Caught my girlfriend kissing another guy

LegacyUser

Okay I'll try keep this short and simple but I'll probably ramble a bit if you don't mind.

Need some honest opinions please.

I've been seeing my girlfriend for 8 months and everything has been great for the whole time.

On Saturday night we went out as she was meeting up with a bunch friends to meet some old uni friend. I didn't arrive until later by which point she was quite merry and although greeting me like a girlfriend would i.e hug and kiss and so on, she seemed a little less interested and wanted to spend time with her friends.

After a few minutes in that particular bar we moved to a nightclub. As a group we were all drinking, standing, dancing at the edge of the dancefloor. Some friend of hers who I had never met before had obvious intentions and when I asked another friend who he was, the guy told me he was harmless and was just a friend. So I let it slide.

They were constantly dancing and she was a little drunk. Eventually they disappeared and I went off to find them. So them kissing. Then made my way over and simple told her I'm off home. We spoke, and she came home with me. We spent all day Sunday sitting down watching tv and speaking on occassion about the night before.

She basically said it was a drunken mistake. But she had drunkenly told me in the club that she didn't know where we were going and that someone asked if she could ever see herself marrying me. Now for a start, we've only been together 8 months.

I've told her to go away and think about what she wants etc, and take her time. I know it's been 8 months but I really think I love this girl and can't imagine life without her.

My problem is, i'm hurt that she cheated on me but hurt more when she said she couldn't see anything longterm. So if she decides to give us a go, I now have to deal with the fact she cheated on me.

I basically don't know how to feel as I've never been in this situation before.

Any sensible advice?!

Wibbs

IMHO? Well you could write it off as a drunken mistake etc, but she did this practically in front of you which makes it worse. Drunk or not she knew what she was doing I suspect. I would also more than suspect that she's thinking of newer pastures. She's had the talk with herself(and usually her mates) about "where this is going" a bit before she mentioned it to you that's for sure. Ironically you not dumping her over this is more likely to make her back off even more.

She's in "confused" mode at the moment. She's fond of you, you've been together for a time, but she's having doubts, maybe more than doubts and it came out this way. She didn't want the confrontation of to be upfront so this was her way of "telling" you. Maybe she hasn't made the final decision yet but it's coming and TBH I think you're gonna get the shíte end of the stick.

I'd follow your own advice and leave her off on her own. Don't be surprised if she keeps going.

Baird

From an impartial observer i honestly have no clue how you are handling this the way you are.
She cheated on you in front of your face, so you brought her home and spent the entire
next day watching tv with her?
No offence but it sounds to me like she did this as she knew there would be no
consequences and its pretty obvious there wont be.
You are being treated like complete crap and you are taking it, stand up for yourself and get rid of her.

Unregistered1

Unregistered1 wrote: »

I basically don't know how to feel as I've never been in this situation before.

Any sensible advice?!

8 months in?
Get out of there and find someone else.
You are writing a charter for being walked over.

Energizeer

Dude, you should get rid of her. That's just plain not on imo.
There's too many signs that ye won't work out, you might as well just write off the last 8 months and move on.

c - 13

Could it be possible she's looking for a way out of the relationship but doesn't want to be the one that has to do the dumping ? (I've considered this in a bad relationship previously, maybe not quite to that extent though).

She knew you were there that night and still went off with the guy ? Seems suspect to me. Has she apologised even ?

Wagon

Time to wave goodbye to the woman. Cheating in front of you is low and your remaining unbelievably calm about this whole situation. I'm kind of impressed actually! You don't love her mate, you shouldn't after this. Let her go and find some tosser. Time to pack it in and meet a good woman instead of a confused girl.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO? Well you could write it off as a drunken mistake etc, but she did this practically in front of you which makes it worse. Drunk or not she knew what she was doing I suspect. I would also more than suspect that she's thinking of newer pastures. She's had the talk with herself(and usually her mates) about "where this is going" a bit before she mentioned it to you that's for sure. Ironically you not dumping her over this is more likely to make her back off even more.

She's in "confused" mode at the moment. She's fond of you, you've been together for a time, but she's having doubts, maybe more than doubts and it came out this way. She didn't want the confrontation of to be upfront so this was her way of "telling" you. Maybe she hasn't made the final decision yet but it's coming and TBH I think you're gonna get the shíte end of the stick.

I'd follow your own advice and leave her off on her own. Don't be surprised if she keeps going.

Thanks for the advice. Maybe you're right about the whole she didn't want to confront the situation and this was her way of telling me. I could probably forgive the drunken kiss had she told me about it if I wasn't there but the fact that I was there and found them at it was more hurtful. And she does have a habit of not talking openly to me on serious issues.

I should add that I'm meeting her tomorrow night to have a chat and to see if she's come up with any sort of clear plans as to what she wants. Or at least give her the chance to let me know how she feels as I basically did the majority of the talking on Sunday while she listened. Plus, she was very hungover so don't think she felt too much like talking.

I should add maybe (and I'm hoping this isn't a factor), but her parents got divorced when she was around 12. Could this have some implications along the lines

LegacyUser

I spoke to her on the phone last night after she had gone home and she was apologetic and she said herself that she can't believe how calm I am about the whole situation and letting her come back with me and stay the next day. To be honest, I'm surprised myself.

My only defence to that was that if I didn't, then I would have to go home alone and think about the fact that she would probably still be in the club with that guy. At least this way, I knew where she was and could try and talk to her the next day about it. And plus, I really care about this girl, I didn't want her trekking off to the other side of the city with her friends and this guy.

Mr. Incognito

She wants to breadk up with you but doesn't have the guts to do it so she kissed a guy in front of you.

Instead of growing a pair and kicking her to the kerb you put up with it and she's only hanging around now cos she feels guilty.

Get rid of this immature muppet.

LegacyUser

It's difficult but you have to come to accept your girlfriend is not a very nice or decent person. Certainly not somebody you should be with. My advice is to give her the cold shoulder...permanently. She's just not worth it. Completely unacceptable and a childish and silly thing for anyone to do. Get rid of her, now.

lee_arama

Dump her, and make sure everyone knows why. Make her feel really really small and miserable. The satisfaction this delivers in the short-term will mask the emotional pain until you can get over it all.

You both sound like you're 19-20? Plenty more fish in the proverbial.

With your new free single life, hit the gym, and workout like a mofo. Then hook up with some hot hockey chick from Trinners or UCC. All gravy from there on out laddie.

LegacyUser

lee_arama wrote: »

Dump her, and make sure everyone knows why. Make her feel really really small and miserable. The satisfaction this delivers in the short-term will mask the emotional pain until you can get over it all.

You both sound like you're 19-20? Plenty more fish in the proverbial.

With your new free single life, hit the gym, and workout like a mofo. Then hook up with some hot hockey chick from Trinners or UCC. All gravy from there on out laddie.

We're 26 and 25.

Sounds like a of you are saying I should dump her. Is this honestly what people think? I think I should at least hear her side of the story. I'm going to take a lot or what's said here in considering for tomorrow night.

Vegeta

Wow your self esteem must be non existent. She cheated on you in front of your face man, heavens sake that's about as disrespectful as one can be.

Now you may be a rare breed that doesn't actually mind your other half having sex/kissing other guys but I'll operate on the assumption you are not ok with that type of behaviour.

Can you really love a girl with absolutely no respect for you??

Break up and move on. If you don't you deserve her. If it were me I'd ring her, tell her its over and never speak to her again as its not worth having someone like that in your life

Baird

Unregistered1 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. Maybe you're right about the whole she didn't want to confront the situation and this was her way of telling me. I could probably forgive the drunken kiss had she told me about it if I wasn't there but the fact that I was there and found them at it was more hurtful. And she does have a habit of not talking openly to me on serious issues.

I should add that I'm meeting her tomorrow night to have a chat and to see if she's come up with any sort of clear plans as to what she wants. Or at least give her the chance to let me know how she feels as I basically did the majority of the talking on Sunday while she listened. Plus, she was very hungover so don't think she felt too much like talking.

I should add maybe (and I'm hoping this isn't a factor), but her parents got divorced when she was around 12. Could this have some implications along the lines

Seriously mate you need to grow a pair.
You are being a serious doormat here.
Do you honestly think someone will respect you when they can treat you like
**** but you come running back for more?
If she had any feelings for you at all she would have apologised for the entire
next day, instead she sat there and said nothing.

JDLK

Run....Run .....RUN!!!!!! Away from this woman as fast as your little legs can carry you

If you take her back not only will you be pissed off the next time she does it (and she will) but you will also hate yourself for being the sap that took her back

Either chalk it up to experience or prepare to flush your self respect, dignity and self esteem very slowly and painfully down the toilet

Karen_*

OP I really feel for you. I think we get sometimes see red flags at the beginning or shortly into a new relationship and most of us ignore them. We then go on to get dreadfully hurt by the sort of behaviour we caught glimpses of. And we wish we'd taken notice of those red flags. I think you should take notice of them now and get out of there. This is where she is at and kissing someone else in the vicinity of your boyfriend is a deal breaker. Be good to yourself and leave.

Marksie

Unregistered wrote: »

We're 26 and 25.

Sounds like a of you are saying I should dump her. Is this honestly what people think? I think I should at least hear her side of the story. I'm going to take a lot or what's said here in considering for tomorrow night.

In the end it boils down to what you want to do. If you would feel it most important to listen to what she has to say then do so, you can make an informed choice based on what you have read here and what she says.

Karen_* wrote: »

OP I really feel for you. I think we get sometimes see red flags at the beginning or shortly into a new relationship and most of us ignore them. We then go on to get dreadfully hurt by the sort of behaviour we caught glimpses of. And we wish we'd taken notice of those red flags. I think you should take notice of them now and get out of there. This is where she is at and kissing someone else in the vicinity of your boyfriend is a deal breaker. Be good to yourself and leave.

Now whether you decide to leave based on Karen_* advice is up to you. But its very good advice indeed on red flags. Don't go looking for them, but don't hide from them.
I was there recently watching red flags appear, then the big one was waved.
In the end, if you need to understand why then ask, if you think that just ending it is sufficient then do so. But in the latter instance do not try to think what was going in her head..those are her issues and you will only end up wrecking it. All you can do is look at what triggers may have been in your behaviour, for that is what you are responsible for.

lee_arama

I'm telling ya man - dump her and don't be the least bit subtle about it. If you'd been the villain in this scenario she'd have done far worse to you...

LegacyUser

I hear what you are saying. But before I decide if I should break up with her I really need to hear her side of things and try read her eyes to see if what she is saying is the truth.

I'm meeting her tomorrow with the intention of breaking up, unless she can convince me otherwise. Although how she'll do that I don't know.

I know she cares a lot for me and I've told her that I think she means more to me than I do to her. To which she never responded and gave me a 'you're right' look.

This is eating me up inside! I'm in work and can't concentrate on anything at the minute. She means so much to me and has helped make me a better person in so many ways.

My problem is I've generally had low self esteem from poor confidence etc but since meeting her I had been feeling like the best thing since sliced bread. I realize that if I take her back, my self respect and dignity will always be questioned but I have to at least hear what he has to say.

I let the breakdown of my last relationship get to me and suffered minor depression from it and I'm determined not to let this pan out the same way. However, my problem is, it's not like I didn't hook up with anyone when I was single, it's a case of I never seemed to meet the right people that I got on with until her. I don't think I could face another 3 years of single life until I meet someone else.

lee_arama

Dude - just hit some pub, get wasted, end up in bed with someone/thing.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

In the end it boils down to what you want to do. If you would feel it most important to listen to what she has to say then do so, you can make an informed choice based on what you have read here and what she says.



Now whether you decide to leave based on Karen_* advice is up to you. But its very good advice indeed on red flags. Don't go looking for them, but don't hide from them.
I was there recently watching red flags appear, then the big one was waved.
In the end, if you need to understand why then ask, if you think that just ending it is sufficient then do so. But in the latter instance do not try to think what was going in her head..those are her issues and you will only end up wrecking it. All you can do is look at what triggers may have been in your behaviour, for that is what you are responsible for.

Thanks for the advice. To be honest this came totally out of the blue. We've been getting on great over the last few weeks. And there has been nothing on my part to warrant such behaviour.

RossFixxxed

Buddy I've been there. The confidence boost is amazing etc, however, you will just become a doormat. The fact that you were there is even more disrespectful. And from my experience cheaters do not change. Get out now, take the confidence with you. Ditch her with your head held high. Accept no big dramatic tear filled apologies.

My 0.02c

r

Marksie

Unregistered1 wrote: »

I don't think I could face another 3 years of single life until I meet someone else.

Well you know thats entirely up to you actually. Its a differnt issues. But be careful in "hearing what she says" to stay with her because of the above.
Thats would be deluding yourself and dragging your esteem lower down.

Life is about experience..chalk this up to it and learn.
I am fairly sure now that given your last post, what the triggers were (but of course may be wrong ).

All the above post is putting her on a pedestal and they can be very rocky indeed. You have pinned who you are on her.
As for the you mean more to me than etc. depends where thats coming from...if its the acceptance that people can feel differently for each other in differnt ways and times fair enough. But i guess it may have put the expectations that she had to feel the same.

Things like this are rarely one way and i am not going to blame or exuse any behaviour.
But for yourself..look at what is actually going on rather than what you percieve is going on

c - 13

Unregistered1 wrote: »

I hear what you are saying. But before I decide if I should break up with her I really need to hear her side of things and try read her eyes to see if what she is saying is the truth.

I'm meeting her tomorrow with the intention of breaking up, unless she can convince me otherwise. Although how she'll do that I don't know.

I know she cares a lot for me and I've told her that I think she means more to me than I do to her. To which she never responded and gave me a 'you're right' look.

This is eating me up inside! I'm in work and can't concentrate on anything at the minute. She means so much to me and has helped make me a better person in so many ways.

My problem is I've generally had low self esteem from poor confidence etc but since meeting her I had been feeling like the best thing since sliced bread. I realize that if I take her back, my self respect and dignity will always be questioned but I have to at least hear what he has to say.

I let the breakdown of my last relationship get to me and suffered minor depression from it and I'm determined not to let this pan out the same way. However, my problem is, it's not like I didn't hook up with anyone when I was single, it's a case of I never seemed to meet the right people that I got on with until her. I don't think I could face another 3 years of single life until I meet someone else.

Don't think of it like this. Its this "I'll make do becasue I don't want to be alone" attitude that keeps people in bad relationships.

Best of luck with whatever you do decide to do man, but be forewarned that if you do decide to take her back chances are high she'll do the same again.

Baird

Unregistered1 wrote: »

I know she cares a lot for me and I've told her that I think she means more to me than I do to her. To which she never responded and gave me a 'you're right' look.

I think thats pretty obvious from her actions alone, you really didnt need to ask her that.

This is eating me up inside! I'm in work and can't concentrate on anything at the minute. She means so much to me and has helped make me a better person in so many ways.

The next girl will make you an even better person by not making a fool of you and treating you like crap

I let the breakdown of my last relationship get to me and suffered minor depression from it and I'm determined not to let this pan out the same way. However, my problem is, it's not like I didn't hook up with anyone when I was single, it's a case of I never seemed to meet the right people that I got on with until her. I don't think I could face another 3 years of single life until I meet someone else.

If you stay with her for that reason you will become more depressed than you ever could from being single.

Mr. Incognito

I hear what you are saying. But before I decide if I should break up with her I really need to hear her side of things and try read her eyes to see if what she is saying is the truth.

I'm meeting her tomorrow with the intention of breaking up, unless she can convince me otherwise. Although how she'll do that I don't know.

I know she cares a lot for me and I've told her that I think she means more to me than I do to her. To which she never responded and gave me a 'you're right' look.

Dude, she obviously doesn't give a flying fluck about you. Do you really want to be with someone that feels this way.

This is eating me up inside! I'm in work and can't concentrate on anything at the minute. She means so much to me and has helped make me a better person in so many ways.

My problem is I've generally had low self esteem from poor confidence etc but since meeting her I had been feeling like the best thing since sliced bread. I realize that if I take her back, my self respect and dignity will always be questioned but I have to at least hear what he has to say.

I let the breakdown of my last relationship get to me and suffered minor depression from it and I'm determined not to let this pan out the same way. However, my problem is, it's not like I didn't hook up with anyone when I was single, it's a case of I never seemed to meet the right people that I got on with until her. I don't think I could face another 3 years of single life until I meet someone else.

Your self esteem is going to take more a bashing being with dsomeone who obviously doesn't care for you.

I don't even see why are you meeting her. It's only going to be you looking for an apology and a reason to not break up with her. She'll give some half hearted apology and that will see you satisfied.

You're already making excuses for her with the parents etc.

As for your previous relationship you seem to have a habit of people that treat you poorly. Don't be one of them.

Cut ALL contact with this girl. You're young. You WILL find someone else.

ven0m

As someone who was in your position (it happened to me on my birthday of all days with the person I was seeing) & I too let it slide. Then it happened again with someone else (thankfully not on my birthday again), but the second time round I had the balls to say "there's the door, do one".

Letting people disrespect you like that or play to your good nature when they've done something as horrible as that is writing your own ticket for becoming a doormat.

You might be feeling it now buddy, but someone doing that on you a second time will hurt a heck of alot more if it happens, & I can tell you that from personal experience. There's no such thing as 'a drunken mistake', & it should never wash as an excuse for ANY behaviour.

if people can't handle their drink, they shouldn't drink or should moderate it better. being boozed up to the tits is only ever going to lower inhibitions of what people would do anyway.

Oh, & I too have a history of poor relationships where I let people use me as doormats, my esteem went through the floor, & I pretty much had a breakdown when it all came crashing down. Best thing that ever happened to me was having that breakdown & seeing how I let people treat me, & then understanding that I was worth a hell of alot more than people 'I was supposed to love & who were supposed to love me'. Letting yourself be a doormat is not love, & you can't love someone else if you can't love yourself unconditionally; warts & all.

run, run as fast as you can & don't look back.

Karen_*

Unregistered1 wrote: »

I


My problem is I've generally had low self esteem from poor confidence etc but since meeting her I had been feeling like the best thing since sliced bread. I realize that if I take her back, my self respect and dignity will always be questioned but I have to at least hear what he has to say.

OP your self esteem has to come from within you. Don't make the mistake of drawing it from someone else because you'll take a fall. You still will be the best thing since sliced bread if you have that belief in yourself. Granted if you let this relationship go you will feel some pain but your self worth comes from you. She is not in control of you, you are.

I let the breakdown of my last relationship get to me and suffered minor depression from it and I'm determined not to let this pan out the same way. However, my problem is, it's not like I didn't hook up with anyone when I was single, it's a case of I never seemed to meet the right people that I got on with until her. I don't think I could face another 3 years of single life until I meet someone else.

Don't settle for this treatment because you're afraid you won't meet anyone else! Where's the new-found self esteem you said you've found?

Well you definately won't meet someone great when you're over in Miss 'I'm not sure about you so I have to kiss someone in front of you's' house.

kmick

I am being vague here but I think you know the answer yourself. It will happen again sooner or later so make the break now.

Irishcrx

If I caught some bloke kissing my other half in front of me, I'd be doing more than having a word with either of them. Complete lack of respect for you mate, tell her to get lost.