My 1000th Post

tylerdurden94

Well seen as i reached my 1000th post it seems to be the norm to post something about it, ive seen some great 1000th posts but alas im no great strategy writer but i will leave you with this joke.

A man walks into a shop and asks the girl behind the counter "excuse me can i get a Kit Kat chunky? That will be 95c, "no i asked for a Kit Kat ya fat bitch"



Hopefully the mods will indulge this for a bit and people can add a few things to it jokes/pics/whatever!

Requiem4adream

Name of awesome chick above?! good work!

YULETIRED

I've seen this picture before it's actually a bloke.



Dan *ahem* ? something you want to tell us? awesome?


and Rooney dives for cover


Well Tyler as it's your 1k post I'd like to commend you on your alias...great great movie.

Requiem4adream

YULETIRED wrote: »

I've seen this picture before it's actually a bloke.



Dan *ahem* ? something you want to tell us? awesome?


and Rooney dives for cover


Well Tyler as it's your 1k post I'd like to commend you on your alias...great great movie.

Cough, splutter!!!! wat?! i must be going terminally blind!!! Looks like Lucy Pinder a bit?!!!

tylerdurden94

YULETIRED wrote: »

I've seen this picture before it's actually a bloke.



Dan *ahem* ? something you want to tell us? awesome?


and Rooney dives for cover


Well Tyler as it's your 1k post I'd like to commend you on your alias...great great movie.

Willie starting with the jokes already i like it!

tylerdurden94

Requiem4adream wrote: »

Name of awesome chick above?! good work!

No name im afraid.

ITT-Pat

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had
a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also
told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing
ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life
when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood
completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful
baby'. The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said,
'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little
nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?''Yes', the mother replied,
'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.''That's
great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses'.

roryc

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

Because she lost her arms in a car accident.

tylerdurden94

roryc wrote: »

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

Because she lost her arms in a car accident.

Jesus :eek: but i like it!

Ste05

1,000 posts is a milestone, so go ahead IMO... but keep it SFW.

Also, congrats...

tylerdurden94

Ste05 wrote: »

1,000 posts is a milestone, so go ahead IMO... but keep it SFW.

Also, congrats...

I appreciate it

bantee

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says "Murphy mi feet are freezin, would ya run up stairs an fetch mi slippers?"

"No bother" Murphy says and runs upstairs.

There are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello girls, yer dad's sent me up here t'shag yer both."

"F*ck off yer liar." They said.

"I'll prove it" says Murphy, so he shouts down stairs "Both of em Pat?"

"Of course whats the point of f*cking one?"

hoppo254

Congrats on the 1000 post , most of your posts have raised some valid points and add some interesting arguments and points of view.

Nice to see someone posting without trying to be an a*shole or "a nice guy"

tylerdurden94

bantee wrote: »

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says "Murphy mi feet are freezin, would ya run up stairs an fetch mi slippers?"

"No bother" Murphy says and runs upstairs.

There are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello girls, yer dad's sent me up here t'shag yer both."

"F*ck off yer liar." They said.

"I'll prove it" says Murphy, so he shouts down stairs "Both of em Pat?"

"Of course whats the point of f*cking one?"

Yes i shall be using that joke aswell, thank you.

bantee

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,"Dad, what's love juice?"
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says: "So what were you watchin'?"
Billy says, " Wimbledon ."

bantee

A Nacker goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a
prostitute. He asks her, 'How much do you charge for the hour?

'100 euro`s,' she replies. So he asks, 'Okay, do you do Nacker style?

She says 'No!' He then asks her, 'I'll pay you 200 to do it Nacker
style?

'She again says no, not knowing what Nacker style is!

So he then offers her 300. Again she declines his offer.

So finally he says, 'I'll give you 500 to go Nacker style with me!'

Finally she agrees thinking, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10
years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from
weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Nacker style be?

'So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way
and in every possible position.

Finally, after several intense hours they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Nacker style' come in?' The Nacker replies

. . . 'I'll fix ya up wid the cash next week boss '

shrapnel222

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive young woman
waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the
father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he
has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you one of
the strippers from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool
table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt
with wet celery?
She look at him sideways, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

YULETIRED

Some guys leave college to play poker as it's more fun and beats working...... after a while playing they realise, they have to read books on how to pay properly, then they have to study maths, then they have to study phycology, then they have to excercise money management skills, ... armed with this knowledge, then they have to sit at a desk/table and chrun out hand after hand after hand ad nausem , sometimes working 10 screens at once...............


beauty school drop outs go back to high school

kakak1

PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: These individual quotes were reportedly taken
from actual employee performance evaluations.


(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity."
(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
(4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."
(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(11) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."
(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(17) "He's been working with glue too much."
(18) "He would argue with a signpost."
(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."
(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
(24) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."
(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

The_Chopper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obTmoZBTem4

The_Chopper

Hide the Duke

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

The_Chopper

The Nagging Wife

pocketdooz

Good man - you got to 1000 . . . you'll like this.


Why are there no Nackers on Star Trek ?

> 'Cos they're not going to work in the future either !:D

The_Chopper

Only in Cork

tylerdurden94

Thanks guys keep the good stuff rolling!

kakak1

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all
of my stuff had been stolen ... and replaced by exact duplicates!"

His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of
us mortals.

Here are some of his gems:



1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?

The_Chopper

Gay Terrorist

smurph

Young man found unconscious in ditch
Wearing
Dublin jersey,
Mini skirt,
Boob tube,
Fishnet stockings,
and a dildo up his arse,
Gardai personnel have removed the Jersey to save any
Embarrassment to his friends and family

The_Chopper

Three Tampons on my shirt

The_Chopper

United Parcel Service (UPS) Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.




And the best one for last.............




P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.

Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

kakak1

SO YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING!

* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

* The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

* No piece of paper can be folded in half more than7 times.

* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

* The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

* A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

* The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

* Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

* Pearls melt in vinegar.

* Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

* The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.

* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

* A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

* Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

* Butterflies taste with their feet.

* In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's
nuclear weapons combined.

* On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

* Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

* It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

* The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

* A snail can sleep for three years.

* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

* The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

* All polar bears are left handed.

* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including
their eyebrows and eyelashes.

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

* "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

* If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

* Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.