Is 13 alot?

LegacyUser

poseted this thread a while ago but dont think it came up.
basically im 22 ive slept with 13 men, lost my viriginity at 16, but didnt have a sexual partner for a few yrs after that, in the last yr well over a yr ive slept with 10 men.
ive recently met someone who i think is quite special, this conversation may come up, id like to be honest but i think he may think im a tramp
opinions appreciated

Nevyn

So you have been sexually active for 6 years and have slept with 13 men so that is 2 and bit men per year ?
As long as you are happy with the choices you made and you protected yourself then it should not be an issue.

Orizio

If he thinks your a 'tramp' for an active sex life, then clearly he isn't that 'special' or a gentleman.

Dragan

Orizio wrote: »

If he thinks your a 'tramp' for an active sex life, then clearly he isn't that 'special' or a gentleman.

Spot on.

LegacyUser

most men that i know would consider it trampish, and wouldnt go near a women who slept with that many men.
i dont regret sleeping with them as i said there was reasons for it, but still im just afraid that it may affect this.

LegacyUser

but would someone that "special" or a gentleman want anything to do with someone who's slept with that many guys?

mbren

i hate when the "how many people have you slept with" question comes up! that is nobodies business but your own. tell him if your comfortable with it, an if your not, tell him to mind his own business!

trio

This conversation should not come up - I have never been asked that question in my life - not even from my husband.

If he does ask, then it's pretty unattractive of him, frankly. You should smile and say "That's my business" and leave it at that. If he continues with "I've told you mine, why won't you tell me yours?" then you should be getting pee'd off, frankly and feel free to show it.

A woman is allowed to have private information. No, it's not a secret - it's just private. Neither do you have to tell him anything about losing your virginity, or what your weight is, or anything you don't want to discuss.

If you think you may be a tramp because of your sexual history over the last year, then that means you have come up against a standard hidden deep within your own mind that you feel you may not be adhering to. But it's your standard - no-one elses. And if you feel like it's not something you should be doing - then simply try to cut down on your sexual partners in 2009.

von Neumann

I know I'm mega conservative, but I won't tell him.....he doesn't really need to know.

ryoishin

Ok, honestly he might be tense about it but I dont think its a relationship breaker.

There might be a few days where he s a little off or something or maybe not. You might have slept with way more people than him and it could be a blow to his ego. Or it might not be an issue for him. Only one way to find out, just remember hes a bloke and his ego will bruise easily.

I have to say if I asked someone I was in a relationship with how many people they were with and they told me to mind my own business, I would nt be impressed. Honesty is the best policy for any relationship (well we all white lie) espically if your worried about STIs and stuff.

BC

If he genuinely likes you then its irrelevant whether you've slept with 2 or 20 men. To be honest, I can't believe people actually ask this question. I have never asked a boyfriend and have never been asked. Its nobody elses business.

On the STI issue - i've no problem being asked if i've been tested. Thats a sensible question, i still wouldn't expect to be asked how many people i've slept with.

Wurly

whatdoyouthink wrote: »

but i think he may think im a tramp
opinions appreciated

Well then he would be an arse and not worth your time.

You cannot change your past and so you need to accept it. If anyone else has an issue with it, then that's their problem, not yours.

I don't know how people can quantify how many is too many. There are so many factors to consider.

You have chosen to be intimate with 13 people. That's your business. And your business should not be subject to scrutiny from someone else. You don't have to tell him anything, remember that.

I hope he doesn't judge you OP but if he does, tell him to feck off.

Good luck.:)

helimachoptor

OP I think its a lot of men to have slept with in 1 year but since 6 no its not.

TBH when I go out with a girl her past is her past. I don't ask questions about it because I dont want to know. She had a life before she met me and whatever she did it it is up to her.

I've gone out with girls who have had a lot more partners that me and some that have had only 1 or 2. TBH I ain't too bothered either way. If he asks tell him but he probably will be intimidated by it.

tobiesheba

If the "How many people have you slept with" conversation comes up in any relationship I think a lot of the time it spells disaster. Best avoided in my humble opinion. It proves nothing and I fail to see how it can enhance the relationship.

StandnDeliver

why should it factor into anything.Surely the main point should be did you have safe sex,have you had an std check etc are you clean.That is the responsible thing and what matters.If the guy is gona freak out about it then its his problem.

Wibbs

whatdoyouthink wrote: »

most men that i know would consider it trampish, and wouldnt go near a women who slept with that many men.
i dont regret sleeping with them as i said there was reasons for it, but still im just afraid that it may affect this.

Then as others pointed out they're not much cop as men. One of the kindest most attractive woman I've ever known has slept with a lot of men in the past. I can tell you any man that ends up with her in love with him will be a lucky guy.

My principle on this, I would rather be somebodies last than somebodies first.

Dragan

whatdoyouthink wrote: »

but would someone that "special" or a gentleman want anything to do with someone who's slept with that many guys?

Hmmmm, most of my female friends seem to think i am quite gentlemanly and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Why would it? The chap in question will have his own sexual history. I never really see the need to go into this type of thing myself...what happened before is in the past and all that.

homerjay2005

in reality its not a lot, but what he doesnt know wont hurt him! its not really his business to be honest. id rather not know , but thats only me.

if you have slept with more people that him, then you may make him feel insecure. id say keep mouth shut or else lie! 4 or 5 would keep him happy perhaps!

edit : few posts saying that you shouldnt ask a girl, any girlfriend that i have ever had, has asked me and 2 of them got quite thick when i said, " i dont want to know about your past, so id rather if you didnt know about mine".

i told one girl and she didnt like the fact that i was with away more people than her...so i just say " a few" now if pressured into it. buts its something that i avoid.

Lord Muck

ah , dont be worrying , 13 isn't alot for a 22 year old. your obviously NOT from my neck of the woods

Its always a dodgy conversation though , better to keep clear of it
altogether .

Tak3n

My girlfriend told me she slept with 10 people before me. I pretended like it didn't bother me and even now 5 months later it still does.

Men dont like picturing another guys manhood inside you

But on the otherhand if u didn't tell him when he asked and refused to i would be thinking to myself if i was in his shoes that u must be a super tramp with 40+ under your belt.


My advice is to lie and say 2 guys which you had a long-term relationship with that way noones hurt by the past which is irrelavant.


My punctuation sucks

stovelid

whatdoyouthink wrote: »

most men that i know would consider it trampish, and wouldnt go near a women who slept with that many men.
.

I hope all these men abstain from sex with any woman they meet as not to up their 'tramp count'?

Tak3n wrote: »

But on the otherhand if u didn't tell him when he asked and refused to i would be thinking to myself if i was in his shoes that u must be a super tramp with 40+ under your belt.

My punctuation sucks

So does your attitude, in fairness.

AARRRGH

whatdoyouthink wrote: »

is 13 alot?

As long as you're only sleeping with people you want to sleep with, there is no right or wrong number.

Liam Byrne

Let's look at it logically......

It's not "how many" that makes you a tramp, it's the attitude that you had when you decided to hook up with them.

1) Desperate / Just "up for it" / Anyone will do = dodgy territory
2) Out for fun and sure we'll see how it goes = fine by me
3) In an OK "relationship" / seeing someone = perfectly normal
4) In love = perfectly normal

So, given that you could easily be "seeing [a different] someone" 2 or 3 times a year - you do the maths.

It's mad, though - why's the automatic judgement assumed to be "a tramp"; what about "unlucky in love" (if a lot of them were in relationships that didn't work out) or whatever else life might have thrown at ya....?

Only you'll know the stories behind the numbers - and we've all had a few "God, what was I thinking ?" encounters, so even a few of those don't make you a write-off.

As Wibbs said (although I think he robbed it from a Joe Diffie song) "if I was not the first, just say I'll be the last.....it's too much to expect, but it's not too much to ask...."

P.S. I just did my own maths (and I'm no gigolo and would think I'm slightly conservative / considerate, passing up a good few opportunities if it didn't feel reasonably right) and....... :eek: or :cool: , depending on your viewpoint.....and that's the main point.

I'd nearly say not to ask or offer the info.....I mean, who cares as long as you're having fun, being sound to each other and there's a "maybe" in relation to where it might go ?

[edit] P.P.S. How did AAARGH manage to say what I was saying in a single line ?

Colonel_McCoy

I have been asked the same question and left out a few..........probably best for all parties.

Marksie

the old adage: If you wont like the answer, dont ask the question comes to mind.

I find it interesting that there is so much reticence about what is essentially a past. Hence the term history.

Some of the taining I have done involevs sitting opposite a partner and talking for 15 minute on what you have done and the other lsitening.
designed to show that these conversations can be had in an open way.

The thing is you dont regret it.
But some people seem to think that because yuo ahve had a sex life in the past its a personal affront to thei ego. Rather than juts enjoying the fcat you are open and can actually enjoy sex

trio

I have to say if I asked someone I was in a relationship with how many people they were with and they told me to mind my own business, I would nt be impressed.

Well I actually meant that you'd say it in a smiling, joking, laughing way, but that didn't come across. I just meant that you'd laugh it off.

If he continued to push it, and his laughter got a bit strained, then I'd think it odd that he obviously really, really wanted to know. I'd wonder if actually he kinda needed to know. And you don't want to be with any partner, male or female who needs to know that!

pwd

I'd have thought most men would hate to hear their girlfriends talk about other sex partners / refer to sex they had before they met them etc.
It's unpleasant to think of someone you love with someone else, and it's unpleasant to think of someone you used to be with talking about your personal life like that.

Aside from that, some girls bring home different guys every week. That's what a tramp is - and a guy wouldn't have to ask about it to find out.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

My principle on this, I would rather be somebodies last than somebodies first.

ive never heard that line before but im going to remember it.
i think im afraid of this question because my ex asked me how many i had slept with with was 2 and he went mental called me a slut, tramp, whore, ive never in my life seen such disgust on someones face, i felt humiliated by it and i still have issues surrounding this.
i would be of the opinion that your past is your past, and as many of you have said everyone has a past.
i suppose i just realise that i found something good and deep down i know he probably wont ask me but its just the way in which my ex made such a deal out of it that it sticks with me

anthony4335

Lie, as some men say they want to know but don't. I do not understand how anyone could ask the question, it bears not relivance to a relationship. An I don't not think this is a lot, it is a lot for those who are not getting the chance to have that many incounters. This question should never be asked by anyone, just like the question of experience and am I better than you last partner. If you are that insecure get help. The only questions that should be asked ,are you happy and satisfied, if not how can I change that.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately most lads would think you are a tramp.

Personally I don't.

Lets say a girl starts having sex at 16 (possibly earlier these days).

Lets say she is now 23.

She has been having sex for 8 years now.

She has had sex with 3 person per year (HIGHLY CONSERVATIVE)

= She has had sex with 24 men.

Lets say she has had sex with an average of 5 men per year. (AGAIN HIGHLY CONSERVATIVE)

= She has had sex with 40 men.

So lads, cop on.

beth-lou

13 years with my hubby, married 2 and we've never had that conversation. It's not relevant. What purpose does it serve? The most important thing is were you safe and are you clear of sti's.
For the record he was number 13 and I was 21. And I was not one for sleeping around. I reckon it's pretty average.

LegacyUser

thanks so much for all of your comments
you have no idea how much relief im getting from reading them. i honestly thought that this was a HUGE issue with men, i obviously just picked a rotten apple in relation to my ex

meglome

It's no ones business, I never tell. To be honest I'm not even sure myself, not because it's huge numbers but because it's not something I ever think about.

Irishcrx

I wouldn't worry about op, it's down to you being happy with your choices. For example I'm 21 and have only ever been with two girls, i'm totally happy with that cause that's the way I am. I'm not into one night stands or any of that, if your happy that's all that matters and this bloke will accept you for who you are as you will him.

eveie

i had a similiar problem with an ex of mine, i have not slept with many people at all, but he made such a deal about it, i couldnt understand it.
in answer to your question.....no i dont think its too many and if someone does have an issue with it then they must be somewhat insecure. this conversation should never be brought up as someone said it doesnt tend to enhance relationships

Orizio

whatdoyouthink wrote: »

but would someone that "special" or a gentleman want anything to do with someone who's slept with that many guys?

I'm sorry but either your meeting with the wrong type of men, or else you have a rather negative picture of males in general. I, at least, wouldn't ask how many sexual partners my girlfriend had because it was none of my business and irelevent.

If he makes a big deal, or dumps you because of your sexual activity then count yourself lucky.

Tigger

Tak3n wrote: »

My girlfriend told me she slept with 10 people before me. I pretended like it didn't bother me and even now 5 months later it still does.

Men dont like picturing another guys manhood inside you

But on the otherhand if u didn't tell him when he asked and refused to i would be thinking to myself if i was in his shoes that u must be a super tramp with 40+ under your belt.


My advice is to lie and say 2 guys which you had a long-term relationship with that way noones hurt by the past which is irrelavant.


My punctuation sucks

say three
ad 1 one night stand

stevelknievel

I have asked and been asked this one before. Ideally, less is better, but it's not that big of a thing. Especially 13 at age 23. If it was 23 at age 13, there'd be problems. If anyone does ask though, you are much better off to answer. Otherwise it's going to be in his head, and he's going to blow it way up and assume it's something ridiculous, like 100.

robtri

hey, this was your choice and as long as you where happy with your choices then you are fine, your past is what makes you today. if this guy believes you are special then he has to accept your past and no 13 isn't a lot,

Dudess

Just don't bother telling him - I know you like being honest, but you don't have to be honest when it's not necessary. It really isn't his concern.
If he were to become uncomfortable because of all the experience you have, well if you were in a relationship from 16 until recently, you'd have had far more sex than you've had in reality, and yet that would be far less problematic. The past is the past - it's futile going back over it.

Wagon

It use to bother me actually but then i learned that 13 is about the average for most women about 22 -23 so your not a tramp. Besides, ask him and see what answer he gives. A that shags anything that moves is just as bad as a woman who does it. you don't sound like a slapper to me. Maybe he' a little concerned about STIs and such, which is a very valid reason to be concerned. Once you've protected yourself though then you've nothing to worry about.

Dragan

whatdoyouthink wrote: »

thanks so much for all of your comments
you have no idea how much relief im getting from reading them. i honestly thought that this was a HUGE issue with men, i obviously just picked a rotten apple in relation to my ex

Good stuff. Some people are just insecure around sex.

Personally i find it to be a relationship killer as it seeps into other area's. Trust your new fella, tell him if you want to, don't if you don't. If he is the guy you think he is he will understand either way.

LegacyUser

Had to go unreg for this,

Honey, 13 is NOT a lot.

I'm well over 130 at 26 with and I just got out of a two year monogomous relationship.

You should never have to defend yourself, I just happen to like sex and people just happen to like me. It's a good life.

herya

I don't think the number is relevant & I don't think anybody should have issues with their partner's stats. What might be relevant though is the frequency of partner changes, kind of pattern that may emerge and the kind of relationships preferred & expected.

Example: if I was to hook up for what looks like a long term relationship with a guy and I learnt that he had 20 partners in the previous year (which is hardly "unlucky in love") and I had 1, I could have wondered myself is it realistic that he'd be satisfied with one partner, also what qualities does he look for in a relationship, are they the qualities I can provide and look for etc. Essentially, are we a good match re: temperament.

Some people can make the switch from multiple casual relationships to a serious commitment easily, some can't. The frequency of partner changes and the background of these relationships may or may not be telling something but I wouldn't keep it from my partner and I would expect to receive the information myself to make an informed decision.

Bottle_of_Smoke

whatdoyouthink wrote: »

thanks so much for all of your comments
you have no idea how much relief im getting from reading them. i honestly thought that this was a HUGE issue with men, i obviously just picked a rotten apple in relation to my ex

Whoa, whoa whoa.

It is a huge issue with the vast majority of men. The posts on this thread suggesting otherwise are more idealogical than logical.

Men are programmed to want their women to be virgins. Hymens didn't evolve for the laugh. It's not relevent in this day & age but you can't wipe out 4million years of evolution with modern culture.

Now the vast majority won't expect a virgin & your ex must have been very insecure if he had a problem over 2.

13 isn't really much, though it's more than me & I'm 23 and male. I'd imagine I've been with more women than most of my male friends too. I reckon if I heard 13 from a girl I really wouldn't like it. Even if I'd had more partners. What people should feel and what they DO feel are generally very different things.

If I heard more than 5 from a girlfriend I know it would piss me off. And that's why I NEVER EVER EVER ask. I know it's ridiculous but I know it's how I'll feel.

Just imagine your boyfriend has only had sex with four women, which isn't all that unusual for a guy your age, 16-22 year old women tend to go for older men. He'll freak out, he may pretend he's fine but he'll be on the lookout for a "safer bet" as soon as you tell him.

Lie. Tell him it's none of his business. Say you've been with 3 if you really must.

AARRRGH

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

The posts on this thread suggesting otherwise are more idealogical than logical.

I agree with this.

The rational and reasonable part of me will accept any figure she tells me, but the animal part of me would prefer if she was a virgin.

Saying all that, he should accept your past. After all, ALL your life experiences have made you the girl he loves.

Unreg caveman

Unreg caveman wrote: »

Had to go unreg for this,

Honey, 13 is NOT a lot.

I'm well over 130 at 26 with and I just got out of a two year monogomous relationship.

You should never have to defend yourself, I just happen to like sex and people just happen to like me. It's a good life.

If this is true, and I have no reason to doubt it, then the only thing I would say is that you are a health hazard to the male population. Even practising safe sex this number is dangerous. It averages at over 1 a month since you were 16. You have more sex than menstrual cycles. This is just plain dangerous. No wonder STI's have risen exponetially in Ireland over the last 10 years. (not saying you are the sole cause )

Liam Byrne

You have more sex than menstrual cycles.

With a username like "caveman", combined with calling the OP "honey", I wouldn't doubt it!!

Deleted User wrote: »

.....then the only thing I would say is that you are a health hazard to the male population.

Again, watch the username.

And I'm not being unhelpful or facetious here.....there's a point to this, and I'm just using Kayroo's oversight to throw in a question.....if there are people judging that the OP is high, or that caveman is high while previously under the apparently mistaken assumption that caveman is a woman, does that figure that makes it "too high" change ?

i.e. are there people posting in this thread with blatant double-standards ?

Not judging or assuming.....just asking.....

2 or 3 partners per year is by no means excessive, but what "is" ? And, if we see a figure that's generally "acceptable" (or a range of figures, since people are different) then shouldn't they be equally acceptable for male and female ?

I'd probably view 130 as excessive - it looks high and would shock a lot of people "on its own"....but if the caveman was in their 50s, and the argument for the 2 or 3 a year is still valid, it'd be fairly low.

Ahem....(delicate clearing of throat).... does nobody wait 'til they're married anymore? ( cowering in fear of backlash......)

StormWarrior

OP, you sound like you feel bad about yourself because of your behaviour. If you feel ashamed and regretful, and worried about what people will think, that will show and people will think badly of you. If you hold your head up, accept yourself and like yourself, others will also accept you.

anthony4335

130, That is quite a lot, you must be on the mailing list for Durex, and the STD clinic. Still if you average that out, if they were all one night stands, and you have been active for 10 years that still only makes it 1.3 a month. Now that is one to lie about if asked by a partner. Still I'm impressed what ever gender you are, but the fact you are counting would leed me to think you are a guy.