first contact

00011000

I met this girl at a festival... we didn't exactly "get on well" as I had a girlfriend at the time...

I've since broken up with my girlfriend and I want to get to know this new girl.

It's been quite a few weeks though and I don't even know if she likes me or even still remembers me, or is even the tiniest bit interested.


Should I tell her I've been thinking about her constantly since we met? or is that too forward and might scare her off?

I'm not interested in playing any games and wanna find out right off the bat if she's interested...

AARRRGH

Keep it simple. Ask her out to a gig.

Don't tell her your feelings. You risk scaring her off.

00011000

really? but she doesn't know me at all... do you really think she'd go to a gig with me?

AARRRGH

00011000 wrote: »

really? but she doesn't know me at all... do you really think she'd go to a gig with me?

I'm assuming you hung out with her and she gave you her number...?

Elaborate on "she doesn't know me at all".

00011000

hm... I knew one of the two girls she was with...

I didn't get her number, it would have looked bad seeing as I was with my girlfriend at the time.

I found her subsequently through facebook...

We chatting for a brief time and I basically got her name

AARRRGH

OK. I don't think you should contact her directly.

Her friend that you know... could you contact her and arrange a group outing to a gig?

00011000

she isn't truly a "friend of a friend" though.

I met her independently even before I knew she was friends with this other girl...

AARRRGH

OK. Well, whatever you do, you need to be very tactful, as there is a very good chance you're going to scare her off.

Personally I would take the "meet her by accident" route (i.e. go to the pub where you know she drinks) or the meet her via her friend route.

00011000

yeah, totally hear you man. thanks for the advice. I just have to think it out...

LegacyUser

You're overcomplicating it.

Contact her on facebook. Remind her that you met. Ask her if she'd like to go to a gig sometime.

Keep it simple.

She will either say


Yes. .... result

No. .... what harm ? will you die ?

Not this time but maybe in a couple of weeks time. .... don't read too much into it, ask her what she suggests


I wish someone had told me this when I was much younger :-)

AARRRGH

00011000 wrote: »

yeah, totally hear you man. thanks for the advice. I just have to think it out...

No prob.

I hope it works out for you.

sunnyside

AARRRGH wrote: »

Keep it simple. Ask her out to a gig.

Don't tell her your feelings. You risk scaring her off.

It's definitely worth asking. Telling someone you like them shouldn't scare them off.

AARRRGH

sunnyside wrote: »

It's definitely worth asking. Telling someone you like them shouldn't scare them off.

This is what he wants to tell her:

00011000 wrote:

I've been thinking about her constantly since we met

He doesn't really know her, and it has been quite a few weeks.

Contacting her out of the blue (he doesn't have her contact details) and saying anything along the lines of he constantly thinks about her could definitely scare her off!

Or she could think it's really romantic.

It depends on the person.

I think the lowest risk strategy though is to contact her in a non-direct way.

00011000

I think it might be romantic... but i really don't know her... I'm not too worried about scaring her off as i think she can take it...


thing is, i don't have any experience in playing coy, i'm usually just up-front about it.

could it be much better to really get to know her first before i tell her i like her?

I don't know - i just really don't think love works that way. I know so little about her, yet I like her soooooo much... THAT'S the way love works in my world.

00011000

a few more points...

I'm in my early 20's and i've had two major relationships, each lasting over 3 years. So i've been in a relationship since I was about 16, and all through my adult life so far.

For this reason, I don't really know If I want to jump straight into another relationship. I'm kinda scared, but also excited about the prospect of her being "the one".

I just don't have a medium, where I can just see a girl a few times and not really commit to anything. I'm definitely a serial monogamist. Although I do wish I were single sometimes and just see a few girls casually... but I can't!

anyway, my point is... if I come on strong with a girl, and tell her I really really like her... does it necessarily mean that I have to commit a huge amount of time to her???
I sometimes feel that that is the case. That if I don't feel like I want to commit to a girl, I shouldn't go there in the first place, because she might really love me and then I'd have to break her heart, which is something I find almost impossible to do.

00011000

final words.

I really don't think telling her how I feel will scare her. I genuinely think that she would be happy. I mean, come on, if someone, anyone, wrote you a message telling you how great you were, wouldn't it make you happy? You may not feel the same, but it would still give you a sense of satisfaction deep down.

And that's my point in all this, I'm not playing any games, i genuinely do like her a lot, and because of that, I'd like to know she's happy, even for a few hours. I'm obviously not going to keep pestering her or anything. She can take me or leave me and I don't really think I'd mind too much if she doesn't feel the same anyway, because I'm not really sure if I'm ready to be with another girl yet.


SO.... taking ALLLL this into account, should I really get in touch with her at all??? Am I just analysing the situation too much??? ARGH!!!... I just don't want either of us to get hurt.

Wibbs

00011000 wrote: »

Am I just analysing the situation too much???

Yes. Waaaaay too much. It is said he who hesitates is lost, but in matters of the heart, he who analyses is loster*.

Ease up on the throttle, passion wise with her or she will run for the hills. Don't vomit forth your deepest feelings at this stage(and even later) as she will also run to the hills.

Emotional incontinence in a man is one of the biggest turnoffs for women.

Now as people differ, you could get lucky and find one who will overlook that, but you will need to get lucky.









*May not be a real word ; )

tbh

00011000 wrote: »

For this reason, I don't really know If I want to jump straight into another relationship. I'm kinda scared, but also excited about the prospect of her being "the one".

.

What's her mothers name?
What's her favourite colour?
What was the name of her first pet?
If she had the choice of bacon or chocolate, which would she choose?
When did she have her heart broken for the first time?
What fixed it?
Who's her favourite band?
How many kids does she want?
Would she rather be a Goth or an Emo?
What kind of car would she like?



If you can't answer more than 2 of these questions, then don't get excited about her being the "one", ok?

Marksie

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes. Waaaaay too much. It is said he who hesitates is lost, but in matters of the heart, he who analyses is loster*.

I agree with this, juts relax and let things happen

Wibbs wrote: »

Ease up on the throttle, passion wise with her or she will run for the hills. Don't vomit forth your deepest feelings at this stage(and even later) as she will also run to the hills.

Get the balance right OP, it is a point i disagree on, but that where i come from. Emotional openness is part and parcel in my book. I would argue that openly expressing your feelings is perfectly ok

Wibbs wrote: »

Emotional incontinence in a man is one of the biggest turnoffs for women.

I disagree there . Why hold back? If you have feelings its ok to express them. Its how you express them thats important. Let ot be a spontaneous expression rather than a gush. but be aware of what you are really feeling.

00011000

still no response. which sucks...

I disagree with emotional incontinence being one of the biggest turnoffs for women as well. It's served me VERY well up til this point in my life.

The thing is, i'm not trying to win her heart "no matter what"... i.e. lying to her and to myself about who or what I really am. I'm just going to be myself and hope she likes me. That's it. It's pretty much the easiest way.

If she doesn't like me, fair dues. Maybe she'll be a little flattered and i'll continue being single, which ain't half bad.

missmatty

Jesus, you put the heart crossways in me OP :eek: Down until about post 6 I thought I was that girl (until you gave more specific details). I met a guy at a gig about two months ago and we got on really well (nothing happened tho) but he did ask for my number. Never called, and I was really disappointed. Thought maybe he had a girlf but at least he didn't lay a finger on me if he did Just when you were going on about whether she'd remember you from the gig etc....

Go for it. That's all I'd say. You'll be dead long enough

AARRRGH

00011000 wrote: »

I really don't think telling her how I feel will scare her. I genuinely think that she would be happy. I mean, come on, if someone, anyone, wrote you a message telling you how great you were, wouldn't it make you happy? You may not feel the same, but it would still give you a sense of satisfaction deep down.

TBH, if someone I met briefly at a festival a few months ago managed to track me down and sent me messages about how great I am, how much they like me, and basically that they've been obsessing about me, I'd be thinking they were a bit unstable and would not be flattered!

G86

Have you mailed her then yea? Ah fair play to you OP. I think people are beign a bit cynical here, I'd be really flattered, and you never know she could be waiting to hear from you After all, last she knew, you had a girlfriend, so she was hardly going to ask you out first.


I hope she gets back to you If not, sure at least you won't be thinking 'what if'.

00011000

AARRRGH wrote: »

TBH, if someone I met briefly at a festival a few months ago managed to track me down and sent me messages about how great I am, how much they like me, and basically that they've been obsessing about me, I'd be thinking they were a bit unstable and would not be flattered!

it was actually just about 2-3 weeks later and I know her best friend... so it's not like it was hard to find her at all.

and she works with one of my friends as well.

when we finally do talk, I'm hoping she'll respect the fact that I waited a while, in order to get over my previous girlfriend.

00011000

missmatty wrote: »

Jesus, you put the heart crossways in me OP :eek: Down until about post 6 I thought I was that girl (until you gave more specific details). I met a guy at a gig about two months ago and we got on really well (nothing happened tho) but he did ask for my number. Never called, and I was really disappointed. Thought maybe he had a girlf but at least he didn't lay a finger on me if he did Just when you were going on about whether she'd remember you from the gig etc....

Go for it. That's all I'd say. You'll be dead long enough

hehe... it could be you

j/k


yeah, my thinking was that I should really just go for it. What have a got to lose really? Absolutely nothing! I've gone for it now and I don't feel any worse off for it.

00011000

G86 wrote: »

Have you mailed her then yea? Ah fair play to you OP. I think people are beign a bit cynical here, I'd be really flattered, and you never know she could be waiting to hear from you After all, last she knew, you had a girlfriend, so she was hardly going to ask you out first.


I hope she gets back to you If not, sure at least you won't be thinking 'what if'.

yes, I have emailed her... twice now. haha

I really hope she gets back to me as well.

I just have to stand by the belief that she can just see past the "freaky" side of it and concentrate on the message.


OH MY GOD, she's so beautiful...

suckslikeafox

00011000 wrote: »

yeah, my thinking was that I should really just go for it. What have a got to lose really? Absolutely nothing! I've gone for it now and I don't feel any worse off for it.

Great attitude, best of luck to ya

Drodan

Wow you are so me.

From too much personal experience of my own, if I were I'd forget about her and if you meet somehow randomly then fine but just leave it.

It's been several weeks since you met her yes? And I would asume that since you've been thinking about her you've been thinking about certain situations (when you meet up, first kiss etc) So it's a harsh truth here but listen, it won't happen anyway near the way you think.

If your insisting on pursuing this, I have one sugestion on how to manufacture a meeting. Orginise a massive night out with all your friends, tell your friends to invite there friends, and ensure your friend whos best friends with the girl invites her. Then during the night get talking and flirt properly, as if it was the first time you met. You've probably (possibly without knowing) built up a slight relationship in your mind, forget it. Start from sratch.

Chucky the tree

00011000 wrote: »

yes, I have emailed her... twice now. haha

I really hope she gets back to me as well.

I just have to stand by the belief that she can just see past the "freaky" side of it and concentrate on the message.


OH MY GOD, she's so beautiful...

oh dear.


you emailed her a second time even after she didnt reply to you? I dont blame her though, even from a few of your posts here you come off as a bit stalkerish.

G86

Listen hey like I said, I think its great that you got in touch with her, but are you saying you mailed her twice even though she hasn't replied yet?

Don't mail again man, seriously, its going to look at bit bad. I don't mean that in a harsh way at all, but you might freak her out a bit if you keep mailing. Just wait and see.

00011000

well, her mate told me to write to her again to explain my situation about the ex, because as far she knows, i was still with my ex. cos when we met, i was with a girl... and simply changing my status on Facebook is not really enough!

And the way I see it, if she was really freaked out by me, she would have just blocked me. She's just confused.

So yeah, I wrote to her AGAIN. a THIRD time. hahah, this seems crazy and stalker-ish... people usually have a fear of pursuing something, i'm trying to banish those fears from myself by just confronting the fear of looking and sounding like a stalker. All I can be is myself and be honest. If it doesn't stick with her, then seriously, we really are living in a cynical society.

i'm totally just being nice, without being too nice.



to be honest, what's wrong with telling a girl you really care for her and you'd like to get to know her better? I mean... come on!

I didn't ask her mate if the two of them had spoken about this... but the advice her mate was giving me sounded as though they had spoken about it.

and her mate didn't say back off at all...
I'm going to stick to my guns of being honest and not holding back, because even if it doesn't work out, i still feel as though I will have gained a lot in this process.

Drodan

Again? Dude just let it go.

Your building this thing up in your head to be amazing, it's not.

Just forget it now, move on.

00011000

i really don't understand why I would let something go until I get a definite response, especially when her best mate is telling me mail her again and telling me what I should say.

hmmm... here guys, let's just consider this an experiment. i'm not exactly stupid in these matters. was just looking for a second opinion.

00011000

Drodan wrote: »

Again? Dude just let it go.

Your building this thing up in your head to be amazing, it's not.

Just forget it now, move on.

and this is not an opinion, it's a judgement call.

how are my feelings for her not amazing to me?? i really don't get this.

RedXIV

put yourself in her shoes, if you were anyway interested, would you have returned contact by now? if your being ignored, it's usually for a reason mate, this may be an example of a time to let go

Drodan

If you really want to go into this in a proper and deep manner I will but it'll be in a PM not out in the open.

Let me ask you this, how long ago did you and your GF split? And how long ago did you start to seriously think about this girl. I don't mean thinking "yeah she was hot etc etc" I mean seriously think that she could be a possible partner for you.

00011000

i understand when it's time to let go... and it's after I tell her the situation with my ex, which is what her best friend told me to do, because that's what was obviously making her avoid writing back to me.

well, now that i've done that, I suppose I just gotta wait, and if there's still nothing, I'll just have to let go. You are all correct about that.

RedXIV

00011000 wrote: »

i understand when it's time to let go... and it's after I tell her the situation with my ex, which is what her best friend told me to do, because that's what was obviously making her avoid writing back to me.

well, now that i've done that, I suppose I just gotta wait, and if there's still nothing, I'll just have to let go. You are all correct about that.

You don't know that, you're HOPING thats what it is. Trust me mate, i've only read a portion of this thread and i know it's time to cut your losses

00011000

I split with my ex the day after i met this new girl.

roughly 1 month ago now.

I starting thinking she could be a potential partner for me from the second we met. Love at first sight.

guys, you think this is just a flight of fancy. it really isn't.

00011000

RedXIV wrote: »

You don't know that, you're HOPING thats what it is. Trust me mate, i've only read a portion of this thread and i know it's time to cut your losses

oops, yeah, you're right, it's not obviously the reason... I'm just hoping it's the reason.

it's not like i've been constantly bombarding her at all... Geez... I've got a life.

RedXIV

00011000 wrote: »

oops, yeah, you're right, it's not obviously the reason... I'm just hoping it's the reason.

it's not like i've been constantly bombarding her at all... Geez... I've got a life.

lol i know you have a life outside emailing her, i'm coming at the angle of how you're contacting her. I've spent alot of time trying to learn how to effectively communicate and i know you're going about it a bad way. It's like the way pamphlets get shoved through your door. you might read the first, but after that they are just an annoyance. if she's interested, she'll let you know

AARRRGH

00011000 wrote: »

what's wrong with telling a girl you really care for her? And the way I see it, if she was really freaked out by me, she would have just blocked me. She's just confused.

This has moved from cute to psycho.

You need to leave this girl alone. Your mentality and your misinterpretation of your feelings are weird.

You don't really care for her. You don't even know her. You are obsessing about her.

It's unhealthy.

What are you going to do if she doesn't respond to your third e-mail?

00011000

i Guess you're right... we can debate this issue until the cows come home. Thing is, you don't know what I was writing about and how I wrote it. It's more than just a random pamphlet.

you're right about it being time to cut my losses, but the time to do that has just arisen today... and not a moment sooner.

we can only wait and see if I get a response.

Drodan

The day after. As I thought this is just a MAJOR case of transference.

You don't really like this girl, your making yourself believe you do because your so god damn scared ****less of not being in a relationship that the day after you split with your ex you look for a replacement, any replacement. This girl happened to be the first person with any sort of potential so you latched on like a leech to an Aussie man's leg.

Say everything actually does work out, you think your gonna be happy with this new girl?

You miss your ex, if you don't learn to get over her your going to be having these delusions for the rest of your life.

00011000

AARRRGH wrote: »

This has moved from cute to psycho.

You need to leave this girl alone. Your mentality and your misinterpretation of your feelings are weird.

You don't really care for her. You don't even know her. You are obsessing about her.

It's unhealthy.

What are you going to do if she doesn't respond to your third e-mail?

cut my losses and give up.

AARRRGH

00011000 wrote: »

cut my losses and give up.

Great.

I do hope it works out for you, but if she doesn't reply, respect her choice and leave her alone.

00011000

hmm...

I broke up with my girlfriend BECAUSE i met this girl. I gave myself 3 weeks before I got in touch with this new girl...

I don't believe it's transference. I've no fear of being alone.

I'm not just jumping straight into liking this girl at all. I've thought about it.

00011000

AARRRGH wrote: »

Great.

I do hope it works out for you, but if she doesn't reply, respect her choice and leave her alone.

thank you so much.

I might sound like a psychopath right now. However, I've just been trying to get my thoughts and feelings across in an honest and respectful way.

Of course I'm going to respect her choice and leave her the hell alone if she doesn't reply this time.

00011000

Drodan wrote: »

Say everything actually does work out, you think your gonna be happy with this new girl?

You miss your ex, if you don't learn to get over her your going to be having these delusions for the rest of your life.

I don't miss my ex at all... NOT AT ALL. haha

I do genuinely think I'll be happy with this new girl. genuinely. She's beautiful and intelligent and her personality is infectious. She's what i've been looking for all my life.

AARRRGH

Yes, you have been honest with us, so fair play for that.

Drodan

00011000 wrote: »

I broke up with my girlfriend BECAUSE i met this girl.

*slaps self in face at your blindness*

And transferance means your taking your feelings for your ex, and putting them with lets face it this mystery girl(you know nothing about her)with absolutely no grounds for doing so.

Some proper Dr. Phill sh1t going on here, haha.

Oh and you met at a festival, you were probably both drunk off your asses. If this is as a result of yet another ****** someones getting a strongly worded letter!!lol