Need to Let It All Out - No.1

Dory-Tina

Hi,

I'm new here, I'm 18 years old and I have been through a lot of crap over the last few years. I need to get It all off my chest. I will be posting a series of entries here about my experiences and your feedback and advice would be greatly appreciated and would make me feel a whole lot better. Ive been writing these on another site, but am getting no feedback there, so the first three entries will be copied and pasted from the other site, and the rest will be entered here from now on.
My first entry is as follows:

well i decided to bring people back in time with my
horrible past .it all began when
i was in third year. before i start i better tell you about
the people in question . you see when i was born my parents
headed back to work and my grand-parents raised
me ...lyterally . i was always with them.every second i got
i was with them.we went everywhere together . they brought
me to AMERICA after my communion it was ****ing amazing !!!
i am hopeful to go back . i think that is my wish at the
moment to go back . anyway , getting back to the
story ....so i was studying really hard for my junior cert
at the time when 1 week before i was suppose to start my
grandparents seperated . it came as a shock to me . me
being there shadow a such ! i never knew they were un happy
for a long time. but me being only 15 /16 at the time i
felt like it was my fault.my grand dad was playing golf a
lot and my nanny felt lonely when he used to leave her
alone every weekend and so fights broke out and i think
that is the major cause of their seperation. i went into a
recluse stage .... everybody was asking me was i ok ??? i
lied. and said yes. but deep down my whole world was
falling to pieces.i tried to put it to the back of my mind
but i just couldnt . eventually it got the better of me ...
i started to blame myself. not talk to anybody.not eat .
nothing.i started to not sleep too . twisting and turning
at night , getting up and thinking of killing myself and
how much i needed the both of them .. and why me ? why was
this happening to me ?? i loved them so much . but deep
down it felt like both of them had died . i was omitted to
a counciller in school i poured my heart out to her .how
much i wanted to die. how much this was taking out of me. i
did the junior cert and half way through that i just
snapped i cried and cried. i wanted everything to be
perfect . but i knew the truth . i knew it never would be
perfect again . time past and both of them got distant from
me . i think that was my fault . i just couldnt bring
myself to be in ones company without the other one there.
not speaking to them or not seeing them as much as i had
done wrecked me . i lost weight . i became very sick . my
nan sat me down and said i will take him back . if it
make's you happy again . i felt cold and numb . how could
she put me into that positon ??? me her baby . her eldest
grand daughter ? i said no . if your not happy dont
bother. time past ... every family function we had durning
that yeaar only one of them showed as the other one wouldnt
come if the other one was there . they satred playing me
then . asking me how the other one was and what we did when
i met up with one of them .that killed me again and i fell
back to square one again.my dad had to step in and tell
them to cop them selfs on and how dare they do that to me .
it was hard enough for me already . they stopped then . but
i still know if i see one the other one always has a sly
comment to say about the other one . now ... almost 3 and
half years on ... nothing has changed. i feel **** still.i
hardly see my grandad any more he is doing what he loves
best . golf. i see my nan nearly every day but its hard as
i dont feel happy and half the time i dont knw what to say
to them . its really hard . i just want to cry all the time
over this. eitheir that or die . i dont feel as bad as i
did but sometimes i get bad. my bf has been helping me
over come this depressed state and i thank him for that .
but i think i had to go back on when i felt **** first .
and re-track my steps.

Thanks for reading. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.

Tina

Dory-Tina

Hi, here is my second post, I'll try to do this as often as I can.

.... well, after my whole world
crashing down ( see entry number 1)i took matters
into my own hands. i now know at this time it was stupid
and foolish .i started to hate myself for my grandparents
seperation and i started to hate my apperance also.at the
time i was going out with a lad we sahll call mark .mark at
first was a nice guy he treated me like a princess at
first . but , when i became down , depressed i became more
dependant on him . i didnt know who else to turn to at the
time..... and after his parents seperating also at a young
age i thought he could help me . be as we see later on in
my enteries he doesnt.i began to tell him i was feeling
depressed, upset and sucidal, and that i wanted to loose
weight not eat at all and show my grandparents how hard i
was taking this as in my opinon, i honestly think tehy dont
think i was down, you see i hide my emotions.i know i
shouldnt and at present with my current bf i am trying to
over come shutting people out . so anyway , i started to
eats lots of **** food. food that a growing teenager
shouldnt have ate for ex-low fat products, cutting out
carbohydrates until eventually , i got a gastric stomach
and a hernia all at once.i weighed in just over 7 stone and
for my height of 5ft 5' that was under wight for my height
and my periods stopped also, i started to get dizzy spells
and was sick for a good month.trying to recover from the
mess i put myself into.my bf of the time mark didnt even
visit me in hospital but to be honest i am glad he did not
as to be honest i was very sick.i started to recover well
until one day i recieved very bad cramps in my stomach but
no period to follow.i later found out when i went to the
doctor that i had cysts on my overies . i was devasated
when the doctor told me that it could reduce the changes of
me having children.you see, i love children.children
are my life,my soul, my everything.i would die for
children . i am so broody!!i told mark and he helped me
through 1/4 of how i was feeling but the 3/4 remaining i
felt ****ed up, broken and sucidal. i started to write
suicide notes to my parents and my bf at the time mark at
the time.but something inside me would not let me go ahead
with it .to be hoenst to this day i still dont know what
made me pull out of self harm or worst suvide.but whatever
it was it must hve been strong, and i wonder was it a
good/bad thing???!!! with the way that i was feeling at the
time???!!!


Thanks for reading, again your thoughts and feedback are appreciated.

Marksie

I have merged the threads OP

Give the posters here siome time to digest what you ahve written and ask questions before you continue... see what they say (they are agood lot really..well almost)

So see what they start saying first OK?

Dory-Tina

Hi again, here is my third entry.

so if you have read the other entry you will know that i found out that i had found out some horrible, heart breaking news that bascially said " i may not have children".at first , i was in shock and thought yeah ok i am young maybe it would all work out when i wanted children .. but when i thought about it a few days after i found out i started to get down, upset , and angry.i needed help. i needed to talk to somebody . the only thing i ever wanted was to be able to know that i can get pregnant .have children that i always wanted. but having this slight doubt in my head made me hate myself.one day it all got too much for me i was in school and i was in irish class when suddenly i cracked. i had to talk to somebody and fast . i started to confind in a counciler in school. i was silent going to see her first , but after a few open ending questions i began to open up to her until i eventually needed to see her every wed after school for 2 hrs sometimes three.it helped me for awhile but the hurt was always there. i felt broken as a women . why? why me? why me, the woman who would die for children, cant have any?all these questions started circulating around my head like a mini twister. i told my bf mark at the time i wanted children and my problem but he didnt give me much comfort. i knew then i was alone. but deep down i was breaking up inside..loosing all my hope of children .how could i loose interest in the one thing that i wanted in the future?? was i giving up too quick ???.. i was sure that my future career would be to do with children but deep down i didnt think i could go ahead with it. the pain in the head , my heart and my stomach at this part of my life was horrible. i think looking back on it now, i dont think i would have grasped the news at all if my counseller in school didnt sit down with me on a wed after noon. so thank you <name deleted>! Thanks again Tina

Marksie

Whoa slow down!
I ahve merged again.
We need time to read these

dade

OP a friend of mine was once told she couldn't have kids. she now has 4 wonderful children, i guess someone just needed strong swimmers.

but even if you can't biologically have your own kinds there are other options for you, you could adopt or foster kids.

Dory-Tina

thanks dade its hard to hear it thats all xxx

Plek Trum

Polycystic ovaries do not render you infertile. It may and I stress MAY make it harder to conceive but it is by no means impossible. I think you need to be reminded of this. YOur own Dr advised you that it "could reduce your chances of having children".

This is not the same, by any stretch of the imagination, as saying never.

You dont speak much, if any, of your parents. Where are they in helping you in all this?

Trinity

What is it you want to know?

The doctor said it could reduce the chance of you having children and while you have to be realistic you also have to have hope. That does not mean you cant have any. It may take you longer to concieve but that doesnt mean you dont.

You are going to have to adopt a more positive attitude. Everything i have read including your opening paragraph "my horrible past" smacks of negativity.

While you have been through a lot its actually a lot less horrid than i thought it was going to be. You had loving grandparents who looked after you and took you to america not many kids can say that! Try to look at the positives. You are a young woman now and you have to start living your own life and making your own plans.

I am not saying your grand-parents splitting wont affect you but you are 18 now you have to realise that people seperate everyday. I wont throw statistics at you but a lot of marriages breakdown. Its better than couples staying together and being miserable for the rest of their lives.

I have had cysts on my ovaries. I have 2 lovely boys one is only 9 months old!!

When i am feeling sorry for myself i always try to think that there are people a lot worse off out there than me. Children starving being abused neglected people dying. And then i think about the things in life i am grateful for.
When your time comes it will happen.

(my laptop has no comma apologies for the punctuation or lack of!)

beth-lou

Hi Tina,

I can identify with a lot of what you're going through now. I'm now 34 yrs old and very happy so don't fret. When I was 15 I had to tell my mother that my father was having an affair. At 17 they seperated. At 20 my youngest brother died in a tragic accident. After which my Mam hit the bottle. At 21, my other brother entered rehab for drugs, my Dad announced he was having another kid with his mistress and my Mam almost lost her mind over it. I am only telling you this so you know that you are not alone. Life is hard and it has it struggles but for the most part how you approach things will determine how they affect you.

From your posts I can see that you are yearning for attention. Your Grandad and Granny are so caught up in their own situation and grief over the loss of their relationship that you feel lost in the equation. I'm sure you feel a little abandoned, not helped by the fact that your parents left you in the care of your grandparents. You not eating and wanting to prove to them how much this is affecting you is a cry for attention too. You have to accept that just because they can't be together doesn't mean they don't love you. They are hurting too. If they have seperated it is probably for the best. It is not good for two people to stay together when they are making each other so miserable. You have to accept this and try to stay connected to them as indiviuals.

It is not fair for them to put you in the middle and I know you feel torn. It is one of the most destructive things about seperation for children or grandchildren. Tell them that in future if they have something to say to one another pick up the phone. You love them both and are not getting involved. It is selfish of them but they probably didn't realise the effect it was having on you.

I have to go now as I'm heading home but I will post back later.
Chin up and it does get better. Believe me it does and you will be stronger and wiser for it.
x

Dory-Tina

i thank u for your light hearted reply back it was nice to get some feedback. but it feels hard and believe me i have a bit more of my past to throw out there. xxx

Trinity

Dory-Tina wrote: »

i thank u for your light hearted reply back it was nice to get some feedback. but it feels hard and believe me i have a bit more of my past to throw out there. xxx

Well keep writing if it makes you feel better. The worst thing you can do is keep looking at the negatives you will spiral into a depression.

Whats good about your life what do you like about yourself. Get your friends or boyfriend to tell you each just one thing they like about you and remember it. Find happy childhood memories and remember them.

I thought for a long time i couldnt have kids. My sister had a baby when she was very young and i remember when i went to see this beautiful little thing in th hospital i couldnt help but feel sadness as well as joy. I remember family members looking at me in sympathy and patting me on the shoulder saying your time will come. I didnt believe them.

A year and a half later i gave birth to my first son.

Hrududu

To be honest you sound like a drama queen. Count how many times you type "Why me?"

Dory-Tina

i just hate bad feedback and people call me a drama queen seriously that does not help! i came here for support not insults.

Dory-Tina

i am far from a drama queen alot ****ing happened to me at that stage of my life . so i think you calling me a drama queen is un called for .

Wibbs

Hrududu Ease up on the drama queen stuff. While constructive criticism is OK and sometimes needed, words like drama queen/psycho etc are to be left out.

Dragan

Dory-Tina wrote: »

i am far from a drama queen alot ****ing happened to me at that stage of my life . so i think you calling me a drama queen is un called for .

You need to settle down a little bit. Lots of people have been through lots of stuff. Chances are everyone who reads this has been through the grinder as well. You are going to get responses from people who might have been through a lot more than you wondering why you are carry it all with you.

Stay calm, read the posts and ignore the ones that you don't like.

It's the easiest solution.

ladybirdirl

First off Dory-Tina, I'm sorry for what's happened in your life.

I can identify with the family unit you knew exploding all of a sudden... my own parents formally seperated very late in life.

But I have to say a few things

1. Only you can make you happy, you can't rely on your grandparents,parents or boyfriend for that. As soon as you decide that you deserve to have all life has to offer you, then you will have taken the first step to moving on

2. You have to let go of the hurt about your grandparents. As kids we think our parents & elders are always right.. in fact they are fallible humans just like all the rest of us ..make lots of mistakes

3. You've been told you may have a reduced chance of conceiving..that's not definite. If this is what you really want, fight...try herbal remedies, go for more investigations, look at all you options

4. Lighten up on yourself... all of us but particularly girls are very quick to take blame on (is it an irish thing)...yes you have had it rough but the way to change your future is to create better memories..starting today!


I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey. Stick with the counselling, it will pay off

Ladybird

JuliusCaesar

Hi Dory
how old are you now?
I think if you and the boyfriend are about 18, that you are expecting an awful lot from him in terms of support.
I agree with Ladybird that you have to realise that your grandparents seperation is to do with them, not you. If your granddad wants to spend his time on the golf course that's up to him. It may hurt you, but does he know that? But his job in life is not to spend all the time with you, but fulfilling himself.
If they snipe about each other to you, ask them to stop. After all you love both of them.
Try not to get into a cycle of depressed thinking. The more negative you get, the worse everything seems and the worse everything seems, the more depressed you get.
Try talking to your parents, your counsellor is helpful and there's also your GP.
Best of luck moving forward, rather than just looking backward.

Edit- just looked back on your first post and you did say you are 18. Sorry!

MagicMarker

This all sounds very emo....

I have to be honest, i found it quite hard to finish all of that, i gave up halfway through the first 'entry' because you just sounded like a whiney teenager crying into a pillow. But i forced myself to continue.

Yes, you had problems, bad luck, whatever.... But you need to be strong. You're just wallowing in your own self pity, writing suicide notes!? wtf!

It's plainly obviously that you're just craving attention and are seeking it via any means necessary. You need to continue seeking professional help and most of all you need to talk to your family.

spinandscribble

Dory-Tina wrote: »

i am far from a drama queen a lot ****ing happened to me at that stage of my life . so i think you calling me a drama queen is un called for .

I usually have a lot of pity for people who are upset but you are seriously overreacting and the way you write so filled to the brim with self pity is very off putting.
Your doctor said you have a LOWER likelihood of getting preggy. not that you can't or that its very unlikely. theres IVF remember but as you've heard from other posters you'll more then likely have no big problem.

You seem the sort to panic/worry so you need to grab a hold of yourself. Think of how much worse you could have it. I've known plenty of people first hand who have gone through a lot worse then you and keep some perspective on life, people who were raped, had their fathers/mothers kill themselves, lose their sight ect.
while a parental unit fighting and spliting up (in this case your grandparents) is horrible (and trust me i've been through that, i'll save you the gory details), it doesn't define your life or mean you won't see them again.

life isn't a fairytale. to be blunt, **** happens. i saw a crying, naked, homeless kid on the side street in cambodia a few weeks ago. now thats misery. i saw plenty of other homeless kids and talked to them but that one kid stick out. now thats what keeps me awake at night instead of what silly things my parents might say about eachother or do to eachother. i know when you're depressed its hard to notice anything outside of yourself but you need a wake up call. life could be so much worse. you have grandparents who love you, a caring boyfriend and you're at a age where you get to follow whatever dreams you might have. Just chill out.

edit: i understand you just want a chance to rant but hopefully you'll see by our reactions that you really have nothing to worry about. you'll get stronger in the next few years if you make a point of keeping a perspective and realising you are the only one that can make you happy.

ergonomics

OP you need to take a deep breath and stop being so full of self pity. Taking a more positive attitude will make things a lot easier.

Many people have parents/guardians who seperate or divorce and they manage find. I can't understand why you are getting so upset over it. You seem to be blaming th whole thing on yourself and only caring about how you feel. How do you think your grandparents feel? They've had to make an extremely difficult decision (and you mention this was 3 years ago) and instead of getting support you just wallowed in self pity. Anyway, it happened 3 years ago. It's time to start moving on. Be happy your grandparents are happy themselves and move on.

As for the cysts on your ovaries. Again, many many many people suffer from this. The doctor simply said he would make it harder to have kids, not impossible.

At the end of the day I get the impression you are seeing the absolute worst of every situation and think it's so much worse for you than anyone else. Well it's not. Many people have gone through much worse than you. If you are really finding things as difficult as you are then get yourself to a doctor and get yourself sorted out instead of wallowing in self pity.

fasterkitten

An awful lot hasn't happened to you. The way you have dealt with these problems (which to some may appear relatively minor) is the problem. This may or may not be something you can work on yourself but you need to stop over-dramatising things.

b3t4

It appears some people on this thread have forgotten what it's like to be a teenager and that people react differently to things.

Tina, please remember that what you are feeling will pass. You're a ball of emotions right now and can't see the wood for the trees. With time the wounds will heal and your life will get better. It's always scary to be told there is a posibility that you might not be able to have children if that is what you want in life. The doctor only said might so take some positive out of this.

Some things I suggest you do to help:
1. Stop leaning so much on your boyfriend
2. Keep going to counselling.
3. Start writing everything down.
4. For every negative thing you think of counter it with something positive. (hard to do at the start but really effective)

Life has a great way of healing the majority of wounds.

A.

sbEdge

I agree with the last post, different people react differently to different things. This girl came here to let things off her chest, for a bit of support, but what did she get? From most people she got told to cop herself on and grow up, how does that help? I'm sure she feels even worse now, and she said she had a lot more to tell, which could be even worse than what she wrote already. A bit of tact and compassion when replying to issues like this wouldn't go amiss.


Tina, I'm sorry for everything that you've been through, and it will all get better, you seem to be doing well now and your boyfriend encouraging you to write things down shows he is being quite mature about this and really cares for you.

Good Luck to you both.

eveie

op
i would actually agree that you are a drama queen. if you think youve had it bad there are people who've had it a lot worse.
i think you were being selfish when you said
"my grandparents broke up.....why me" why you???? its not about you, its about them, ok i understand it must be difficult to go through that, but arent you lucky you know your grandparents, that they love you?
also you focus on all the negitive stuff, now not being patronising but i think that may have something to do with your age and you might grow out of it.
have you thought of going back to councelling? doesnt sound like a bad idea, might give you some prespective on things.
you know there isnt one person on this earth that hasnt gone through hardship, thats just life, but you seem angry, you need to except what happened happened and you can do nothing about it. these things that have happened in your life have inprinted on you, and you should gain experience from them. if you think some day youl wake up with no worries or fears then you are mistaken. take life as it comes, relax, what will happen will happen,dont panick about the future, live today and when you wake up tomorrow live tomorrow.
im saying all of this because ive not had the nicest of up bringings, close friends have died, family issues, bullying, sickness etc but you know what its made me a stronger person and its made me appreicate life, i dont see things as black and white.
its up to you, you have the choice to decide if you want to be happy enough. only you can make you truely happy, no one else will.

eveie

bt34
excellent suggestion
"For every negative thing you think of counter it with something positive."

Dragan

Hmmmm, i hate to be the one to point this out ( or maybe someone else already has ) but a huge amount of your hurt comes from the fact that you were amazing self centered around the break up of your grandparents.

You don't really talk about how THEY felt about it.....how long were they married for and they had to make the decision to call it a day and it's apparent effect on you wouldn't have made it easier for them.

You strike me as young and you will pull through this issue but you really need to grow up a bit and accept responsibility for your own happiness.

It seems you almost had an emotional upset granny on the verge of getting back with a man she didn't love just to get you back on track.

Life is hard. It's over said but it is. Bad **** will happen. People will get sick and die. Friends will fall out of contact and fight, the whole world will change around you over the course of your life.

You need to develop some inner strength because as much as i hate to say it you have a lot more to come and you need to be able to deal with it from a point of view that it is not happening to you because you are you and some kind of cosmic victim with a destiny for a tortured life.

It's just life.

So....start dealing with this in a proper manner. Maybe talking to your grandparents about how they feel rather than how YOU feel might give you more insight into an obviously tough decision they had to make.

Dory-Tina

thank u so much.most of this posts are hard to rasp. but yours is nice .xxx

Dory-Tina

to the nice .. post out there who had some reat advice thank u. i had alot more crap of my past to put up . but with the harsh comments of emo, physo, drama queen i think that is still un called for. you seem to think i lean on my bf too much . my bf wants me to open up find the core of my hurt and sadness. yes it prob was hard for my grand parents, i never said it wasnt . keep comments coming.... tell me should i continue lettin my past out here or somewhere else????

eveie

op
seriously its as if you dont want to deal with things. you say most of the posts are hard to rasp, their hard to rasp because a few people are thinking to themselves that you may need to grow up a little.
i have the feeling you were spoilt and maybe you want everything your own way, some of the advice given in the above posts are worth a look.
the more i read your thread the more i think you need to seek prefessional help.

Dory-Tina

i was not spoilt. if u know me you would think oh ok she has had a harsh time.thats only a few things that has happened to me. ....

eveie

but op EVERYONE has bad things happen to them some worse then others, jesus i could tell you some stories, ive seen some horrific tragdedy throughout the yrs, but i dont let it bog me down.
has anything nice ever happened to you? why focus on the bad things? your young, youve everything ahead of you, enjoy life, its ups and downs as there will be many. when your young things are less complicated, just enjoy it.
yes you went through a rough time im not saying you didnt but can you tell me one person that hasnt, thats why im suggesting that your spoilt, maybe youve been wrapped up in cotten wool by your grandparents. theres a big world out there, good and bad things happen every day its up to you how you want to deal with it, your happyiness is in your own hands.

Dory-Tina

ok i take ur advice on board.but like i said there is much more to come out ... bad realtionships, being stalked and harassed... forced into things i hated! so i agree my happiness is in my hands ... but at the minute i have to let everythying out first .

eveie

ok thats fair enough.
i just believe that if you think negativitly then you will bring negitive things into your life, this is due to the sub conscious.
if your angry vent your anger but dont let the bad things that have happened to dictate how you live or how you think, try somohow to get something positive from the bad things.
e.g my ex was controlling, possisive, crazy basically and i was so angry after we spilt up that i even let myself go out with someone like him but you know what i know il never ever end up in the position again.

beth-lou

Ok Dory Tina your problems are as follows:

1: Your parents left you the care of someone else....
That has made you insecure

2. Your grandparents split up.
That has upset you and naturally so. The steady unit that you relied on has broken down.

3. You have cysts on your ovaries.
You're worried that you can't have kids.

You are spinning out of control here. Lets get some perspective.

1. Talk to your parents about them leaving you, but you have to accept that it happened and move on.

2. Your grandparents deserve a life too and if being seperated is better for them, then you must accept that. The world will not end because they live apart. They will both be better off. You are now almost a young adult and soon you will head off into your own life and make your own mistakes and triumphs. Understand they are heartbroken too. This is hard on them too, not just you. You have to stop living through them. Accept it is over and look forward. Your Gran will probably have a less stressful life. This is good for her. Be happy for her. The same goes for your Grandad. If your Grandad wants to play golf he is entitled to. After all he raised his kids and then raised his grandkid. I think he has earned the right to play golf when and where he wants. This is not a personal insult to you by him. He's merely playing golf.

Tell them you don't want to hear anything bad about the other. Stand up for yourself. It will feel good. If they continue, just leave the room.

Stop starving yourself. You will only get negative attention. You are adding to their stress because all you are doing is making them worry about you. That is not a good thing. Do something to make them proud instead, or do something to make yourself proud.

Go and do some research on cysts. Check out the odds on having children. No one has said you can't have children. Relax. It's probably just a blip.

You have to control these situations and stop letting them control you.

You are not terminally ill.
Your parents are not terminally ill.
Your grandparents are not terminally ill.

You are confused and hurt and feel like your worl is crashing in around you. I understand. But it isn't. Things are just changing that's all. Things will always change. It's ok to feel sad about that. But stop taking everything so personally.

I've had other stuff happen too. I just gave a very brief outline to let you know your not alone and life goes on regardless. But everyone has something. Some more than others. It doesn't matter if other people have had worse, forget all those comments, it won't help your situation. All you need to do is stand up and say I'm not letting this control my life. I'm much more than this. I have a loving boyfriend(who by the way soundslike a gem), I have friends, I'm young, I've my whole life ahead of me, what happens to my family is sad butit's not who I am. Basically, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, you need to get a grip on your emotions, your life and who you are and don't let this situation control you.

Best of luck. And do try to listen to people. They are trying to help you. Don't dismiss advice because it doesn't allow you to wallow. Get up and make a life for yourself.

Dory-Tina

ok thanks.try loosing the one thing u ever wanted in life ??? all over a scum bag who ruled my life !!

Hrududu

If you post on a forum you have to be prepared for different points of view. I get the impression that you expected everyone to pour in with "Poor you" comments. But you have to accept that some people will view your situation differently. Below are bits of some of your posts, isolated to show you how you are coming across.

i was studying really hard for my junior cert
at the time when 1 week before i was suppose to start my
grandparents seperated . it came as a shock to me . me
being there shadow a such ! i never knew they were un happy
for a long time. but me being only 15 /16 at the time i
felt like it was my fault.

It was not your fault.

i started to blame myself. not talk to anybody.not eat .
nothing.i started to not sleep too . twisting and turning
at night , getting up and thinking of killing myself and
how much i needed the both of them .. and why me ? why was
this happening to me ??

It was not your fault. It was also nothing to do with you. They had obviously been together for many years and yet all you speak about is how you needed them and why this was happening to you. But it wasnt happening to you. It was happening to them.

my
nan sat me down and said i will take him back . if it
make's you happy again . i felt cold and numb . how could
she put me into that positon ??? me her baby . her eldest
grand daughter ? i said no . if your not happy dont
bother.

Now this is where I started to lose sympathy for you. Your nan obviously loves you, she sat you down and told you if it made you happier she would go back to a man she no longer loved. Instead of this being a wake up call, for you to sit back and realise how much she was going through instead you made it about you, again. "How could she do this to me?" In the end you told her not to bother. Nice.

mark at
first was a nice guy he treated me like a princess at
first . but , when i became down , depressed i became more
dependant on him . i didnt know who else to turn to at the
time..... and after his parents seperating also at a young
age i thought he could help me .

Now you don't seem to give Mark a lot of credit. You say he treated you like a princess but with the amount of negativity you project anybody would get down. You even go on to say his parents separated. Now these are his parents, the people he lived with. You pass it off like it wasnt anything near as important as your grandparents separating. In fact you only really mention it in connection with him being able to help you. You don't seem to take his feelings into account.

i wanted to loose
weight not eat at all and show my grandparents how hard i
was taking this

Didnt they have enough on their plates with their marraige falling apart? No you had better make them worry some more. Don't they realise this is actually all about you? The fools, you had better stop eating, that'll show them.

i started to write
suicide notes to my parents and my bf at the time mark at
the time.

Did you actually show them the notes?

i felt broken as a women . why? why me? why me, the woman who would die for children, cant have any?

i told my bf mark at the time i wanted children and my problem but he didnt give me much comfort.

To be honest the guy was what 16? 17? himself he had already gone through the divorce saga and now he had to deal with this.

You have had some trying times. I'm not doubting that. But the way you have dealt with it has made it a lot tougher than it ever needed to be. I know you don't appreciate comments that disagree with you but you really need to take a cold clear look at yourself. If you continue to live your life the way you have then you will be a wreck by thirty.

Dragan

Dory-Tina wrote: »

ok i take ur advice on board.but like i said there is much more to come out ... bad realtionships, being stalked and harassed... forced into things i hated! so i agree my happiness is in my hands ... but at the minute i have to let everythying out first .

I still don't think you are grasping the fact that this type of situation is pretty common. People have bad stuff happen to them all the time, the only way to get through it is to equip yourself with the skills to correctly deal with the situations.

Sitting around writing suicide notes is not the way to do that.

You need to proper analysis the situations that currently cause you hurt and figure out how and why you got into them, the effect they had on you and what you can do to overcome that.

Listing them all verbatim on a website will not help....it will be overload trying to deal with everything. Pick the biggest issue on your plate right now, the most prominant one, and give that priority.

If you are currently in bad situations in your life then get out of them. Cut and close off unhealthy relationships, spend your time with people who have shown they have your best interests at heart and talk to them...and not just about you, but about their lives as well.

Trinity

Maybe you could let it out in one big long post.

The thing about a place like boards is there are a lot of different people with different backgrounds, experiences, age groups and obviously opinions. Thats what makes it so great. You may not like everyones opinions and they wont all tally.

But some threads get so long people dont have time to read it all or give up half way through.

You seem to be making a journal of some sort and i just dont think you will get as many replies as you would like if you are only adding bits in here and there. Boards is such a big place with lots of things to read, people may not keep up with the updates. Its not like a one on one session where you have everyones undivided attention.

Just a thought anyway seeing as you are new here!!

eveie

hrududu
i couldnt have put it better myself

beth-lou

Dory-Tina wrote: »

ok thanks.try loosing the one thing u ever wanted in life ??? all over a scum bag who ruled my life !!

Please elaborate. I can't comment on riddles. Whatever it is though, you have to let it go.
Are you going to live in the past, the present or the future? You need to decide.

Dory-Tina

thanks a mill. i have all these written on a online diary at the mo . i was not getting much feedback so i said i would try here.... i am trying to over come this its ahrd. but i think i am making progress.

eveie

Dory-Tina wrote: »

ok thanks.try loosing the one thing u ever wanted in life ??? all over a scum bag who ruled my life !!

its because of expressions like this that people are thionking that your a dram queen, your looking for sympathy, no amount of sympathy is going to make you feel better.
i also sense that your very immature, i know your only 18 but i couldnt imagine my 15 yr old cousin coming out with something like that.
i was in boarding school for 4 yrs, your beginging to remind me of a girl that was in the school with me. absolutly eveything she said was negitive, i would try so hard to talk to her and help her, she would self harm then come crying to me for help, everything was exzagerated, in the end i basically had a nervous breakdown because being around her and listening to her made me take on her attitude and negitivity.
if i were to ask you to list out all the good things that have happened you i bet you'd be embarrassed at the lenght of your list, because you'd realise that yeah a few bad things have happened, but overall im not that bad off

beth-lou

Come on. She's 18, she's had a rocky family life and maybe hasn't been given the tools to deal with this stuff. That's why she's here asking a bunch of strangers instead of her family. Give her a chance.

Dory-Tina

eveie. if you think i am drama queen or a immature girl fair enough . but all i did was come here to get peoples advice with what i was doing ? was i doing the right thing by writing it down ? its people like you who let other people down when they are looking for advice. what i meant when i said i lost the one thing i ever wanted. was a child. so dont you dare start . so as you can see i have been through a lot . and that was not by choice believe me . you call me whatever you want .

beth-lou

Dory-Tina wrote: »

thanks a mill. i have all these written on a online diary at the mo . i was not getting much feedback so i said i would try here.... i am trying to over come this its ahrd. but i think i am making progress.

Good, even that comment in itself is progress. I bet it feels good to even say I think I am making progress.

Dory-Tina

thanks beth .. everybody is so forward. yes maybe i need that . but do i need that in such a hrash way ???

beth-lou

Dory-Tina wrote: »

thanks beth .. everybody is so forward. yes maybe i need that . but do i need that in such a hrash way ???

Well if you come into a public forum be prepared for all opinions. Try not to take them personally. For the most part people are trying to help and are losing patience because you're coming back with negatives for their positives.
Just try to understand even criticsm can be helpful.

beth-lou

Dory-Tina wrote: »

eveie. if you think i am drama queen or a immature girl fair enough . but all i did was come here to get peoples advice with what i was doing ? was i doing the right thing by writing it down ? its people like you who let other people down when they are looking for advice. what i meant when i said i lost the one thing i ever wanted. was a child. so dont you dare start . so as you can see i have been through a lot . and that was not by choice believe me . you call me whatever you want .

That's very sad. I'm sure you feel angry about that too. Maybe see a counsellor. Again, though you are going to have to let this go. You have many years ahead and this can not rule your life.

eveie

im sorry to hear you lost a child, i can only imagine what that feels like. you said you lost it because of some scum bag?can i ask how long ago this happened? could you give any more details.
i have been there for people for all of my life but do you know what, ive never been there for myself, and when i needed help very few people were there to help me so ive come to learn that its only me that can save me.
i have posted a number of comments on this thread some with good advice, its up to you if you want to take it on board or not.
i agree that you need to vent your anger, but please God some day you'l have another child. ive had number of close friends that have died very young, i cannot for one minute even try to say that that compares to loosing a child but maybe yoy lost your child for a reason, may not seem like it now, but there are reasons for everything, i didnt believe it when my friends died but i can see those reasons now