When Love turns to Hate

LegacyUser · 09-10-2008 8:22am #1

Hey Guys,

I realise this may sound very cruel and harsh but I need to be honest and I'd appreciate honest advice/critisism also.

I think I hate my boyfriend.

We have been together for a year and the first six months were great. I thought he was sexy, funny, kind, loyal, intelligent, all the things I look for in a guy. Now I find him unbearable. He repulses me. We haven't had sex in about 8 weeks cause whenever he comes near me, I tell him to stop.

He thinks he's hilarious and while I agree he's a funny guy, he is not as funny as he thinks he is. He is never serious about anything, he turns everything into a joke which I find irritating. We'll have an argument about something serious and he'll just make jokes about it that are not funny. He's always telling me how he 'cracks the office' up. Hmmm...sure.

I hate his clothes, he dresses like a D4 idiot. Shirst tucked into jeans etc. I told him I wouldn't be seen in public with him dressed like that cause it's embarassing so when he's out with me he dresses how I like him to dress. However, when he goes out with his mates, he reverts back to dressing like a knob.

I actually think I hate him at this stage and I knwo you're probably thinking well, break up with him then and I have, several times. I have sat him down and told him -

1) I'm not attracted to you anymore.

2) I don't respcet you cause when I say jump you say how high, be your own person and stand up to me.

3) You are not as funny as you think you are.

4) We are not compatible.

5) I don't love you.

It seems the meaner I am to him, the more he loves me. I actually wrote a thread here a while back called 'I bully my boyfriend' but I don't know how to find it.

I try to end it and he begs me so hard to take him back that I give in. Often it's only cause I'm horny though and he's the easy option.

How does love turn to hate so quickly and how do I stop being such a bitch to him?
Why do men want you more when you're unavailable and mean to them? Th eguys you say I love you too run a mile!

Thanks.

Karen_* · 09-10-2008 8:45am

I don't think you hate him, hates a very strong word. You just strongly don't want to be with him anymore and he's bringing out the worst in you. When I say bringing out the worst in you I mean he's bringing out whats already there and not that he's making you into something you're not. So if you can treat people like crap instead of just letting them go then you need to ask yourself why. It shows a lack of respect for yourself and for others. And you do that all by yourself. no one makes you.

Try harder to break it off with him. Its possible. And ask yourself why you have to bully someone into making a simple decision for you. Is it cowardice?

I'm not having a go here by the way, I'm capable myself of not saying things straight and expecting the other person to get it by my mood or demeanor. Let him go he sounds like a nice chap but one lacking confidence and esteem. And you're not helping at all. And when he IS gone you'll still be left with the issue of being a bully and it will rear its head again.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2008 8:51am

Karen_* wrote: »

I don't think you hate him, hates a very strong word. You just strongly don't want to be with him anymore and he's bringing out the worst in you. When I say bringing out the worst in you I mean he's bringing out whats already there and not that he's making you into something you're not. So if you can treat people like crap instead of just letting them go then you need to ask yourself why. It shows a lack of respect for yourself and for others. And you do that all by yourself. no one makes you.

Try harder to break it off with him. Its possible. And ask yourself why you have to bully someone into making a simple decision for you. Is it cowardice?

I'm not having a go here by the way, I'm capable myself of not saying things straight and expecting the other person to get it by my mood or demeanor. Let him go he sounds like a nice chap but one lacking confidence and esteem. And you're not helping at all. And when he IS gone you'll still be left with the issue of being a bully and it will rear its head again.

Thanks Karen. The thing is, I am not a bully to anybody else, only to him. I was with a guy for 3 years and we were really happy. I have never treated anyone so bdaly. He just keeps taking it and then I lose respect for him. The more respcet I lose for him, the more he repulses me. I hate weak men and he is weak.

miss_shadow · 09-10-2008 8:56am

your a bully, just because your a so called woman doesnt mean you have to do this to him
i am appalled you think its comedic or humor

your also wasting alot of his time by loving you, BREAK UP and find some tracksuit wearing, potty mouthed just out of jail type that fits your bill

wtf do you need advice for

Burial · 09-10-2008 9:07am

wrote:

I try to end it and he begs me so hard to take him back that I give in. Often it's only cause I'm horny though and he's the easy option.

Listen you sound clearly unhappy with him. Break-up with him. He's not going to change into someone else. He'll always be himself. The only way your messages will get through to him, will be if he loses you and realises why you left him. Staying with him, only re-afferms his belief that what he's doing is the right way to get and stay with you.

BAM! · 09-10-2008 9:15am

Just be straight with him- tell him you don't want to be with him. If he begs you, don't use him as an easy option for sex and don't give in. Just walk away.

Hopefully he will learn that he's better off without you in his life and find someone who appreciates him for what he is. Some people just don't gel well together and there is no excuse for staying in a relationship where they are constantly being put down and disrespected.

Gone Drinking · 09-10-2008 9:16am

"I tell him not to dress like that, he doesn't stand up for himself".

I dunno, you sound like the arsehole to be honest..

If you don't like him, leave him.. stop being such a twat about it.

Anti · 09-10-2008 9:19am

OP he is best shot of someone like you. How dare you dictate the way someone dresses?

Macha · 09-10-2008 9:19am

Sounds like you need to be cruel to be kind. Break up with him and stop taking him back. He deserves someone who loves him for who he is.

Parts of your post really stand and show how contemptuous you are of him. And scorning/looking down on/being contemptuous of your partner is not healthy - in fact it's one of the strongest indicators that a relationship will not last. Relationships need a few things - honesty, happiness, etc and respect is one of the most important.

So you need to stop being weak by taking him back. He is clearly too much in love with you to bring himself to break up with you, even though deep down he may know it's for the best. You hold the power in this situation and so it is up to you to do the right thing. He will probably look back in a few years and thank you.

dr.bollocko · 09-10-2008 9:28am

Whoah. Get the hell out of that relationship.
And maybe work on this contempt in the future when choosing your next partner.

Karen_* · 09-10-2008 9:46am

Unlovingyou wrote: »

Thanks Karen. The thing is, I am not a bully to anybody else, only to him. I was with a guy for 3 years and we were really happy. I have never treated anyone so bdaly. He just keeps taking it and then I lose respect for him. The more respcet I lose for him, the more he repulses me. I hate weak men and he is weak.

Well I stand by what I say about him not making you something you weren't already. And you're not a bad person but he's bringing out your worst. You did it once and you can do it again.

He might be weak but he's trapped in an abusive relationship getting his self esteem eroded. And you're weaker still because you're not ending it. You ARE abusing this person and doing huge damage. Its stomach turning stuff. He can't suddenly become strong and assertive under those conditions OP. Seriously, have a heart and let him go.

You know if you apply logic to the situation then you aren't going to go from bully and tormentor into lovely person in your next relationship. Well maybe as long as you're happy but the second unhappiness creeps in then this is what you'll become. Unless you sort it out. I think whether you're happy or unhappy you should treat people as you'd like to be treated. Or try to. None of us are perfect. If you were him then what would you like to happen since the option of you being mad about him and making it work isn't going to happen.

Irishcrx · 09-10-2008 9:48am

My god, to be honest OP I would have dropped you a long time ago. You have no right to tell this guy what to wear or how to act, cop on to yuorself and tell the chap.

I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU

Done, over with , surely there'll be another girl out there who might appreciate his easy going attitude and you can find someone more suited to you who you can bully or they can bully you.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2008 9:52am

Irishcrx wrote: »

My god, to be honest OP I would have dropped you a long time ago. You have no right to tell this guy what to wear or how to act, cop on to yuorself and tell the chap.

I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU

Done, over with , surely there'll be another girl out there who might appreciate his easy going attitude and you can find someone more suited to you who you can bully or they can bully you.

I have told him that and it makes him want me more. He does the whole...I'll do anything, I love you rountine. I may be a bully to him but it's only because he lets me. I will break up with later and I gaurantee he'll be in tears and I'll stand there thinking less and less of him.

Why do men look up to bitches and walk all over nice girls?

qt9ukbg60ivjrn · 09-10-2008 10:01am

Unlovingyou wrote: »

Shirst tucked into jeans etc.

how annoying!!!

christ you are a ho-tel

you've got what seems like a great guy who maybe makes jokes a bit too much, you sit him down and abuse him, break up with him, and when your weak character breaks cause you need to get your rocks off you go back and start it all over again

living isn't made for people like you:pac:

my advice to you is break up and stay broke up

Marksie · 09-10-2008 10:04am

Miss Shadow: You made your point, no need for over the top posting like that. Don't do it again

Marksie · 09-10-2008 10:08am

Unlovingyou wrote: »

Thanks Karen. The thing is, I am not a bully to anybody else, only to him. I was with a guy for 3 years and we were really happy. I have never treated anyone so bdaly. He just keeps taking it and then I lose respect for him. The more respcet I lose for him, the more he repulses me. I hate weak men and he is weak.

You know this is all your issue. Walk.
But i bet you this: if he dumped you, you would be running after him.

There are many forms of bullying and this is one of them.

its often said that we hate in others what we hate in ourselves.

However, looking at your own behaviour is for the future.

Do the decent thing, leave him and stay single until you sort yourself out.

Karen_* · 09-10-2008 10:08am

Unlovingyou wrote: »

I have told him that and it makes him want me more. He does the whole...I'll do anything, I love you rountine. I may be a bully to him but it's only because he lets me. I will break up with later and I gaurantee he'll be in tears and I'll stand there thinking less and less of him.

Ah you're on a power trip OP. He lets you be a bully so therefore its his fault? And you were never a bully? Well you are now! A bona fida one and not a pretendy one. Does you pull his strings or does he pull yours? Who's weak?

tbh · 09-10-2008 10:17am

you hate him because you can't love him. It would be pointless to break up with him if you love him, you don't love him, you want to be free from the relationship, but he won't "let" you, so all the tiny little things that you wouldn't think twice about if you were happy are now magnified by your frustration. After you break up with him, you'll look back and think "ah, he wasn't too bad".

The one thing I'll say this. You say that he'll just do whatever you say, and that you've no respect for him, so how come you want to break up with him and can't? How does he re-attach himself? You are obviously changing your mind, or answering his calls or both. So, what does that say about you? You don't seem to be as strong as you think. You're horny? Pfff. Is he the only guy you can get? Don't you have fingers? Cop on.

tell him it's over, and mean it. If he's upset or whatever, he'll get over it.

edit: by the way, I don't judge you for a second for not wanting to be with this guy. It happens. Statistically, you're very likely to be on the other side of the table one of these days, with a guy you adore treating you like you are treating this guy. Bear this situation in mind when that happens, and bear that situation in mind now.

Irishcrx · 09-10-2008 10:21am

"Why do men look up to bitches and walk all over nice girls?"

The same reason why women look up to bastards and walk all over the nice guys.

Wibbs · 09-10-2008 10:22am

TBH while I think the OP is well out of order and sounds like she's power tripping on this guy(for reasons that I suspect would make for a more useful PI thread, but anyhoo..), I actually blame him.

He's basically a weak boy, not a man and I'm just sorry he's not the one posting here. She's told him she thinks he's a fool and she doesn't love him and she backs this up with actions and what does he do? He sits there and takes it.

I'm sorry, he's had a ballsectomy for some reason. One of his male mates needs to take him aside and point out a few truths. 1) his "girlfriend" is clearly an immature bully, but he's allowing her and indeed encouraging her to be so. Now she's bullying him alright, but his responses have escalated this. If he had told her to sod off up front, she wouldn't have continued to push and most likely would have jumped him on the spot. Her immaturity comes from exploiting this weakness in him for her own reasons. 2) the reason she's not boning him anymore and has no desire to, is because she's lost any respect for him. Simple formula for women regarding men in situations like this, No respect=No hornyiness. 3) Get some self respect, grow a pair and frankly be a bloody man about this and leave her. Then start doing what he needs to to build up in his personality and his life. I weep for my gender at times I really do.:rolleyes:

To the OP I would say, he likely won't leave so you have to be the one to grow a pair, stop being a child about pushing his buttons and leave him.

dr.bollocko · 09-10-2008 10:26am

I would say that the OP seems to need the guy a helluva lot more than he needs her. It's fairly pathetic really, to try and bully someone into leaving you, when you haven't got the balls to walk away yourself. All you are doing is trying to assert your freedom by saying things like "you hate weakness" when it is in fact you who are weak because you are seeing someone you have no respect for and have not managed to break up with him.

Marksie · 09-10-2008 10:26am

Yep Wibbs thats the other side of the coin as well. He is facilitating her behaviour with his behaviour. There is a point where open acceptance of another and having DOORMAT stamped across your head is reached.

Its obvious the OP though will not make the break as she is enjoying her contempt/hatred trip too much. It would be an entirely different PI if he had left her i guess

b3t4 · 09-10-2008 10:27am

Unlovingyou wrote: »

I may be a bully to him but it's only because he lets me.

Cop on to yourself. Just because someone lets you do something doesn't mean it gives you the go ahead to do it. You use common decency and know not to behave in such a way. You loved him once right? Now, start acting like he's a human being and not your play thing.

Why are you wasting his and your time? I mean really? Do you think real love comes walking along while your in a mess of a 'relationship'? Get out of the relationship and get your head straight.

A.

dr.bollocko · 09-10-2008 10:28am

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH while I think the OP is well out of order and sounds like she's power tripping on this guy(for reasons that I suspect would make for a more useful PI thread, but anyhoo..), I actually blame him.

He's basically a weak boy, not a man and I'm just sorry he's not the one posting here. She's told him she thinks he's a fool and she doesn't love him and she backs this up with actions and what does he do? He sits there and takes it.

I'm sorry, he's had a ballsectomy for some reason. One of his male mates needs to take him aside and point out a few truths. 1) his "girlfriend" is clearly an immature bully, but he's allowing her and indeed encouraging her to be so. Now she's bullying him alright, but his responses have escalated this. If he had told her to sod off up front, she wouldn't have continued to push and most likely would have jumped him on the spot. Her immaturity comes from exploiting this weakness in him for her own reasons. 2) the reason she's not boning him anymore and has no desire to, is because she's lost any respect for him. Simple formula for women regarding men in situations like this, No respect=No hornyiness. 3) Get some self respect, grow a pair and frankly be a bloody man about this and leave her. Then start doing what he needs to to build up in his personality and his life. I weep for my gender at times I really do.:rolleyes:

To the OP I would say, he likely won't leave so you have to be the one to grow a pair, stop being a child about pushing his buttons and leave him.

Fair point right, but how do you have that conversation with your mate?
"You know that girl you love is a total bitch?"
I just dont see how you could word that without that being end of friendship.
Plus he might even be happy....
It takes all sorts.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2008 10:36am

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH while I think the OP is well out of order and sounds like she's power tripping on this guy(for reasons that I suspect would make for a more useful PI thread, but anyhoo..), I actually blame him.

He's basically a weak boy, not a man and I'm just sorry he's not the one posting here. She's told him she thinks he's a fool and she doesn't love him and she backs this up with actions and what does he do? He sits there and takes it.

I'm sorry, he's had a ballsectomy for some reason. One of his male mates needs to take him aside and point out a few truths. 1) his "girlfriend" is clearly an immature bully, but he's allowing her and indeed encouraging her to be so. Now she's bullying him alright, but his responses have escalated this. If he had told her to sod off up front, she wouldn't have continued to push and most likely would have jumped him on the spot. Her immaturity comes from exploiting this weakness in him for her own reasons. 2) the reason she's not boning him anymore and has no desire to, is because she's lost any respect for him. Simple formula for women regarding men in situations like this, No respect=No hornyiness. 3) Get some self respect, grow a pair and frankly be a bloody man about this and leave her. Then start doing what he needs to to build up in his personality and his life. I weep for my gender at times I really do.:rolleyes:

To the OP I would say, he likely won't leave so you have to be the one to grow a pair, stop being a child about pushing his buttons and leave him.

Thank you so much for seeing where I'm coming from. I know I sound like a bitch and I know that in this instance I am being a bitch but usually I'm not. I don't like who I have become around him. He brings out the worst traits in me, traits I never even knew I had. I can't believe how horrible I am to him and if I'm brutally honest, it's borderline sadistic. When he's acting liek a little weak boy, crying cause I said I'm leaving him, I almost hate him and enjoy seeing him so upset.

I have been in bad relationships and I know the appeal of teh bad boy. I just didn't realise until now that it's the same for men. Men love bitches.

And you are spot on about the sex....no respect - no way am I sleeping with you. You are pathetic - pathetic is not sexy. Stand up to me and tell me I'm a bitch and I'll s*ck your dick all night. Fact!!!!!

Wibbs · 09-10-2008 10:43am

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Fair point right, but how do you have that conversation with your mate?
"You know that girl you love is a total bitch?"
I just dont see how you could word that without that being end of friendship.
Plus he might even be happy....
It takes all sorts.

If he's a friend that wouldn't be the end of the friendship IMHO. Sometimes your actual friends need to give you the unvarnished truth. I would start by not mentioning her at all. It's not her that's really at issue if he was my mate, it's him that needs the metaphorical slap.

I would start by telling him, "you know you're acting like a blithering idiot". That will get a reaction out of him hopefully(if not then I would rethink a friendship with him as personally I couldn't trust someone that weak, unless they were clinically depressed, which is possible of course). When he calmed down and I picked myself up off the floor, I would then go on to ask him what he thought he was getting out of a non sexual relationship with a harpy who doesn't respect him? Simple question, it should get a simple answer. I would then go on to tell him I would support him i he needed to get this out, that he has mates who love him etc. And even if he continued with her, when his balls finally dropped and he left her, we his mates would be waiting for him. Straightforward enough.

Irishcrx · 09-10-2008 10:50am

I had something similar before, was seeing a girl for a few months got way too attached , she started walking all over me and I usually wouldn't have any of it, copped on to myself told her to get lost , without going into a big story about it I ended up punching the guy she cheated on me with and was seeing and poured a can of beer over her, 3 days later guess who's begging me to take her back????...sence- I think not.

Wibbs · 09-10-2008 10:55am

Unlovingyou wrote: »

Thank you so much for seeing where I'm coming from.

Oh I see where you're coming from alright. I certainly don't condone it though.

I know I sound like a bitch and I know that in this instance I am being a bitch but usually I'm not.

Yep you are being one to this guy. No mistake there.

I don't like who I have become around him. He brings out the worst traits in me, traits I never even knew I had. I can't believe how horrible I am to him and if I'm brutally honest, it's borderline sadistic. When he's acting liek a little weak boy, crying cause I said I'm leaving him, I almost hate him and enjoy seeing him so upset.

Hey I could be wrong but I suspect you've been on the receiving end of this kinda thing before. There's also the whole power trip thing going on. There is a sorta pack mentality to people that rounds on the weak in a group. It's most obvious in school and it does diminish with age in most, but it's there. Every office has a bully and a person or people they focus on.

This is entirely in your hands. You can stop this now. If you say you can't, then effectively you're saying you're a daft eejit who is not in control of her emotions and the actions that spring from them. There's no other excuse or explanation really. So are you a daft emotionally incontinent eejit who can't control herself? The answer and outcome is in your hands

I have been in bad relationships and I know the appeal of teh bad boy. I just didn't realise until now that it's the same for men. Men love bitches.

Nope men love women, boys love bitches.

And you are spot on about the sex....no respect - no way am I sleeping with you. You are pathetic - pathetic is not sexy. Stand up to me and tell me I'm a bitch and I'll s*ck your dick all night. Fact!!!!!

Respect that a woman has for a man is directly proportional to how attractive she finds him IMHO. Now there can be extremes in that too. I suspect you're at more the extreme end. Hence your bad boys in the past. Both you and your hopefully soon to be ex, need to look inside yourselves equally.

shellyboo · 09-10-2008 11:10am

I've been in the OP's position before - I was with a guy for a few years, and towards the end I couldn't speak a civil word to him. I was horrible on all occasions, and it wasn't until our friends began to joke about him being "whipped" and me being a bitch that I realised it.

I ended it shortly afterwards, luckily we both agreed that the relationship was beyond saving. I behaved appallingly towards this guy, and I'm still ashamed of it. It's made me hugely aware that I have a dark side and that I need to keep a handle on it. I've been with a few guys since and it's never been an issue.

So, I totally empathise with the OP. While it's her behaviour that's wrong, 100% wrong, it is down to an incompatibilty between her and her partner. Some people bring out your bad qualities, and while it IS a cop-out to say you treat someone they way they let you treat them, there is a certain degree of truth in it. The only thing you can do is make a clean break and do your level best not to let it happen again.

Instead of telling him all the things about HIM that make you want to break up, explain to him that you don't like who you are when you're with him. Don't make the breakup about him, as he'll think 'I can change, I'll do whatever it takes'... present it as a non-negotiable thing. Reassure him that he's better off without you - because with your behaviour, he is.

JackieO · 09-10-2008 11:22am

Hi OP

I think some of the posters here have been very hard on you.

Its very easy for a relationship to turn sour like this and inevitably one party ends up losing interest in the other. As you have pointed out your Bf''s desperation is turning you off even more.

However, things haven't been going wrong for that long of a time frame - maybe only 2 or 3 months. And I know it can take a while to initiate a break-up as you want to be sure you are doing the right thing.

However, I think you have now definately reached that stage. Its time to break up with him for good - no matter how much he begs. You are obviously weak-willed when you are giving in to his begging, because you say the begging is turning you off even more. You need to do both yourself and him a favour and end it. And you are doing him a favour in the long run. He does not deserve to be with someone who dispises him so much.

The breaking up part is always difficult, but don't be a coward about it. This relationship is going nowhere.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn · 09-10-2008 11:23am

Unlovingyou wrote: »

And you are spot on about the sex....no respect - no way am I sleeping with you. You are pathetic - pathetic is not sexy. Stand up to me and tell me I'm a bitch and I'll s*ck your dick all night. Fact!!!!!

thats freakie naughty;)

Marksie · 09-10-2008 11:28am

sternbut fair: infracted, off topic posting

event · 09-10-2008 11:51am

Unlovingyou wrote: »

We haven't had sex in about 8 weeks cause whenever he comes near me, I tell him to stop.

Unlovingyou wrote:

I try to end it and he begs me so hard to take him back that I give in. Often it's only cause I'm horny though and he's the easy option.

so which is it?

either you sleep with him or dont?

Celtic67 · 09-10-2008 12:04pm

I have been in bad relationships and I know the appeal of teh bad boy. I just didn't realise until now that it's the same for men. Men love bitches.

And you are spot on about the sex....no respect - no way am I sleeping with you. You are pathetic - pathetic is not sexy. Stand up to me and tell me I'm a bitch and I'll s*ck your dick all night. Fact!!!!!

OP you decribe him as weak and pathetic but that is how you are coming across, not being able to leave him and wanting him to stand up to you. Obviously I dont know the ins and outs but you come across as a bit of a d**k.

If you want to leave just leave and dont look back. He does indeed sound weak and pathetic to put up with such bull from you but his self-confidence must be exremeley low. Does he not have any friends who can tell him to cop on?
It seems to me that you need a Caveman to come home to every night who will give you a few slaps and drag you kicking and screaming into the bedroom.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2008 12:20pm

Celtic67 wrote: »

I have been in bad relationships and I know the appeal of teh bad boy. I just didn't realise until now that it's the same for men. Men love bitches.

And you are spot on about the sex....no respect - no way am I sleeping with you. You are pathetic - pathetic is not sexy. Stand up to me and tell me I'm a bitch and I'll s*ck your dick all night. Fact!!!!!

OP you decribe him as weak and pathetic but that is how you are coming across, not being able to leave him and wanting him to stand up to you. Obviously I dont know the ins and outs but you come across as a bit of a d**k.

If you want to leave just leave and dont look back. He does indeed sound weak and pathetic to put up with such bull from you but his self-confidence must be exremeley low. Does he not have any friends who can tell him to cop on?
It seems to me that you need a Caveman to come home to every night who will give you a few slaps and drag you kicking and screaming into the bedroom.

A few slaps? Yeah, I'm looking for a few slaps. I just want a guy who isn't a pushover. I don't want an abusive guy. You sound a bit like a caveman.

I said we haven't have sex in 8 weeks and we haven't. I have tried to break up with him over the past few months and have gotten back with him due to horniness. Tonight though I will end it and I won't go back.

marti101 · 09-10-2008 12:48pm

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH while I think the OP is well out of order and sounds like she's power tripping on this guy(for reasons that I suspect would make for a more useful PI thread, but anyhoo..), I actually blame him.

He's basically a weak boy, not a man and I'm just sorry he's not the one posting here. She's told him she thinks he's a fool and she doesn't love him and she backs this up with actions and what does he do? He sits there and takes it.

I'm sorry, he's had a ballsectomy for some reason. One of his male mates needs to take him aside and point out a few truths. 1) his "girlfriend" is clearly an immature bully, but he's allowing her and indeed encouraging her to be so. Now she's bullying him alright, but his responses have escalated this. If he had told her to sod off up front, she wouldn't have continued to push and most likely would have jumped him on the spot. Her immaturity comes from exploiting this weakness in him for her own reasons. 2) the reason she's not boning him anymore and has no desire to, is because she's lost any respect for him. Simple formula for women regarding men in situations like this, No respect=No hornyiness. 3) Get some self respect, grow a pair and frankly be a bloody man about this and leave her. Then start doing what he needs to to build up in his personality and his life. I weep for my gender at times I really do.:rolleyes:

To the OP I would say, he likely won't leave so you have to be the one to grow a pair, stop being a child about pushing his buttons and leave him.

Im sorry but im going to have to disagree it is an abusive relationship ans its absolutley not his fault.Its all her if this was a man doing this you wouldnt be blaming the gf.LOook OP what dgoes around comes around get it togethetr and end it cause he has to little self esteem to do it.You have this guy feeling worthless and thinking nobody will have him,whereas there probably a lot of women who would give their eyeteeth to have him.OP you must be getting something from this otherwise you wouldnt keep doing it and for some unknown reason this guy loves you.Also you do you think you are putting someone down for the way they dress,im sure there has been plenty of times you looked like a knob and he didnt say anything.Find yourself somebody who you love and leave this guy alone.

Marksie · 09-10-2008 1:01pm

OP:Your response to celtic 67 is interesting in terms of defensivness. So thats is something to look at, where its coming from.

MagicMarker · 09-10-2008 1:07pm

OP, the fact of the matter is, you're just not a very nice person, you're a coward and you yourself are weak willed.

You say your boyfriend is pathetic in how he takes all your crap. I'm sorry, but you're even more pathetic by not having the balls to actually leave him and NOT GO BACK.

I feel sorry for you, look at what you're doing! For the last 6 months you've been with a guy who you actually hate. How desperate are you for the attention of a man? Most people would have left by now and no succumbed to emotional blackmail, which should really push you further away.

The fact that you come here seeking some form of validation is even more pathetic. You know what you have to do, why don't you log off and go do it? Or are you so scared that if you do actually leave him you'll miss him?

dan_d · 09-10-2008 1:35pm

In an odd way I do know where you're coming from. And to be honest, a lot of people tell their other halves how they'd like them to dress.Some to an extreme point, some just suggestive, but BOTH men and women, so there's no point giving out about that.
From what you're saying, you are contemptuous of him, which is not a good way to be, because it's a destructive relationship for both of you. Whether it's your fault or his is not an issue now.But there is one very important point to consider...dumping him full time may be the kindest thing you can do for him.What I mean by that is, it may actually make him grow a back bone, and be a person in his next relationship and not a pawn.He sounds like he has some serious confidence issues, and if you flat out dump him, refuse completely to speak to him even, he (may) be forced to take a look at himself, and start thinking about himself as a person. Maybe I'm being too hopeful but to be honest, you don't really lose by dumping him coz you obviously don't want to be in the relationship.
But there's something else to think about too...maybe it's more your problem than his.Are you focusing on the stuff that you don't like, or that embarrasses you too much? Maybe he's not that bad a guy, and you're focusing entirely on little faults?
Either way, you should get out because it's not doing either of you any good.You know the old cliche...you've got be cruel to be kind.

banquo · 09-10-2008 1:42pm

you are a horrible person.

he probably thinks at this stage that he needs to get SOMETHING out of the year he's wasted with you so that's why he keeps going back. if you had any dignity you'd have broken up with him ages ago.
you sound like a pissy little bitch that's spoiled and needs to seriously cop on and grow up.

rob aaron and michelle

Karen_* · 09-10-2008 1:45pm

marti101 wrote: »

Im sorry but im going to have to disagree it is an abusive relationship ans its absolutley not his fault.Its all her if this was a man doing this you wouldnt be blaming the gf..

Agreed. If it was a woman in the abusive relationship would we be telling her to grow a set? You'd be amazed with what people will put up with when they've been worn down enough. Even physical abuse. Shocking eh?

tbh · 09-10-2008 1:46pm

I know where the OP is coming from as well because i was in the same-ish boat. Going out with a very decent girl I didn't want to be going out with. The thoughts are formed because you know yourself the guy is a good guy, and the only way you can square the way you feel is to look for their bad points. I broke up with the girl and it was very hard on both of us - she too asked me not to and said she'd change etc. The thing is, I knew I had to be strong - yes she thought i was a prick at the time but I'm sure she's glad now. So, OP, break up with the guy, if he makes you feel like ****, deal with it, but don't back down. That's whats going wrong here.

Gyalist · 09-10-2008 3:08pm

OP, I completely understand your position even though i cannot support your behaviour.

You may think that you hate him but you don't. If you really hated him he wouldn't evoke such strong passions in you. You would more likely be completely apathetic towards him, but as it is you are very angry with him because he is, most likely, not the person you assumed him to be at the start of the relationship. You have some residual attraction to him though, because you are still trying to mould him into the man that you would like him to be.

You have to be strong and breakup with him. He isn't going to change. You are clearly attracted to dominant men (not the same as domineering men) and he isn't one. You can't make a man become dominant - he either is, or isn't. Be honest with him as to the reasons for the breakup. It will seem cruel now but it may make him reassess his approach to women.

Wagon · 09-10-2008 3:45pm

I can understand where your coming from. But I'm also reading between the lines (or at least trying to) and reversing the situation.

If it was a case of him standing up to you, wearing his own clothes, doing his own thing, cracking the jokes and not taking any bullying would this thread not be starting with "My boyfriend is a bastard who has no respect for me"?

There's no excuse for your behavour. Bullying someone because you can is low. You are enjoying bullying him as well, if you wearn't then you would have broken up with him long ago. Simple as that. I reckin the chap has been hearing this abuse for so long now that he might have started believing it and thinks he won't find someone else if he loses you because he isn't good enough. Also, he might not be this person at all really, but along with changing into the clothes you make him wear you could make him into the person you want him to be. Which is a voodoo doll. Just a thought

Or he's an idiot who enjoys this treatment (in that case he needs to grow some balls), but i can't see how any man would think like that.

I agree with everything you've said (especially you being a bitch) but it's time to open your feckin eyes a bit here and realise that your hatred is the reason you keep taking him back, so you can make him suffer more. Time to bring it to a close.

Wibbs · 09-10-2008 4:32pm

Karen_* wrote: »

Agreed. If it was a woman in the abusive relationship would we be telling her to grow a set?

Actually I would. I would tell her to cop the hell on, look, really look at the "relationship" and see how it's not helping her grow and she should up sticks and leave. In essence grow a pair. If she stayed and continued to complain I would suggest that it's plugging in to some part of her that thinks she deserves this treatment, so she contrarily feels "safe" in it. I would then tell her that she has my support when she finally sees what this is doing to her and I'll be there for her when she decides to come out the other side. Exactly the same sentiment I would have with a male friend. In general I may put it in a different way to a woman than to a man. Of course it depends on the individual, but honestly the same basic advice would apply.

You'd be amazed with what people will put up with when they've been worn down enough. Even physical abuse. Shocking eh?

I agree. IMHO I think there are differences between the genders in this, though maybe it's not fashionable to say such. Obviously it's a big generalisation, but in my experience men stay in abusive relationships for different reasons. Or at least the same reasons, insecurity and inexperience, come out in different ways. Women are more likely to internalise their emotional issues. They're more likely to self harm, either obviously or in the context of abusive relationships than men. Men tend to externalise their emotional issues and lash out. Obviously this is a major generalisation and there is the other side of the coin with higher suicide rates among young men, but in general I would say that's the case again IMvHO.

I would also say that there are far more women in abusive relationships(mental and especially physical) than men. I would also contend that more women go from one bully to the next. The characters change but the script remains.

Being the object of bullying, being the "weak" one that stands for the bullying lays more in the hands of the bullied than men or women will often acknowledge. More to the point they have more power to change that behaviour in themselves, than they think they have. Far more. They think they're powerless, no one will love them the way the bully does etc etc. They're simply wrong, though how the individual arrives at that conclusion differs with the individual. Some never do sadly.

I personally feel that all too often we(and I've been guilty of this myself) actually plug more into the victim complex by being overly sympathetic, or by being sympathetic for longer than we should be. In essence, it's all too easy to fall into treating the person as a powerless victim almost as much as the bully does. That's basically my point. Sympathy and support is bloody imprtant, but we also should bolster the very real power the bullied has at their disposal. If we don't I guarantee they're likely to continue the process or repeat it with the next person.

OK that of course is just my take on it and as such is what it is, but I would still say to the OP's boyfriend, he needs to grow a pair and realise this is not the way he should allow himself to be treated and he alone has the power to change that. The day he does find that in himself will be the day that the OP may realise she has lost someone worthwhile. Because it'll be the day he realises for himself that he is a worthwhile person.

SpookyDoll · 09-10-2008 4:58pm

OP, you need to stop blaming your BF for how badly you are treating him.
The issue here is you are subjecting him to mental and emotional abuse and enjoying it, that is despicable.

Take personal responsibility and grow up, your argument that its his fault you treat him like sh1t is so wrong its embarassing.

You are on here showing off (under the guise of some fatuous dilemma) that you can abuse someone who loves you and they take it, thinking you are great.

You are not great, your attitude just shows that you are emotionally underdeveloped and narcissistic. So transparent as well.

This is nothing to show off about, its something you should be embarassed and ashamed about.

You are treating him like ****, YOU.
This is YOUR fault, not his.
Take responsibility for your own shameful actions.

Its not big and its not clever......ANYONE can do what you are doing...anyone.....people just dont choose to because its weak, pathetic and nasty.

Be a decent person, let him go and concentrate on growing up.

TheZohanS · 09-10-2008 8:25pm

Unlovingyou wrote: »

Why do men look up to bitches and walk all over nice girls?

You have it wrong there OP, only weak men look up to bitches.

Real men put them in their place and if that doesn't work they dump their sorry ass.

Sounds like you have some personal issues that you need to get sorted. The way you are treating this guy is not normal, you should seek professional help.

A normal person would just break up under these circumstances, end of.

davyjose · 09-10-2008 8:45pm

Unlovingyou wrote: »

I know that in this instance I am being a bitch but usually I'm not.

Yeah well, anybody can be nice some of the time. sorry, but any admission of bullying leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

As for being weak... eh, excuse me, who is the one too weak to dump someone they hate?

PurpleLily · 09-10-2008 8:56pm

Sorry but you are toxic and if you don't finish it with this guy for good you'll end up destroying him. And I agree that you should seek some professional help.

She Devil · 09-10-2008 10:11pm

OP, leave that guy go, and let someone who deserves his kind gentle nature appreciate him. He will be upset but he will get over it and in his next relationship with someone who appreciates the way he is, he will realise that he is better off.

JJJJNR · 09-10-2008 10:43pm

You are a text book bully, I doubt you have "never" done this before, what type of relationship did you and your mum have with your dad.

you will push this guy and in turn he will become something he's not, when he does make this transition you will blame him for treating you badly.

You are in a position of power and are using your spell over him, but it is you who will ultimately pay the price..

When Love turns to Hate

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