Another break up

unhappycamper

I am 27, just about to start a new business on Camden St and as a result of hard work and plenty of sacrifice I am going to have my own commercial premises, small but better than working from home like I have been for so long. As a result I still live with my folks and lack any chance of offering my x or any other girl for that matter much independence for the time being. My gamble is that if my dream succeeds I will be able to live wherever I like.

On Sunday I got dumped for the second time by my x girlfriend and it was a very sad hugs and goodbye break up. I am devastated. I wanted kids and marriage in a few years with this person.

The trouble is that she is turned 24 since May and I am turned 27 since May, and she cant get a job after applying over the last 2 years over 40 times. As you have noticed from the top paragraph I know how to go about doing what I enjoy and have family here who let me live rent free and happy. She works a job she loathes and this has been putting a considerable strain on our time together.I got her interviews in TV3 and web design both which she was sadly unsucessful. I tried to make her happy and help her 24/7.

After our 1st break up I have been picking her up from work every day and cooking her dinner, trying to show love and affection to win her heart back. She, sadly to say, is not in love with me anymore.

She wants to travel and possibly work abroad, I don't. I am her first serious relationship, she is my third.

I recorded a CD for her which was a supportive letter of understanding recorded behind a radio head track and swiftly legged it up to her post box and threw it in. She told me last night she got it, thanks, but her feelings haven't changed. What a kick in the teeth.

I hate rejection, but I have been rejected in my life way worse than this in a more personal matter so I can handle rejection. What I find very hard to handle is the fact that my best pal of the last 3 years has gone and I am left feeling the 'if only I ..' syndrome.

Now I am still very young, good looking if I dare say so and highly sociable and fun so picking up girls and dating will be fun and easy but who cares about that now.

The problem is that I am not ready to see her with someone else if she has met someone else. I am not ready to break up either. I am angry but I know its a waste of time feeling angry.

I wanted a girl who I could talk through problems before they escalated but she never brought her feelings up until she dumped me which is really immature. I know I cant go back to her and beg and I know to give her space and time but she is blanking me. I seen all this coming a few days before hand, I was having anxiety and panic attacks, as soon as she told me how she felt they went away.

There are 22 things about her I don't like, I did a list, but there is allot more I do like. I have lost her and I feel because I am following my dream this is another sacrifice I have to make to get there. Whats the point.

HELP

K-9

What are the 22 things you don't like? That sounds a lot!

As for the other stuff, it sounds like she doesn't want a relationship with you at the moment. It's difficult to make somebody fall in love again and it looks she wants to travel etc.

Wagon

Her mind is made up mate

But it isn't your fault. You offered her support as much as you could and did all you can. you've worked really hard to get where you are now but she is at a different stage in her life I think. So she's ending this now so she can follow her own dreams. Sadly, there's nothing I can offer you for a quick fix except that there's no point having the "what if..." syndrome. You did try very hard.

unhappycamper

Seanies32 wrote: »

What are the 22 things you don't like? That sounds a lot!

As for the other stuff, it sounds like she doesn't want a relationship with you at the moment. It's difficult to make somebody fall in love again and it looks she wants to travel etc.

Trust me you don't want to see the list.

The trouble here is old fashioned loyalty. With facebook, myspace, bebo etc... she hears about how great everything is on the other side of the world and as a results re invents her ambitions and dumps her crutch to move on without a second to think about the relationship.

r3nu4l

Sounds like you've done a lot, probably as much as any person can do. No matter what you try however, you cannot make someone be in love with you and they can end up resenting you the more you try.

If she is not in love with you, then no matter how much you love her, she is not the right one for you. There is someone out there but just not her. Of course you won't be ready to see her with someone else, you still love her. It's far easier to be rejected by someone you don't love than by someone you do love. I have experience of both and by far the worst was being rejected by someone I loved, even though it was a caring, gentle (but firm) rejection.

Take care of yourself, use your free time to ensure your business succeeds and then over time you will find that one day you will be interested in another woman and she may be interested in you. Life moves on, even if we don't want to. She's not the right one for you if she doesn't love you. Sad but true

unhappycamper

Wagon wrote: »

Her mind is made up mate

But it isn't your fault. You offered her support as much as you could and did all you can. you've worked really hard to get where you are now but she is at a different stage in her life I think. So she's ending this now so she can follow her own dreams. Sadly, there's nothing I can offer you for a quick fix except that there's no point having the "what if..." syndrome. You did try very hard.

Yeah its truly horrible situation and one that I knew would catch up on me sooner or later. I just swept it under the carpet as did she. I feel lost without the texts in the mornings and before bed and the MSN conversations we have daily. Blankedy blanked me out of the picture. I respect her need to grow and follow her own dream, I just taught she might of valued us more than her career but thats just being an ego maniac on my behalf. I miss her.

Sarah**

As Mike Skinner so rightly puts it:

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

unhappycamper

r3nu4l wrote: »

Sounds like you've done a lot, probably as much as any person can do. No matter what you try however, you cannot make someone be in love with you and they can end up resenting you the more you try.

If she is not in love with you, then no matter how much you love her, she is not the right one for you. There is someone out there but just not her. Of course you won't be ready to see her with someone else, you still love her. It's far easier to be rejected by someone you don't love than by someone you do love. I have experience of both and by far the worst was being rejected by someone I loved, even though it was a caring, gentle (but firm) rejection.

Take care of yourself, use your free time to ensure your business succeeds and then over time you will find that one day you will be interested in another woman and she may be interested in you. Life moves on, even if we don't want to. She's not the right one for you if she doesn't love you. Sad but true

I feel that me setting up my business has also been a strain on her. I was always talking about it which I am sure wrecked her head. The past memories of happiness and images of her in my head really hurts allot, I wish they would go away but I cherish them in another sad way.

unhappycamper

Sarah** wrote: »

As Mike Skinner so rightly puts it:

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

True as day but walking away is the ultimate hard thing to do

Sarah**

Look its not your fault this is over, and hardly your fault that you are striving for success which you have worked long and hard for. She just has itchy feet here and is young and wants to know whats out there. Chances are she'll get out there and miss you, but you have to let her follow her dream to travel as she has let you find yours and isn't standing in the way of your persuing yours.

Sarah**

Trust me, I've sturggled so hard to walk away before and the best thing to do is plan a holiday with mates or throw yourself into work and just really fill up your time, so when or if she calls you can happily reply to be honest i havent been thinking about us, ive been up to my eyes or ive been away. You need to just get a clean break.

AngryBadger

unhappycamper wrote: »

I wanted a girl who I could talk through problems before they escalated but she never brought her feelings up until she dumped me which is really immature. I know I cant go back to her and beg and I know to give her space and time but she is blanking me. I seen all this coming a few days before hand, I was having anxiety and panic attacks, as soon as she told me how she felt they went away.

First off, does this not tell you that the two of you were fairly incompatible if she never talked about her feelings until she decided to break up with you?

Secondly, she's made it very clear now that she's not interested. I don't want to seem cruel, but I think you need to man up, accept that she's not going to change her mind and get on with your life.

Trinity

If your only fault was being ambitious and wanting to better yourself then seriously it just was not meant to be.

Have a look at the other threads, guys have messed up big time, cheating, lying and very very sadly a thread from a married lady whose husband just beat her black and blue.

Its very hard to walk away but you should at least find comfort in knowing you did nothing wrong. This girl sounds like she was going to walk one way or another and was just not ready to settle down.

unhappycamper

Trinity1 wrote: »

If your only fault was being ambitious and wanting to better yourself then seriously it just was not meant to be.

Have a look at the other threads, guys have messed up big time, cheating, lying and very very sadly a thread from a married lady whose husband just beat her black and blue.

Its very hard to walk away but you should at least find comfort in knowing you did nothing wrong. This girl sounds like she was going to walk one way or another and was just not ready to settle down.

Exactly, she just was not at a point of settling down in life at all. I do find comfort that I have been a good guy. I have had some serious relationships where I made big mistakes and I never once raised my voice to this girl or disrespected her. I was her pal.

unhappycamper

AngryBadger wrote: »

First off, does this not tell you that the two of you were fairly incompatible if she never talked about her feelings until she decided to break up with you?

Secondly, she's made it very clear now that she's not interested. I don't want to seem cruel, but I think you need to man up, accept that she's not going to change her mind and get on with your life.

The fact that we didn't have a deep way of talking was a killer

Karen_*

unhappycamper wrote: »

Exactly, she just was not at a point of settling down in life at all. I do find comfort that I have been a good guy. I have had some serious relationships where I made big mistakes and I never once raised my voice to this girl or disrespected her. I was her pal.

She's very young to make big decisions about the future. And it just wasn't meant to be. But its very sad especially when someone was also your pal.

You sound great and you have loads of belief in yourself too. you'll be fine. Its just tough at the moment.

unhappycamper

Karen_* wrote: »

She's very young to make big decisions about the future. And it just wasn't meant to be. But its very sad especially when someone was also your pal.

You sound great and you have loads of belief in yourself too. you'll be fine. Its just tough at the moment.

Thanks Karen. I explained to her that I wanted us to be best friends AND boyfriend and girlfriend. She just didn't have the understanding that you can have both these things in a relationship. She created a divide in the two and came up with the 'we are better friends than lovers' .. she completely missed my point!

Lack of experience on her behalf never helped push things along in a stable way either. I was seeing signs of her looking around the corner more and more asking herself what's that over there? Who is that?

We all go through break ups so hopefully this will be just another toughy to get through!


Also, I fear I may go rebounding like a dick head.



1. Should I wipe her off msn,myspace,facebook or is that cutting off my nose to spite my face?

Sarah**

Maybe leave her on msn. I wouldnt adivse leaving her on your facebook because it can tend to lead to you looking at her page and checking whats she up to and looking at her photos will only make you see she is moving on or happy and you may start feeling ****ty again. Leave the msn there as when she is travelling you guys can chat there.

unhappycamper

Sarah** wrote: »

Maybe leave her on msn. I wouldnt adivse leaving her on your facebook because it can tend to lead to you looking at her page and checking whats she up to and looking at her photos will only make you see she is moving on or happy and you may start feeling ****ty again. Leave the msn there as when she is travelling you guys can chat there.

I fear if I delete her off one thing she will delete me off the other!

Karen_*

I think you should delete her off these applications. If she wants it finished she can have it finished!

If you're going to go rebounding just try and not hurt anyone. Because you know yourself it feels pretty bad and you need to be creating good vibes for yourself at the moment.:)

unhappycamper

Karen_* wrote: »

I think you should delete her off these applications. If she wants it finished she can have it finished!

If you're going to go rebounding just try and not hurt anyone. Because you know yourself it feels pretty bad and you need to be creating good vibes for yourself at the moment.:)

I wont go rebounding because it serves and has no purpose, I just better not drink too much when I am out, thats when the morals drop, thanks

misslt

unhappycamper wrote: »

I fear if I delete her off one thing she will delete me off the other!

Thats really immature tbh.

If you aren't going to be strong enough to deal with leaving her on facebook and seeing what shes getting up to, then you aren't going to be strong enough to have contact with her at all - either cut all contact or remain friends.

If you want to be with her but can't then having any contact will wreck your head - you'd be better with no contact.

unhappycamper

misslt wrote: »

Thats really immature tbh.

If you aren't going to be strong enough to deal with leaving her on facebook and seeing what shes getting up to, then you aren't going to be strong enough to have contact with her at all - either cut all contact or remain friends.

If you want to be with her but can't then having any contact will wreck your head - you'd be better with no contact.

True. Its funny how deleting a few applications feels very hard to do because of who's world is in the application

Sarah**

yeah but to be honest how are you going to feel logging on to facebook in a few months time and it will say (insert name here) has uploaded 9000 pictures of Austrailia.....and in every photo is another of her new life which doesnt involve you.....your better off deleting her, and also facebook doesnt let the person know if youve deleted them, so just do it. Maybe delete her phone number as drunken texts is the next step!

unhappycamper

Sarah** wrote: »

yeah but to be honest how are you going to feel logging on to facebook in a few months time and it will say (insert name here) has uploaded 9000 pictures of Austrailia.....and in every photo is another of her new life which doesnt involve you.....your better off deleting her, and also facebook doesnt let the person know if youve deleted them, so just do it. Maybe delete her phone number as drunken texts is the next step!

She claims her friends might go traveling but she is not going for the foreseeable future but yes I get your point, either way she will move on and one day I will see her with someone else and it will drive a steak though my groin. I should remove her from everything its just the final step in closure isn't it?

Sarah**

Its the next step.....whether or not its the last or first is different for each person!

unhappycamper

Sarah** wrote: »

Its the next step.....whether or not its the last or first is different for each person!

Thanks Sarah, do you think closure like this might help her see that I am gone altogether? Maybe she might doubt her motives, either way she loved me one day and not the next and so on, so maybe she is confused, maybe she needs to see that life is so empty without the 'd**ster' being around!!!!

Sarah**

To be honest whether she doubts her motives or not....would you really consider taking her back? You need to move on. Im younger than your ex and even i have a clear understanding of what is going on there. You need to just cut all ties, if nothing else she will see that you have a plan for yourself and that your not sitting waiting around on her to call the shots.

Get out there and start meeting new people through business and yeah she will probably have the whole " I want him now because he doesnt "want" me" attitude but i think you are probably better just not getting involved in that area!

Your on the right track at the mo. Cutting ties, moving on, and packing your day to day life with activities and plans so that your not left idle and thinking about what happens next....

unhappycamper

Sarah** wrote: »

To be honest whether she doubts her motives or not....would you really consider taking her back? You need to move on. Im younger than your ex and even i have a clear understanding of what is going on there. You need to just cut all ties, if nothing else she will see that you have a plan for yourself and that your not sitting waiting around on her to call the shots.

Get out there and start meeting new people through business and yeah she will probably have the whole " I want him now because he doesnt "want" me" attitude but i think you are probably better just not getting involved in that area!

Your on the right track at the mo. Cutting ties, moving on, and packing your day to day life with activities and plans so that your not left idle and thinking about what happens next....

Thanks Sarah, I will take your advice. Sure she has my number if she needs me and on the other hand I always wanted a girl who had more loyalty and good looks than even Hitlers wife so I wouldn't be to sure if I really would like to take her back.

Sarah**

You'll be stronger for it trust me.

I found when i had to deal with this type of situation, cutting all ties was great. That way i couldnt drunk text, i didnt know what they were doing and it just enabled me to get on with my life, even though i felt like someone had pulled my heart out.

It gets easier, your going to get to a day in the next two weeks where you will think, God i didnt think about her once yesterday! And that is a great feeling.

00_katie_00

unhappycamper wrote: »

Thanks Sarah, I will take your advice. Sure she has my number if she needs me and on the other hand I always wanted a girl who had more loyalty and good looks than even Hitlers wife so I wouldn't be to sure if I really would like to take her back.

Thats the spirit, its amazing when you take your prospective away from the relationship & you are not 100% focusing on "i want this person" "i need this person" etc etc, its amazing how you will realise maybe she wasnt all that you wanted! BTW i'm 22 female in Dublin, work as a secretary near town, you sound very focused & a lovely guy.

unhappycamper

00_katie_00 wrote: »

Thats the spirit, its amazing when you take your prospective away from the relationship & you are not 100% focusing on "i want this person" "i need this person" etc etc, its amazing how you will realise maybe she wasnt all that you wanted! BTW i'm 22 female in Dublin, work as a secretary near town, you sound very focused & a lovely guy.

Thanks Katie, this entire thread was worth posting, I have done what I can and I am proud of what I have done and sure what is lost when there is so much left to gain. I was just down in the kitchen having lunch and I taught to myself that my relationship was all about supporting my x emotionally and I never had a girl who was mature enough to repay the favor. That is a big thing, someone who hasn't got the answers but has the conversational ability to try. Also, my cousin Lucy is a high grade working professional and has been in many relationships, she believes that this is a great thing for me and I should be glad that there is someone else out there, someone better for me. Where do you work I can stalk you instead! lol

unhappycamper

So 2 of my mates called around tonight to talk to me and support me. Great mates. They said I should delete all contact like mentioned earlier on, msn myspace etc... I did. I felt really gutted but now I am feeling good. I took control. Control is very good thing to take, I recommend it to anyone. They sat with me to make sure I deleted everything

Sarah**

So I was right...at long last for once im right about something! haha!! No in all seriousness, im happy for you that you have taken the first step....it only gets better! x

unhappycamper

Sarah** wrote: »

So I was right...at long last for once im right about something! haha!! No in all seriousness, im happy for you that you have taken the first step....it only gets better! x

It is good you know, I woke up today and there is no way I can check up on her now, with all contact gone there is no more holding on. My pals are calling over to cook me breakfast mmmmm

Sarah**

Well if you've any left over drop some to my work!! Anyone i have spoken to has had a nice full irish today!! Im about to have my branflakes......:(

unhappycamper

Sarah** wrote: »

Well if you've any left over drop some to my work!! Anyone i have spoken to has had a nice full irish today!! Im about to have my branflakes......:(

Branflakes? My god very healthy! My friend told me last night that the next 12 months will make or break my business and that I should focus 100% on that.

00_katie_00

Hi Again unhappy (or happy) camper What your friend said is true, I have family friends who own businesses & its all work work work but worth it if your doing something you love. May i ask, out of interest, what kinda business your opening up?

unhappycamper

00_katie_00 wrote: »

Hi Again unhappy (or happy) camper What your friend said is true, I have family friends who own businesses & its all work work work but worth it if your doing something you love. May i ask, out of interest, what kinda business your opening up?

Happy camper!:)

Can I change my name to happy camper> mods? Hee hee!

Yes you may ask.

I am moving my recording studio into a commercial premises under the company name 'Pop star studios' and 'Blackhorse Recordings'...


I have just spent the last 4 months doing a business plan which has been mentored by Dublin Enterprise Board who have been my big brother in starting the business. At this stage I am looking at premises to rent and start construction and from there I will be out and about with a promotional company selling my soul to get people in! Very exciting its been 6 years of building from home.. What company do you work for?

00_katie_00

wow sounds exciting! That will be a brilliant new adventure for you! I work for a small firm near the city, as secretary... keeps me busy enough i tell ya I take plenty of breaks to check whats happening on boards thou :rolleyes: hehe

unhappycamper

00_katie_00 wrote: »

wow sounds exciting! That will be a brilliant new adventure for you! I work for a small firm near the city, as secretary... keeps me busy enough i tell ya I take plenty of breaks to check whats happening on boards thou :rolleyes: hehe

Busy is good, busy is very very good Yeah I am so excited deep down, in a few years I want my kids going Daddy daddy can we come into your studio and play!

That has always been my dream

Sarah**

That is the sweetest thing i have ever read!! Have you any musical talent yourself?

Yeah branflakes were actually nicer than expected.....well untill the pest control lads came in and started talking about the jobs they've done so i ran back up to my desk!!!

unhappycamper

Sarah** wrote: »

That is the sweetest thing i have ever read!! Have you any musical talent yourself?

Yeah branflakes were actually nicer than expected.....well untill the pest control lads came in and started talking about the jobs they've done so i ran back up to my desk!!!

Plenty

Sarah**

Wow, quite the musical one arnt you!! Well any suggestions on learning to play the mandolin? If thats how you even spell it! My sister in law got my brother one for his 30th and the guy hasnt a breeze where to even begin looking for lessons!!

Sounds like you have cheered up, unhappy!!

unhappycamper

Sarah** wrote: »

Wow, quite the musical one arnt you!! Well any suggestions on learning to play the mandolin? If thats how you even spell it! My sister in law got my brother one for his 30th and the guy hasnt a breeze where to even begin looking for lessons!!

Sounds like you have cheered up, unhappy!!

Thanks,

I am not very happycamper but I am happycamper!

New park music school? Possibly could find a teacher in Waltons school of music?? There are plenty of trad players out there

Sarah**

Cool Thanks!! Like the whole Mr. Happycamper you have going now!!

Taking control has obviously liberated you!! had your brekkie yet?

00_katie_00

unhappycamper wrote: »

Busy is good, busy is very very good Yeah I am so excited deep down, in a few years I want my kids going Daddy daddy can we come into your studio and play!

That has always been my dream

Aww thats so sweet hehe. I wish I could be more musical, i used to play the violin when i was younger but gave it up when my lil sister would start crying each time i'd try to practice... cant blame her really... poor child:rolleyes:, I love going to see live music, it is SOoo much better than from a CD, I went to see a lovely string quartet play in a dublin castle a bit over a month ago, they were just amazing!

unhappycamper

Sarah** wrote: »

Cool Thanks!! Like the whole Mr. Happycamper you have going now!!

Taking control has obviously liberated you!! had your brekkie yet?

I am sitting here waiting for it to arrive and cook itself and I am getting really hungry now!! I know they are up in Superquinn only getting the best for me but come on I am starving!!

I am liberated now, I have let go of fighting the emotional urge to want to change what can't be changed, I am not going to let the decision of one being to override the person I am. Also, the situation is out of my hands now.

Sarah**

Good words there!!

By any chance is it superquinn in sutton? haha!!

I always found myself, untill you accept that the person has made their decision then you just struggle to accept its over!! Recently a guy just stopped talking to me, just stopped, after everything going really well!! I heard nothing and even one night i had to call into where he works for documents and he had to deal with me and we said nothing to eachother. It really upset and annoyed me but finally i sat with my friends and said so he has made up his mind and thats that, i deleted his number and cut my losses. Low and behold i got a message yesterday but that ship has sailed and i just didnt wb.

I feel much better for it today that im not caught up in someones games!!

So as i said, once you accept it in your head and decide enough is enough, things start to click and your able to cross the bridges you were to reluctant to before.

unhappycamper

Just wanted to get my feeling off my chest and update my situation. I decided to go to the electric picnic on Saturday and had the best picnic to date. I spent allot of quality time with all my friends all of whom were very supportive and tried not to bring up 'the break up' unless I wanted to talk about it. There was a few things I noticed that were positive about being single and here they are.

1. I felt not having to worry about my partner gave me allot more freedom to go and play wherever I wanted to. I didn't have to worry about her being sick or tired or what not.

2. The other thing I noticed was that my friends who came with their partners missed out many very funny moments with lads.

On the down side of things on Sunday I went through a 2.5 hour ordeal of feeling sorry for myself. I am glad I had no credit there otherwise I may have fallen into the trap of text-ing her when I was mashed.

I met a girl there who had a boyfriend but it reminded me that there are other girls out there who are super cool and super sexy so that made my night in a small way.

Today is Tuesday and I am back in reality now. I miss her greatly and even though I know not to contact her I still want to. I still really want to. What should I do? All my friends said I should completely let her go and move forward with my life as quick as possible. Is there any point in fighting for what you want or is it a simple case of 'if her feelingS have changed there is nothing you can do'..


Thanks

rabalder

Iam coming from the situation as you. The boyfriend and me broke up a few months ago, and like yourself, I had hoped for a future with this person. Obviously the last few months has been very hard, but things are becoming somewhat easier with time.

I know the feeling of wanting to contact that person, it is hard, as you have been contacting that person regularly over the last while. I suppose it would be like stopping all contact with one of your good mates, its difficult! But you two both need some time apart to move on and get on with things. Its good that you had a great time at the picnic and were able to have a laugh. Of course their is going to be times that you feel down and that is natural, its all part of the healing process.

The main thing now is to focus on yourself. Dont be so hard on yourself, if you feel down or upset, allow yourself to be! But remember to look after yourself. Right now you have your business, which as you have said before is your dream. So keep your self on track with that and work on enjoying life as a single person!
hope this helps