Ex-boyfriend going out with very close friend

munchies

Hi All,

Just want opinions please be honest.

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years about five months ago. He was my first serious bf and we were extremely close. He was a great bf ,very loving but things moving very fast and I felt there was something missing so I decided to break up as felt like I was lying to him by staying together.

A member of my family died last year and he was great, his whole family great. After break up we gave each other space but with the understanding we would try and be friends. Met up a few times was very good but tried to keep a certain distance. Then 3 mths after break up a member of his family died. It was a huge shock I was back in his life in a big way because he needed me and while we were more than just friends I wasn't ready to get back together. We talked pretty much every day and really cared about one another. I'm saying this to illustrate how close we were - this was a real friendship not the usual lets stay friends after two people break up. Two weeks ago I left Ireland to spend a year abroad. I found out last week that within a day or two of me leaving he asks out a close friend of mine, who was a casual friend of his and now they are going out. I feel completely betrayed both by the close 'friend' and by him.

Its really eating me up. I no longer want anything to do with her but I still care about him. Its not the fact that he is going out with someon but the fact that the someone was a close friend of mine. He tells me he still loves me (as friend i imagine) and this shouldn't affect our reltionship but I feel completely betrayed. Did he honestly think this wouldn't hurt me or did he just not care about my feelings. The girl he is now going out with told me I'm just being selfish. If by selfish you mean thinking about my feelings then yes thats true I am thinking about my feelings. I cant help it I feel emotions too. I genuinely tried to be happy for him but I'm just too hurt and angry.

To demonstrate how strange this is he kissed me on the lips in front of her a few days before asking her out. I know he is lonely and grieving but I would never do that to him, I would never go out with one of his friends or even flirt with them. He meant so much to be me I would never hurt him like that. Am I going a bit mad, is this a real or imagined greivance? The way I'm feeling now is ten time worse than after we broke up. Maybe because I was so sure we would still be friends we never had a proper break up and now all the emotions are hitting really hard, I dont know? I cant sleep or eat properly this is driving me mad. Please feel free to share opinions. Have you gone through this yourself? Were you one of the three parties involved? I need to get over this I know that, I just dont know how.

mud

maybe the fact that you're away from home is making this into a bigger ordeal for you? Unfortunately once people are in the ex category it's completely up to them who they choose to have a relationship with, it's such a pity that it was your friend who ended up with him but maybe they have a good connection that they want to pursue, that perhaps they weren't pursuing while you were around out of respect to you?

Tar.Aldarion

You broke up with him. I don't see why the two can't go out. If you broke up with him you don't love him, he is a friend. Two of your friends are going out. I can see why it hurt you but I think it is over reacting to just say screw the girl as a friend and such.

Gyalist

You broke up with him and yet you seem to have expected him to put his life on hold while you made up your mind. I'm afraid that life doesn't work that way. Put your energies into make new friends and enjoying your year away. If you do that you'll be over him much quicker than you imagine.

skittle_fingers

munchies wrote: »

Its really eating me up. I no longer want anything to do with her but I still care about him.

the fact that you seem to be blaming her and holding him up as totally innocent (when he asked her out) would say to me that you've still got feeling for the guy. (just one chick's opinion here, kay?) it's great that you were able to keep a close friendship after a long relationship, but if it really is jsut a friendship, you'll have to let this hurt go and let him date. if that happens to be a friend, it sucks, but he probably thought you guys were doing so well as friends, that it'd be ok. (on the other hand, if this girl was so close to you, it might've been nice if they'd okayed it with you before they hooked up)
my advice is try and get past it, or you'll lose 2 people close to you. you're away at the mo you said,so that gives you the chance to put some distance between you and the situation, literally and emotionally. you won't run the risk of bumping into them until you get home, by which time hopefully you'll have been able to deal with it yourself.

munchies

The point I was trying to make is that its not that he's seeing someone else but seeing a close friend of mine. He told me he went out a few times with a girl from college and I was genuinely happy for him.

The reason I'm upset is that I thought we were friends and in order to maintain that friendship I believed that there was certain things you didn't do, going out with one of my close friends was one of them.

I wasn't asking him to wait for me. I actually told him that I didn't think we could be a couple again so that he would not wait for me! There are different types of love, just because you break up with someone doesn't necessarily mean that you dont love them anymore, I really wish it were that easy.

I guess what I was trying to get at is the question '(a) is it ok to go out with an ex's close friend?' and if so (b) 'is it resonable to expect that ex to remain a friend?'. Clearly those who have replied so far believe that the answere to question (a) at least is yes. I respect all opinions.

GuanYin

When an ex starts seeing someone you don't know, it is very easy to be judgemental about them because you don't know them. It gives you some distance and it gives you time to deal with the chance they might work out. When an ex starts seeing a friend, you already know what your ex is getting so it tends to highlight insecurities in yourself.

I don't think there is a rule, especially when you broke up with him. I think it would be a definite no-no if he had broken up with you. As it is, it may be distasteful, but you didn't want him, he is obviously attracted to and connecting with your friend, so why can't they be happy together?

Actually that is a good question for you.

You would like him to be happy. Aside from this issue, you obviously think the girl is a good person or you wouldn't call her a "close friend".

Why wouldn't you want two people you care about to be together if you think they are both good people and it would mean they might both be happy?

If you aren't being selfish, then you should be happy about this. Of course, there is nothing wrong with being selfish, it is human nature, but at least be honest with your friends and yourself about it.

Drift

Hey munchies. I know it probably hurts but when you think of it you and your ex clearly get on well with each other as did you and your friend. It's unsurprising really that your ex and your friend also enjoy each other's company. If he's the great person you say he is then he'll make a good boyfriend to your mate.

I think it's a certainty that you still have some sort of feelings for him but what you need to sort out in your own head is whether these feelings are just you grieving for your lost relationship or romantic feelings for your ex. If they are the first then although it might hurt to see the two of them enjoying themselves it'll pass in time whereas if it's the second you might need to give them a wide bearth for a while so you can get over your ex.

Either way I think you can't do much about the two of them. It would've been nice for them to clear it with you first but only as a formality. From what you're saying they're both nice people and just get along well together so why wouldn't they go for it.

MJOR

of course it hurts but you are all entitled to move on. You don't want to be with him so just let it go. Who knows where the relationship will go anyway? It's early stages.

daveharnett

munchies wrote: »

I guess what I was trying to get at is the question '(a) is it ok to go out with an ex's close friend?' and if so (b) 'is it resonable to expect that ex to remain a friend?'. Clearly those who have replied so far believe that the answere to question (a) at least is yes. I respect all opinions.

Can you give reasons why you think this pair shouldn't see one another?

As far as I can see, you decided you wanted this guy as a friend instead of as a boyfriend. Now two of your friends are going out.

munchies

Why shouldn't they see one another?

Well rightly or wrongly I dont believe that you should go out with an ex's close friend and I dont thing a genuine friend would go out with a friends ex.

People on this board seem to think otherwise but I would be interested to know from people who have been in this situation and generally felt happy for the ex and the friend?

I'm not trying to defend my anger I am actually trying to get rid of it. I know feeling like this isn't healthy.

FX Meister

You threw him back. Let your mate be happy.

boarddotie

I think you have every right to be angry, you mentioned that the girl was a 'close friend' so presumably you would have confided in her about the ex and the breakup. So i genuniely think there is a conflict of interest there on her part. Sorry to say this but a genuine 'close friend' wouldnt have done this to you...

MIN2511

Ah i dunno tbh, she's a mate and she knew when ye were dating. My mates exes/ex mates are always never go areas!!!
I remember a few of my bf's mates asking me on dates and i was disappointed and thought they were disloyal but then again it's difficult.


Look at it this way, you are away so you can't see anything! Stay away from their fbook/bebo pages better still delete them as friends. Move on with your life(its difficult but you have no other option)
And enjoy your time abroad...

munchies

That is exactly how I feel. I form two types of relationships, weak relationships and very strong relationships. I would have trusted her completely. I even gave her a box of love letters he wrote me because I was afraid my siblings would read them if I brought them home and I didnt want to bring them away with me yet I didnt see the point in throwing them away, they were good memories. Now every memory I had with her and with him is tainted, I feel like I never knew either of them.

GuanYin

I still think you should ask yourself why if you like them both, you think they shouldn't be together out of some arcane sense of loyalty to you.

Just "because that is how it is" isn't really an answer.

You don't want to be with him, but despite the fact you think they are both great people, you don't want them to get together?

Shouldn't you want your close friends to be with great people?

MIN2511

GuanYin wrote: »

I still think you should ask yourself why if you like them both, you think they shouldn't be together out of some arcane sense of loyalty to you.

Just "because that is how it is" isn't really an answer.

You don't want to be with him, but despite the fact you think they are both great people, you don't want them to get together?

Shouldn't you want your close friends to be with great people?

Not her ex!!!!!!! There are other great people out there.....

I do understand your point but that doesn't mean it wont hurt the OP. She's only human after all:)

GuanYin

MIN2511 wrote: »

Not her ex!!!!!!! There are other great people out there.....

I do understand your point but that doesn't mean it wont hurt the OP. She's only human after all:)

An ex by choice.

She is effectively saying "I don't want him but noone else can have him".

It seems that he would like to be with her but she doesn't want that. So he has an interest in someone she is friends with and she opposes that. She is talking about what makes her happy yet on two counts, she's more concerned with her happiness than anyone elses (the break up, which is fair, the best friend, which isn't imo).

I've been in the situation, it certainly causes lots of second thoughts, doubts and insecurites, which is what the "hurt" really is. But is there or should there be some sort of tribal law to stop it?

My opinion is that if you end a relationship, you have no rights on pulling emotional heartstrings on who he dates. You had your chance, you passed on it so if there is a problem it is your issue not his.

Karen_*

OP its a total sickner really. I understand why you feel the way you do and I have to say I'd be very wary of going near a friends ex even if my friend were the one who broke it off. It seems wrong. But it isn't wrong. Not technically anyways. Not what you'd want in a best friend to be honest.

There's nothing you can do about it for starters. Let it run its course, I'd bet its a rebound but even if it turns out something more then you just have to suck it up I'm afraid.

It wasn't a fantastic move by your friend I have to say. But he really can do what he likes. You broke up with him and he doesn't have to be careful not to step on your toes.

MIN2511

GuanYin wrote: »

An ex by choice.

She is effectively saying "I don't want him but noone else can have him".

It seems that he would like to be with her but she doesn't want that. So he has an interest in someone she is friends with and she opposes that. She is talking about what makes her happy yet on two counts, she's more concerned with her happiness than anyone elses (the break up, which is fair, the best friend, which isn't imo).

I've been in the situation, it certainly causes lots of second thoughts, doubts and insecurites, which is what the "hurt" really is. But is there or should there be some sort of tribal law to stop it?

My opinion is that if you end a relationship, you have no rights on pulling emotional heartstrings on who he dates. You had your chance, you passed on it so if there is a problem it is your issue not his.

I do understand your point.

It's hard seeing your ex move on, it's worse if the person he's dating is a friend of yours!

Some people can handle i and others can't.

BeardyGit

I can never understand what the hell people are thinking when they convince themselves that going out with a friends ex, friends going out with your ex etc etc is some kind of a bad thing. It's like you people pick it up in 6th class in primary school, around the same time you start asking your friends to go ask that fella/girl to get off with you.... Bloody hell.

These people are ex's for a reason. Either you or your ex didn't put in the work and effort to build a relationship strong enough to stand up to lifes challenges. Or maybe you found something was missing that you just couldn't add to the mix. So, it's over. The reasons why don't actually matter - They become excuses and crutches for you to use when you won't face up to the simple truth.... You're the ex. It didn't work. Time to move on.

Like it or not, you don't get a say now. Feel agrieved. Take the fictitious high-ground and turn to that bitter old school-yard lemon, "You just don't do that to a friend". But understand that you are now further down the list of priorities than you once were. You're the ex first, not the friend. The ex. You can be 'friend' too, but that comes after 'ex' in their head, especially when it comes to their new squeeze. You want to get concert tickets with a big gang of tag-along friends? Sure, you can probably be the friend. You want to mumble something about their new partner? You're the ex. You getting this yet?

So, take the year out, and enjoy it. Don't waste your time trying to blame your ex (you know, the lad YOU dumped) and your friend for getting on with their year and enjoying it together. Don't bother trying to console yourself with this rubbish that it might be short lived, that it can't possibly last, or whatever other crap you might be tempted to believe. You don't know how it's going to work out for them, and to be brutally honest, it's absolutely NONE of your business. So, think about your own next move. Think about what you're going to take from the year away. Let their lives play out the way they do, but take control of your own.

Cut the crap, stop moping about, get out and find somebody new. You made the decision already to move on, and you're just clinging onto YOUR EX for safety and comfort. Don't chicken out now. You made the decision to move on before, and only unfortunate circumstance has caused you to waver. Listen up - Life goes on, and it'll wait for nobody. So, What are you going to do? Wait a year to see what happens when you get back? That's a WASTED and LOST YEAR. You might as well stay at home. These two folks are not going to wait for you (that should be quite clear by now) and why should they?

Get your arse in gear and spread yourself around a bit. You never know where you're going to bump into someone new, someone who might light a whole new kind of fire inside you. But sitting around pissing on two people you claim mean a lot to you is a recipe for misery and bitter loss of YEARS from your life. So, what are you going to do?

Dudess

I don't think it matters whether the OP broke up with him or not, what's hurting her is not the fact that he has a new girlfriend but the girlfriend is a close friend of hers. I fully understand how she feels betrayed.

OP, did your friend not even have the decency to tell you things were developing between them?

At the same time, you can't stop him from going out with her, and some women do talk about the unspoken rule of never going out with a friend's ex, but that's more of an ideal world thing. You can't break them up so you need to move on and not let it eat you up (difficult and all as that is). But as I said, I can understand why you feel so upset.

GuanYin wrote: »

She is effectively saying "I don't want him but noone else can have him".

GuanYin, I would be more of the impression that she is saying anyone else but her close friends can have him.

I agree she has no claim on him now but jeez... a good friend ending up with him - that's gotta hurt. At the same time though, it would be far worse if HE broke up with her and then went off with her friend.

MIN2511

Dudess wrote: »

I don't think it matters whether the OP broke up with him or not, what's hurting her is not the fact that he has a new girlfriend but the girlfriend is a close friend of hers. I fully understand how she feels betrayed.

OP, did your friend not even have the decency to tell you things were developing between them?

At the same time, you can't stop him from going out with her, and some women do talk about the unspoken rule of never going out with a friend's ex, but that's more of an ideal world thing. You can't break them up so you need to move on and not let it eat you up (difficult and all as that is). But as I said, I can understand why you feel so upset.

GuanYin, I would be more of the impression that she is saying anyone else but her close friends can have him.

I agree she has no claim on him now but jeez... a good friend ending up with him - that's gotta hurt. At the same time though, it would be far worse if HE broke up with her and then went off with her friend.

I couldn't have put it any better Dudess


There are unspoken rules... I would be very embarrases if a mates ex asks me out on a date.

You wouldn't date your bests mates ex would you?

marti101

As far as i know they are both single,lonely people so why not go out with each other.Life is way to short for sometimes to think of someone else.Op you made the decision to move away for a year and enjoy life why cant he do the same.They probably would have told you but they knew thee reaction the would get[you have proven them right].If they would have told you what would have been your answer,yes go on and have fun or no how dare you hurt me.I think this time its time to pull your head in and enjoy your year away and dont let anybody worry you.

John Mason

i started seeing my friends ex, they had been split for about 2 years. the moment we met we knew it was right (well, at the time it was).

she hasnt spoken to me since. her loss tbh.

you are away for year, so build a bridge, life is far too short to be holding grudges

LegacyUser

my friend got with my ex over 7 years ago. like you i freaked.
and out of respect for me they left it at a drunken kiss. i was happy..
i met my bf after that and have been together since and we are happy together.
while my ex and friend were both single. over 2 years ago they got together again and are now engaged.
i feel bad that they wasted 5 years apart because i wasn't mature enough to deal with it.
if you don't want him, let her have him.

Wagon

Bit of a kick in the balls i suppose but in fairness, you dumped him. And i know you didn't forsee this happening but if you wanted to remain friends with the guy and you wanted to move on then he should be allowed too. And he is. Tis' the way it is.

Aurora Borealis

I have to agree with a lot of what has been posted here and I have personal experience on this one, albeit from the other perspective i.e. I was the ex.

OP you broke it off yourself, you made the decision to relegate this person to a different place in your life, your power as it were over his choices in life ended there.

I think people forget sometimes when they break up with someone just what it's going to feel like having them move on eventually. They see their own lives moving forward differently but in some odd way that of their ex partner stays somewhat static and the fact then that they know the person who their ex is moving on with makes it visually harder to ignore and that hurts. I understand that it hurts a lot. It does to see someone you once loved move on but where is the part of you that is glad that someone you loved and presumably hurt, particularly if you're the one who finished it, is trying to move on?

I know we can't all be completely altruistic all the time and our emotions are just that and therefore selfish in their very existence but if you're old enough to have had a relationship then you're old enough to realise that just because you're hurt does not mean you have a justifiable grievance and are some way in the right morally. No more than your ex has the right to chastise you for not loving him anymore. You have the right to feel what you feel but so does he and if that means trying to move on with someone who is also in your life then that's his prerogative.

My ex has not spoken to me since the day he found out I was seeing a friend of his. We hadn't told him because he was away in England studying for a massively hard course and I made the decision not to rock the boat while he was because I had been with him throughout his application for the course and knew just how tough it was and how much it meant to him. Things had ended disastrously between us some four months earlier and he was in a new relationship very quickly after that so I wasn't too sure he'd even care. That's what I'm saying when I say I understand how hard it is to watch someone you love move on. That hurt me like I can not explain to think of someone else just stepping into my shoes and doing the things we had planned together. I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me back then or your ex either I'm telling you to highlight the fact that no matter how much it hurt me my ex had every right to do whatever he wished to help him move on and after the inital "how the hell could you love me one month and someone else weeks later" had passed I had to accept that whether it hurt or not.

This whole debacle played out for me when my ex came home for Christmas and I was very depressed for a few months afterwards because I did still have feelings for him and because it killed me to think he thought I had done all this just to hurt him and told the guy I was seeing as much. It felt like he hadn't the foggiest who I was as a person to think that and from the distant standpoint I have now I know that he doesn't so of course he'd think something like that. Your ex is doing what he feels right for him and though it may hurt you have to accept it.

The guy that all this blew up about is no longer my boyfriend, I wasn't ready for what he wanted but he is now one of my closest friends and I see him every week for a good long chat. For me if I spend significant time with someone I want to hold onto the goodness it brought to my life and them as part of my history. Ex's can be wonderful friends and you may miss out on that

tbh

seems strange that you would repeatedly stress what a close friend of yours the girl is/was, and yet you say "I no longer want anything to do with her but I still care about him."

Aurora Borealis

Yeah a weird one. My ex went other way. After first threatening to kick my then bf's head in he then contacted him some weeks later to sort things out between them but still refused to speak to me. His usual MO when it came to anything to do with me though so maybe that's not applicable here..

Dragan

You should think very carefully about staying someones friend after a relationship is over.

You need to be prepared to be happy for them irregardless of what way things work out and that is not always possible.

Aurora Borealis

True Dragan it takes maturity on both parts and it's certainly not possible if one is still harbouring feelings for the other but I do think that with some time these types of friendships are some of the deepest.

Just my 2c. I know all too well that it doesn't always turn out that way. Life happens.

munchies

Why am I angrier at the friend than the ex?

Well I guess it's because there were a few holes in the relationship before this even happened. There was a going away party before I left and she was at it and another friend mentioned that she was a lot of fun and I replied that she could be great craic but not really as nice as she seems. I dont want to go into specifics but there were things that I just brushed aside, I guess thats normal in most friendships but not for me. I have been in plenty of situations where friends of mine don't get along but I will not listen to a bad word being said by either party so for me to caution friend A about trusting friend B was very out of charcter - I was reminded of this recently. It seems weird to talk about a 'close friend' in such a way, maybe we were never that close? I think possibly we spent time together based on convenience more than anything, in the last few months in particular we had drifted apart a bit and could easily go a week or two without contacting one another.

With my ex I guess things were different we were in fairly constant contact the last two months before I left. If we didn't see each other we talked on the phone. For the last two and a half years he has been pretty much my best friend.

Maybe I should be angrier at him because we were closer? I think the reason that its the opposite is that I was already beginning to let go of the friendship I had with her and I think she was doing the same. Her deciding to go out with him was the nail in the coffin, excuse the pun. I dont want her in my life because I no longer trust her or like her. This isn't to punish her I'm fairly certain, on the basis of the one and only conversation I had with her on this topic, that she doesn't care what I think.

Why do I want to stay friends with my ex - thats getting harder to answer. When he first told me I was like ok this is a bit weird for me but I'm happy for you, I'm glad your happy. That lasted two days. Then came anger. I was so angry that I decided not to talk on the phone I put things down in an email to try and self censor what I was saying. From the reply I got I understood that he still cared about my feelings, I didnt get this from her the exact opposite. Yes I am talking about my feelings I happen to think that as a living, breathing, human being I have a right to experience emotion. I dont see this as being narcissistic. I'm pretty sure that everyone who posts on these boards is doing it because of a problem they themselves are experiencing.

Some would argue that I have no rights over him because I broke up with him, that I can't control what they do etc. I agree, what I wanted was that after nearly three years of frienship with both of them (I met both through a club) that they would at least consider my feelings. If they had said it to me first as a formality would I be less angry, I dont know. I would like to think that if I had talked to them both individually I would have tried to understand where they were coming from. I think dialogue is important. I dont believe in violence, threats, manipulation but I do believe that through dialogue you can come to a mutual understanding. Is this affecting me more because I am aware from home, definitley. If it was possible I would try and meet one or both of them individually in a neutral place and just talk for as long as we could and try and understand where each of us is coming from. Then I guess we could agree not to contact one another for a month or two and try and talk again until all the anger, hurt etc is gone. Why cant I do this now over the phone? Well because my ex wont answer my email. I tried to call him twice but after no reply I deleted his number. I want to keep some peice of my dignity and I wanted to avoid a situation occuring where I just got very angry and called him and said things just to hurt him. I want to let go of this anger but without being able to talk to him its difficult. That is why I am on this board, in the hope that by discussing things anonymously with a range of people I can try and understand what is happening.

I am trying to get on with things, its only been a week since I heard! I have met people joined clubs gone out with work mates etc. I have no intention of wasting this year or even a day if I can help it. When a young member of your family dies you are confronted head on with your own mortality the cliche, what if there is no tomorrow becomes real. I want to look back on my life with no regrets, that could be tomorrow or 60 years from now, I want to think that I made the most of the time and resources I had available. I know that comparable to a lot of things a problem with an ex is quite small but its something that I'm going thrugh now and its hurting. I dont believe in burying / denying emotions thats a slippery slope into depression and I dont want to go there. I am trying to face up to what I'm feeling and deal with it without hurting others, thats the ideal.

LightningBolt

You're away for the year. I wouldn't even bother thinking about it to be honest. It has feck all to do with you. Don't let something like that ruin your fun away from home, seriously. Life is way too short. And if you get on well with the ex just be happy for the bloke, if she's not all that nice as you say he'll soon see through it.

Gyalist

The more you write, the more you reveal of your self-absorption. You broke up with him. What is apparent is that even though you told him that there wasn't a chance of you two getting back together, you were prepared to prevent him from moving on. Why should either of them have to seek your permission? You have to accept that your actions always have consequences, some of them that you may not like.

tbh

munchies wrote: »

Maybe I should be angrier at him because we were closer?

he asked her out, right?

I think the reason that its the opposite is that I was already beginning to let go of the friendship I had with her and I think she was doing the same. Her deciding to go out with him was the nail in the coffin, excuse the pun.

here's the rub. If this girl started going out with someone else, would you feel like that was the final nail in the coffin? No, of course not. She's going out with your ex, and you feel like it's betraying you. but betraying what? Should she have known that you still have feelings for the guy or something, and refused out of loyalty to you? Maybe if he'd broken up with her. But - newsflash - you broke up with him, so maybe she just assumed you didn't want him anymore.

Some would argue that I have no rights over him because I broke up with him, that I can't control what they do etc. I agree, what I wanted was that after nearly three years of frienship with both of them (I met both through a club) that they would at least consider my feelings.

consider what feelings? the feelings that led you to break up with him?

my 2c - you're not angry with her, or even him. You're angry with the situation. You thought this guy liked you, and now you think he probably didn't like you as much as you thought, seeing as how he got over it.

Honestly, if you were a true friend to either/both of them, you'd wish them the best and keep your feelings to yourself. You don't have the right to be angry at either of them. Time to be a grown-up, I'm afraid.

GuanYin

I agree with tbh and Gyallst. You've made this all about you and your feelings and your wants and it is apparent that you really don't give a rats ass about their happiness or their feelings.

You want them to forsake what could be a good relationship (or then again not) for you. You want them to put your happiness over their own. It seems to me that you don't care about either of them, just yourself.

I honestly imagine that you would have had some issue with any gf this guy had, you like the attention from him too much and you're bitter that not only is it going somewhere else, but you might have to see that you made a huge mistake in dicking this guy around and dumping him.

I dunnno, I think you need to think about them for a second and see how it feels, either way, if you cut them off, I don't think it is much of a loss on their part.

tbh

The Dog in the Manger is a fable attributed to Aesop, concerning a dog who one afternoon lay down to sleep in the manger. On being awoken, he ferociously kept the cattle in the farm from eating the hay on which he chose to sleep, even though he was unable to eat it himself, leading an ox to mutter the moral of the fable:

People often begrudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves.

Overheal

munchies wrote: »

Two weeks ago I left Ireland to spend a year abroad. I found out last week that within a day or two of me leaving he asks out a close friend of mine, who was a casual friend of his and now they are going out. I feel completely betrayed both by the close 'friend' and by him.

Actually it sounds more like the last thing they were trying to do is betray you. It sounds like they were trying to spare your feelings, and knowing you were going to be gone a year, why not?

It sounds to me like they both care about you, and knew you would be upset by this. I'm sure they had hoped you would find out when you came back - after you had your sabbatical and re-prioritized your life a bit.

I think it would be a mistake to dwell on this munchie. It's going to seem trivial to you next year.

oulu

Sounds like you want your cake and it,Personally nothing wrong with that either but is that what you really want.You have to realize that if he is a great as you say then isn't your friend a smart girl to nab him. After all is fair in Love and War.
Now I think you should leave them to get on with it after all you did not want him.

mabsme1

Why do u feel so betrayed, u have gone for 1 year and u should be happy 4 both of them, u finished with him, and i feel u thought he was going to sit around and pine 4 u. u, by ending the relationship, gave him back his freedom to date whom he wishes, and if that happenes to be ur friend thats just too bad. Get over it and let them get on with their lives while u get on with urs. I bet if u meet someone while ur away u will be happy for these 2 people who have now found love in each other

Wibbs

mabsme1 Text speak is against the charter of this forum and indeed all fora on this site. Please use your full keyboard as your post will be taken more seriously.