Major trouble finding a partner :(

pepsi1234

Hello all,

About 8 months ago, I came to terms with my sexuality (I'm a gay guy,22), so naturally tried to set about finding a partner.

As I was not out, I heard about gaydar and decided to try it out. I wasn't expecting much and I did meet a few friends from it but that's all.

So about 2 months ago I took the plunge and went to my first gay bar. I thought that it would be an ideal place for meeting other people and everybody would be friendly and chatting to everybody else. I was wrong...

When I'm in a gay bar I feel...well, ignored. Everyone seems to stick to their own group of friends and doesn't appear to talk to anyone outside of their group. So, obviously this makes me even less likely to approach a guy I may like.

So here I am, I've been looking continously for 8 months with no results?
What am I doing wrong? Going to the wrong clubs? Not staying till closing time?
I'm a good-looking guy (fyi hotornot.com rating of 8.3), well travelled and educated so I didn't think i would have this problem at all! I often wonder how the not-so-goodlooking people find mates. I also see the couples in the bars and wonder how they got together because it seems i've exhausted the two main avenues for meeting people.

How did you find your partner?

Any advice is much appreciated

swiss

I have to agree that the gay scene in Dublin can be very much like a clique at times. I suppose it depends a little bit on where you go, but most people will head out in groups and will tend to stay within that group, with exceptions naturally. I will, for example, sometimes head out by myself because I don't know that many gay people in Dublin (having moved up from the sticks last year) and I'm the sort of guy that likes to do his own thing anyway, but even then I probably wouldn't head to a few gay places because I'd feel like I'm sticking out like a sore thumb.

In terms of advice, well I don't think I have anything you wouldn't have heard before. I might try organising a boards LGB beers for the end of the month or early September if theres interest, it might be a good opportunity for new people to get introduced. Most of us don't bite... much.

pepsi1234

Thanks Swiss.

I only have a few gay friends (two actually!) so when they are busy I do go out on my own as I am very independent. What I always wonder is why do some single people go out and stay with a group all night when surely a gay bar is to meet gay people. If all you wanted to do was dance,drink and listen to music surely they could go to a straight bar...

Rev Hellfire

pepsi1234 wrote: »

Thanks Swiss.

I only have a few gay friends (two actually!) so when they are busy I do go out on my own as I am very independent. What I always wonder is why do some single people go out and stay with a group all night when surely a gay bar is to meet gay people. If all you wanted to do was dance,drink and listen to music surely they could go to a straight bar...

Perhaps they go here since they feel comfortable there.

Lets face it by your description gay bars sound just like 'normal' bars. Few people go to bars in my experience to meet strangers, rather they go in prearranged groups to socialise with their friends.

Perhaps you should look at expending your circle of friends and look to other afterwork activities (ie. there are gay social groups, rugby groups, etc).

pepsi1234

Few people go to bars in my experience to meet strangers, rather they go in prearranged groups to socialise with their friends.

That's what I have discovered much to my chagrin. I'm just very disappointed by the whole gay scene, (meeting people wise)....but I do love Dragon hehe

azezil

I'm a gay guy, single and no I don't go to gay bars just to meet someone, I go to gay bars because thats where my friends go and its jolly good fun!

I have always felt far more comfortable going out for drinks and dancing in gay venues, any straight clubs I go to I more often than not see fights breaking out, in my 5+ years on the gay scene have only ever seen 1 fight in a gay bar... It can be a bit daunting at first to try break into these little 'cliques', but its surprisingly easy and once you get into one, you'll soon find that you know all of the regulars soon enough!

My advise to you is stop trying so hard to meet someone, go out, have a laugh, try flirting, its not that hard to score a guy

Failing that, get extremely drunk and someone'll bag you in no time

azezil

Oh and, the Dragon for some reason is different, older crowd, harder to score... try the George ;P lol
Also you could try queerid.com, friendly bunch of gays always out and about on the scene, meeting up regularly.

pepsi1234

Thanks azezil.

My advise to you is stop trying so hard to meet someone, go out, have a laugh, try flirting, its not that hard to score a guy

Flirting, I'll give it a go. Problem is no one flirts with me and I don't see anyone flirting with anyone else, so I don't want to be the muppet going around like a male slapper if you know what I mean!
I thought it wouldn't be hard to score a guy, but I'm not looking for one night stands. I haven't even been offered one yet anyway which is depressing!! :rolleyes:

I'll try to break into a clique and join queerid. Any thoughts on gaydar, am i wasting my precious time?:cool:

Boston

A huge amount is down to your own personality. Ugly or pretty is fairly relative, especially when talking about a relationship as opposed to a quick score. I'd go further and say its probably one of the most trivial things once you get into a serious relationship.

You where always going to be disappointed with that impression of gay bars. They aren't that different to straight bars. There isn't this huge community spirit.

moridin

Nope, I wouldn't say you're wasting your time, just that it's very easy to find tossers on there or on any other site really... Shouldn't take too much talking to someone (whether it's over IM or some chat thing) to see what they're looking for and what kinda person they are.

I'd suggest looking for friends first and take things slowly...

BuffyBot

About 8 months ago, I came to terms with my sexuality (I'm a gay guy,22), so naturally tried to set about finding a partner.

Maybe that's the issue. You've got a predetermined aim, like a partner is a lung and essential for living.

Just start making friends, enjoying yourself and let things evolve naturally.

shewasoctober

BuffyBot wrote: »

Maybe that's the issue. You've got a predetermined aim, like a partner is a lung and essential for living.

Just start making friends, enjoying yourself and let things evolve naturally.

+1
This really is the beast advice. Typically, it's when you are content being single and aren't really looking that you tend to meet someone who shakes things up a bit. Check out some GLBTQ forums, join some social groups (there are plenty in Dublin), go out with no expectations . . . let things run their course. If you have 2 gay friends, then why not go out with them. Maybe even have them bring some of their friends along.

I met my partner when I least expect. We actually met online and were living in different countries. I visited once, and visited again, and now we've been together for almost 9 months, and I have moved to Dublin. Things happen, especially when you least expect them to. Give it time and try not to focus on the partner things so much. It will happen. Just have fun and enjoy life.

Boston

Can agree more with the "no expectations" stance. Opportunities tend to pop up when you least expect them to.

azezil

pepsi1234 wrote: »

Thanks azezil.



Flirting, I'll give it a go. Problem is no one flirts with me and I don't see anyone flirting with anyone else, so I don't want to be the muppet going around like a male slapper if you know what I mean!
I thought it wouldn't be hard to score a guy, but I'm not looking for one night stands. I haven't even been offered one yet anyway which is depressing!! :rolleyes:

I'll try to break into a clique and join queerid. Any thoughts on gaydar, am i wasting my precious time?:cool:

Gaydar I've found, when I was your age (not so much now) was like shooting fish in a barrell, I dated a couple of guys I met thru the site and made some friends. Like any other site / pub / club, it has some people who are genuine, some people who just want a shag and so on.

LegacyUser

pepsi1234 wrote: »

Thanks Swiss.

I only have a few gay friends (two actually!) so when they are busy I do go out on my own as I am very independent. What I always wonder is why do some single people go out and stay with a group all night when surely a gay bar is to meet gay people. If all you wanted to do was dance,drink and listen to music surely they could go to a straight bar...

Yeah, its endemic though. I have a bunch of acquaintances (they are drinking buddies, I wouldn't describe them as friends) whom I once went on holidays with. They decided they didn't like the busiest gay bar, shoved themselves into some awful one that was half full of straights and then all moaned it was impossible to meet anybody.

I drifted off by myself and pulled twice in 5 days, not to mention getting to know a few more people I couldn't have met had I just stuck like glue to the girls I went with.
Didn't go down to well with that crowd of course, some were very resentful that walking away from them got me places.

You have to break the mould sometimes, in order to get anywhere. Gay people are territorial and a lot of my buddies turned on me saying, "come and drink with your friends?" (I'd met some of them for the first time in the previous 4 weeks).

Well done for you for correctly identifying your two friends as genuine friends. After years of being out I'd say I'd have maybe 4 or 5 genuine gay friends in Ireland (and 2 or 3 elsewhere) I could count on, but dozens of drinking buddies like above. A lot of people get pulled into the illusion of friendship on the scene, but a lot of it is like Facebook - promiscuous friends who are just people you know rather than people who really care about you. (In fact its for this reason I'm posting this anonymous

Perhaps join one of the many sports and social groups that have popped up. They are definitely a better way of meeting people who'm you can really connect with than the pubs and clubs.

Remember also that under the influence of drink and drugs, people are different!

CDUK

I must admit I found the george to be very cliquey, I went there and just sat on my own drinking a pint. Nobody said hello, smiled or anything, the barman didn't even say hello. It was the 'bridles' (spelling?) bar. There was a good few in there, but I would have thought a new face would attract more attention. Anyway to the OP good luck and I agree QID and Gaire are worth joining, even just to make friends, you never know they might become more!

Trance

You won't have much luck when out in The George if you don't have the confidence and the amazing social skills to talk and chat your way into other tight groups.. which, I'd imagine is quite hard if you're not in one yourself. Then again though, The George is probably the worst nightclub/bar to go to if you're looking to meet new people.

The Dragon is better and then The Front Lounge on Parliament Street two minutes away is even more so than both The George and The Dragon so that's where I'd go if I had to go out alone. If you still think you might feel awkward there at night well then go during the day instead.. they do lunch during the day. It could be just as if you're stoppin in for somethin to eat. People are much friendlier and chattier there.

.. or alternatively, you could always take up smoking. . The nicest people in bars and nightclubs are always standing outside having a cigarette and chatting with randomers.

As for the internet, gaydar is the biggest waste of time ever and basically you can do nothing on the site unless you're paying them. Queerid is good, people are friendly. Ladslads.com has a lot of Irish people also; a large amount are sex-pests but a lot of ok people too.

pepsi1234

Thanks for all the replies.

I realize that sometimes trying too hard can be counterproductive but I've always been a 'go-getter' and learnt the hard way that something you want never falls in your lap.

One reason for wanting a partner is that, truthfully, I'm sick of being alone. I want someone to spend some quality time with as well as being intimate with.
I hope I don't give off an air of desperation, but I don't think this is the case.
Another reason is that I have not been with a guy before. I've been with a few girls before and enjoyed that. However, I wouldn't feel right letting people know I'm gay if I've never been with or had any experience with a guy.

I was on gaydar religiously for about 1 whole year. I met some guys and we seemed to get on and had a lot in common texting and MSN but when we met there was nothing there. I recently met one guy...I thought there was something there and suggested we remain friends by text but he obviously didn't and didn't reply to my text either.....that hurt!! Kind of been burnt by gaydar so I deleted my account.

So, I have about 4% of the population to choose from and I am attracted to very few guys as well so probably less than 1%, how depressing *sigh*
I suppose I just have to keep going to gay bars and hope something 'magical' happens. Oh, and am going into final year in college so will join the LGBT society soon, so hopefully I can make some contacts that way!!

azezil

Chin up, it's not all that bad. Sure we all get knocks from time to time but you really need to take care of number 1 first, when you're happy in yourself the rest will fall into place

LGBT soc's will help expand your social circle, I've no doubt you'll find someone in no time at all

Boston

Sometimes, if your open to them, things can just fall into your lap when you least expect it. Don't get disheartened about the percentages either.

Reflector

it takes a while but you'll make friends. Might I suggest joining some gay clubs. Rugby, running, hill walking all have gay clubs among others. It means that your not just relying on making friends in a pub setting.

ongarboy

hi there. I think you need to meet a few new friends before a partner comes along. I know that finding friends on the scene can be almost as hard as finding a partner sometimes . When you make new friends, in turn you meet their friends and one of them could be Mr Right. But it's important that you don't try to engineer or calculate it to happen that way. Let things run their course naturally. As per the other posters, joining social groups is a good way of meeting new friends that are not just out for one nite stands.. There are sports/hillwalking/choirs/dining out groups out there. Contact Outhouse or gcn.ie for more info. It may be an idea to pop into one of the bars on a quieter night (earlier on in the week) where it might be easier to strike up a conversation with someone else. Pantibar (formerly Gubu) on Capel St is a nice unintimidating bar for this. I find going into Front Lounge on a Sat nite may not be the best outlet to meet new friends due to place being packed and everyone appearing to hang out in groups.

Meeting your soulmate on the scene does happen however. I wandered into the George by myself about 4 years ago on a Sat nite after a works do. I made eye contact with a sexy boy and he has been the love of my life ever since. I didn't set out to meet a partner that night - just wanted a bit of fun and it turned into something far better. So there is hope for you and other single boys out there too!!!

pepsi1234

Thanks a mil...gives me alot of hope

When you say you made contact with that sexy boy, what happened after that? As I see it the traditional 'roles' are blurred in my mind as to who should make the first move etc..

I have been thinking about going to the outhouse for a coffee...can anyone tell me what kind of atmosphere to expect?

My only fear about joining specifically gay groups is that I find that some gay people can take being gay too seriously. I mean that they live in a sort of gay bubble, everything they do revolves around being gay (only gay friends, only go to gay friendly bars etc). In my opinion, too much of anything is bad and living in such a closed community can be isolating and destructive (much like immigrants moving to a country and living in their sub-community all their lives....I have a lot of experience in this)
Anyway,I would like to meet someone like me who being gay is not such a big influence over their lives and I think (could be totally wrong here...apologies!) that people who seek out specifically gay things more often than not seem to be consumed with being gay. Can anyone see what I'm getting at here?
/rant

PeteK*

To be honest, I pratically met my partner on the internet.. (kept in touch that way) with him a year.. things are a bit fecked now but we might hold in there..

Personally, I don't wanna meet a potential partner on the net again.. cos they'll keep up with the online searching..

From what I've come across, it's hard to find a decent gay man who isn't a whore.

(That doesn't mean there aren't any tho'!)

P.s. I'll be your friend! But I'm crap at meeting lads, at least you've managed to head out alone!!!

swiss

Chatmaster wrote:

From what I've come across, it's hard to find a decent gay man who isn't a whore.

Perhaps you're looking in the wrong places. I'm going to hazard a guess and say you've used gaydar, which is a gay hookup site, or something similar. You're going to find decent guys on it but you're also going to find a lot of guys looking to just hook up. Its the nature of the beast.

I have a little theory that a lot of the decent guys that you're alluding to don't like to advertise themselves. They might be looking for that Mr. Right, but don't want to expose themselves (metaphorically speaking) either in person, or online. So you'll get a bigger number of people who just want to hook up and who have no qualms about saying so express themselves online or in personal ads in print media.

Boston

pepsi1234: That's to be expected. When you think about it, sexuality is a really poor thing to have in common with someone, so if you go to specifically gay groups and places, chances are you're not going to have much in common with most of these people bar your sexuality, and its the same for other. I'd hazard a guess thats why it can all seem so overly gay focused, its the common denominator. That was my experience of my college LGBT soc anyway. You probably will meet some people you do click with though.

Chatmaster: "Whores" stand out. Guys looking for "Mr Right" or even just "Mr monagamous" won't show up as easily.

PeteK*

swiss wrote: »

Perhaps you're looking in the wrong places. I'm going to hazard a guess and say you've used gaydar, which is a gay hookup site, or something similar. You're going to find decent guys on it but you're also going to find a lot of guys looking to just hook up. Its the nature of the beast.

I have a little theory that a lot of the decent guys that you're alluding to don't like to advertise themselves. They might be looking for that Mr. Right, but don't want to expose themselves (metaphorically speaking) either in person, or online. So you'll get a bigger number of people who just want to hook up and who have no qualms about saying so express themselves online or in personal ads in print media.

Yeah I've used it.. but my profile does not say the 1-on-1 sex thing.. it's just marked I want friends, chat and email.. I've met a few guys (not in person) who appear to be decent. Hmm. Your theory sounds good and very true!

Boston wrote: »

pepsi1234: That's to be expected. When you think about it, sexuality is a really poor thing to have in common with someone, so if you go to specifically gay groups and places, chances are you're not going to have much in common with most of these people bar your sexuality, and its the same for other. I'd hazard a guess thats why it can all seem so overly gay focused, its the common denominator. That was my experience of my college LGBT soc anyway. You probably will meet some people you do click with though.

Chatmaster: "Whores" stand out. Guys looking for "Mr Right" or even just "Mr monagamous" won't show up as easily.

Yeah that's true. For now, I'm doing OK.

Rick_

Pepsi, you sound lovely! I feel exactly the same as you, (only Im 23! )

Gaydar is full of old pervy men looking a shag (or at least the ones that contact me seem to be, the others I make contact with all turn out to be complete w@nkers within a day or two of talking to them when they realise you aren't going to go and meet them for a buck).

I hope you can find someone that makes you happy. If I lived closer I'd ask you out for a coffee and a chat somewhere and we could hit the pubs together so if no-one chatted to us we could at least chat to each-other! Chin up, these things usually do happen when you least expect it. The few experiences I have had (only snogs though) certainly weren't expected but they were quite nice! It will happen when it happens, (if only they would hurry up and happen already!!)

azezil

Why do people sit around complaining that guys don't come up to them, that things don't happen for them?
Get up off your lazy hole, go out there and meet someone or else just STFU

Boston

I just don't get it. I stand there with my arms crossed growling and grunting at anyone who comes near me and also generally looking bored to death. Don't they realise that's my way of saying "I need a hug"? Anyway, yea, azezil has some kind of point, eventually the bullet has to be bitten.

JBoyle4eva

Actually, I wanna say thanks to the advice (particularly azezil) for advice on getting out on the scene. I've been out a year, but seeming I'm from the sticks and a college weeknight doesn't involve trekking from Maynooth to the city during term, I've only been once(even then, I was home by 1.....had college stuff the next day).

But at least this year I hope to get out much more. I've gotten involved with the GLB soc in Maynooth so hoping i can go out with them and a few other mates.

Rick_

Well Pepsi, any update on the situation yet? How are things going for you? Let us know.

shoegirl

pepsi1234 wrote: »

That's what I have discovered much to my chagrin. I'm just very disappointed by the whole gay scene, (meeting people wise)....but I do love Dragon hehe

Not only do they go in prearranged groups to pubs, there is a terrible herd mentality on the scene, they go in prearranged groups to social events, holidays and even protests. As a lone wolf it can not only be extraordinarily difficult to break in, but even if you do make one or two friends, I have found it can be like a bitchy secondary school - their other friends might not like you and sometimes make it VERY obvious in a way that would normally be only heard in a kennel. The herd being what it is, you can be left with the option of hanging about with people whose friends are going as far as spreading malicious rumours about you, or opting out altogether. I personally find that very difficult as its a catch22 situation.