Am I right to be annoyed bout this?

Mr. Incognito

I've been single this last while and had an ad up on a random dating site.

I have a son I makes no bones about and have a pic of me with him on the site too.

Anyway, a girl responded to my ad, liked my pics and profile. Here's the correspondence and you'll see why I'm a little ticked off.

Hello (Name removed),
> >
> > Actually no i didn't check to see if you had any
> other
> > pictures as i was only given the option to load one up
> > myself, but now i see them especially the second i
> realise i
> > you are an evil genius and will endeavor be a bit more
> on
> > the ball. Cause really, Ouch my ovaries! very
> manipulative,
> > who's little boy is that? Here's 3 of mine
> none of
> > them reach your standard of course..

(Jokes and personal stuff)

The wee boy is my son (name removed) who is 4 in January, he's a pet and getting big and bold now to be honest.

Like the pics- you're cute! very cute in fact.

(Personal stuff)

Hello,

Had a bit of a think about its kinda reminded me of my own family my parents being 18 when they had me so i have to be honest i wouldn't date a guy with a kid, not that i think you shouldn't date, I dont know anything about your situation.

But i'm kinda hoping to meet someone to have my own kids with in the not too distant future and i think your probably only looking for something casual as the family you already have should always come first.

best of luck
(Name removed)

My response:

Well (name removed),

You know what, I'm slightly bemused. You're actually the first person I've ever met that admited such a prejudice to me, not that I'm sure it doesn't go on but I'd expect it from the tut tuting old hens in the bingo hall not someone who comes from an environment that mirrors my sons. Perhaps you are subconsciously judging your parents, not me?

Amyway, regardless, most people when they have a query raise their hand and ask. The situation was that it was a one night stand and she decided to keep it and I've been there from day one, not for her, but for him. (personal stuff)

I suppose integrity counts for little in the modern world, but I'd rather have my son growing up with a father he sees on weekends rather than none at all, so I can go on to have a "proper" family to fit preconcieved bigots notions of walt disney perfection. Life is not disneyland.

Sorry, that was a bit mean I guess. You're right. My son would always come before you and I guess that's something you're perfectly entitled to reject.

Happy hunting for prince charming.

Now, you know what, when I was in college and he was born I was expecting a bit of this, but from a girl in her mid-twenties?

She approached me on the site, not the other way round and funniy enough her profile listed threesomes as one of the things she was looking for and then accuses me of being casual.

Womins, sometimes I just have no idea.

Sorry, needed to rant.

Thoughts?

shellyboo

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Thoughts?

The internet is full of narrow-minded idiots. Congratulations! You found one.

Trinity

As a single mother i have had a lot of this. I dont know what advice to give you. Its very hurtful indeed.

Just be glad little "miss i want to come first" showed her true colours so early on.

You will face a lot of this before a decent person comes along that accepts you and is proud of you for facing your responsibilities. I would find that a wonderful thing.

There was a poll up here before asking would you date a single mum and the results were varied but a lot said no. I guess people expect women to be more maternal but some of them are not.

On the other hand you have to respect peoples decisions, it doesnt make them bad people, just not the people for you.

I guess she thought the picture of the child was just for the cute factor and hoped he was a nephew or something. in fact the ouch my ovaries means just that.

I know believe me how difficult it is not to take this personally but you have to develop a thick skin.

Malari

To be honest I thought her mail was reasonable (apart from the strange comment about you wanting something casual). She wasn't rude, she was upfront and honest and had every right to tell you exactly what she expected in a man she was looking to meet.

There are so many threads here complaining that people aren't honest enough so I think you can't be too hurt just because she's looking for something else.

Bottle_of_Smoke

No, I don't think you are. She contacted you thinking your son was someone elses, she doesn't want to date a guy with a kid.

Katgurl

I think you're being unreasonable. She was honest & upfront & your reply came off as defensive and accusatory referring to her 'prejudices'.

petethebrick

I think she was just being honest with you. I myself would be quite reluctant to date someone with a kid. That doesn't make me small minded - it's just me being honest about my preferences and what I'm looking for. You're going to have to expect responses like that - put yourself in her shoes - if you didn't have a kid would you be likely to choose women on a dating site that did have kids? Anyhow, good luck with the search!

Mr. Incognito

I think you're being unreasonable. She was honest & upfront & your reply came off as defensive and accusatory referring to her 'prejudices'.

prejudice, interesting. It means to pre-judge. So you are saying that she did not pre-judge someone. I don't think I'm accusing her of anything, merely stating a fact. She admitted she didn't even know the circumstances. I guess maybe I'm being too sensitive but I love my son and I see him as a perk, not a firing offence to not even get to know someone.

Anyway, it seems I'm in the minority.

Katgurl

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

prejudice, interesting. It means to pre-judge. So you are saying that she did not pre-judge someone. I don't think I'm accusing her of anything, merely stating a fact. She admitted she didn't even know the circumstances. I guess maybe I'm being too sensitive but I love my son and I see him as a perk, not a firing offence to not even get to know someone.

Anyway, it seems I'm in the minority.

yes but she didn't judge YOU as a person, she commented on your situation.

Maggie Simpson

Just because she was honest doesn't mean she was right!

Some of what she said was a bit out of order methings.......the fact about her own parents having her when they were 18 doesn't mean that she can't date a guy with a kid - seems a bit illogical to me! It seems to me that she was making some judgements on the situation.

And as for hoping to meet someone to have her own kids with. I dunno what age she is or whatever but she strikes me as a bit immature/OTT. This is internet dating - you weren't asking her to have kids with you or anything else - some harmless flirting might lead to something no?? Crikey some people are so f'ing serious about the whole thing.

Count yourself lucky I think. And for what it's worth, I'm 32 & would have no issue being involved with a man with kid(s) and my friend has just married a buy with a 14 year old son. Kids can come into your life in lots of different ways. Maybe it takes being around for a few more years to realise that.

shellyboo

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I guess maybe I'm being too sensitive but I love my son and I see him as a perk, not a firing offence to not even get to know someone.

Anyway, it seems I'm in the minority.

I go all stupid over guys with kids... to me, if a guy is a good Dad, it's a great indication that he's first of all a decent guy, and second of all that he's reasonably mature and responsible. I also adore kids, so it wouldn't bother me to go out with a guy who had a kid.

That said, I can see where the girl was coming from - having gone out with a guy with two young children, at times the thought of being with him forever and having to deal with his kids and their mother was extremely daunting - I wasn't sure that was the life I wanted for myself. Obviously, we all want the dream - meet a guy, build a life, start a family of our own, from scratch - but not everyone gets the fairytale. It seems that this girl was just too immature to realise that.

Katgurl

i never said I agreed with her. For the record my last boyfriend had a child and I also saw it as a perk. I also agree she sounds immature and yes indeed, he's had a lucky escape.

It still stands though that he has a child and she clearly is not equippped to deal with a situation like that. Therefore, better he knows now & I still maintain he has no right to be annoyed - he should be relieved.

Irishcrx

Well, TBH she was up front with you and didn't lead you on any further. I mean as a guy I wouldn't want to date a girl with kids because of obvious complications and my age, so it would be a no go for me if I didn't know them. However if I really liked a girl, got on well with her and felt something there and she had a kid I don't think I would run away so fast there is a differance in the way you meet them.

Monkey61

I think you're massively overreacting!

I think she actually sounded very reasonable and explained to you as honestly as she could and very politely too why she didn't want to take things any further. In fact I think it's very mature of her to even be thinking of her future and not just possibly jumping into something without thinking about the implications.

I would never date anyone who had a child, certainly not at the age I am now (25). It just wouldn't interest me and wouldn't fit into what I want from a relationship.

I think the message you sent her back was ridiculously bitter. Come on man - "so I can go on to have a "proper" family to fit preconcieved bigots notions of walt disney perfection" - just because she said she wasn't interested in being with a man with a child and politely told him so.

I think she's the one who had a lucky escape to be honest.

John Mason

completely over-reacting tbh

I would never go near anyone who had children and i make no bones about it, i am very up front, as was the girl on the dating site.

i have used dating sites before and if anyone contacted me with children, i would tell them i wasnt interested.


i have nothing against single parents but i have no interest in children

metaoblivia

I thought she was very polite and came across very well. You on the other hand... total overreaction in my opinion. I think she had a lucky escape and probably realized that when you sent that last response.

LegacyUser

I think the girl was honest and open, her responses did not strike me as rude,

OP I think your responses were over the top, you had the defences up straight-away and jumped onto your integrity high horse.

Would you rather she lied and panned you off with some lame excuse or was upfront and honest about her intensions.

"I guess honesty counts for little in the modern world"????

NewFrockTuesday

Perhaps you are subconsciously judging your parents, not me?

Defo over analysing here anyway! and you do sound like youre very insulted - and that probably makes you a good Dad - (now whos over anaylsing! )

You bull doze your own opinion giving her info that she doesnt want or need and then admit youre being mean following the justification. But its not her bag so her honesty is refreshing.

If you felt a bit stung I can understand though.

Happy hunting for Miss willing to take 2nd place. Just look at all the thread giving out about Irish women here! Plenty of Princesses thats for sure.

Good luck OP!

John Mason

Deepsense wrote: »

.

Happy hunting for Miss willing to take 2nd place. Just look at all the thread giving out about Irish women here! Plenty of Princesses thats for sure.

Good luck OP!

It is not about being a princesses. would you have a problem if she said "sorry, you are too short for me" ?

Everybody has a right to their and there is a section of society for whom the idea of being lumbered with some else child just doesnt do it for them.

OP, you should be very glad she said it openly and not 6 months down the line. we all have our issues going into new relationships you have to keep looking for someone who doesnt have a problem with children

NewFrockTuesday

It is not about being a princesses.

I know pfb - that was in relation to his Prince Charming quip. Shoudda said.

Precisely. No point wasting anyones time. At least you didnt go to all the bother of meeting her and then find out....nevermind 6 months down the line!:eek:

AnonoBoy

Seems like you're over-reacting a bit to be honest.

But what sort of dating site are you on if she's listing threesomes as a hobby?

Pol Pot

as a single father Pol Pot got that attitude occasionally but not very often.

The best advice is to ignore them and walk away.
Pol Pot would not have even sent the final reply you did.

There are plenty of women out there who don't care whether you have a child or not.

In fact in Pol Pot's experience , he has been told by irish women (both irish and foreign) that the fact that he cares for his kid is a big attraction - this kudos vastly outweighs the odd negative comment.

Dunno what age the OP is? But as you get older this attitude usually fades away.

Don't get upset about it, personally I think you are too sensitive on the issue.

Faith

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

completely over-reacting tbh

I would never go near anyone who had children and i make no bones about it, i am very up front, as was the girl on the dating site.

i have used dating sites before and if anyone contacted me with children, i would tell them i wasnt interested.


i have nothing against single parents but i have no interest in children

I have to agree with this. I have huge admiration for single parents, they have a shít hard time generally. But I hardly even want kids of my own, never mind someone elses. I just wouldn't be interested in going out with someone who had children - at least, not at this stage in my life. Maybe when I'm in my 30's, I'd change my mind.

Aloysius Flyte

I don't think that there was anything wrong with her being honest. At least she got back to you rather than not bothering to respond.

Speaking from experience, my ex was divorced with 3 kids. That was hard being so far down the pecking order. I never would have asked to be put ahead of the kids, but it was hard coming 4th.

There are some people for whom its not an issue, but I'd be very reluctant to get involved again with someone who had children.

LegacyUser

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

I don't think that there was anything wrong with her being honest. At least she got back to you rather than not bothering to respond.

Speaking from experience, my ex was divorced with 3 kids. That was hard being so far down the pecking order. I never would have asked to be put ahead of the kids, but it was hard coming 4th.

There are some people for whom its not an issue, but I'd be very reluctant to get involved again with someone who had children.

I have to say I agree. I was in a similar situation (seeing a guy with kids) and found it hard. I would be reluctant to go there again but having said that every relationship is different and I wouldnt rule it out completely.

Your situation wasnt what she was looking for...best to just let it go and for you both to move on

LegacyUser

I think you over reacted as well.

She has criteria which she uses to pick a partner (like smoking, drinking, height, eye colour etc).

You have something she doesn't want a future partner to have - it could easily have been your hair colour or weight but in this case, it's your child.

And, she's 25 - outta college for a few years, world's her oyster (yaddiyada) - you must see why she mightn't want to date a guy with a kid.

LolaDub

As a single parent it surprises me how quickly people jump to the conclusion that your kid is now their kid from one drink

I manage fine with my daughter and i'm very happy with her, i don't feel any great need to find a man as quickly as possible to 'make an honest woman out of me' or to have more children with. If i meet someone and it happens then thats great but i see meeting people as the same thing as if i wasn't a parent. You meet, you get on, you get to know each other and see where it goes from there. I've only introduced my daughter to one boyfriend, who asked me to get to know her. I would want to know someone a bit better than a couple of dates to introduce them to my daughter. In an ideal world i could meet someone who loved her as a parent but as the saying goes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince-or princess as the case may be. Whats wrong with meeting people just to enjoy their company and not reaching to conclusions about where its going before you've even had a couple of dates.

It can be very hurtful when someone uses your child against you, as parents we care about them so much its hard to see why some people would consider them a negative but thats them, not you. At the end of the day you always have the love of your child and thats a wonderful thing regardless of how other people can see it.

LegacyUser

I have had similar said to me by men, they have regarded my daughter as 'baggage' which I take high offense to. I am not looking for a 'Dad' for her, she has one already!
I am looking for someone for me, but I suppose with response's like 'thanks but I'm looking for someone with less baggage' tells me they are definitely not for me.

To be honest I would not have responded to her last email, from reading her response I wouldn't have wasted time in replying.

Trinity

Oh I'm not suggesting for a minute that anyone would want to come second. And I am not denying that honesty is the best policy in this instance. And again I dont think having criteria is a bad thing at all.

But that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. If someone said to me sorry i dont date fat chicks, well hes being honest, but does it hurt - hell yes.

Now multiply this hurt by 10, when its something as precious as your child. A part of you. Something you wouldnt want to change for all the money in the world. Possibly one of the best things that ever happened to you. And someone is telling you if it wasnt for your kid i'd be with you, or at least give you a chance.

But its something we have to accept and learn to deal with cos not everyone likes kids.

OP it doesnt hurt any less the second or third time or ever in fact. But when you meet someone that loves you for you then you wont give a flying fart about the others and you will know everything happens for a reason.

Chinafoot

LolaDub wrote: »

It can be very hurtful when someone uses your child against you, as parents we care about them so much its hard to see why some people would consider them a negative but thats them, not you. At the end of the day you always have the love of your child and thats a wonderful thing regardless of how other people can see it.

While I would normally agree with your posts I have to say I completely disagree with your phrase "when someone uses your child against you". Thats very unfair. The girl in question politely and honestly told this guy that she wasn't looking for someone with a child. She's not interested in those circumstances, it's not like she put the child down. I think it would be prudent try and see it from the point of view of those without children. Your child is your world and you might think it sounds selfish, but perhaps this girl didn't want to have to share a man until she was sharing him with their own child. It doesn't make her a bad person.

Unregistered wrote: »

I have had similar said to me by men, they have regarded my daughter as 'baggage' which I take high offense to. I am not looking for a 'Dad' for her, she has one already!
I am looking for someone for me, but I suppose with response's like 'thanks but I'm looking for someone with less baggage' tells me they are definitely not for me.

My sister has an 11 year old step son and I can tell you now she is the first person to say that her relationship came with "baggage". Of course its baggage! Perhaps you see that as a negative word, I personally see it as a commonly used phrase to describe that kind of situation while not being in any way derogatory to the parent or the child.

My sister will tell you that having to contend with the child and the mother of the child while trying to get to know the man was very very difficult. You're entering a tough situation where you will be last in the pecking order. As the parent of a child you would probably say "and rightly so, my son/daughter is my number one priority and nobody should ever expect otherwise!" but the truth is for some people thats not enough. I don't see why they should be put down or punished for that. Things worked out for my sister but if she had decided to walk away I don't think she should have been thought any less of.

PixelTrawler

Def over reacting.

Be thankful she was so honest.

It saved maybe head scratching while you wonder why she was going cold on you (some women would have stopped contacting or brushed you off and left you wondering).

It also saved time wasted for both of you -

Move on...

Id go as far to say as she has more right to be annoyed as your mail back was a bit snotty although at least you seemed to realise it and apologies at the last line - although you still send it so you wanted her to know you were ticked off - hardly the act of a gent!

LolaDub

Chinafoot wrote: »

While I would normally agree with your posts I have to say I completely disagree with your phrase "when someone uses your child against you". Thats very unfair. The girl in question politely and honestly told this guy that she wasn't looking for someone with a child. She's not interested in those circumstances, it's not like she put the child down. I think it would be prudent try and see it from the point of view of those without children. Your child is your world and you might think it sounds selfish, but perhaps this girl didn't want to have to share a man until she was sharing him with their own child. It doesn't make her a bad person.

Nobody has judged the girl a bad person. The question by the op is should he be annoyed at it? Having been in the situation i have been annoyed by it but the silver lining is the person isn't for you if they expect to be no 1 in your life after a short time. Perhaps chinafoot, you consider it unfair because you may not have been in this situation? Before i had my daughter i had dated a single father a few years ago, there was absolutely no issue with this at the beginning. We got to know each other, it didn't work out and that was that. If it had become long term then we would have had something to work out but you can't forsee a long term relationship after 2 online messages. I have had several men change completely in how they acted towards me when they heard i was a mother. Some men use it to define you as a charity case and make out like i should be so so so grateful that such a fine man would lower himself to dating a single mother, others very clearly and somewhat cruelly have let me know that they're very interested and if i didn't have a child they'd be delighted to be with me but as i do they don't want anything to do with me.

As i said in my first post which was the main point that i was trying to make, i think people take one drink with a single parent and just assume they now have a step child. Imo this is absolutely ridiculous. Single parents will have relationships like everyone else, hoping for the best and enjoying meeting someone. It doesn't mean that they come as a package with a child, it just means that they have other responsibilities. If you meet someone who has a mortgage you don't expect to take on part of the mortgage when you start dating, likewise you shouldn't expect to take on the persons child.

jdivision

OP, I sympathise with you but your referred to your child as "it" in your emails and it really made me cringe. You sound like a good guy and I wish you well

Trinity

jdivision wrote: »

OP, I sympathise with you but your referred to your child as "it" in your emails and it really made me cringe. You sound like a good guy and I wish you well

Oh dont get too hung up on this he referred to his son as his wee man and "my son" several times.

The "it" was a term commonly used in pregnancies when "its" a foetus or an embryo and you dont know "its" sex for example

Are you going to keep "it"
Do you know what "it" is yet
What are you going to name "it"

I'm sure this was just an expression, i've said it myself and meant absolutely no harm and it doesnt reflect on me as a parent or a person and he was talking about the pregnancy. I'd only worry if we called our children an "it" after "it" was born

Malari

LolaDub wrote: »

As i said in my first post which was the main point that i was trying to make, i think people take one drink with a single parent and just assume they now have a step child. Imo this is absolutely ridiculous. Single parents will have relationships like everyone else, hoping for the best and enjoying meeting someone. It doesn't mean that they come as a package with a child, it just means that they have other responsibilities. If you meet someone who has a mortgage you don't expect to take on part of the mortgage when you start dating, likewise you shouldn't expect to take on the persons child.

I take your point, and I have dated guys in the past with qualities I knew in the back of my mind I have issues with (smoker, shorter than me) but unless you are really only in it for the short-term, a child is going to be a part of your relationship. It will be mentioned constantly, even if you don't ever meet the kid - getting a babysitter, can't meet up on such a night, have to take it to doctor. It's not about taking on the child as a parent, but you will have to address it sooner or later.

Dating someone with a child is not something I would ever consider. It's a constant reminder of a previous relationship that would put me off too, not to mind the fact that you're going out with someone who may be in touch with their ex a lot.

biko

Malari wrote: »

To be honest I thought her mail was reasonable (apart from the strange comment about you wanting something casual). She wasn't rude, she was upfront and honest and had every right to tell you exactly what she expected in a man she was looking to meet.

There are so many threads here complaining that people aren't honest enough so I think you can't be too hurt just because she's looking for something else.

metaoblivia wrote: »

I thought she was very polite and came across very well. You on the other hand... total overreaction in my opinion. I think she had a lucky escape and probably realized that when you sent that last response.

I agree with these posts. OP, don't worry though. There'll be another along soon who will be better for you, and your son. Good luck

Sugar Drunk

Give the girl a break. She was honest about not wanting to date someone with kids and she is entitled to feel that way. Other people will not want to date a smoker or someone with pets so its all abour preference.

I am dating someone with two kids. I do not want kids myself and would not have chosen to go out with someone who had them but I feel in love with this guy so I had to make sacrifices. Dating someone with kids is very difficult at times. You will never be the main priority in the relationship or in the other persons life. There are always more than two people in the relationship and it can often be difficult dealing with the other persons relationship with the kids other parent.


I have had to accept my boyfriends kids will always be more important to him than me. I have to accept that he has a close relationship with his ex and that I have to allow her opinions and what she wants to impact our life. we can never just go off somewhere on the spur of the moment, we rarely have a weekend to ourselves and everything has to be planned in advance and checked with the ex to see if it suits her.

Sometimes I would love to experience what its like to be with a guy where you are the main priority and where you can makes plans at the drop of a hat. I would not give up my boyfriend for the world though but I am just saying its not something I would advise a girl to enter into lightly.Its really not fair of you to judge a girl just because she would rather date a guy who does not have kids

Pyr0

She's just stating her personal dating needs, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go out with someone with kids. Its a personal taste, everyone has them. Hers just happens to not include children from previous relationships.

ChickCool

is it just me who thinks she came on way to strong for a online message?im surprised you didnt leg it after the ouch my ovaries comment op!ive dated single dads to and only met one kid.tbh i never thought of how little the kids effected the relationships,if i think back very little tbh no more than a hobby or meeting up with the lads.im sure if i had wanted to be more involved in the kids life that would have been ok but i cant see any of them begging me to be. if they had of asked me to meet there kids i would have taken it as a compliment that they thought so much of me.having said that i personally dont want kids.

LegacyUser

Am I the only one concerned that he puts a picture of his child on an internet dating site?
That sounds a bit dangerous to me, you might want to put yourself out there and meet people but that doens't mean your son does!

You wouldn't know what kind of weirdos would be lookin at it either.

With regards to this lady, well you have to have a thick skin about it, some people don't want to be involved with other people's children, not always because they are selfish and have to come first etc but because they don't want to get involved with your past, it's hard to explain.

Forget this one and move on.
Don't concentrate on what she said or what she meant by it etc theres no point

LolaDub

Malari wrote: »

I take your point, and I have dated guys in the past with qualities I knew in the back of my mind I have issues with (smoker, shorter than me) but unless you are really only in it for the short-term, a child is going to be a part of your relationship. It will be mentioned constantly, even if you don't ever meet the kid - getting a babysitter, can't meet up on such a night, have to take it to doctor. It's not about taking on the child as a parent, but you will have to address it sooner or later.

Dating someone with a child is not something I would ever consider. It's a constant reminder of a previous relationship that would put me off too, not to mind the fact that you're going out with someone who may be in touch with their ex a lot.

Recently i was on a few dates with a smoker, which is a habit that i can't stand. It wasn't my issue it was his. He wasn't blowing the smoke into my face like i wasn't shoving nappies in his face.

If someone you were dating couldn't meet up with you due to their job, would you have as much a problem is it then or is it just children? People have commitments, be it work, friends, hobbies or children. If you like someone those things are workable.

As regards being in touch with their ex, that isn't something you should assume because someone has a child. The communication is unique to each situation, some people may have no contact with their ex's, for most it would be minimal and restricted to the welfare of the child, others may have a lot. I would imagine knowing that the relationship ended despite a child would probably be something that should put your insecurities to rest, not increase them! You know that even though they had a child they still broke up, they probably did what they could to work through it for the sake of their child but it didn't work. Everybody has a past including parents and including you, if you can't accept people have a past i would imagine that would create problems in any relationship not just one with single parents.

LegacyUser

I have had that reaction in the past (I'm a mum), you get used to it and realise it's they have the right to feel that way (it's a democracy).
However I am always amazed at how butt ugly some of the men who say that are

Malari

LolaDub wrote: »

Recently i was on a few dates with a smoker, which is a habit that i can't stand. It wasn't my issue it was his. He wasn't blowing the smoke into my face like i wasn't shoving nappies in his face.

That's fine for you maybe, but sooner or later it would be an issue for me.

LolaDub wrote: »

If someone you were dating couldn't meet up with you due to their job, would you have as much a problem is it then or is it just children? People have commitments, be it work, friends, hobbies or children. If you like someone those things are workable.

Yes, children are different - they are people, not inanimate work committments.

LolaDub wrote: »

As regards being in touch with their ex, that isn't something you should assume because someone has a child. The communication is unique to each situation, some people may have no contact with their ex's, for most it would be minimal and restricted to the welfare of the child, others may have a lot. I would imagine knowing that the relationship ended despite a child would probably be something that should put your insecurities to rest, not increase them! You know that even though they had a child they still broke up, they probably did what they could to work through it for the sake of their child but it didn't work. Everybody has a past including parents and including you, if you can't accept people have a past i would imagine that would create problems in any relationship not just one with single parents.

Well I know that not everyone is in touch with their ex, that's why I deliberately didn't tar all single parents with the same brush. I said they "may" be.

And no, it's not about insecurities. I don't want to hear about my boyfriends exes, be they married to someone else, overseas, dead, or the parent of his child. It doesn't concern my relationship with him. A child will result in talking about that person if they are in touch with the other parent. I accept that everyone has a past. In my relationship that's where it stays.

LegacyUser

While I would normally agree with your posts I have to say I completely disagree with your phrase "when someone uses your child against you". Thats very unfair. The girl in question politely and honestly told this guy that she wasn't looking for someone with a child. She's not interested in those circumstances, it's not like she put the child down. I think it would be prudent try and see it from the point of view of those without children. Your child is your world and you might think it sounds selfish, but perhaps this girl didn't want to have to share a man until she was sharing him with their own child. It doesn't make her a bad person.

Chinafoot wrote: »

My sister has an 11 year old step son and I can tell you now she is the first person to say that her relationship came with "baggage". Of course its baggage!

Where in the dictionary does it state that a child or children is another word for baggage?

Chinafoot wrote: »

My sister will tell you that having to contend with the child and the mother of the child while trying to get to know the man was very very difficult. You're entering a tough situation where you will be last in the pecking order. As the parent of a child you would probably say "and rightly so, my son/daughter is my number one priority and nobody should ever expect otherwise!" but the truth is for some people thats not enough. I don't see why they should be put down or punished for that. Things worked out for my sister but if she had decided to walk away I don't think she should have been thought any less of.

Your sister need not tell me anything I don't already know about having a relationship with a guy and his children and their mother, I married a man with children from a previous relationship and never once did I refer to them as baggage.

LolaDub

Malari wrote: »

That's fine for you maybe, but sooner or later it would be an issue for me.

I'm not denying it wouldn't be an issue for me later on. I really dislike smoking and definitely think it would be something i'd have to look at again if it was long term but you won't know how you feel about someone until you spend time with them and get to know them. Whats the worst that can happen?- you get to know someone early stages, have some fun and decide they're not for you. Or you might find you have a better connection that outweighs other things you feel are negatives like children, smoking, etc

Yes, children are different - they are people, not inanimate work committments.

I'm not suggesting children are not people from your previous post i was making the point that there are reasons in every relationship why people may not have time for one another, its not something that only happens with children.

Well I know that not everyone is in touch with their ex, that's why I deliberately didn't tar all single parents with the same brush. I said they "may" be.

And no, it's not about insecurities. I don't want to hear about my boyfriends exes, be they married to someone else, overseas, dead, or the parent of his child. It doesn't concern my relationship with him. A child will result in talking about that person if they are in touch with the other parent. I accept that everyone has a past. In my relationship that's where it stays.

Personally i understand my partners have a past, i think if i was to get upset at a mention of an ex it would tell me something was wrong with the relationship. The advantage to a new partner of dating a single parent here is that you are able to enquire as to the full history of the relationship to put your mind at rest. Obviously this is how i think and you think differently. Thats fair enough and its beneficial to the thread to see how someone from a different point of view would think.

Malari

LolaDub wrote: »

Personally i understand my partners have a past, i think if i was to get upset at a mention of an ex it would tell me something was wrong with the relationship. The advantage to a new partner of dating a single parent here is that you are able to enquire as to the full history of the relationship to put your mind at rest. Obviously this is how i think and you think differently. Thats fair enough and its beneficial to the thread to see how someone from a different point of view would think.

Was just going to say this. I am in a happy, healthy, long-term, open relationship but I don't like to think about him with anyone else. It's not insecure. I think the same way about my parents. I've always been like that since I was a kid too. Every one is different.

Mr. Incognito

Malari-

You don't want to hear about ex's or kids and you're in an open realtionship.

Great for you. Go start your own thread.

Could a mod lock this please, thanks to all that replied.

iguana

LolaDub wrote: »

I'm not denying it wouldn't be an issue for me later on. I really dislike smoking and definitely think it would be something i'd have to look at again if it was long term but you won't know how you feel about someone until you spend time with them and get to know them. Whats the worst that can happen?- you get to know someone early stages, have some fun and decide they're not for you. Or you might find you have a better connection that outweighs other things you feel are negatives like children, smoking, etc

But if you are looking for a relationship there is no point in pursuing something with somebody you know from the start you are incompatible with. If someone has a child and you know you don't want to be in a relationship with someone with a child then you are just leading them on. It's better to not continue something that you know won't go anywhere.

That said when I was turning someone down I'd never tell them it was because of something which wasn't their fault but they couldn't change. Like telling a guy he's too short for you, or too fat. I'd be more inclined to say I was getting back with an ex. Honesty is all very well, but tact has it's place too.

LolaDub

iguana wrote: »

But if you are looking for a relationship there is no point in pursuing something with somebody you know from the start you are incompatible with. If someone has a child and you know you don't want to be in a relationship with someone with a child then you are just leading them on. It's better to not continue something that you know won't go anywhere.

That said when I was turning someone down I'd never tell them it was because of something which wasn't their fault but they couldn't change. Like telling a guy he's too short for you, or too fat. I'd be more inclined to say I was getting back with an ex. Honesty is all very well, but tact has it's place too.

How do you know you're imcompatible? Because you've pre judged the relationship without knowing the person.

I wouldn't agree with your point about dishonesty when ending it. I think honesty helps both partys move on. There is no reason to drag out cruelty but lying to someone about why a relationship ends only serves to preserve cowardice.

ChickCool

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Malari-

You don't want to hear about ex's or kids and you're in an open realtionship.

Great for you. Go start your own thread.

Could a mod lock this please, thanks to all that replied.

a whole new thing here!an open relationship is a different story altogether obviously noone wants to hear about other people uve been with but maybe if u cant handle then then open relationship isnt for u.hope u found what u needed op

iguana

LolaDub wrote: »

How do you know you're imcompatible? Because you've pre judged the relationship without knowing the person.

I wouldn't agree with your point about dishonesty when ending it. I think honesty helps both partys move on. There is no reason to drag out cruelty but lying to someone about why a relationship ends only serves to preserve cowardice.

Because there is no way on earth I would ever want to be in a relationship with someone with a child. I went out with a guy with a child before. I went into the relationship with an open mind, but as it went on I discovered that being with somebody with a child was too hard for me. Tbh, when I have a baby it will be a new experience and I want to have that baby with somebody to whom it's also all new to.

Recent events have compounded that for me, I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago and if my husband already had a child I would resent that so much. I know those feelings wouldn't last forever but at this point in time the whole situation would be too much to bare. I'd hate him, I'd hate his ex, I'd hate the child a little and most of all I'd hate me for feeling like that.

I get what you are saying about honesty being best and I'd normally agree. But a year after things ended with my ex (the one with the baby) we met up again and he wanted me to get back together with him. If it hadn't been for his son I would have given it a shot, but as I'd realised being with a parent wasn't something I could do, I wasn't interested. I really don't see what good would have come from telling him that the most important person in his life was standing in our way. It would only have made him feel bad, you yourself have said that it's made you feel awful when people have told you similar. I couldn't care less what he thought about me, but I'd rather not have given him cause to resent his situation.