Daughter being bullied - please help

LegacyUser

I'm hoping some of you out here can understand and help me please. My daughter is 11 and is a good child, very polite, quiet, (too quiet i think), and is being bullied at school. she's in 6th class. The bullying is not overt, rather its very much about being ostracized from the group.
Im at a loss of what to do as i was very bullied myself at school so the whole stand up for yourself talk is just that, a talk.I neither believe it or understand it.By the way I've invited so many of the class to parties, sleepovers, playdates etc. over the last8 yrs, I'm worn out. She's never been invited to theirs tho and i'm starting to get a little bit pissed off. My husband, her dad is just like me,a little bit shy.By the way I'd just like to say that our younger daughter is party a minute babe. Have we passed on our bad traits to our older daughter?

John Mason

You might look at the parenting forum, there are actually a few threads about bully over there already. Here's the link
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=251

tbh

hard as it is, she won't be around these kids forever. You have a choice of either trying to teach her to integrate a bit more (change her) or show her how to deal with just being herself (empower her). IMO, anyway.

jim o doom

Only thing I can suggest is find a good martial arts instructor and let her do classes; not to defend herself, but to build up some self confidence - I'm in a class & a girl joined us a while back, amazingly quiet young school age girl, she has gone up a few belts and has started developing self confidence about herself which is great, so when you ask her a question now, your more likely to get an answer and a smile instead of a scared squeak! Possibly not a good suggestion, but it's all I can think of!

Drummerboy2

I think the most important thing to do is build up your duaghter's confidence. Tell her how important she is and explain to her that she will eventually meet really nice people and she will be liked for who she is.

Zillah

If this is what people are calling bullying these days then things have changed in the last decade. People, even children, have a right to choose their friends. Its not fair to call it bullying if they don't want her there. You can't force them to be her friend.

Try find some other avenues, sports/music/clubs whatever, stuff outside of the school where she can meet some other people. This will help her confidence too.

Plus, its not that big a deal. Next year she'll be going to secondary school and meeting a whole load of new people. Help her build up her confidence more and she'll make new friends.

The kids at school who don't play her don't owe you anything, I think its ridiculous to call it bullying.

Nevyn

Ostracization and exclusion is how girls will bully, bulling does not need to be physical.
Repeatedly excluding a child and telling them that they are not wanted and no one wants to be their friend and play with them will destroy the child's self estmee and colour all their social interactions with their peers. Esp when girls are at that pubescent pre-teen stage.

I would say you need to make sure to build up her confidence in other ways and make sure she has a social life outside of school.

Zillah

Thaedydal wrote: »

Ostracization and exclusion is how girls will bully, bulling does not need to be physical.
Repeatedly excluding a child and telling them that they are not wanted and no one wants to be their friend and play with them will destroy the child's self estmee

Well the original post didn't specify really. Is it a case of them not spending time with her, or do they make constant horrible comments to her? The former I think is perfectly ok (if unfortunate for your daughter), the latter would be a form of bullying.

Either way, I think we can all agree that a social life outside school is a good idea, as is trying to build up her confidence.

carlybabe1

I can relate OP and I sympathise, I definately think extra activities will do her confidence wonders. Smaller groups of children dont seem to have cliques, so what about something like gymnastics/acting&singing classes/camogie? I know it can be expensive and though the other kids in these kinds of clubs might not be in her class that can be better, as her confidence will increase. If she is shy and quiet id especially recommend the acting classes as it can encourage kids to really come out of thier shell...
I think that parents out to teach thier kids how to treat others, all kids have the potential to be very unkind, but I reckon they ought they asked how it would make them feel, and they ought to be encouraged to think about that. I think that the whole "thats just how kids are" is a cop out and lazy parenting imo
Hope any of this helps op, let us know how she gets on

LegacyUser

"Well the original post didn't specify really. Is it a case of them not spending time with her, or do they make constant horrible comments to her? "

How can this be ok? A 12 year old girl would not know many (or any) people her own age outside school so to be rejected by those who she actually knows must be very demoralising. I would question how the whole class feel this way, Normally it would be just the leaders who feel this way and others follow them.

I think the martial arts idea is a good one.

aye

jim o doom wrote: »

Only thing I can suggest is find a good martial arts instructor and let her do classes; not to defend herself, but to build up some self confidence - I'm in a class & a girl joined us a while back, amazingly quiet young school age girl, she has gone up a few belts and has started developing self confidence about herself which is great, so when you ask her a question now, your more likely to get an answer and a smile instead of a scared squeak! Possibly not a good suggestion, but it's all I can think of!

+1

it doesnt have to be martial arts, but some type of group activity. hockey, swimming, football.
would she go to scouts? does that still go on?

group activity will help her build her confidence and meet new friends.
she mighnt want to go, but my mum used to force me and my sis to go, and it was worth it.

Macha

aye wrote: »

+1

it doesnt have to be martial arts, but some type of group activity. hockey, swimming, football.
would she go to scouts? does that still go on?

group activity will help her build her confidence and meet new friends.
she mighnt want to go, but my mum used to force me and my sis to go, and it was worth it.

Yeah, plus it will give her a new group of friends to concentrate on.

LegacyUser

Would agree with the other posters who have suggested that she take up some sports and activities outside of school.

Wished I had when I was that age.

I think it's a matter of making her a strong person and not dependent on other people who don't sound worth it. And from what I've heard, martial arts are a great way to instill confidence and discipline.

I would consider myself fairly shy and never came out of my shell til my late 20s - what did that was finding things I loved doing and through which I have met loads of nice people.

It was only when I became my own person that I found I cared less about what others thought about me.

Obviously it's difficult at that age to understand and it's horrible being left out but the more social outlets she has the less she'll care about her class mates. Plus, she'll be going to secondary shcool next year which will open up new opportunities to her.

I wish my parents had given me a bit more of the "be your own person" chats when younger rather than "fit in".

CavanGal

This bullying in its modern devious form! Its so hard to detect and report. I mean a teacher cant force children to play together. I was bullied like this and knowing that no one wants to be your friend can be crippling to a child's confidence. So I agree with the above suggestions to get her involved in after school activities. I did swmming and it really boosted my confidence.

If its any consolation when I went to secondary school and college I had loads of friends and am now well able to stand up for myself. I honestly believe that being bullied makes a person stronger.

Good Luck!

plasmaguy

Sounds like your daughter might be a bit introverted...encourage her to come out of herself a bit more, especially around home...let her break some rules, become more confident, establish her own persona..by the sounds of it she takes things too seriously and may not want to break out of her shell for fear of the consequences...definately encourage her to talk more by asking her questions....

She may also feel the younger daughter gets all the attention, so maybe help the elder one do what she wants to do, if she wants to visit some place, then bring her, rather than ruling it out immediately.

Anyways, it's not the end of the world not to be invited to other people's parties, sometimes it's even a blessing! And there are much more serious forms of bullying such as physical bullying which is probably the worst kind.

elle

I agree you should work on building your daughters confidence but I would strongly advise you to mention it to a teacher. Especially if she is in a situation where it is a local school and she will be going to the local secondary school, as there a strong possibility she will be with this same group for the next 6 yrs. I teach second level but I know that there is a zero tolerance towards any form of bullying, and emotional is taken as seriously if not more so than physical in many cases. You don't have to go in all guns blazing but I would definitely say it to her teacher, even if it's just a phone call, the teacher will appreciate it being brought to her attention. She/He can then at least keep an eye on things and take action to stop it. Joining sports teams or any sort of extra curricular groups will also be a great help to your daughter. As for the party sleepover thing I would just stop inviting them, funk that like it's always the case that one parent does all the work and others don't reciprocate. Save yourself and your daughter the effort and money and bring her out for her birthday instead, these other kids are just out for what they can get. Good luck, hope it gets sorted!

CavanGal

I heard before that mental and emotional bullying has a much harsher long term effact on people than physical. Sure isnt the majority of bullying nowadays psychological?

RentDayBlues

Bullying like this atually has much worse effects than physical bullying. Scars on the inside are harder to heal. You just need to give your daughter the confidence to be her own person - I know at 12 your world revolves around school and friends and it seems like there is nothing else out there, but if you encourage her to take up some extra activities and make new friends this will help her so much.

Girls are the worst for bullying so I sympathise with your daughter, but she has a good chance of coming out of this the better person because she has a mum who recognises what is happening and is prepared to help her. Well done to you

LegacyUser

aye wrote: »

+1

it doesnt have to be martial arts, but some type of group activity. hockey, swimming, football.
would she go to scouts? does that still go on?

group activity will help her build her confidence and meet new friends.
she mighnt want to go, but my mum used to force me and my sis to go, and it was worth it.

+2
As well as speaking to her teacher, I would definitely recommend you get her involved in some kind of sport/club.
I've seen first hand the difference it makes to kids. Their confidence levels soar when they're involved with something outside school. It's also a great opportunity for her to meet other girls from other schools and make new friends.

Zillah

some_advice wrote: »

"Well the original post didn't specify really. Is it a case of them not spending time with her, or do they make constant horrible comments to her? "

How can this be ok? A 12 year old girl would not know many (or any) people her own age outside school so to be rejected by those who she actually knows must be very demoralising. I would question how the whole class feel this way, Normally it would be just the leaders who feel this way and others follow them.

I think the martial arts idea is a good one.

In your original post you asked "Have we passed on our bad traits to our older daughter?"

I'm thinking yes, you're teaching her to think like a victim. If you honestly think there is some sort of conspiracy against her run by a few individuals then talk to her teachers/principal, otherwise stop focusing on these jerks and focus on your daughter. Might it actually just be that she's quiet and unsociable and therefore has no friends? In which case, as has been said, help her. Don't blame the other kids.

dixiefly

Zillah wrote: »

If this is what people are calling bullying these days then things have changed in the last decade. People, even children, have a right to choose their friends. Its not fair to call it bullying if they don't want her there. You can't force them to be her friend.

Try find some other avenues, sports/music/clubs whatever, stuff outside of the school where she can meet some other people. This will help her confidence too.

Plus, its not that big a deal. Next year she'll be going to secondary school and meeting a whole load of new people. Help her build up her confidence more and she'll make new friends.

The kids at school who don't play her don't owe you anything, I think its ridiculous to call it bullying.

I'd like to say first of all that this is an unhelpful and inaccurate post. The OP was not saying that the lack of invitations were what was constituting the bullying.

We had a similar situation with our eldest daughter. At one stage we reckoned it was bullying as there was one girl in particular targeting her in small ways. Unfortunately she was also very quiet and did not mix easily. She was shy and self conscious when other girls wouldsay hello when we would meet on the stree etc. When I would drop her to school I would notice that she did not go to any group but generally walked around the playground on her own. The problem stemmed from when she was split from her friends at the time around 2nd or 3rd class and the others were in school buildings / playground across the road.
Our next girl is more outgoing, has more friends and when a split took place that excluded her from her friends we were much quicker to react.

We had the situation where we invited a lot to the parties and no invitations in return. I can feel your pain.

Overall, you have got good advice here and I dont have much to add except to say that her friends dont necessarily have to be school ones now or in the coming years. My daughter in question is now very good friends with the daughter of friends of ours who is in a class a couple of years below and is also close to her first cousin who lives locally. Building up relationships with them has helped her in building up "relationship" confidence. She is now friendly with more girls in her class including the girl that had been on to her a bit. I am reluctant to go into more detail here but may PM you later as the situations seem similar.
I often said to my daughter that she will meet different people over the years and in a few years time these girls wont matter to her but it is hard to get away from the here and now.

Zillah

dixiefly wrote: »

I'd like to say first of all that this is an unhelpful and inaccurate post. The OP was not saying that the lack of invitations were what was constituting the bullying.

In fairness, all we've been told is that other children don't want to spend time with her. She said nothing about name calling, demeaning comments or anything like that.

Like I said, if it is a case where they're telling her no one likes her and no one wants to be her friend then yes, its bullying and its horrible. In which case there is NO REASON at all to be trying to convince these people to spend time with her because they're clearly being dicks.

But if its simply a case of her not having any friends because she's quiet and shy then convincing her that its everyone else's fault and that she's a victim is an awful thing to do and it will only make her social life worse.

We want to give her confidence to break out of this pattern, not excuses to stay in it, right?

MagicMarker

Err... i think i went to 2 birthday parties as a child and i never had one myself.. I was never bulled.

I think you're over reacting tbh.

Karen_*

Zillah wrote: »

In your original post you asked "Have we passed on our bad traits to our older daughter?"

I'm thinking yes, you're teaching her to think like a victim. If you honestly think there is some sort of conspiracy against her run by a few individuals then talk to her teachers/principal, otherwise stop focusing on these jerks and focus on your daughter. Might it actually just be that she's quiet and unsociable and therefore has no friends? In which case, as has been said, help her. Don't blame the other kids.

Bullying can come in many forms. One of them being exclusion. Now I'm sure the OP's daughter notices that everyone else is being invited to parties but she isn't. Is that supposed to roll off the child like water off a ducks back?

Plenty of negative vibes can be omitted without a word being said. If it was your child would you not be bothered about it?

Zillah

I never said it was nice, but if its purely a matter of other children not wanting to play with her, or even just not noticing her, then no, its not bullying. I refuse to accept that we should call a person a bully if they choose to not socialise with someone.

Karen_* wrote:

If it was your child would you not be bothered about it?

Yes, of course. I'd focus on helping her find friends who like her and help build up her confidence rather than demonising the kids who didn't invite her to their parties.

I certainly wouldn't try to convince her that she's a victim.

Lillyella

MagicMarker wrote: »

Err... i think i went to 2 birthday parties as a child and i never had one myself.. I was never bulled.

I think you're over reacting tbh.

I'm pretty sure that the issue is more deep rooted than not being invited to a couple of birthdays and posts like this, serve no purpose.

My 11 year old went through something similar.

We moved back home from the country and she joined the school in 1st Class. Friendships had already been formed in Junior & Senior Infants and so she found it very hard to break into the little gangs.

She spent 2 and half years with no friends and no birthday party invites, despite us always inviting the girls and boys from her class.

What made a huge difference was when she joined the girls GAA football team. There were already girls in the class in it, and the team atmosphere spilled over to school time. She has a closer bond with the girls now and has integrated much better into the class.

I'm not sure if this is an option for you, but bear in mind, she is starting secondary next September. She'll be starting afresh, and making friends who will be friends in her adult life too. What goes down in Junior school shouldn't effect her in Secondary.

Best of luck with it all.

Karen_*

The OP said the child is being ostracized. I sure wouldn't come and post that that was happening to my child if it was simply a matter of him finding it hard to make friends!

There's more to it than a lack of party invitations. Usually ostracizing means exclusion by everyone and its probably socially impossible for anyone to be friends with the child for fear of it happening to them too.

If you had to spend several hours a day with a group of people who did not want to speak to you and who shunned you it wouldn't be very nice would it? Incredibly hurtful even for an adult? And since they would obviously know how their shunning was making you feel then would it be fair to say that to carry on doing it was unkind or cruel even? Sure it would be their perogative but rotten all the same.

LegacyUser

i think you should try invole her more in outside activites like drama were she has a chance to make friends out side of school, or mabey try to get her involved in her local youth club and she how she gets on.. hopefully she will gain some more confidence and bring that with her to secondary school..

plasmaguy

To aid this discussion, it's probably wise to find agreement on what and what doesn't constitute bullying.

Imo bullying occurs when:

1) there is unprovoked force used on someone on one or more occassions

2) when someone is telling lies, making up stories, gossiping, etc about a victim behind their backs...this can have the effect of isolating and turning potential friends against the victim

3) when a person is jealous of the victim and sets out in a single minded manner to make the victims life impossible

4) trying to gain popularity by picking on another person, trying to show you are one of the gang

5) making threats to someone

6) more generally deliberate behaviour, designed to upset, unsettle and/or ostracise someone by any of the behaviours mentioned above.

In the context of the OP, I would say her daughter is being bullied if there is deliberate intent by one or more other children to make her school life difficult and to make her efforts to make friends difficult by telling stories/lies about her. This would definately be bullying.

The OP should try to find out whether other children are deliberately upsetting her child, or if it just happens to be the case that the child isn't invited because of her perceived quietness and lack of social skills. If it's the latter, it's probably not bullying.

LegacyUser

Sadmum wrote: »

I'm hoping some of you out here can understand and help me please. My daughter is 11 and is a good child, very polite, quiet, (too quiet i think), and is being bullied at school. she's in 6th class. The bullying is not overt, rather its very much about being ostracized from the group.

I definately can relate to your problem, I myself was bullied from 3rd Class to 6th Class by quite a few of my classmates. I cannot emphasise enought the benefits of an extra curricular activity outside the "school" status. Ok your daughter may put up a little defence about doing it but encourage her to do it. When she goes into Secondary School, she will have better friends than she already has.

Sadmum wrote: »

By the way I'd just like to say that our younger daughter is party a minute babe.

My sister is a few years younger to me and have to say she is the total opposite of me. I was shy quiet, she was bubbly, loud, looking for the next party. In a way I was somewhat jealous that she "controlled" the crowd, was very outgoing and i couldnt manage a single sentence without being squeeky-voiced. But it passed rather quickly once i went into Secondary School

Talk to her teacher and voice your concerns, perhaps her teacher doesn't realise the full extent of her shyness and perhaps could get her more involved with the class by the means of class/team building techniques.

bnagrrl

Hi there,
Your daughter sounds like me when I was in school; I was very quiet, probably a bit introverted. I did however do sports after school, namely horse riding and swimming. I think this could be a good idea for your daughter as she's bound to meet loads of other children that she can become good friends with. Meeting new kids away from the school environment may help her come out of her shell a bit more. Find out what your daughter is interested in and join a club/group in the area.

I'm 24, haven't kept in touch with anyone from primary or secondary school but I have friends from horse riding and swimming that I've known since I was 4 years old!

LegacyUser

HI, Thanks to all those that posted with advice, about the after hours clubs, we've tried a few of these. Shes stayed the duration (10 weeks ) with the swimming/drama/art
I might try more with music/ martial arts and girl guides, they sound good.
Just to reply to a few comments, to elle, I have reported it to the principal because it was not only ostracization but in fact they were making comments about her. It's gotten to a point where she's the 'uncool person' so that even though individual people in her class might like her, its deemed 'uncool' to talk to her.
I know this because a girl that I'd invited many times to our house presented her with a present (which was given in secret to her in the toilets, and a 'do not tell anyone' label attached!) and only because her mum felt bad because her daughter had been invited to our house so many times and when she tried to invite our daughter she was told 'no I cant invite her...' Thanks to cavangal, rentdayblues, dixiefly, karen* and the rest for all your informative comments. I hope to build her self esteem, and BTW I tell her I love her every day.

Karen_*

I was wondering about the other mothers Sadmum because my son doesn't like a boy in school and yet he's always invited to his party so I make sure the boy is always invited to my sons. I'm glad one of them had a bit of decency!

jim o doom

jim o doom wrote: »

Only thing I can suggest is find a good martial arts instructor and let her do classes; not to defend herself, but to build up some self confidence - I'm in a class & a girl joined us a while back, amazingly quiet young school age girl, she has gone up a few belts and has started developing self confidence about herself which is great, so when you ask her a question now, your more likely to get an answer and a smile instead of a scared squeak! Possibly not a good suggestion, but it's all I can think of!

I think this is a brilliant idea, I was very very shy and bullied at school, I joined a Kenpo club (outside of my local area) and I could not be a more confident person than I am now.

Karen_*

I don't know if this is any help to you Sadmum but there used to be a boy in my sons school who no-one spoke to. The poor fella used to walk around the yard picking up stone and examining them just to look as if he was doing something. It was uncool to play with him. And there were quite a few comments made to him too. (quite how anyone can say this isn't bullying I don't know'. He used to go home and sob to his mum and as you can imagine she was absolutely up the wall. She gave up work and everything.

It went on for a couple of years and then he got a new teacher. And the teacher called everyone in the class aside one by one. And she talked at length about what was happening to this boy and asking the kids to put themselves into his position and how would they feel? SWhe never accused any of them of anything but appealed to their better nature. And sure enough most of the kids were only acting out of fear anyway.

Things really did change for him after that. It worked. Appealing to their better nature and tugging the heartstrings rather than them getting into trouble. Can you suggest something like that to the school? Maybe not exactly like that but a version of it?

RoosterIllusion

Sadmum wrote: »

I'm hoping some of you out here can understand and help me please. My daughter is 11 and is a good child, very polite, quiet, (too quiet i think), and is being bullied at school. she's in 6th class. The bullying is not overt, rather its very much about being ostracized from the group.
Im at a loss of what to do as i was very bullied myself at school so the whole stand up for yourself talk is just that, a talk.I neither believe it or understand it.By the way I've invited so many of the class to parties, sleepovers, playdates etc. over the last8 yrs, I'm worn out. She's never been invited to theirs tho and i'm starting to get a little bit pissed off. My husband, her dad is just like me,a little bit shy.By the way I'd just like to say that our younger daughter is party a minute babe. Have we passed on our bad traits to our older daughter?

I was bullied quite severely in school. You can't force kids to be friends with your daughter though, even if that's what you want.

You just have to put her in more social situations where she can have a better chance of meeting people who like her. Being in a class of eleven year olds is hard enough on a child and feeling left out is a big low point of school in general.

S.L.F

Hi sadmum my niece was being bullied for months on end her parents finally moved her out of the school.

She couldn't be happier now.

That particular bully is still in the school and is still causing trouble.

As to your daughter if it was me I'd move her out of the school in a heart-beat.


To all of you who keep thinking that the OP's daughter needs confidence you are forgetting that bullies tend to target confident people not weak people.

MagicMarker

S.L.F wrote: »

Hi sadmum my niece was being bullied for months on end her parents finally moved her out of the school.

She couldn't be happier now.

That particular bully is still in the school and is still causing trouble.

As to your daughter if it was me I'd move her out of the school in a heart-beat.


To all of you who keep thinking that the OP's daughter needs confidence you are forgetting that bullies tend to target confident people not weak people.

Couldn't disagree more.

S.L.F

I found 3 interesting sites, the first 1 helped me to understand what was going on when I was being bullied a couple of years ago

http://thrulookinglass-backwhen.blogspot.com/2007/02/bullyed-no-more_4284.html

The second one is what this stupid govt of ours should introduce in schools to save lives.

http://www.educationworld.com/a_issues/issues/issues103.shtml

The third one is to help parents deal with their own kids.

http://www.bullyfreekids.com/

I hope these help.

SLF

scary_tractors

Zillah wrote: »

If this is what people are calling bullying these days then things have changed in the last decade. People, even children, have a right to choose their friends. Its not fair to call it bullying if they don't want her there. You can't force them to be her friend.

Try find some other avenues, sports/music/clubs whatever, stuff outside of the school where she can meet some other people. This will help her confidence too.

Plus, its not that big a deal. Next year she'll be going to secondary school and meeting a whole load of new people. Help her build up her confidence more and she'll make new friends.

The kids at school who don't play her don't owe you anything, I think its ridiculous to call it bullying.

No, this comment is ridiculous. The most common form of bullying is psychological - for adults and kids. Girls are particularly vulnerable to being ostracised because they pick up all the subtleties that boys might not get.

This happened to me in school.

Obviously these girls are not very well brought up and their parents are ****s, because there is no way my mother would have allowed me to leave someone out of a party, etc, when I'd been invited to theirs.

Sometimes the best thing to do is have a chat with another parent or the teacher. They might get it or they might not but it's your duty to try.

Talking to the teacher is particularly relevant because any teacher who's taught that age group for long is going to know how this works. Girls of that age are often complete bitches and hunt in packs.

If this isn't productive then I suggest sending her to a drama class or something where she can meet kids from another school and befriend them. It would also help with her confidence. Possibly a different secondary school to the majority would be a good step but that would have to be a joint decision.

S.L.F

MagicMarker wrote: »

Couldn't disagree more.

Obliviously you've never been bullied if you had...........you'd know.

dixiefly

Karen_* wrote: »

I don't know if this is any help to you Sadmum but there used to be a boy in my sons school who no-one spoke to. The poor fella used to walk around the yard picking up stone and examining them just to look as if he was doing something. It was uncool to play with him. And there were quite a few comments made to him too. (quite how anyone can say this isn't bullying I don't know'. He used to go home and sob to his mum and as you can imagine she was absolutely up the wall. She gave up work and everything.

It went on for a couple of years and then he got a new teacher. And the teacher called everyone in the class aside one by one. And she talked at length about what was happening to this boy and asking the kids to put themselves into his position and how would they feel? SWhe never accused any of them of anything but appealed to their better nature. And sure enough most of the kids were only acting out of fear anyway.

Things really did change for him after that. It worked. Appealing to their better nature and tugging the heartstrings rather than them getting into trouble. Can you suggest something like that to the school? Maybe not exactly like that but a version of it?

I think that this is a very interesting post. Can you and your husband arrange for the two of you to meet her teacher AND he principal. You could even bring along a sister/ sister in law for support. Plan what you are going to say and see if they can tactfully deal with this. There are ways and means beyond what is mentioned above to get your daughter drawn into the class. From the description above where there is pressure on other kids to ostracize your daughter then it is safe to assume that the bullying is orchestrated by one or more children.
The teacher should be able to identify some children that would be suitable to get into group activities with your daughter. It may be even necessary to speak to some of the parents of those orchestrating and also parents of other kids. I would say that the teacher/ principal/ previous teachers know who the ringleaders are.

RoosterIllusion wrote: »

I was bullied quite severely in school. You can't force kids to be friends with your daughter though, even if that's what you want.

You just have to put her in more social situations where she can have a better chance of meeting people who like her. Being in a class of eleven year olds is hard enough on a child and feeling left out is a big low point of school in general.

While I agree with the sentiments that you cannot force children to be friends and to increase social interactions I would also say that the exclusion here definitely seems orchestrated and therefore the other children are being bullied/ forced into ignoring Sadmum's child.

dixiefly

Another thought, have you thought about writing a letter to the board of management of the school? It will be treated in confidence and that will put pressure on the principal to do something about it.

the_syco

S.L.F wrote: »

To all of you who keep thinking that the OP's daughter needs confidence you are forgetting that bullies tend to target confident people not weak people.

Sorry, but I disagree. They pick someone they don't like the look of, and that's it. Game over for the victim.

Karen_*'s idea sounds cool. Applying pressure on the school does f**k all, except the pressure gets fed down the vines to the teacher.

From when I was in primary & secondary, the protected children are only protected under protection. Once in the playground, or outside the school gates, the protected becomes the target.

S.L.F

the_syco wrote: »

Game over for the victim.

You should not be posting this type of stuff...

Wibbs

S.L.F wrote: »

You should not be posting this type of stuff...

Duly noted, but from my point of view anyway it comes across turn of phrase, nothing more. Maybe PM a mod or bring it to feedback if you take further issue.

Marksie

Actually: S.L.F comments on bullies picking on strong people is correct. I was surprised myself until i was talking to a lifecoach about it.

S.L.F

Wibbs wrote: »

Duly noted, but from my point of view anyway it comes across turn of phrase, nothing more. Maybe PM a mod or bring it to feedback if you take further issue.

Sorry Wibbs, I really hate it when people give the impression (intentionally or not) that the targets of bullies, "protected children", are weak which they are not.

It is something the OP and everybody who is reading these posts should understand.

All the posts about children trying to become more confident and getting more friends just makes them more of a target to bullies.

Marksie wrote: »

Actually: S.L.F comments on bullies picking on strong people is correct. I was surprised myself until i was talking to a lifecoach about it.

I was surprised myself when I found it out for myself.

I'm a very hard target now.

Nevyn

It depends on what you mean by 'strong' those that are strong willing and dont fall in line with the status quo and with the socail pack mentality and speak thier mind and aren't easily intimidated can be bullied a due to the fact they rock the boat when the popular kids
want thier way.

Cmol

OP - I can totally understand what your daughter is going though, I was badly bullied for my final two years of primary school, when I was 11 & 12, the same sort of thing - name calling, the other kids spreading rumors about me, screaming abuse at me down the street, having the chair pulled out from under me as I was sitting down, refusing to talk to me at lunch times... I would go home in floods of tears to mum and dad - they literally tried everything they could, talking to the parents, talking to the school, nothing helped.... I'm still in two minds about whether that is the right thing to do - it can end up with the child being further picked on for being a 'tattle - tail'. I think it all depends on how the schools go about dealing with it, but I know now at home most of the schools have anti-bullying policies in place (a little late in my case )

As long as your daughter has a strong support system in yourself, your husband and your other daughter she will get through this, and like others have said - activities out of school to help build her confidence and make friends outside of the clique that is school - once I hit high school and had a clean slate for myself I totally came out of my shell and became a new person

Last I heard of the two worst offenders in my case - one of them was kicked out of highschool for drug use and the other was working fulltime in a budget department store 10 years on and I wouldnt give those people two seconds of my time.

Its an absolutely horrible thing to have to go through, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if its not always easy to see - my thoughts are with your family x

MJOR

The poor little thing... thta's lousy. Preteens can be horrid. Get her involved with something outside of school. Drama or Karate can be good but it should be something she chooses.

Encourage her to talk to you about it too so she's not bottling it up...