Family Argument

LegacyUser

I'm 17. I was telling my parents that I was going to go out to the bar with a few friends for a couple of hours tonight, and asked them if they had been drinking so they could give me a lift there. They said they hadn't but they were going to have a drink over dinner so they couldn't give me a lift. Then I said that was fine and I was going to take public transport (the place is only about 15 minutes away from where I live, not far at all); at which point they said that I wasn't going to go out anyway because I've had a 'good run'.

The last time I went out was Sunday, and I didn't even go out last night on Halloween. I expressed this fact and then they said that since I've been feeling under the weather recently if I get a chest infection they're not paying for the visit to the GP. I said that it was ok and then to add to this they kept on telling me that they thought I was going to save my money at which point I told them that it was only a couple of drinks with my friends, and I hadn't gone out last night opposed to everyone else. They still pressed against this even though I'm not saving for anything particular in their concern at which point I stated that my personal financial saving is down to me, I'm 17 for christ sake.

Then my dad said "ok fine go out then" in a patronising tone which made me feel guilty as if I had done something wrong, so I questioned this as I didn't want to go out with that lurking over me. Both parents told me to just shut up and do what I want and go out but I wanted to know what the precise issue was to rectify this as they had brought up just about every other excuse previous to this. My dad then snapped after I had asked him and came up the stairs while I was on them and pinned me down on one part of the stairs and screamed all sorts of nasty things at me and issued a few punches which weren't that vicious but still hurt a good bit to my chest and started to hold is hands around my throat, not trying to choke me per sé but at the point where I couldn't breathe. Of course I tried to get away from him but I couldn't as he had pinned me down. I then thought of kicking him down the stairs but I knew I wasn't going to be angry like him and physically threaten someone. He kept shouting "SHUT THE FÚCK UP" at me, reducing me to tears soon after. My mom had to come up the stairs to take him away.

I then explained to my mom that this kind of thing doesn't happen in a family and then she said "all families are like this" which is a lie. I mean they have their rows but not at this calibre.

I then told him what he had done to me and she just blew it off as if it was no big deal at all and as if I was exaggerating. This really hurt me that she couldn't even see what was wrong. She kept basically justifying his actions that I wouldn't be quiet when I asked the real reason for why I wouldn't be let out so I asked why she was taking his side in such an issue where what he did shouldn't be acceptable at all nevermind anything I did. She claimed she wasn't taking sides but it was clear she was.

I then went down the stairs to tell my dad not to do lay a finger on me like that again, to which he replied "if you don't shut the fúck up I'm going to put your head through the window". Of course I don't think he'd actually do that but it is a metaphor for other potential violence on a more serious level. Then my whole family took me out of the room as if *I* had done something wrong. They're now all eating dinner watching TV carrying on with their normal lives only minutes after.

I really feel hurt after all this. I'm just after working my *** off all the term and I just want to have a compromise between a steady workflow and a social life. A load of my friends go out every day of the holiday (which I'm on by the way) that they get.

My mom questions where are the bruises, at which I obviously have none to show as she knows that, but it's the psychological pain of it all. He can be a good father at times, and we have a laugh; he's retired and doesn't do anything but cater for the dog and play poker/chess all day. He does the odd bits and pieces but that's about it.

I just feel like pure shít to be honest.

Overheal

Before the 3rd paragraph there I would have told you that you were over-reacting much. Personally I think it was a bad move to question your parents in whatever fasion you did to piss them off. By 17 I knew better to swallow my pride and let them do whatever they need to do that avoids things escalating. But even then it was extremely rare that things went really south.

Gordon wrote: »

Think of the children

* Prevention of cruelty to children services including Childline
http://www.ispcc.ie/
http://www.ispcc.ie/Children/ISPCC.aspx?Page=Services
http://www.childline.ie/


General Info.

* The Samaritans are a well trained group of volunteers available to talk to youabout any problems or life grievances you wish to talk about. www.samaritans.org or email jo@samaritans.org to get trained samaritan help via email. Alternatively dial 1850-609090 to speak in privacy and confidentiality. This is a link showing local samaritans in Ireland
http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone/find_my_local_branch/ireland.aspx
* Don't know how to do something? anything at all? Well these people seem to know it all... http://www.tellmehowto.net

Also consider speaking with your school counsellor. Good Luck.

Lollipops23

it sounds like there's some huge underlying issue here-has he ever flipped out like this before?there's never any excuse for a parent to punch their child really,at 17 you're still a kid. your mother sounds like she's scared of standing up to him because he's hitting a kid!has he acted like this towards your bros or sisters?

LegacyUser

Lollipops23 wrote: »

it sounds like there's some huge underlying issue here-has he ever flipped out like this before?there's never any excuse for a parent to punch their child really,at 17 you're still a kid. your mother sounds like she's scared of standing up to him because he's hitting a kid!has he acted like this towards your bros or sisters?

Yeah I think she is scared of it, it's what I thought. And yeah, he has, but never this bad.

@Overheal:

I wasn't being smart, I was actually genuinely concerned there was some other reason why they didn't want me to go out. Like I said I didn't want to feel guilty.

dresden8

Then my dad said "ok fine go out then" in a patronising tone which made me feel guilty as if I had done something wrong, so I questioned this as I didn't want to go out with that lurking over me. Both parents told me to just shut up and do what I want and go out but I wanted to know what the precise issue was to rectify this as they had brought up just about every other excuse previous to this. My dad then snapped after I had asked him and

Maybe you should have shut the f*ck up as advised.

Overheal

dresden8 wrote: »

Maybe you should have shut the f*ck up as advised.

Agreed, but as for the rest, what else is going on in that house.

LegacyUser

dresden8 wrote: »

Maybe you should have shut the f*ck up as advised.

What? I just want to clear things up here as the general consensus thinks I was looking for an argument or something. What the issue was, I thought I had done something to upset them or I had done something wrong. If I was so self conceited I would have just gone out with my mates and wouldn't be sitting in my room in tears right now.. This wasn't the case of me trying to be a smartass.

gubby

Sorry but I assume you are male??
as someone else asked. has this happend before? do your siblings get the same treatment? perhaps your dad is feeling useless and that he is losing control. sometimes it is better to be quiet when you can see that someone is annoyed. Can you find a good time to sit down with your dad and talk to him about how that made you feel. I find that in the car is good for those conversations as you dont have to look at each other.. or go for a walk together in the dark.
good luck

Lollipops23

dresden8 wrote: »

Maybe you should have shut the f*ck up as advised.

If i had been spoken to like that i'd do the very same as the OP did. He does not deserve to be spoken to like that in his own home. Telling him to shut the **** up is like telling him to roll over and take the bullying.

kev_s88

Lollipops23 wrote: »

If i had been spoken to like that i'd do the very same as the OP did. He does not deserve to be spoken to like that in his own home. Telling him to shut the **** up is like telling him to roll over and take the bullying.

yeah but as lots of us have learned......which would you rather have...(a) being bullied by a parent like that or (b) having the shit beaten out of you for standing up to it.....i mean i know that no kid should be subjected to either choice but sometimes the choice has to be made......which ine would you chose??

highlydebased

As a fellow 17 year old I know where you're coming from.

Most certainly I would not take that sort of serious abuse. Speak to someone- the Samaritans/Childline/school counsellor.

Best of luck.

Malteaser!

kev_s88 wrote: »

yeah but as lots of us have learned......which would you rather have...(a) being bullied by a parent like that or (b) having the shit beaten out of you for standing up to it.....i mean i know that no kid should be subjected to either choice but sometimes the choice has to be made......which ine would you chose??

Why should they be his only two choices though??

As Overheal has said, Childline, the ispcc etc, are other good options for the OP to avail of also.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Firstly can I say, don't blame yourself for this incident. You are not responsible for your father's actions.

I come from a similar family situation. Tempers always flaired and blame was the name of the game. Arguments would erupt over silly things and when our parents would get really angry with us, we (me and my sisters) would "set" them off.

I thought this (and much much more) was normal. Your parents aren't always right and you should be able to calmly present your case if you're being unfairly treated. Being told to "Shut the f*ck up" is not acceptable.

I have been told at counselling that it is normal for children coming from angry/abusive backgrounds to blame themselves and lord knows I did. Don't let that happen to you.

Fair enough, if you hadn't pushed the issue you might not have been attacked. BUT you should be allowed to push issues in a calm manner without your father resorting to physical violence to get his point across.

Your father wasn't at all apologetic? This would ring alarm bells in my head especially when coupled with your mother's reaction.

Please, please, please talk to a school counsellor. If you stick with it (counselling) it really helps you see the situation more clearly and they can help you through until you're in a position to move out.

Please don't avoid dealing with this. It WILL impact on you in ways you cannot imagine so get help. You deserve it. xxx

silverhillgirl

Im so sorry, but i had tears of laughter coming down my face reading that story - i dont know why but i couldnt stop laughing, maybe because of the way you portrayed yourself to be such an innocent in all of this. Or maybe because it brought me back to my youth and the family fights i used to have with my parents.
Anyway, you sound to be very intelligent and articulate, surely you knew you were makin your father angrier, you should have (A) just gone to your room and had an early night (B) gone striaght out the door when he told you you could go out instead of pushing and pushing him asking all these questions untill he exploded .

LegacyUser

I'd get counselling but it costs so much money and I don't even know where to go for it.

My mom just came into my room today, demanding I give her back her phone charger which she doesn't usually mind me using anyway, but made it seem like I had done something horribly wrong by using it this time. So I gave it back to her, and then she hassles me about last night stating that my 'behaviour has got out of hand'. I ran what my dad had done to me by her again and she said "you were in no harm". That's bull****, I could have very well been. All this has escaped her. I then told her that while I may not have been viciously hurt I was very close to it and it's more the psychological pain than anything else. Then she questioned "Psychological pain? Ha!" then referred to the fact that I never invite anyone to the house, never bring my girlfriend around etc. because I'm ashamed of them. I told them that when they pull scenarios like this together, I don't want to bring people around to a family like that. It's just depressing and makes it awkward for me. I want a normal life with my friends, I don't want to bring how messed up my family is into my own friendships.

I feel like after all this my parents have just been like "ah it's grand sure" and then reverse the blame on ME.

@silverhillgirl: I'm pleased this made you laugh to that extent, but like I said I wasn't trying to be a smartass by pushing it, I'd have nothing to gain from doing that. I just wanted to know why they honestly had a grudge against me having fun with my mates.

My dads childhood wasn't all that great and his own mother treated him like ****. In a sense I'm worried that I may end up like him, I hope I don't though. His mother is also bi-polar.

I just can't believe how my mom thinks it's all fine and dandy. All these arguments are always my fault and I admit some of them have been just like they all are with parents and their children, but I just can't write this off as something that was my fault because it's going to give me a distorted reality of things. I talked to a friend about it and he said I shouldn't stand for that shít.

kev_s88

Malteaser! wrote: »

Why should they be his only two choices though??

As Overheal has said, Childline, the ispcc etc, are other good options for the OP to avail of also.

im not saying they're his only 2 options.but getting onto the ISPCC or Childline is a very serious step.its much more of a last resort than it is an easy fix.just think about the can of shit thats gonna be opened up if he phones one of them.....

coming from similar situation i know how OP feels.although there was never physical violence, there was often strong verbal confrontation. after a while i learned when to shut up to avoid an argument.maybe thats what the OP needs to do

ASIL1983

silverhillgirl wrote: »

Im so sorry, but i had tears of laughter coming down my face reading that story - i dont know why but i couldnt stop laughing, maybe because of the way you portrayed yourself to be such an innocent in all of this. Or maybe because it brought me back to my youth and the family fights i used to have with my parents.

How helpful, really my advice just is to keep your head down when you sense trouble brewing and just remember you wont be living there forever. I assume youre heading to college next year-just keep saving your money for those days when you can come and go as you like.

LegacyUser

Have to say I'm horrified by how many people here seem to think the issue is not the OP's dad's scarily excessive temper but rather the OP's nagging.

I don't care how much his questions irritated his dad- noone should ever have to put up with violence in their own home, or from their family.

The OP is 17 and seems very mature and articulate from his post. While I can understand laying down the law to a younger child, you can't expect a near-adult to accept being told to shut up when only wanting to know the reasoning behind a decision. The OP sounds more mature than his parents imo!

Obviously my family have rows like any other, but at base we do support anything the others want to do even if we disagree with their choice. For a row to escalate into physical bullying is unthinkable and I really don't think it should be considered normal or acceptable.

My best friends family is just like this- overbearing agggressive father that sees himself as infallible head of the house, despite the fact his childrens are all in their 20s now, and a timid mother who supports her husband in anything. Every other day in their house there's another clash that results in punches being thrown between the dad and the sons, everyone screaming and shouting, the mother in tears in the kitchen and blaming the children for "angering" their dad, my friend in tears in her room. I find the atmosphere in their house terrifying- they get on great the rest of the time and the fights are always forgotten quickly enough, but theres so much tension as the slightest disagreement kicks off the whole thing again.

This to me is not a normal or healthy way to live, and the children, even as adults, are mad as hatters when it comes to relationships etc as they have no ability to talk out problems rationally and have only learned that shouting louder than everyone else is the only way to be heard. The older ones (male and female) have all had serious relationships break up because of their bullying and on occasion, violence, whereas the younger ones now go to pieces anytime they have the slightest argument with anyone as they associate it with fear. It's a pattern of behaviour that unfortunately repeats itself through generations.

On the plus side, the OP is almost old enough to get out of the toxic environment or at least to distance himself from it (being financially independent etc) and he seems insightful enough to not let himelf become a bully in his own relationships.

Nevyn

dresden8 banned for 1 week.

OP you need to report this abuse esp while you are bruised.
I suggest that you find out where your local HSE health clinic is and go talk to the socail workers there. You should not be abused in your home, there is not excuse for this.

LegacyUser

Unreg post #18 you basically described my family life, haha. Good post and gave me reassurance, thanks.

Thaedydal, I completely agree and I would you know? But these things are easier said than done in some ways.
For example, I do this and something happens to my dad and before I know it my school fees are gone, he refuses to bring me to school in the morning etc (correct, I'm in my last year by the way) and any privileges I once had are gone.

We have had several arguments, not as big as this though in the last 3 months and in every one of them he has refused to take me to school in the morning. I don't know what to do. In some ways I'd rather cope with this misery and have a future to be quite honest.

I also have another dilemma; my parents are always complaining on how I have never brought my girlfriend home. They say they're interested but tbh I really feel as if they're just manipulative of me and use that as an excuse, because sometimes they purposefully insult her (i.e. is something WRONG with her?) when they don't get their own way or whenever we have arguments they bring her into the situation even though they don't know her but only because she's so close to me. But why would I ever want to bring her home when things are so messed up? I love her so much and I wouldn't want to bring her into an environment like that.

Nevyn

Can you not take public transport to school ?

If things are that you can be placed with a foster family until you finished school and turn 18, this is more common then what people think.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Can you not take public transport to school ?

If things are that you can be placed with a foster family until you finished school and turn 18, this is more common then what people think.

I'm not sure what kind of family would be bothered to have someone like me in their home, and also, I've no bruises but psychological pain to show to social services; and on top of that my parents could easily twist things in their favour for social services to be not bothered with me. Then there's the problem of who pays my university registration fees and so on..I dunno. I'm just confused by it all.

MagicMarker

I'm not quite clear on one thing, you've had arguments before but is this the first time things got physical?

I don't really know what to tell you tbh, in a perfect world, i would tell you to move out, but I guess that's not a viable option right now.

Overheal

unthereg wrote: »

I'm not sure what kind of family would be bothered to have someone like me in their home, and also, I've no bruises but psychological pain to show to social services; and on top of that my parents could easily twist things in their favour for social services to be not bothered with me. Then there's the problem of who pays my university registration fees and so on..I dunno. I'm just confused by it all.

I think our schools head History/Geography teacher (Liam Ashe, the guy who wrote the JC Geo text) I think it was either he had an old hand of adopting, and/or providing a place for anyone going through what you are. You wouldn't know until you asked. Schools have resources and connections you would never even think of. Friends in the police departments, etc. etc. So by all means have a word with your counsellor and just see where it goes from there.

RoosterIllusion

Wow. I have to say that for the first few paragraphs I was just thinking "your 17, it's **** but its reality, get over it".

Both of your parents sound like complete fúcking tools, based on what you said. I can neither imagine either of my parents saying "shut the **** up" to me, or even shut up for that matter nor laying a hand on me. Nobody is entitled to hit you or "choke" you.

If they were reduced to shouting that at you then I wouldn't not say you ill get much satisfaction from sitting them down to discuss the matter (if you wanted to do that). I would tell somebody.

As for your parents "twisting things" regards social services, that doesn't happen as often as you might think. Unlike most movies social services don't show up to see a perfectly happy family and call it a day.

University fees are covered by grants. There are a large range of grants available for all sorts of different reasons. Anyway don't worry about that at the moment.

I have to reiterate, based on what you said, your parents sound like assholes.

Musha

OMG,

i think that there must be something unlaying in your parents life that caused your dad to go off like that but there is no excuse to treat you or any man or child. I luckily never had to be in this senario having had a great relationship with my parents and also my sons, being told to shut the fcuk up by anyone is insulting and degrading.
Do you have any other support family fav aunt/uncle grandparents that you could lean on until this issue gets resloved. Please don't keep it to yourself as it will fester and grow until something more serious happens.

LegacyUser

I have to agree with post #18 - if only others had your wisdom and understanding. A couple of the responses to this thread are quite shocking. I have been in several situations such as the one the OP described. I've never set a foot wrong growing up and I used to be terrified of my mother due to constant verbal abuse and being hit for stupid things like screwing up on homework. My father would also take out his frustrations in rows just like the OP described. OP, you have every right to stand up for yourself when your parents speak to you like that. It is NOT normal and convincing yourself that it is will damage you. It's hard to tell from your post what your general relationship is with your parents but if it makes you feel rotten start planning your independence. That means putting off college, getting a job and saving like mad (unless your parents are filthy rich and are going to pay for college accommodation anyway). Don't go straight to college if it means still living at home.

I remember once I tried to open up about my parents to somebody. I had been forced outside the house and slept in the freezing cold the night before yet this "friend" could not accept that I would say such bad things about my parents. He told me that some of his friends had dead parents and that they wished they could take back all the bad things they had ever said to them...and that I should be grateful for all the things my parents have done for me. This, of course, is the reaction of somebody with very little experience of serious family conflict. For your own sanity, ignore posters who imply that YOU are the problem. Parents are just normal people after all, capable of being good and bad. As long as you treat others with respect, you deserve to be treated with respect.

Samesortathing is spot on, go see a counsellor if you can. Although yes, the money is a problem - but surely there is something available if you are under 18. I would really like to see someone myself but don't have the money either, I'm saving up desperately to move out. If you can't get a counsellor, confide in an adult you trust - perhaps a teacher.
I can't remember the last time someone visited my house - I never invite anyone over for the same reasons as you said...why on earth would I want to put someone through the experience of being in my mega-grim house?! ah I feel like I'm going nuts.........stay strong!!!

I assume dresden8 is the kind of person that would tell an abused wife to shut up if she knows what's good for her.

Silverhillgirl - wow, what an insensitive and moronic post. No comment.

tantipie

there is something def wrong with your dad,,i reckon your mom is afraid of him,,maybe he has lashed out on her before,,is there not a school counsellor that you can see for fre,,i know there is one in my sons school if he needs a chat,,

tantipie

dresden8 wrote: »

Maybe you should have shut the f*ck up as advised.

cant believe you said that!!

damienricefan

well i haven't experience such violence but i can tell you one thing i wouldn't put it past my parents

My parents are very single minded and averagely intelligent and i spend a lot of time disregarding them as they argue like inbred 6 year olds half the time

anyway rise above it , you have friends and you should be so greatful

they can get you through anything
this is a half assed reply but its the topic that caught my eye cos i can relate to you

LegacyUser

OP,
when i read this it was like i was reading a post about myself, only im female. same age as you, pretty similar situation.

My dad is unpredictable due to medication he takes, my mum takes his side. the situation you described is my life!! like you, its not the physical side that i cant take, its the pyscological and emotional. someone telling you your scum, you dont deserve to live etc. (now obvbiously these are at the other end of the scale) really takes its toll.

I love my parents, they're my parents after all and they really do care fore me, i go to a private school and we are not rich but i would think i live a comfortable life. My mother in particular would go to lengths for me at times. Dont get me wrong, im not trying to put them down - however i wish they could change their attidudes towards me.

This all started in first year ish, by second year I had had enough. Things happened and we were made attend councelling we went there for a year - i am now 3 years on from that and in no better a place. It wasn't councelling, it was a nurse picking apart agruements, showing me exactly what i was doing wrong. as for my parents - the view i got was that you should never challenge your parents on anything, and if you do you've gota sit back and take the consequences. Dont get me wrong, Im not saying dont say it to the authorities, my experience of them way that the parent is always right. they left me in a situation that was dangerous. Again, just my experience. Im sure thers been many cases with positive outcomes.

Things got to breaking point again midway through 5th year (im in 6th year now) I wont go into details, to cut a long story short i went to another (independant) councellor who could see my point of view and gave me things to try to try to get him to change his behaviour towards me. she described it like a dance, when one partner changes the steps the whole routine changes. it didnt work in my case, but maybe it could in yours OP? might be worth a shot. Change your behaviour and see if his does (not that you should have to change yours, it might be worth a shot though). im unreg, but if u want to pm me about this ask and il give you my username.

Ive come to the point where theres not much I can do until im finished the leaving, get a job and move out. I could have made life much, much easier over the years by not fighting back, by just sitting there and taking it. However where would that leave me now? I dont know. I feel that by being strong i have become a much stronger person. I havnt and i dont intend to let him beat me down - I am my own person and very independant (which he hates) because of it.

I have to stress that while his behaviour is completly out of line, inappropriate and wrong(imo of course) i dont blame him for it. He had a horrific childhood to say the least. His meds dont help either tbh. He can go off the wall at anything.

There are times where things are all rosy, but underneath it are the snide remarks and hurt.

OP I dont know if my post has helped at all, if anything at least you know you're not alone.

LegacyUser

I was just in tears to my mom this evening when my dad was out, I read out some of the replies here that I thought were quite intelligent and I think they moved her a bit although she still insisted that I was to blame, I just can't believe it. I know I shouldn't be blaming myself but she keeps forcing how she somehow extraordinarily sees it. She was talking to my dad about it when he came home and he, not surprisingly justified his actions by how 'nothing has worked on me'. I honestly can't believe it, it IS an abusive trait to make their victims out to be the one in fault and that's exactly what he's making me be here. I'm not a problem child at all, I've never been the type to smash their plates on the floor or do anything abusive. I think the worst thing I ever done throughout my childhood was when I turned 15 and kept telling them that I didn't feel religious and wasn't getting anything out of going to mass, which was my personal decision. They grounded me time after time, stopped any flow of money from anybody coming in but I stuck to my guns and thankfully as I stayed firm to my beliefs they eventually accepted it, 2 years later. Why is he making me out to be some problem child? I just don't understand why he would do that.

I remember in an argument about 4 months ago my grandmother had given me a cheque for about €300 IIRC. I can't remember the cause of the argument but he ripped it up to shreds. I then told him that was an immature thing to do, and then he said "maturity? you don't even ****ing shave yet so don't go onto me about maturity". I know it sounds unbelievable but it's true.

Then a few months ago when we were in Spain on holiday one night my dad had a fit with my mom and ended up drinking and pushing her to the ground. Of course I stood up for her 100%, we ended up getting a taxi back ourselves as we couldn't find him as he had decided to go and sulk after all the verbal abuse he had given me, my mother and my brother. Then as we were getting the taxi back, we decided to go back and find him as my mom suggested. I paid for the taxi and we returned searching for him. Then we didn't find him, so we went back to the villa we were staying at. He never apologised to any of us that night, not even my mom.

I brought the last argument up with my mom tonight, and she questioned how it was relevant to the situation. I told her that it was due to the fact that at that time, I stood up for her, regardless of what happened throughout the conversation that they had. He shouldn't have talked **** to her, and pushed her on the ground. My dad did the same thing to me last night, and I explained how she didn't stand by me.

So tbh, I've lost any loyalty I've had for my family..

silverhillgirl

Unregistered wrote: »

Silverhillgirl - wow, what an insensitive and moronic post. No comment.

Hang on a second now, why is a 17 year old kid going to a bar in the first place - by law he shouldnt be in a bar, he is under age. When his parents told him no he kept on at them, No means NO, while he is under heir house he should live by their rules, if he wants to go out and do what he wants, move out. Id also love to hear the dads side of the story - i doubt now very much that the events were quite like that. Even so if they were, he then went down to his father again to brew things up by saying, dont u ever lay a hand on me again, if he was as timid as he is trying to portray - no way would he have gone back down to his father to say that. There are two sides to every story and in my opinion we are not getting the whole story. By the way he was talking it sounded like a once off thing.

LegacyUser

silverhillgirl wrote: »

Hang on a second now, why is a 17 year old kid going to a bar in the first place - by law he shouldnt be in a bar, he is under age. When his parents told him no he kept on at them, No means NO, while he is under heir house he should live by their rules, if he wants to go out and do what he wants, move out. Id also love to hear the dads side of the story - i doubt now very much that the events were quite like that. Even so if they were, he then went down to his father again to brew things up by saying, dont u ever lay a hand on me again, if he was as timid as he is trying to portray - no way would he have gone back down to his father to say that. There are two sides to every story and in my opinion we are not getting the whole story. By the way he was talking it sounded like a once off thing.

Ok sure there are two sides to the story - but don't you see that it's quite unfair to assume that the guy is being untruthful? Your "opinion" sounds an awful lot like a hunch. I find your post offensive. I had a fairly unpleasant upbringing and learnt pretty quick to keep my problems to myself because of people like you. Ok so you may not be hearing the whole story - does that entitle you to respond with such a cruel comment about how you had "tears of laughter" running down your face from the post? I'm sure you need not worry about the guy being a few months below the drinking age, he sounds far more mature than you. I seriously hope you're not a parent.

LegacyUser

silverhillgirl wrote: »

Hang on a second now, why is a 17 year old kid going to a bar in the first place - by law he shouldnt be in a bar, he is under age. When his parents told him no he kept on at them, No means NO, while he is under heir house he should live by their rules, if he wants to go out and do what he wants, move out. Id also love to hear the dads side of the story - i doubt now very much that the events were quite like that. Even so if they were, he then went down to his father again to brew things up by saying, dont u ever lay a hand on me again, if he was as timid as he is trying to portray - no way would he have gone back down to his father to say that. There are two sides to every story and in my opinion we are not getting the whole story. By the way he was talking it sounded like a once off thing.

Look, I didn't ask you to question the legitimacy and/or accuracy of my post, and that's not what personal issues is for. I came here because I have had a genuine problem and would appreciate the general consensus' help regarding this. I am certainly not depicting myself as a timid character, and I don't like being treated like **** by my own father so yes I do feel the need to stand up for myself. And if you read my post above you'll see it's not a once off thing. I took the time to look up your other posts, and wow, you're actually not a troll; just an idiot making ignorant assumptions. Stay out of my thread now, please.

Quackles

silverhillgirl wrote: »

Hang on a second now, why is a 17 year old kid going to a bar in the first place - by law he shouldnt be in a bar, he is under age. When his parents told him no he kept on at them, No means NO, while he is under heir house he should live by their rules, if he wants to go out and do what he wants, move out. Id also love to hear the dads side of the story - i doubt now very much that the events were quite like that. Even so if they were, he then went down to his father again to brew things up by saying, dont u ever lay a hand on me again, if he was as timid as he is trying to portray - no way would he have gone back down to his father to say that. There are two sides to every story and in my opinion we are not getting the whole story. By the way he was talking it sounded like a once off thing.

You posted that a child getting pushed, punched, and strangled was amusing. Granted, I don't think 17 year old children have any place in a bar either, and I know that we're only hearing one side of the story, but no parent should ever abuse their children in that fashion, even a once off incident. Even if the OP is making himself out to be an angel where in reality he was being anything but, I can't think of a single scenario where the father's behaviour would be acceptable. And how dare the OP try to tell his bullying father that he will not be treated that way - surely he should just roll over and take it, as parents are always right.. :rolleyes: Teenagers will always question their parents, you did it, I did it, we all did. I don't remember being physically abused as a result, though!

Nevyn

silverhillgirl
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for the input unregistered, and yes I'd very much so appreciate your username to talk furthermore if you wouldn't mind.

MagicMarker

silverhillgirl wrote: »

Hang on a second now, why is a 17 year old kid going to a bar in the first place - by law he shouldnt be in a bar, he is under age. When his parents told him no he kept on at them, No means NO, while he is under heir house he should live by their rules, if he wants to go out and do what he wants, move out. Id also love to hear the dads side of the story - i doubt now very much that the events were quite like that. Even so if they were, he then went down to his father again to brew things up by saying, dont u ever lay a hand on me again, if he was as timid as he is trying to portray - no way would he have gone back down to his father to say that. There are two sides to every story and in my opinion we are not getting the whole story. By the way he was talking it sounded like a once off thing.

So, just to clarify, you think his father was right to do what he did?

MagicMarker

unthereg wrote: »

I was just in tears to my mom this evening when my dad was out, I read out some of the replies here that I thought were quite intelligent and I think they moved her a bit although she still insisted that I was to blame, I just can't believe it. I know I shouldn't be blaming myself but she keeps forcing how she somehow extraordinarily sees it. She was talking to my dad about it when he came home and he, not surprisingly justified his actions by how 'nothing has worked on me'. I honestly can't believe it, it IS an abusive trait to make their victims out to be the one in fault and that's exactly what he's making me be here. I'm not a problem child at all, I've never been the type to smash their plates on the floor or do anything abusive. I think the worst thing I ever done throughout my childhood was when I turned 15 and kept telling them that I didn't feel religious and wasn't getting anything out of going to mass, which was my personal decision. They grounded me time after time, stopped any flow of money from anybody coming in but I stuck to my guns and thankfully as I stayed firm to my beliefs they eventually accepted it, 2 years later. Why is he making me out to be some problem child? I just don't understand why he would do that.

I remember in an argument about 4 months ago my grandmother had given me a cheque for about €300 IIRC. I can't remember the cause of the argument but he ripped it up to shreds. I then told him that was an immature thing to do, and then he said "maturity? you don't even ****ing shave yet so don't go onto me about maturity". I know it sounds unbelievable but it's true.

Then a few months ago when we were in Spain on holiday one night my dad had a fit with my mom and ended up drinking and pushing her to the ground. Of course I stood up for her 100%, we ended up getting a taxi back ourselves as we couldn't find him as he had decided to go and sulk after all the verbal abuse he had given me, my mother and my brother. Then as we were getting the taxi back, we decided to go back and find him as my mom suggested. I paid for the taxi and we returned searching for him. Then we didn't find him, so we went back to the villa we were staying at. He never apologised to any of us that night, not even my mom.

I brought the last argument up with my mom tonight, and she questioned how it was relevant to the situation. I told her that it was due to the fact that at that time, I stood up for her, regardless of what happened throughout the conversation that they had. He shouldn't have talked **** to her, and pushed her on the ground. My dad did the same thing to me last night, and I explained how she didn't stand by me.

So tbh, I've lost any loyalty I've had for my family..

Your father sounds like a controlling, manipulative, abusing, bully tbh. He sounds like someone who will just push his family further and further away and not accept that his actions are wrong.

Victor

unthereg wrote: »

Hey thanks for the input unregistered, and yes I'd very much so appreciate your username to talk furthermore if you wouldn't mind.

This presents certain difficulties. PM a PI mod and we'll see if we can help.

Sleepy

OP, sounds like you need to accept that your dad is from a different generation, probably feeling a bit useless since his retirement and learn how to keep your mouth shut.

It sounds like your fathers from an age where men didn't talk about 'emotional pain' and considered any male who did to be a big girls blouse. Trying to talk to your father like a character out of Dawson's Creek isn't going to help matters. He's not capable of relating to his son on 'an emotionally mature level' and just considers you to be an annoying little so and so when you try and engage him in that fashion.

If you don't want to accept that, you're going to have to accept that you'll be paying your own way through college. You can't want nothing to do with your family and still expect them to pay your way through life. You're not going to change your father, he's a pensioner. You have to be the flexible one here if you want things to be better.

LegacyUser

Wow thats awful,
You really underwent massive amount of emotional and psychological pain. Dont worry age and maturity are completely unrelated. Adolescents are more mature than adults.
You deserve to have a home where your parents endorse and finance illegal drinking. You should not be made aware of financial matters and learn to controll your expenditiure and the value of money, or that you can't have everything you want right now, all of the time. You need councelling and a new house to live in and to be surrounded by people who only agree with you. You do not need to grow up. You do not need to realise that you contribute to every situation as it unfolds. You do not need to realise that you are responsible for your actions just as your father is responsible for his. Your father acted out of the blue with absolutely no provocation. You always give him the respect that he deserves as your father. The world is fair and to be honest it owes you big time.

John Mason

two things


you are 17, you shouldnt be out drinking in the pubs, it is illegal and it is your parents responsibly to stop you going out to bars. if my parents said no, to me. that was it, there was no answering back. No, is no

and there is far more going on here then what you said in your post, so i wont comment on it but if you are in fear, you should contact the ISPCC or your local garda station