A dilemma - finding a priest to marry us

F@ces

Firstly, apologies if this is in the wrong forum, or something that cannot be answered for us here. But I really hope people could comment on this, understand how frustrating this issue is becoming, and perhaps make suggestions.

Basically, my fiancé and I are getting married next year (September 2009). We live in Dublin, but are getting married in Co. Kildare (I won't divulge specific information in the interests of the priests/parishes I have contacted).

We need a priest to conduct the ceremony. First, we contacted a couple of priests in the parish (or close to) where we are getting married in Kildare (including the parish priest from the church we have booked, and of course, given a substantial amount of money to already to book the church). None could help (either not available for the date (which is understandable), or simply not interested in doing it).

Then we received a letter from the venue we have booked for our reception, which included information on how to book your wedding ceremony, and it states that your own local parish priest "must" do it, unless there is a reasonable reason why he cannot.

So my first question is - is this true?

On this premise, we decided to contact him (i.e. our local Dublin parish priest). I was informed that he could not do it as "he is the only priest in the parish" (I have been informed this is not strictly true, as I was provided with two priests names for the parish, one whom deals specifically with the (rather large) development that our property is part of), and that he "might" have "one or two funerals on that day"?!

But can he refuse?

Obviously, we are now becoming increasingly disillusioned with the Catholic Church, when on the most important day of our lives; we are being refused by every priest we contact. And often times, and I am trying to be polite, for reasons that seem less than satisfactory.

Obviously, my main query is stated above. As a general query - does anyone know what we can do? Honestly, we would now be quite dismissive of using the priest from our parish given his initial response. And one has to wonder how the church expects people to follow the faith, give to the church, and on the very rare occasion that one requires some assistance in return, none is given. It is extremely frustrating, and no less disappointing.

What do you think? Any comment or suggestions would be very much appreciated by us

thetyreman

Do what we did,go to Barbados and get married on the beach,we were told that we HAD to do a pre marriage course before the parish priest would marry us and HAD to go to mass every sunday.So rather than be beholding to them we went away and it was the best thing ever,marriage and honetmoon all in one,i admit that its not for everyone but it suited us.

Biro

Did you try calling out to the church where you want to get married on a Sunday for mass, and approaching the priest there after mass? If you're polite then I can see no reason why they won't be polite in return.

Biro

thetyreman wrote: »

Do what we did,go to Barbados and get married on the beach,we were told that we HAD to do a pre marriage course before the parish priest would marry us and HAD to go to mass every sunday.So rather than be beholding to them we went away and it was the best thing ever,marriage and honetmoon all in one,i admit that its not for everyone but it suited us.

What a pointless post.

F@ces

thetyreman wrote: »

Do what we did,go to Barbados and get married on the beach,we were told that we HAD to do a pre marriage course before the parish priest would marry us and HAD to go to mass every sunday.So rather than be beholding to them we went away and it was the best thing ever,marriage and honetmoon all in one,i admit that its not for everyone but it suited us.

We had thought about this, and it is a lovely idea, but decided against it on the premise that it would be too costly on our nearest and dearest.

Biro wrote:

Did you try calling out to the church where you want to get married on a Sunday for mass, and approaching the priest there after mass? If you're polite then I can see no reason why they won't be polite in return.

Hi Biro. We haven't tried that yet, but funnily enough someone else (in an indirect way) has suggested the same. I suppose (with everything) it is easier to dismiss someone by the less personal methods of contact like phone and email. Perhaps we will approach our parish priest one morning after mass then, and see what he says. But because of how we are being refused so far, I still find it hard to believe he (or anyone) will give a different response when asking them face to face.

PDN

If the venue is not a Catholic Church then should be no necessity for a Catholic priest to be involved at all.

The legal requirement is that the wedding should be conducted by a registered solemniser as approved by the General Register Office in Roscommon. There is a link to the list of Solemnisers on this page: http://www.groireland.ie/getting_married.htm

Some of these will only conduct weddings for members of their own congregations, but others will be quite happy to facilitate you. You must make sure that you put in your notification of intent to marry to the Register Office at least 3 months before the wedding date.

Biro

F@ces wrote: »

Hi Biro. We haven't tried that yet, but funnily enough someone else (in an indirect way) has suggested the same. I suppose (with everything) it is easier to dismiss someone by the less personal methods of contact like phone and email. Perhaps we will approach our parish priest one morning after mass then, and see what he says. But because of how we are being refused so far, I still find it hard to believe he (or anyone) will give a different response when asking them face to face.

Assuming it's a Catholic wedding ye both want, then is it safe to assume ye're both Catholic? Usually problems only occur when non-Catholics want to use the Catholic church as a "tool" to get married, which is understandable really. Some priests may be a bit miffed at the number of people who couldn't give a rats ass about Catholicism and then expect them to jump when they're requested to do so. Not saying that ye are doing this, but maybe the priest in question might have this impression, which might explain the closed door attitude.
Approaching politely after Mass goes a lot further to ensure this isn't the idea they have of ye than an e-mail does!
Also, I notice that you have Mayo in your location. If your parents are still in Mayo and have a friendly relationship with the Parish Priest back home, could you ask him for advise/help or ask him to perform the cermony for ye? Again the after mass approach is much better than phone/e-mail.
If neither of ye particularly want a Catholic wedding, then PDN's advise is another tack you could take.

Biro

PDN wrote: »

If the venue is not a Catholic Church then should be no necessity for a Catholic priest to be involved at all.

If that was the case then they would be told straight out that the cermony can't be Catholic, therefore the OP wouldn't be in this dilemma, so I'm assuming it is for now.

F@ces

PDN wrote: »

If the venue is not a Catholic Church then should be no necessity for a Catholic priest to be involved at all.

The legal requirement is that the wedding should be conducted by a registered solemniser as approved by the General Register Office in Roscommon. There is a link to the list of Solemnisers on this page: http://www.groireland.ie/getting_married.htm

Some of these will only conduct weddings for members of their own congregations, but others will be quite happy to facilitate you. You must make sure that you put in your notification of intent to marry to the Register Office at least 3 months before the wedding date.

Hi PDN,

Thanks for the link. Yes, we are getting married in a Catholic Church. So therefore a Catholic Priest will need to be involved.

The other option is to get married on the premises where we are having our reception (a service they provide). However, we didn't want to do this for two reasons:

• For our parents, and family, we decided a traditional church wedding was more appropriate.
• The room provided for a civil ceremony within our reception venue is quite small anyway.

Perhaps we will have to consider a civil ceremony, if indeed we can find someone to do it for us :rolleyes:

I sense a Rays Fix It Friday coming on On a serious note though, I never imagined in all my life that one of the most difficult aspects of getting married would be (of all things) finding a priest to do so. It's unfathomable.

Splendour

F@ces wrote: »

Hi PDN,

• For our parents, and family, we decided a traditional church wedding was more appropriate.
• The room provided for a civil ceremony within our reception venue is quite small anyway.

The two above points are not really the right reason to get married in a Catholic Church and maybe you should reconsider your options?

For the record though your own parish priest does not have to conduct the ceremony, though if you are regular attenders to mass, I imagine he would try and fit you in or at least get another priest to do it.

thetyreman

Biro wrote: »

What a pointless post.

Please explain,(your ignorance that is)

Fanny Cradock

OK guys, lets leave the unnecessary remarks and angry faces behind us.

sorella

I am puzzled, frankly. But there seems to be a great narrowing in the Church just now.
( I am a Nun by the way, in Ireland in a non-Irish Order)

As the number of priests deckines, they are closing doors sadly.

But there is no reason that this should be happening.

And I do apologise for this on behalf of the Church. It should not be like this for you.

Do approach the Parish Priest; maybe better to make an appointment rather than after Mass.

There is also the marriage preparation to think of, which is their responsibilty also.

Do you have a Friary near you? If you send me the locality I can check this out.

I ask this as only four years ago I arranged a very quiet wedding for a young woman with a small child who longed to be married but knew the cost would cripple her.

The wedding was in a small country church which was not the parish church and the Franciscan Friar officiated. The Friary was even in a different diocese from where they lived.

They had to get all the usual freedom to marry paperwork of course and they had also to get permission from the Bishop of the diocese in which the Friary us.

Have you tried appealing directly to the Bishop? Try the priest first; it may well be totally fine with him. Some of the lay folk make errors sadly.

I have also attended weddings where the officiating priest was a friend of the couple and came in from a different parish/diocese.

If you need, message me by all means. Protocol can be a hard thing.

But this is to be a joyful and happy occasion for all.. our wee wedding was all that....
Blessings this day

sorella

Re-reading this....

The best way may well be to gently approach the Bishop, saying how much a Church wedding means to you and asking his advice now.

That you know how hard-pressed the Church is now. But you wouild be grateful for advice.

Where we live we have just had a struggle to keep a small chapel open and from being sold and we have learned so much about protocol.

We have permission now to find a priest to say mass for us there and it will be a Polish priest from another diocese.

It should not be like this, but the Church here is falling fast.

We went via the Bishop to get all this done; it is his responsibility after all.

F@ces

Splendour wrote: »

The two above points are not really the right reason to get married in a Catholic Church and maybe you should reconsider your options?

For the record though your own parish priest does not have to conduct the ceremony, though if you are regular attenders to mass, I imagine he would try and fit you in or at least get another priest to do it.

Firstly, you've for some reason presumed the two points mentioned are the only reasons. I have not stated whether I and/or my fiance are practising Catholics on this thread. To be honest she read your reply and found it frankly insulting.

Secondly, any reason(s) one has to have a Catholic wedding is not for you to question. We are both from quite Catholic families brought up in the West of Ireland. We have both decided, for both us, and indeed as mentioned, our families, to celebrate this wonderful day in the eyes of God.

Thirdly, as a side point, here's a hypothetical scenario, and a rhethorical question based on you stating "...if you are regular attenders to mass...". If I were to suddenly (and touch wood it won't happen) depart this mortal coil tomorrow - will the priest who will be doing my funeral question the bereaved left behind about my Catholic faith (regular attender / practising Catholic included)?

I have not posted this thread to be questioned as to why I am getting married in a Catholic church, moreso, I posted it to find out how I can get married in a Catholic church (i.e I cannot find a priest).

F@ces

Sorella,

Very interesting, and quite eye opening. Thank you so much for posting something helpful and informative here. I will look into what you have said and speak to my fiance as well. I also really appreciate you saying we may contact you if need be.

Again, many thanks, and kindest regards.

kelly1

Hello F@ces, I don't understand this comment you made:-

"Perhaps we will have to consider a civil ceremony, if indeed we can find someone to do it for us"

That's not a marriage "in the eyes of God" is it?

I would imagine approaching the priest after Mass to get an appointment would
be the best approach.

God bless both of you,
Noel.

F@ces

kelly1 wrote: »

Hello F@ces, I don't understand this comment you made:-

"Perhaps we will have to consider a civil ceremony, if indeed we can find someone to do it for us"

That's not a marriage "in the eyes of God" is it?

I would imagine approaching the priest after Mass to get an appointment would
be the best approach.

God bless both of you,
Noel.

Hi Noel,

The comment was meant a little tongue in cheek, and made out of desperation. It was meant from the perspective that we are feeling we may be left with no choice but to do so.

It is not in any way something we want to consider. I'm sure we will eventually find someone to do the ceremony for us, but the frustration in the difficulty of doing so led to the comment. Please don't take it the wrong way - as I said having a Catholic wedding (and the church already being booked) is something we not only dearly want, but would regard as integral to our day.

getz

try the church of ireland ---it dosent matter who drives the car ---remember jesus was not catholic

Biro

F@ces wrote: »

Secondly, any reason(s) one has to have a Catholic wedding is not for you to question. We are both from quite Catholic families brought up in the West of Ireland. We have both decided, for both us, and indeed as mentioned, our families, to celebrate this wonderful day in the eyes of God.

Actually I'm glad you posted this, because I didn't want to jump to conclusions, but I figured that was your background alright, which is why I suggested approaching the priest from your home. Being from a small parish at home myself and now living in the city I find I'm more annonymus in the city church as there's typically a much larger crowd. Priests (being people!) would be more enclined to stretch that bit further to help people they know (like anyone), so therefore the parish at home might be the best point of call if you're stuck, assuming the priest back there has being around for a long time and knows the family well.

F@ces

We had thought of this Biro - it's a fair suggestion alright.

The only problem is that on my fiance's side, their parish priest unfortunately passed away quite recently. From my perspective, it is about 12-13 years since I lived in my home place, and would now feel quite detached from the community/parish there. That said I will still consider approaching the priest there, but I am also very consious that I would be bringing him a large distance to our wedding (Mayo -> Kildare). Obviously I would try to look after him and help with transport, the costs of such, etc - but at the same time I didn't want to put a huge travel burden on (any) priest we get.

Hence why we were looking at priests in the area where the church is in Kildare, and indeed, within our own parish (1 hr approx from church). I'd quite happily drive the man there myself if need be

Perhaps I (we) are going about it the wrong way, but I just presumed (given a lot of priests saying they are busy / might have funerals on the day / are the only ones in the parish (and all are understandable)) that the best method would be to try and get a priest that we could put as little time pressure on as possible (i.e. regarding travel etc). Obviously the most desirable outcome would be to have the priest from our own parish do it.

PDN

F@ces, I'm sorry that I misunderstood you previously by thinking you were talking about a secular wedding venue. I think you were a bit harsh on Splendour earlier as she was simply responding and trying to be helpful based on the information in your posts.

You have to understand that those of us who are non-Catholic are simply trying to get our heads around the fact that a couple who are both practising members of a denomination would experience difficulty in finding a clergyman to conduct a wedding in a church building of that same denomination. I'm not trying to be funny, but it does run so contrary to how the rest of us experience church and relate to our ministers.

It would be different if you were somehow aggravating them by blatantly flouting church teaching (like if you were members of a witch's coven or already shacked up together or something) - but since you appear to good Catholics & regular mass attenders it all sounds quite baffling.

So apologies if we non-Catholics got the wrong end of the stick. Absolutely no offence intended and I hope you get it all sorted and have a wonderful wedding day.

sorella

He would almost certainly enjoy the day out:)

One thing that comes across from the thread is that you are making up their minds for them:)

when I first approached the Friar re the young woman, I was not asking re marriage, as I had no idea this could be done so quietly, but about some kind of blessing on the union until such time as the couple could find the money to marry.

when he offered that, it was amazing...

and every priest they talked with re the freedom to marry paperwork was delighted by what they were doing.

We forget sometimes that the priests have seen far more about these situations than we ever will....

Try the "ask and you shall receive angle" as we did here recently.:)

Blessings

F@ces wrote: »

We had thought of this Biro - it's a fair suggestion alright.

The only problem is that on my fiance's side, their parish priest unfortunately passed away quite recently. From my perspective, it is about 12-13 years since I lived in my home place, and would now feel quite detached from the community/parish there. That said I will still consider approaching the priest there, but I am also very consious that I would be bringing him a large distance to our wedding (Mayo -> Kildare). Obviously I would try to look after him and help with transport, the costs of such, etc - but at the same time I didn't want to put a huge travel burden on (any) priest we get.

Hence why we were looking at priests in the area where the church is in Kildare, and indeed, within our own parish (1 hr approx from church). I'd quite happily drive the man there myself if need be

Perhaps I (we) are going about it the wrong way, but I just presumed (given a lot of priests saying they are busy / might have funerals on the day / are the only ones in the parish (and all are understandable)) that the best method would be to try and get a priest that we could put as little time pressure on as possible (i.e. regarding travel etc). Obviously the most desirable outcome would be to have the priest from our own parish do it.

sorella

It just is that the priesthood here is dying off quite literally at an increasing rate, and the Church is really struggling more and more just to cover the basic sacramental needs of the people.

In ten years the situation will be appalling; already parish-sharing is starting to happen and the numbers of masses has greatly decreased.

And there is some panic now of course.

I can get the official stats if you like.

So few men are being ordained now; 11 for the whole of Ireland last year.
Two of those are over 55 and one is half-blind.

So the shortfall is a reality; hence the diffculty now

We have managed to get the services of a Polish priest and this will happen more now. That and African priests also.

This happened in France and they now have one priest serving a very large area; mass is said by a "relais" a lay worker, often a woman using Consecrated Hosts; she also takes funerals.
Ireland will need to start some serious planning soon.

Meanwhile the ones who suffer are those seeking a sacramental wedding

So please, bear with it. Ireland is in transition.

Religious also here are dying at the rate of 6 or 7 a week and in ten years most of the Orders will be no more as they also are not renewing.

Blessings this day

PDN wrote: »

F@ces, I'm sorry that I misunderstood you previously by thinking you were talking about a secular wedding venue. I think you were a bit harsh on Splendour earlier as she was simply responding and trying to be helpful based on the information in your posts.

You have to understand that those of us who are non-Catholic are simply trying to get our heads around the fact that a couple who are both practising members of a denomination would experience difficulty in finding a clergyman to conduct a wedding in a church building of that same denomination. I'm not trying to be funny, but it does run so contrary to how the rest of us experience church and relate to our ministers.

It would be different if you were somehow aggravating them by blatantly flouting church teaching (like if you were members of a witch's coven or already shacked up together or something) - but since you appear to good Catholics & regular mass attenders it all sounds quite baffling.

So apologies if we non-Catholics got the wrong end of the stick. Absolutely no offence intended and I hope you get it all sorted and have a wonderful wedding day.

F@ces

PDN wrote: »

F@ces, I'm sorry that I misunderstood you previously by thinking you were talking about a secular wedding venue. I think you were a bit harsh on Splendour earlier as she was simply responding and trying to be helpful based on the information in your posts.

You have to understand that those of us who are non-Catholic are simply trying to get our heads around the fact that a couple who are both practising members of a denomination would experience difficulty in finding a clergyman to conduct a wedding in a church building of that same denomination. I'm not trying to be funny, but it does run so contrary to how the rest of us experience church and relate to our ministers.

It would be different if you were somehow aggravating them by blatantly flouting church teaching (like if you were members of a witch's coven or already shacked up together or something) - but since you appear to good Catholics & regular mass attenders it all sounds quite baffling.

So apologies if we non-Catholics got the wrong end of the stick. Absolutely no offence intended and I hope you get it all sorted and have a wonderful wedding day.

Mate, no problem, don't apologise for anything!

Perhaps I was a bit harsh on Splendour, and apologies if so. However, the response was based on the fact that it was off-topic with relation to the original post. I realise that one of my posts made it sound like we were only doing this for our family etc, however, even if that was/is the case it would still be (imo) a valid reason to do so. For example, my mother is a very devout Catholic, and I would believe she would find it very difficult to understand and accept a non-Catholic union. It would also probably make her very disappointed. Therefore, it is conceivable that in circumstances such as this, having a Catholic wedding for the ones you love, while perhaps admittedly not the best reason, would be a relatively "christian" thing to do.

Anyway, that's slightly off-topic again. But just want to say thanks PDN for your help, making things more clear to me (i.e. how others may view my post(s)) and indeed for the best wishes. Much appreciated.

Phototoxin

try the church of ireland ---it dosent matter who drives the car ---remember jesus was not catholic

he was a jew ? Do you want to phone the rabbi or shall I ?:pac:


anyway unless you contact your current PP that knows you and ask him to contact the priest in the area where you wish to be married. That way you will have a reference and wont be just barging in on a church 'only to get married'(as it maybe percieved by a priest who doesnt know you)

F@ces

Very interesting comments Sorella. Only 11 priests ordained in Ireland last year? Wow - didn't realise the figures were so low.

I can now more appreciate why we are having such difficulty, and indeed, understand the workload that many priests probably now have.

I also like your suggestion to be a little more subtle when dealing with the priest(s). Perhaps one has a tendancy of almost approaching it like it was some sort of business transaction. At the end of the day, it would be such a bonus to meet the priest, get to know him a little, and actually have an enjoyable day with him. Unfortunately at the moment it feels like it's a case of just trying to find someone to do it!

All in all a very interesting insight, and I appreciate the time you are taking in replying. My deepest thanks.

F@ces

Phototoxin wrote: »

That way you will have a reference and wont be just barging in on a church 'only to get married'(as it maybe percieved by a priest who doesnt know you)

Fair point, and was afraid of that as well. Can understand why a priest would perceive that.

robindch

sorella wrote: »

Religious also here are dying at the rate of 6 or 7 a week and in ten years most of the Orders will be no more as they also are not renewing.

Oddly, the religious community which schooled me is flourishing and I believe it's the only one in the country that is. But they plough their own furrow some distance from mainstream religious practice.

Splendour

F@ces wrote: »

Mate, no problem, don't apologise for anything!

Perhaps I was a bit harsh on Splendour, and apologies if so. However, the response was based on the fact that it was off-topic with relation to the original post. I realise that one of my posts made it sound like we were only doing this for our family etc, however, even if that was/is the case it would still be (imo) a valid reason to do so. For example, my mother is a very devout Catholic, and I would believe she would find it very difficult to understand and accept a non-Catholic union. It would also probably make her very disappointed. Therefore, it is conceivable that in circumstances such as this, having a Catholic wedding for the ones you love, while perhaps admittedly not the best reason, would be a relatively "christian" thing to do.

Anyway, that's slightly off-topic again. But just want to say thanks PDN for your help, making things more clear to me (i.e. how others may view my post(s)) and indeed for the best wishes. Much appreciated.

Hi F@ces, apologies if I offended you and your financé as that was not my intention, but given your post, I assumed you were looking for a church wedding to please other than yourselves.

I hope you get sorted and have a great wedding and more importantly I pray you have a loving fulfilled marraige...

getz

i know this is of know help at this moment--but talks are going on at this time with the vatican and anglican churches as there is no longer very much between them now . to make the pope the head of both churches this could mean that in a few years time the rev/priest may be a woman--as jesus said to mary magdalane[go out an pass on the word of god]---i hope you both have a long and happy marriage-both myself and wife are catholics and are still together after 45years

sorella

That is Glenstal?

Well, 50 is a fair number in these days, but not what it used to be until recently.

And they are not contemplatives, by the way. Not in the real definition of that term .
Contemplatives are enclosed and do not run schools or the amount of outreach there is there.

Pretty standard monasticism also, unlike many Irish Orders.

Blessings this day

robindch wrote: »

Oddly, the religious community which schooled me is flourishing and I believe it's the only one in the country that is. But they plough their own furrow some distance from mainstream religious practice.

sorella

The recent issue about women bishops has stalled talks....and the issue also re the Pope also.

getz wrote: »

i know this is of know help at this moment--but talks are going on at this time with the vatican and anglican churches as there is no longer very much between them now . to make the pope the head of both churches this could mean that in a few years time the rev/priest may be a woman--as jesus said to mary magdalane[go out an pass on the word of god]---i hope you both have a long and happy marriage-both myself and wife are catholics and are still together after 45years

F@ces

Splendour wrote: »

Hi F@ces, apologies if I offended you and your financé as that was not my intention, but given your post, I assumed you were looking for a church wedding to please other than yourselves.

I hope you get sorted and have a great wedding and more importantly I pray you have a loving fulfilled marraige...

No worries at all mate. As stated, sorry if my post came off harsh, wasn't intended.

Thanks for the very kind words, I (we) appreciate it. All the very best to you too.

niamh31

Hey

Just wondering if you had any luck finding a priest. I am getting married well hoping to next June outside of my home parish and i am finding it very difficult to get a priest. Just wondering how you got on?

neuro-praxis

I don't understand any of this at all.

If you are practicing Catholics in a church community, why don't you ask YOUR PRIEST to marry you?

I think the answer is obvious. As far as I can see, practicing Catholics who do attend church regularly have no difficulty getting a priest to marry them, because they are part of a church community.

Why do people expect services from priests when they are not part of their community? It's mad. These men owe you nothing!

niamh31

I think your obvious answer is the wrong conclusion. There is only one priest in my home parish and he can't leave the parish. Nobody thinks the priests owes them anything all i am looking for is a priest who is available to leave his parish for a day to marry me and my fiancee.

And in gods eyes neuro-praxis we are all part of the one community!!!!!!

robindch

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Why do people expect services from priests when they are not part of their community? It's mad. These men owe you nothing!

The CC, like many churches, is a registered charity and receives indirect funding from the taxpayer, in the form of exemption from taxes that it would otherwise have to pay.

If the church were run as a purely commercial operation, then what you say is fair enough. As a charity though, it's skating on very thin ice indeed when it refuses access, for example, to buildings which were generally paid for by public subscription upon no criterion more convincing than one's membership, or otherwise, of a religious club. Or in this case, what seems to be membership of the same religious club, just one from down the road.

Alternatively, if you do reckon that these men really do owe us nothing -- and I don't think they do -- then perhaps the state should remove charitable status from religions and leave them run as commercial businesses. Scientology seems to be able to do it quite well.

neuro-praxis

niamh31 wrote: »

And in gods eyes neuro-praxis we are all part of the one community!!!!!!

Actually, that is the position of the reformed church, not your church. The Catholic church don't consider me or anyone in the reformed tradition part of the "church"; we are merely ecclesial communities.

So neither yours nor your husband's parish priests, who presumably have known you for years, will bother to marry you?

neuro-praxis

robindch wrote: »

The CC, like many churches, is a registered charity and receives indirect funding from the taxpayer, in the form of exemption from taxes that it would otherwise have to pay.

If the church were run as a purely commercial operation, then what you say is fair enough. As a charity though, it's skating on very thin ice indeed when it refuses access, for example, to buildings which were generally paid for by public subscription upon no criterion more convincing than one's membership, or otherwise, of a religious club. Or in this case, what seems to be membership of the same religious club, just one from down the road.

Alternatively, if you do reckon that these men really do owe us nothing -- and I don't think they do -- then perhaps the state should remove charitable status from religions and leave them run as commercial businesses. Scientology seems to be able to do it quite well.

They receive charitable status because they perform (or at least many of them do) charitable works. The majority of major charities are borne out of and funded by churches.

robindch, to call Christianity a religious club is idiotic, as you well know. Stop stirring the pot, it's boring. However if it were simply a club then the "owners" would be well within their rights to refuse admission to anyone they darn well please.

And yes, I really do think priests owe "us" nothing. The people they are responsible to are their PARISHIONERS; no more and no less.

Biro

niamh31 wrote: »

I think your obvious answer is the wrong conclusion. There is only one priest in my home parish and he can't leave the parish. Nobody thinks the priests owes them anything all i am looking for is a priest who is available to leave his parish for a day to marry me and my fiancee.

And in gods eyes neuro-praxis we are all part of the one community!!!!!!

Have a chat with him. He'll know plenty of priests that might be able to help, or if not, he could recommend to the priest of the parish that you intend to get married that you're not just some blow-in who uses the church when you feel like it, that you're a regular attender at his parish and he can't oblige for the reasons that you stated above.

F@ces

niamh31 wrote: »

Hey

Just wondering if you had any luck finding a priest. I am getting married well hoping to next June outside of my home parish and i am finding it very difficult to get a priest. Just wondering how you got on?

Firstly, sorry Niamh, only noticed your post now. Secondly, neuro-praxis, thanks for the rather brilliant (and obvious) solution that we should ask our parish priest. Wish I had thought of that one :rolleyes:. As Niamh stated we have tried that.

Niamh, we haven't had much luck since, but over the Xmas period didn't put too much thought into it tbh. We did ring the church we are getting married in again about a week ago (the lady there is always really nice). We stated our predicament and she pretty much insinuated that the priest there would do it if we couldn't get someone else. So obviously I'd rather get someone else than use a priest that can't be bothered, but that said I don't think we'll end up with much of a choice.

No wonder so many young people are shying away from the church.

getz

F@ces wrote: »

Firstly, apologies if this is in the wrong forum, or something that cannot be answered for us here. But I really hope people could comment on this, understand how frustrating this issue is becoming, and perhaps make suggestions.

Basically, my fiancé and I are getting married next year (September 2009). We live in Dublin, but are getting married in Co. Kildare (I won't divulge specific information in the interests of the priests/parishes I have contacted).

We need a priest to conduct the ceremony. First, we contacted a couple of priests in the parish (or close to) where we are getting married in Kildare (including the parish priest from the church we have booked, and of course, given a substantial amount of money to already to book the church). None could help (either not available for the date (which is understandable), or simply not interested in doing it).

Then we received a letter from the venue we have booked for our reception, which included information on how to book your wedding ceremony, and it states that your own local parish priest "must" do it, unless there is a reasonable reason why he cannot.

So my first question is - is this true?

On this premise, we decided to contact him (i.e. our local Dublin parish priest). I was informed that he could not do it as "he is the only priest in the parish" (I have been informed this is not strictly true, as I was provided with two priests names for the parish, one whom deals specifically with the (rather large) development that our property is part of), and that he "might" have "one or two funerals on that day"?!

But can he refuse?

Obviously, we are now becoming increasingly disillusioned with the Catholic Church, when on the most important day of our lives; we are being refused by every priest we contact. And often times, and I am trying to be polite, for reasons that seem less than satisfactory.

Obviously, my main query is stated above. As a general query - does anyone know what we can do? Honestly, we would now be quite dismissive of using the priest from our parish given his initial response. And one has to wonder how the church expects people to follow the faith, give to the church, and on the very rare occasion that one requires some assistance in return, none is given. It is extremely frustrating, and no less disappointing.

What do you think? Any comment or suggestions would be very much appreciated by us

last week i was talking to a catholic priest at a local church club in the uk-i told him about this kind of problem this is what he told me -send a nice letter to the bishop of the diocece and explain you reason, to want to get married in that place he said one contact is made ,all the priests will very keen to help .by the way it cost me a pint

F@ces

getz wrote: »

last week i was talking to a catholic priest at a local church club in the uk-i told him about this kind of problem this is what he told me -send a nice letter to the bishop of the diocece and explain you reason, to want to get married in that place he said one contact is made ,all the priests will very keen to help .by the way it cost me a pint

Thanx mate, good to know

philologos

F@ces wrote: »

No wonder so many young people are shying away from the church.

Do you practice in that church regularly? If you do I don't understand why the priest wouldn't marry you and your fiancee.

As for "young people shying away from the church", this isn't about Christian teaching, but this is out of an expectation that the church is to marry people without question. I don't think it is a reasonable expectation.

niamh31

Hey Faces

We finally booked a priest today. The priest in the church were getting married in is going to do the ceremony. I ended up having to ring the Catholic communications office and they were very helpful. They gave me the number for the Bishop of the Diocese were we are getting married. I rang the Bishop who is lovely and he suggested going and speaking to the priest in the church we are getting married in and explaining our perdiciment or asking him the names of other priests in the surrounding parishes who might not be so busy. I rang the priest and on the phone it seemed he didn't want to do the ceremony but i arranged to go down for mass today and speak with him afterwards, anyway it was very different face to face he was really nice and agreed to preform the marraige. So we are delighted. :)So maybe you could try this. I think if we could have got our own priest to marry us he would have been glad but he was happy to it because we couldn't.

And another couple i know who were in the same boat, the wedding planner in the hotel rang the local priest and explained their perdiciment and the priest agreed to preform the marriage. Maybe give that a bash.

Hope you get sorted soon.

Best of luck.

niamh31

Jakkass wrote: »

Do you practice in that church regularly? If you do I don't understand why the priest wouldn't marry you and your fiancee.

As for "young people shying away from the church", this isn't about Christian teaching, but this is out of an expectation that the church is to marry people without question. I don't think it is a reasonable expectation.

It's nothing got to do with mass attendance our local parish priest can't leave his parish as he is the only priest in the parish (that is why???).

I agree faces i think young people are shying away from the church.

And personally as a practising catholic i think being able to get a priest to preform my marriage is a very reasonable expectation.

Michael G

I am disappointed to see that this thread is still running, because it is so pointless. I still cannot understand why the OP thinks he or she (I don't remember which it is) should be married in a Catholic ceremony. The ceremony (even in the most dumbed-down form) still involves

• confession of sins and a promise not to do it again;
• what the girly-men newpriests call a "profession of faith", known to grown-ups as the Creed;
• receiving the body of Christ (the real thing, not a metaphor or, as the OP might call it, a cool idea).

There are plenty of sects offering Christianity-lite. Why don't consumers take their custom there?

philologos

niamh31 wrote: »

It's nothing got to do with mass attendance our local parish priest can't leave his parish as he is the only priest in the parish (that is why???).

And personally as a practising catholic i think being able to get a priest to preform my marriage is a very reasonable expectation.

I'm just saying if a marriage is a commitment that is to be made before God, it is something that a priest has the responsibility to deal with in care. People who would be active in hearing sermons and Biblical teaching would be aware of this responsibility. It's a religious ceremony as well as a wedding.

I'm not referring to anyone in particular, but I think it is a reasonable point to raise asides from all the practical questions that are raised during marriage.

Pamela111

I feel very sorry for many priests today.

Many couples turn up asking to be married without being to Confession and even Mass in a long time. Also, many of the people at the wedding can have drink taken on entry to the church, some dress very disrespectfully and even some want to turn it into a "showcase". So its not easy on the priests in these very difficult times. Some of the couples actually cohabit leading upto the wedding without accepting the wrong doing.

The faith is weak among us young people in these times of trial for the world.

I would have to disagree with the statement that this is "the most important day of our lives".

The most important days of our lives include Baptism, receiving the sacrements and of course our day of judgement.

Getting married is important to allow a family to be formed without sin or at least in a way more appealing to God. Getting the blessing from God is often overshadowed by people wanting great sinful types of celebration.:(

MatthewVII

Pamela111 wrote: »

The faith is weak among us young people in these times of trial for the world.

I don't think it's a question of weak faith as much as absent faith to be honest. Young people don't want to go through the motions of worshipping god but still want their day out for themselves and their families. The real issue IMHO is suitable alternatives to a catholic church wedding. I imagine as time goes by it will become more socially acceptable not to have a traditional wedding.

Getting the blessing from God is often overshadowed by people wanting great sinful types of celebration.:(

Just because it's fun doesn't mean it has to be sinful. Did Jesus not provide abundant wine for a wedding at Cana?