Work cubicle confession

Thatagirl

Toilet habits in the workplace was the topic of conversation the other night in the pub (should we be talking about world politics instead?!:D) and it was funny realising that most people have funny little habits especially when doing a “No 2” in the workplace cubicles! Everyone had something to say – even the strangers sitting next to us! Some habits included not being able to go unless they were alone (even if that meant waiting for ages!), holding it until they get home, some can’t go if there is someone listening, some spend ages preparing the throne by neatly covering the loo seat with paper and also throwing paper down the bowl, and some people admitted they can’t go unless they are reading something … the list goes on and on! Confess people (!) … what work loo cubicle habits do you have??

Danbo!

I sometimes type in large letters.

AARRRGH

I can't go if someone is using the glory hole next to my head.

barbiegirl

If someone is in the cubilcle beside me I flush the loo so they don't hear the plop :-)

Truck

noblestee wrote: »

I sometimes type in large letters.

Dave!

Nothing strange really... In any public toilets I clean the seat before I sit on it. Then I let loose.

chin_grin

Enter cubicle, close and lock door behind you (make sure it's locked).

Adjust seat to up or down position depending on the need.

Drop trousers (again depending) sit on seat (no.2) and squeeze. Feel the pleasure as it tickles the 'male g-spot'. Try not to get aroused as you may "lock" yourself in the seat and result in having to think of unsexy thoughts. Take out phone and play tetris, Doom RPG or any other game that suits. If you don't have a game then browsing your inbox and sent messages or pictures will suffice.

Get up.

If you have birthed a Monstrous Wonder, take a picture to show your colleagues. Take three pieces of paper from dispenser and wipe affected/covered area. Repeat until there is no brown stain on the lovely white paper anymore.

Pull up trousers, put down lid. Flush. Open door. Wash hands. Back to desk.

junior_apollo

AARRRGH wrote: »

I can't go if someone is using the glory hole next to my head.

I think you'll find thats your ear? :eek:

Truck

Take a dump standing

chin_grin

Truck wrote: »

Take a dump standing

Imagine the shock-wave you get from that drop! Nevermind gently lickin yer ring, it'd lick the ceiling.

kayos

AARRRGH wrote: »

I can't go if someone is using the glory hole next to my head.

At least it gives you something to bite down on if you have a whopper to push....

For me

1) Walk in
2) Check toilet paper supplies
3) Check condition of seat, clean seat.
4) Check for the existance of any previous offerings and flush if needed.
5) Sit back and do the job in hand.
6) Wipe, flush, make sure no floaters or marks left.
7) Wash hands and leave.

Oh the worlds worse invention in bathrooms automatic lights on timers at go off while your in the cubicle. At least put a sensor in the cubucle if your going to use those lights!

Truck

chin_grin wrote: »

Imagine the shock-wave you get from that drop! Nevermind gently lickin yer ring, it'd lick the ceiling.

Yea i'll admit theirs a knack to it, release and move

Phlann

I almost never use toilets in workplaces, except to take a piss. I don't know why.

I used to work in a financial institution and the building we were in had four floors, with toilets on every floor. I noticed this odd phenomenon of 'toilet tourists'... like, everybody from the three floors under us used to come upstairs to stink out our toilets.

In DCU I only felt safe using the library toilets, since they were the only ones that didn't have peep-holes in them. That's what you get for going to a college with loads of media courses, I suppose.

Never understood the peep-hole thing though... I mean, do they come in to college with a Black & Decker or what?

kayos

Phlann wrote: »

Never understood the peep-hole thing though... I mean, do they come in to college with a Black & Decker or what?

Its amazing what you can do with a good compass and a lot of time!
But seriously they had peep holes?

chin_grin

kayos wrote: »

Its amazing what you can do with a good compass and a lot of time!
But seriously they had peep holes?

fap fap fap fap <plop> fap fap fap fap fap fap

Black Swan

Royal flush!

FlutterinBantam

WTF!!!

A shít is a shít.

I march into the cubo, drop the kex and unload with gusto.

I don't care who is in the next cubo,in fact a few months ago in the exec shítter noticed the MD's shoes in the next cubo.

I had a good one boiling, so straight in ,bang the door shut,sit on the pot,sigh,press the trigger and she exploded out like someone emptying a sack of herrings on a tiled floor.
Heard a whispered "jesus Christ" from the next cubicle,so ripped off a wet stinker of a fart followed by a grunt of relief.A right string of pearls it was.

Good unravelling of paper ,a whistle of joy and back to the coalface.


Don't be afraid to let her go people.

AARRRGH

junior_apollo wrote: »

I think you'll find thats your ear? :eek:

Oral Aural sex?

jester77

I use the disabled, the arm rests are great!

Phlann

kayos wrote: »

Its amazing what you can do with a good compass and a lot of time!
But seriously they had peep holes?

In every cubicle.

Some cubicles had several peep-holes and one had a glory-hole which had been boarded up.

You'd spend 10 minutes just blocking all the holes with toilet paper before you could settle down.

AARRRGH

jester77 wrote: »

I use the disabled, the arm rests are great!

That's a bit mean. Surely their lives are hard enough without you ****ting on them.

missmatty

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

WTF!!!

A shít is a shít.

I march into the cubo, drop the kex and unload with gusto.

I don't care who is in the next cubo,in fact a few months ago in the exec shítter noticed the MD's shoes in the next cubo.

I had a good one boiling, so straight in ,bang the door shut,sit on the pot,sigh,press the trigger and she exploded out like someone emptying a sack of herrings on a tiled floor.
Heard a whispered "jesus Christ" from the next cubicle,so ripped off a wet stinker of a fart followed by a grunt of relief.A right string of pearls it was.

Good unravelling of paper ,a whistle of joy and back to the coalface.


Don't be afraid to let her go people.

Now THAT, people, is a post :pac:

CountingCrows

jester77 wrote: »

I use the disabled, the arm rests are great!

Yeah and if they catch you, head for the stairs!

zuutroy

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

she exploded out like someone emptying a sack of herrings on a tiled floor.

10/10

SpookyDoll

Enter jacks, avoid just after breakfast, lunch or first smoke break of the day for obvious reasons, check for turdburglers!

Go to least used cubicle
(studies show that people prefer to use the most brightly lit one, this is indeed true as is demonstrated by the pube encrusted seat and half dissolved phantom sh1t in the one where the light bulb works)

Having rejected unusable cubicles, select least used one, enter rejoice and go in, ensure presence of bog roll and absence of turds, wee and other assorted human debris.

Wipe off toilet seat with TP (yep -some people leave an imprint of their :eek: on there!!) create TP toilet seat template and place on seat, create anti-plopping device from about 2 feet of TP, place strategically over toilet water, close eyes think of Senor CORNHOLIO , launch turd, after it drops silently, wipe bungholio!!!

Flush until nothing remains, leave cubicle, wash hands, JOBS A GOOD UN !!

Ps if someones waiting outside (which never happens) run in, hover, think of Senor CORNHOLIO, wipe and leg it!!!

shels08

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

WTF!!!

A shít is a shít.

I march into the cubo, drop the kex and unload with gusto.

I don't care who is in the next cubo,in fact a few months ago in the exec shítter noticed the MD's shoes in the next cubo.

I had a good one boiling, so straight in ,bang the door shut,sit on the pot,sigh,press the trigger and she exploded out like someone emptying a sack of herrings on a tiled floor.
Heard a whispered "jesus Christ" from the next cubicle,so ripped off a wet stinker of a fart followed by a grunt of relief.A right string of pearls it was.

Good unravelling of paper ,a whistle of joy and back to the coalface.


Don't be afraid to let her go people.

Brilliant 10/10

Kur4mA

Nobody can beat the Flutt. Me? I just go into whichever ****ter is available and use that one provided:
1. it's not overflowing with **** and tp
2. it's not got a ****/piss stained seat that I can't remove with some tp and a bit of elbow greese

Other than this, it's business as usual.

Steve_o

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

WTF!!!

A shít is a shít.

I march into the cubo, drop the kex and unload with gusto.

I don't care who is in the next cubo,in fact a few months ago in the exec shítter noticed the MD's shoes in the next cubo.

I had a good one boiling, so straight in ,bang the door shut,sit on the pot,sigh,press the trigger and she exploded out like someone emptying a sack of herrings on a tiled floor.
Heard a whispered "jesus Christ" from the next cubicle,so ripped off a wet stinker of a fart followed by a grunt of relief.A right string of pearls it was.

Good unravelling of paper ,a whistle of joy and back to the coalface.


Don't be afraid to let her go people.

Brilliant 5 stars...:D

*****

Quality

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

WTF!!!

A shít is a shít.

I march into the cubo, drop the kex and unload with gusto.

I don't care who is in the next cubo,in fact a few months ago in the exec shítter noticed the MD's shoes in the next cubo.

I had a good one boiling, so straight in ,bang the door shut,sit on the pot,sigh,press the trigger and she exploded out like someone emptying a sack of herrings on a tiled floor.
Heard a whispered "jesus Christ" from the next cubicle,so ripped off a wet stinker of a fart followed by a grunt of relief.A right string of pearls it was.

Good unravelling of paper ,a whistle of joy and back to the coalface.


Don't be afraid to let her go people.

I hope you washed your hands...

h57xiucj2z946q

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055136803

Prof.Badass

i always piss when i $hit!

I don't know why but every time i take a dump i end up peeing aswell.I've tried not to but i've never been able too. I suppose if i had an empty bladder i could.

Anyone else notice this?

tricky D

Tips & Techniques
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055351557

Sofaspud

If I need to shit in work, I'll shit in work, but the loudness thing can be a bit embarrassing when there are other people in the jacks. Those rooms are just too echoey and reverbey!

I was once in a public toilet that was constantly in use, so the handryer was more or less permanently on, and this really put me at ease because there was another sound distracting the untrained ear from my windy bowel movements, so while there, I came up with an ingenius idea for a new invention, I call it WANC, or White Ambient Noise for Cubicles(patent pending)

Expect to see me on Dragon's Den shortly, to show my WANC to the audience it deserves!

Heathen

we have a guy called the phantom sh1tter in work.. he comes up from the floor below mine just to sh1t.. and he walks in the door beside where i sit.. walks over to the jax.. 20 mins later he reappears but continous to walk over to the other side of the building and exit through a different door so as not to be noticed.. he has the worst case of bubble gut i have ever heard!! he must eat some amount of crap cos you'd need dyno-rod on standby when you see him coming!!

ball ox

there's this f*c**r in the place I work who keeps wiping snot all over the inside of the cubicles. There's nothing worse than brewing up a bad boy and then sitting down on the throne to realize your surrounded by some apes snot. And its not just a little bit, he either has a huge nose or some kind of snot syndicate going on.

jester77

Sofaspud wrote: »

If I need to shit in work, I'll shit in work, but the loudness thing can be a bit embarrassing when there are other people in the jacks. Those rooms are just too echoey and reverbey!

I was once in a public toilet that was constantly in use, so the handryer was more or less permanently on, and this really put me at ease because there was another sound distracting the untrained ear from my windy bowel movements, so while there, I came up with an ingenius idea for a new invention, I call it WANC, or White Ambient Noise for Cubicles(patent pending)

Expect to see me on Dragon's Den shortly, to show my WANC to the audience it deserves!

Ah, you haven't had the pleasure of using a Japanese toilet with all their fancy buttons and sounds.

Heathen

ball ox wrote: »

there's this f*c**r in the place I work who keeps wiping snot all over the inside of the cubicles. There's nothing worse than brewing up a bad boy and then sitting down on the throne to realize your surrounded by some apes snot. And its not just a little bit, he either has a huge nose or some kind of snot syndicate going on.

oh dude... i used to work in a timber yard in Dublin about 10 years ago and i swear the lads there were trying to build the biggest snot wall in the world.. you wanna make sure your balance was good going into the cubicle cos if you fell over at all, you were covered in snot! scum.. i also have a funny story about another place i worked in, but its much to foul to be read here..

baglady

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

WTF!!!

exploded out like someone emptying a sack of herrings on a tiled floor.

hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa

BraziliaNZ

I jack off in them regularly

MagicMarker

I also add toilet paper before hand... It's a bonus that it stops the plopping sound. The real reason i do it is to stop splash back:( There's nothing worse, especially in a public jax! *shudders*

JæKæ

Got a fright when I went to the work jacks a few years back. It looked like a weasel or a ferret lookin up at me.
Turned out to be a gargantuan turd, about the length and girth of my lower arm. Half was above the surface and I'd say it was lodged in the U-bend. It was still there 2 days later too, God knows how many flushes it withstood. The cleaner that shifted it earned her money that day

Xavi6

jester77 wrote: »

I use the disabled, the arm rests are great!

QFT. Plus they always tend to be much cleaner for some reason.

***Amethyst*** wrote: »

I always lay a few sheets of toilet paper on top of the water to stop the plopping sound.

Ah the oul silencer. I admit I have used it on occassion.

Generally I'm a dump-a-day man in work, usually just after lunch. Spend a good fifteen minutes in there, surfing the net on my phone as I drop the Cosbys off at the pool. If I stink the place out it's an added bonus.

JæKæ

I tend to do it on company time too-gettin paid for it gives me a warm feeling inside. There's no such thing as cuttin it off short either, make sure and clear it all out

Blitzkrieger

Phlann wrote: »

I used to work in a financial institution and the building we were in had four floors, with toilets on every floor. I noticed this odd phenomenon of 'toilet tourists'... like, everybody from the three floors under us used to come upstairs to stink out our toilets.

That's pretty common - why stink up the area near where you have to work. It's also nice not to meet colleagues/hot women on your way to/from the bathroom. There was this one girl that used to work here whose desk was between me and the men's room. I remember rushing past her on my way to the jacks after a night on the stout on many an occasion. She'd usually have a big smile and say hello and I'd have to walk past her again after coming out - usually a good bit later. I probably smelled like an ape......

milod

After a typical night on the Guinness, followed by a batterburger and chips, it has to be the disabled toilets. I need both bars to grip while I gravel-dash the old pot.

There's always a few congealed lumps of lard that have to be forced out. It's like having a blocked nozzle on your pressure washer - when she eventually blows, you need a good grip on the handle in case you lose purchase...

sam34

Macker Eire wrote: »

i also have a funny story about another place i worked in, but its much to foul to be read here..

ah go on.
you know you want to!
sharing is caring...

freewing

Macker Eire wrote: »

oh dude... i used to work in a timber yard in Dublin about 10 years ago and i swear the lads there were trying to build the biggest snot wall in the world.. you wanna make sure your balance was good going into the cubicle cos if you fell over at all, you were covered in snot! scum.. i also have a funny story about another place i worked in, but its much to foul to be read here..

OMFG!!!
I am actually gonna be sick !!!

antodeco

I always go for the Ice Cream topping turn. Nicely circled around and sitting plump. Mostly it turns out being something like tremors, or that crappy (pun intended) show "theres something out there".

Crack one out, and feel the pain leave your lower back, which, because of the size of the thing, more than likely was resting against my lumber spine/ brain. I always try and make sure that it leaves a nice wet mark. Getting better at it. Beggining to look like an overview of a world map. Slowly but surely.

I find though that if anyone is in the cubicle beside me they hop up. Mainly because its so big, it must bend down the jax, back up the other pipe and peak out of the jax beside. Nothing better then not being able to see the end of it, and it needs to be broken up by a large jet of piss of some sort.

Best one I ever did in work was one that caused such a backlog, that an email went around later that day saying that the "toilets are out currently out of use, to empty the reserve tanks (4000 litres or something)". That made my day.

Just did one there. Me thinks a subway footlong will literally fill the gap it left.

Heathen

sam34 wrote: »

ah go on.
you know you want to!
sharing is caring...

ok then, but i warn you this was pretty sick....

I used to work as a fork lift driver in a warehouse on the northside of Dublin many moons ago.. anyway, one friday afternoon leading into a bank holiday weekend, we had a small jax down by the goods-in dept and one of the boys (bit if a headbanger) went in for a barry white.. anyway the plumbing was crap in that bog so it wouldent flush properly.. he list the rag and picked up a big building block and lashed it at the bowl.. the porcelain cracked andbefore we knew what was going on the jax was broken! so that being that we carried on working so we could finish early.. but towards the end of the shift one of the lads was BANGIN for a humpty dump but the other jax was over the other side of the warehouse on the second floor up by the offices.. so he knew he wasent gonna make it.. so we went in and dumped ontop of the brick!!!!!! scumbag!!!!

but wait.. it gets worse......

we returned to work on Tuesday morning to the worst smell imaginable.. when we went to investigate we found not only was there a half flushed turd in the jax, a building block after cracking the bowl, another turd resting on top covered in flies but now the addition of a dead rat on top of the brick....

worst thing i have ever seen... needless to saw the boss went nuts and demolished the downstairs jax forcing us all to use the one up in the offices..

i warned ya it was manky

milod

That's lovely! beats my story nannyways

I was doing a job in Belfast years ago at the Shorts plant up near Newtonabbey. While I was there, some middle aged bloke had a heart attack on the bog. He'd been constipated for days (he told f**king everybody who'd listen...) and when he went to try and squeez it out, he burst a vessel.

Someone noticed he was gone after about 3 hours, and they had to break the door down and lift him off the pot. Apparently the mess was manky - he really relaxed the sphincter in his final minutes.

Best bit was when someone sent flowers to the funeral with a quote about how "his passing had relieved him of the burdens of this earthly existence".

anniehoo

milod wrote: »

Best bit was when someone sent flowers to the funeral with a quote about how "his passing had relieved him of the burdens of this earthly existence".

Tryin not to laugh here..he died an all...but...hehehahhahahaaaaa:D What a way to go!