Friend is ugly...should I tell her?

JohnGalt

A friend of mine is in trouble with her love life. She just broke up with a boy who she has known since she was a child and has never really experienced another relationship because she as been basically in the same one since about 14. She is 21 now. She keeps telling me that she can't meet a new guy, and she asks me if I think she is ugly. I haven't really said anything yet, but I think that he looks might be a factor in her failure to get in contact with any new guys. All my friends know her and she is referred to as an ugly pig, trainwreck or a face like a shotgun suicide, the usual insensitive remarks said behind peoples backs. So my question is, is she better knowing that she is not attractive, or should I say nothing and hope she meets a new guy before I put my foot in it and misinterpret her fishing for compliments and a much needed boosted in self esteem with an actual question requiring a factual answer. Any help would be appreciated.

Lollipops23

JohnGalt wrote: »

All my friends know her and she is referred to as an ugly pig, trainwreck or a face like a shotgun suicide, the usual insensitive remarks said behind peoples backs.

i'm so glad i have no friends like yours. this is not "usual", it's bullying and bitching.i hope for your sake you're an absolute beauty.say nothing and do this poor girl a favour and leave her alone.

easyontheeye

jasus definitely do not tell her, its hardly going to make her feel better! :eek:

maybe suggest some changes, new hair style, weight loss i dunno but dont tell the girl to " face it your ugly"

she did have a boyfriend so obviously he found her attractive...so theres bound to be someone else that does too.


tbh your coming across like an arrogant cnut! who gives you the right to make a girl who is already suffering from low self esteem even worse.... im fuming now!

Varkov

I deffinatly would not say that to her, it would be absolutly devistating for her self confidence.

Maybe a female friend of hers would be better off broaching the subject. Maybe just going for a beauty day (or whatever you'd call it) and saying something lighthearted after like "Wow you look fantastic" or "that was worth the money".

Katgurl

well you sound a great friend. jesus christ. and no, they aren't the usual remarks made, if i heard anythig like that about a friend of mine, it would not be tolerated.

codeblack

For the love of God, do not tell her you think shes ugly! All it will do is hurt her and destroy any self esteme she has after her big break up. Fair enough you and your friends are not attracted to her, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and someone thought she was beautiful and wonderful enough to be in a relationship with her for years. Sooner or later she will find someone new but in the meantime she doesnt need you hurting her unnecessarily even if you think you would be doing it in her best interest.

i-digress

How in the name of God would insulting the girl help her? And is the thrust of your argument that she was lucky to get one boyfriend, so she should stick with him regardless?! :eek:

JohnGalt

easyontheeye wrote: »

tbh your coming across like an arrogant cnut! who gives you the right to make a girl who is already suffering from low self esteem even worse.... im fuming now!

Personal attacks aside, I am wonder if it might be better to just make a clean break and decide, okay, so I am not attractive, I will have to live with it, rather than thinking maybe I am attractive, just to be shot down inevitably when she finds out that she isn't after having her hopes built up.

Jimmy Bottlehead

easyontheeye wrote: »

jasus definitely do not tell her, its hardly going to make her feel better! :eek:

maybe suggest some changes, new hair style, weight loss i dunno but dont tell the girl to " face it your ugly"

she did have a boyfriend so obviously he found her attractive...so theres bound to be someone else that does too.


tbh your coming across like an arrogant cnut! who gives you the right to make a girl who is already suffering from low self esteem even worse.... im fuming now!

Whoa!! Slow down!!

The OP is asking a legit question. Now, people (such as yourself) can get on the moral high horse thats so easy to get on online, and claim that nobody is ugly. But in the real world... people are. Some are attractive and some aren't. Most are in between, and a few are repulsive to all.

The OP also never said it was the girls friends who said the bitchy comments, he said it was his (I presume its a he with John in the username) friends.

OP, I'd say don't tell this girl she is ugly. Even if she is, it'll do her no good. There's no positive to that statement. As suggested, tell her to maybe get in better shape, or get some new clothes or a hairstyle, etc.

peanut66

If you really feel that your friend is not having any luck with the fellas due to her appearance, then you don't have to come out with ''its because your an ugly pig'' as some of your friends seem to think. Why not tell her that you don't think so, give her a confidence boost and maybe suggest she makes a clean break from the previous relationship and that she reinvents herself.
Alot of people seem to go for an image change once they have come out of a long term relationship and it might be no harm to suggest ways she could do this i.e. new hairstyle, go shopping for new clothes, make up. Then take her out on the town and start introducing her to your mates and they could find that she is actually a great person who they get on great with.
You obviously enjoy her company, she just needs the confidence to get back out there and meet new people, and I know I always feel better after a new haircut or Ive picked up a new outfit to wear out.
You can give her a confidence boost and give her some advice at the same time. I have to say some of your friends sound like idiots to me by the way.....I suppose all of them are stud muffins are they??

Dudess

Well if she's asking you whether you think she's ugly, she's obviously not too confident about her looks anyway, so why not suggest she try a new make-up look? Or just make-up full stop if she doesn't wear it?
Only do this though when she herself is going on about her looks - as in, "well I don't think you're ugly but if you're that worried about how you look, why not try xyz? It might be brilliant for your confidence."

SpookyDoll

Just to clarify in case you are genuine, she is not looking for a factual answer, so keep your thoughts to yourself on her looks.

Its very unlikely that at age 21 she is in any doubt that she is no oil painting. She knows alright.

Best say nothing at all.

dennistuam

i tell her if she had dog breath or smells a bit, but i dont think it would help her esteem if you told her she was one of the lee sisters uglee

easyontheeye

JohnGalt wrote: »

Personal attacks aside, I am wonder if it might be better to just make a clean break and decide, okay, so I am not attractive, I will have to live with it, rather than thinking maybe I am attractive, just to be shot down inevitably when she finds out that she isn't after having her hopes built up.

why not try helping in a positive way rather than with a shut up and lump it attitude. This is one time were the truth will certainly not help.

Dudess

easyontheeye wrote: »

tbh your coming across like an arrogant cnut! who gives you the right to make a girl who is already suffering from low self esteem even worse.... im fuming now!

If your username is accurate, then it's kinda easy for you to make statements like that...
I doubt the OP wants to hurt her anyway...

Lollipops23

who the hell cares if she IS ugly?what gives him the right to say that?he could ruin what little self-esteem this girl has by being a critical arsehole.

Kiera

Oh my god. NO! Don’t ever tell her. There are a lot of people out there that wouldn’t be the best looking but they have wonderful personalities and that’s what counts. My ex wasn’t a looker and I didn’t fancy him when we first met but he was a great guy and I fell for his personality and after a while I found him irresistible.

If you tell her this you will knock her confidence and she’ll become a self conscious wall-flower and never get a man.

elle

OP what exactly do you think you will achieve by telling this girl she is ugly? DO you think she will appreciate it? Would you appreciate someone telling you that? I doubt she'll turn around and say Oh so THAT's where I'm going wrong! Cheers for pointing that one out to me. If she is your friend I think you will only drive her away and destroy whatever self esteem she has by telling her this. I think it would be a pretty cruel thing to do to be honest with ya.

TheZohanS

There is no such thing as an ugly person, you'll find that there is someone out there for everyone.

She might not be your type or your peers type but I would guarantee that she will meet someone that thinks she's the most beautiful girl in the world.

Your opinion on her looks doesn't count!

SAVE_ME.222

Such charming people in finglas.

barbiegirl

First things first, what is ugly to you is not ugly to everyone. Do NOT under any circumstamces give her your opinon on her looks. Everyone has good features, their smile, their eyes, their skin, their hair. LOve and attraction have lottle to do with classic good looks, more to do with chemistry. She will find someone who loves her for who she is, but not if you destrot whatever self esteem she has.
As a guy you are not the one to take her on beauty trips etc. However for Xmas how about all her mates throw €10 a head in, talk to her family get them to contribute too and give her a make over, this will boost her self esteem, and help her make the most of her good points.
You must be young to even ask the question, everyone knows we women ask questions we don't want honest answers to.

JohnGalt

TheZohan wrote: »

There is no such thing as an ugly person, you'll find that there is someone out there for everyone.

She might not be your type or your peers type but I would guarantee that she will meet someone that thinks she's the mot beautiful girl in the world.

Your opinion on her looks doesn't count!

There is such thing as an ugly person, my friend is ugly! You are referring to characteristics which can make up for a lack of physical beauty, which I admit can often be just as attractive, but the fact remains that the physical appearance remains unappealing, regardless of whatever PC spin one puts on it

qwytre

JohnGalt wrote: »

A friend of mine is in trouble with her love life. She just broke up with a boy who she has known since she was a child and has never really experienced another relationship because she as been basically in the same one since about 14. She is 21 now. She keeps telling me that she can't meet a new guy, and she asks me if I think she is ugly. I haven't really said anything yet, but I think that he looks might be a factor in her failure to get in contact with any new guys. All my friends know her and she is referred to as an ugly pig, trainwreck or a face like a shotgun suicide, the usual insensitive remarks said behind peoples backs. So my question is, is she better knowing that she is not attractive, or should I say nothing and hope she meets a new guy before I put my foot in it and misinterpret her fishing for compliments and a much needed boosted in self esteem with an actual question requiring a factual answer. Any help would be appreciated.

Are you totally dumb?

Why would you even consider telling her or anyone else that they are ugly?

"Ugly" is a definitive word like saying something is either black or white when there are loads of shades of gray in between. Seriously get a fecking brain cell.

Dudess

Sorry, but "ugly" can be objective. Just like Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp are good-looking, even if some people don't find them attractive, there are also people who are ugly, even if some people do find them attractive.

Now if someone were to say "Dannii Minogue is so ****ing ugly" well they're talking crap because she clearly isn't. She may not be attractive to them but that does not make her ugly in the universal sense.

Very few people are ugly though... most people are in-between looking (including me, before someone screams "I suppose you're perfect looking" at me).

I can't stand this idealistic bullsh1t. It's not cruel to consider a person ugly (but never say it to their face as those words must cut like a knife, even if the person knows themselves they're unattractive). It's cruel to say stuff like "I'd never speak to an ugly person", "I don't like ugly people" etc... which, no doubt, someone will post on this thread.

celticbhoy27

JohnGalt wrote: »

There is such thing as an ugly person, my friend is ugly!
omg i think she needs a new friend nothing else!! i could never say one of my friends were ugly

Bottle_of_Smoke

Guys lay off the OP! sounds liek she's trying to help the girl.

Dedess gave good advice. The girl is 99% sure she's ugly, it's very unfair to be putting you under the pressure of confirming it. If you do she can cry and cry about it and if anyone says anything to the contrary she can blame YOU.

Tell her it makes you uncomfortable to comment on something like that but only if Dudess's method fails.

siobhan.murphy

I would tell her u are absolutely right.
the she can see wha a bitch u really are along with the so called friends.
FRIENDS LIKE U AND ALL THAT COME TO MIND:mad:
by the way who the hell are u to say if she is ugly?

Dudess

Oh Jesus Christ. The OP can't help how HE feels. Hilarious the way people here are so deluded they think they'd never consider someone ugly-looking - get your heads out of the clouds. You're not that perfect.

celticbhoy27 wrote: »

omg i think she needs a new friend nothing else!! i could never say one of my friends were ugly

But the OP didn't say it to her (which is what I presume you mean). And I'm sure if one of your friends was ugly, you'd think it... you're not that infallible, believe me.

j0605

Do not tell her she is ugly, (ugly is such a disgusting word)
just because you and some other "friends" of hers don't find her attractive doesn't mean that every body will think she is unattractive.

I don't think you, a boy, suggesting a change of hairstyle or clothes would be a good idea but maybe another female friend could make some suggestions.

but remember, each eye forms it's own beauty

mikemac

She knows the answer, she doesn't need you to reply.

Much the same way if a girl asks you to comment on their weight, they don't actually want a blunt honest answer

So she knows already, she was looking for reassurance "ah shure you're gorgeous......." and you didn't give it.
You were supposed to answer on the spot and you've come here instead.

Forget about it and it might not be raised again.
If you want to be a friend, save some cash and the two of ye can go shopping, maybe a day out to Belfast and get some bargains & fashionable clothes

celticbhoy27

he didnt say it to her but he just said it to all of us that she IS ugly, not thinks she is but IS! just saying id never say that about a friend, think your confusing being infallible with simple loyalty

Dudess

SAVE_ME.222 wrote: »

Such charming people in finglas.

See you're probably all outraged by the OP's post... yet there you are, using where he's from to insult him. And he's one person, not "people".

celticbhoy27 wrote: »

he didnt say it to her but he just said it to all of us that she IS ugly, not thinks she is but IS! just saying id never say that about a friend, think your confusing being infallible with simple loyalty

Well it's an anonymous message board. I agree the word is harsh, but the OP's issue in a nutshell is "I've a friend who, I'm sorry to say, is not blessed in the looks department - I even hear my friends making cruel remarks about her appearance all the time. Should I be honest and tell her that guys don't go for her because of her looks?" And no, he certainly shouldn't. But you can't castigate him for being of the view that this girl is not attractive looking. Perhaps he shouldn't use the word "ugly" though...

I've a feeling many people who are taking such issue with the OP are in the good-looking category and are looking down from a nice cushy ivory tower...

Marksie

easyontheeye and siobhan.murphy less of the personal name calling of the OP please. Try to keep it civil folks.
If your angry, step away from the keyboard

Biggins

I would (if I really had to) approach the friend at some point and say something like...

"I'm sorry others didn't see the real you. They judged a book by its cover and don't bother to read the actual contents. There is much better looking folk out there better than you or I (include yourself) and there always will be, that said some of these better looking people are right personality sods, untrustworthy and incapable of holding down a relationship. You clearly have them beat on those three points alone...
Others might have called you nothing special but I would call you different and think you are a hidden gem. If they didn't take the time to discover you - stuff them! Lets get new friends..."

celticbhoy27

celticbhoy27 wrote: »

omg i think she needs a new friend nothing else!! i could never say one of my friends were ugly

So your friends are all models?


In all honesty, part of why my best friends and I are best friends is because we're frank with each other.
Personally if I ask an honest question I would like an honest answer, not a patronising one

I'd second the constructive tips advice given.

celticbhoy27

never said they were models just said that id never call any of em ugly cause there mates, as for it being an anonymous forum, well it is that unless the op gives out his name, where hes from and where he works, in his profile

MagicMarker

I can't believe this is even getting serious responses. But i'll indulge the OP.

No.

JohnGalt

celticbhoy27 wrote: »

never said they were models just said that id never call any of em ugly cause there mates, as for it being an anonymous forum, well it is that unless the op gives out his name, where hes from and where he works, in his profile

Well thats that answered then, I guess we know who John Galt is now!

(Does anybody on this forum get that)

Just because you wouldn't call a friend ugly to their face doesn't mean that they are not ugly, or that you don't hold that opinion privately

St Bill

OP you sound like a crap friend.....that's my opinion, maybe other people think you're great. I really don't see what your issue is......but I'll take your bait and say you shouldn't tell your friend that she's ugly, no 'ifs' 'ands' or 'buts'. You might get a self-satisfied feeling of being a 'guardian of the truth' or some bullsh*t, but that's it.

celticbhoy27

hardly a riddle man! you posted your name as kevin moran your from finglas and you work in tesco jus replying to a previous post about anonymity

JohnGalt

celticbhoy27 wrote: »

hardly a riddle man! you posted your name as kevin moran your from finglas and you work in tesco jus replying to a previous post about anonymity

Hmmm, yes it was a joke, in reference my name John Galt, it is in reference to a book. And yes, my name is on my profile, who cares, are you going to come and get me now?

John Mason

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. may be you and your friends dont find her attractive but that doesnt mean that other people wont. Personally,i think brad pitt is ugly as sin - thats my opinion.

Also beauty is only skin deep. i have seen some very beautiful people turn ugly overnight because there are ugly on the instead and particular guy i went to school was no oil painting but the more i got to know him the more beautiful be started to look because he was a wonderful person.

to judge someone on their looks alone make you out to be a very shallow and selfish person.

celticbhoy27

oh dear god do you read the answers to your own questions?? that was a reference to another posters comment on anonymity!!! as for coming to get you sorry mate your not my type your too ugly

metaoblivia

OP, You should not tell your friend that you or your other friends think she's ugly for several reasons.

1. She probably already knows that her looks aren't a major selling point.
2. If she truly is ugly, there's very little that can be done to "fix" it, barring drastic measures.
3. While you and your friends may find her ugly and unattractive, someone else could find her attractive. You don't speak for every person in the entire world.
4. It will be a major blow to her confidence. Ugly yet confident and accepting in who you are as a person sells a lot better than ugly, lacking confidence and fixating on things you cannot change.

Dudess

St Bill wrote: »

OP you sound like a crap friend

Why? What's he done that's so crap? His friend is very upset over this break-up, she feels she's unattractive, the OP is being honest in saying that yes, she's not attractive... and he's wondering whether he should confirm it for. I don't think he should, but he hasn't actually done anything to her. In fact he's wondering if the truth would be of benefit to her. It's misguided sure, it would break her heart... but maybe it doesn't seem so black and white to him.

I really don't see what your issue is

His issue is: his friend is upset about a break-up and doesn't feel like she'll get another guy and asks him if she's unattractive... and he's wondering whether he should just confirm it to her.

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. may be you and your friends dont find her attractive but that doesnt mean that other people wont. Personally,i think brad pitt is ugly as sin - thats my opinion.

But surely you realise he's good-looking in the general sense, even if he isn't attractive to you personally? I find the guy in the Aero ad who was in Sex in the City exceptionally unattractive... but I don't think he's ugly. In fact I think it would be ludicrous to refer to him as ugly.

Also beauty is only skin deep. i have seen some very beautiful people turn ugly overnight because there are ugly on the instead and particular guy i went to school was no oil painting but the more i got to know him the more beautiful be started to look because he was a wonderful person.

All completely true, but a lot of people - and good people too - tend to go for looks initially when seeking a partner.

to judge someone on their looks alone make you out to be a very shallow and selfish person.

That's not even relevant here.

Wantobe

Why do you think she is ugly objectively?

Could she be jolie laide, especially if she has an inner confidence and good friends?

CavanGal

JohnGalt wrote: »

All my friends know her and she is referred to as an ugly pig, trainwreck or a face like a shotgun suicide, the usual insensitive remarks said behind peoples backs.

Personally I see this as something that the OP has done wrong. He doesn't say he uses these words himself but the fact that he doesn't defend his friend is disloyal in itself. If I heard my friends speak about another friend like this I would be furious and disgusted! We all know people who wouldn't be considered as studs by the majority of the population but there are ways of discussing this without using the heartless comments the OP thinks are normal!

OP I think you need to grow a pair and realise what it means to be a loyal friend! As for the problem with your friends lovelife, gorgeous people can be single for years so just reassure your friend that the right guy will come along and ensure she has fun with her "friends" while she's waiting.

JDLK

Its certainly an interesting dilemma, loads of opinions. I would say the most practical thing to tell her you dont think she is ugly,

Dont ham it up by saying she's gorgeous or anything just say you dont think she's ugly

Dudess

CavanGal wrote: »

Personally I see this as something that the OP has done wrong. He doesn't say he uses these words himself but the fact that he doesn't defend his friend is disloyal in itself. If I heard my friends speak about another friend like this I would be furious and disgusted! We all know people who wouldn't be considered as studs by the majority of the population but there are ways of discussing this without using the heartless comments the OP thinks are normal!

OP I think you need to grow a pair and realise what it means to be a loyal friend!

Sorry, but where is the proof the OP doesn't defend her to his friends?

Just had a proper look back at this thread - some serious high-horse occupying going on. Maybe re-read the OP's post rather than throwing up kneejerk "zomg he called a girl ugly, what a cruel PIG!!!" comments :rolleyes:

JohnGalt wrote: »

She keeps telling me that she can't meet a new guy, and she asks me if I think she is ugly. I haven't really said anything yet, but I think that he looks might be a factor in her failure to get in contact with any new guys. All my friends know her and she is referred to as an ugly pig, trainwreck or a face like a shotgun suicide, the usual insensitive remarks said behind peoples backs. So my question is, is she better knowing that she is not attractive, or should I say nothing and hope she meets a new guy before I put my foot in it and misinterpret her fishing for compliments and a much needed boosted in self esteem with an actual question requiring a factual answer.

easyontheeye wrote: »

who gives you the right to make a girl who is already suffering from low self esteem even worse.... im fuming now!

He didn't say he has the right to make a girl who is already suffering from low self esteem even worse. He asked whether it would be wise to confirm to her what she keeps asking. Naive? Yes. Malicious? Not necessarily.

Lollipops23 wrote: »

i'm so glad i have no friends like yours. this is not "usual", it's bullying and bitching.

Exactly. Friends like his... not the OP himself. Do you hold him accountable for what his friends say or something? And be realistic, plenty of guys, even sound ones, say sh1t like that about girls. It's horrible, I don't like it myself, but it's a reality. After Hours in particular has taught me that.

i hope for your sake you're an absolute beauty

Completely missing the point. He doesn't say these things, his friends do. And he's not criticising her looks, he's merely stating what his opinion on them are, because it's relevant to his question.

Katgurl wrote: »

well you sound a great friend. jesus christ. and no, they aren't the usual remarks made, if i heard anythig like that about a friend of mine, it would not be tolerated.

How does he seem so bad as a friend may I ask? There is nothing in his post to suggest he's not a really good friend to her. So he thinks she's unattractive looking and this may be affecting her chances of meeting guys. Oh how cruel of him... for being realistic. And again, where's your proof he tolerates those comments about her?

floatingsmartie wrote: »

Fair enough you and your friends are not attracted to her

It's not a question of whether he's attracted to her, she's his friend and it's platonic.

Lollipops23 wrote: »

who the hell cares if she IS ugly?what gives him the right to say that?he could ruin what little self-esteem this girl has by being a critical arsehole.

Wow. So he's describing something he observes and that makes him critical. And she seems to care whether she's ugly... because she keeps asking him.

TheZohan wrote: »

There is no such thing as an ugly person, you'll find that there is someone out there for everyone.

She might not be your type or your peers type but I would guarantee that she will meet someone that thinks she's the most beautiful girl in the world.

Your opinion on her looks doesn't count!

barbiegirl wrote: »

First things first, what is ugly to you is not ugly to everyone.

Sorry, but again, unattractiveness can be objective. And the OP's opinion on her looks is that they are hampering her chances of meeting someone - not guaranteeing she won't meet anyone mind, but considerably affecting her chances... and there is nothing wrong with that view. It's called being realistic.

siobhan.murphy wrote: »

by the way who the hell are u to say if she is ugly?

Um... in the same way as he might say she was beautiful - if that were the case. It's an observation and relevant to what she keeps asking herself, it's not a criticism.

Jeesh...

tommyboy2222

face like a shotgun suicide

I've never heard that one before!! :eek:

Tell her she just hasn't met the right person yet. But she will.

Karmaa

Sweet jaysus you must be some oil painting, have you never heard the term, 'It's the imperfections of a person that makes them more interesting, nobody is perfect'.
That also includes you and your so called friends, imagine what they say about you when your not around to hear them!!
With friends like you and yours this girl wont be needing enemies.