BF shared bed with friend

LegacyUser

My Bf recently told me he shared his bed with one of his female friends after a drunken night out. He knew from ages ago that this was something that bugged me(it's just something i don't like) but still did it. In his defence, she was already in his bed when he went up, he just crawled in anyway. it doesn't help that she's one of those really overtly sexy girls, always in very slutty clothes and looks amazing all the time. Before this i always got on reasonably well with her, and while i'm now pretty ok with the incident i now find i just can't look her in the eye. I know that i would never get into the bed of a guy who i knew full well had a girlfriend, id crash on the couch!

COH

So they're friends, and nothing intimate happened whatsoever? What are you upset about! Would you be upset if he bunked up with a friend who was a guy? Whether or not she's hot is besides the point really, just sounds like you're insecure

jaybo1

Insecure??????????? What world are you living in? She has every right to be upset. Maybe nothing happened maybe they went to sleep and it was nothing, but it is odd. Why are you cold calling the OP insecure with that? You dont have the right to say that.

metrovelvet

I dont think it is something that anyone's better half would be comfortable with, innocent or not.

LegacyUser

jaybo1 wrote: »

Insecure??????????? What world are you living in? She has every right to be upset. Maybe nothing happened maybe they went to sleep and it was nothing, but it is odd. Why are you cold calling the OP insecure with that? You dont have the right to say that.

I don't think anything happened at all tbh, that's not the issue. i just think it was innappropriate. My bf was very apologetic and volunteered the information, saying he knew he shouldn't have and that i had every right to be upset. It's only since then when i saw the girl socially that i got annoyed, she seemed to know i'd found out and kept looking at me.

She Devil

I wouldn't be happy about it!! But the only positive thing here is at least he told you OP, he could have kept it to himself so as not to have you feeling like this!!

Pyr0

I share the bed with my female friends all the time if we're all staying over somewhere, we get into bed and sleep ! Although I wouldn't be too quick to jump in if it was a single bed, double would be grand.

dotsman

Impossible to say without knowing your boyfriend or the other girl (or having been there!). But, I have slept in the same bed as female friends loads of times. Sometimes while I've been with someone and other times while the girl has been with someone, and there's never been any issue with it.

Sleeping in a bed with someone means absolutely nothing. It is just sleeping. TBH, I would see it is the exact same light as them sitting on the couch next to each other watching a movie. (ie: under normal circumstances, perfectly alright. However, if they were sitting on the couch together, watching a porno, with their arms around each other - then there is a problem). Same with them sleeping in a bed. If all they are doing is just sleeping, then there's no issue. If however, they were sleeping naked etc or were cuddling/spooning, then it's not just sleep - there are sexual overtones.

As regards the insecurity - by definition, you are insecure (don't mean that in a bad way:D)! You are feeling insecure, as can be seen from the fact that (a) you are posting here, and (b) you post goes off to describe how you think this girl is all sexy and slutty!

Ultimately, this just comes down to trust. Do you think your boyfriend is mature enough and cares enough about you that he will not make a move on "sleeping beauty"? If so, then you have nothing to worry about. If not, then I think that this incident is merely a symptom of an underlying problem in your relationship.

PeakOutput

its not inappropriate get over it

Annie Bananie

I would not like it at all, but I think he did the right thing to tell you. As you say, I find it very inappropriate, as I believe its an intimate thing to do. Even though nothing happened and never would and you can trust him, its just best to avoid sharing bed with others, as it can very easily be an issue.

I think it would be good if he can try and imagine how he would feel if you did the same, I doubt he would like it very much, even if it was just a friend.

And again, lots of credit to your bf that still told you this, even if he knew you wouldnt be happy about it. Honesty for the win!

LegacyUser

PeakOutput wrote: »

its not inappropriate get over it

wow,thats so helpful.

in reply to another poster, i do trust him,totally. he's never given me any reason not to. i think that people in relationships need to have boundaries though and to me sharing a bed with someone else is crossing those boundaries. The weird thing is, i don't feel mad towards him, just when i see her!makes no sense at all,i know!!

MagicMarker

It all depends on the circumstances really....

If they were both sitting on the couch and go ''ooh, lets share a bed tonight, oh yay!!!'' then that's one thing. But he went up and she was ASLEEP, so he thought ''fúck it, i'm tired, i'm not sleeping on the floor''.

Were they clothed?

They're friends, they were just sleeping, he told you.

I don't think you have any cause for concern, you should probably get over it.

Karen_*

PeakOutput wrote: »

its not inappropriate get over it

Oh but it IS inappropriate. Very much so. Full stop.

OP just make a joke of it and say to her that maybe she could sleep in her own boyfriends bed when she gets one.:pac:

LegacyUser

OP, you have every right to be insecure about this. Friends of opposite gender may sleep in the same bed as each other on occasion, and there is nothing wrong with that. Although the first thing that springs to mind when you hear about it is something inappropriate, I have no doubt that it often happens in a completely innocent way.

However, regardless of whether this time was innocent (and from your descriptions, I would say it was), there are inappropriate connotations to the act, and as a significant other, you are have every right not to like it.

Explain to your boyfriend that you trust him completely, but that you find the idea of him sharing a bed with a woman uncomfortable. Explain to him that if there is a problem, it is your irrational but natural worry, not something he has done wrong, and ask him that to spare you this discomfort, he not do this again.

Once you have established that, if he continues sharing beds with female friends, the issue is not that you distrust him, but that he is not willing to change his bahaviour, even though he knows how much it upsets you.

LegacyUser

slightly off topic,but has anyone noticed how the girls are mostly on my side,and the boys are telling me to get over it?interesting!!yeah tbh my bf got some glares when he told me,but i feel like i should mention it to her that i wasn't happy with her drunkenly crawling into my OH's bed in some way. if i had done it i'd expect to get a smack from his GF so she should count herself lucky i'm not the violent type!

generic1

I would say get rid of him, if he already knew you had an issue with it and did it anyway you have no reason to trust him. Think carefully if you really want to be with someone like that.

Jonathan

generic1 wrote: »

I would say get rid of him, if he already knew you had an issue with it and did it anyway you have no reason to trust him. Think carefully if you really want to be with someone like that.

You are advising the op to get rid of her boyfriend because he slept in the same bed as one of his friends, did not try to hide this or keep it secret, but rather volunteered this information to her?!??

I admit there is a slight problem, but advising them to break up over it is off the wall stuff..

metrovelvet

I dont know why people think this is ok. FFS its considered inappropriate for brother and sisters to even share a room once a certain age.

MagicMarker

metrovelvet wrote: »

I dont know why people think this is ok. FFS its considered inappropriate for brother and sisters to even share a room once a certain age.

Have you ever shared a bed with a friend?

PeakOutput

metrovelvet wrote: »

I dont know why people think this is ok. FFS its considered inappropriate for brother and sisters to even share a room once a certain age.

by who?

Oh but it IS inappropriate. Very much so. Full stop.

in your opinion. in reality friends can do loads of things in a bedroom including sleeping and its completely ok and normal

I would say get rid of him, if he already knew you had an issue with it and did it anyway you have no reason to trust him. Think carefully if you really want to be with someone like that.

if she does this then the bf has dodged a major bullet this is such a non issue its laughable. THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU OP. you dont seem to be able accept the fact that your boyfriend can be around another beautifull girl and still want you more than them. thats your problem and trying to change him is the worst thing you can do.

you should probably tell him that he cant sleep in the same bed as any of his male friends either in case it turns him gay while your at it

SW81

Feck that, I trust my boyfriend but I still wouldn't be happy about him sleeping in the same bed as a girl, friend or not. I wouldn't do it. Whether you trust eachother or not it's respectful not to do that.

kev_s88

think about it this way. if they both hadve fallen asleep on a couch because they were totally pissed would you be upset??? because effectively this is what happened. apart from the fact they were in a bed.but there was no intenton what they did, its just the location that it happened that makes it seem inappropriate. i cant see any reason for you to have a problem with this if you trust him.

Beau x1

SW81 wrote: »

Feck that, I trust my boyfriend but I still wouldn't be happy about him sleeping in the same bed as a girl, friend or not. I wouldn't do it. Whether you trust eachother or not it's respectful not to do that.

Agreed. Absolutely nothing wrong with it but it's just not healthy in a relationship to do those kinds of things as they're basically a recipe for disaster and confrontation.

There's also a certain element of emotional damage involved. Sleeping with someone in the same bed is automatically perceived as something romantic. Even though it's completely innocent, we as people still can't help but think that they 'slept in the same bed together', because they did.

Karen_*

PeakOutput wrote: »

in your opinion. in reality friends can do loads of things in a bedroom including sleeping and its completely ok and normal

Oh absolutely friends can share beds and its fine. Not when they're going out with someone though. That's inappropriate. Not my opinion but fact.

unhappycamper

generic1 wrote: »

I would say get rid of him, if he already knew you had an issue with it and did it anyway you have no reason to trust him. Think carefully if you really want to be with someone like that.

Thats sounds very harsh. I would tell him if he does it again it's on his own head. Give him a chance.

LegacyUser

generic1 wrote: »

I would say get rid of him, if he already knew you had an issue with it and did it anyway you have no reason to trust him. Think carefully if you really want to be with someone like that.

Jesus i wasn't even considering doing that! even if she hadn't been one of his more attracetive friends i'd be upset. And i know for a fact that if had come up to him and said "he babe,listen i got locked the other night and shared a bed with another guy",he woudln't be happy about it. But he does know he was wrong, that's why he told me straight out and apologised.

gamblitis

If he knows her longer than you then forget about it. If they have been friends up to this point and nothing has ever happened with being sexy and slutty or whatever so what if they share a bed. Its randomers ya gotta worry about.

Junior #8

The best thing is to just show your dissatisfaction, but try living up in college with a woman as your room-mate....its a toughie to explain....the best thing is just a "don't do it again"....thats if the other half is worth it!

Trust is half the battle

PeakOutput

Karen_* wrote: »

Oh absolutely friends can share beds and its fine. Not when they're going out with someone though. That's inappropriate. Not my opinion but fact.

:rolleyes:............fact...........really??

what if it was a guy? what if it was 3 guys and a girl? what if it was a on a couch or on the floor?

LegacyUser

PeakOutput wrote: »

what if it was a guy? what if it was 3 guys and a girl? what if it was a on a couch or on the floor?

but it wasn't,that's the whole point. It was just them, in his bed.

samhail

if nothing happened would he tell you so he could be totally honest with you ?

or if something did happen would he tell you cos he felt guilty about it ?

LegacyUser

Hi OP, something very similar happened with my boyfriend and I. Possibly a bit worse in fact. (sorry it turned out a bit longer than expected)
We were long distance at the time (one of us had to move away for work for a few months just after we started going out- but I never had met anyone I clicked with so much and we decided to give it a go)... one night he had 2 female friends at his flat. One was going out with his other flatmate. So there was my boyfriend and this other single girl. Totally grand. But then I didn't hear from him that night and he was acting a bit dodgy the next day on the phone- I asked him if something happened. It turned out that they had shared a bed. The conversation continued and he swore that he had just 'cuddled up to her' (and was lonely and missed me etc+ was pretending it was me). Man, I was hurt!. No guy had ever done anything like that to me. I told him I think we should go down to a more casual thing if he was going to do things like that+ I needed to think about things. He was so cut up by his actions and genuinely appeared to be sorry, so I gave him a chance. That was 8 months ago... and due to work situations we were able to live close to each other again . It's going good and I'm happy that I didn't break up because of it.

As for that girl who shared my boyfriend's bed- argh!!!- she so fancies him lol. I don't think I'm exaggerating here- there was alot of us at a festival together and I was wandering around with some more friends and just ran into my boyfriend+ the rest of the group accidently (didn't stay glued to my bf for the whole festival!). The girl was resting her feet at the edge of his tigh. As soon as I came up, she immediately took them away. Things like that really mess with my head. I spoke to him+ he hadn't even noticed. That was a few months ago. + I've resorted to not ever mentioning her to my bf again, as it only comes across as being insecure (which in my opinion can easily wreck a relationship). I would never have to think about what happened again if this girl was friendly and nice towards me but she's really cold. I tried to make conversation with her numerous times and she never initiates it.

The only regret I have is never saying anything to this girl about her curling up in my boyfriend's bed. OP- I hope you'll be ok I wouldn't worry tbh- the girl was asleep when he jumped in. It's not like they cuddled up together etc (?). If you communicate as much as you need to with your boyfriend to get through it and can put it behind you, it should be ok.

carlybabe1

bitupset wrote: »

wow,thats so helpful.

in reply to another poster, i do trust him,totally. he's never given me any reason not to. i think that people in relationships need to have boundaries though and to me sharing a bed with someone else is crossing those boundaries. The weird thing is, i don't feel mad towards him, just when i see her!makes no sense at all,i know!!

I think you need to let him know how this makes you feel, or better again, ask him to think about how he would feel if it was you jumping in to bed with one of your friends
Ultimately id be asking him why she felt that it was ok to jump into his bed, why wasn't she in her own????
I would definiately be pissed too so I dont think you're on your own there

LegacyUser

carlybabe1 wrote: »

I think you need to let him know how this makes you feel, or better again, ask him to think about how he would feel if it was you jumping in to bed with one of your friends
Ultimately id be asking him why she felt that it was ok to jump into his bed, why wasn't she in her own????
I would definiately be pissed too so I dont think you're on your own there

it was his house, she crashed there after a party. i still think she should have crashed on the couch.

carlybabe1

bitupset wrote: »

it was his house, she crashed there after a party. i still think she should have crashed on the couch.

And I agree with you, but she obviously thought it would be ok to hop into his bed, I would ask your boyfriend why she thought this

And also that he makes it clear to her that its not ok to do this

RoosterIllusion

I did it once with a friend of mine after we went for a few drinks.

I, obviously, told my girlfriend at the time. Not because I didn't think it mattered but because I liked being straight up about things. In hindsight it was a stupid thing to do and if I could go back in time I wouldn't have done it.

Funny thing is I'm going out with that girl now :pac:

PeakOutput

bitupset wrote: »

but it wasn't,that's the whole point. It was just them, in his bed.

so you dont have aproblem with him sleeping beside / close to other girls / friends? so its just that the bed suggests something sexual then?

RoosterIllusion

PeakOutput wrote: »

so you dont have aproblem with him sleeping beside / close to other girls / friends? so its just that the bed suggests something sexual then?

Good post. I would say that a bed seems almost premeditated (or something to that effect, I can't put my finger on the exact words).

Falling asleep on a couch together after having a few pints doesn't seem as bad as a bed. I guess that's just a matter of associations I and other people have with beds.

seahorse

I wouldnt do that to begin with, because I know my partner wouldnt like it, but if I were single I would not hop into the bed of a male friend who was attached out of simple respect for his partner. In the case that your friend is attached it's not just about bunking down with your mate since you both know nothings going to happen; when a man is attached there are a third persons feelings to consider.

metrovelvet

The problem is him, not the girl who fell asleep in his bed. He saw her there, surely he could have crashed on the couch?

seahorse

metrovelvet wrote: »

The problem is him, not the girl who fell asleep in his bed. He saw her there, surely he could have crashed on the couch?

He could, but I'd be less inclined to wonder why a man would get into his own bed than to wonder why someone would get into a bed that was not their own, especially when there was a free couch. Most women I know would have the tact not to do that, unless they were blind drunk.

I cant remember OP, did you say there was drink involved? If so, she probably didnt mean anything inappropriate by it and could possibly be mortified, which might explain the funny looks she's been giving you since.

Beau x1

RoosterIllusion wrote: »

Good post. I would say that a bed seems almost premeditated (or something to that effect, I can't put my finger on the exact words).

Falling asleep on a couch together after having a few pints doesn't seem as bad as a bed. I guess that's just a matter of associations I and other people have with beds.

Yep, and this is the problem. Like I said back all the way on page one:

Beau x1 wrote:

Sleeping with someone in the same bed is automatically perceived as something romantic. Even though it's completely innocent, we as people still can't help but think that they 'slept in the same bed together', because they did

To be fair to the OP though I can see her frustration as I'm taken and I wouldn't even dream about getting in the same bed as a female friend, it's just looking for trouble and I know it would hurt my girlfriend. Common sense and consideration for your partner, like.

[Jackass]

Sharing a bed with somebody other than your girlfriend = wrong.

It doesn't matter if anything happens or not, it's just wrong imo.

Would I like it if a girlfriend slept in a bed with a guy, regardless of if anything went on? No, I'd be pretty p!ssed to be honest.

MagicMarker

[Jackass] wrote: »

Sharing a bed with somebody other than your girlfriend = wrong.

What if it were a male friend?

OP whatever you do, DO NOT bring this up with the girl, it is the worst possible thing you can do, she will then know that you are insecure, and will play on this, if that's the type of girl she is she will use it to her advantage. If its ever brought up in conversation (can't imagine it would be) then joke about it, like it really doesn't bother you.

A couple of things though, would it have bothered you if he had ended up sleeping in the same bed as an ugly girl - I bet not - this is an insecurity but there is nothing wrong with being insecure sometimes, it's human nature.....

also, one thing that is bothering me about your bf, you say you think the girl knows you found out about the incident, how did she find out??? why would your boyfriend be telling her that he told you? that is something that would really get to me......

[Jackass]

MagicMarker wrote: »

What if it were a male friend?

Well I wouldn't really share a bed with a male friend anyway, regardless of having a girlfriend or not, but if for example, she shared a bed with a female friend, then no, I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's different though, this isn't some sort of "equality" debate.

I mean if everybody is allowed jump into bed with eachother and I'm insecure if I have a problem with some things, then why not put a random adult in bed with a child...they're just sleeping in the bed after all. No, I'm sorry, it's just wrong. There are certain things that you don't do, regardless of if anything happens or not, and one of them is sleeping in a bed with somebody of the opposite sex if you are in a relationship. End of.

neuro-praxis

If everybody involved was ok with this, it would be fine. But everybody involved here is not ok with this, and that is where the problem lies.

Surely agreeing to not sleep in the same bed as members of the opposite sex is not too big a sacrifice when in a relationship? Come on people, there are floors and couches and then all complications are avoided.

cailin_donn

it's nothing. i hop into a bed with my guy friends ALL the time (yes I do realise that sounds extremely slutty but thats the way it is) it would be the same if they were lying on the same floor. it's just a bed...

if my other half told me he'd slept in a bed with his friend i wouldn't mind. if he told you about it then nothing happened and you should be happy he didn't make a move on this hot, slutty friend because he was thinking of you instead

MagicMarker

[Jackass] wrote: »

Well I wouldn't really share a bed with a male friend anyway, regardless of having a girlfriend or not, but if for example, she shared a bed with a female friend, then no, I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's different though, this isn't some sort of "equality" debate.

The only difference is your male pride being battered.

[Jackass] wrote: »

I mean if everybody is allowed jump into bed with eachother and I'm insecure if I have a problem with some things, then why not put a random adult in bed with a child...they're just sleeping in the bed after all. No, I'm sorry, it's just wrong. There are certain things that you don't do, regardless of if anything happens or not, and one of them is sleeping in a bed with somebody of the opposite sex if you are in a relationship. End of.

Comparing chalk and cheese does your argument no favours.

Bottle_of_Smoke

It's not wrong as nothing happened, but it is inappropriate as you told him you take issue with it.

I probably would share a bed with a girl I knew whilst in a relationship but I'd prob jsut never mention it unless some form of real cheating happened.

If my girlfriend shared a bed with a guy my annoyance would be different depending on a few things. If it was a guy she was friends with for ages and I was confident there was no romantic feelings I'd be fine I think. If I thought she had any feeling for him or vice versa I wouldn't be ok with it, no negotiation. Also the age of both parties, I think it would be more inappropriate the older you are.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Deleted User wrote: »

OP whatever you do, DO NOT bring this up with the girl, it is the worst possible thing you can do, she will then know that you are insecure, and will play on this, if that's the type of girl she is she will use it to her advantage. If its ever brought up in conversation (can't imagine it would be) then joke about it, like it really doesn't bother you.

Very good advice there.

Jakkass & MagicMarker wrote:

I wouldn't really share a bed with a male friend anyway, regardless of having a girlfriend or not, but if for example, she shared a bed with a female friend, then no, I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's different though, this isn't some sort of "equality" debate.

The only difference is your male pride being battered.

No, it's not, I think J is pointing out that it's not inappropriate because there is null threat potential from a girl. I doubt he'd beok with his girlfriend sharing a bed with an unattractive guy either