Worst sexual experience

19-10-2008 4:53am #1

Just back from town & I really haven't laughed as hard at a story for some time.

So some guy is telling me of one night when he brought back some BIG minger back to his gaf on a random night. They were doing the initial fore play etc and he discovered that she had a little ''string'' coming out of her special area

. Seeing this for me anyway, I would be like....eh cya later especially with a randomer....... but not for this guy in question. So they did the whole lot. Sex, lickity lickity, BJ etc. An adventurous experience to say the very least.

Well at this stage we were just kind of sickened by this story until this....

He woke up the next morning to find brownish finger prints on his WHITE wall. From what he said there was about 20+ spiderman prints....some faded....some not so faded. So from what he can remember he went for a piss after the initial messing about and in the dark he spiderman'd it off the wall while leaving a very permanent mark on the ol wall....best part was... he still lived at home and his mum seen the stains on the wall the next morning. How possibly could you explain that? Honestly? ''Eh yeah I was finger painting while I was pissed?''.

I was in fukn tears laughing at that story. But it really has put me off my spiderman costume for the Boards beers.

So, what was your worst sexual experience? (yore ma jokes can **** off

)

newballsplease · 19-10-2008 5:05am

come again??

Zombienosh · 19-10-2008 5:25am

i can only imagine....

thats just rotten.

cHaTbOx · 19-10-2008 5:35am

newballsplease wrote: »

come again??

Erm ,I don't think he wanted to:D

FlutterinBantam · 19-10-2008 8:33am

Still lives at home with his Mom and brought home a minger for some red sex!!!

He's havin you on buddy.

giggsy664 · 19-10-2008 10:43am

Yore ma. Shes fugleh

19-10-2008 10:44am

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

Still lives at home with his Mom and brought home a minger for some red sex!!!

He's havin you on buddy.

lol I dont know what century you live in but I have done.

FlutterinBantam · 19-10-2008 10:51am

That about tells me all I need to know buddy.

Pure class.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 19-10-2008 11:00am

"Some Guy....?"
Riiiiight.....!

motherfunker · 19-10-2008 11:59am

A friend of mine told me about when he was going out with a girl years ago. They were in her room, doing the do, doggy style, things were really hotting up, then her father walked into the room, he pulled out in shock and just at the same time done his business all over her bum, in front of her father.

19-10-2008 12:03pm

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

That about tells me all I need to know buddy.

Pure class.

rofl I didn't notice the ''red'' sex part in your post. I did mean however that bringing a girl back home when you are still living at home is a normal thing....

O dear. I'll get my coat.

RandolphEsq · 19-10-2008 12:04pm

An old schoolmate of mine was in Thailand backpacking. Got a prostitute and the condom ripped so he became HIV positive. Moral of the story; If you are a goose, do not drown yourself

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 19-10-2008 12:06pm

motherfunker wrote: »

A friend of mine told me about when he was going out with a girl years ago. They were in her room, doing the do, doggy style, things were really hotting up, then her father walked into the room, he pulled out in shock and just at the same time done his business all over her bum, in front of her father.

The trick there is, as he's leaving, to shout in a naslly voice, "vote Quimby!"

SoWatchaWant · 19-10-2008 12:12pm

My mate was getting there with an American girl, and all was goin grand until she started sayin stuff like saying "yeah" "F*ck yeah" and saying "James" (the guys name), he said it was weird cause it was like watchin a porno with the mouth on her.

Vain · 19-10-2008 12:18pm

SoWatchaWant wrote: »

My mate was getting there with an American girl, and all was goin grand until she started sayin stuff like saying "yeah" "F*ck yeah" and saying "James" (the guys name), he said it was weird cause it was like watchin a porno with the mouth on her.

I'm guessing he was or still is a virgin if he thinks thats a bad sexual experience.:rolleyes:

SoWatchaWant · 19-10-2008 1:21pm

Vain wrote: »

I'm guessing he was or still is a virgin if he thinks thats a bad sexual experience.:rolleyes:

meh, i think it's weird, matter of taste i suppose.

Shmuck · 19-10-2008 1:33pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Just back from town & I really haven't laughed as hard at a story for some time.

So some guy is telling me of one night when he brought back some BIG minger back to his gaf on a random night. They were doing the initial fore play etc and he discovered that she had a little ''string'' coming out of her special area . Seeing this for me anyway, I would be like....eh cya later especially with a randomer....... but not for this guy in question. So they did the whole lot. Sex, lickity lickity, BJ etc. An adventurous experience to say the very least.

Well at this stage we were just kind of sickened by this story until this....

He woke up the next morning to find brownish finger prints on his WHITE wall. From what he said there was about 20+ spiderman prints....some faded....some not so faded. So from what he can remember he went for a piss after the initial messing about and in the dark he spiderman'd it off the wall while leaving a very permanent mark on the ol wall....best part was... he still lived at home and his mum seen the stains on the wall the next morning. How possibly could you explain that? Honestly? ''Eh yeah I was finger painting while I was pissed?''.

I was in fukn tears laughing at that story. But it really has put me off my spiderman costume for the Boards beers.

So, what was your worst sexual experience? (yore ma jokes can **** off )

I don't get it, why was there brownish marks on the wall? Was he finguring her arse after she had a ****?

Cionnfhaolaidh · 19-10-2008 1:36pm

Shmuck wrote: »

I don't get it, why was there brownish marks on the wall? Was he finguring her arse after she had a ****?

:eek: No, man, he got gee blob on his hand..

Captain Darling · 19-10-2008 1:40pm

Cionnfhaolaidh wrote: »

:eek: No, man, he got gee blob on his hand..

Gee blob...............................

Nice.

sinlessgunner · 19-10-2008 1:41pm

Funniest thread in ages!! I'm crying with laughter!

Gummy Panda · 19-10-2008 2:22pm

motherfunker wrote: »

A friend of mine told me about when he was going out with a girl years ago. They were in her room, doing the do, doggy style, things were really hotting up, then her father walked into the room, he pulled out in shock and just at the same time done his business all over her bum, in front of her father.

awesome!

I've nearly been caught in the act by ex's parents but i don't know what i would have done in his situation.

MJOR · 19-10-2008 2:39pm

Captain Darling wrote: »

Gee blob...............................

Nice.

I feel ill...........

speaktofrank · 19-10-2008 3:05pm

BrightEyes wrote: »

An old schoolmate of mine was in Thailand backpacking. Got a prostitute and the condom ripped so he became HIV positive. Moral of the story; If you are a goose, do not drown yourself

Way to kill a thread....

Wurly · 19-10-2008 3:10pm

That is a f*cking disgusting story.

Any man who puts his face down there during a period deserves all the 'gee blob' (vomit) he gets.

Lux23 · 19-10-2008 3:12pm

I really fancied this friend of my housemate, he was completely my type. Lovely curly hair, broad body, funny and smart. Anyway one night I was out with this housemate and your man was there and we all ended back in my house for several bottles of sweet wine bought in the gigs place.

Anyway I ended up in bed with this fella and i was so drunk I had to jump out of the bed half way to vomit, it was not very sexy. I reckon we would have still been together if that hadn't happened. Ah well. I am a catch really.

seclachi · 19-10-2008 3:20pm

I have two I have heard from friends, both are pretty hilarious.

The first one was a guy who picked up a chick in a bar, they were completely pissed. Anyway they went somewhere for some action, and your man was riding her while she was sitting in his lap. Next thing just as she peaked some really nasty curry she musta had earlier came gushing out all over your mans chest. He was wearing a white shirt and I think he had to walk home after that. That one kept me in stiches for ages.

The second one was this fella who went home with a girl he also met in a pub. She had a reputation around the area as being a bit of a village bike. Anyway, there doing there thing, and the next thing you know she asks him to open the drawer and get out... a ladys assistant we shall say, and put it in her bum. Okay hes thinking, thats a bit freaky, but shes good looking and this is going well. Next thing she says, get another one out. He goes ok, and wonders where its going (so to speak). She says "now shove it up your arse". He was gone like a shot haha.

Sir Gallagher · 19-10-2008 3:26pm

Lux23 wrote: »

I really fancied this friend of my housemate, he was completely my type. Lovely curly hair, broad body, funny and smart. Anyway one night I was out with this housemate and your man was there and we all ended back in my house for several bottles of sweet wine bought in the gigs place.

Anyway I ended up in bed with this fella and i was so drunk I had to jump out of the bed half way to vomit, it was not very sexy. I reckon we would have still been together if that hadn't happened. Ah well. I am a catch really.

He doesn't deserve you, i'd let you vomit on me!

Lux23 · 19-10-2008 3:29pm

Sir Gallagher wrote: »

He doesn't deserve you, i'd let you vomit on me!

Aren't you very kind. Are you some sort of bodily fluids freak?

I heard a similar one about a girl pooing on some guys chest but it was planned!:p

taidghbaby · 19-10-2008 3:32pm

Lux23 wrote: »

Aren't you very kind. Are you some sort of bodily fluids freak?

I heard a similar one about a girl pooing on some guys chest but it was planned!:p

you say that as if theres something wrong with him?

19-10-2008 3:34pm

i'm kinda wondering why i wandered in here *vomits*

Loving the way everyone is referring to 'this guy I know' hmmmmm

Lux23 · 19-10-2008 3:35pm

taidghbaby wrote: »

you say that as if theres something wrong with him?

I just come across that way, I am sure he is lovely.

Sir Gallagher · 19-10-2008 3:38pm

Lux23 wrote: »

Aren't you very kind. Are you some sort of bodily fluids freak?

I heard a similar one about a girl pooing on some guys chest but it was planned!:p

I draw the line at ponys!

Captain Slow IRL · 19-10-2008 3:47pm

With a girl one night, long story short, she had hairy nipples - hairier than mine! I've picked hairs out of my mouth before after sexual encounters, but never that far north!

Lux23 · 19-10-2008 3:49pm

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

With a girl one night, long story short, she had hairy nipples - hairier than mine! I've picked hairs out of my mouth before after sexual encounters, but never that far north!

Was it stubbly? Big long black hairs? More details.

AlmightyCushion · 19-10-2008 3:52pm

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

With a girl one night, long story short, she had hairy nipples - hairier than mine! I've picked hairs out of my mouth before after sexual encounters, but never that far north!

Did she have an adams apple?

Captain Slow IRL · 19-10-2008 3:53pm

Long, pube-like, hairs all around the nipple.

Before that, I never knew women could have hair up there!

EDIT - @ AC, she didn't - she was fookin sexy! (still is!)

Vain · 19-10-2008 3:58pm

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

With a girl one night, long story short, she had hairy nipples - hairier than mine! I've picked hairs out of my mouth before after sexual encounters, but never that far north!

Pics or gtfo

Captain Slow IRL · 19-10-2008 4:01pm

Vain wrote: »

Pics or gtfo

Mine or hers?!

19-10-2008 4:01pm

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

Long, pube-like, hairs all around the nipple.

Before that, I never knew women could have hair up there!

EDIT - @ AC, she didn't - she was fookin sexy! (still is!)

they don't

Vain · 19-10-2008 4:02pm

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

Mine or hers?!

Both :pac:

Quality · 19-10-2008 4:02pm

Best story for me, happened many years ago..

A friend of mine was seeing this bloke, anyhow she was in his house one sunday morning, (he still lived at home). She was getting oral off him, but he was chewing gum, the gum got stuck in her pubes... they couldnt find a scissors to cut it out, so they had to use a carving knife!!!

The worst thing about it was, she stayed for dinner that day, and they had a roast for dinner!!!:eek:

What a lovely family dinner!!!!

ottostreet · 19-10-2008 4:04pm

haven't had any bad experiences. im actually really good at sex. i have it down to 20 seconds.

Captain Slow IRL · 19-10-2008 4:04pm

Deleted User wrote: »

they don't

They do!! I have the mental scars to prove it

Vain · 19-10-2008 4:04pm

Quality wrote: »

Best story for me, happened many years ago..

A friend of mine was seeing this bloke, anyhow she was in his house one sunday morning, (he still lived at home). She was getting oral off him, but he was chewing gum, the gum got stuck in her pubes... they couldnt find a scissors to cut it out, so they had to use a carving knife!!!

The worst thing about it was, she stayed for dinner that day, and they had a roast for dinner!!!:eek:

What a lovely family dinner!!!!

Sure it all ends up in the same place in the end anyway..:p

19-10-2008 4:05pm

Quality wrote: »

Best story for me, happened many years ago..

A friend of mine was seeing this bloke, anyhow she was in his house one sunday morning, (he still lived at home). She was getting oral off him, but he was chewing gum, the gum got stuck in her pubes... they couldnt find a scissors to cut it out, so they had to use a carving knife!!!

The worst thing about it was, she stayed for dinner that day, and they had a roast for dinner!!!:eek:

What a lovely family dinner!!!!

Sick lol!

Nearly there now quality

Lux23 · 19-10-2008 4:05pm

Deleted User wrote: »

they don't

Well some clearly do or else he wouldn't have got a mouth full of hair.

Vain · 19-10-2008 4:06pm

ottostreet wrote: »

haven't had any bad experiences. im actually really good at sex. i have it down to 20 seconds.

Wait till the first time you have sex with a women now it will be 5 seconds. You are the master.;)

19-10-2008 4:07pm

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

They do!! I have the mental scars to prove it

LOL -I have heard about one other person with the hairy nipple syndrome (don't ask how i know) and she is actually very sexy

Wonder is it the same girl!

Sir Gallagher · 19-10-2008 4:11pm

"This bloke i know" was doing the bold thing doggystyle with his girlfriend a couple of months ago, while it was happening it slipped out, problem was her hand was down in that region too and when it slipped out she scraped the top of his cock with her nail, there was blood and nearly tears.

19-10-2008 4:14pm

Sir Gallagher wrote: »

"This bloke i know" was doing the bold thing doggystyle with his girlfriend a couple of months ago, while it was happening it slipped out, problem was her hand was down in that region too and when it slipped out she scraped the top of his cock with her nail, there was blood and nearly tears.

:eek: :eek:

There are acceptable times to cry!

DaraDali · 19-10-2008 4:31pm

Was going out with this girl a while back and we were on the couch just kissin and messin around,,, So my hand wondered down to finger about... per say!

all of a sudden the front door opens and it gave us enough time to compose ourselfs anyways her dad comes in and says Oh this is (My name) glad to meet ya,,, I thought after wards wat hand i used to shake his hand,,, Lol

Worst sexual experience

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