OH Repulses me now I know his parents are closely related

LegacyUser

Last night my boyfriend said to me rather casually that his parents are related ( they are first cousins of each other). At first I was just rather shocked that he tells me this now, my reaction was just plain shock.

However, today I have being feeling awful about it. The thought of his parents repulses me, infact I want nothing more to do with them, they make me sick. My OH from this present moment also repulses me, I can't make eye contact anymore let alone have sex.

Now I don't have a full understanding of Human Genetics but if myself and my boyfriend were to have kids - would this not be a problem? I love him to bits but my reaction to his parents ''keeping it in the family'' is plain disgusting. Any advice on how to proceed with this relationship or should I run a mile? Thanks.

dudara

Related wrote: »

Last night my boyfriend said to me rather casually that his parents are related ( they are first cousins of each other). At first I was just rather shocked that he tells me this now, my reaction was just plain shock.

It is kind of unusual, but not very rare either. The Catholic church allows second cousin marriage and first cousin marriages can gain a special dispensation.

However, today I have being feeling awful about it. The thought of his parents repulses me, infact I want nothing more to do with them, they make me sick. My OH from this present moment also repulses me, I can't make eye contact anymore let alone have sex.

Why do you think you feel this way?

Now I don't have a full understanding of Human Genetics but if myself and my boyfriend were to have kids - would this not be a problem?

Only if you and him were related. If you're not related, then whatever genetic "weaknesses" he may possess due to his parents' closeness would *probably* be lessened by the addition of your genepool. (Please note that this is not guaranteed).

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

It's obviously a problem if you can't make eye contact - you've got to decide whether or not you can get over it, or end things now.

Your kids, should you go down that route, won't be affected as you and he are not blood relatives. I'm assuming he turned out fine.

Karen_*

Well its not very likely that you and he are going to end up having children really when his family make you physically sick. He's going to notice your extreme reaction and it will make things a bit awkward at the wedding that you can't keep the dinner down. The risk of birth defects is 2.3% in an unrelated couple and 4.6% in first cousins. Since you and he are not related then you fall into the first category.

Might be an idea to get some knowledge about something before you start sticking your head down the toilet. You're going way OTT. I thought by your reaction they were brother and sister or something. It must be very difficult for you to love him to bits and yet the sight of him makes you sick. Poor you.

G&T

You are genetically closer to your 2nd cousin than your first.

I cant see how this is a problem tbh,

it does not affect you,they have managed to produce an offspring
you fell in love with,nothing has changed imo

your being a drama queen:rolleyes:

bug

Related wrote: »

Last night my boyfriend said to me rather casually that his parents are related ( they are first cousins of each other). At first I was just rather shocked that he tells me this now, my reaction was just plain shock.

However, today I have being feeling awful about it. The thought of his parents repulses me, in fact I want nothing more to do with them, they make me sick. My OH from this present moment also repulses me, I can't make eye contact anymore let alone have sex.

Now I don't have a full understanding of Human Genetics but if myself and my boyfriend were to have kids - would this not be a problem? I love him to bits but my reaction to his parents ''keeping it in the family'' is plain disgusting. Any advice on how to proceed with this relationship or should I run a mile? Thanks.

Your second cousin is closer to you genetically than your first cousin. Although a quick google will sort that out for you.

You'd have to consult a geneticist for real permutations.

From what I can see your issue seems to be a personal one rather than a genetic one. It's the way you feel about this.

I suggest you get in touch with someone proficient in genetics who may explain this to you, perhaps this might allay any of the personal issues you might have about it if you have all the facts at hand?

Many Royal families accross the world have done this.
The girl down the road from me married her first cousin. Their kids are all healthy.
Many tribes due to their numbers have done this.

I think the real question is why does this disgust you? Is it moral or genetic?

tomdadude

bug wrote: »

Your second cousin is closer to you genetically than your first cousin. Although a quick google will sort that out for you.

You'd have to consult a geneticist for real permutations.

From what I can see your issue seems to be a personal one rather than a genetic one. It's the way you feel about this.

I suggest you get in touch with someone proficient in genetics who may explain this to you, perhaps this might allay any of the personal issues you might have about it if you have all the facts at hand?

Many Royal families accross the world have done this.
The girl down the road from me married her first cousin. Their kids are all healthy.
Many tribes due to their numbers have done this.

I think the real question is why does this disgust you? Is it moral or genetic?

I've heard this too but honestly I don't believe it is true.How can you be genetically closer to somebody with whom you share a great-grand parent with than somebody that you have a grandparent in common with?It makes no sense really.

Talliesin

Related wrote: »

Now I don't have a full understanding of Human Genetics but if myself and my boyfriend were to have kids - would this not be a problem?

It only really increases the risk if the same family keeps doing it.

Were his grandparents and great-grandparents also cousins? Is his great-grandmother secretly Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia and hence bringing that rather inbred bloodline out of Russia under the Bolshevik's noses?

If not, don't worry.

bug

tomdadude wrote: »

I've heard this too but honestly I don't believe it is true.How can you be genetically closer to somebody with whom you share a great-grand parent with than somebody that you have a grandparent in common with?It makes no sense really.

I dunno tomdadude, the biologists might answer this.

LegacyUser

It doesn't sound to me like the relationship will last with your attitude anyway so I wouldn't worry about kids. My aunt and uncle were first cousins (both dead now). No big deal really. Looking at this thread on the list, I too thought they were brother and sister.

Related

Related wrote: »

I love him to bits

Coulda fooled me.



I'm not saying what you're thinking is right or wrong... but... i mean... so what? Who cares if his parents are brother and sister? or if his mam is a shemale? Or a horse?

Why does anything related to his parents affect how you feel about him?

I could probably understand if it were something that directly affected him (ie; he cheated on you or his last girlfriend, has a porn obession, dis-respects you etc.) but he can hardly change anything about his family.


I'll have to agree with G&T.

Sam Vimes

tomdadude wrote: »

I've heard this too but honestly I don't believe it is true.How can you be genetically closer to somebody with whom you share a great-grand parent with than somebody that you have a grandparent in common with?It makes no sense really.

what he said. Sounds to me like it's something learned in the school of "what some bloke in the pub told me". Makes no sense to me

MagicMarker

Related wrote: »

Last night my boyfriend said to me rather casually that his parents are related ( they are first cousins of each other). At first I was just rather shocked that he tells me this now, my reaction was just plain shock.

However, today I have being feeling awful about it. The thought of his parents repulses me, infact I want nothing more to do with them, they make me sick. My OH from this present moment also repulses me, I can't make eye contact anymore let alone have sex.

Now I don't have a full understanding of Human Genetics but if myself and my boyfriend were to have kids - would this not be a problem? I love him to bits but my reaction to his parents ''keeping it in the family'' is plain disgusting. Any advice on how to proceed with this relationship or should I run a mile? Thanks.

If this is the only problem you have with your OH then it must be a pretty decent relationship. Why let your own ignorance destroy it?

seanybiker

personally i think if ya leave him ie probably better off been without someone so shallow. Its his parents your sick about not him

AngryBadger

OP your reaction smacks of narrow-mindedness.

If your bf and you were to have children there's no way his parents being first cousins could lead to problems for you. So there's no issue there.

Regarding his parents and your attitude toward them, who are you to feel disgust at two people who decided to spend their lives together and in the process had a child who grew into the man you're now seeing?

Honestly, who do you think you are to judge his parents for something that doesn't effect you at all? I reckon your bf told you this because he figured it would come up at some stage and he thought it might make some people uncomfortable and wanted to bring you into the loop himself rather than having you find out from someone else. Big mistake on his part.

My advice;

Build a bridge and get over it. This doesn't effect the relationship you have in any way, and you're nobody to be judging his parents for how they chose to live their lives.

Fanny Cradock

As I see it, there are two factors at play here. One social, the other biological.

The social factor is obvious enough given our society. But it is interesting to consider other cultures where such things are common place. For instance, it is reckoned that 55% of British Pakistanis are married to their 1st Cousins. For that matter, both Darwin and Einstein were married to their 1st cousins.

Genetically speaking, The National Society of Genetic Counselors reckon that the risk of significant birth defects (retardation or genetic disorders) rises from about 3 - 4% between couple not related and rises to 4 - 7% between 1st cousins. This is approximately the same % of birth defects found in children born to women of 40 and over. Research conducted at the University of Washington even put the defect percentage as low as 1.7 - 2.8% between cousins.

It's amazing what the internet throws up at you. Anyway, I really don't know if it's right or wrong. I personally wouldn't be rushing off to marry any of my cousins - first or otherwise. But despite this, I find your reaction to be bordering on the hysterical.

chickenhawk

Related wrote: »

Last night my boyfriend said to me rather casually that his parents are related ( they are first cousins of each other).

OP I would be the same as you. I don't know how genetics work but I would be shocked and repulsed. Fcuk what everyone else thinks, but if a girl told me this I would run a mile and never look back. You do what you feel like and if the thought of that is sick then split. If you can cope then stay. Your choice.

chickenhawk

Just to add.

bug wrote: »

Your second cousin is closer to you genetically than your first cousin. Although a quick google will sort that out for you.

Eh 90% of science is just theory....

Deleted User wrote: »

has a porn obsession

Ya cause liking porn is worse than sleeping with your cousin!! :rolleyes:

bug wrote: »

Many royal families across the world have done this..

Whilime II was disabled and other less famous ones. Just google it and it will not be nice.

javaboy

chickenhawk wrote: »

Ya cause liking porn is worse than sleeping with your cousin!! :rolleyes:

You missed the point I think. They were saying that it's his parents the OP has a problem with and not the OP himself. And liking porn is not the same as a porn obsession.

@OP: I can't say for definite but I think the genetics argument isn't really substantial. You need to decide whether he's worth getting over the social stigma for or not. Would you be happy explaining to other people why you broke up with him if this ended up being the reason?

Overheal

This really does sound like social stigmatism playing with your head OP. I reckon though you could go consult a geneologist if it really bothered you that much.

Eh 90% of science is just theory....

......So lets listen to Religion, which is 100% theory?

Anyway in regard to his parents OP you dont owe them anything but you might benefit from hearing their version of things.

dudara

People, the Science and Religion argument has no place here. Neither it is a forum for debunking well-established science.

Keep to the topic at hand.

dudara

Aside

For those who are unaware of basic genetics:

Genetics is a game of probabilities. Under those rules, 2nd cousins are more likely to have defective offspring than first cousins. This is attributed to recessive genes skipping generations.

mountainyman

Wow Dudara you will shock the world when your research comes out.

If first cousins marry the child is about as lightly to have defect as if the mother is in her early 40s.
If second cousins marry the child is as like ti be defective as if the mother is in her mid thirties.

I would leave a woman whose parents were first cousins. I mean you wouldn't marry someone like that so why be with them at all.

tbh

OP. has your boyfriends behaviour changed at all since he told you this? If not, he's exactly the same person as he was before he told you. All that's changed is you have a bit of knowledge that you didn't have before. If you have specific reasons for being repulsed by this information, fair enough. But it sounds to me you are willing to end your relationship because it seems a bit "ewww".

Notorious

Has telling you this made your boyfriend change? I mean all he did was tell his girlfriend something personal. Its not his fault his parents are first cousins. I think you should really think carefully before you'd end the relationship. Since you've gone out with him, its always been this way. You just didn't know. Its not like hes done something wrong.

chickenhawk

javaboy wrote: »

You missed the point I think.

Probably I was quite drunk while writing that.

Sorry for going off topic.

Zillah

Related wrote: »

Now I don't have a full understanding of Human Genetics but if myself and my boyfriend were to have kids - would this not be a problem?

No, not in the slightest.

chickenhawk wrote: »

Eh 90% of science is just theory...

Ehhhh, you have no idea how science works. A theory is a working model that explains many facts, meaning its a higher level of understanding than mere facts.

Read a science book before you lecture others about science.

Gurgle

OP, I suggest you abandon your OH and run!!!
You'd be doing him a favour; you're obviously not mature enough to look after a puppy, never mind having a boyfriend.

chickenhawk

Zillah wrote: »

Read a science book before you lecture others about science.

That wasn't a lecture, more of a sentence and any science person will admit that they work on mostly theory. That does not mean they are not right it just means that they cannot prove something 100%.

And I wasn't saying we should listen to religion either.

Again sorry for going off topic.

Ciaran500

chickenhawk wrote: »

Eh 90% of science is just theory....

You obviously don't understand what a theory is...

Marksie

Chickenhawk infracted: off topic posting.

Get this back on topic.


OP: If suddenly you are now repulsed by your OH for something he has no control over, then you have to look at your own reasonings.
If you can set it aside completely, then do continue in the relationship. If you find you cannot then leave. It will not go away and it is not something that can be altered.

junior_apollo

bug wrote: »

...

Many Royal families accross the world have done this.
...

Probably not the best example of 'normal' people it could be argued?...

Anyway.. OP - The person you say you love is still the same person - I dont see how this should change your relationship with them... Ok you have reservations about his parents and their tendancies... but he is not them... he is the person you 'once' loved?...

Karen_*

mountainyman wrote: »

I would leave a woman whose parents were first cousins. I mean you wouldn't marry someone like that so why be with them at all.

And that's your perogative. You'd be coming from a position of ignorance but it would be entirely up to you. Many people would not want to be with 'someone like that' meaning narrow-minded and misinformed and that would be entirely up to them.

OP you don't love your boyfriend to bits and if this is genuinely your reaction and not just a dramatised version of your shock then you have a lot of living and growing to do. There are plenty of things that should repulse you and this isn't one of them. You need to talk to your boyfriend and let him know how you feel about him and his family. Tone down the nausea though as he's a human being with feelings.

AckwelFoley

it seems you have a problem with the fact that his parents are related.. so the problem should be not with him.

In places like roscommon and longford marrying your cousin was common practice, so that the farm of land would never technically leave the family if the marriage didnt work out

Seriously though, i know 2 familys that have being founded on cousins marrying and have perfectly normal children, the only affliction ive noticed is that the children are red haired.

I think you are being very harsh on this young man, it is not an illegal practice nor is it immoral. Would i have sex with my first cousin? Dam right i would.. would i have a problem with it? No, but her husband might.

The bottom line is there is nothing here to be repulsed by other than myths and stereotypes one may have picked up at school yard level. If you like the guy and he is good to you, hold on to him.

John Mason

seriously build a bridge.

Its a very common

Burial

Related wrote: »

Last night my boyfriend said to me rather casually that his parents are related ( they are first cousins of each other). At first I was just rather shocked that he tells me this now, my reaction was just plain shock.

However, today I have being feeling awful about it. The thought of his parents repulses me, infact I want nothing more to do with them, they make me sick. My OH from this present moment also repulses me, I can't make eye contact anymore let alone have sex.

Now I don't have a full understanding of Human Genetics but if myself and my boyfriend were to have kids - would this not be a problem? I love him to bits but my reaction to his parents ''keeping it in the family'' is plain disgusting. Any advice on how to proceed with this relationship or should I run a mile? Thanks.

Trace your family's roots. I guarantee you, somewhere along those lines you'll have cousins marrying each other, so the wealth stays in the family. It was all the rage for ages until people didn't fancy doing that anymore...

Dudess

Nothing's repulsive except the OP's, mountainyman's and chickenhawk's judgemental attitudes.

Ok, I won't be naive - we've been socially and culturally conditioned to believe this is sick and depraved (even if the two people are very much in love and very happy, so really, we've one strange idea of what "sick and depraved" is). I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be a bit taken aback at the relevation (again, only because of how I've been societally conditioned) but to be full-on grossed out at this couple to the point of being unable to spend time in their company? Seriously, get over it.
And as for being "repulsed" at their offspring who is the exact same person as he was before you found this out and his only "crime" is being their child? Wow, you need to examine where all this is coming from. There's nothing wrong with him at all, you've the problem.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think it would put me off a fair bit. I know it shouldn't but I think it would.

Anyway I don't think the OP is saying her boyfriend has done anything wrong, just that she's repulsed by it, which is fair enough, you can't tell your feelings what to do.

Dudess

To be repulsed by him because of what his parents did? True, you can't help how you feel but you can look at things from the perspective of others and train yourself not to be so judgmental.

mud

I went to school with a guy whose folks were 1st cousins, they had their dispensation from the pope framed in the hallway to their home. They fell in love like any'normal two people' would. We had a bit of a skit about it but then promptly forgot! OP I think your issue may be with the parent's actions but if you can't seperate your OH from the issue then he's better off if you let him go, seriously, It will be hard to hide the fact that you're flinching and shrieking any time he comes near you.

Dudess

Yeah, break up with him. He deserves better.

Mr. Incognito

You live in Ireland.

Up until 50 years ago everyone married their cousins. No-one travelled outside the parish and the inevitable happened.

This is why CF levels are the highest in Ireland than anywhere else in the world per head of population.

So cop the hell on.

bangersandmash

SetantaL wrote: »

You live in Ireland.

Up until 50 years ago everyone married their cousins. No-one travelled outside the parish and the inevitable happened.

This is why CF levels are the highest in Ireland than anywhere else in the world per head of population.

Exactly. The same applies to many other genetic conditions. This is the result of living on a small isolated island. See Iceland for a more extreme example. OP I can see how this revelation might have surprised you. But if you are of Irish genetic stock, it is a little hypocritical to criticise your boyfriend or his family.

Dudess

Why do you not want to see his parents again anyway OP? Do you think their "sickness" will rub off on you or something? They're the very same as before you found this out.

MagicMarker

Hands up those people who have thought a cousin of theirs was hot at some stage in their lives? I know i have. Fair enough, i didn't grow up with them and only met them once, but i still thought they were hot. Haven't seen them since though:(

LegacyUser

SetantaL wrote: »

This is why CF levels are the highest in Ireland than anywhere else in the world per head of population.

So cop the hell on.

The situation has now deteriated. I seem to have come in for some 'harsh' critism especially by a particular mod. Today I accepted the situation and yes realised the problem lies with me. I had become comfortable with things regarding my boyfriend and his parents, however as you see I have quoted the above poster as my OH's younger brother suffers from Cystic Fibrosis.

Now once again my world has turned upside down. Now I know CF and would realise I would have to be a gene carrier as well as my OH in order to pass it on to our kids. I thought I could control my reaction to this but now with the CF thing, once again I feel repulsed, I ask myself why am I involved with this 'inbred' family? God forgive me for this but I have to express how I feel.

I'm going to discuss with him how I feel about this whole thing, and hopefully he will understand. I know this is not his fault but his 'vile' parents. I now feel that I should put this relationship out of its misery. Its not him, It's me. I think I have some of my own issues I need to sort through first before I can enter or proceed with anymore relationships.

I appreciate all the advice given and thank you all so much.

OP

Thoie

MagicMarker wrote: »

Hands up those people who have thought a cousin of theirs was hot at some stage in their lives? I know i have. Fair enough, i didn't grow up with them and only met them once, but i still thought they were hot. Haven't seen them since though:(

As I was reading through the thread I was wondering if this was at the core of the problem.

Where I came from, the majority of people had 1st cousins around the same age, in the same classes at school and they were in and out of each others houses all day long. To most of my friends, 1st cousins were as close as brothers and sisters.

Because I wasn't from the area originally, I saw my 1st cousins maybe once a year, sometimes less. As it happens all my cousins are terribly unattractive, so I'm safe, but I don't think I'd find it as weird to be going out with my cousin as many of my friends would.

Perhaps the OP grew up with the "cousins are like brothers/sisters" thing, whereas his parents might only have met for the first time as adults?

Dudess

Related wrote: »

The situation has now deteriated. I seem to have come in for some 'harsh' critism especially by a particular member.

Fixed your post - my being a moderator of another forum is completely irrelevant.

Fair play to you for admitting there are things you have to work on yourself. It's such a shame you view his parents as if they are on a par with Fred and Rosemary West though. "Vile" - wtf? Anyone could be a bit weirded out by it, fair enough, but to feel such repulsion and, it appears, hatred towards them - what could have informed such an aggressive view...?

By breaking up with him, you are doing the right thing.

useful_contacts

my OHs brother and cousin are married and have 2 kids, didnt change how i felt about my partner so why would it change how u feel about yours?

cowzerp

The op seems like such a nice person, i hope op is happy in your small minded life.

Karen_*

Related wrote: »

I know this is not his fault but his 'vile' parents.

OP

Its very sad that you feel this way about two human beings who have harmed no-one. You're coming across as pretty vile yourself but its actually just that you don't know any better. Your reaction is startling if your first post was not you just being dramatic. If thats how you really feel then its just not a normal reaction to have.

tbh

Karen_* wrote: »

Its very sad that you feel this way about two human beings who have harmed no-one. You're coming across as pretty vile yourself but its actually just that you don't know any better. Your reaction is startling if your first post was not you just being dramatic. If thats how you really feel then its just not a normal reaction to have.

what do you mean by normal? Do you mean it's not the reaction most people would have? So what? If the OP feels this way about, then fair enough, you've no right to judge her, just like she's no right to judge her bf's parents. Two wrongs, etc etc.