I hate having sex with my boyfriend

xniamhx

[I posted this elsewhere but all everyone told me to do was to seek a therapists help, which is completely drastic and not so easy to do imo.
I love my boyfriend dearly. He is my best friend, and two years ago I never would have thought such a guy existed,especially in Ireland (no offence).
The only problem is I hate having sex, regardless of the physical act of doing it which I can just about allow myself to get through, the guilt and nausea it brings is overwhelming. To the point where I always need to throw up afterward. I feel as if im the worlds most disgusting person almost. I never initiate sex which I feel he resents me for[? or maybe guys dont care as long as they have it], but if it were up to me maybe we wouldnt be having sex. I know after two years that seems odd, but its just the way I feel. I dont like being touched in a sexual manner because it feels disgusting,i almost resent him for wanting to be one of those guys, but he's just being 'normal' i guess. but I love when we sleep together (no sex) or cuddle or just hug, so its not like im completely 'get away from me'. Its just sex I find difficult. I just dont want to hurt him by not wanting to have sex.. and then I feel guilty for not being the sexual girlfriend that so many of our friends girlfriends seem to be equally to their partners.
And its not him, its entirely me, because I trust him with all my heart..I really do love him.
My last boyfriend was 10 years older than me and i wasnt really in love with him, so sex wasnt a problem because I just allowed him to have sex with me and I didnt like it but I could tolerate it more because we didnt really care about eachother.
Im 20 years old & I dont want to feel this way forever, I just feel that everything has become about sex and I have this huge complex like its always going to be hanging over us and its like the elephant in the room or something.

..and I dont even know what Im asking here, Im just hoping that maybe some day i wont be so childish about it.
No guy wants their girlfriend to be a total idiotic prude forever.
Are any other girls as digusted as I am by sex.....?

Kevster

Hi,

Firstly, I am a 25 year old guy and I hate sex. In fact, I have openly turned it down when offered it from various girls. So, not all guys are 'text-book' guys, hehe.

I wouldn't have suggested that go to a therapist, by the way. That is the 'easy' way to solve this problem. However, there is a much easier and cheaper way to solve it: Talking to your boyfriend. You shouldn't feel scared or afraid about talking to him about this. If he has any heart in him, then he will listen to and understand your attitude to sex. Relationships are about compromises, after all, and I'm sure that you and he know this.

Kevin

Dudess

Kevster, I disagree. I think there's something up with the OP - particularly the feeling dirty aspect. I think she should definitely talk to a psychosexual counsellor.

As for you, I don't know whether you've had a girlfriend or fallen in love - maybe sex might be different for you if that happens. However the OP has been in relationships and cares very dearly for her current boyfriend, yet the physical aspect is problematic for her. This does not seem healthy. Niamh, do talk to someone about it. You say you don't want to feel like this forever. And you are not a prude.

taram

I don't think a therapist is drastic, it's clearly affecting you if you feel the need to post about it, and highly likely to be affecting your bf too. No one's saying you need to be a tiger in bed, but some simple enjoyment in expressing physical love with the man you trust and love would be wonderful for you both to experience. There shouldn't be any shame or disgust in something that's such a basic human desire. Try talking to your boyfriend, maybe try getting him to tell you how much he loves each part of you and so forth.

LegacyUser

I think there's a very good reason that people were telling you to speak to a therapist - these feelings are not normal!. Also, I think your boyfriend has the right to know how you feel about this.

xniamhx

its easy to say go see a pyschologist but it;s not easy to do. Think about sitting in a room with a total stranger telling them things you never tell anyone. I know they are experienced 'professionals' and they study for their knowledge but behind the doctor title theyre just a person like me prying me for intimate information.

It would be easier if my boyfriend didnt care about whether or not I enjoyed sex, because the way i see it is..im having sex with him so he should just let it be and be happy with that. By caring it only makes it so much more difficult for both of us.I suppose for a long time i had this extremly ridiculous false hope that i could have a relationship with a guy w/o anything repulsive involved.

It just hurts so much more knowing how much he cares about me and then for him to want my body in that way, it just makes me think he's like every other guy. I dont want to see him in a negative light, and i try not to judge him for being male. I know im not making much sense.

im not going to judge my bf because he doesnt force me, but we cant live in this pretend world where everything will be ok if a guy doesnt have sex,because its just not true. Unfortunately it seems to be what 99% of men are all about.

so I have to have sex with him regardless of how awful it makes me feel, its not his fault i feel so bad anyhow, i just want him to be able to accept that.

taram

xniamhx wrote: »

its easy to say go see a pyschologist but it;s not easy to do. Think about sitting in a room with a total stranger telling them things you never tell anyone. I know they are experienced 'professionals' and they study for their knowledge but behind the doctor title theyre just a person like me prying me for intimate information.

It would be easier if my boyfriend didnt care about whether or not I enjoyed sex, because the way i see it is..im having sex with him so he should just let it be and be happy with that. By caring it only makes it so much more difficult for both of us.I suppose for a long time i had this extremly ridiculous false hope that i could have a relationship with a guy w/o anything repulsive involved.

It just hurts so much more knowing how much he cares about me and then for him to want my body in that way, it just makes me think he's like every other guy. I dont want to see him in a negative light, and i try not to judge him for being male. I know im not making much sense.

im not going to judge my bf because he doesnt force me, but we cant live in this pretend world where everything will be ok if a guy doesnt have sex,because its just not true. Unfortunately it seems to be what 99% of men are all about.

so I have to have sex with him regardless of how awful it makes me feel, its not his fault i feel so bad anyhow, i just want him to be able to accept that.

I've been through therapy, and my therapist was nothing but professional. I felt could have said anything to her and she would have given me equally thought out professional advice and listened in the same way.

Just because men (or women) want sex, it doesn't mean you have to do anything you aren't comfortable with, if my bf wanted sex and I didn't due to tiredness or headache or whatever I'd say no, and he'd have to agree to that. I'm his gf, it's an equal relantionship. It's not paying taxes, you don't have to.

Zaph

xniamhx wrote: »

Unfortunately it seems to be what 99% of men are all about.

Reading your post all I could think of is that you have had some sort of traumatic sexual incident in your past. I'm not asking you to confirm or deny this it's entirely your business, I'm just saying that's how it comes across, and the statement above reinforces that view.

However, regardless of whether or not that's the case, the fact of the matter is that sex is not what 99% of men are all about. What I would say is that sex is something enjoyed by 99.9% of people of both sexes who are in a loving relationship, especially one of two years. If you still can't get over feelings of guilt and revulsion after having sex with someone you love dearly after two years, then clearly you have a problem that needs addressing. And it's not just so you can have sex and enjoy it, but also so you can have some peace of mind without this issue weighing so heavily on you, which will then help further strengthen your relationship. Yes professional counselling will be tough, but imo you're suffering from an extreme case of something, what I don't know as I'm not in that line of work, but you really do need to bite the bullet and see someone sooner rather than later, for the sake of your own sanity as much as that of your relationship. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but tbh I can't see any other way to deal with your problem short of ditching your boyfriend and abstaining from sex for the rest of your life.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

A question: is this a sexual issue or a touch issue?

I ask because I used to be very squeemish about touching other people - especially in the genital or 'prviate' areas. Sex was just beyond comprehension. And I'm a bloke, btw - best cleared up here and now!

What I did to combat it, was massage. Theraputic massage. It both relaxed me and got rid of the 'touch' phobias.

Just a thought... I may completely wrong here, but juts thought I'd mention it.

PS - if you don't feel comfortable talking to a 'complete stranger', I'd suggest a chat with your GP. The familiarity might help.

Marksie

Myxomatosis: Off topic, unhelpful post.
Second banning too: 1 month

Marksie

Niamh: All other posters are correct.

We cannot tell with this is a physical, emotional, mental or intimacy issue as regards you sexual relationship with your boyfriend, or inded a combination of a lot of things given what you have said in your post

You will not find answers here on an internet forum but advice. The advice will be to seek professional help.

It is not a drastic measure at all, but a necessary one. You do do not seem to be able to overcome this or realise where it stems from.

This WILL continue to be an issue and the only person who can take steps to change it is you. Regardless of any perceived difficulty, professional advice is the only way to go.
It really is as simple as this:

Its casting a huge shadow over the relationship and over your sexuality. Hding and saying it not that serious will not disguise the issue that it is.
Take the steps and get the support necessary to find the root cause of this

faceman

Niamh there have been some excellent posts on this thread. Unfortunately I agree that in order for you to move forward is to talk to a professional. If you are nervous or not entirely convinced maybe chat to your GP who you may already get on with. He/she will be able to recommend somebody good

There is nothing shameful or embarrassing about going to a therapist. Many people do it on many issues very successfully

Best of luck

Xavi6

xniamhx wrote: »

It would be easier if my boyfriend didnt care about whether or not I enjoyed sex, because the way i see it is..im having sex with him so he should just let it be and be happy with that. By caring it only makes it so much more difficult for both of us.I suppose for a long time i had this extremly ridiculous false hope that i could have a relationship with a guy w/o anything repulsive involved.

:eek: I really can't believe a comment like that. You clearly have a very, very low opinion of guys.

Speaking as a guy who has been in a relationship for 6 years, sex is nowhere near as good if she isn't enjoying it as much as me. We aren't all just out to get our hole. Believe it or not it is important to us that the girl enjoys it too. Maybe you should start by respecting him a bit more, afterall if he was just after sex he wouldn't be with you for two years.

Blackpitts

Niamh, imagine what would happen if your bf stops to give you cuddles for ever, how would you feel? are cuddles and hugs important for you? can u live without them?well, this is just what your boyfriend feels at the moment.
Sex is almost 50% of a successfull relationship, it's normal and there is nothing wrong with it.
If you don't talk to him, he will think that you are not attracted by him and this is not a nice thing to deal with, it might ruin everything.
if you care about your relationship, your future and your happiness, talk to your bf and try to go counselling, maybe he can come along and support you.

pickarooney

xniamhx wrote: »

behind the doctor title theyre just a person like me prying me for intimate information.

This stood out for me. Doctors, therapists and psychologists are not there to pry your for information. If and when you go to see someone it will be because you want to give them this information to help you help yourself. Likewise, your boyfriends is not just trying to get something from you, he's trying to give something to you and share with you. If you genuinely can't grasp that, I sincerely doubt you could ever trust him fully and there's no hope of a loving relationship under those circumstances.

Before you can get to the point where you trust your boyfriend or trust a stranger with private details (seriously, they have no personal interest in anything you tell them!) you're going to have to be more open with yourself and trust yourself. I imagine you have objections to masturbation, but understanding that might be your first positive step.

zoos

Hi Niamh, I used to feel the same as you. I went out with my last boyfriend for 3 years. He was my first. I was madly in love with him and thought of him as my best friend also. I really did not enjoy sex at all. And as he was my first I resigned myself to the fact that this is what sex is like. I thought all the hype about sex was ridiculous. I am not saying he was bad a sex etc... I just simply did not enjoy it and I felt a constant guilt and dirty every time we did it.

I broke up with my boyfriend eventually not because of that (maybe it was a factor) but realised I had loved him but NEVER fancied him at all. (dont think I am shallow - I just didn't feel attracted to him) So when I met my new boyf, I really fancied him so I think the lust happened all by itself and when we did have sex it was absolutely amazing. I am still with him and dont feel disgusted by it anymore. I am not sure if this is similar to you but just letting you know I used to be the same.

orlyice

Hi Niamh,

are your family religious by any chance?? the reason i ask is because my family are very catholic and when my mother was giving me the sex talk, she told me sex was dirty and if i had sex before i was married that i would be known forever as a slut and no guy would go out with me other than for sex and i was going to end up riddled with disease and pregnant and on my own etc etc

Now when a 10 year old girl hears this on a regular basis it does start to sink it and during my teenage years i did think of sex as disguisting. but over time i discovered that me and me mam had total different takes on life and i questioned her views on sex and i met a great guy and had sex and since then have had sex with a few boyfriends and now living with my bf of 2 years (and we not married!!!)

so niamh, if you can relate to this kind of opinion of sex when growing up this may be a contributing factor in how you feel about sex. a lof of irish mammys would be like this (based on what my mates have said) and wouldnt want their daughters to be with a different guy every night. but its not the right attitude to sex. sex is wonderful and magical when with the right person and i think you should go to a professional. and im sure they have heard similar stories llike this before so i doubt they are just trying to pry, they are going to ask lot a lot of questions but thats only so they can give you the right advice. good luck

AckwelFoley

Hello OP

Im a 31 year old guy, and.. yes i love sex. But sex is somewhat like work, if you like your job and somewhat in love with your job, great satisfaction will be had, but if you dont like or love your job, its just a hard slog.

Sex and the meaning varys alot for people sometimes. I can tell that i would be mainly the one that initiates the sex in most cases, waiting in the dark behind the sofa, naked, waiting for a moment when my partner lets her guard down then i pounce We have a really healthy sex life, and we both have a great time doing it, and to be honest dispite having previous girlfriends, this is probably the first time it has felt "just right", im extremely attracted to her, - and naturally, she thinks im gorgeous
I guess the point im trying to make is that you can have good sex with people you dont love, but the great sex is with the one you are in love with.

I spent 7 years i a relationship with a woman that i love dearly, and infact still love her, but i dont think, actually no, i know i wasnt "in love" with her, i know its a bit of a cliche, but its very true. She was very interested in sex and in the first few years i was too, but the last few years of it, i avoided sex and when we did have sex i found it difficult to climax and at times even get aroused long enough to to make it worth my while throwing the leg over.

Because i am Bi Polar and on meds for it i blamed the medication so i changed meds, but it didnt work, so then i tried some experments, such as cheating on her, i tried this a number of times to get definitive results, and had no problems preforming the act, and in most cases i played a blinder. This type of sex however can and is different because of the "buzz" surrounding a new sexual partner so to be honest i did realise this, but i did know it wasnt my meds that was causing my lack of interest in sex it was the fact i wasnt attracted to her - she essentially became my best friend, and no more, but because i didnt want to lose her i stayed in the relationship hoping something wouold change in time, which - it didnt.

I suppose the advice im giving you is that you need to ask yourself, do you look at other people and find them attractive and sometimes dream about sex? Do you think you just have a low libido? Do you masturbate at all? were you like this with other partners? Certainly the way you feel is not good for you in the long term and it is getting you very depressend and will in time have a serious affect on your relationship. Its easier for women to disguise a lack of interest in sex than it is for men, so he probably doesnt know the full extent of how you feel and i know he would be crushed if he did find out.

I think you need to sort this issue out, if you can determine if you are simply unattracted to him - move on, in my honest opinion that will never change. If however you have a low sex drive that is something that can be worked on somewhat and in effect i think you should stick with your boyfriend because another partner wont change that and it will be simply the same story. Any changes you make, make them for improving yourself, and not simply for the sake of it.

All the best

Stercus Accidit

Definitely seek a councillor, or psychiatrist, this is very odd.

I cannot imagine how unpleasant sex must be for him if you hate it so much.


You say you feel guilty and hate sex, what is there to feel guilty about?
Its not a shameful thing, the real shame is that catholic Ireland still rears its ugly head in some people's attitudes to sex.
The guilt aspect needs to be drummed out with a professional, this is the main problem, you have probably familiarised yourself with the concept of it being unpleasant by forcing sex for so long, and not being involved emotionally.

If you love your BF, and are attracted to him, sex should be a big desire in your mind, as its not its a problem.


Next thing, weird attitude, the he's getting sex he should be happy bit.
Christ almighty.
I could never enjoy having sex with a girl who wouldnt enjoy it, much less if she was my GF that I loved, id be fcukin traumatised.
Sex isnt about blowing the load, about the hole.

**** is what you are thinking of, and men prefer sex to a **** most of the time.
The guy is with you for a good while, and loves you and fancies you, he wants to have sex WITH you, not use you.

Definitely bring up this with the professional when you speak to one.
I say when as your fears are unfounded, I have been to a similar guy once in my life, over anger management and stress, they aren't a person judging you, they are a professional doing their job and analysing the situation logically based on their training and insight, offering the best help that you can get.

I spoke to this guy like he wasnt there, its very easy, the hardest bit is seeking the help, I put it off for a year, wrecking alot of relationships, only going after I had ruined alot of aspects of my life.

My problem was a temper and stress, yours is your problem, they are all worthy of being dealt with, get it fixed, dont live with this hanging over you.

Doghouse

xniamhx wrote: »

its easy to say go see a pyschologist but it;s not easy to do. Think about sitting in a room with a total stranger telling them things you never tell anyone. I know they are experienced 'professionals' and they study for their knowledge but behind the doctor title theyre just a person like me prying me for intimate information.

It would be easier if my boyfriend didnt care about whether or not I enjoyed sex, because the way i see it is..im having sex with him so he should just let it be and be happy with that. By caring it only makes it so much more difficult for both of us.I suppose for a long time i had this extremly ridiculous false hope that i could have a relationship with a guy w/o anything repulsive involved.

It just hurts so much more knowing how much he cares about me and then for him to want my body in that way, it just makes me think he's like every other guy. I dont want to see him in a negative light, and i try not to judge him for being male. I know im not making much sense.

im not going to judge my bf because he doesnt force me, but we cant live in this pretend world where everything will be ok if a guy doesnt have sex,because its just not true. Unfortunately it seems to be what 99% of men are all about.

so I have to have sex with him regardless of how awful it makes me feel, its not his fault i feel so bad anyhow, i just want him to be able to accept that.

Just my opinion but I think there are a few different things you need to look at, either on your own or within a therapeutic context.

Firstly, you say you equate the act of sex with repulsion and shame. This isn't a usual response to what is a very natural act (up there with eating and sleeping). Therefore I would suspect that you have this perception of sex as a result of either something that has happened to you previously or due to your having internalised the opinions of someone else. I think you need to look at what's caused you to have this attitude before coming to any solid conclusions about what sex and sexual desire mean to you in your life. Yes, some people don't enjoy the physical act of sex or don't have a high sex drive but that's a very different thing to what you're talking about.

You also seem to equate sexual desire purely with men. Do you consider that women are also sexual beings with sexual desires? Again it seems that your perception of sex and desire as shameful mean that any man you meet who expresses this desire will then be considered by you to be somehow dirty or shameful. As girls we're told a lot of things while growing up which are designed to prevent us having sex/getting pregnant etc. Sometimes we were told things like "men are only after one thing" or "men won't do certain things with girls they love and respect". Hear this sort of thing enough and I can see how an attitude could form that real love and respect are the opposite of sex. This isn't true. Love, respect and a healthy sexual relationship can happily co-exist. Again you need to look at what your attitudes have been influenced by, and try and separate the influences from fact.

Another thing, if you are repulsed by sexual desire then is it possible that you've chosen a man who you feel no physical attraction to? If you're not attracted to him in that way then that will be increasing your antipathy towards sex.

I could be wrong but I also suspect that you are making excuses not to see a therapist/psychologist/counsellor as you don't really want to confront why you feel this way and what changing your attitudes might mean. However I know from experience that it can be a real help to discuss things with an impartial outsider in a completely confidential environment. They won't judge you, they're there to help you straighten out your thoughts and emotions just like a doctor would help you with physical ailments. Maybe consider giving them a try at least?

LegacyUser

When the OP said this "My last boyfriend was 10 years older than me and i wasnt really in love with him, so sex wasnt a problem because I just allowed him to have sex with me and I didnt like it but I could tolerate it more because we didnt really care about eachother."

I find it absolutely incredibly bizarre. The OP didn't care at all for her last boyfriend yet just had sex with him for the sake of it? And then she makes it out that all men care about is sex yet she is the one who lowered herself to just have sex with a guy she didn't care for. This is really strange and doesn't really add up because if sex makes her feel dirty, surely, SURELY, having sex with someone she didn't care for at all must make her feel really bad?

I'm not a therapist of any sort but my take on it is if the OP was going out with Brad Pitt or Ben Affleck etc I don't think the OP would have a problem having sex, I really think she would enjoy it which leads me to believe that the people she has picked, she has no attraction for whatsoever.

xniamhx

I am absolutely attracted to him, I have always had these attitudes, if anything he has restored a tiny bit of faith in men for me because he is so loving and caring.

I didnt realise my behaviour was THAT abnormal but then again I have to realise that a lot of you are probaly men. I thought more girls would understand where Im coming from.I do understand that maybe I do need to talk to someone about it, all i know is that Im definetely not in a position to do so right now,purely for mental reasons. I couldnt even sit in a room by myself and say these things aloud.
Because if I were to get into all of it with someone, If I ever do, than I would need to get a lot worse before I got better. I dont think I can do that yet. It seems really simple to go to a therapist but I dont see it that way, infact I would rather have sex than talk about it, thats how terrifying talking is.

Anyway,thanks for everyones advice, apart from the people who were being twisted and acting as if im crucifying my boyfriend because I dont enjoy sex. I can feel guilty about that if I choose to, but I could equally say he is crucifying me for wanting to want me to enjoy or have sex.

Sangre

You seem to have a really odd take on the difference between men and women. Believe it or not the majority of both men and women want to and enjoy having sex.

Why else would you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. If you're not intimate or have sex you may as well just be friends with them. I personally can't understand why your boyfriend would even want to have sex with you if he had any idea you hated it so much, maybe he is not as special as you thought.

Fysh

xniamhx wrote: »

I didnt realise my behaviour was THAT abnormal but then again I have to realise that a lot of you are probaly men. I thought more girls would understand where Im coming from.I do understand that maybe I do need to talk to someone about it, all i know is that Im definetely not in a position to do so right now,purely for mental reasons. I couldnt even sit in a room by myself and say these things aloud.

I think you may be confusing two issues : the perhaps more common situation of women with differing sexual appetites to their partners (either greater or lesser) who thus find themselves confronted with the idea of sex as an obligation which either they or their partner feels they have to fulfill, and the situation you are in whereby you cannot reconcile sexual intimacy with emotional intimacy.

The former situation, unfortunately, is common enough, and can in some cases be resolved through honest conversation between the two people involved. The latter situation is, as far as I'm aware, far less common and cannot honestly be described as healthy. This is not something you've done wrong, nor is your issue with sex in any way your fault, but it is a problem for you and the only way it will be properly resolved is to talk to someone about it. You can choose to continue feeling guilty about sex if you want, but the fact that you are asking questions about this suggests that you don't want to be stuck doing so.

I hope that you are able to overcome your fears and speak to a therapist sooner rather than later.

Jack B. Badd

xniamhx wrote: »

I didnt realise my behaviour was THAT abnormal but then again I have to realise that a lot of you are probaly men.

Well, I'm not a man and I have to say that your behaviour is THAT abnormal. Regardless of your issues with sexual intercourse, your opinion of men (and relationships) is extremely low. Your current boyfriend has "restored a tiny bit of faith in men"? If I had so little respect for my boyfriend and his entire gender I wouldn't want him having sex with me either. I think you definitely need to seek professional help with regard to both your misandrist attitudes and sexual hangups as they will hold you back from having a fulfilling relationship with any member of the opposite sex.

xniamhx

xniamhx wrote: »

I am absolutely attracted to him, I have always had these attitudes, if anything he has restored a tiny bit of faith in men for me because he is so loving and caring.

I didnt realise my behaviour was THAT abnormal but then again I have to realise that a lot of you are probaly men. I thought more girls would understand where Im coming from.

Female and not understanding. Sorry. I'd very much second most of the responses here. You do need to talk to someone about it. Sex is not a male thing, it's a people thing and a couple thing, and you sound like you have some serious issues which are certainly not normal by a long shot, no offense. Not just regarding sex but men in general.

Either sort it or continue to have issues with it but don't act like men are the ones with the problems here.

Why else would you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. If you're not intimate or have sex you may as well just be friends with them. I personally can't understand why your boyfriend would even want to have sex with you if he had any idea you hated it so much, maybe he is not as special as you thought.

+1
Also not understanding why you are with someone if you have such a low opinion of them. Don't have a boyfriend just for the sake of it and inflict all this on him.

fits

xniamhx wrote: »

I am absolutely attracted to him, I have always had these attitudes, if anything he has restored a tiny bit of faith in men for me because he is so loving and caring.

And what made you lose that faith in the first place? Men arent really that different from women you know. Most human beings value the same things in life, a healthy sexual relationship being one of them.

I didnt realise my behaviour was THAT abnormal but then again I have to realise that a lot of you are probaly men. I thought more girls would understand where Im coming from.I do understand that maybe I do need to talk to someone about it, all i know is that Im definetely not in a position to do so right now,purely for mental reasons. I couldnt even sit in a room by myself and say these things aloud.

And a lot are probably women too. I cant relate to what you're saying at all. I engage in lovemaking because I want to, I desire it... not out of some weird obligation to a boyfriend. I could never engage sexually with someone unless attraction and intimate connection were there. Now that idea repulses me.
Now what are you afraid of by vocalising your feelings on this matter? Honestly? Why can you not even vocalise them to yourself? Why are you afraid?

A counsellor is a non-judgemental aid to sorting out these things in your head. And also entirely confidential. What makes you think they're 'prying'? Why are you so suspicious and presume the worst of everyone?

I'm asking you all these questions because I do think you need to answer them of yourself.

Because if I were to get into all of it with someone, If I ever do, than I would need to get a lot worse before I got better. I dont think I can do that yet. It seems really simple to go to a therapist but I dont see it that way, infact I would rather have sex than talk about it, thats how terrifying talking is.

But you're also not happy with the way things are, are you? Thats why you posted here.

I can assure you, the reward of a loving intimate sexual relationship *will* be worth the steps required to get there.

Anyway,thanks for everyones advice, apart from the people who were being twisted and acting as if im crucifying my boyfriend because I dont enjoy sex. I can feel guilty about that if I choose to, but I could equally say he is crucifying me for wanting to want me to enjoy or have sex.

Honestly, I dont think you should be having sex with him if you feel this way about it for the time being. I really think you should tell him whats happening, and that you're not happy with the way things are. You're willing to deal with it, but it will require patience on his behalf. If he really is loving and caring, he will be prepared to support you while you get through this.

Best of luck.

Dudess

Female here.

Why - and how - have you had sex at all if it's so repulsive to you? It must be quite uncomfortable - even painful? - when you're so un-turned on.

And yes, why have a boyfriend if the physical side of it is a no-no? The physical side of things is a hugely important - possibly the most important - aspect of a relationship.

The only relationships without sex which seem healthy to me are ones involving asexual people (thread on it here recently) but your boyfriend IS sexual. Plus, I don't think asexual people are even disgusted by it, it simply doesn't stir anything at all in them.


Going to a counsellor is the only answer. You keep saying that's an easy thing to say - but there really isn't anything else to say. What possible other alternative could there be? You just submitting to sex and hating it for the rest of your life? I can't understand how a "great" guy would just accept you lying there and enduring it either.

MagicMarker

Op, if you hurt yourself physically do you go to see a doctor or do you stay at home and ignore the problem until it gets worse?

Your mind is a part of your body, you have some kind of psychological 'disorder' towards anything that involves sexual intimacy. You can't ignore the problem and think everything will go away.

Therapists/psychologists are doctors who specials in these types of issues (issues of the mind), just like a dentist who specializes in teeth, a neurologist specializes in the nervous system etc... They have one thing in common, they are here to HELP you, they are not here to judge. They investigate what's happening, make a diagnosis and proceed with treatment, that treatment could be in the form of a pill or just a conversation.

I understand it's hard for you, but it's hard for everyone, no one wants to sit in a room with a stranger and tell them what you're feeling, but there comes a point when you realize you HAVE to do it if you want to live a happy 'normal' life.

I think you've only come here for reassurance from other women that what you feel is common. You were told on another forum to see a therapist, you didn't like that response so you come here. I'm sorry to tell you, but this is not common, it is extremely uncommon and abnormal and it NEEDS to be brought to the attention of a professional, that is, if you really want to do something about it?

I think you should tell your boyfriend, his support is something you need right now.

Kevster

I disagree that she needs to go to a professional about this 'problem'. Can you guys (and gals) not just accept that some people don't like to have sex? I mean, why is it that whenever someone is different from the norm, that people automatically crop-up and say: 'Go to a doctor - you need help'. The great wonder of life, after all, is diversity.

My view on this situation is that her boyfriend is the problem because he does not seem to understand that his partner (xniamhx) does not like sex. If this is the case, xniamhx, then you must consider whether or not you want to forever be with a person who fails to understand you.

Don't waste your life being with someone who makes you depressed. You don't owe anybody anything and you need to do whatever you want to do in life.

Take care, as always,
Kevin

seahorse

xniamhx wrote: »

I didnt realise my behaviour was THAT abnormal but then again I have to realise that a lot of you are probaly men. I thought more girls would understand where Im coming from.

Well I can tell you two things here: Firstly, I am female; and secondly, of all the women I've ever met the one who probably most ought have your sort of sexual reluctance would be me. Luckily for me, I don’t.

I think you really need to accept that you have a very serious and unusual problem here. It seems clear to me you are comforting yourself by assuring yourself that this is a commonplace thing, but trust me, it isn’t.

Also, please understand that counsellors and therapists certainly do not get any sort of voyeuristic pleasure from hearing about problems such as yours; they are professional people who do what they do for a living.

Whatever you'd rather believe, it is most certainly not usual not to want to love your own man, intimately, with your own body. I must repeat that you really do need help with this and I hope for your own sake that you someday find the courage to ask for it.

Jack B. Badd

Kevster wrote: »

I disagree that she needs to go to a professional about this 'problem'. Can you guys (and gals) not just accept that some people don't like to have sex? I mean, why is it that whenever someone is different from the norm, that people automatically crop-up and say: 'Go to a doctor - you need help'. The great wonder of life, after all, is diversity.

Differing from the norm is one thing. Differing from the norm where it's causing you and/or others harm is something else entirely. The latter indicates sufficient maladjustment to justify professional help.
I also wonder how much she has actually explained to her boyfriend about her condition/attitude. Unless he's fully aware of the situation and is continuing to have sex with her, it is very much her problem rather than his.

Kevster

Well, as far as I'm aware, she has not yet spoken to him much about it because she is scared about what he will think. This is obviously the wrong thing to do but, before even considering going to see a professional, she should talk to him (boyfriend) first.

Kevin

MagicMarker

Kevster wrote: »

I disagree that she needs to go to a professional about this 'problem'. Can you guys (and gals) not just accept that some people don't like to have sex? I mean, why is it that whenever someone is different from the norm, that people automatically crop-up and say: 'Go to a doctor - you need help'. The great wonder of life, after all, is diversity.

My view on this situation is that her boyfriend is the problem because he does not seem to understand that his partner (xniamhx) does not like sex. If this is the case, xniamhx, then you must consider whether or not you want to forever be with a person who fails to understand you.

Don't waste your life being with someone who makes you depressed. You don't owe anybody anything and you need to do whatever you want to do in life.

Take care, as always,
Kevin

I got the impression that her boyfriend doesn't actually know.

As for it not being a problem, sex is all part of being a human being. In fact, most animals on the planet have sex for one reason or another.

If it's not a problem for you, then so long as you can find a partner who feels the same, then fair play. But if it were not a problem for the OP then i don't think she would be posting here in the first place. She said herself she doesn't want to feel like this, the only way to help herself is to speak to someone about it.

Sangre

Kevster wrote: »

I disagree that she needs to go to a professional about this 'problem'. Can you guys (and gals) not just accept that some people don't like to have sex? I mean, why is it that whenever someone is different from the norm, that people automatically crop-up and say: 'Go to a doctor - you need help'. The great wonder of life, after all, is diversity.

My view on this situation is that her boyfriend is the problem because he does not seem to understand that his partner (xniamhx) does not like sex. If this is the case, xniamhx, then you must consider whether or not you want to forever be with a person who fails to understand you.

Don't waste your life being with someone who makes you depressed. You don't owe anybody anything and you need to do whatever you want to do in life.

Take care, as always,
Kevin

Indeed. If there is a relationship between two adults and one doesn't want to have sex, clearly it is the other partners fault because they do want to have sex.

Please join the real world kevster, people have other halves because of the sexual intimacy, otherwise they would just be friends. Do you think it would be normal if a married couple never had sex? Well society wouldn't because it isn't deemed a true marriage as it hasn't been consumated.

Fysh

Kevster wrote: »

I disagree that she needs to go to a professional about this 'problem'. Can you guys (and gals) not just accept that some people don't like to have sex? I mean, why is it that whenever someone is different from the norm, that people automatically crop-up and say: 'Go to a doctor - you need help'. The great wonder of life, after all, is diversity.

My view on this situation is that her boyfriend is the problem because he does not seem to understand that his partner (xniamhx) does not like sex. If this is the case, xniamhx, then you must consider whether or not you want to forever be with a person who fails to understand you.

The OP has stated that this phenomenon of feeling revulsed by sexual contact is not limited to the current boyfriend, but is more intense in her current relationship because it is made worse by the heightened emotional involvement. We don't know whether the BF has been told exactly why the OP doesn't like having sex, but the idea of him being caring and loving is incompatible with the idea of him demanding sex while knowing that it is excruciatingly unpleasant for her.

I don't understand how you can dismiss the idea of someone being made physically ill by the idea of sexual intimacy with someone they are emotionally intimate with as being "a normal part of a diverse world". It is neither healthy nor normal, and projecting the problem onto the boyfriend for having a normal and healthy sexual appetite is to wilfully ignore the root cause of the problem in the hope that doing so will make it go away.

LegacyUser

OP, i disagree with everyone who has said that your problem is "not normal". We all have what others refer to as "not normal" problems however yours is certainly in the minority. I have heard of this before and NO i'm not in the medical sector. What other posters have suggested are good options but tbh a therapist would be a last resort for me. Personally if I was in your shoes, I would take the following steps.

1. Speak to my other half. Yes You're in a relationship (Compromise is necessary) and if its as solid as i believe yours is then perhaps talking about it openly would work out some of the problem.
2. I'd speak to my local GP/Nurse. (For me, I find it easier to speak to a person of the same sex)
3. If 2 isnt an option then i'd speak to a local sexual health nurse. He/She are qualified in the area of your problem but is not a therapist.
4. Finally if nothing else really works then perhaps a Therapist might help. There are so many Therapist qualified in many areas. You just have to find the right one that you are able to talk to and then go from there.

I hope your problem will be resolved soon. You obviously care for your bf and want him to be happy within the relationship and vice versa so talking about any problems you have, should make the relationship stronger.

Good Luck

davyjose

xniamhx wrote: »

or maybe guys dont care as long as they have it

xniamhx wrote: »

im having sex with him so he should just let it be and be happy with that

xniamhx wrote: »

and i try not to judge him for being male

xniamhx wrote: »

Unfortunately it seems to be what 99% of men are all about.

xniamhx wrote: »

Irestored a tiny bit of faith in men for me because he is so loving and caring.

xniamhx wrote: »

I didnt realise my behaviour was THAT abnormal but then again I have to realise that a lot of you are probaly men.

I'm no psychologist, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say you have serious issues about men. In fact, I would say you're attitudes are a disgrace, but it's quite obvious you need help, so I won't.

phaze

xniamhx wrote: »

By caring it only makes it so much more difficult for both of us.I suppose for a long time i had this extremly ridiculous false hope that i could have a relationship with a guy w/o anything repulsive involved.

Making love to your partner is not a repulsive act Niamh. It's beautiful. You are missing out on a natural, healthy and beautiful part of life. For your own sake you really should speak to someone. It doesn't have to be this week but you need to start considering speaking to someone. Give yourself time to adjust to the idea of speaking to someone.

By the way, I'm a lady

Wagon

First off, I'm a bloke. Judging from your comments you made you tar all men with the same brush. There are many men (and a lot of their partners) who'd look at this as being ignorant. I'd agree. It also seems like you haven't told your boyfriend. You ultimately have two options:

1. Get to therapy, or a doctor or someone you can talk to about this. Even just talking will help. It can take a load off your mind. Tell your boyfriend too and I'm sure he'll help you. He's been with you for two years, he must love you.

Or

2. Break up with him. You are abusing him doing what you are at the moment. I noticed that you say he's a lovely bloke and you love him dearly and then go on to say that he's only after one thing, as all men are. This doesn't add up. It's also pretty bloody offensive to people who look past sex for something deeper.

So these pretty much your options. It's up to you which one you take and good luck in whatever one you choose.

seahorse

Unreg4areason wrote: »

3...i'd speak to a local sexual health nurse. He/She are qualified in the area of your problem but is not a therapist.

4. Finally if nothing else really works then perhaps a Therapist might help. There are so many Therapist qualified in many areas. You just have to find the right one that you are able to talk to and then go from there.

Sorry, but with attitudes like the OP's, option 3 would just refer her straight on to option 4.

spinandscribble

i'm a woman and i think you do have a important issue you need to address, head on. theres nothing to be ashamed about admiting you need help. you have a very sterotypical view of men that is plain offensive and giving you an excuse for your problem. you seem to have a vague idea in your head that seems to say men love sex but most of us women just put up with it. WRONG!!!
were you brought up religious? or taught sex was wrong? i think you need to get to the bottom of it.

b3t4

Right, going to a therapist is scary. That's understandable. I bet you hadn't realised but that's a pretty natural reaction. You aren't quite sure if you're opening up a can of worms or not, right? But the thing is that at least they'll be there to help you out. That can of worms exists whether you deal with it or not. What you're sweeping under the carpet will come out at some stage, be assured of that much. The only thing you can really do is control how it's opened. A therapist will help you do that.

Sure a therapist is human but it'd be even stranger to talk to a robot now wouldn't it? How about you don't talk to this therapist? How about you write exactly how you're feeling on paper and give it to them? A therapist will be able to work with you in whatever manner you feel you can deal with. Things will go at your pace and with your say so. A therapist will not force you to talk about things until you are ready to do so.

I really feel for you as I can see that you don't want to feel like this. Why else would you post here? Relationships, love, sex and men (once you get past the farting, that is ) are all wonderful in their own special ways. Sure there are bad relationships, bad love, bad sex and bad men but sure isn't there always balance to life? Without the bad stuff, we wouldn't have an iota what the good stuff is.

I hope you find help for how you're feeling, I really do, as it really saddens me to hear how you feel about sex. Sex isn't called making love for nothing you know

(If this helps you to know, I'm female.)

A.

DublinWriter

Kevster wrote: »

I disagree that she needs to go to a professional about this 'problem'. Can you guys (and gals) not just accept that some people don't like to have sex? I mean, why is it that whenever someone is different from the norm, that people automatically crop-up and say: 'Go to a doctor - you need help'. The great wonder of life, after all, is diversity.

I'd concur with this completely.

More worrying still is the numerous advice to seek out a counselor/therapist.

The well-meaning in these fora tend to be blissfully ignorant to the fact that these are completely unlicensed professions in these isles - I could nail brass shingles to my front gate in the morning and declare myself open for business as a 'therapist' and there's nothing anyone or any professional body could do about it.

...just a word of advice/warning.

MagicMarker

DublinWriter wrote: »

I'd concur with this completely.

More worrying still is the numerous advice to seek out a counselor/therapist.

The well-meaning in these fora tend to be blissfully ignorant to the fact that these are completely unlicensed professions in these isles - I could nail brass shingles to my front gate in the morning and declare myself open for business as a 'therapist' and there's nothing anyone or any professional body could do about it.

...just a word of advice/warning.

Maybe you should take a trip over to the conspiracies forum then? Because i fail to see what point you're trying to make here?

Are you saying the OP shouldn't seek professional help because there are some frauds out there? What course of action would you suggest?

DublinWriter

MagicMarker wrote: »

Maybe you should take a trip over to the conspiracies forum then? Because i fail to see what point you're trying to make here?

Ok - Ladybird version for you - unlike most countries, the therapy/counseling industries in this country does not require a professional licence and remains unregulated by any meaningful professional bodies.

Craft25

I agree with 99.9% of what other replies have said about how much of a problem this is and of an unhealthy perception of men, but i don't think people should beat the OP up over this, we dont walk in her shoes, and we dont know quite how this issue has developed... i just dont think its helpful to put her on the defensive when she is reaching out..

OP i think you should definitely seek a counsellor... the first time i went to one in my late teens/early 20's i had such a mental block over that first step that it almost seemed physical... like an invisible wall.. i dont know where this feeling came from, but the aura around therapists was you go there to "fix" a problem.. now i look at it as I am taking counsel to improve myself and my life for me and those around me... flipped it, its a positive process, not the fixing of a negative..

Try not to think of going to a therapist as proof that there is something wrong with you, its not true... its just you can now see that if you are able to navigate this impass then you and your fella may create an even better, even happier, even stronger, even more intimate and even more fun and open relationship

BTW.. people often describe the instant relief the first time they told everything to a therapist, the weight off their shoulders and how that alone was enough for them... it may work like this for you, but it didnt for me, so dont get disheartened if it doesnt it can often take a good bit of work.. persistence will pay off

Craft25

DublinWriter wrote: »

I'd concur with this completely.

More worrying still is the numerous advice to seek out a counselor/therapist.

The well-meaning in these fora tend to be blissfully ignorant to the fact that these are completely unlicensed professions in these isles - I could nail brass shingles to my front gate in the morning and declare myself open for business as a 'therapist' and there's nothing anyone or any professional body could do about it.

...just a word of advice/warning.

ask your doctor for a referral, you dont have to spill all to him just ask for a reference..

MagicMarker

DublinWriter wrote: »

Ok - Ladybird version for you - unlike most countries, the therapy/counseling industries in this country does not require a professional licence and remains unregulated by any meaningful professional bodies.

Again, what else would you suggest to the OP? Other than scaremongering of course.

DublinWriter

MagicMarker wrote: »

Again, what else would you suggest to the OP? Other than scaremongering of course.

Professional psychotherapy via a qualified psychologist who is licenced by the state to practice.

If I have a toothache, I'll visit a dentist who will have at least a BDS degree. If I have a problem with my general health, I'll go and see a GP who's someone with a medical degree *and* qualified via the ICGP.

The Sweeper

Would you like to have a normal sex life, where you make love with a man you're attracted to a few times a week on terms that suit both of you?

Is the above concept utterly alien to you, because you believe all men think with their penises and as a result sex simply feels like one more thing you have to do for your partner?

There are a lot of respondents on this thread shouting "Abnormal!" at the OP. That is not a helpful word. If the OP has a sex drive at all herself, if she recognises her own libido and is not repulsed or ashamed of that in herself, then it's not her attitude to sex she needs to address - it's her attitude to men.

I know someone who believes men are stupid, insensitive, ignorant bullies who think with their crotches. She thinks sex is revolting and that mens' need for sex is proof of their weakness, their shallowness of character. She cannot see any correlation between a man who wants her for her mind and her intelligence (important to her) and that translating into him wanting her physically (back to 'Huh, ALL men want that, he's just another MAAAAAN').

While there are a lot of Irish women who have undoubtedly been brow-beaten with the notion that the act of sex is shameful, you'll find more of them have been indoctrinated to believe that if a man really loves you, somehow he won't want to have sex with you. It's a belief that when you are cherished you are somehow untouchable, and his worship of you will not include the debasing sexual act.

Where did it come from, this idea that a man's sex drive is somehow a base, disrespectful instinct that slyly governs all of his actions? God knows, but I find it deep-seated in anyone I know who has a less-than-healthy sex life.

There are hoardes of women out there who have a libido, have skin-hunger, who love to cuddle and hug and adore closeness, but who stop short of actual sexual touching, because they can't get by the idea that sex is a chore, it's a sign of disrespect - they think he'd rather screw than listen to you talk about your day (as opposed to realising that he'd quite happily do both).

It boils down to this:

OP, there's nothing wrong with the fact that your other half would like to have a sexual relationship with you. It doesn't mean he sees you as an object. It doesn't mean he thinks you're useful for only one thing. There's no need to be resentful of a 'typical man' who gets aroused regularly. Male arousal isn't something to fear, or sneer at.

You need to investigate your attitude to men, more than anything else.