How often is often?

pwillis

Hi,
I'm new to this but i'm going to vent. I'm a 30 year old guy. i'm in a long term relationship. i'm happy about everything except for what happents in the bedroom. not alot happens in there to be honest. it is becoming a big thing for me and i can't go any futher without it.
how often do couples have sex.. its not the sort of things you discuss with your mates. I think i've had a lot of experiences and she hasn't.. we don't do oral sex as i think she thinks its dirty. she thinks its dirty when i cum even. yet she thinks it ok for me to go down which i don't mind as i kinda like the pleasure that it gives her. but to me its a lot messier dow there than on me(my opinion). i don't know what to do as we don't try many positions and not very often at that..
any opinions out there.
Thanks as that was great to let some of that out for the first time.

SarahSassy

Do you have full intercourse? If so, how often?

pwillis

yes.. about onece a month on average

LegacyUser

You wont be happy in a relationship where there is no sexual enjoyment.I would say either discuss it with her or get out of it.

peanuthead

how long have you been together?

has this been the case since day 1?

Wibbs

People and realtionships differ and nookie waxes and wanes, but differences in sexual needs are a problem. Common one judging by my mates.

How long are you together? Was she always like this or was the first 6 months rabbit time? Have you discussed this with her? Can you deal with this or will it split you up?

pwillis

just over 4 years.. no, its morso the last 2 years..
some time i want to go away off with someone for one dirty nite but theres no point in that..

Pherekydes

If your partner thinks that a sexual relationship is dirty, or any part of it, then she has serious issues that need to be addressed before you can go any further.

Mr. Incognito

You're just going to have to sit down with your partner and discuss it.

My opening line would be along the lines of, "I love you, and I'm not attacking you so please don't take this as such. I feel that my sexual needs are not being met and this is impacting my view of the relationship. I'm commited to you totally and want to come to arrangement that we are both happy with,

etc.

I've had this chat and women are likely to blow up and see it as a personal attack, and what's wrong with me etc rather than addressing the problem. Do NOT let her sidetrack the debate into "You never do any washing". Stay on topic and give her a time-out and a cup of tea if needs be.

peanuthead

have you sat down with her and spoken to her about how you feel (minus the bit about wanting to go off with someone else for one night of course)

Wibbs

Pherekydes wrote: »

If your partner thinks that a sexual relationship is dirty, or any part of it, then she has serious issues that need to be addressed before you can go any further.

I tend not to agree. At least the "any part of it" bit. I have a healthy attitude to sex and there are practices that other people may enjoy, that I just don't, nor would want to.

Within reason a healthy sex life is what you and your partner are comfortable with. All too often nowadays we're all expected to be gimped up and swinging naked from the light fittings with french ticklers attached to our nethers. It's simply not true. It may not be admitted but quite a lot of men and women don't dig oral and if their partner is ok with that, well cool.

OP I reckon the initial passion has worn off. The two years fine/four year bit sounds like that anyway. IMHO the passion stage is self sustaining on hormones and novelty alone. It doesn't require much input from either party. See partner naked=shag. As time goes by the excitement and sexual attraction need to kept going. This goes double for women IMHO. More things need to be in play for them to be aroused mentally and especially emotionally.

How is the rest of the relationship. Did this happen overnight?

Pherekydes

Wibbs wrote: »

I tend not to agree. At least the "any part of it" bit. I have a healthy attitude to sex and there are practices that other people may enjoy, that I just don't, nor would want to.

I meant to refer to the part where he said "even when I cum". Apologies if I worded it wrongly.

RoosterIllusion

Sex is a hugely important part of a relationship.

I personally think that any relationship I am in cannot function without it if it's a non mutual agreement.

If neither of you were concerned then it works out fine but for one person to effectively dictate when and where it happens is a very oppressive thing. Not that she should be bending to your will or anything but it is something that needs to be addressed.

Bring it up with her and tell her it's important to you.

If she doesn't understand that or isn't willing to address the issue then she is a waste of time to begin with.

Best of luck with it.

pwillis

thanks guys.. i have already sat down and talked about this.. she knows the score. i wouldn't ask for anything if i thought it was unreasonable.
i'm just really confused. think i will have another sit down on sunday..
The problem is we will probably will get it together on saturday night and then i will be happy for a while. its like i'm being tempted with a bone

SpookyDoll

its like i'm being tempted with a bone

.....made me giggle!

Deffo sit her down like you said, and point out to her as well its not nice for her to be thinking you cumming is "dirty" -thats not very nice now is it, she wouldnt like it if you said such a thing about her cumming.

Let her know there has to be a bit of give and take!!!

Wibbs

pwillis wrote: »

its like i'm being tempted with a bone

No pun intended. It sounds like exactly that. She is doing it to both please and appease you. It's a chore. Now you have to figure out why. I mean it wasn't at the start. Now you're unlikely to get back to that level, but you should be able to get back on track enough to satisfy both.

I'm thinking something has changed outside the bedroom. Has she any extra stress in her life? Has your relationship deteriorated in the last year or so?

petethebrick

To be honest 'sitting her down' isnt always the best way to approach it. Imagine your OH telling you you're crap in the sack- you might realise it, and take what they're saying on board but it's hardly gonna make you more confident/ adventurous/ comfortable in the bedroom.
With one girl i was seeing i had a similiar problem. Try reading up on some tantra stuff for example, plan some nights with the candles, setting the mood, the whole works. Just for example. Try doin it in the park...on the beach...anything to get her excited about the sex again i suppose. If that doesnt work its time to break up or find a good hooker i reckon^^

fabfemale

If I could add my tuppence worth, I've been married for four years and in the beginning, we couldn't get enough. Last year, it was very bad, sometimes going two months with nothing and lately, its been getting better again. I think men are much more highly sexed than women and I really believe that the sex in a relationship will never be the same as it was during the first few months of your relationship. It's the same for everyone. I was exactly like your girlfriend last year, wasn't interested, but we've a lot going on with children, etc. It doesn't mean I love my husband any less and I'm now starting to find my mojo again...:)

Be patient and loving and it'll work itself out, if it's meant to.

RoosterIllusion

fabfemale wrote: »

If I could add my tuppence worth, I've been married for four years and in the beginning, we couldn't get enough. Last year, it was very bad, sometimes going two months with nothing and lately, its been getting better again. I think men are much more highly sexed than women and I really believe that the sex in a relationship will never be the same as it was during the first few months of your relationship. It's the same for everyone. I was exactly like your girlfriend last year, wasn't interested, but we've a lot going on with children, etc. It doesn't mean I love my husband any less and I'm now starting to find my mojo again...:)

Be patient and loving and it'll work itself out, if it's meant to.

You won't get far around here with your balanced opinion and experience!

+1 to this post, if the OP's other half isn't a troll.
+1 to this post, if the OP's other half is a troll.

SarahSassy

When you talked to her what did she say to you?

fabfemale

Hey, it's my first day on here...........in time, I'm bound to peeve someone off!!

SarahSassy

fabfemale wrote: »

Hey, it's my first day on here...........in time, I'm bound to peeve someone off!!

fabfemale

Also, when things went a bit "stale" with my other half, he went from one extreme to the other - i.e. from wanting it too often (in my mind) to zilch, not even a hug or a kiss. Nada. I've had to use all of my womanly charms to get the old interest going again, so tread carefully and don't say anything you might regret. Relationships........bloody hard work!!

peanuthead

At the same time OP you dont want to tell her your problem, then go from that to having sex with her every night or whatever. Would you really prefer to be having sex with her every night, knowing that that she didnt really want to be doing it with you?

We are all so quick to assume that there is something wrong with her, well OP, no offence, but maybe you're not doing it right anymore!! She thinks its dirty because she's not enjoying it!

Instead of sitting her down saying, look were not having enough sex. Try sitting her down saying, look, I dont think I'm doing it for you anymore. Is there anything you would like?

That way you are addressing the problem, but not in an insensitive way.

kingofthecastle

from reading your post it appears to me as though she's the boss in the bedroom and dictates, how, when and if. this must be addressed and some sort of compromise come to.
it appears that you are meeting her sexual needs but she is not meeting yours. if it cant be worked out then get out of the relationship

SeekUp

pwillis wrote: »

how often do couples have sex.. its not the sort of things you discuss with your mates.

My my, what do you men talk about then?

As others have expressed much more articulately, "how often is often" varies from couple to couple. But if one person's often doesn't keep the other person satisfied, then you have to start getting to the 'why nots' of it. I'm going to have to agree with Pherekydes here -- the OP said that his gf thinks certain things are "dirty"; not just that she prefers not to do them. Granted, these are his words, not hers; but if they're accurate, then I would see a little red flag popping up and attempt to address that first.

b3t4

SetantaL wrote: »

My opening line would be along the lines of, "I love you, and I'm not attacking you so please don't take this as such. I feel that my sexual needs are not being met and this is impacting my view of the relationship. I'm commited to you totally and want to come to arrangement that we are both happy with,

The wording to this, particularly the first line, is a bad, bad, bad idea and will have the other person on the defensive immediately

I've had this chat and women are likely to blow up and see it as a personal attack, and what's wrong with me etc rather than addressing the problem. Do NOT let her sidetrack the debate into "You never do any washing". Stay on topic and give her a time-out and a cup of tea if needs be.

Men really don't get women do they Sex for women, apart from when we're horny as hell and then we'll just jump ye, is about what the day was like before it happens. If she's come home from work tired and she's had to do all the cleaning up, cook dinner, pick up after you and all the rest then yup the sex is going to become another chore on her never ending to do list.

Pamper her a little. Run her a bath. Make her dinner (nothing fancy needed) Buy her a bunch of flowers just to see her face. Put on a load of washing without being asked. Help out without being asked. Make her a cup of tea/coffee. You might be doing some of these already and have the current situation but there is a key in the day to day things that will help her libido.

Give a little outside of the bedroom and it'll be rewarded in the bedroom.

Sure talk to her but don't make it all about sex. She's being a bit silly really and hiding away something that's probably really bugging her so you have to try and get this out of her. If she's too tired for sex ask her is there a way that you could help so she isn't so tired anymore.

A.

fabfemale

Give a little outside of the bedroom and it'll be rewarded in the bedroom.


I couldn't agree more!!! A pair of Christian Louboutins would do the trick, I guarantee you!

Seriously though, that's a very relevant thing to say - if like is good outside the bedroom and she feels loved and cared for, it's going to be reflected in the bedroom, if you catch my drift.....

missbusy

Every relation ship is different i'm sure, but if you're questioning this it obviously means its not enough going on for you.

Can't you bring this up with her?

also, she thinks that you coming is dirty, - is it a religious thing or something ?

LegacyUser

Well,

I'm married 3 years, female 33.. We were together a year before moving in together & we couldn't get enough of each other.

Gradually, I noticed that I was always the one to initiate sex & so I stopped initiating to 'test' the situation..well by God, was I shocked. Days turned into weeks and I think at 5 weeks I brought it up and it was terribly akward.

That was in 2004, it continued that way & I went from kicking up murder about it to becoming passive about it...But it was killing me.

We married in 2005, me worrying all the while that I was headed for a sexless marriage but but Knowing I was marrying a wonderful man who I love deeply & who loves me.
On our wedding night we went to our room seperately, I was in bed before he made it back to the room, but we did consummate (just about) the next morning, only for my actions...On our honeymoon we fought because I had to ask for sex & I 'lost it' with him...

I became very frustrated & depressed after we returned from honeymoon & started gaining huge amounts of weight, trying every way to approach the situation. I went to accord (marriage councellors) for advice, I went to counselling myself, and each time we spoke about it he just froze & had nothing to say.

His parents sleep in seperate beds & I know that sex in his family is a no no area of recognition. He has one sister 30 years of age who since I've known her (6 years) has never so much as SPOKEN of men, never mind kissed any. So I have to take that into account.

It continues to this day, I have let myself & feelings known to my husband & even written to him about it & told him honestly that it breaks my heart & that it drives me to thoughts I shouldn't be having.

We 'tried' to get preggers there recently and that's how I got the sex to once a month... for god's sake even making babies wasn't motivation enough.

Right now we have sex about once ever month or two months, the longest we've gone without is 5 months.

Now I am thinking it's better not to have kids because I'm not sure how our future together will pan out.

This year I have kissed 2 men while I was drunk, full on kissing & I almost arranged a one night stand with one but I cancelled it once I was sober.

I personally am having what feels like an identity crisis as a result as I am questioning how I can live like this in a sexless marriage. Even when we do have sex I can't enjoy it because I feel like he's just going thru the motions. It lasts minutes & I can honestly say I have better sex on my own.

It is so devastating as I love him & I don't want to leave him. I also don't want to cheapen myself by finding affection outside of my marriage. I don't want to do that to him or to myself.

So, Pwillis, Take a fools advice from me, don't do what I've done because here I am 3 years married, 6 years in my relationship & only one of those years has been free of this frustration I now carry with me. I have let it ruin who I am and I am not who I was back then, confident & beautiful, I am sad, lonely, anxious & fighting a horrible weight battle on top.

Get help, work it out or decide if the love is worth the sacrifice

pwillis

To Guest 33..
Thank you for such an honest an open reply..
that is exactly how i feel. i just couldn't put it into the words you used so well.
i tried talking again this weekend but it ended up neither of us in good form,, hense no progress

LegacyUser

I'm also 33 and female and I was in a relationship for ten years and for the last maybe 5 years of the relationship the sex became less and less infrequent. It was probably a few times a year in the end. Now I'm going out with someone else and we've been together for 2 and a half years and things are so much better. I think when you're really into someone then you want to have those intimate times with them and it shouldn't seem dirty. It should be great to explore each others bodies. I love giving him oral cos I'm mad about him and want to have that level of intimacy with him. We make love 2-3 times per week depending on work tiredness etc. But if you have greater desires than her then you're entitled to have a better sex life. Its not dirty to want oral sex...thats totally natural and you shouldn't have to talk someone into making love with you. You're still young and you should be having a great time together and doing loads of positions. People say that you should end the relationship all too quickly on boards sometimes but can you imagine things being the same in ten years time or twenty years ??!!! Sex isn't the be all and end all but when its not present in a relationship it can make such a difference.

apathetic84

b3t4 wrote: »

The wording to this, particularly the first line, is a bad, bad, bad idea and will have the other person on the defensive immediately


Men really don't get women do they Sex for women, apart from when we're horny as hell and then we'll just jump ye, is about what the day was like before it happens. If she's come home from work tired and she's had to do all the cleaning up, cook dinner, pick up after you and all the rest then yup the sex is going to become another chore on her never ending to do list.

Pamper her a little. Run her a bath. Make her dinner (nothing fancy needed) Buy her a bunch of flowers just to see her face. Put on a load of washing without being asked. Help out without being asked. Make her a cup of tea/coffee. You might be doing some of these already and have the current situation but there is a key in the day to day things that will help her libido.

Give a little outside of the bedroom and it'll be rewarded in the bedroom.

Sure talk to her but don't make it all about sex. She's being a bit silly really and hiding away something that's probably really bugging her so you have to try and get this out of her. If she's too tired for sex ask her is there a way that you could help so she isn't so tired anymore.

A.

wish all men would take this advice

The Sweeper

SetantaL wrote: »

I've had this chat and women are likely to blow up and see it as a personal attack, and what's wrong with me etc rather than addressing the problem. Do NOT let her sidetrack the debate into "You never do any washing".

Why not? In case it's the truth?

b3t4 hit the nail on the head. In a settled relationship, when the spark has worn off, a lot of women don't just focus on sexual pleasure.

Why not, you say?

Well here's an out-there idea - perhaps their long-term partner isn't good at it? Perhaps she doesn't know how to ask for what she wants and as a result, doesn't enjoy their sexual encounters as much as he does? The act of sex itself isn't enough fun to justify it being high in her list of priorities?

Sex for women is very, very much about what goes on in the rest of their relationship.

The Council on Contemporary Families in the US conducted a study on the housework to sex ratio. The upshot was this:

Wives report greater feelings of sexual interest and affection for husbands who participate in housework.

I'm not saying it's definitely what's wrong with the OP's partner. It's just that it's hard to get wet about someone when you spend your life cleaning their piss off the outside of the toilet bowl.

metrovelvet

A woman's sexuality is 24 hours.

marti101

Why did you get married if the situation hadnt been resolved.Im in a longterm relationship 17 yrs.Im quite open about sex and it does vary.You could be jumping each others bones or not even thinking about sex.Is there any way op you could maybe give the sex a miss and kiss cuddle for a while.I know sometimes the pressure you feel to have sex when its the last thing you want,maybe she feels down in herself and that reflects in the bedroom.Go away for the weekend and dont ask about sex but enjoy each others company.Maybe after a few glasses of wine and a romantic dinner you can have that chat when you are both more relaxed and open for discussion.Saying that if you still feel like you are fighting a losing battle them maybe you have to put your own needs first and finish it.

LegacyUser

i was in a similar situation with a girl for 7 years. No oral sex, she didnt like it on me or her. Was a case where we had sex once a week or two weeks.i know its not a long time between the event but i always felt that i had to start it and it was always the same. me on top etc. We always fought about this and she always took it as a personal attack and it always ended with me saying sorry. I always wondered was i unattractive or something. Now we got engaged and eventually we broke up.
I then met another girl and wow, the difference is unbelievable. I am with this girl 2 years and we still are so compatiable its unbelievable, sex is amazing. WE can spend hours playing with each other, games, etc.

Now if i was too look back knowing what i know now i would have left this girl years ago instead of wasting time wondering if i was wrong...Sex for me is a huge part of a relationship. it validates our love and attraction for each other. now i can look at porn at take tips from it instead of wishing it was me.

MissyN

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

It's just that it's hard to get wet about someone when you spend your life cleaning their piss off the outside of the toilet bowl.

Thats the best thing I've ever read on Boards......it hits the nail on the head in so so many cases I'd say......:D

Beruthiel

b3t4 wrote: »

Men really don't get women do they Sex for women, apart from when we're horny as hell and then we'll just jump ye, is about what the day was like before it happens. If she's come home from work tired and she's had to do all the cleaning up, cook dinner, pick up after you and all the rest then yup the sex is going to become another chore on her never ending to do list.

Never a truer word spoken. Most men don't know this. Not only that, but if you were to point it out to them, they would think you were bullsh!tting and using it as a pathetic excuse.
Women do not seperate things into little boxes the same way men do. ie sex box, housekeeping box etc.
As has been said already, if you've left the dishes in the sink, your clothes on the floor for a month straight and never think to clean up the kitchen counters without being asked, then you ain't getting any cos no effort has been made by you in any other area of the relationship.

OP
You need to talk to your other half and ask her if she is unhappy and are her needs being met in all other areas of your relationship.

majd wrote:

It's just that it's hard to get wet about someone when you spend your life cleaning their piss off the outside of the toilet bowl.

Brilliant

LegacyUser

pwillis wrote: »

thanks guys.. i have already sat down and talked about this.. she knows the score. i wouldn't ask for anything if i thought it was unreasonable.
i'm just really confused. think i will have another sit down on sunday..
The problem is we will probably will get it together on saturday night and then i will be happy for a while. its like i'm being tempted with a bone

gees man, my heart goes out to you (but not in a gay way).
i was in a very similar position to you, beautiful girl, love of my life in fact.I thought the world of her and did everything for her, and we just really clicked. Trouble was she had very little interest in sex, we were young enough im only 26 now, but id see her mostly at weekends or sometimes it might be 2 or 3weeks b4 id stay over and even then i wouldn't be guaranteed anything, on average it was probably once a month and even then, it might not cum to its natural conclusion, the frustration was unbelievable. This carry on was on-going and we tried to discuss it, most of the time i was left feeling guilty of pressuring her and i felt i was always apologising to her. At times the situation made me resent her temporarly because i was more than good to her and i was getting nothing in return, i dont want it to sound like thats all i was after ,because it was'ent. I think my resentment and frustration was summed up pretty well onetime when walking through the lingerie section she pointed at something and said ''we could have fun with that to night mabey'' to which i replied '' dont make promises you cant keep'' needless to say i felt bad and apologised later (no ride that night either). Anyway, it feels good to vent this, id also be grateful if you could share your opinions abt my situation. im not with her now and have since been with and broken up with a girl that really liked sex, but i still wish i was with the other girl, women eh??

SIBHCHEVIE

Is she on the pill? When I was on the pill my sex drive was zilch, nada!!! I'm now off it a year and I am back to my old self again

ChickCool

when i end up dating someone longer then usual it ends up like this nearly always. i guess i have a stronger sex drive.in my case im not looking to get married or have kids,i like my life the way it is and i like meeting people so its never a big thing to let go of someone.in a long term relationship where you really care for someone i think people confuse teh sex with intimacy.do u cuddle or have little touches like stroking her hair etc?sometimes women need a lot of stimulation, its not just hop between the sheets and off you go.the earlier suggestion of pampering her is a good one,if she feels your being distant due to sex she might think your love for her is lessening,with little loving things and romance she will see thats not the case and maybe feel better about addressing the issue

LegacyUser

im depressed and relieved after reading this, im with my BF only 2 years, moved in together a few months ago.

the sex thing has been a huge thing on my mind.

before we moved in together, there was always a reason like 'oh my roommate will hear us' bla bla bla etc etc. or im tired / stuffed/ have football 2moro/ just played football/long day at work/ my legs are sore.....you get the picture, one part of me wanted to shake im and the other kinda bought all his excuses, and thought things woudl improve once we had our own place. i love sex, im not ashamed of it nor will i try to supress my desires for it. which is what i have noticed myself doing in the last while, sometimes i feel guilty for asking for it, other times i feel dirty for asking for it, my 'constant nagging' for it seems to annoy him...which is not true as i dont constantly 'nag for it' then when we do eventually get around to it, i feel he is just going thru the motions, i dont remember the last he came!

ive had all the chats with him, asking - is it me? is it you? what is it? what can i do to help? etc etc.

sometimes after the chats it will be good for a week but then die down again.

can i just also point out that im only 22... i lie in bed feeling guilty for not wanting to be with him beacause of the sex thing, because he is amazing in every other way.

is it reason enough to end things because of sex?

im young and know i should be out there having fun, not going to bed at 10.00 with a book and mug of coco - this actually happens.

am i concieted to think that i deservce better than this?

(sorry for bad spelling)

SpookyDoll

is it reason enough to end things because of sex?

Hell yeh, barring emotional or health problems which are temporary and understandable, IF it just comes down to differing sex drives, I would have to say there is no long term future in a relationship where the drives are dramatically different.
Everyone feels different about it of course but I just think life is too short to stay with someone who isn't interested.

am i concieted to think that i deservce better than this?

No, not at all.

SIBHCHEVIE

im depressed and relieved after reading this, im with my BF only 2 years, moved in together a few months ago.

the sex thing has been a huge thing on my mind.

before we moved in together, there was always a reason like 'oh my roommate will hear us' bla bla bla etc etc. or im tired / stuffed/ have football 2moro/ just played football/long day at work/ my legs are sore.....you get the picture, one part of me wanted to shake im and the other kinda bought all his excuses, and thought things woudl improve once we had our own place. i love sex, im not ashamed of it nor will i try to supress my desires for it. which is what i have noticed myself doing in the last while, sometimes i feel guilty for asking for it, other times i feel dirty for asking for it, my 'constant nagging' for it seems to annoy him...which is not true as i dont constantly 'nag for it' then when we do eventually get around to it, i feel he is just going thru the motions, i dont remember the last he came!

ive had all the chats with him, asking - is it me? is it you? what is it? what can i do to help? etc etc.

sometimes after the chats it will be good for a week but then die down again.

can i just also point out that im only 22... i lie in bed feeling guilty for not wanting to be with him beacause of the sex thing, because he is amazing in every other way.

is it reason enough to end things because of sex?

im young and know i should be out there having fun, not going to bed at 10.00 with a book and mug of coco - this actually happens.

am i concieted to think that i deservce better than this?

(sorry for bad spelling)




You Poor girl I feel so sorry for you. I don't think there is cause to end things though. Try talking to him again and say I know we've been over this before but things haven't really improved and see if there is any reason for his behavior. I am sure he is tired sometimes and thats understandable but when he is able he should be making up for lost time. The fact that he hasn't come though is quiet worrying maybe there is something wrong down there and he is too embarrassed to discuss it with you. Either way I would try and get to the bottom of it because its obviously upsetting you.

You could also try and surprise him one night with a nice romantic dinner, candles, wine, nice underwear and see where it goes. He can't say no to that????

Sorry forgot to quote!!!

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

is it reason enough to end things because of sex?

am i concieted to think that i deservce better than this?

YES, it's reason enough to end things and NO, you're not being conceited to think that you deserve a fulfilling sex life.

Think of it this way, OP - if it was the other way around, your bf pestering you for sex, people would be telling you to make more of an effort or to lie back and think of England for the sake of the relationship.

Perhaps talk to him to rule out that it's not a physical problem with him - and if it's not, if it's a question of differing sex drives, then there's literally nothing you can do to change things.

Your options?

You could accept that sex won't be a part of your relationship and stay with him. I wouldn't recommend this - you're only young, and you need to have a relationship with someone who's on the same page as you sexually so you can see how fulfilling it is. Imho, it creates a deeper connection, and it would be a travesty for you to miss out on that kind of intimacy and passion.

You could leave him and try and find someone whose sexual needs and wants are in line with your own.

You could stay with him, get hugely frustrated, end up cheating on him in the future.

Or, you could stay with him and discuss the possibility of an open relationship so you can get your sexual satisfaction elsewhere with his blessing.

LegacyUser

I think some Irish people subconsciously think of sex as dirty and sinful. There was (is?) an attitude in Ireland in many homes and churches that you only had sex after marriage and then it was only to make babies. Our parents grew up in that time and maybe it has been passed to this generation. Take for example the other poster whose OH's sister was 30 and didnt talk about men. Maybe some people feel dirty when they have sex for fun and not for reproductive reasons? Its just an idea Im throwing out there.

OP I do think its strange that your OH thinks it dirty when you come. Could this be linked to an unpleasant experience she had in the past? As for disliking oral sex, some girls just dont enjoy it. I dont mind it but if my boyfriend never asked me for it again, I wouldnt complain! It differs from person to person.

Do you spend time on foreplay and by foreplay, I mean gently caressing her neck, her back, the backs of her legs? Kissing her neck? Women arent like men, the sight of a topless man doesnt always make them what to hop on you. Ya have to work at it sometimes.

Also can I just say that a man's behaviour can be linked to a woman's horniness? Lads if ya fart, belch and bite your nails in bed, dont be surprised when your ladyfriend would rather sleep on the floor than have sex with you! Especially if the last thing she did before coming to bed was sit in your pee!

SpookyDoll

One thing I often notice about the partner with the lower sex drive, is that they will very rarely, if ever come out with the statement "my sex drive is low and this is not going to change" -this is terrible as it puts the other person in the position of casting around all the time for answers:
"Is it me, is it something I am doing wrong"
"Are they tired"
"Are they gay"
"Were they abused in the past"
"Is it health related"
etc etc

Yes, these things are factors, BUT if they are all taken out of the equation and the answer is simply that one person is fine without sex or requires very little sex, well then they should be honest about that and admit it to their partner.

Its wrong to string the other partner along with excuses and mystery reasons, hoping that the partner with the higher drive will just accept things, "put up and shut up" as it were.

It isn't fair on that person to expect them to continue in a relationship where there is deception going on, where the person with the lower sex drive is concealing it deliberately because they know it would be curtains if the other partner cottons on.

I often think if the person refuses to give a clear answer or reacts with anger and sulking behaviour when asked to discuss it, its a bad sign. Its nearly an answer in itself, an answer meaning they are not really into sex but loathe to admit it.

As much as you can get on fantastic with someone if you are not sleeping together and sharing intimacy to both peoples satisfaction, then there is a real problem.

It needs to be faced up to if the relationship has any hope!

Bottle_of_Smoke

SIBHCHEVIE wrote: »

im depressed and relieved after reading this, im with my BF only 2 years, moved in together a few months ago.

the sex thing has been a huge thing on my mind.

before we moved in together, there was always a reason like 'oh my roommate will hear us' bla bla bla etc etc. or im tired / stuffed/ have football 2moro/ just played football/long day at work/ my legs are sore.....you get the picture, one part of me wanted to shake im and the other kinda bought all his excuses, and thought things woudl improve once we had our own place. i love sex, im not ashamed of it nor will i try to supress my desires for it. which is what i have noticed myself doing in the last while, sometimes i feel guilty for asking for it, other times i feel dirty for asking for it, my 'constant nagging' for it seems to annoy him...which is not true as i dont constantly 'nag for it' then when we do eventually get around to it, i feel he is just going thru the motions, i dont remember the last he came!

ive had all the chats with him, asking - is it me? is it you? what is it? what can i do to help? etc etc.

sometimes after the chats it will be good for a week but then die down again.

can i just also point out that im only 22... i lie in bed feeling guilty for not wanting to be with him beacause of the sex thing, because he is amazing in every other way.

is it reason enough to end things because of sex?

im young and know i should be out there having fun, not going to bed at 10.00 with a book and mug of coco - this actually happens.

am i concieted to think that i deservce better than this?

(sorry for bad spelling)




You Poor girl I feel so sorry for you. I don't think there is cause to end things though. Try talking to him again and say I know we've been over this before but things haven't really improved and see if there is any reason for his behavior. I am sure he is tired sometimes and thats understandable but when he is able he should be making up for lost time. The fact that he hasn't come though is quiet worrying maybe there is something wrong down there and he is too embarrassed to discuss it with you. Either way I would try and get to the bottom of it because its obviously upsetting you.

You could also try and surprise him one night with a nice romantic dinner, candles, wine, nice underwear and see where it goes. He can't say no to that????

Sorry forgot to quote!!!

Gonna disagree. He'll never satisfy her and she's going to resent him for it.

Op, get out. she's not going to change. She needs someone like the girl above's boyfriend.

SIBHCHEVIE

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Gonna disagree. He'll never satisfy her and she's going to resent him for it.

Op, get out. she's not going to change. She needs someone like the girl above's boyfriend.

He prob won't change I will agree but for her own sake she can say she tried everything and then she can move on without feeling any guilt.

OP there are plenty more guys out there that you will get on with just as well and will only be too glad to satisfy your needs.

Bottle_of_Smoke

SIBHCHEVIE wrote: »

He prob won't change I will agree but for her own sake she can say she tried everything and then she can move on without feeling any guilt.

Sorry I just think that's retarded. She's going to feel guilt anyway for other reasons other than the sex issue. Why waste more of her time?