Dishonesty, or just attitude?

LegacyUser

I've just had my heart sunk again. Chatting to a lovely girl online. Met her on a dating site. Really like this girl, and she me. It's so hard to meet the right girl, and I only encounter a girl I might click with maybe once every few months.

So here we go again, lovely girl, chatter, chatter, what do you do, what are your interests, then she casually drops it into the conversation, she only smokes two or three cigarettes a night.

* clunk *

Her profile said she was a NON smoker! That was the sole thing I looked for in her profile. SO MANY girls list themselves as non smokers, and when you chat to them, they 'only' smoke an odd one. I'm sorry if it offends, but smoking to me is the most vile, disgusting thing a person can do. Smokers' sense of smell and taste are so dulled, they have no concept of how much it reeks to a non smoker. I'll have anything else, but I won't have a smoker!

I chatted to this lovely girl for a week, under a complete misapprehension. She really likes me, and she is going to be heartbroken when I reject her. But it's a complete deal breaker, and all the worse because she wasn't honest in her profile. I actually dated a girl once, who also said she was a non smoker, and in the middle of the date, took out a cigarette! How do you think that made me feel?

It happens over and over and over. I have encountered this in quite a good few girls. Girls look for honesty in a guy, but it should work both ways...

Nevyn

Maybe to them a 'smoker' is somone who smokes 10/20 a day and so they don't think of themsleves as being one.

If this is such a deal breaker for you then bring it up in converstaion sooner or but a strong statement on your profile about it.

cantdecide

I quit about 5 years ago. Not everyone is as anti-smoking as you are. A lot of people are very casual about it. If she will be heartbroken, then I'd tell her how put off you are and if If she's a casual smoker, she would probably forget about them for you. Be blunt if you feel strongly about it.

LegacyUser

The funny thing is, I have a statement in my profile that says I don't want a smoker! It's there in black and white!

The thing is, it's not just one or two instances. It's a regular thing. You will even find photos of non smoking girls with a cigarette plainly held in their hands! Smoking smells like smoking, whether it's one or twenty. I just wish they'd be honest, that's all...

COH

So you find out a few girls have the odd smoke... thats a deal breaker for you, so you say no thanks and move on. Thats fair enough. Whats the problem?

Its not like you're in a committed relationship with every internet girl you talk to. Personally I think that if someone has a couple of cigarettes a day, be it with coffee, or a drink, then big deal. Thats their choice, doesn't make them a different person.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

No offence but it's not exactly a big fat lie, is it? When someone asks, I say I am a non smoker, yet if I were out friday night I guarantee you that I would smoke one or two. That make me a smoker? The answer to that question is NO!!!

I could understand your concern if the said girl had "21 year old tall blonde blue eyed female" which turned out to be a 45 year old short burnette...

If she smokes let her know your situation and move one, not that big of a deal is it?

Tuesday_Girl

COH wrote: »

So you find out a few girls have the odd smoke... thats a deal breaker for you, so you say no thanks and move on. Thats fair enough. Whats the problem?

Its not like you're in a committed relationship with every internet girl you talk to. Personally I think that if someone has a couple of cigarettes a day, be it with coffee, or a drink, then big deal. Thats their choice, doesn't make them a different person.

I agree, many people are not honest in their profiles about all kinds of things (drinking, smoking, taking drugs, being married,etc.) so all you can do is ask as early as possible. In this you asked after a week and found out she is a smoker and that's a dealbreaker so you move on. I doubt hearts are going to be broken after a week of online chat. And for the future, maybe you need to word your aversion to smokers even more strongly in your profile.

Wibbs

I would say like the others be very clear and bring it up really early if it's such a deal breaker. It's a preference and that's cool. Be aware that if you are that specific you may reduce your chances, including with non smokers, unless they're equally vehemently against it.

I would also say maybe you need to unclench. You come across a bit wound tight. I wouldn't be too worried about the woman who you only know for a week being "heartbroken" when you "reject" her. A bit overly emotive there. I mean anyone who would be heartbroken after a week of keyboard action is likely a bit daft. Actually, no likely about it.

LegacyUser

Allie Creamy Perfumery wrote: »

No offence but it's not exactly a big fat lie, is it? When someone asks, I say I am a non smoker, yet if I were out friday night I guarantee you that I would smoke one or two. That make me a smoker? The answer to that question is NO!!!

If you smoke, you're a smoker. It's that simple, really. Ask any health insurance/life assurance company ...
Using words like 'casual' or 'social' is a way of trying to dress it up to be something else.

Non-smokers don't smoke. Ever.

Anyway, back to the OP. I'd agree with Wibbs, if you really hate smoking bring it up in conversation as early as possible. Could you do something to make it obvious in your profile?
And don't let anyone tell you you're uptight or militant. If you hate smoking, it IS a big deal.

AngryBadger

In fairness OP, you're kind of going off the handle about the smoking. If you're against it fair enough, that doesn't mean every woman you meet is under some obligation to tell you they smoke the odd cigarette, like to smoke at the weekend, or at all.

I'll grant you that the issue you have here is that you feel they're not being "honest" but it's naieve (and a little egocentric) to expect people to be that honest with you, and as was pointed out by another response, there's a world of difference in terms of "smoking" between someone who might smoke 2/3 after work, and someone who smokes 20/40 a day.

Nevyn

NONsmoker wrote: »

The funny thing is, I have a statement in my profile that says I don't want a smoker! It's there in black and white!

The thing is, it's not just one or two instances. It's a regular thing. You will even find photos of non smoking girls with a cigarette plainly held in their hands! Smoking smells like smoking, whether it's one or twenty. I just wish they'd be honest, that's all...

I just wish that rape/torture/childabuse would become a thing of the past...
We can't control what other people do we can only choose how we react and respond.

cantdecide

Unregistered wrote: »

If you smoke, you're a smoker. It's that simple, really..

If you drink regularly, are you an alcoholic, then?

You sound a little irrational about this IMO

Firetrap

Like the others, I suggest you ask about it when you first start messaging and stress that it's a deal-breaker. I've never done the online dating thing myself but I've heard that people can be economical with the truth. Perhaps these woman like you and hope that if they meet you, that you'll like them and discount the smoking bit. I assume that people who are overweight but fib on the sites, for example, hope that if they meet their date, that they'll overlook the weight issue.

As an aside, I understand how you feel about the smoking. It killed a close family member and the sight and smell of cigarettes repels me.

not yet

Thaedydal wrote: »

I just wish that rape/torture/childabuse would become a thing of the past...
We can't control what other people do we can only choose how we react and respond.

You need to seriously wake up...

And for the op, get real will ya, if this girl smokes that does not make her a social outcast.

LegacyUser

cantdecide wrote: »

If you drink regularly, are you an alcoholic, then?

You sound a little irrational about this IMO

No. You'd be a drinker.

Smoking and drinking are not the same thing, obviously.

I'm not irrational at all. Parents smoke, friends smoke.
They don't delude themselves into thinking they're not smokers when they, er, smoke.

It's not a big deal to lots of people if their other half smokes. However it is for the OP, and it is for me too. Smokers stink of smoke. That's not being irrational, it's fact.
I've been turned off guys in the past who smoke. Luckily my husband didn't when I met him.

This isn't a smoker V non-smoker issue. The OP is well within his rights to choose a non-smoking partner if he wants.

SpookyDoll

Why not get off the pc and get out in the real world where you can actually see and smell the people you are giving your "heart" to after a few online conversations?

It seems stupid to me that you are getting so emotionally invested in someone and placing all your hopes in something as abstract as an online interaction.

Stop hiding behind the PC, making pie in the sky "bonds" get out into the real world and it wont be an issue!

Wagon

Well, seeing as you're a big girl about it then I agree with Spooky Doll, walk out into the real world and smell people for yourself. You'd swear the poor girl was shooting up on heroin while sitting on a puppy's corpse.

wasper

NONsmoker wrote: »

I've just had my heart sunk again. Chatting to a lovely girl online. Met her on a dating site. Really like this girl, and she me. It's so hard to meet the right girl, and I only encounter a girl I might click with maybe once every few months.

So here we go again, lovely girl, chatter, chatter, what do you do, what are your interests, then she casually drops it into the conversation, she only smokes two or three cigarettes a night.

* clunk *

Her profile said she was a NON smoker! That was the sole thing I looked for in her profile. SO MANY girls list themselves as non smokers, and when you chat to them, they 'only' smoke an odd one. I'm sorry if it offends, but smoking to me is the most vile, disgusting thing a person can do. Smokers' sense of smell and taste are so dulled, they have no concept of how much it reeks to a non smoker. I'll have anything else, but I won't have a smoker!

I chatted to this lovely girl for a week, under a complete misapprehension. She really likes me, and she is going to be heartbroken when I reject her. But it's a complete deal breaker, and all the worse because she wasn't honest in her profile. I actually dated a girl once, who also said she was a non smoker, and in the middle of the date, took out a cigarette! How do you think that made me feel?

It happens over and over and over. I have encountered this in quite a good few girls. Girls look for honesty in a guy, but it should work both ways...

I haven't read what others have advised you here. But I think you live in cuckoo land. All you have done is talk to her on a dumb terminal. You haven't met her yet. But if I was her I wouldn't like to meet you. So she smokes 2-3 cigarettes. To her it might be considered a non smoker.
I smoked 45 cigs a day years ago, my future wife put up with it because she spotted other redeeming qualities in me. 23 years on I don't smoke & we are still together.

Zulu

Perhaps she'd give up the one or two to be with you?

One or two cigarettes? Sheesh, give us a break. I'm sure she doesn't like the smell of farts either, however she may put up with yours.

Relationships are about compromises.
One or two cigarettes for a person you click with seems to be an exceptionally small comprise to me.

...however I was never tortured with a cigarette, so perhaps I'm a little flippant?

AngryBadger

Zulu wrote: »

Perhaps she'd give up the one or two to be with you?

One or two cigarettes? Sheesh, give us a break. I'm sure she doesn't like the smell of farts either, however she may put up with yours.

Relationships are about compromises.
One or two cigarettes for a person you click with seems to be an exceptionally small comprise to me.

...however I was never tortured with a cigarette, so perhaps I'm a little flippant?

Ha! brilliant post! +1

LegacyUser

Ha, obviously the sensibilities of a few 'occasional' smokers offended here! Sorry guys, but if you smoke, you smoke, you need to grow up and be honest about it. Are you ashamed of admitting it? There are smokers' areas for you to skulk in. The rest of us like our fresh uncontaminated air, thanks...

the_syco

Unregistered wrote: »

Smoking and drinking are not the same thing, obviously.

Not really, actually. If you wanted a non-drinker, and whilst having a coffee in a restaurant, they get an alcoholic beverage, you woudn't be happy.

=-=

The reason I think she won't be too heart broken is that she'll see that communication ain't your thing. Most people will say "I don't like smokers", and who knows, she may go off them for you. I've read about people giving up a 20-a-day habit, as the other half asked.

Where as you just dump them, and walk away. Question: if there is any other strange habits that you don't like about them, will you walk?

Finally, if you do find someone with your attitude, you may get the other end of the stick when she finds out... ooooo... that you sing?

MagicMarker

NONsmoker wrote: »

I've just had my heart sunk again. Chatting to a lovely girl online. Met her on a dating site. Really like this girl, and she me. It's so hard to meet the right girl, and I only encounter a girl I might click with maybe once every few months.

So here we go again, lovely girl, chatter, chatter, what do you do, what are your interests, then she casually drops it into the conversation, she only smokes two or three cigarettes a night.

* clunk *

Her profile said she was a NON smoker! That was the sole thing I looked for in her profile. SO MANY girls list themselves as non smokers, and when you chat to them, they 'only' smoke an odd one. I'm sorry if it offends, but smoking to me is the most vile, disgusting thing a person can do. Smokers' sense of smell and taste are so dulled, they have no concept of how much it reeks to a non smoker. I'll have anything else, but I won't have a smoker!

I chatted to this lovely girl for a week, under a complete misapprehension. She really likes me, and she is going to be heartbroken when I reject her. But it's a complete deal breaker, and all the worse because she wasn't honest in her profile. I actually dated a girl once, who also said she was a non smoker, and in the middle of the date, took out a cigarette! How do you think that made me feel?

It happens over and over and over. I have encountered this in quite a good few girls. Girls look for honesty in a guy, but it should work both ways...

a.........a....... WEEK?

Dude, you have much bigger issues than this tbh. Especially seeing as you think she'll be ''heartbroken when you reject her'', after... wait for it............ a week. That's right, seven days.

No offense, but you come across like a man who would not allow 'his woman' out of the house without his permission, or start a fight on a man who dare look in her general direction.

The best advice i can give you, is to ''chill'. It might never happen!

Cpaw

NONsmoker wrote: »

smoking to me is the most vile, disgusting thing a person can do. Smokers' sense of smell and taste are so dulled, they have no concept of how much it reeks to a non smoker. I'll have anything else, but I won't have a smoker!

To be honest, I think your opinion on smoking is too 'extreme' to say the least. My girlfriend is a smoker and I couldn't give a hoot, plus smoking is awful for me as I have a chronic lung condition, but I just ask her not to smoke in my company.

You are going to have to accept that everybody has their faults/habits,that we cannot change, because if you continue with your 'extreme' approach then you will just be left on the shelf. Is that what you want?

Lillyella

I'm with the OP on this one. Either your a smoker or not. If you smoke one a month - then your a smoker.

And I feel just as strongly as he does about it. It is absolutely disgusting. Revolting in fact. I could never become close to one.

However, OP, as much as it disgusts you, don't rule out meeting this girl because of it. It could be a missed opportunity which you will always regret if you don't do it. And if there is great chemistry then she may decide to give it up altogether.

Captain Ginger

God forbid someone you may one day love finds a single flaw with you and leaves you.

The key word here is compromise, without it you shouldn't even think of dating.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

No offense, but you come across like a man who would not allow 'his woman' out of the house without his permission, or start a fight on a man who dare look in her general direction.

You read all that in my post? You assume a lot. I hope you aren't a criminal profiler, or we'd all be in jail. I used one word, 'heartbroken,' which on reflection, was maybe a bit strong. The point I was making was that after a week of chatting and getting on really well, and arranging dates, the dealbreaker was dropped. She was expecting, and looking forward to, a date. So was I. No she wasn't 'heartbroken,' a milder shade of disappointment would have been more correct, since we are all so pedantic about proper use of words here.

Please explain to me how that makes me a 'man who would not allow his woman out of the house without his permission?' That to me sounds like getting a cheap dig in at someone whose opinion offends you, rather than a contribution of any value. Like a couple of earlier 'contributors...'

I don't like smoking. If a girl wants to smell like an ashtray, that's her business, but I won't be getting involved. I like my fresh air!

Jimmy Bottlehead

Lillyella wrote: »

I'm with the OP on this one. Either your a smoker or not. If you smoke one a month - then your a smoker.

And I feel just as strongly as he does about it. It is absolutely disgusting. Revolting in fact. I could never become close to one.

However, OP, as much as it disgusts you, don't rule out meeting this girl because of it. It could be a missed opportunity which you will always regret if you don't do it. And if there is great chemistry then she may decide to give it up altogether.

+1

If you smoke at all, you're a smoker? Like it or not, thats a fact. And chances are, the ones denying that in this thread are from the 'shameful' side of the smoking camp, thinking they are above smoker status.

I despise them - I simply couldn't be with someone who does. Its revolting, and I'm within my rights to request any potential other halves don't smoke.

However OP, no way will this girl be heartbroken... and if she is, she's worth avoiding anyways!

My OH smoked 2-3 a day, but when we started talking I mentioned I hated them and she dropped to 1 a day, and never around me. She then gave them up, and said I was the incentive she needed to do it as she hated the habit but couldn't find a reason to kick it before that. This girl might be the same. Ask her would she consider it if she really liked a guy.

LightningBolt

Lillyella wrote: »

I'm with the OP on this one. Either your a smoker or not. If you smoke one a month - then your a smoker.

And I feel just as strongly as he does about it. It is absolutely disgusting. Revolting in fact. I could never become close to one.

However, OP, as much as it disgusts you, don't rule out meeting this girl because of it. It could be a missed opportunity which you will always regret if you don't do it. And if there is great chemistry then she may decide to give it up altogether.

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

+1

If you smoke at all, you're a smoker? Like it or not, thats a fact. And chances are, the ones denying that in this thread are from the 'shameful' side of the smoking camp, thinking they are above smoker status.

I despise them - I simply couldn't be with someone who does. Its revolting, and I'm within my rights to request any potential other halves don't smoke.

However OP, no way will this girl be heartbroken... and if she is, she's worth avoiding anyways!

My OH smoked 2-3 a day, but when we started talking I mentioned I hated them and she dropped to 1 a day, and never around me. She then gave them up, and said I was the incentive she needed to do it as she hated the habit but couldn't find a reason to kick it before that. This girl might be the same. Ask her would she consider it if she really liked a guy.

+1

OP, if you can't work your way around it just move on. No big deal really.

Victor

OK, take it easy.

davyjose

Unregistered wrote: »

Smokers stink of smoke.

No, people who smoke LOTS stink of smoke. If you are going to be so specific about the definition of the word "smoker", then get it right. Otherwise it just sounds like your on your high horse.

davyjose

NONsmoker wrote: »

Ha, obviously the sensibilities of a few 'occasional' smokers offended here! Sorry guys, but if you smoke, you smoke, you need to grow up and be honest about it. Are you ashamed of admitting it? There are smokers' areas for you to skulk in. The rest of us like our fresh uncontaminated air, thanks...

I guess we'll all have to make do with our happy relationships so..... :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Seems to be a lot of people who don't want to be catergorised as smokers.
I don't understand how it's so hard for people to understand the definition of a smoker - someone who smokes. Denial, my friends, denial. I know all about it, been there!

My friend is online on a few dating sites. She's down as a non-smoker. She smokes up to 10 a day.
She gave up the cigs and stayed off them for years, now she's back on them she's too embarrassed to put herself in the smoker category. So she's in denial that she is actually a smoker now.

Here's the facts, if you smoke at all you're a smoker. If you never smoke, you're a non-smoker.
Deluding yourself that 'one or two a week' makes you a non-smoker is a waste of time.
Any 'social' smoker I know lies about how many they smoke. Some tell me they only smoke a couple a week.... as they light up their sixth of the night.

dudara

I feel that the OP is getting a lot of stick here. I actually agree with him. I wouldn't go out with a smoker either. Like the OP, I don't like the smell, even of one or two. I don't know why I'm so adverse to it, but I am.

However, if I did meet someone who seemed great but smoked, I would tell them that the smoking was a dealbreaker for me. I would give them a chance to quit. I wouldn't just walk away without at least talking about it.

Wagon

NONsmoker wrote: »

Ha, obviously the sensibilities of a few 'occasional' smokers offended here! Sorry guys, but if you smoke, you smoke, you need to grow up and be honest about it. Are you ashamed of admitting it? There are smokers' areas for you to skulk in. The rest of us like our fresh uncontaminated air, thanks...

I can see your point actually. People seem to think that being a non smoker is never smoking and smoking 20 a day is a smoker. Then if it's in the middle, say 10, you're neither. Doesn't make sense.

NONsmoker wrote: »

You read all that in my post? You assume a lot. I hope you aren't a criminal profiler, or we'd all be in jail. I used one word, 'heartbroken,' which on reflection, was maybe a bit strong. The point I was making was that after a week of chatting and getting on really well, and arranging dates, the dealbreaker was dropped. She was expecting, and looking forward to, a date. So was I. No she wasn't 'heartbroken,' a milder shade of disappointment would have been more correct, since we are all so pedantic about proper use of words here.

Please explain to me how that makes me a 'man who would not allow his woman out of the house without his permission?' That to me sounds like getting a cheap dig in at someone whose opinion offends you, rather than a contribution of any value. Like a couple of earlier 'contributors...'

In the interest of being honest, you did come across as pretty anal in your posts.

I don't like smoking. If a girl wants to smell like an ashtray, that's her business, but I won't be getting involved. I like my fresh air!

Don't want to sound like a prick here, but you seem to think it's as bad as murder (it comes across like that:P) If you really hate smoking to this extent you have to really specify it. On your profile say "I can't stand any smokers/cigarettes, ever" or something that implies that. It's not being bad if it's that much of a problem to you, it's just more honest.

LegacyUser

<<I used one word, 'heartbroken,' which on reflection, was maybe a bit strong. The point I was making was that after a week of chatting and getting on really well, and arranging dates, the dealbreaker was dropped. She was expecting, and looking forward to, a date. So was I. No she wasn't 'heartbroken,' a milder shade of disappointment would have been more correct, since we are all so pedantic about proper use of words here.>>


Oooh! Hypocrite much?

So when you "use the wrong words" (heatbroken) you are not "dishonest" but others are "pedantic"

(attack being the best form of defence)

But when someone else "uses the wrong words" (non smoker) they are "dishonest" and you I suppose would deny being pedantic....

Sigh, OP .....really come on, double standards.

Zulu

Lillyella wrote: »

I'm with the OP on this one. Either your a smoker or not. If you smoke one a month - then your a smoker.

And I feel just as strongly as he does about it. It is absolutely disgusting. Revolting in fact. I could never become close to one.

Interesting! So you just wouldn't even entertain a conversation with someone who smokes one a month?

I'm not having a go here - it's your life to do what you want with - however I feel you could be letting yourself down; you are missing out on some very interesting, genuine, honest, good people.

I'm very grateful for the close friends I have; people I can trust, and accept me for who I am - mistakes and all.

To be honest, I couldn't care how they smelled. They make me who I am, and I'm bloody grateful for them.

bp1989

the_syco wrote: »

Finally, if you do find someone with your attitude, you may get the other end of the stick when she finds out... ooooo... that you sing?

Yes, but the thing is, he didn't specify in his profile that he didn't sing, did he? I see where he's coming from. If you say something in your profile, it should only be the truth and nothing else. Otherwise you're just wasting people's time.

Wibbs

Wagon wrote: »

I can see your point actually. People seem to think that being a non smoker is never smoking and smoking 20 a day is a smoker. Then if it's in the middle, say 10, you're neither. Doesn't make sense.

True. Smoking is an unusual case in the public mind though. No one would ever accuse someone of having one vodka tonic a month as being a "drinker", yet apparently one fag a week, a month or for real loopers even a year and you're a "smoker". Even the medical profession falls afoul of that. One a day types are thrown into the stats with 60 a dayers. Any other drug/carcinogen/contaminant and dosage and exposure are highly important factors. Tobacco has been sidelined there. To almost an hysterical degree. I think it's down to the advertised stigma/warnings and the fact that many people are quite suggestible in the face of that. In this case it serves the common good which is to reduce or eliminate exposure to a known addictive drug and carcinogen. I note this mainly to highlight the various different attitudes to this particular habit/addiction. If someone accused another of being an alco on the strength of a pint or two a week, it would be leapt on. Perspective is always a good thing.

That said I do know people who would not be with someone who drank. At all. Rare yes, but not unknown. So as people differ, there it is. But because such a marked preference is required the OP must be very clear from the start as wagon suggests.

In the interest of being honest, you did come across as pretty anal in your posts.

I have to agree. Forgetting criminal profiling or reading your tea leaves:) I would say that the impression I get is of a relatively sheltered, somewhat isolated person. I don't mean lonely, I mean it more in the sense of not much social outlet beyond work. The pub/club scene leaves you cold or you had a bad experience before. One big relationship in your past I would say. You would not have been one of the men going from one woman to the next etc. Which is all cool. Not uncommon at all. Hence internet dating is a better bet for you.

I would have said someone quite young off the bat, but I'm thinking in light of your almost strict(in this case anyway) responses, more like someone in their mid 30's. Quite set in his ways. Less flexible. Flexibility is more to be found in youth in general as youth is still finding it's feet. If flexibility is not learned to some degree it becomes more entrenched and self justified in my humble as people move through life. Especially in men. As a 40 year old I've seen it happen with some of my friends. Hey I could be well off here and you're a 19 year old hedonist who parties in Ibiza.:)

I say all that just to maybe help you find what you're looking for. As you noticed from the response here, yes you did get support, but the general feeling was of "ah c'mon, a tad over the top, ease up there Ted" etc. I would just be concerned that by not reflecting better who you are and what you have to offer you may alienate the very nice non smoking women you're looking to meet and maybe start something with.

IMHO women have very good weirdo detectors. Well very sensitive ones anyway. they are often woefully inaccurate though, as many women will attest. That detector may twitch too much if you give off the same vibe online as you did here. I dont mean when someone agrees with you. I mean when someone doesn't I would judge a person's emotional intelligence and maturity far more on their response to disagreement. Most do.

Don't want to sound like a prick here, but you seem to think it's as bad as murder (it comes across like that:P) If you really hate smoking to this extent you have to really specify it. On your profile say "I can't stand any smokers/cigarettes, ever" or something that implies that. It's not being bad if it's that much of a problem to you, it's just more honest.

I agree. Be careful with the wording though. In wanting to get your very valid point across you may come over as too particular or inflexible. That will reduce your target group quite a bit, even complete non smokers may be put off. The very women you would like to meet. Good luck with it anyway.

Wibbs

bp1989 wrote: »

Yes, but the thing is, he didn't specify in his profile that he didn't sing, did he? I see where he's coming from. If you say something in your profile, it should only be the truth and nothing else. Otherwise you're just wasting people's time.

I do agree with this and I do see the OP's point. I just worry in getting his point across he may put some good non smoking women off.

shellyboo

Wibbs wrote: »

No one would ever accuse someone of having one vodka tonic a month as being a "drinker", yet apparently one fag a week, a month or for real loopers even a year and you're a "smoker".

It's not an accusation to call someone a smoker or a drinker, it's a description.

You're either a smoker (ie, you smoke cigarettes, regardless of quantity or frequency) or a non-smoker (ie, you don't ever smoke cigarettes). You're either tee-total (you don't drink alcohol ever) or you're a drinker (you drink alcohol).

I'm amazed that some people seem to think there's room for interpretation in the term 'non-smoker'. It means you do not smoke. Ever.

Beyond finding it unsavoury, it kind of makes me question a person's personality as well. I can honestly say I tend to think less of people who persist in indulging a disgusting, harmful, cancer-causing habit. I've known people (and met people online) and after finding out that they smoke, I often feel disappointed. In a prospective partner, I fancy them less. Of course, it's anyone's right to smoke if they wish - but it's certainly within mine and the OP's right to dislike it.

Aside from that, in an online dating context, OP, you have to take EVERYTHING with a pinch of salt. If I meet another "5'8" guy who's in fact smaller than me, I'll cry. As other posters have suggested, it's worth mentioning in your profile that smoking is a deal-breaker for you - in fact, it might strike a chord with women who are of the same opinion!

Zulu

shellyboo wrote: »

It's not an accusation to call someone a smoker or a drinker, it's a description.

You're either a smoker (ie, you smoke cigarettes, regardless of quantity or frequency) or a non-smoker (ie, you don't ever smoke cigarettes). You're either tee-total (you don't drink alcohol ever) or you're a drinker (you drink alcohol).

I'm amazed that some people seem to think there's room for interpretation in the term 'non-smoker'. It means you do not smoke. Ever.

People see room for interpretation, because it exists.
I gamble. However, to be classes a "gambler" implies I gamble heavily. Most people do the lotto, and in order to distinguish most people from the hardcore few who visit the bookies every day, we don't describe most people as gamblers.
Like wise with smoking. I used to smoke. I used to smoke over 30 a day. However I no longer smoke... ...except on occasion when locked I've been known to join a friend for a smoke. I'd say I probably smoke 5 cigarettes/cigars a month on average. I wouldn't classify myself as a smoker, because to classify myself as a smoker, would be a misrepresentation to most people; someone would expect me to have a daily habit.
And interestingly, when asked by doctors, they've categorised me as a non-smoker.

Most people, in the daily use of the language, don't hold it rigorously to it's meaning. Clearly, however, you and the OP do in this instance.

Malari

shellyboo wrote: »

It's not an accusation to call someone a smoker or a drinker, it's a description.

You're either a smoker (ie, you smoke cigarettes, regardless of quantity or frequency) or a non-smoker (ie, you don't ever smoke cigarettes). You're either tee-total (you don't drink alcohol ever) or you're a drinker (you drink alcohol).

I'm amazed that some people seem to think there's room for interpretation in the term 'non-smoker'. It means you do not smoke. Ever.

Beyond finding it unsavoury, it kind of makes me question a person's personality as well. I can honestly say I tend to think less of people who persist in indulging a disgusting, harmful, cancer-causing habit. I've known people (and met people online) and after finding out that they smoke, I often feel disappointed. In a prospective partner, I fancy them less. Of course, it's anyone's right to smoke if they wish - but it's certainly within mine and the OP's right to dislike it.

Aside from that, in an online dating context, OP, you have to take EVERYTHING with a pinch of salt. If I meet another "5'8" guy who's in fact smaller than me, I'll cry. As other posters have suggested, it's worth mentioning in your profile that smoking is a deal-breaker for you - in fact, it might strike a chord with women who are of the same opinion!

Yeah, maybe it's because I am a non-smoker that I kind of feel for the OP, but calling yourself a smoker does seem to have a stigma attached to it for a lot of people.

I drink, but I would hesitate to call myself a "drinker" - although I have no problem admitting it. It seems a sort of negative tag. I don't know why.

I have a friend who used to smoke and always says, if asked, "I'm not smoking now" because every so often she does have a cigarette - like 3 times a year. Calling yourself a non-smoker to me is akin to calling yourself a non-drinker. It means never.

shellyboo

Zulu wrote: »

I gamble. However, to be classes a "gambler" implies I gamble heavily. Most people do the lotto, and in order to distinguish most people from the hardcore few who visit the bookies every day, we don't describe most people as gamblers.


Most people, in the daily use of the language, don't hold it rigorously to it's meaning. Clearly, however, you and the OP do in this instance.

Alright, ok, point ceded. However, I think it's grossly misleading (verging on blatant lying)for someone to call themselves a non-smoker, even if they only smoke socially. The medical definition for me makes no difference - I really don't care what damage it's doing to someone's internal organs, what affects me is the smell and the social consequences of it.

But I guess that's because I hate it so intensely that any degree of it is unacceptable for me. I would have a fling with a smoker, I'd be friends with a smoker, but I would never, ever, be in a relationship with one. Even one who only smoked one a week.

peekyboo

NONsmoker wrote: »

I've just had my heart sunk again. Chatting to a lovely girl online. Met her on a dating site. Really like this girl, and she me. It's so hard to meet the right girl, and I only encounter a girl I might click with maybe once every few months.

So here we go again, lovely girl, chatter, chatter, what do you do, what are your interests, then she casually drops it into the conversation, she only smokes two or three cigarettes a night.

* clunk *

Her profile said she was a NON smoker! That was the sole thing I looked for in her profile. SO MANY girls list themselves as non smokers, and when you chat to them, they 'only' smoke an odd one. I'm sorry if it offends, but smoking to me is the most vile, disgusting thing a person can do. Smokers' sense of smell and taste are so dulled, they have no concept of how much it reeks to a non smoker. I'll have anything else, but I won't have a smoker!

I chatted to this lovely girl for a week, under a complete misapprehension. She really likes me, and she is going to be heartbroken when I reject her. But it's a complete deal breaker, and all the worse because she wasn't honest in her profile. I actually dated a girl once, who also said she was a non smoker, and in the middle of the date, took out a cigarette! How do you think that made me feel?

It happens over and over and over. I have encountered this in quite a good few girls. Girls look for honesty in a guy, but it should work both ways...

Hey OP, gotta say, you talk about having your heart broken and then you completely disregard someone because she smokes even though she came across as a really nice person??

My boyfriend, who I live with, is a smoker and I hate them too but he is a wonderful, amazing man and to think I might have given that great relationship up because of the cigs is crazy. I really think you are overreacting just a tad. We are only talking about cigarettes here and not paedophilia

Seriously, just relax the standards a bit or your search for the 'perfect' woman will be a very looooong one.

Wibbs

IHMO the smoking is mostly a side event. It's divisive, polarising(as we see) and distracting to the issue in many ways. We've tangentally drifted into what constitutes smoker/non smoker. That was my point about this particular topic sometimes straying into almost hysterical areas. On both sides. Most tend to the middle path which is the healthiest. Emotionally at least.

The OP's question could be applied to any highly particular requirement. The answer that he's actually looking for is how to put this across to perspective mates, without polarising and alienating non smoking women.

metaoblivia

I'm taking the OP's side here. I'm a nonsmoker as well and would never date a smoker. I'm a classical vocalist and sing with two choirs, one professionally, and just a little bit of smoke irritates my vocal chords. So, if someone were to describe themselves as a nonsmoker, I would take it to mean that they don't smoke at all. I can see where the stigma attached to smoking would put some people off from admitting that they do it, but if you smoke, you're a smoker. I only drink rarely, but I stopped calling myself a non drinker when I went from never drinking to rarely drinking.

A.Partridge

NONsmoker wrote: »

Chatting to a lovely girl online. Met her on a dating site. Really like this girl, and she me. It's so hard to meet the right girl, and I only encounter a girl I might click with maybe once every few months.
....
I chatted to this lovely girl for a week, under a complete misapprehension. She really likes me, and she is going to be heartbroken when I reject her.

Seriously OP, have a good think about what you are about to do. Like you say above, it's hard to meet the right girl so why would you chuck away a chance of a wonderful perhaps life-long relationship over this?

Is it because you fear the damage to your health that her smoking (albeit very little) would cause?

What about the damage that you are about to inflict on her emotional health when you blindly follow through on your 'all smokers are bad' mantra and tell her that though she is a wonderful girl, it's just not gonna work because you're a smoker blah blah ...?

I'm not a smoker and I don't profess to love the habit either...but I wouldn't let this stand between me and the person I truly love in all other respects.

Look, please don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

LegacyUser

NONsmoker wrote: »

She really likes me, and she is going to be heartbroken when I reject her.

I predict that this awful dirty nasty SMOKER !!!!!!!!!! will be falling to pieces and the prospect of losing such a well balanced individual as the OP.

Seriously OP you should reflect on your attitude otherwise you'll be looking on the dating sites for a long long long time

everyone has their flaws (be it an occassional smoke) if thats this only girls flaw then she is a real catch

Wagon

shellyboo wrote: »

Beyond finding it unsavoury, it kind of makes me question a person's personality as well.

Would you think this of your friends who smoke?

metaoblivia wrote: »

I'm taking the OP's side here. I'm a nonsmoker as well and would never date a smoker. I'm a classical vocalist and sing with two choirs, one professionally, and just a little bit of smoke irritates my vocal chords.

Alright grand. If your other half was a smoker, his habit is hardly going to affect your voice if he steps outside and doesn't let smoke get in your house or round you. I live in a gaff with non smokers so i step outside for one. Just because someone enjoys the few cigs doesn't mean they can't be polite.

Zulu

shellyboo wrote: »

I would have a fling with a smoker, I'd be friends with a smoker, but I would never, ever, be in a relationship with one. Even one who only smoked one a week.

Ah now... I don't believe that for a min!
To have a fling, to be friends, is to give someone a chance to get into your heart, and once in there, can we really control how we feel?