Guilt

LegacyUser

I'm with my boyfriend just over 3 years. We're both in our late twenties. Last year we had a really bad year relationshipwise. Both of us had separate, family related difficulties going on and we were just fighting all the time. He dealt with all the aggro by becoming very, very cold and shutting me out. I lost all confidence in myself and regretably ended up cheating on him.

Fast forward to now, we've worked through the issues and somehow managed to come out still together. We get on fantastically, both realise our mistakes and are really closer than ever. But the thing is, I've never told him I was with someone else. Somedays the guilt of what I did hits me and I could vomit with the force of it. I can't help wondering if it's all BS because I have this big horrible secret. I'd NEVER be tempted to do anything like that again and never was before we went through that bad time. But sometimes I feel like I've just ruined the whole thing and it's all inevitably going to fall apart. We're at the stage where we're talking about marriage and kids and when to factor them in. But I now have this compulsion to confess, as if I want a clean slate or something, I don't really know. I know some people advise not to confess, that you're just offloading the guilt and the other person will end up feeling bad.I suppose I'm wondering if I'm just fooling both of us by saying nothing?

MagicMarker

To put it bluntly, yes.

You've already disrespected him once, don't do it again by leading him into a marriage and a family that is based on a lie.

He has a right to know the truth, it would be incredibly selfish of you to have children with this man without being truthful to him first.

SarahSassy

I dont agree, if you are SURE you will never do this again then there is not point telling him to make yourself feel better....

Its in the past so leave it there or it will destroy a perfectly good relationship.

Lollipops23

hmm,not sure i'd agree. was it just a kiss or sex too?cheating is cheating but a kiss can sometimes be put down to a momentary lapse in judgement. sex is different,pre-meditated or something. If you feel you'll never be able to move on from this, then perhaps confess. but if you've worked through all your issues and think you can forget it in time,it may not be worth sacrificing everything.

Kirnsy

whats that saying....'let sleeping dogs lie'??

bringing it up now could destroy your relationship.

it depends what you value more....your conscience or your relationship.

Zillah

Normally I'd reccomend you keep your mouth shut but if you're feeling as guilty as you are then I think it'll come out sooner or later anyway. If that's the case then it'd be better you tell him now rather than blurt it out in a fight years later.

crazzzzy

was it once off fling r did it go on 4 while? either way dragging it up now is pointless. if u think ul never do it again then its time to put d past behind u.

what u need to think bout is if ur bf becomes distant again will u b tempted to stray. women usually cheat coz something missing n d relationship. n ur situation u didnt feel loved by ur bf so its partly his fault for neglecting u.

if u do confess & get dumped then ul feel worse & ul have hurt him aswell. I confessed to cheating years ago & it ruined d relationship. he told me after he wished i hadnt told him coz it was a once off drunken mistake.

marti101

Dont tell him to ease your guilt but is there a way he could find out cause if he could find out it would be better coming from you.Youve learned your lesson and youll never do it again so why put him through that.It wont ease your guilt but itll eat away at him.Say nothing put it down to experience and move on.

Colonel_McCoy

If you know you will never do it again, I would say nothing. Coz if you do it could be the end of your relationship. Just try and forget about it

A wise man once said "if you cant remember it, then it didnt happen"

TheBlock

Are you sure everything has been sorted or is there some small part of you that doesn't want this relationship to work. Theres a world of difference between "getting on fantastically" and being in love with someone (i notice you didn't allude to this in your post). Maybe that needs to be sorted before marrige and kids?

[-0-]

Kirnsy wrote: »

it depends what you value more....your conscience or your relationship.

Great advice. I'm hoping you value your relationship more and as a result you say nothing.

Jesus Wept

MagicMarker wrote: »

To put it bluntly, yes.

You've already disrespected him once, don't do it again by leading him into a marriage and a family that is based on a lie.

He has a right to know the truth, it would be incredibly selfish of you to have children with this man without being truthful to him first.

^^
I agree with this.

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

If you know you will never do it again, I would say nothing. Coz if you do it could be the end of your relationship. Just try and forget about it

A wise man once said "if you cant remember it, then it didnt happen"

marti101 wrote: »

Dont tell him to ease your guilt but is there a way he could find out cause if he could find out it would be better coming from you.Youve learned your lesson and youll never do it again so why put him through that.It wont ease your guilt but itll eat away at him.Say nothing put it down to experience and move on.

[-0-] wrote: »

Great advice. I'm hoping you value your relationship more and as a result you say nothing.

crazzzzy wrote: »

was it once off fling r did it go on 4 while? either way dragging it up now is pointless. if u think ul never do it again then its time to put d past behind u.

what u need to think bout is if ur bf becomes distant again will u b tempted to stray. women usually cheat coz something missing n d relationship. n ur situation u didnt feel loved by ur bf so its partly his fault for neglecting u.

if u do confess & get dumped then ul feel worse & ul have hurt him aswell. I confessed to cheating years ago & it ruined d relationship. he told me after he wished i hadnt told him coz it was a once off drunken mistake.

Zillah wrote: »

Normally I'd reccomend you keep your mouth shut but if you're feeling as guilty as you are then I think it'll come out sooner or later anyway. If that's the case then it'd be better you tell him now rather than blurt it out in a fight years later.

Kirnsy wrote: »

whats that saying....'let sleeping dogs lie'??

bringing it up now could destroy your relationship.

it depends what you value more....your conscience or your relationship.

Lollipops23 wrote: »

hmm,not sure i'd agree. was it just a kiss or sex too?cheating is cheating but a kiss can sometimes be put down to a momentary lapse in judgement. sex is different,pre-meditated or something. If you feel you'll never be able to move on from this, then perhaps confess. but if you've worked through all your issues and think you can forget it in time,it may not be worth sacrificing everything.

SarahSassy wrote: »

I dont agree, if you are SURE you will never do this again then there is not point telling him to make yourself feel better....

Its in the past so leave it there or it will destroy a perfectly good relationship.

I find most all of these posts really, really disturbing.
I'm in a bad mood now.
Bye-e.

Darragh29

SarahSassy wrote: »

I dont agree, if you are SURE you will never do this again then there is not point telling him to make yourself feel better....

Its in the past so leave it there or it will destroy a perfectly good relationship.

I'd agree with this OP. We're only human and we do make mistakes. The trick is to learn from them and not keep making them. Don't cut yourself up over it is my advice, you've decided it was a once off, go to confession to get rid of the guilt if you are tormented over it! There is no crime in a mistake...

marti101

Im sorry i dont agree if she was doing it left,right and centre cheating on him thats one thing.Everybody is allowed one mistake that can be hers.Op theres no point losing your relationship over something you cant change.Theres no point ruining his trust youll just have to learn to live with it.And by the way dont tell anybody else esp the best friend otherwise you might as well tell him cause the less people know the better.

LegacyUser

Unreg08 wrote: »

I'm with my boyfriend just over 3 years. We're both in our late twenties. Last year we had a really bad year relationshipwise. Both of us had separate, family related difficulties going on and we were just fighting all the time. He dealt with all the aggro by becoming very, very cold and shutting me out. I lost all confidence in myself and regretably ended up cheating on him.

Fast forward to now, we've worked through the issues and somehow managed to come out still together. We get on fantastically, both realise our mistakes and are really closer than ever. But the thing is, I've never told him I was with someone else. Somedays the guilt of what I did hits me and I could vomit with the force of it. I can't help wondering if it's all BS because I have this big horrible secret. I'd NEVER be tempted to do anything like that again and never was before we went through that bad time. But sometimes I feel like I've just ruined the whole thing and it's all inevitably going to fall apart. We're at the stage where we're talking about marriage and kids and when to factor them in. But I now have this compulsion to confess, as if I want a clean slate or something, I don't really know. I know some people advise not to confess, that you're just offloading the guilt and the other person will end up feeling bad.I suppose I'm wondering if I'm just fooling both of us by saying nothing?

If he cheated on you during this time would you want to know?

themadchef

Unreg08 wrote: »

Fast forward to now, we've worked through the issues

Ok, so lets say you decide not to tell him, get married and a year or 5 down the line you have "issues" again, maybe bigger issues than you had back then. Can you say for certain you won't turn to another man for comfort? If you say "yes" i think youre only kidding yourself..no one can be sure of anything (taxes and death excluded).

Lets choose the other path, you decide to tell him. Honest heartfelt explanation of what happened, i think there's a strong possibility if you two went through so much, came out the other side and do truly love each other that you will come through this "together".

This will make or break the relationship. You will be devestated if being honest destroys this relationship, BUT do you really want to carry this for the rest of your life?

You say you have the "compulsion to confess", you don't sound like it's something you can carry and if it's not and you do get married i think it will eat you up inside.

Best of luck with what ever choice you make.

MagicMarker

That's right, we do all make mistakes. I think i'll go outside and beat the **** out of the first randomer i meet, after all, first time doesn't count really, not so long as i feel really guilty afterwards and promise not to do it again! :rolleyes:

OP, a relationship is based on love, trust, honesty and loyalty among many other things, if you just brush this under the carpet then you can say goodbye to all of that. If you were in his shoes would you like to know, or be treated like dirt and lied to?

davyjose

Kirnsy wrote: »

it depends what you value more....your conscience or your relationship.

And one has absolutely no bearing on the other? If the OP is racked with guilt then this will only get worse and blow up in their face.
The fact that is, every relationship goes through hard times, and there'll be more in the future. How does the OP know she won't cheat again next time? The only reason she feels bad, it seems, is because she tripped up the happiness she should be feeling during a good-patch.

Aurora Borealis

if it was me I'd have to tell him. For me it just wouldn't feel right having secrets like that and that's even knowing that it hurts like hell finding out when the shoes on the other. Maybe I'm an idiot but I think if I really loved someone and they could explain what had happened I'd be open to at least trying to work things out if they could convince me it wouldn't happen again. You just have to hope that having come through what you have together that you can with time hopefully get through this too.


Hope it works out for ye.

Lollipops23

MagicMarker wrote: »

OP, a relationship is based on love, trust, honesty and loyalty among many other things, if you just brush this under the carpet then you can say goodbye to all of that. If you were in his shoes would you like to know, or be treated like dirt and lied to?

wow you must have wonderful relationships where nobody ever gets hurt or makes mistakes.:rolleyes:
real life is different; people do stupid things, hurt the ones they love etc. it's horrible,but that's life. the OP has already cheated, what she needs to know now is where to go from here; is this worth ruining her relationship?only she can decide if it's something she can move on from or if there's a chance she could ever falter again.

MagicMarker

Lollipops23 wrote: »

wow you must have wonderful relationships where nobody ever gets hurt or makes mistakes.:rolleyes:
real life is different; people do stupid things, hurt the ones they love etc. it's horrible,but that's life. the OP has already cheated, what she needs to know now is where to go from here; is this worth ruining her relationship?only she can decide if it's something she can move on from or if there's a chance she could ever falter again.

Her telling the truth won't ruin the relationship, her cheating would though.

And yes, so far i've been lucky where no one has gotten hurt or made a mistake, it's not that hard if you think about it.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Aye - in fairness, there's hurting someone or making a mistake. But cheating is as disrespectful and hurtful as you can possibly be to someone. You KNOW it's wrong and that its likely to ruin what you have.

OP, if you keep this secret, how will you live on knowing that since you're so untrustworthy, he may be too? That he may be harbouring his own secrets for the same reasons you are?

You owe him to tell him. Either that, or live a lie and deny this man what he rightfully deserves - the honest truth from the woman who's (supposed to) love him.

davyjose

Lollipops23 wrote: »

real life is different; people do stupid things, hurt the ones they love etc. it's horrible,but that's life. the OP has already cheated, what she needs to know now is where to go from here; is this worth ruining her relationship?only she can decide if it's something she can move on from or if there's a chance she could ever falter again.

TBH, it should be her Boyfriend's call as to where the relationship goes from here. The OP, has made a pretty big call by sleeping with someone else Why should she now get to choose where the relationship goes?

SarahSassy

She kissed someone else...

Darragh29

SarahSassy wrote: »

She kissed someone else...

If that's all she does wrong in life she'll be grand!

MagicMarker

SarahSassy wrote: »

She kissed someone else...

Where does it say that?

davyjose

SarahSassy wrote: »

She kissed someone else...

Well either a) it's no big deal, in which case she has no reason NOT to tell him, or b) it is a big deal, in which case I go back to my original point.

Zillah

wellusername wrote: »

If he cheated on you during this time would you want to know?

Irrelevant. The issue is "Ignorance is bliss", you've just told her he cheated in this hypothetical scenario.

BraziliaNZ

yeah I wouldn't say anything if I were you, don't feel guilty, if he never finds out no one will ever be hurt, we all go through bad batches and these things happen, you're only human. Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. People who say "If you truly loved him you wouldn't have done it", aren't being realistic at all, these things happen.

tammie

i would really advise against telling him.it wont ease your guilt,and it will hurt him jeopordising your relationship.you made a mistake,but you know it was a mistake.there are plenty of people out there that go out intentionally to cheat and dont feel any guilt about doing so.you seem like a good person,and are sorry for what you did so put this behind you now.go get married have kids and do everything you want to do and be happy.life is too short.and let me just say,anyone can have a slip,it doesnt mean your a bad person or should feel guilty for the rest of your life.

sorrywhat

factoring in all the info, you were going through a rough patch, he shut you out, you turned to someone else for comfort. was this a person you knew or someone you met in a bar? Did you kiss this person or have full on sex with them?

as this was a one off i dont think i would tell him BUT, you must ask yourself, will you throw this in his face during a fight down the line? you cant get p**sed at him one day and say "well 5 years ago i f**ked someone else".

So you either keep it to yourself if you are sure it will never be mentioned.
but if you cant trust yourself tell him. i dont know what kind of person your boyf is and what way he will react.

best of luck though

Lollipops23

MagicMarker wrote: »

Her telling the truth won't ruin the relationship, her cheating would though.

And yes, so far i've been lucky where no one has gotten hurt or made a mistake, it's not that hard if you think about it.

i'm saying dragging up the past is possibly going to ruin the relationship.I just think it's narrow-minded and immature to say "you kissed someone else during a horrible patch you went through,you don't deserve to learn from your mistake and move one". It just seems childish IMHO,not everything is black and white. And all relationships have ups and downs,i refuse to believe some don't.

MagicMarker

Lollipops23 wrote: »

i'm saying dragging up the past is possibly going to ruin the relationship.I just think it's narrow-minded and immature to say "you kissed someone else during a horrible patch you went through,you don't deserve to learn from your mistake and move one". It just seems childish IMHO,not everything is black and white. And all relationships have ups and downs,i refuse to believe some don't.

What? You're reading words that a are not there because I never said relationships don't have ups and downs, or that she doesn't deserve to learn from her mistake, wtf does that even mean???

SarahSassy didn't respond to my question, no where in the original post does the OP mention whether it was a kiss or sex, I'm assuming by the wording she used, it was sex.

And once again, dragging up the past won't ruin the relationship, if the relationship is ruined it would be because of the cheating!

When this kind of topic does come up on here, many people agree that the OP shouldn't say anything, especially when children are involved. That's not the case here, they are not a family, they do not have children, they're just boyfriend and girlfriend. For ANYONE to lead their partner into marriage and creating a family under the pretense that there's a 100% honesty in the relationship, 100% faithfulness, is the biggest betrayal of all.

If I were the boyfriend, I would want to know, I deserve to know the truth. If anyone else thinks they'd rather not know, then they're an idiot with little to no self respect.

Captain Ginger

As a man if I was in a relationship with a women I loved and it was heading towards marrige or something similar I would rather know the truth, and personally (can't say this for everyone) but I'd be happy I was told and would let it go.

somethingwitty

You sound like you know you wont do it again.

Keep your mouth and let your guilt be your punishment, and a reminder of what not to do.

Aloysius Flyte

Unreg08 wrote: »

I'm with my boyfriend just over 3 years. We're both in our late twenties. Last year we had a really bad year relationshipwise. Both of us had separate, family related difficulties going on and we were just fighting all the time. He dealt with all the aggro by becoming very, very cold and shutting me out. I lost all confidence in myself and regretably ended up cheating on him.

Fast forward to now, we've worked through the issues and somehow managed to come out still together. We get on fantastically, both realise our mistakes and are really closer than ever. But the thing is, I've never told him I was with someone else. Somedays the guilt of what I did hits me and I could vomit with the force of it. I can't help wondering if it's all BS because I have this big horrible secret. I'd NEVER be tempted to do anything like that again and never was before we went through that bad time. But sometimes I feel like I've just ruined the whole thing and it's all inevitably going to fall apart. We're at the stage where we're talking about marriage and kids and when to factor them in. But I now have this compulsion to confess, as if I want a clean slate or something, I don't really know. I know some people advise not to confess, that you're just offloading the guilt and the other person will end up feeling bad.I suppose I'm wondering if I'm just fooling both of us by saying nothing?

Most relationship counsellors would say not to tell him. Mainly because where is the benefit to him? Telling him is to ease your conscience and to make yourself feel better. It can't be to make him feel better, becaues of course he won't. If you are absolutely sure that you won't cheat again, then don't tell him. Search deep into yourself as to why you did this and then learn to forgive yourself and then move on and start preparing for the rest of your life with him.

LegacyUser

I disagree with Aloysius Flyte, you should tell your boyfriend of your cheating on him. You have already been dishonest with cheating and by not telling him is just as dishonest. A relationship that has any future together needs 100% honesty first and foremost.

Kirnsy

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

Most relationship counsellors would say not to tell him. Mainly because where is the benefit to him? Telling him is to ease your conscience and to make yourself feel better. It can't be to make him feel better, becaues of course he won't. If you are absolutely sure that you won't cheat again, then don't tell him. Search deep into yourself as to why you did this and then learn to forgive yourself and then move on and start preparing for the rest of your life with him.

are you serious???

id say it would benefit the lad to know that his girlf is being perfectly honest with him rather than find out the hard way.

Aloysius Flyte

Kirnsy wrote: »

are you serious???

id say it would benefit the lad to know that his girlf is being perfectly honest with him rather than find out the hard way.

Why would it benefit him? So he can be hurt and all his plans and dreams shattered? If she is truely sorry and believes that it won't happen again and that she will commit the rest of her life to him, where is the benefit to him?

MagicMarker

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

Why would it benefit him? So he can be hurt and all his plans and dreams shattered? If she is truely sorry and believes that it won't happen again and that she will commit the rest of her life to him, where is the benefit to him?

The benefit to him is knowing the real person he's with, at the moment he doesn't, and in knowing HE can make the decision on what direction to go, HE can be the one to decide if his plans will be shattered.

Believing it won't happen again just doesn't cut it, she probably thought that before she did it!

Kirnsy

MagicMarker wrote: »

The benefit to him is knowing the real person he's with, at the moment he doesn't

+1

took the words off my keyboard

Jesus Wept

SarahSassy wrote: »

I dont agree, if you are SURE you will never do this again then there is not point telling him to make yourself feel better....

Its in the past so leave it there or it will destroy a perfectly good relationship.

Perfectly good? What utter jibberish!
WTF?!?


I'm still amazed and downhearted at the attitudes of what feels like the majority of posters thus far.

I imagine that this guy (like most of us) hopes to marry just once* in his lifetime and have kids* with that same person (*if at all).

Why on earth does she get to make an executive decision in his 'best interests' and demean and undermine him and his life?
He, like the rest of us only gets one shot at this thing.

What happened to loyalty? Ok, granted - people can make mistakes, but that's where honesty comes in,
where has that gone to? Communication also.

People have different standards, maybe this is a dealbreaker for him.
Why does she get to decide that for him?

So, here we have a relationship where the loyalty has been breached by one party.
And now the suggestion of many posters is to throw honesty and communication out the window along with it?
Mix a marriage and some kids into the equation for good measure too?
Sure why not?!


It is in his interests to be with someone loyal, and at a minimum, honest and forthright.

I'm begining to fully understand just why there is such a high seperation/divorce rate, relationships are kaput before people even walk down the aisle.

Reading this thread has solidified my viewpoint that I shouldn't put my full trust in anybody but my parents.



The OP should tell him and the relationship should sink or swim from there on, at least both parties will know what they are getting into.

To the OP: Should you choose not to tell him in full:

I hope you realise that everytime your better half tells you that he loves you, or treats you, or does whatever he does that makes you want to be with him - that it's not actually real, because he won't know you, you'll have no honesty in your relationship, and your relationship will be a sham.

If you want a truly real meaningful relationship - tell him.

If you are happy to live out a bullsh1t existence, one with someone who doesn't really love you, then don't tell him.
However, that will be at both your expense, and it's just not fair for you to make that choice for him.

If you choose not to tell him, I hope you remember this at every single milestone through out your lives together, and during every small moment you share.


P.S: Awww Wibbs, c'mon, even the voice of reason has lost his reasonable voice?

MagicMarker

The-Rigger sums it up perfectly, so much so that I shall just copy and paste that exact reply to all threads such as this:)

davyjose

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

Most relationship counsellors would say not to tell him. Mainly because where is the benefit to him? Telling

Have you done extensive surveys on this, or is it just a guess?

Any relationship advisor who advises someone to lie about an infidelity needs a career change.
What if they go through another bad patch, would they be "advised" to keep shtum on that too? And the next time?

rappp attackkk

tell him. its bad enough that you did it in the first place so why would you disrespect him even more by not telling him

metrovelvet

If you are feeling like this then it is already eroding the relationship. Secrets destroy and this is obviously eating you up inside.

I disagree with those people who say telling him is just so you can relieve your guilt. This may be part of it, but doesnt guilt tell us that we are doing something wrong? Isnt it there to send us in the right direction? I think you should tell him, so he can know you better, so he can test his capacity to forgive, so he can understand you and you can understand him. This will either lead to greater intimacy or it will destroy the relationship. But either way, because of how you are feeling about it, it is bound to warp things if you hold onto it.

What benefit is it to him? Well, aside from knowing the person he is about to marry, for all you know he may have sensed something was up and if you tell him then he will know he is not bonkers.

LegacyUser

I think the biggest issue here is that no-one fully knows the OP and her bf or their realtionship so how can we judge?? Having said that she's asked for advice but we should allow that all situations are not the same!

I was in a situation somewhat like OP's (We were in different continents and going through a bad patch, bf had his own 'issues' to sort out, I was lonely and felt neglected, some of the same things the OP went through, I kissed someone, huge mistake but I did not tell him and we are far happier now than then)

The big questions are....
Is there a chance you would ever do it again?

Did you at any time during the 'cheating' think of your relationship?
I'm implying here that if you did but continued with the cheating or with what led to the cheating that chances are you may do it again. The issue of sex/kiss is relevant here because sex can imply the incident lasted a bit longer, therefore there was possibly more time and opportunity to think of relationship, stopping to take clothes off... etc....

Is there any chance anyone else would ever tell your bf, if yes then I would tell him. Being told by someone else will be a bigger betrayal than you cheating on him.

Is there a chance you will ever tell your bf, if yes, then the sooner the better, he will feel betrayed you hid it for so long only to eventually tell him down the line.

Will your bf or your relationship benefit from your honesty. This one's tough, if you were still having the problems you had when you cheated then maybe coming clean could be a catalyst for other changes in your relationship.

Other posters have brought up how your bf doesn't know the real you... Well, my bf had skeletons in his closet, I found out, he fixed said skeletons, we are happy. Had he kept them hidden from me and fixed them himself it wouldn't be much use to me to find out later would it??? The only benefit would be if it helped me understand him more or if I was able to look out for warning signs etc. But if you will absolutely never cheat again what's the point in him knowing?? OP is not a different person because she cheated, she is the same person who went against her character and did something, her huge amount of guilt is one sign of this.

On the question of guilt:
I do feel guilty when I think about it but I have pretty much put it behind me. I know what I did was a betrayal of my bf but I also know telling him will not help my guilt or our relationship.
The problems that led me to cheat have for the most part been fixed and I know 100% that if they reoccurred or we had different problems I would not cheat again. I made a huge and really stupid mistake.
When you feel confident that it is not something you will do again, that it will not come out of the past to haunt you, and that your bf will not benefit from being told then you will not feel sick with guilt. Promise.
Best of luck and I hope you make a decision you're happy with.

outspann

Hmm.

Putting myself into his shoes, if there was someone that I really loved and that I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with, I'm not sure that I WOULD want to know.

Okay, it's true, I would get to see the real person. But is this really the goal of a relationship? Me, I'm with a wonderful person who I love very deeply. Do I think that sometimes she eyes up other men? Yes, I guess so. Would she indulge in a little harmless flirting when on a night out with the girls? Maybe, it wouldn't surprise me, and while it's harmless it doesn't bother me.

But - Do I want to know any of this for definite? No. Definitely not.

Somebody said in an earlier post - "if you did it before then who's to say you won't do it in five years time. Nobody knows the future". Hmm. And if she hadn't done it before, is that any guarantee? In fact, given that she feels so awful about it, I think there's a much better chance that she WON'T do it in future - she knows what that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach feels like.

OP - I think the important question is have you learned from what you did? If you have, and if you're sure that you won't do it again (Note: as sure as you can be!), then let the guilt that you feel be the punishment that you have to endure for doing something really sh*tty. So suck it up. And good luck.

Bottle_of_Smoke

SarahSassy wrote: »

She kissed someone else...

Doesn't say that, and I certainly inferred sex happened.

Doesn't really matter eitherway though. If I found out my grilfriend slept with someone I'd be more sickened but I'd probably still break up with her over a kiss.

Now OP, you were under harsh circumstances, but ultimately you did cheat.

outspann wrote:

Somebody said in an earlier post - "if you did it before then who's to say you won't do it in five years time. Nobody knows the future". Hmm. And if she hadn't done it before, is that any guarantee? In fact, given that she feels so awful about it, I think there's a much better chance that she WON'T do it in future - she knows what that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach feels like.

The term "once a cheater, always a cheater" has some merit in my opinion. The fact that she's done it on him once means she's open to it in another crisis situation. Sure that could happen anyway but if you ask me a standard has been set in this relationship

Perhaps if she met someone new she will be more likely to stay faithful, I think the only way to get around this is to tell him the truth and have that clean slate she wants so dearly. She's obviously not happy keeping this underwraps anyway.

outspann wrote:

Okay, it's true, I would get to see the real person. But is this really the goal of a relationship? Me, I'm with a wonderful person who I love very deeply. Do I think that sometimes she eyes up other men? Yes, I guess so. Would she indulge in a little harmless flirting when on a night out with the girls? Maybe, it wouldn't surprise me, and while it's harmless it doesn't bother me.

But - Do I want to know any of this for definite? No. Definitely not.

As regards flirtign with guys I'm completly in a agreeance with you. I don't care if she does it when I'm not there once she doesn't kiss the guy! However, I don't think flirting/cheating can be compared as a proper analogy!

OP - Now would be the fairest time to tell him. If you get married you can tell him knowing he has to face the humilliation of walking out of a marriage. That would be very selfish. I think by your sentiments that you will tell him, so for logical reasons alone you should be telling him now.

AngryBadger

I've been staying away from this thread for days, but I've finally caved, so here's my two cents

OP I wouldn't bother telling him. If I'm understanding you right this all happened over a year ago? You're not going to feel any less guilty about what happened, and he certainly isn't going to feel any better about you for it. I realise there's a lot of people on here saying they'd want to know, but what does that actually achieve?

The only instance where I think you should tell him is if it's effecting your feelings towards him. In your case I'd figure you made a mistake, during a time of high stress when the two of you were going through a rocky patch, give yourself a break.

You're allowed to be human every once in a while...

Tigger

The-Rigger wrote: »

^^


I find most all of these posts really, really disturbing.
I'm in a bad mood now.
Bye-e.

sure what you don't know can't hurt you ; like when my father had colon cancer