Friends with benefits

flonge

Hi all

I just have a quick question,what do people think of the hole friends with benefits thing?
Can it be a good or bad thing?
Its just going to college Ive always heard the topic beng mentioed in convos between friends and just wanted to see your thoughts on this?

John Mason

when it works, you cant beat but when someone starts to get feelings, thats when the problems start

AmyG

flonge wrote: »

Hi all

I just have a quick question,what do people think of the hole friends with benefits thing?
Can it be a good or bad thing?
Its just going to college Ive always heard the topic beng mentioed in convos between friends and just wanted to see your thoughts on this?

I don't know depends on everyones situation! Personal at this stage of my life i couldnt do it! i think you'd get attached an jealous if you had to! I know i would.
But few my mates have friends with benfits and suits them down to the ground, its what you want as a person!

Twee.

It works for some and can be great but it's not for me personally. I did it recently for a while but I got attached and knew nothing would ever come of it. No point in getting myself hung up on him if I know it'll never be anything more than friends with benefits.

Peared

hole friends? Thats a disgusting way to talk about the women who service you :P

LolaLuv

I think I get too attached for this to work for me, but maybe in the future if I become more jaded I'd love it.

Dee369369

I've nothing against it but i love the whole relationship part hugs and cuddles and lil presents and holding hands etc. wouldn't work for me!

LolaDub

In this day and age you need to be careful. Apart from the attachment/heart broken issue theres no commitment in friends with benefit to be faithful and not to put too fine a point on it but you don't know where the other person has been. I think it might work out for some people it definitely wouldn't be for me but you need to look after yourself

flonge

yea id kinda have d same idea as dee,
i would be afraid of getting attached,
some girls in college say like what harm can it do but i suppose it depends on the person.
There are others that say its like good for filling in time while you window shop if ya get me?

Jemmy

Dee369369 wrote: »

I've nothing against it but i love the whole relationship part hugs and cuddles and lil presents and holding hands etc. wouldn't work for me!

I always said i wouldnt mind a friend with 'benefits' but now i dont think i could do it without getting attached to the guy.

Plus im like Dee there, love all that relationship stuff! Nothing like a cuddle!

JaneyMc

Well if its strictly about the sex, I think its great, but if there is feelings on either side, it's gonna get messy.
I was in a relationship that started out like this and I dont think it was a good idea now, looking back on it.

Dinxminx

Nope Noooo!

I see don't see the point of one night stands, and there are times in your life when you shouldn't be emotionally involved with anyone other than yourself.

Less of the friends stuff though.

trio

It rarely works - I think it only works when the two people aren't all that close as friends anyway, and only bump into each other the odd time.

Between close friends somebody always ends up getting attached, thinking "why not more - the friendship is great, the sex is great - why not?" But if the other person is just "lalalala this is a handy arrangment ooooh look at that randomer, I quite fancy a bit of that..." then it will destroy the friendship.

In my experience they don't work out. I always end up feeling a bit sleazy when it's apparent they want sex with you but nothing more.

Disco Stu

Can work out ok... can go badly wrong... better if it's talked about before than jump in the sack then try to figure it out later... that can lead to the whole getting attached thing..!!

Is good though to have someone to blow off the steam with if you're not seeing someone for a while...

p.s. I loved the irony of the "hole friends" for friends with benefits... us lads are so juvenile... but that one is a quality slip of the tongue...!!

litup

Disco Stu wrote: »

... but that one is a quality slip of the tongue...!!

As was that ^.

tobiesheba

The theory is great but I don't think it ever really works out like that.

Disco Stu

litup wrote: »

As was that ^.

That was intentional though

Tragedy

A good friend has been trying the friends with benefits thing for the last 2 months.

At the start he was "I'm afraid I might like you more and want you as my girlfriend" and she was laughing and enjoying the sex, after a month she was getting extremely jealous and upset because he would sleep with other girls too, and when he moved countries she turned into a mess.

Smeh, you'll know if you have the personality for it or not - no-one else.

Madame Razz

it works.....and it doesn't work.....


It can be a great situation, and an awkward one at the same time.... it very much depends on the people involved. and certainly works if both parties are masters of emotional detachment, but even then the whole thing gets tiresome.

If you can do it, then fair play to you, but if you cant, dont, and theres no point in pretending you're ok with something if you're not.

For me personally, it worked ok to a certain extent, but you never quite get away from the fact that you are both using each other and theres no real feelings on either side. as it progresses you just realise how empty the whole thing is and it becomes a chore.

As i get older i realise its nice to have a bit of feeling as opposed to convenience!!

GirlInterrupted

Agreed with Manukahoney on the feelings thing.....its not a situation I would personally seek out, although I understand why others do.

As far as it goes with me, I'd rather go without, than go there without any feelings or attachment. Just wouldn't work. Too sensitive I suppose.:)

LivingDeadGirl

I couldn't do it, I don't want to be used by anyone, and I wouldn't use anyone else. That's pretty much what I see it as. Plus I'm far too posessive to have that kind of arrangment, I'm an all or nothing girl!

FruitLover

The fact that people are talking about people 'using' people is a sign of how weird the attitude most people in this country have about sex. If two people are in a mutually beneficial arrangement, then no-one is being 'used'.

Madame Razz

FruitLover wrote: »

The fact that people are talking about people 'using' people is a sign of how weird the attitude most people in this country have about sex. If two people are in a mutually beneficial arrangement, then no-one is being 'used'.

Mutually beneficial arrangement.....i.e. convenient..... i.e. (in crass terms) using each other.

That is exactly what the whole friends with benefits concept is based on.

Rosy it up with any language you want but thats how it is!

NewFrockTuesday

It rarely works - I think it only works when the two people aren't all that close as friends anyway, and only bump into each other the odd time

Sorry...quote button coming up as a red X on my laptop.

I think it can work as long as you dont see each other too often and keep it within the framework agreed at the start. Sometimes, all you want is no strings and great sex. Either party can call it at any time if they wish and no harm done. If however you are feeling vunerable or in any way lonely, then attachments outside the rules of engagement may form and thats where the trouble starts. We are not built to be alone, but the search for the perfect partner can be a long and lonely one and the welcome interruption of short term affection can stop you making the wrong decision based on the need for companionship. Thats a big plus.

Having said that, it can be cold, calculated and self defeating if you are not in the right frame of mind and havent though it through properly. Damaging your own self esteem by trying to inflate it in the wrong way for you is not taking care of yourself properly and leaving you open to being used. Its only natrual that affection grows after a while - we're human, thats the way we roll - and the possibility of getting hurt increases.

Not for the faint hearted.

Dudess

No way could I do it. If they're a friend in the first place, then they already mean a lot to me, not to mind bringing physical intimacy into it. There is a considerable level of emotion invested in a friendship - adding supposedly no-strings sex to that makes no sense to me. I think it's an incredibly crass, cold concept - that's just my opinion though.

Any purely sexual relationships or encounters I've had were purely sexual because they pretty much involved only sex.

FruitLover

manukahoney wrote: »

Mutually beneficial arrangement.....i.e. convenient..... i.e. (in crass terms) using each other.

Why do you say 'using'? Why not 'helping'?

Why do you use the term 'crass'? You sound like you have issues with the idea of sex purely for enjoyment.

Dudess

But some people (I'd hazard a guess it might be more of a female than a male thing - in general) attach emotion to sex, and that's their prerogative. It doesn't mean they have issues. They just might not be into the idea of sex without any emotion attached.

I find myself veering increasingly in that direction as I get older.

And then there are people who simply enjoy sex at a purely physical level - and that's cool too. Whatever you're into...

pow wow

Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. Been there, done that, attended his wedding a few years later and got the 'knowing' look from his wife :cool:

I don't know if it's always about one person feeling more than the other necessarily, sometimes you think 'we have a great time, WHY doesn't he want more?' without picking out curtains y'know. It's shaky ground, even without emotional attachments.

Madame Razz

FruitLover wrote: »

Why do you say 'using'? Why not 'helping'?

Why do you use the term 'crass'? You sound like you have issues with the idea of sex purely for enjoyment.

Ok, you are accusing the WRONG person of not enjoying sex purely for the sex sake.

Both parties are, essentially, using each other.... for sex, and for the sake of the sex( and yes, it can be enjoyable!!!)

Calling it helping??? well,i suppose you could call it helping, but then im a selfish person, so i call it using. Cos i'd never 'help' a person by sleeping with them, i'd only ever enter into the friends with benefits scenario if the sex was worthwhile.

Harsh, but true;)

AFC_1903

Well i've been there and done that before as so many of us have. It's cool, handy at the time, cures frustration and is enjoyable (as sex always should be!). Everyones a winner - so long as feelings stay out of it. However, I can see how feelings would cause a lot of trouble, and if there's a risk of that it would be best by far for both parties to forget about it.

panda100

AFC_1903 wrote: »

Everyones a winner - so long as feelings stay out of it.

Ah yes thats the tricky part!
Im having a fling with a friend at the moment,well we were never really friends as such but we've known each other for the last few years. However,Im finding it very difficult to do something intimate like sleep with someone and not get some sort of emotional attachment to them. But im one of those people who Isnt into one night stands, I find It very difficult to seperate sex and feelings,for me I wouldnt be able to have sex with someone I have no feelings for.
Also If there a friend to begin with you obviously have some sort of feelings for them and these feelings will only grow If your having great sex with them.All in all, If your sexually atrracted to a friend then you might as well go out with them?

Dragan

panda100 wrote: »

All in all, If your sexually atrracted to a friend then you might as well go out with them?

I don't want to look at a partner and see them as a friend i am sexually excited by. I want to look at a partner and see someone who excites me, or who has the potential to excite me, on every level.

Friends just don't rock my boat the way the people i have choosen to go out with do. I have plenty of hot female friends that i would be sexually attracted to....if that was my only basis i would have a very large pool of possible girlfriends. This is reason enough to tell me it's not a good rule to follow.

t-ha

Dragan wrote: »

if that was my only basis i would have a very large pool filled with chicks I'm attracted to. This is reason enough to tell me it's not a good rule to follow.

Dunno - sounds alright to me? :pac:

IME, guys can do it, girls can't, so unless it's 2 gay lads it won't work out. And even then it won't work out if either of them are those girly gay types. ->