Dishonesty, or just attitude?

LegacyUser

I've just had my heart sunk again. Chatting to a lovely girl online. Met her on a dating site. Really like this girl, and she me. It's so hard to meet the right girl, and I only encounter a girl I might click with maybe once every few months.

So here we go again, lovely girl, chatter, chatter, what do you do, what are your interests, then she casually drops it into the conversation, she only smokes two or three cigarettes a night.

* clunk *

Her profile said she was a NON smoker! That was the sole thing I looked for in her profile. SO MANY girls list themselves as non smokers, and when you chat to them, they 'only' smoke an odd one. I'm sorry if it offends, but smoking to me is the most vile, disgusting thing a person can do. Smokers' sense of smell and taste are so dulled, they have no concept of how much it reeks to a non smoker. I'll have anything else, but I won't have a smoker!

I chatted to this lovely girl for a week, under a complete misapprehension. She really likes me, and she is going to be heartbroken when I reject her. But it's a complete deal breaker, and all the worse because she wasn't honest in her profile. I actually dated a girl once, who also said she was a non smoker, and in the middle of the date, took out a cigarette! How do you think that made me feel?

It happens over and over and over. I have encountered this in quite a good few girls. Girls look for honesty in a guy, but it should work both ways...

Nevyn

Maybe to them a 'smoker' is somone who smokes 10/20 a day and so they don't think of themsleves as being one.

If this is such a deal breaker for you then bring it up in converstaion sooner or but a strong statement on your profile about it.

cantdecide

I quit about 5 years ago. Not everyone is as anti-smoking as you are. A lot of people are very casual about it. If she will be heartbroken, then I'd tell her how put off you are and if If she's a casual smoker, she would probably forget about them for you. Be blunt if you feel strongly about it.

LegacyUser

The funny thing is, I have a statement in my profile that says I don't want a smoker! It's there in black and white!

The thing is, it's not just one or two instances. It's a regular thing. You will even find photos of non smoking girls with a cigarette plainly held in their hands! Smoking smells like smoking, whether it's one or twenty. I just wish they'd be honest, that's all...

COH

So you find out a few girls have the odd smoke... thats a deal breaker for you, so you say no thanks and move on. Thats fair enough. Whats the problem?

Its not like you're in a committed relationship with every internet girl you talk to. Personally I think that if someone has a couple of cigarettes a day, be it with coffee, or a drink, then big deal. Thats their choice, doesn't make them a different person.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

No offence but it's not exactly a big fat lie, is it? When someone asks, I say I am a non smoker, yet if I were out friday night I guarantee you that I would smoke one or two. That make me a smoker? The answer to that question is NO!!!

I could understand your concern if the said girl had "21 year old tall blonde blue eyed female" which turned out to be a 45 year old short burnette...

If she smokes let her know your situation and move one, not that big of a deal is it?

Tuesday_Girl

COH wrote: »

So you find out a few girls have the odd smoke... thats a deal breaker for you, so you say no thanks and move on. Thats fair enough. Whats the problem?

Its not like you're in a committed relationship with every internet girl you talk to. Personally I think that if someone has a couple of cigarettes a day, be it with coffee, or a drink, then big deal. Thats their choice, doesn't make them a different person.

I agree, many people are not honest in their profiles about all kinds of things (drinking, smoking, taking drugs, being married,etc.) so all you can do is ask as early as possible. In this you asked after a week and found out she is a smoker and that's a dealbreaker so you move on. I doubt hearts are going to be broken after a week of online chat. And for the future, maybe you need to word your aversion to smokers even more strongly in your profile.

Wibbs

I would say like the others be very clear and bring it up really early if it's such a deal breaker. It's a preference and that's cool. Be aware that if you are that specific you may reduce your chances, including with non smokers, unless they're equally vehemently against it.

I would also say maybe you need to unclench. You come across a bit wound tight. I wouldn't be too worried about the woman who you only know for a week being "heartbroken" when you "reject" her. A bit overly emotive there. I mean anyone who would be heartbroken after a week of keyboard action is likely a bit daft. Actually, no likely about it.

LegacyUser

Allie Creamy Perfumery wrote: »

No offence but it's not exactly a big fat lie, is it? When someone asks, I say I am a non smoker, yet if I were out friday night I guarantee you that I would smoke one or two. That make me a smoker? The answer to that question is NO!!!

If you smoke, you're a smoker. It's that simple, really. Ask any health insurance/life assurance company ...
Using words like 'casual' or 'social' is a way of trying to dress it up to be something else.

Non-smokers don't smoke. Ever.

Anyway, back to the OP. I'd agree with Wibbs, if you really hate smoking bring it up in conversation as early as possible. Could you do something to make it obvious in your profile?
And don't let anyone tell you you're uptight or militant. If you hate smoking, it IS a big deal.

AngryBadger

In fairness OP, you're kind of going off the handle about the smoking. If you're against it fair enough, that doesn't mean every woman you meet is under some obligation to tell you they smoke the odd cigarette, like to smoke at the weekend, or at all.

I'll grant you that the issue you have here is that you feel they're not being "honest" but it's naieve (and a little egocentric) to expect people to be that honest with you, and as was pointed out by another response, there's a world of difference in terms of "smoking" between someone who might smoke 2/3 after work, and someone who smokes 20/40 a day.

Nevyn

NONsmoker wrote: »

The funny thing is, I have a statement in my profile that says I don't want a smoker! It's there in black and white!

The thing is, it's not just one or two instances. It's a regular thing. You will even find photos of non smoking girls with a cigarette plainly held in their hands! Smoking smells like smoking, whether it's one or twenty. I just wish they'd be honest, that's all...

I just wish that rape/torture/childabuse would become a thing of the past...
We can't control what other people do we can only choose how we react and respond.

cantdecide

Unregistered wrote: »

If you smoke, you're a smoker. It's that simple, really..

If you drink regularly, are you an alcoholic, then?

You sound a little irrational about this IMO

Firetrap

Like the others, I suggest you ask about it when you first start messaging and stress that it's a deal-breaker. I've never done the online dating thing myself but I've heard that people can be economical with the truth. Perhaps these woman like you and hope that if they meet you, that you'll like them and discount the smoking bit. I assume that people who are overweight but fib on the sites, for example, hope that if they meet their date, that they'll overlook the weight issue.

As an aside, I understand how you feel about the smoking. It killed a close family member and the sight and smell of cigarettes repels me.

not yet

Thaedydal wrote: »

I just wish that rape/torture/childabuse would become a thing of the past...
We can't control what other people do we can only choose how we react and respond.

You need to seriously wake up...

And for the op, get real will ya, if this girl smokes that does not make her a social outcast.

LegacyUser

cantdecide wrote: »

If you drink regularly, are you an alcoholic, then?

You sound a little irrational about this IMO

No. You'd be a drinker.

Smoking and drinking are not the same thing, obviously.

I'm not irrational at all. Parents smoke, friends smoke.
They don't delude themselves into thinking they're not smokers when they, er, smoke.

It's not a big deal to lots of people if their other half smokes. However it is for the OP, and it is for me too. Smokers stink of smoke. That's not being irrational, it's fact.
I've been turned off guys in the past who smoke. Luckily my husband didn't when I met him.

This isn't a smoker V non-smoker issue. The OP is well within his rights to choose a non-smoking partner if he wants.

SpookyDoll

Why not get off the pc and get out in the real world where you can actually see and smell the people you are giving your "heart" to after a few online conversations?

It seems stupid to me that you are getting so emotionally invested in someone and placing all your hopes in something as abstract as an online interaction.

Stop hiding behind the PC, making pie in the sky "bonds" get out into the real world and it wont be an issue!

Wagon

Well, seeing as you're a big girl about it then I agree with Spooky Doll, walk out into the real world and smell people for yourself. You'd swear the poor girl was shooting up on heroin while sitting on a puppy's corpse.

wasper

NONsmoker wrote: »

I've just had my heart sunk again. Chatting to a lovely girl online. Met her on a dating site. Really like this girl, and she me. It's so hard to meet the right girl, and I only encounter a girl I might click with maybe once every few months.

So here we go again, lovely girl, chatter, chatter, what do you do, what are your interests, then she casually drops it into the conversation, she only smokes two or three cigarettes a night.

* clunk *

Her profile said she was a NON smoker! That was the sole thing I looked for in her profile. SO MANY girls list themselves as non smokers, and when you chat to them, they 'only' smoke an odd one. I'm sorry if it offends, but smoking to me is the most vile, disgusting thing a person can do. Smokers' sense of smell and taste are so dulled, they have no concept of how much it reeks to a non smoker. I'll have anything else, but I won't have a smoker!

I chatted to this lovely girl for a week, under a complete misapprehension. She really likes me, and she is going to be heartbroken when I reject her. But it's a complete deal breaker, and all the worse because she wasn't honest in her profile. I actually dated a girl once, who also said she was a non smoker, and in the middle of the date, took out a cigarette! How do you think that made me feel?

It happens over and over and over. I have encountered this in quite a good few girls. Girls look for honesty in a guy, but it should work both ways...

I haven't read what others have advised you here. But I think you live in cuckoo land. All you have done is talk to her on a dumb terminal. You haven't met her yet. But if I was her I wouldn't like to meet you. So she smokes 2-3 cigarettes. To her it might be considered a non smoker.
I smoked 45 cigs a day years ago, my future wife put up with it because she spotted other redeeming qualities in me. 23 years on I don't smoke & we are still together.

Zulu

Perhaps she'd give up the one or two to be with you?

One or two cigarettes? Sheesh, give us a break. I'm sure she doesn't like the smell of farts either, however she may put up with yours.

Relationships are about compromises.
One or two cigarettes for a person you click with seems to be an exceptionally small comprise to me.

...however I was never tortured with a cigarette, so perhaps I'm a little flippant?

AngryBadger

Zulu wrote: »

Perhaps she'd give up the one or two to be with you?

One or two cigarettes? Sheesh, give us a break. I'm sure she doesn't like the smell of farts either, however she may put up with yours.

Relationships are about compromises.
One or two cigarettes for a person you click with seems to be an exceptionally small comprise to me.

...however I was never tortured with a cigarette, so perhaps I'm a little flippant?

Ha! brilliant post! +1

LegacyUser

Ha, obviously the sensibilities of a few 'occasional' smokers offended here! Sorry guys, but if you smoke, you smoke, you need to grow up and be honest about it. Are you ashamed of admitting it? There are smokers' areas for you to skulk in. The rest of us like our fresh uncontaminated air, thanks...

the_syco

Unregistered wrote: »

Smoking and drinking are not the same thing, obviously.

Not really, actually. If you wanted a non-drinker, and whilst having a coffee in a restaurant, they get an alcoholic beverage, you woudn't be happy.

=-=

The reason I think she won't be too heart broken is that she'll see that communication ain't your thing. Most people will say "I don't like smokers", and who knows, she may go off them for you. I've read about people giving up a 20-a-day habit, as the other half asked.

Where as you just dump them, and walk away. Question: if there is any other strange habits that you don't like about them, will you walk?

Finally, if you do find someone with your attitude, you may get the other end of the stick when she finds out... ooooo... that you sing?

MagicMarker

NONsmoker wrote: »

I've just had my heart sunk again. Chatting to a lovely girl online. Met her on a dating site. Really like this girl, and she me. It's so hard to meet the right girl, and I only encounter a girl I might click with maybe once every few months.

So here we go again, lovely girl, chatter, chatter, what do you do, what are your interests, then she casually drops it into the conversation, she only smokes two or three cigarettes a night.

* clunk *

Her profile said she was a NON smoker! That was the sole thing I looked for in her profile. SO MANY girls list themselves as non smokers, and when you chat to them, they 'only' smoke an odd one. I'm sorry if it offends, but smoking to me is the most vile, disgusting thing a person can do. Smokers' sense of smell and taste are so dulled, they have no concept of how much it reeks to a non smoker. I'll have anything else, but I won't have a smoker!

I chatted to this lovely girl for a week, under a complete misapprehension. She really likes me, and she is going to be heartbroken when I reject her. But it's a complete deal breaker, and all the worse because she wasn't honest in her profile. I actually dated a girl once, who also said she was a non smoker, and in the middle of the date, took out a cigarette! How do you think that made me feel?

It happens over and over and over. I have encountered this in quite a good few girls. Girls look for honesty in a guy, but it should work both ways...

a.........a....... WEEK?

Dude, you have much bigger issues than this tbh. Especially seeing as you think she'll be ''heartbroken when you reject her'', after... wait for it............ a week. That's right, seven days.

No offense, but you come across like a man who would not allow 'his woman' out of the house without his permission, or start a fight on a man who dare look in her general direction.

The best advice i can give you, is to ''chill'. It might never happen!

Cpaw

NONsmoker wrote: »

smoking to me is the most vile, disgusting thing a person can do. Smokers' sense of smell and taste are so dulled, they have no concept of how much it reeks to a non smoker. I'll have anything else, but I won't have a smoker!

To be honest, I think your opinion on smoking is too 'extreme' to say the least. My girlfriend is a smoker and I couldn't give a hoot, plus smoking is awful for me as I have a chronic lung condition, but I just ask her not to smoke in my company.

You are going to have to accept that everybody has their faults/habits,that we cannot change, because if you continue with your 'extreme' approach then you will just be left on the shelf. Is that what you want?

Lillyella

I'm with the OP on this one. Either your a smoker or not. If you smoke one a month - then your a smoker.

And I feel just as strongly as he does about it. It is absolutely disgusting. Revolting in fact. I could never become close to one.

However, OP, as much as it disgusts you, don't rule out meeting this girl because of it. It could be a missed opportunity which you will always regret if you don't do it. And if there is great chemistry then she may decide to give it up altogether.

Captain Ginger

God forbid someone you may one day love finds a single flaw with you and leaves you.

The key word here is compromise, without it you shouldn't even think of dating.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

No offense, but you come across like a man who would not allow 'his woman' out of the house without his permission, or start a fight on a man who dare look in her general direction.

You read all that in my post? You assume a lot. I hope you aren't a criminal profiler, or we'd all be in jail. I used one word, 'heartbroken,' which on reflection, was maybe a bit strong. The point I was making was that after a week of chatting and getting on really well, and arranging dates, the dealbreaker was dropped. She was expecting, and looking forward to, a date. So was I. No she wasn't 'heartbroken,' a milder shade of disappointment would have been more correct, since we are all so pedantic about proper use of words here.

Please explain to me how that makes me a 'man who would not allow his woman out of the house without his permission?' That to me sounds like getting a cheap dig in at someone whose opinion offends you, rather than a contribution of any value. Like a couple of earlier 'contributors...'

I don't like smoking. If a girl wants to smell like an ashtray, that's her business, but I won't be getting involved. I like my fresh air!

Jimmy Bottlehead

Lillyella wrote: »

I'm with the OP on this one. Either your a smoker or not. If you smoke one a month - then your a smoker.

And I feel just as strongly as he does about it. It is absolutely disgusting. Revolting in fact. I could never become close to one.

However, OP, as much as it disgusts you, don't rule out meeting this girl because of it. It could be a missed opportunity which you will always regret if you don't do it. And if there is great chemistry then she may decide to give it up altogether.

+1

If you smoke at all, you're a smoker? Like it or not, thats a fact. And chances are, the ones denying that in this thread are from the 'shameful' side of the smoking camp, thinking they are above smoker status.

I despise them - I simply couldn't be with someone who does. Its revolting, and I'm within my rights to request any potential other halves don't smoke.

However OP, no way will this girl be heartbroken... and if she is, she's worth avoiding anyways!

My OH smoked 2-3 a day, but when we started talking I mentioned I hated them and she dropped to 1 a day, and never around me. She then gave them up, and said I was the incentive she needed to do it as she hated the habit but couldn't find a reason to kick it before that. This girl might be the same. Ask her would she consider it if she really liked a guy.

LightningBolt

Lillyella wrote: »

I'm with the OP on this one. Either your a smoker or not. If you smoke one a month - then your a smoker.

And I feel just as strongly as he does about it. It is absolutely disgusting. Revolting in fact. I could never become close to one.

However, OP, as much as it disgusts you, don't rule out meeting this girl because of it. It could be a missed opportunity which you will always regret if you don't do it. And if there is great chemistry then she may decide to give it up altogether.

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

+1

If you smoke at all, you're a smoker? Like it or not, thats a fact. And chances are, the ones denying that in this thread are from the 'shameful' side of the smoking camp, thinking they are above smoker status.

I despise them - I simply couldn't be with someone who does. Its revolting, and I'm within my rights to request any potential other halves don't smoke.

However OP, no way will this girl be heartbroken... and if she is, she's worth avoiding anyways!

My OH smoked 2-3 a day, but when we started talking I mentioned I hated them and she dropped to 1 a day, and never around me. She then gave them up, and said I was the incentive she needed to do it as she hated the habit but couldn't find a reason to kick it before that. This girl might be the same. Ask her would she consider it if she really liked a guy.

+1

OP, if you can't work your way around it just move on. No big deal really.

Victor

OK, take it easy.

davyjose

Unregistered wrote: »

Smokers stink of smoke.

No, people who smoke LOTS stink of smoke. If you are going to be so specific about the definition of the word "smoker", then get it right. Otherwise it just sounds like your on your high horse.