Girlfriend won't get a job and doing nothing

Carrigart Exile

Unregistered wrote: »

So me and my girlfriend live together, and have been for the last few months. However, she's contributing nothing fnancially. She's paying no bills, rent, food or entertainment. She does pay, for the most part, for her own clothes and make up. However, about 6 months ago I was fired and althought I had another job quickly the wage was less. She does contrubute in other ways, the house is always clean and she does the laundry. I love her to pieces but it's really stressing me out that she won't get a job. I have been asking her for months.

When I say, "won't" I don't mean can't. She really has made no effort to get a job. She gets €100 from watching her sister's child 3 to 4 days a week but most of this gets spent on clothes. She says she can't get a job because she's obligated to watch her sister's child. Meanwhile her sister is getting super cheap child care and saving for a deposit on a new house. So basically, I am subsitidizing her sister's deposit that pisses me off because we're living pay check to paycheck.

With the economy the way it is, I have told her things could get really bad quick and if she's working all the money she makes could be saved away for a rainy day. Even a job in a chipper answering the phone would be grand. We've walked by tons of take-a-ways with adverts in the window. She hasn't even made up a C.V.! In the past she's applied for nany positions but when these people ask her to drop by for an interview she blows it off.

On top of all this she's really doing nothing with her life. She has no friends, she's not taking any courses and when she's not watching her sister's kid she's on eBay. She's nearly 30 and going nowhere.

Can anyone offer any ideas on how I can motivate her and improve both of our lives?

she can start by asking sister for a reasonable payment for watching the children

LegacyUser

sprinklesspanky wrote: »

So I've had many "heart to hearts" with her. In the she always says "I'll get a job" but nothings ever done, no CV written no applications put in... days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. I don't seem to be able to get through to her.

She has worked before, she managed a call center. No, she most certainly doesn't have the baby blues.

When she moved in with me it was to be a step towards independence and not a step back.

She's not using me, because all I am providing is a night out once a week (I'd do that any way), rent (it would be the same with or without her) and food (that is an additional cost but minimal €300 or €400 a month). Entertainment costs money, transporation, and bits here and there all in all she's probably costing me €600 per month but that €600 could be saved. I haven't spent any real big money on her, no gifts like jewerly or a car. What I am frustrated with is we have no savings and we're going financially nowhere. If she had a job and was able to chip in we could be saving for hard times, right now we have no parachute. We also can't buy things that we want (a bigger TV, holidays) and I can't buy things I want (musical equipment). I don't like living paycheck to paycheck as it's fiscally irresponsible and it's keeping me up at nights.

I want to motivate her to get a job, I have been nice and I have been direct. Whatever approch I am using is not working but she's not attacking the prospect of getting a job with any vigor.

I want her to have a can do attitude and get out there and start making it happen. The economy is horrible but even trying would make me feel better.

GET. THE ****. OUT.

I have been scouring the Internet for a month, for somebody else in the same boat as me, and yours is BY FAR the closest to the same situation I was in. Let me tell you how it ends, since I was just there.

How it will end, my friend, is that after years of busting your ass while she sits on hers, the following sequence will finally happen one time too many:

* You will nag her about getting a job.
* She will complain to her family that you keep nagging her to get a job.
* Her family will offer their full support because, hey, they can.
* They will, however, let her know that they are getting sick of hearing about it, and start asking, "Are you really happy?"
* She, in turn, will start asking <i>herself</i> that, more and more, and decide that no, she's not. The real reason she's not will likely have more to do with the fact that she doesn't like the situation she's in either, <i>unless</i>, my poor boy, unless, you have finally had it and actually <i>yell</i> at her, in which case she will take <i>that</i> little blank check of absolution as far as she can.
* Either way, she will finally decide that <i>she</i> is sick of the situation, and...

* SHE will leave YOU, at timing that <i>suits her</i>, not you.


Let me explain, as clearly as I can, <i>exactly</i> where you are right now, and boy oh boy had you better believe it. I sure as **** didn't, and I am so screwed right now I'm not even going to get into it.

Where you are, right now, is waiting for your relationship to end. That's it, that's all there is to it, <i>that is where you are</i>. You have one, and only one, choice to make, which results in these two options.

#1. You can think hard about what the next two or three months are going to be like for all other aspects of your life, pick the ideal time to get the hell out of this situation, schedule it, and leave. This, <i>and only this,</i> will minimize the amount of damage the breakup (pardon me, I meant to say <i>inevitable breakup</i>) you are heading for will do to the rest of your life. Hey, remember that? That whole <i>your life</i> thing? Yeah. It's kinda ****ed right now, huh? Do you want it <i>more ****ed</i>? Then take the only option that will let you avoid that.

#2. You can wait until you have an even <i>more</i> stressful event in your life-- say, the death of a close relative during a major deadline at work-- causes you to finally snap at her a little bit. You probably won't even realize you did it, unless you really yell. But "something else" will happen, it will probably be the result of additional stress on you, and all it's going to mean to her is that she's finally had it with the nagging. At this point, <i>she will leave you</i>, at what I can virtually guarantee will somehow wind up being the <i>worst timing possible</i>. Picture having to walk into your performance review the morning after a breakup. Picture having to explain something to a manger. Picture having to talk to a loan officer, or a parking officer, or a tax official, or anything. Anything stressful. It happens the day after the breakup, trust me, unless you take initiative and leave. Or better yet-- what do you think she will do the next time you lose a job and the finances get <i>really</i> stressful? You know what she will do-- she will leave.

Now. In your case, leaving is going to be problematic, because I expect yours is the only name on the lease. Guess what? You're both moving out. If you don't, various horrible things may happen:
* She may be able to force you to let her keep living there, and won't <i>that</i> be pleasant.
* She may trash your stuff while moving out. Even if she's the sweet type.
* <i>Her friends</i> may trash your stuff while moving out. This is <i>really</i> common.
* You can bet they will try to go through your stuff while moving out.

The way you want this to go is like this:

* Pick a date within the next few months. Think about it hard; you will eventually find a specific date that is clearly better than anything else in that window.
* Line up a new place, <i>even if it's a dump</i>. It probably will be, because you're going to have a hard time getting rent and a deposit. It's important to realize where you really are right now: your savings have been totally depleted. The cheaper it is, the better-- you'll be able to start putting some money back in the bank.
* Get the place paid for, and turn on the water and power, etc.
* If you can get a cheap storage unit somewhere, get one, though hopefully you won't need it for very long.
* Take the opportunity to look hard at your stuff and throw stuff you don't need out. Donate old clothes, etc. This <i>will</i> get your ex's (and start thinking of her like that) attention, and you will need an excuse. "It's just time to get rid of some of this crap" will be adequate. Make no mistake, from here on out she will be vaguely aware something is wrong, but you need to do this.
* Figure out where you can buy boxes nearby. I recommend office supply stores; the more standard-size file boxes you can buy, the better things will stack to the ceiling, which you may need to do.
* No more than a week from the day you're going to get the hell out, start talking to friends and tell them you're breaking up, but you need their help getting everything out of your place. Pick a day and a time. Let them know you're going to be very angry if they tell her, and you will find out.

* And now, the sad part. While she is at "work" at her sister's, you guys do a mad dash to get all your stuff into the new place and/or storage unit or your friends' places or ANYWHERE but get everything the hell out of the house. All of it. You're not coming back.

* Here's the part that's going to suck. This last day, you're going to have to stay in the apartment, after your stuff is out, waiting for her to come home. Now is when you're going to tell her that you've had it, you're through, and you're taking control of your life back. You let her know how much time she has left in the apartment, and make it clear that, because her name isn't on the lease, she doesn't have legal recourse to stay past that. This is going to go badly and/or sadly but when it's done, you get to walk out the door and have your life back. She, presumably, will move in with her sister (which is very possibly something her sister has been hoping for anyway), and she will get to decide if she really enjoys playing nanny more than having a real job after all.

You should leave her at least a week to get all her stuff out, but you don't owe her any more than that.

* DO NOT KISS, HUG, OR FOR GOD'S SAKE SLEEP WITH YOUR EX ON THE WAY OUT OF THE HOUSE. Just don't. This is going to completely suck for both of you but TRUST ME you do not want to do this, it makes things even worse in ways you would only understand after having been stupid enough to do it. DO NOT DO THAT.


Oh, and where am <i>I</i>? Well, let me tell you. Right now, I am writing this in a bedroom with no heat, with windows that don't seal when we've been having sub-freezing weather. That bedroom belongs to a friend who is letting me stay here while he is out of the country. Why am I here? Because my girlfriend, who for two years would not get a job, <i>left me when I lost mine</i>. Right after she finished her degree, coincidentally. How nice.

There's only two ways it ends: on your schedule, or on hers. You've already been used as a wallet. Do you really want to let her wipe her feet off on you on her way out the door?

Take some ****ing control of your life back.

LegacyUser

When I thought I was the friendless one I won't be caught doing my dirty laundry in public. But I can't take anymore of the piss.

I try not to be so much of a burden. I sort of made a promise to help my sister but I'm not sure where you got the idea that you were paying for her house. With the wee money I get from her, I buy cheap stuff I need online(as there's no winter or is this cold in my fecking country). I love to shop. What girl does not love to shop? It makes me less depressed too. But I know when to stop and I always make it a point I've some money saved somewhere for when that time when we barely have enough money to buy milk I can pull something out. You din't really spend €3600 in that 5 months on me, did you? No. That's right. Cuz I din't think so too. However shallow and materialistic I can be at times, I always know where I stand. When you are loaded you blow it.. yes, w. my help sometimes c".) You'd give out on me 'cuz you can't figure out where all the money went. As far as I'm concerned this did not happen. YOU NEVER SPENT €600 IN ANY MONTH ON ME. You bought your friends dinner and drinks and stuff too. You have been more than generous to me. You were dear to me. Thanks for giving me 200 for my mum. Thanks for the nice coats, the jacket, stripey shirt, dirty lingerie and a bunch of other things. Thanks for them. I am forever beholden to you.

In an ideal world, I'd be working my arse off 14-15 hours 24/7. I may not have that vigor, zest for life that you're talking about but Im not lazy. For sure you know that. Im just in a bad situation, visa-wise. You offered to marry me, yes. I dint exactly decline but you have constantly given me reasons to reconsider and eventually ditch the idea. I simply lost interest in whatever we had.

Anyways, its been a month since I left. What has changed? I hope things are better now that Im gone.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

So me and my girlfriend live together, and have been for the last few months. However, she's contributing nothing fnancially. She's paying no bills, rent, food or entertainment. She does pay, for the most part, for her own clothes and make up. However, about 6 months ago I was fired and althought I had another job quickly the wage was less. She does contrubute in other ways, the house is always clean and she does the laundry. I love her to pieces but it's really stressing me out that she won't get a job. I have been asking her for months.

When I say, "won't" I don't mean can't. She really has made no effort to get a job. She gets €100 from watching her sister's child 3 to 4 days a week but most of this gets spent on clothes. She says she can't get a job because she's obligated to watch her sister's child. Meanwhile her sister is getting super cheap child care and saving for a deposit on a new house. So basically, I am subsitidizing her sister's deposit that pisses me off because we're living pay check to paycheck.

With the economy the way it is, I have told her things could get really bad quick and if she's working all the money she makes could be saved away for a rainy day. Even a job in a chipper answering the phone would be grand. We've walked by tons of take-a-ways with adverts in the window. She hasn't even made up a C.V.! In the past she's applied for nany positions but when these people ask her to drop by for an interview she blows it off.

On top of all this she's really doing nothing with her life. She has no friends, she's not taking any courses and when she's not watching her sister's kid she's on eBay. She's nearly 30 and going nowhere.

Can anyone offer any ideas on how I can motivate her and improve both of our lives?

yeah dude ditch her . dont get me wrong if u love her it will be hard but just think,I was like you 5 years ago now I have a 4 year old and a mrs who thinks she can sit on her arse ALL DAY and be justified.A nd then winge about money to me after a day of watching foxtel and walking the dog

John Mason

personally, i would be showing her door, while on the phone reporting her to both the revenue and the social welfare and probably the HSE while i was at it.

i have no time for wasters or scrougers, she is never going to change

Silverfish

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