand that as this is my hometown not hers so she doesn't have any really close friends close, besides how can you tell a friend this?
I'm now back home, went to work the day after I was kicked out and asked for a leave of absence, came home as quick as I could hoping to talk to her but she was gone. She's gone home to her families place, she said she'll text me next week to tell me a day to be out of the house so she can collect her things.

I've tried explaining that I love her and only her, how can I though when I can't explain why I do this sh*t when I'm drunk, not remembering it is no excuse, it's almost worse as who's to say I haven't before?

I've said I'll give up drinking in the house, or altogether, I'll go to counselling, I'll never smoke another joint as they definitely don't agree with me, I go nuts etc. I'll do anything basically to not lose her. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and I repay her by sending random mail to strangers. It doesn't matter that I say there's no way it would have gone further (which is true, one thing writing a drunken mail at 10am, another being unfaithful to her), it doesn't matter that I say it's the only time I've ever done that, as far as she is concerned I've already been unfaithful, maybe not physically, but that doesn't change things.

Please note I am not a bast*rd despite what a few (or many) will think, up until this she said I am the best thing that's ever happened to her, I know she loves me very much (sometimes I think too much as she hates to be apart for even a night), she has also said she has never been so happy when she met me. I am good to her, I do things for her all the time, support her etc, basically everything an attentive loving husband/boyfriend should be, and not because I should be, but because I just am with her.


Sorry for such a long mail, but I know from experience on this board that detail however hard and uncomfortable it is to give, is the only way to get clear and unbiased advice.

Thank You

Karen_*

You don't sound like a bastard at all but you've done alot of things 'accidentally' and while drunk. I guess its not too much of a comfort to the girl that you're vowing to give up drink. People do think that the truth comes out when you're drunk.

If you've an interest in men whether transgendered or not then its not something you can deal with using counselling. Its probably just part of who you are and its up to your girlfriend to accept that on the understanding that you will never act on it or be unfaithful to her. Just like you wouldn't be unfaithful with another woman.

You're not very devisive or you wouldn't keep leaving things for her to see. She must be gutted and I do see it from her point of view to be honest. Again, you wouldn't expect her to be understanding if you were registering and mailing women on dating sites.

Definately lay off the booze and maybe get rid of your PC. Go offline. And keep trying to talk to her. Don't keep pleading that you've no clue why you'd do these things when drunk. It sounds very lame. You're doing them so take responsibility and deal with what's going on for you. If you've got things to accept then face them. Face them and know whats going on instead of pleading ignorance and druneness because they don't wash. Your girlfriend needs your honesty if she's to ever trust you again.

Peewee_lane

Look OP, I don't think I'll ever forget the pain of when I found gay pictures on my ex's laptop. I sobbed my eyes out and his replies were just like yours.

He also went looking for it, like you said, out of fascination and had his you know what sucked by some queer in town and he returned the favour.

My point is, I now pity 'people' like you, particularly men because its not cool in our society to be out and proud about being gay or bi, but women are hot together.

I think you were so selfish for doing what you did. If its not a childish fantasy anymore then you need to address it, if it is a childish fantasy and thats all it was then for gods sake learn some self control. Dont blame it on the hash.

StalkerBoy

*deleted*

Darragh29

If ever there was an reason to throw out a PC, I think you've found it. It sounds to be honest like you are your own worst enemy OP.

EKRIUQ

I don't think anyone thinks you sound like a bastard, but you have to realise what your girlfriend is going through right now, she’s caught you 3 times so she’s multiplying this by 10 in her head and as your engaged she’s thinking of the long term the rest of her life. Maybe you need a break and then you can find yourself its not going to do anyone any favours by just burying your head in the sand.

Mr. Incognito

You can't keep blaming EVERYTHING on hash and smoke etc.

Take some responsibility man.

Saying things like "It's not my character etc. is billsh*t", It obviously is or you wouldn't have done that.

It sounds to me like you're bi but that's a non issue- you went trawling for casual sex and you got your comeuppance. Sorry man.

SpookyDoll

Look, the mistake you are making is trying to bury your tendancies.

You have to start accepting who you are, that is a bisexual man who has a fetish for transgenders. Hope I have that right.

Get out of denial, you pre-amble every thing that "happened" with I drank this, smoked that, clicked on something etc etc
Its not all just "happening" YOU are doing it.

There is nothing wrong with it, there is nothing wrong with YOU for doing it or wanting to do it.

What IS wrong, very very wrong is remaining in a heterosexual relationship with a woman when you know well this will never be enough for you.

Stop messing the woman about and making all these stupid "vows" to change and never do it again. You are going to do it again, all your life.

Its there, hard wired into you, the only mistake you can make is to think you can deny it and waste this womans time any more.

That is the sin here, nothing else.

AngryBadger

OP you don't sound like an asshole. In your past you've explored aspects of your sexuality, this was before your current partner, so it doesn't concern her. Granted maybe not the smartest thing in the world to leave pictures like that lying around (for any number of unrelated reasons), but still I don't think she has any grounds getting sore about this.

The other two instances; personally I don't see a major fowl here. Everyone has their own opinion, but I tend to look on people interacting online as a slightly more involved kind of pornography, 99 % of the time when people are unattached it comes to nothing anyway. So personally I think your partner is over-reacting.

However, there is an issue which Spookydoll has mentioned. Are you sure you've address, identified, and accepted whatever sexual tendencies you have? If you have then I think your fiancee is over-reacting. If, however, there's any doubt in yoru head about what you're into, then you need to explore that, both for yourself, and for your partner. It's not fair to either of you if you're with her, but on some level you want to be with someone else.

All in all I don't see your behaviour as anything serious, clearly you need to watch the drinking/smoking, not taking the moral high ground there as I've been known to get stupidly drunk myself more frequently than I'd care to admit.

Give yourself a break, try and talk to your partner, as you've been doing, and sort your head out.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. About the casual sex, no I've never had or will, all I have done is act out a fantasy online, it's bad enough though I wasn't planning on going anywhere with it. Sending a stupid one line mail with my phone number attached is the furtherest I've ever gone.

Looked I'm unregged here so no reason to lie, and I'm not lying to myself either, or repressing feelings etc. I no longer have doubts as to my sexuality, what SpookyDoll says would make perfect sense if I did and I agree, it would be wasting her time if that was my leanings.
I used to wonder why I was interested in transgenders, and if them why not men?
The thing is though I may have looked at them online the very odd time, it has never gone further than that apart from the one time I mentioned when in Thailand.

I was perfectly happy in a hetrosexual relationship, I could never see myself being interested in any other kind. The thought of it is alien to me. When SpookyDoll says it will never be enough for me, does that apply to married guys who buy Playboy or look at hetro porno online or is it just to those who don't get turned on as much by "normal" porn?


And I'm not trying to blame drink/hash, what I meant there is this and the time a month ago when I opened a mail knowing the contents are the only two times in over a year that I've done this. I had on two seperate occasions since we lived together, on both of which I was alone and drunk looked at pics as well. I've never done it sober, which is why I said I'd give up drink if that's what happens, and stop going online in the middle of the night.

Previous to going to Thailand it had got ridiculous and that's when I started wondering am I hetro/homo or bi? I think I can safely say now that I am hetro, but unfortunately very rarely have looked at transger sites, and of course that stupid mail.

Anyway talking about it seems to be fairly redundant at this stage, she's told her whole family, not sure what she said but they think I need to come to terms with liking men.

I've tried explaining to her that I don't, it was getting turned on for a few seconds typing a one line mail saying would you like to meet and then passing out. But that's all it is, it's getting turned out very briefly and then forgotten about. She is the one that constantly turns me on, and the only one I can picture myself with, put a woman let alone a man in her place and I feel ill.

Sounds like you're in a terrible situation which you certainly do not deserve.

You're not blaming alcohol or cannabis which is good, but when one is intoxicated one's subconscious tends to come to the surface and things which have been buried for a long time may re-emerge by themselves. Obviously this is not your fault either - all you can do to prevent this is to give them up.

The meeting up e-mail, if I were in her position, I would need some time to get over. While it may seem harmless to you (and objectively it is harmless as you have no desire to leave her or cheat on her, it just turned you on for a brief moment) she perceives it as a threat. This is fair enough in a relationship. Emotions tend not to adhere to logic or reason.

I think she's being a bit of a twat with regards to the pictures though. Even if you regularly looked at that genre of porn, why does it matter? Everyone has at least one taboo fetish and whoever claims otherwise is lying. Instead of being scared or upset she could be far more understanding.

Judging from responses here, most people seem to think that you should leave this woman as you're wasting her time etc. Bollocks. If you have even a slight present liking for transsexuals then you should be open to your partner about it. It doesn't mean you're gay or even bi - it certainly sounds to me as though you aren't.

If she cannot accept your past experiences with it and the fact that buried deep down you might still have a tendency to like it, then what's the point in being with her? What if she were bisexual? Maybe you'd feel a little threatened with having an entire other gender to compete with but would you break down over it? I'm pretty sure the answer is no.

TheZohanS

It sounds as if you're either gay or bisexual but you haven't realised it yet.

Anyone can make a mistake when drunk or under the influence but you're doing the same thing over and over again...doesn't sound like a mistake at all.

You need to sit yourself down and have a big long talk with yourself.

SpookyDoll

Hmmm, ok are you sure you are not just taking the dissappointment in yourself and turning it into hatred for your preferences, due to the situation.

At the moment, of course you are filled with regret and despising yourself and those fateful things you did, so your denial and self disgust are at their strongest.....

But say now for example, this all got sorted and you two got back together, well, its a long life ahead, wont those desires come up again...

I mean, you were with a fella in Thailand.....that seems a step further than curiousity to me.....?

Pub07

100% heterosexual men don't go looking up gay porn and subscribing to gaydar or whatever its called when they come home drunk....or go to Thailand and have sex with a ladyboy. It would not occur to you to even contemplate stuff like if you were fully straight. You are at the very least bisexual or else gay and in denial about it.

AngryBadger

ashamed fool wrote: »

Anyway talking about it seems to be fairly redundant at this stage, she's told her whole family, not sure what she said but they think I need to come to terms with liking men.

OP in my view THIS is a far greater transgression on her part. If you're with her this length of time and yet this is how she reacts to what is nothing more than a stupid faux-pas then how's she going to react when a serious problem arises? And why is she telling her whole family about this? It doesn't involve her whole family, it involves her, and you, end of story.

I realise you've been with this person a long time and so you have a lot invested in the relationship, but I'd be inclined to review things if this is her way of dealing with problems.

shellyboo

SpookyDoll wrote: »

I mean, you were with a fella in Thailand.....that seems a step further than curiousity to me.....?

There's a difference between having sexual interest in someone of transgender or the opposite sex and being gay/bisexual. Think of the hundreds of thousands of women out there who've had sex with other women - are people going around asking them to question their sexuality? No. Is anyone telling them that they're deceiving their partners by staying in a heterosexual relationship? I think not.

The OP has stated that he couldn't fathom being in a relationship with anyone but a woman - this is what makes him straight. There is a stigma attached to same-sex intimacy if you're a man that simply does not exist for women. It's a very pervasive double standard. Guy-on-guy equals gay, but girl-on-girl just equals hot. Not exactly fair, is it?

The OP has a fetish for transsexuals, that's clear. He explored this once in Thailand, and seems to have no desire to do it again. He fulfils this fetish through porn. Imho, he's handled it extremely well, and problems only arose when he tried to hide this from his OH.

OP, you need to start being honest with yourself. This is a desire that's never going to go away, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You just need to ensure that your fetish doesn't lead you to hurt your partner, and that involves establishing some really hard boundaries about what is and is not acceptable for her - but that means you have to be honest with her, accept your mistake, and try to talk it through.

Unfortunately, she may not be the kind of person who is open-minded enough to deal with your fetish.

SpookyDoll

Well, what is she supposed to do Angry Badger, be complicit in her own stitching up?
Be quiet and accepting like a good little girl?

Totally sacrifice her own needs for comfort in favour of his needs for privacy? Why? Why would she bother?

He's totally deceived her, she has a right to speak to people -her head must be melted, ok its not ideal that his private preferences are known by a bunch of strangers, but she hardly has much choice, something like this would knock anyone for six. So in the larger shceme there aint much point in going on about the splinter in her eye and ignoring the log in his.

I dont think so. Its too big an ask, she's had a massive shock, I think you are trivialising it Angry Badger, attack being the best form of defence or whatever, I wouldn't buy that and she evidently hasn't either.

SpookyDoll

Think of the hundreds of thousands of women out there who've had sex with other women - are people going around asking them to question their sexuality?

Well, they aren't going around saying we are straight when they obviously aren't, so theres a difference.

I think the stigma thing has to be left to one side in all this. I've clearly stated before there is NOTHING WRONG with OP's preferences but he is not straight.

Its like Lynsay Lohan going around saying she is not a lesbian when she is having sex with a woman, she is a lesbian. Simple.

Its not about "what you want to be" or "what you define yourself as"

If you have sex with your own sex then you are bisexual or gay, whats wrong with that?

Nothing.

The only thing that is wrong is trying to hide it or because you cant accept it yourself thinking its ok to deceive other people.

The girl could have been perfectly ok if he maybe had come clean from the start.....

AngryBadger

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Well, what is she supposed to do Angry Badger, be complicit in her own stitching up?
Be quiet and accepting like a good little girl?

How does telling her family, and by extension everyone they know solve anything? And I'm not suggesting she do anything "like a good little girl" except maybe show some adult restraint in dealing with the issue.

SpookyDoll wrote: »

I dont think so. Its too big an ask, she's had a massive shock, I think you are trivialising it Angry Badger, attack being the best form of defence or whatever, I wouldn't buy that and she evidently hasn't either.

*sigh* I think that we have very different views on the significance of what the OP has done, all I'll say is that if the OP were a woman who had been caught in this situation, the response would be very different and I'd bet good money that if the partner went and told the family in that instance they'd be hung and quartered on here.

But then the op is a male, and obviously a male with potentially undecided sexuality issues is a deviant and deserving of no consideration at all.

TripleAce

You are not a bastard - you are dumb.

shellyboo

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Well, they aren't going around saying we are straight when they obviously aren't, so theres a difference.

Yes, they are. Ever seen porn? Hint: those aren't real lesbians.

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Its like Lynsay Lohan going around saying she is not a lesbian when she is having sex with a woman, she is a lesbian. Simple.

No, not that simple at all. She used to have sex with men, and most likely will again... so what, it changes? She's bi since she has relationships with men and women. But simply having sex with someone doesn't automatically determine your orientation. It's a state, not an action.

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Its not about "what you want to be" or "what you define yourself as"

If you have sex with your own sex then you are bisexual or gay, whats wrong with that?

Yes, it IS about what you define yourself as. I'd love to have sex with a woman, but I'm straight. I couldn't be in a relationship with a woman, though... that's why I wouldn't define myself as bisexual, because I think that's a little demeaning to true bisexuals.

I kissed a girl once, does that make me bi? What if I groped her boob? What if I stuck my hand down her pants? Where's the line?

Sexual orientation has nothing at all to do with sex, is basically what I'm saying - it's innate. Your actions don't define it.

Karen_*

AngryBadger wrote: »

OP in my view THIS is a far greater transgression on her part. If you're with her this length of time and yet this is how she reacts to what is nothing more than a stupid faux-pas then how's she going to react when a serious problem arises? And why is she telling her whole family about this? It doesn't involve her whole family, it involves her, and you, end of story.

I realise you've been with this person a long time and so you have a lot invested in the relationship, but I'd be inclined to review things if this is her way of dealing with problems.

I would consider registering on gaydar while locked a bit more than a faux pas. She's perfectly entitled to be upset and to question the future of the relationship considering it wasn't the first 'faux pas' of this type.

She's telling her family because she's foreseeing the end of the relationship IMO. The OP becomes a different person with drink on him which isn't a great sign for a happy future and the different person he becomes is one who seeks out online flirtations and gay and transgendered porn. She certainly has to think twice before building a life with the OP. She's be mad not to.

LegacyUser

@AngryBadger "And why is she telling her whole family about this? It doesn't involve her whole family, it involves her, and you, end of story."
I think the answer is simple enough, it's so she can't turn back. Her family are very important to her, she loved the fact that I got on so well with all of them and was good friends with her older brother. She told me once when saying how relieved she was that I got on so well with them that she could never marry someone they didn't approve of. If they now all think I'm gay then she now can't get married.

And to all of you who say I'm gay, I've said I'm not. You don't know me, I can do stupid things on occasion, case in point, but that doesn't change my general orientation. When I'm walking down the street I look at woman and try not to turn my head when a pretty girl walks past me. My fiancee has caught me doing it in the past, sometimes do it without even realising though generally catch myself. I have never even been remotely attracted by a man, I would notice if he was very good looking or whatever, but my general thought would be ("lucky bast*rd") as he would have no problem with the ladies.

When I have thought about it, and I have, I think it is because it's different from what I'm used to, nothing more. I tried it once when it Thailand as I said, I know with black and white people a ladyboy is still a fella as Spookydoll put it, I saw it though as a girl who was a bit different. Not some bloke with a big hairy a*se as frankly and no offence to anyone who does like that, it would repluse me. Anyway I don't want to split hairs.

Up until 8 years ago I was like a Pub07 said, only ever looked at hetro porn, and not often at that. It was only after a serious accident involving a head injury that I seemed to get any interest in it. I don't know why that was, but I'd never had any interest previous to that. And my interest now compared to 5 years ago is infinitesemal. It has become rarer and rarer that I look at it, I thought not to long ago that maybe thats what it was, some weird fad that would fade over time.

SpookyDoll

Your bang on the money Badger, it would be different if OP was female. I dont deny that and I dont think thats right either.

But let me try to illustrate why I do think this is significant though, a while ago on here there was a fella whose wife wasn't putting out for something like 6 years, she was bringing her "friend" on holidays with them etc etc The two girls were obviously gay and cuckolding him right under his nose. Ok, he admitted that himself.

I thought it was a bunch of bull on her behalf -using the fella for "appearances" while having her lover right under his roof and stringing him along and I told him so.

Its NOT RIGHT for either sex to keep something like this from a partner, a LIFE partner. Its a MATERIAL FACT that they have every right to be privvy to before they make an INFORMED decision on whether to settle down with the person.

I see the double standards you are talking about and I dont like them any more than you do, in fact I believe its the very type of stuff that gives women a bad name, so enough with the violins.

ok, now to her disclosing it to her family.

OP has decieved her on a MATERIAL FACT, this has given her a very nasty shock, one in which she does not know which end is up, ok. A man in her position would have every right to feel the same way.

You talk about her showing adult restraint, but you have to realise what has occured is of SEISMIC proportions to her right now. Quite likely she could not handle this on her own, she doesnt even know how to use the compass to get through it, its not like finding out he doesn't like the dinners she's been cooking, its a bit more serious for her.

Finding out a partner is gay/bisexual etc quite a way into a relationship is devastating. Dont underestimate that, the deliberate deception on top of that seeing photos of her other half (ok pre-her) with a transgender/transsexual person must also have come as a shock.

I think being realistic, her actions were not ideal but she is more than likely too devastated to cope on her own right now.

SpookyDoll

I kissed a girl once, does that make me bi? What if I groped her boob? What if I stuck my hand down her pants? Where's the line?

Yeh, Shelly me too, yes it does, as it does me too whether I like it or not. We have to accept the label even if we dont like it. Its about what we actually DO, because who on this planet can make sense of the stuff in our heads, the demarcation has to be defined by something much less nebulous than thought.

Sexual orientation has nothing at all to do with sex, is basically what I'm saying - it's innate. Your actions don't define it.

Your actions TOTALLY define it for the reasons stated above. If we did it we have got to stand by it.

shellyboo

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Yeh, Shelly me too, yes it does, as it does me too whether I like it or not. We have to accept the label even if we dont like it. Its about what we actually DO, because who on this planet can make sense of the stuff in our heads, the demarcation has to be defined by something much less nebulous than thought.

I liked it a hell of a lot - it still doesn't make me bisexual though, because to say that, I feel, is offensive to people who are bisexual; people who have functional relationships with both men and women. I couldn't do that, therefore I am straight.

I don't think it's a 'label', either, it's an orientation. Orientation is not nebulous, which is why if I say I'm straight, and I have nothing but heterosexual relationships, then I am straight - no matter how many girls I kiss or sleep with, that is not going to change.

If a gay man experiments with a woman, does that make him automatically straight? No. Orientation is a more fixed concept than what you do. It's what you ARE. And what you do can't change what you are.

SpookyDoll

Ok, ok I hear you....

But that then leaves the door open for us to state "ok I dont feel gay/bisexual/straight, but I can DO anything I like, I just dont feel gay/bisexual/straight, therefore I can say and do opposite things and thats ok"

Well thats ok as long as its only ourselves we have to worry about but what about in this case, where the person has a significant interest in something but decides its ok not to disclose it to their partner, because they dont feel or define themselves as gay/bisexual/straight....

Do you know what I mean...?

LegacyUser

it takes a while for each of my mails to get posted so keep losing track. I meant to add when told she told her family I let her know I understood her need to talk to someone she trusted, it would not be fair to expect her to bottle it up. I didn't think it would be her whole family as a group the following day without any word between us other than text as she won't take my calls. The fact she talked to her whole family leads me to the conclusion she doesn't see a way back and is purposely closing the door in case she weakens and wants to get back with me.

I've told all this to my brother as well, to those of you who constantly state I am gay or bi and need to face it, I disagree. Telling my brother what happened and leaving no detail out was extremely hard and humiliating though he took it so well. I did it because I am tired of carrying it as a secret as was she, except I carried it far longer, and I wanted to show her I will not just brush it under the carpet as previously done, she means a lot more to me than humilation on my part. It does not mean I was coming out! Again for the record I have not nor can ever see myself having the remotest interest in a same sex relationship.

I tried once with a transgender, I have never been with a man and normally the idea makes my skin crawl (I don't wish that to be offensive to any gay or bi people reading this, this does not reflect my opinion of either as people as each to their own). The mail I sent the other night was to an email address, there was no photo, nothing. I could have been mailing the pope, whatever was going on was in my head, but forgotten about the next day. If there had been a picture of some guy with the address I can honestly say I don't think I would have sent anything.

The profile I put on gaydar was a 1 liner, admitedly pornagraphic in nature but nothing more. I didn't browse the site, look at profiles etc. To be honest I've no idea why I did it, I wrote one line saved and exited. Forgot about it altogether until I saw a registration succeeded email the next day.

cafecolour

I'm a gay man, and I don't think you sound necessarily gay or even bisexual. I for instance, have no interest in trannies - I like guys, not basically women who have a penis.

That said, you may have some bicurious tendencies, which is fine - I've been curious and tried it with women. Unfortunately, as you found out, society still, for the most part, considers any hint of gayness in men automatically means they are gay, while women it's more acceptable. This is changing a bit, but even plenty of very gay-friendly women I know will still run if they think they see any 'tendencies' in a guy they're dating.

But this is all besides the point. You were engaged, and you attempted an online encounter. If it had been a women or hetero dating site she'd found you on, she'd probably be running as well honestly. That's a big red flag that you might well be cheating on her down the road.

cafecolour

cafecolour wrote: »

That said, you may have some bicurious tendencies, which is fine - I've been curious and tried it with women. Unfortunately, as you found out, society still, for the most part, considers any hint of gayness in men automatically means they are gay, while women it's more acceptable. This is changing a bit, but even plenty of very gay-friendly women I know will still run if they think they see any 'tendencies' in a guy they're dating.

This is precisely why the original poster's fiancée is acting like a moron. He has an absolutely minimal interest in transsexuals which rarely ever surfaces. If the roles were reversed, she was a full-blown bi and she viewed lesbian porn more than a couple of times a month or week, it probably wouldn't be an issue.

Double standards have no place in a relationship.

The e-mail is the only infraction the OP has committed in his relationship as far as I can see, and for that his fiancée should forgive him eventually. He was clearly extremely intoxicated, and while he must accept responsibility for his actions, I think it is wrong for his fiancée to think any less of him - psychoactives can bring out the best, or worst, in people. Had he actually gone ahead with the encounter that would be immediate grounds for a break-up, but that is not what happened.

iguana

cafecolour wrote: »

But this is all besides the point. You were engaged, and you attempted an online encounter. If it had been a women or hetero dating site she'd found you on, she'd probably be running as well honestly. That's a big red flag that you might well be cheating on her down the road.

I think this is the important part. If I found out that my husband had registered on a dating site and sent someone his mobile number I'd be very inclined to walk out the door. I don't think it would make a difference if it was a man or a woman he'd planned to meet.

Bottle_of_Smoke

shellyboo wrote: »

Yes, it IS about what you define yourself as. I'd love to have sex with a woman, but I'm straight. I couldn't be in a relationship with a woman, though... that's why I wouldn't define myself as bisexual, because I think that's a little demeaning to true bisexuals.

Sexual orientation has nothing at all to do with sex, is basically what I'm saying - it's innate. Your actions don't define it.

Sorry, what?

If you'd love to have sex with a woman it means you're attracted to women. In my book that makes you bi. Relationships are generally based on sexual attraction amongst other things.

I kissed a girl once, does that make me bi? What if I groped her boob? What if I stuck my hand down her pants? Where's the line?

Doesn't matter what you did. If you enjoyed kissing/groping you'd be bi. "relationships" have nothing to do with it.

This guy is bisexual. He obviously prefers women but he's not dealing with his homo tendancies at all. I come in drunk sometimes and look at porn but I never look up men. Nor do I register with gay dating sites or send men my phone number. If I did (any of those) it would mean i find men attractive and therefore make me bi.

OP I'd go to a counseller. I'm not saying you should start relationships with guys, but you need to be honest and I don't blame this girl for walking. How can you expect her to trust you when you can't even admit your feelings to yourself?

Marksie

Camel toe: banned 1 week for that comment

LegacyUser

I'm currently dating someone who has in the past explored what you might call his 'bi-curiosity'. He has had some sexual experiences with men before he was dating me, but never very serious and from what he says it was always an exploratory thing. Although he doesn't feel that attracted to men anymore, he would still describe himself as bisexual, but he sees sexuality as a very fluid thing and not something that we can rigidly define. He has always been very open with me about his past and it really doesn't affect our relationship. I don't care that he's been with men, he's had other girlfriends in the past too & if I can deal with that why couldn't I deal with guys? The only issue for us is one of trust, which is an issue every couple has. I trust him to be faithful to me and not to cheat with anyone. I'm obviously not your fiancée OP but what would have upset me in what you did was the email to that other guy, as I would imagine that it meant that you were looking to cheat or even dump me. (Although I accept the argument that if you had been seriously interested in doing something you would have hidden it better!) I know that I would be destroyed if my boyfriend was making advances to someone else like that.

Best of luck with getting her to talk to you about it, but if you're going to save this then you have some serious trust issues to work on- the fact that she goes through your emails maybe being one of them? Throwing out your PC wouldn't solve the problem from my point of view.

estar

hi there

so you are learning more about yourself. i dont think from the sounds of things you were ready to be married. perhaps you were seeking an out in the back of your mind. perhaps you wanted to sabotage yourself. you are a little lost. you hve some thinking to do, and perhaps some growing up. you arent ready for commitment as you dont know who you are really. you are still exploring that.

so you are hurt and have hurt someone. its better that this is out in the open, whatever it signifies. its better to be cautious when making a commitment. regardless of who you were thinking about, you werent thinking about her when you were drunk and emailing gay dating websites. and really thats why you would be engaged, because they are the person you think of drunk and want to be with.
maybe you wanted the stability more than the girl.

my advice is give her some space, and take some space for yourself.

you dont know what you want, really. you think you do, but you don't.

you only get one life, make sure you live it as yourself.

maybe get some support from friends, family or a counsellor to find out more about yourself and what you want from life.

Gyalist

Phew! I read your post shortly after you first posted it but deleted my reply because I thought I was being too harsh and judgmental. However, I have since re-read your post a few more times and what has struck me is the sheer litany of self-serving excuses for your actions.

You are quite entitled to explore your sexuality, but to expect a partner to accept them regardless is not at all realistic. In fact, I can't think of any woman I know with a decent amount of self-esteem who wouldn't have high-tailed it the moment they found out about your escapades in Thailand.

You seem far more concerned with keeping up appearances in your hometown than in your fiancee's happiness. Can you not see how your actions could have hurt her deeply?

ashamed fool wrote: »

I honestly don't know why I would do that, I've never done something like that before, and if I got a call I wouldn't know what to do. The idea of meeting a random stranger, male or female for casual sex is not my thing at all, so it was completely out of character for me to do this.

So what about the episode with the Thai ladyboy?

kraggy

tbc wrote: »

I'm currently dating someone who has in the past explored what you might call his 'bi-curiosity'. He has had some sexual experiences with men before he was dating me, but never very serious and from what he says it was always an exploratory thing. Although he doesn't feel that attracted to men anymore, he would still describe himself as bisexual, but he sees sexuality as a very fluid thing and not something that we can rigidly define. He has always been very open with me about his past and it really doesn't affect our relationship. I don't care that he's been with men, he's had other girlfriends in the past too & if I can deal with that why couldn't I deal with guys? The only issue for us is one of trust, which is an issue every couple has. I trust him to be faithful to me and not to cheat with anyone. I'm obviously not your fiancée OP but what would have upset me in what you did was the email to that other guy, as I would imagine that it meant that you were looking to cheat or even dump me. (Although I accept the argument that if you had been seriously interested in doing something you would have hidden it better!) I know that I would be destroyed if my boyfriend was making advances to someone else like that.

Best of luck with getting her to talk to you about it, but if you're going to save this then you have some serious trust issues to work on- the fact that she goes through your emails maybe being one of them? Throwing out your PC wouldn't solve the problem from my point of view.

If only all girls could be like you. What difference does it make what sex you were with before. As long as you can be trusted in the relationship you are in RIGHT NOW, then nothing else matters.

shellyboo wrote: »

There's a difference between having sexual interest in someone of transgender or the opposite sex and being gay/bisexual. Think of the hundreds of thousands of women out there who've had sex with other women - are people going around asking them to question their sexuality? No. Is anyone telling them that they're deceiving their partners by staying in a heterosexual relationship? I think not.

The OP has stated that he couldn't fathom being in a relationship with anyone but a woman - this is what makes him straight. There is a stigma attached to same-sex intimacy if you're a man that simply does not exist for women. It's a very pervasive double standard. Guy-on-guy equals gay, but girl-on-girl just equals hot. Not exactly fair, is it?

The OP has a fetish for transsexuals, that's clear. He explored this once in Thailand, and seems to have no desire to do it again. He fulfils this fetish through porn. Imho, he's handled it extremely well, and problems only arose when he tried to hide this from his OH.

OP, you need to start being honest with yourself. This is a desire that's never going to go away, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You just need to ensure that your fetish doesn't lead you to hurt your partner, and that involves establishing some really hard boundaries about what is and is not acceptable for her - but that means you have to be honest with her, accept your mistake, and try to talk it through.

Unfortunately, she may not be the kind of person who is open-minded enough to deal with your fetish.

Nail on head Shelly. Excellent post.

Anyone on here who says that once you cross the line and have even the remotest of intimate experiences with someone of the same sex you are bi/gay is off their head.

LegacyUser

Whether or not you would end up doing anything actually bad at all, like being with another person (man or woman), is not the issue in my mind. You may be a good person but you have hurt this girl badly not just once but a number of times by the things you have done. AND you broke your promises to her about not doing it again. Im impressed that she is strong enough to really give you your walking orders because to be honest its the right thing to do for her.

You sound like a decent man who never intended to hurt anyone. Maybe you should let her go and find a relationship with someone that you can keep your promises to and move forward with. Even if you get your fiance back, I dont know that she would ever totally trust you again....you might have a happy future with the person you love, but she would have that hanging over her head forever. Thats hardly fair.

Karen_*

cafecolour wrote: »

But this is all besides the point. You were engaged, and you attempted an online encounter. If it had been a women or hetero dating site she'd found you on, she'd probably be running as well honestly. That's a big red flag that you might well be cheating on her down the road.

Exactly. That is the crux of the matter. Whether it was engaging with men or women on dating or pick up sites then its a huge big thing to consider when you're thinking of marrying someone. They have a drink and go seeking others. And another red flag for me would be someone who blames everything and anyone but themselves.

shellyboo

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Ok, ok I hear you....

But that then leaves the door open for us to state "ok I dont feel gay/bisexual/straight, but I can DO anything I like, I just dont feel gay/bisexual/straight, therefore I can say and do opposite things and thats ok"


Do you know what I mean...?

I do know what you mean. I think it's perfectly fine to explore your sexuality, to do anything and everything that takes your fancy (as long as it doesn't involve kids or animals), and still maintain your orientation as whatever you feel it to be - it's something we're born with, so whatever you do can't change it. Your actions may help you to discover yourself, that's a given, but whatever it is you discover, it will be what you've always been, and not a result of what you've done. Nothing can 'turn you gay', essentially.

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Well thats ok as long as its only ourselves we have to worry about but what about in this case, where the person has a significant interest in something but decides its ok not to disclose it to their partner, because they dont feel or define themselves as gay/bisexual/straight....

I agree with you totally on this point - if you're going to explore your sexuality in ways that are outside the norm, then you're obliged to be 100% open and honest with your partner about it.

So while it's perfectly within the OP's rights to explore his fetish, it's also within his fiancee's rights to not want to be with him because of it. There's no rule out there that says she must accept him.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

If you'd love to have sex with a woman it means you're attracted to women. In my book that makes you bi. Relationships are generally based on sexual attraction amongst other things.

Doesn't matter what you did. If you enjoyed kissing/groping you'd be bi. "relationships" have nothing to do with it.

Are you saying that every girl out there who's ever kissed a girl is bi? I think you'd be hard pressed to find a woman my age these days who hasn't, to be honest.

And, as I stated before, I think this a really offensive definition for people who are legitimately bi. It's reducing what is a very complex sexual orientation to the level of a drunken fumble.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

This guy is bisexual. He obviously prefers women but he's not dealing with his homo tendancies at all. I come in drunk sometimes and look at porn but I never look up men. Nor do I register with gay dating sites or send men my phone number. If I did (any of those) it would mean i find men attractive and therefore make me bi.

He's not bisexual, he doesn't want to sleep with men. He has a fetish for transsexuals, which, in fact, is an extremely common fetish. He's bi-curious, that's a given, but if he can't imagine sleeping or having a relationship with a guy then he's not bisexual.

What's is up with everyone and having to put a label on the OP? His issue is NOT his sexuality, his issue is his dishonesty with his gf, and her struggle to accept his fetish - because a fetish is all it is.

Gyalist wrote: »

You are quite entitled to explore your sexuality, but to expect a partner to accept them regardless is not at all realistic. In fact, I can't think of any woman I know with a decent amount of self-esteem who wouldn't have high-tailed it the moment they found out about your escapades in Thailand.

+100

Unfortunately, in Ireland, we have a great big stick up our arses about sex. It's not the kind of place where a fetish for ladyboys is acceptable by any means for most people.

The OP has made a litany of mistakes here, the first being hiding his fetish from his gf - but I'd be prepared to bet that if he'd been honest with her from the start, she may have walked away then, too.

OP, to be honest, I think you've really messed this one up. YOur dishonesty has just compounded the fetish issue, and I don't really see a way back for you and your gf. But the best thing you can do for yourself is to come to terms with your urges and set out to find a partner who is open-minded enough to deal with it. Best of luck.

Gareth37

ashamed fool wrote: »

I don't want to put too much detail in this but I don't think I've much choice so excuse the length. I know some people are going to judge me, some laugh but just hoping maybe one or two can give me a perspective on how to save a relationship I've damaged maybe beyond repair.

Basically I've been with this girl that I love deeply for the last few years. Prior to meeting her I had a troubled past, and somehow during that time became obsessed (for want of a better word) with porn. Not just regular porn, but porn specifically dealing with transgendered subjects. I'd wondered about it before I met her why I had a fascination with it, so much so I eventually bit the bullet and decided to met up with one while backpacking in Thailand to see if it was my thing.

Being a complete idiot I took a few photos of us together, don't know why, was drunk and thought it would be fun. I admit I didn't hate it, s/he was very feminine and attractive as well as a nice person. Afterwards the next day though I wondered what all the fuss was about in my head and felt strangely relieved in a way that the fascination had been dealt with.

Now comes the really stupid part, I had saved the photos plus a lot of porn on my old pc and more or less forgot about it, I've no idea why as I looked at them once and that was it.
I meet my fiancee about a year after coming back from travelling and after a while things progressed and she moved in.

One night she found the images, not too hard as they weren't hidden away really, just in an innocuous folder on my hard drive. She was understandably shocked and really upset, asked if I was gay or bisexual. I'd previously thought about this based on the porn I found erotic and answered categorically no to both.

After a lot of explaining about finding it erotic in some weird way but something that was behind me she eventually decided to stay with me. About a year after this we were engaged.

Roll on a few years to last month. I got home really late after a night out with the boys, was really hammered through wine and a joint or two I smoked with friends (used to smoke a lot of years ago, don't have the head for it anymore), she was asleep. Went into one of the spare rooms to turn on the pc to stream a movie to watch downstairs and checked my mail while I was there. Don't know why I did as I was having trouble focusing at that stage. Anyway there was a mail from a site I used to frequent before I met her, they used to send mail but this was the first I got in years. I opened it and there was a lot of graphic transgendered images, stupidly clicked on one which opened full size in a new window just as she walked into the room after I woke her up stumbling up the stairs.

I was too drunk to explain what had happened and she stormed out of the room which is fair enough. The next evening we talked about it, I explained what had happened (couldn't explain why I clicked on the image rather than just deleting it), and she sort of accepted my explanation though I know she didn't really believe it. She's brought it up a few times over the last few weeks but I'd shied away from it as I found it too embarrassing and felt to uncomfortable to talk about it. I should have as it was bothering her, I know that.

Finally it came to the weekend before this, I was at home for two nights on my own. The second evening I had a few beers watching the footie, when that finished I decided to have a glass of wine watching a film. I had some hash a neighbour had given me months ago, enough for two joints so decided to smoke it. It was my undoing as before I knew it I was on a bender which went until 10.30am the following morning.

Woke up at noon with fuzzy memories of the last few hours and vowed thats it, I am not drinking in the house again, and never smoking hash which seems to send me into hyper drive as I can't sleep etc.

Monday morning going through my personal mail in work and a email stating successful registration on Gaydar is there. WTF? Then a vague memory of surfing on Sunday morning comes back along with a sinking feeling. I delete it straight away and feel disgusted with myself, why would I do that? I know people can be gay and repress it trying to be straight but I know that's not me. I love her and don't know why I would do such a thing.

Anyway a few nights later she calls me into the pc room, I come in and see my email account which I was still logged into from earlier is open on the deleted folder with this registration mail sitting there. She is going mental understandably as I feebly say it must be spam, I know, I'm a liar, and I don't lie as I hate it. I don't know how to explain I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing, or how that could be seen as an excuse.

Worse followed though in my sent folder, there was a one line response from me with my phone number to a guys email saying interested in meeting up, text me.

I honestly don't know why I would do that, I've never done something like that before, and if I got a call I wouldn't know what to do. The idea of meeting a random stranger, male or female for casual sex is not my thing at all, so it was completely out of character for me to do this.

However there was no denying it, my phone number was there in black and white and I just didn't know what to say. How could I, I couldn't even remember writing the damn thing! If I was seriously contemplating going behind her back with someone else (which I have never done or would do), I would have at least hidden the evidence and not given out my number, which I regularly get her to read the texts coming into me if I'm busy.

So she asked me to leave, I did and slept on a friends couch. She again understandably wouldn't answer my calls, told me I've ruined everything in answer to my texts and said the wedding is off. She also called her family saying this time she had to talk to someone, she couldn't keep it to herself any longer. I understand that as this is my hometown not hers so she doesn't have any really close friends close, besides how can you tell a friend this?
I'm now back home, went to work the day after I was kicked out and asked for a leave of absence, came home as quick as I could hoping to talk to her but she was gone. She's gone home to her families place, she said she'll text me next week to tell me a day to be out of the house so she can collect her things.

I've tried explaining that I love her and only her, how can I though when I can't explain why I do this sh*t when I'm drunk, not remembering it is no excuse, it's almost worse as who's to say I haven't before?

I've said I'll give up drinking in the house, or altogether, I'll go to counselling, I'll never smoke another joint as they definitely don't agree with me, I go nuts etc. I'll do anything basically to not lose her. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and I repay her by sending random mail to strangers. It doesn't matter that I say there's no way it would have gone further (which is true, one thing writing a drunken mail at 10am, another being unfaithful to her), it doesn't matter that I say it's the only time I've ever done that, as far as she is concerned I've already been unfaithful, maybe not physically, but that doesn't change things.

Please note I am not a bast*rd despite what a few (or many) will think, up until this she said I am the best thing that's ever happened to her, I know she loves me very much (sometimes I think too much as she hates to be apart for even a night), she has also said she has never been so happy when she met me. I am good to her, I do things for her all the time, support her etc, basically everything an attentive loving husband/boyfriend should be, and not because I should be, but because I just am with her.


Sorry for such a long mail, but I know from experience on this board that detail however hard and uncomfortable it is to give, is the only way to get clear and unbiased advice.

Thank You

Thats a very bad addiction to have.

You have 2 ways to stop addictions; councelling which is psychology training of the mind or prayer.

Gareth37

Gareth37 wrote: »

Thats a very bad addiction to have.

You have 2 ways to stop addictions; councelling which is psychology training of the mind or prayer.

There should be some kind of rule in PI forbidding posters to give advice whose efficacy has no scientific or empirically verifiable basis.

He has no addiction. His girlfriend just subscribes to society's double-standards regarding sexuality. He has a tiny, mostly buried transsexual fetish, not an addiction.

Gareth37

Deleted User wrote: »

There should be some kind of rule in PI forbidding posters to give advice whose efficacy has no scientific or empirically verifiable basis.

He has no addiction. His girlfriend just subscribes to society's double-standards regarding sexuality. He has a tiny, mostly buried transsexual fetish, not an addiction.

I am just trying to help. Im sure addictions to these sort of things are common with Internet pornography and so on.

The fact is that he had a loving girlfriend and was in a relationship but still had to click on the temptation. You may be right but if one cannot resist tempation for the love of another person then that is an addiction.

Gareth37

Gareth37 wrote: »

The fact is that he had a loving girlfriend and was in a relationship but still had to click on the temptation. You may be right but if one cannot resist tempation for the love of another person then that is an addiction.

Yes, that is true, except in the case of extreme intoxication. I agree that he does have to take responsibility for his actions regarding the e-mail but that is all.

Aurora Borealis

Listen as others have said what you have done in your life previously or who or whatever is not really the issue for a current relationship and that is something I’ve believe whether in relation to people having issue with the number of partners had or the sex thereof as long as it doesn’t actively affect your present relationship.

I had insecurities when with a guy who had more of a sexual history with the same sex than I had though I had had some and on getting into the relationship I never would have thought I would be insecure around the issue but I suppose it was unchartered ground for me and so a learning curve. In that particular case he did in fact cheat on me with guys it transpired so my unease was warranted but that aside, as I couldn’t have known that would happen nor would it necessarily with someone else equally inclined, I know if presented with a similar scenario with a different person now I’d handle it differently because I have learnt so much from past experiences and I suppose having explored my own sexuality a bit more I am more comfortable with that of others too.

My point in sharing the above with you is to highlight how even as someone who was open-minded and “adventurous” myself beforehand I still had plenty of adjusting to do around that aspect of that relationship and that takes time, sometimes a lot of time. Give your fiancée time to process this as there are two major issues here really a) being faced with the sudden uncertainty of not knowing you as well as she thought and then b) also the issue of infidelity with regard to texting someone else like that. I’d imagine your fiancée is feeling very betrayed and she would also if you texted some girl to meet up.

I really think the fact that this comes up when intoxicated or otherwise means it is something that may be in you whether just in the realm of fantasy or not. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are of a particular persuasion. I have since been with women, never had a relationship with one and wouldn’t necessarily describe myself as bi or gay, I’m just me and am attracted to whomever I am attracted to and can define myself or not as I see fit. You can’t typecast people and I do firmly believe sexuality is fluid. We all have fantasies and they are not all vanilla and we are perfectly entitled to have them as long as they don’t hurt anyone. But I would worry more that you are suppressing that element of your personality and that it then causes you great distress when it comes out. Give your girlfriend the space she needs to get her head together but take some time for yourself too and try and figure out if you can and as honestly as you can what your needs are in terms of these fantasies.

This is not something you can just bounce back from in a few days if at all. Best-case scenario it’s going to take some time especially as her family know what has happened. Families can take on a group mentality on things like this and those also of a different generation can find issues of this nature unfathomable so be prepared for that aspect of it and a hell of a lot of patience if indeed your fiancée does come round to talking.

Try not to beat yourself up though OP. We make mistakes and you hiding things from yourself and your fiancée is one in my opinion but I think ultimately you are feeling guilty here about things that are perfectly normal.

LegacyUser

How it is that some people seem to think that his attempt's to be with a Transsexual were a "Fetish" whereas his attempts to be with a Gay guy were "Exploring his sexuality"? Were his attempts to be with a Gay guy not just as much a fetish? if not more so actually since at least the Transsexual had some aspects of feminity.

sadista

OP I agree with previous posters who have said that you must accept the fact that you are attracted to both men,women and transgender. The way you blame your actions on drink and smoke only further prove how you are opressing the issue. It seems that when you drink or smoke you cant contain it anymore as you need an outlet.

I have had issues like this in my relationship before. I am bisexual myself and have been with women before but I know I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him for a long time so we found ways to help me deal with the fact that there will not be a woman in our relationship, things like watching lesbian porn as an outlet etc. I also have other fantasies that he found out about and I was quite ashamed but he was understanding and accepted that it was just part of who I am.

I also found out about my boyfriend looking up transgender porn and asked him about it and he lied saying that someone else had been using his computer. I took his word for it because it was so not like him as he is probably the most hetero person I know, but I was mistaken because a few hours later he blurted out that it was him and it was just because he was curious etc. Well there were eruptions and I was seriously considering ending it, not because he was curious but because he could not be open and honest with me about it. In the end we got over it and I accepted it , he promised me he just wanted me and no-one else,he stopped watching porn on his own and now were grand.

Some posters are saying to leave your fiancee and find an outlet for your fetish/fascination but I know how you feel saying that you want to be with her. If you know she is the one you have to fight for her and let her know that yes, you are bi and you are ready to be open about it but that doesnt mean you are going to shag guys and transgenders behind her back. If she really loves you she will accept you as you are and try to find a solution with you. You made a commitment to her that you would marry her and stay with her the rest of your life regardless of anything else. Surely that means more to her than catching you in the wrong place at the wrong time or seeing an email.If the both of you were open about it from the start this never would have happened. If she is not willing to be open about it then she is not the girl you want to marry.

Peewee_lane

I dont think she would have told the family if she wanted to stay with you though, there were some horrible secrets I found out about my ex and I never let on to family or friends what was going on, they just thought it was another stuipid fight.

Point is, shes looking for a way out by telling everyone so she doesnt have to go back to you.

Sadistas right, shes not the girl for you if she cant say, okay baby, we can get through this because I want to be with you.

Gone Drinking

think I've lost my fiancee

Sorry, didn't have time to read your post as i'm running out the door.. but did you check between the seats on the couch?

I always find stuff there

Oryx

OP, your posts are full of pleading: 'I didnt' 'I wouldnt' 'I dont know why'. It comes across as someone who is trying to fudge the truth, as much to yourself as to anyone else. You fcuked up, yes. But your biggest fcuk up wasnt the ladyboy in Thailand, or the interest in porn. It was your attempt to conceal that part of yourself from your fiancee and possibly yourself. You say it was the drink and smoke. I call bs on that. You have been smothering it and only allowing it out when shes not there, a sneaky peek into something you obviously are not comfortable with doing. But it fascinates you. And you are torn.

You pretend to your gf that you are innocent and not like that, that its all accidental experimentation, or you simply didnt know. You also mention that she has 'caught' you looking at other women. So you try and curb that, too. She is not causing you to behave like this, you are. Because you are unwilling to come out and be honest with her about who you are and what you like to see and do. Far better if you could say to her 'fine. I do this because it gives me a thrill. I need to find out why.' If you continue with your bs line that its all chance drunkeness she can never believe you. Because that is a lie.

Beruthiel

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Sorry, didn't have time to read your post as i'm running out the door.. but did you check between the seats on the couch?

I always find stuff there

Banned for a week.