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Do you believe asexuality exists?
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17-09-2008 12:31pm#1
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No i do not personally believe people are asexual.
I believe you have desexualised yourself: for whatever reason you have disconnected emotionally and physically from your sexual self.
THis is something you will have to explore yourself and with proper guidance to see where it stems from.
Your talking of disgust following sexual encounters is a really strong indication that you have ruthlessly supressed your sexuality or have had it supressed for you... it is not in fact disgust at teh men, but at yourself in reality. For whatever reason, it is because something has happened and not a natural occurrance
If you were consciously celibate and happy with that, then you would not really be here. But its obvious you have doubts
In acknowledging this to yourself, you have taken the first step in resolving it.
Continue the process
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And why I mentioned being repelled - if you had a guy you had only just begun to know, all over your personal space, taking over all the bed, snoring loudly, kinda stinky after it all - wouldn't you be a tiny bit turned off too? Lol!
Well, I'm a guy, but if I was with a girl in the same situation, I wouldn't be turned off. I wouldn't be surprised if she turned out to hog the bed or be a bit sweaty after the deed. I'd probably go in for seconds.
I've also encountered a person like this, it was just a way of not dealing with unresolved issues.I've come across a couple people who claimed at one stage to be asexual. Usually it was an attempt on their part not to deal with sexual feelings.
I think you should get counselling and explore these issues0 -
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I said it was my beliefWhy do you draw this conclusion that I have supressed my sexuality? How do you know I have supressed it rather than it not being there at all? I'm not arguing with you, I just am trying to figure it out - how can you/I know this?
... its hard to draw definitive conclusions from online
But in looking at what you have written OP.They have suggested I get therapy because they think my parent's relationship (which was not good) may have affected me.
and the feelings of disgust that you felt in sexual encounters are some evidence of the possibility.
Everyone is born an inherently sexual person OP, its what happens to us that determines where it goes.
So from that aspect it is repressing your desires..the reasons i dont know..only you can detremine thatWhy do you believe everyone is a sexual being, Mark?
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The quote above about being born inherently sexual dudess and it being how we are influenced as we develop and become more aware whether that sexuality is expressed or repressed
However, to go into a discussion here may drag this slowly but surely off topic. nature versus nurture and all that 0 -
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OK IMHO, May I respectfully disagree with pretty much all of that.No i do not personally believe people are asexual.
I believe you have desexualised yourself: for whatever reason you have disconnected emotionally and physically from your sexual self.
THis is something you will have to explore yourself and with proper guidance to see where it stems from.
Your talking of disgust following sexual encounters is a really strong indication that you have ruthlessly supressed your sexuality or have had it supressed for you... it is not in fact disgust at teh men, but at yourself in reality. For whatever reason, it is because something has happened and not a natural occurrance
If you were consciously celibate and happy with that, then you would not really be here. But its obvious you have doubts
In acknowledging this to yourself, you have taken the first step in resolving it.
Continue the process
Just because you are a sexual being does not mean everyone is. Not by a long shot. Clearly your bag tends to be sexuality, tantra etc and fair play. It wouldn't be my bag, I would consider it hocus pocus and imagination mostly and that's fair play to me too. I could even call it as an over compensation for a skewed early sex life where people try to find meaning in the bloody obvious. That would be equally wrong of me. I work on the simple principle of whatever floats your boat and just because it may not float my boat, it doesn't mean it's wrong for another person.
Your view would not be that far removed from someone saying "No i do not personally believe people are homosexual, and the reason they go for the same sex is because they desexualised themselves to the opposite sex". Which would clearly be utter nonsense.
If society in the morning decided that homosexuality was the "norm", I'm sure I would feel uncomfortable after such an encounter. Same if a gay bloke was trying to fit in by sleeping with a woman. Would he be repressing his true sexuality? Would that guy be "disgusted at himself" because his sexuality is not mainstream. Eh that would be a no to both then.
Asexuality is more common than people realise. It just happens to be part of the rainbow and sliding scale of human sexuality. Ive known men and women with very variable sex drives. Some very high some very low. Indeed in my experience I would say beyond the bravado and the expectations that we should be at it like gimped up rabbits, a large proportion of people are actually quite low level about sex. Fair enough too. I could only see that as a problem where there was a mismatch between partners.
I would only take real issue if it was disturbing the OP. From what I'm reading the main issue she has is that the expectation that she should dig it more is getting to her. She has gone to therapy and so far it did nothing for her. Maybe try another run at it, get a medical/hormonal check just to rule that out. And if it all comes back that you're "normal" and you're truly happy within yourself(as much as any of us can be) then don't worry too much about it IMHO.
Things can change overnight or you may meet a guy(or gal) that is at the same level as you. You may be surprised enough to find that would not be that unusual. An ex GF of mine was not far from your level of sexual need. She loved the cuddling etc but the sex part was for my benefit. She had orgasms etc, but just wasn't that pushed. I found out from her latterly that she's been with a guy for 5 years now and he's the same and they're both happy.
OP seek your own path that makes you content.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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Of courseOK IMHO, May I respectfully disagree with pretty much all of that. .Just because you are a sexual being does not mean everyone is. Not by a long shot. Clearly your bag tends to be sexuality, tantra etc and fair play. It wouldn't be my bag, I would consider it hocus pocus and imagination mostly and that's fair play to me too. I could even call it as an over compensation for a skewed early sex life where people try to find meaning in the bloody obvious. That would be equally wrong of me. I work on the simple principle of whatever floats your boat and just because it may not float my boat, it doesn't mean it's wrong for another person..
No i would disagree, we are born inherently sexual, i would disgaree that its purely a gene driven function too and that all we do thereafter is taken from that context.
Its also too bleak a world view IMO
I agree, its utter nonsense, as its not my view.Your view would not be that far removed from someone saying "No i do not personally believe people are homosexual, and the reason they go for the same sex is because they desexualised themselves to the opposite sex". Which would clearly be utter nonsense. ..
It would in fact be yes.If society in the morning decided that homosexuality was the "norm", I'm sure I would feel uncomfortable after such an encounter. Same if a gay bloke was trying to fit in by sleeping with a woman. Would he be repressing his true sexuality? Would that guy be "disgusted at himself" because his sexuality is not mainstream. Eh that would be a no to both then..
If society decided homosexuality was the norm you would feel uncomfortable because you would be repressing your nature.
Yes a gay man may very well be repressing his sexuality by fitting into what is belived ie heterosexual.
But your argument is contradictory. He very well may feel disgusted with himself becasue he has not come to terms with his sexual nature.
Or am i missing the point?Asexuality is more common than people realise. It just happens to be part of the rainbow and sliding scale of human sexuality. Ive known men and women with very variable sex drives. Some very high some very low. Indeed in my experience I would say beyond the bravado and the expectations that we should be at it like gimped up rabbits, a large proportion of people are actually quite low level about sex. Fair enough too. I could only see that as a problem where there was a mismatch between partners. .
Hang on sex drive and being asexual are two different things surely. Sex drive is just that... your desire to have sex.
Being asexual is a matter of having no sexuality..thats a different matter.
So there is confusion here in what the terms mean..unless i have totally lost the run of myself.I would only take real issue if it was disturbing the OP. From what I'm reading the main issue she has is that the expectation that she should dig it more is getting to her. She has gone to therapy and so far it did nothing for her. Maybe try another run at it, get a medical/hormonal check just to rule that out. And if it all comes back that you're "normal" and you're truly happy within yourself(as much as any of us can be) then don't worry too much about it IMHO. .
I believe it is worrying her Wibbs. Its more complex as yes the pressure to conform and fake it til you make it is there which aint going to work.
But i do agree with your last statement but that will require IMO a real good look at where its all stemming from.Things can change overnight or you may meet a guy(or gal) that is at the same level as you. You may be surprised enough to find that would not be that unusual. An ex GF of mine was not far from your level of sexual need. She loved the cuddling etc but the sex part was for my benefit. She had orgasms etc, but just wasn't that pushed. I found out from her latterly that she's been with a guy for 5 years now and he's the same and they're both happy. .
look i think boston put it better: the string negative sexual reactions are not those of someone "asexual" or with a low sex drive. Its *indicative* of something more.
Cuddles etc are in my mind more about intimacy.OP seek your own path that makes you content.
THAT we can agree on.
Edit: I think i aluded to it in a previous post and as you have mentioned it yourself i will reiterate. I do not believe that there is necessarily anything "wrong" with you or that it needs "fixing".
If you can exlude possible reasonings then it would less doubt and you would be sure in going where you want to go0 -
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Join Date:Posts: 59144
Forgetting about the gene driven function for the moment or the reasons for our sexualities, I would disagree that all people are inherently sexual. Or at least their sexuality and their need for expression of that sexuality varies a lot. A hell of a lot. We could argue that about many areas of the human condition. We're a social animal yet many are very social yet others are not social at all.No i would disagree, we are born inherently sexual, i would disgaree that its purely a gene driven function too and that all we do thereafter is taken from that context.
Its also too bleak a world view IMO
It is not disimilar a comparison. If we can accept that asexuality is a possible point on the curve of human sexual response then it is as valid a sexuality(or lack of it) as heterosexuality or homosexuality.I agree, its utter nonsense, as its not my view.
I think so. I'm saying that if asexuality is someone's nature then they are supressing their nature by attempting to have sex to "fit in".It would in fact be yes.
If society decided homosexuality was the norm you would feel uncomfortable because you would be repressing your nature.
Yes a gay man may very well be repressing his sexuality by fitting into what is belived ie heterosexual.
But your argument is contradictory. He very well may feel disgusted with himself becasue he has not come to terms with his sexual nature.
Or am i missing the point?
Asexuality could be defined as not having sexual thoughts about other people, regardless of gender. Sex drive would be the requirement to express whatever sexuality one has. If I have no sex drive at all, I would be by definition asexual. Being asexual however one may have the rare need to express the physical release just with no person or gender in particular. The two overlap in many ways. If there is a wide range of sexuality then it would not be strange to suppose that in that range the opposite might occur.
Hang on sex drive and being asexual are two different things surely. Sex drive is just that... your desire to have sex.
Being asexual is a matter of having no sexuality..thats a different matter.
It may be worrying the OP for many reasons. Failure to conform, worry that she's not "normal" etc. You could find the same feelings in someone who realises they're attracted to same sex partners. Not so long ago this could be a thread in reply to just such a person.I believe it is worrying her Wibbs. Its more complex as yes the pressure to conform and fake it til you make it is there which aint going to work.
Agreed, but my point is that after all that exploration she may simply find that she's not a sexual being to the degree that is all too often touted by the media and society. More power to her if she is.But i do agree with your last statement but that will require IMO a real good look at where its all stemming from.
I don't agree. This is where we part company in opinion. This is why I used the gay guy analogy. I as a hetrosexual male would have a strong negative sexual reaction to male homosexual sex if I ended up in that situation(hell I don't even get off on lesbian sex. Strange but true:)). All that is indicative of is that I'm hetrosexual. I'm not repressed or in need of therapy or anything else. Most would agree with that. If asexuality is a defined sexuality then I would expect an asexual person to have a similar negative sexual reaction to sex regardless of gender.look i think boston put it better: the string negative sexual reactions are not those of someone "asexual" or with a low sex drive. Its *indicative* of something more.
As is sex. Indeed I would be wired that feels sex is the ultimate intimacy(with the right person). I couldn't be fully intimate with someone without sex. As I say that's me and I can fully understand and appreciate others would be different in that.Cuddles etc are in my mind more about intimacy.
True.:)THAT we can agree on.
Now because this is causing the OP worry it is good that she is exploring this, but after all of that she may find that this is just the way she is. Many of us celebrate that today we can express our sexuality with far more freedom than the past. I would say we should also celebrate the freedom not to if we don't want to or it is not our natural state and not to be considered out of bounds if we don't.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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You see the difference here is more basic Wibbs.
The question is: do you believe that people can be asexual.
You do, I don't.
I simply feel its yet another label that people will fit themselves into and for some unknown reason everyone likes labels because perhaps it gives them a sense of knowing who they are..or being told by someone else thats who they are
I do believe that sexuality is part and parcel of the human condition its how it develops on essentially from childhood or is allowed to develop that determines what it is and where it goes, and that includes all aspects of what can affect sexuality. Now that does run the whole gamut of range of expression from excess to nil.
This is what concerns me: A new potentially fad label appears that catches the vox pop ? imagination. People come along tick a few boxes decide they are "asexual" based on this, have something to point at and say its ok i am asexual and may be neatly sidestepping issues and storing up for later.
Thanks for clarifying the earlier points btw. I am still not entirely convinced about the disgust, but i can see your view. Neatly mentioned with the sex and intimacy..you are well aware that i come from that stance but i was thinking more along the lines of the comfort zone type intimacy rather than progression..my failure to write clearly.
I would not have in issue in anyone expressing or non-expressing their sexuality in any form whatsoever as long as it comes from a conscious viewpoint. Until the article shown, the OP was not aware for example that such a term existed and may very well hav edecided that that was that end of story.
All factors should be explored and excluded if it is cause for concern, then the OP can say yes I am expressing this because it is who I am.
Then yes, if it is her natural state of non-sexual expression then indeed she can be happy with it and sod what society thinks0 -
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Well seeing as the OP and another person here, as well as the guy interviewed in that Guardian feature, all say they masturbate, to me that implies they are actually sexual people - in terms of seeking sexual gratification/pleasure... just not with anyone else.You see the difference here is more basic Wibbs.
The question is: do you believe that people can be asexual.
You do, I don't.
I simply feel its yet another label that people will fit themselves into and for some unknown reason everyone likes labels because perhaps it gives them a sense of knowing who they are..or being told by someone else thats who they are
I do believe that sexuality is part and parcel of the human condition its how it develops on essentially from childhood or is allowed to develop that determines what it is and where it goes, and that includes all aspects of what can affect sexuality. Now that does run the whole gamut of range of expression from excess to nil.
This is what concerns me: A new potentially fad label appears that catches the vox pop ? imagination. People come along tick a few boxes decide they are "asexual" based on this, have something to point at and say its ok i am asexual and may be neatly sidestepping issues and storing up for later.
Thanks for clarifying the earlier points btw. I am still not entirely convinced about the disgust, but i can see your view. Neatly mentioned with the sex and intimacy..you are well aware that i come from that stance but i was thinking more along the lines of the comfort zone type intimacy rather than progression..my failure to write clearly.
I would not have in issue in anyone expressing or non-expressing their sexuality in any form whatsoever as long as it comes from a conscious viewpoint. Until the article shown, the OP was not aware for example that such a term existed and may very well hav edecided that that was that end of story.
All factors should be explored and excluded if it is cause for concern, then the OP can say yes I am expressing this because it is who I am.
Then yes, if it is her natural state of non-sexual expression then indeed she can be happy with it and sod what society thinks
So I can see where you're coming from now, Mark.
Maybe the term "asexual" is a misnomer though, as that implies they don't have any sexual feelings whatsoever.0 -
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Well OP, we wouldn't try to convince gay people to turn straight (unless we were bigoted loons) because we agree that it's perfectly possible to lead a sexually and romantically fulfilled life as a gay person. Religious people, then again, choose celibacy so as to be able to concentrate their whole selves into their relationship with God. So while they renounce sexuality, they do replace it with something. Now if you do consciously omit sexuality from your life, you can live a very fulfilled life in lots of ways but it does seem a little like you won't be replacing one sexuality with another or with anything else, you will simply have a gap there. Like trivial pursuit with 5 wedges instead of 6.
Now this may be fine and maybe you will come to the conclusion that it is fine for you, you won't miss what you've never had. Again, not many people go through life keeping all the wedges on the go at the same time (fulfilment in career, family, friends, health, etc, sexuality is only one aspect of fulfilment). But to overextend the metaphor, going through life you can land on the sexuality question again and again and maybe when the time is right and the question is right you'll know the answer and win the chip
So I think don't close yourself off to the idea of sex, explore that forbidden fruit fantasy (maybe with a more specialized therapist?) and get in touch with people out there (there must be a support group on the internet somewhere?) for support even while your still exploring the possibilities.0 -
Hi OP,
I can well understand how confusing this must be for you. In fact, I felt the very same way for a rather long time. Until I fell in love. Head over heals. I had never expected this to happen, and when you hear about all these stories of puppy love etc, you might be inclined to either not believe in love or to believe that the emotion was blown way out of proportion by people. I thought it was the latter. This and my lack of sexual desire of any kind (apart from masturbation) made me think I was asexual. Then I fell. And deeply so. And no more thoughts of asexuality whatsoever.
So, I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you ever been deeply in love with someone? I think this is more indicative than anything else. If you have, and you still had no sexual desire, then I would be inclined to think you are indeed asexual. Otherwise, you might simply not have met the right person. Not everybody falls in love easily. 0 -
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