Secret facebook

LegacyUser · 28-07-2008 2:17pm #1

hi all,

long term poster, going unreg!! I'm looking for some help on this one!!

My boyfriend is the most wonderful guy i've ever met! He teats me like a princess and I know he loves me a lot and would never cheat on me, well so i thought until yesterday.

he has an ex (lets call her Mary) who was his first love. When they were together, He was going through a tough time and had a lot of personal issues that she helped him with. They were together 2 years and he admits she helped him through some tough times. They broke up, lost contact and then a few years later he met me and we started going out. we got serious very quickly and we have a fantastic relationship but we have had a few hiccups along the way!!

About 4 months after we started going out, Mary found him on bebo and they swapped numbers. I had no problem with this at the time, he told me how she helped him and how he wanted to be friends with her. I'm still in contact with a few of my old boyfriends so I really had no problem with it. Then she started texting him a lot, especially late at night. She would always text him first and he would reply, usually telling her he'd text her the next day but sometimes she would keep texting him until the early hours!! she always seemed interested in me and even suggested us all meeting up for a drink!! But her constant texting gradually started getting on my nerves more and more. I asked him on a few occasions if he thought she had feelings for him and he always said no! fast forward a couple of months of her constantly texting him at night and at this stage Im getting more and more irritated by it. So one night I lost it when she text him at 2 in the morning. I said to him that it has to stop and she obviously still has feelings for him. he continued to tell me that she doesn't and that he was just trying to be a good mate to her. I told him this was bulls**t and he eventually admitted that she had text him a couple of weeks before and asked him to meet up with her for sex!! well i lost it!! Couldn't believe he lied to me and make me feel like jealous girlfriend. whats more, it was a weekend i had gone home to visit my parents so my mind went into overdrive!! He told me he lied so i wouldn't be jealous about it (I'm a bit paranoid anyway) and that she was drunk when she text it. He showed me all the messages (he told her where to go) but i still couldn't believe he kept it from me, and had no problem lying to my face. We nearly broke up over it but he promised never to contact her again and kept true to his word and when he didn't reply to her texts she sent him a nasty message and we never heard from her again. or so i thought.

Now 18 months later me and the boyfriend are still together, and are really happy. until yesterday, we were on the internet and i was typing a website on the address bar and on the drop down I saw a facebook address followed by her name. I acted like i didn't know who she was and asked him who is mary. He told me that thats his ex and i then asked him why he was looking at her page. He said he wasn't. So clicked on it and discovered he has a secret facebook account and she is his only friend!!! I lost it at him and kicked him out of the room. I checked his mail and there are no messages in the inbox or sent items!! i then checked his texts (i'm not proud of that!!) which showed up nothing! but i couldn't believe he kept facebook from me, I didnt even know he was on facebook!! and his excuse, He couldn't remember accepting her as a friend! However, he looked through all her photos a month before because its all in the history. I told him i needed my space and left. When I went back last night, he told me he still couldn't remember accepting her as a friend and hasn't even talked to her on it. i dont know what to think now!

The first time he kept it from me i told him that if he ever kept anything like that from me again then that would be it for us! i find it hard enough to trust people as it is and i am a paranoid person. he is usually really honest with me and told him when one of my old boyfriends have tried to get back with me. He says he'd like to be friends with her someday as she was a big part of his life and really helped him when he needed it. But i cant handle him being in contact with her, She wants him and she is so much hotter than me, she is stunning!!! Today is our 2 year anniversary and im totally numb about what to do. I told him it was over last night but he swore to me that he would make it up to me so i gave him another chance but now i dont know if i'm just being a stupid about it. I dont know if i can trust him, If he has lied about this, what else has he lied about??!! He still maintains he cant remember being on her page!!!

Sorry for the long rant but i'm so upset about it right now and I dont know if i'm being really thick about the whole thing!!!

i really need some honest opinions!!!

eveie · 28-07-2008 3:04pm

its a pretty tough situation that your in.
on the one hand i can see why he'd still like to be in contact with her as she was of good supposrt to him when he needed it but its obvious that shes into him.
is it possible that he just likes the attention?
i was in a similiar situation myself, my ex's ex kept calling and txtin him well into a yr of our relationship, i didnt mind at the start (theres reasons for that) but it really started to get to me, plus he kept it from me.
it a very insensitive thing for anyone to do. an ex is an ex for a reason and its very difficult to be just friends with someone you slept with and so on,
you really need to sit him down ask him if he still likes her and why he feels compled to be her friend, she helped him fair enough but they broke up and there was obviously a reason for that. plus it would be easier to accept if she txt him once in a while but txts at 2 in the morning, well f*ck me id go crazy, who does she think she is, she knows he's going out with you, she sounds like a bit*h, maybe you dont have to worry about him but id worry about her, she sounds liek a bunny boiler! im getting mad just thinking about it
best of luck but you need to talk to him

Adam · 28-07-2008 3:07pm

Has he tried hitting you?

My god woman! You're a self-confessed paranoid person, and it's hugely evident! As a guy who's still good friends with most of my ex's, I can safely say I understand how he feels. And you're being seriously overbearing. If he wants to text someone, it's entirely his choice. As soon as you started telling him what he can and can't do, or who he can and can't talk to, you basically created this whole mess for yourself.

You need to back down. And don't EVER read someone else's mail or texts without permission, it's a disgusting invasion of privacy.

Sherifu · 28-07-2008 3:08pm

Get some perspective, it's a facebook account. I'd kick you to the kerb. Reading his mails and txts is out of order.

Paranoid girlfriends wonder why their boyfriends keep things from them...

eveie · 28-07-2008 3:11pm

mirror
the ex asked him to sleep with her???????
am i missing something here, but that is not called for, would you be so understanding if your gf's ex asked her to sleep with him, im sure you wouldnt.
there are some....very few people who can remain friends with an ex and only friends.
however this ex does not want to remain "friends"
the op has every right to be annoyed any living breathing human being would be

Adam · 28-07-2008 3:14pm

eveie wrote: »

mirror
the ex asked him to sleep with her???????
am i missing something here, but that is not called for, would you be so understanding if your gf's ex asked her to sleep with him, im sure you wouldnt.
there are some....very few people who can remain friends with an ex and only friends.
however this ex does not want to remain "friends"
the op has every right to be annoyed any living breathing human being would be

The OP has a right to be annoyed with the ex, but as she admitted, her boyfriend told his ex to eff off when she asked him to meet for sex. So the OP has no right to get mad at her OH for that.

eveie · 28-07-2008 3:17pm

ok but the op's oh knows that this ex is still into him yet he keeps replying to her msg's, im sorry but i wouldnt be too happy am i am the polar opposite of a jealous controlling person

MJOR · 28-07-2008 3:18pm

I never under any circumstances agree with checking partners emails or texts. However this is a big deal to you and you admitted that to him at the time.

I'm never a great fan of ex contact. I don't see the reasoning behind it but i guess they have a lot of history.

You know he loves you but he has broken the trust by lying....

Wibbs · 28-07-2008 3:19pm

I agree about the digging through emails etc as being well out of order. I also agree that you are right to be concerned. The invitation to a shagfest is well out of order too. Now this is your boyfriends ex, not him, that's the issue. At least mostly her.

Friends as exes is all very well if you can do that, but where the ex has clearly stated that she wants to jump his bones at least once(possibly knowing you were away) and he continues this txting lark at 2 in the morning, then he needs to cop on a bit too tbh. He clearly knows this upsets you. Either that or he's an idiot. OK he feels indebted to her for a time in his life when she was there for him. That's cool, but not to the detriment of his current life. Contact is fine. This level of contact isn't. Especially if she's expressed more than friendship with him. The fact is he knows that too.

You freaking out regardless, will push him away and may even push him back to her as although he claims no feelings for her, she was the significant ex and it would be silly to assume no feelings on his part. Even if they're only of a friendly nature.

You have to sit down and without either of you flipping out, discuss hwo this is affecting you and why he continues to contact her knowing this.

Adam · 28-07-2008 3:22pm

eveie wrote: »

ok but the op's oh knows that this ex is still into him yet he keeps replying to her msg's, im sorry but i wouldnt be too happy am i am the polar opposite of a jealous controlling person

There's a difference between not being too happy with it, and what the OP is doing, throwing a little hissy fit, kicking her OH out of the room to read all his personal mail and texts. That's just wrong, nobody has the right to do that. I mean come on, she got mad at her OH for RECEIVING a text. What the hell is he meant to do about the times he receives texts at??

mbren · 28-07-2008 3:28pm

No offence OP, but I think your boyfriend would have left you for his ex by now if he actually wanted to be with her. There is no way he would put up with you reading his mails and messages (which is completely out of line) if he didn't want to be with you!...FACT.

You say that his ex is stunning, but hey, a relationship isn't built on looks alone so rest assured he feels he has a better relationship with you than he would potentially have with his ex.

Finally, i'd suggest you get help for your paranoia, as you can't go through life like that...you'd end up pushing everyone away!

eveie · 28-07-2008 3:31pm

he should tell his ex to f*ck off and not to txt him, if it was a case that she just wanted to be friends that that would be fine, but she crossed the line and he still replys to her, come on whats that saying, he is as much to balme as hes faciliating her

Mr. Incognito · 28-07-2008 3:32pm

She wants him and she is so much hotter than me, she is stunning!!!

This is your problem. Who gives a crap what SHE wants. Your boyfriend chose you!

And being a self excusing paranoid, privacy invading tool of a girlfriend is playing right into her hands.

Take a deep breath. Your boyfriend has been totally upfront with you about

Texting her
The contents of those texts
etc.

You losing the plot will only show him that, hey, what's the point of being honest if she only blames me anyway, I reckon I'll keep it to myself.

dont know if i can trust him, If he has lied about this, what else has he lied about??!!

Oh cop on, really. Cop on. He wasn't round the back of the sheds with her, he was having AN ELECTRONIC conversation.

Okay, what to do.

Sit down with your boyfriend and APOLOGISE for being a paranoid wreck and tell him that you trust him and you love him.

DO NOT:
Blame him for your insecurities
Go thorough his stuff without permission
Keep throwing tantrums

or you will be celebrating your three year anniversary alone.

Wurly · 28-07-2008 3:35pm

The OP invaded privacy which is wrong but it didn't start out this way. And he blatantly lied to the girl over and over again. This prompted her to not believe a word he said and now her paranoia has ran away with her.

She has acknowledged that the looking through personal messages was wrong. But if someone is lying to you over and over, I can see her desperation in trying to find out the truth once and for all. However, I do not condone this invasion of privacy for one second.

OP. I honestly don't know what to say. I understand the feeling of not knowing what to believe. I have been cheated on in the past. And my ex actually married the girl he cheated on me with. I actually thought I was going crazy in my own thoughts. So I really feel for you.

I agree with mbren's post.

Good luck with whatever happens.

Adam · 28-07-2008 3:36pm

eveie wrote: »

he should tell his ex to f*ck off and not to txt him, if it was a case that she just wanted to be friends that that would be fine, but she crossed the line and he still replys to her, come on whats that saying, he is as much to balme as hes faciliating her

Sounds like a nerve has been struck.

It's clear to me that the OP has been overbearing, demanding and out of line, while her OH has been very tolerant of all her crap. If he wants to text his ex back, or talk to her, he should be allowed. You're making a huge thing out of his ex asking for sex, he told the OP she was drunk at the time she asked, and I'd well believe it.

el tel · 28-07-2008 3:37pm

On the face of it, I think he should go back to Mary. Always go with the less mental girl is a good motto. If she's better looking as well...then there is no question about it.

I'd be packing my bags, in anticipation if I were the OP.

Wurly · 28-07-2008 3:42pm

SetantaL wrote: »

Sit down with your boyfriend and APOLOGISE for being a paranoid wreck

el tel wrote: »

Always go with the less mental girl is a good motto.

Wow, it must be great to never suffer any insecurities whatsoever and constantly be in control of your feelings. Never even a slip? Incredible. Hats off!

Clare Bear · 28-07-2008 3:43pm

I too can say I'm not a fan of ex girlfriends....it's just something I will probably always hate but I'd never let it get between me and my boyfriend. He's best friends with his most recent ex. As in they talk every day. Sure it's not a perfect scenario for me but I'd never get upset over it because she's an ex for a reason, he loves me and I just have to get on with the fact that they're in touch. So OP maybe he feels like he has to lie to you because he knows you're going to go mad if you find out they're in touch? Just because they're friends on Facebook now and he looked through her photos means nothing. I look at some of my ex's Bebo's and their photos, doesn't mean I want to get back with them.

I know you find it hard to trust people but I don't think this is a dumpable offence. Talk to him, tell him why you're upset, he didn't actually do anything terribly wrong.

mbren · 28-07-2008 3:44pm

I'm with Tri on this one, go easy!

eveie · 28-07-2008 3:44pm

of course it struck a nerve il be honest
ar eyou saying that because she asked for sex while she was drunk that he didnt mean it?
the op's oh ommited some information from the texts.
i have to laugh at all of you, put yourself in her position and see how you'd feel.
p.s i have been on both sides of this before and i told my ex where to go as soon as he even started to suggest anything more then friendship.
this ex does NOT want friendship and i think te op has been more then understanding.
i think the op's bf is looking for attention, something we all look for but looking for attention can quickly turn into something else

Wibbs · 28-07-2008 3:47pm

Tri wrote: »

Do you really think its constructive to come onto a personal issue forum and label someone a psycho? She also acknowledged that the looking through personal messages was wrong. But if someone is lying to you over and over, I can see her desperation in trying to find out the truth once and for all.

I do not condone this invasion of privacy for one second. But I think the 'psycho' label is being thrown about a bit too loosely.

I agree with this. So less of the "psycho" comments please.

I do think the boyfriend is either acting the muppet or genuinely not aware of the fact that the texts and all the rest are not affecting his relationship(the latter is a worry tbh).

If I put myself in the OP's position I would be a little concerned if a major ex of my girlfriend was texting to this degree and at that time of night. My concern would be increased if the offer of sex came up. Especially if I was away at the time. I would be concerned about the facebook/email stuff(though I would hope I would never go down that route). Him looking better than me wouldn't really be an issue. As others have said she picked me.

However that would only raise an eyebrow really. What would have me píssed off if my girlfriend was lying to me about it and then compounding that by continued contact, knowing this would upset me due to the nature of it. That would be the issue. Not her ex, but how she decides to deal with the ex.

In that case regardless of the tangent(in this case) of the snooping, I do think the OP has a right to be concerned.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2008 3:47pm

Yes I am a paranoid person and in her case he lied to me about it. The first time it happened, I knew for weeks that she wanted him back, why else would you text someone in the middle of the night?????? I said it to him that she still had feelings for him and he said that she didnt and then i find out a week later that she had tried to get him into bed 2 weeks earlier, What am I supposed to think?? When they first started texting I really didnt have a problem with it but anyone in my situation would have got as annoyed as I did. I didnt ask him not to contact her again, he suggested it as I was having trouble trusting him again after I found out. I agreed to this but i didnt tell him to do it!

yea its only a facebook account but
1. She is his only friend on it
2. he never mentioned being on facebook to me
3. loads of our friends have facebook accounts, why isnt he friends with them?

I agree reading his texts wasnt on, I told him i did it and i did apologised to him on I calmed down. I did say in my first post that i wasnt proud of it. I have never done anything like this before!

I am a paranoid person but i keep my paranoia to myself. I have come a long way in the past year and I did trust him 100%. If some asked me a few days ago if he ever cheated on me, I would have bet my life on the fact that he didnt. and if we are in a club and he is talking to some girl it doesnt bother me. I trusted him totally!! But with her its different, They have history together, she wants to get him into bed and he is keeping stuff from me. What other way am i supposed to take it.

eveie, I have talked calmly to him about this before and he knows how i feel about the whole situation. But he doesnt seem to think that the its a big of a deal. and if he had of been honest with me about what she said, then i would have had no problem with them talking, I really wouldnt mind, I would have trusted him completly!!, But he did lie to me and make me feel even worse about myself for not trusting his judgement on whether she had feelings for him or not.

Mr. Incognito · 28-07-2008 3:49pm

Wow, it must be great to never suffer any insecurities whatsoever and constantly be in control of your feelings. Never even a slip? Incredible. Hats off!

Everyone has insecurities. Not everyone has respect for their partner. She went through his personal stuff on the most scant of evidence and then made excuses for it. If this was my other half she'd be packing her bags. She crossed the line.

one of the greatest things I ever learnt in life was how to apologise and not make excuses for myself.

If she has a problem with an ex, fine. take it up with the boyfriend but sneaking around in his stuff is just a cowards way to justify their own paranoia.

spinandscribble · 28-07-2008 3:50pm

what i'd be concerned about is he got a facebook account JUST to view her pics. rationally though, she probably invited him via email and he clicked yes. big deal. what i wouldn't like is the fact he refuses to admit he added her and looked at her pics. its silly but he's scared of telling you the truth. come on op have you never looked at a exs profile?

edit: plus theres nothing i hate more then a bf/gf using their OHs flaws as a way of covering his tracks. "oh you're just being our jealous/foolish/nagging self, i've done nothing wrong. boohoo for me. say sowwy now".. grr... lol only to find out later you were right haha

eveie · 28-07-2008 3:52pm

If she has a problem with an ex, fine. take it up with the boyfriend but sneaking around in his stuff is just a cowards way to justify their own paranoia.[/quote]

i think she was justified in looking at his phone to some extent, surely he had nothing to hide~????
oki wouldnt do it myself but still, the fact that he wasnt straight with her says it all
op you need to have a serious conservation with your bf about thism his actions are not on, tell him excatly how yo feel

Wurly · 28-07-2008 3:53pm

SetantaL wrote: »

Everyone has insecurities. Not everyone has respect for their partner. She went through his personal stuff on the most scant of evidence and then made excuses for it. If this was my other half she'd be packing her bags. She crossed the line.

one of the greatest things I ever learnt in life was how to apologise and not make excuses for myself.

If she has a problem with an ex, fine. take it up with the boyfriend but sneaking around in his stuff is just a cowards way to justify their own paranoia.

I agree with all that you've said. But be fair. She has admitted it was the wrong thing to do. He was a prize arse for lying to her. That's not respect either. I can understand why she did it tbh. It was her only way of getting a straight answer because he wouldn't give it to her. He'd lied before. Why not again?

I think there is equal amounts of disrespect here on both sides.

My issue with your post was that its all too easy to call someone names for not behaving in the right fashion. I don't think its too difficult to understand why she did what she did.

Again, not condoning.;)

GuanYin · 28-07-2008 4:01pm

Much of the problem here is your insecurity and self esteem.

As others have said, your bf obviously wants to be with you and would have left you if he was interested in his ex. OK, he lied to you, but he most likely did it because he knows about your insecurity and self-esteem issues. If I was in your position, I'd arrange the meeting and be all over my boyfriend in front of her, but then I'm not a nice person and I probably have the opposite problem to you

Seriously though, you either trust him or you don't. If you do, get over it, he has exes and he has a past as do you. If he wants to be with you he will, if he wants to cheat or leave, he will, no amount of controlling who he talks to or checking up on him will stop that, indeed all it will do is cause resentment.

Two years is a long time to be mistrusting over a facebook account and texts where he actes as he should.

You should be giving him kudos for rejecting the sex and responding harshly to her, not having a wiggins because he wants to keep in touh with someone who has obviously helped him through issues to become the person he is.. which you have benefitted from

Wibbs · 28-07-2008 4:01pm

SetantaL wrote: »

Everyone has insecurities. Not everyone has respect for their partner. She went through his personal stuff on the most scant of evidence and then made excuses for it. If this was my other half she'd be packing her bags. She crossed the line.

We've established that going through his stuff was out of order. The OP herself said the same.

one of the greatest things I ever learnt in life was how to apologise and not make excuses for myself.

I agree.

If she has a problem with an ex, fine. take it up with the boyfriend but sneaking around in his stuff is just a cowards way to justify their own paranoia.

Yes but she has taken it up with him more than once. Yet he keeps the contact, knowing this upsets her and does so behind her back.

I work on this principle with any woman I've been going out with. If I have contact with another woman ex or no, then I would have no problem with the girlfriend seeing those, if she cared enough to ask. If it was a problem for her, even more so. Even if it's just to reassure her. So what if she gets insecure. We all get insecure from time to time. If I love someone. Hell even care about someone, I would at least attempt to reduce the level of insecurity she might feel.

If I feel I have to hide something like this from her, then it means I know I should. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those full disclosure types that will tell a partner every little detail about my life just to placate or reassure them 24/7. No way. Life is too short for that madness but if this guy wanted to make this right he should have given her all the details from the get go. If the ex had suggested a shagette, then I would have said no and suggested we not contact for a while so that we get some distance. Enough distance to be mates down the line. I would also add that I wouldn't feel comfortable about my girlfriend seeing this as it would upset her. Doesn't sound like rocket science. Good manners really.

Wurly · 28-07-2008 4:03pm

GuanYin wrote: »

If I was in your position, I'd arrange the meeting and be all over my boyfriend in front of her

With all due respect, I think the last thing this situation needs is game playing.;)

Fires all over the place.

Mr. Incognito · 28-07-2008 4:06pm

Yes I am a paranoid person and in her case he lied to me about it. The first time it happened, I knew for weeks that she wanted him back, why else would you text someone in the middle of the night?????? I said it to him that she still had feelings for him and he said that she didnt and then i find out a week later that she had tried to get him into bed 2 weeks earlier, What am I supposed to think?? When they first started texting I really didnt have a problem with it but anyone in my situation would have got as annoyed as I did. I didnt ask him not to contact her again, he suggested it as I was having trouble trusting him again after I found out. I agreed to this but i didnt tell him to do it!

yea its only a facebook account but
1. She is his only friend on it
2. he never mentioned being on facebook to me
3. loads of our friends have facebook accounts, why isnt he friends with them?

I agree reading his texts wasnt on, I told him i did it and i did apologised to him on I calmed down. I did say in my first post that i wasnt proud of it. I have never done anything like this before!

I am a paranoid person but i keep my paranoia to myself. I have come a long way in the past year and I did trust him 100%. If some asked me a few days ago if he ever cheated on me, I would have bet my life on the fact that he didnt. and if we are in a club and he is talking to some girl it doesnt bother me. I trusted him totally!! But with her its different, They have history together, she wants to get him into bed and he is keeping stuff from me. What other way am i supposed to take it.

eveie, I have talked calmly to him about this before and he knows how i feel about the whole situation. But he doesnt seem to think that the its a big of a deal. and if he had of been honest with me about what she said, then i would have had no problem with them talking, I really wouldnt mind, I would have trusted him completly!!, But he did lie to me and make me feel even worse about myself for not trusting his judgement on whether she had feelings for him or not.

I've highlighted the above to show that you are blaming your boyfriend for how you think someone else feels.
It's not about what she wants, but what he wants and if you cannot see that then I hope you and your paranoia live a long and happy life. There will always be exes, female colleagues, etc. You need to trust and keep trusting until he breaks that, and here, he has not.

Yes but she has taken it up with him more than once. Yet he keeps the contact, knowing this upsets her and does so behind her back

I'd agree with this. He shouldn't really be rising you. Maybe he likes the attention. Have a chat.

Wurly · 28-07-2008 4:11pm

SetantaL wrote: »

You need to trust and keep trusting until he breaks that, and here, he has not.

Okay he may not have shagged Mary since breaking up with her but how can she trust him when he lied?

That is breaking trust.

I agree with what you are saying in your post. But I still think you are missing the point as to why the OP is so paranoid.

He Lied.

Mr. Incognito · 28-07-2008 4:16pm

He Lied.

No he bloody well did not. He didn't bother his girlfriend who has a habit of making mountains out of molehills about a particular molehill.

Omission is not Guilt.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2008 4:19pm

I also want to add that i asked him to leave the room because I have a temper and I was afraid I would say something in the heat of the moment that I didnt mean. The laptop and his phone were beside me, I did not go looking for them. In the heat of the moment I looked at them. I couldnt help it. I went downstairs to him and the first thing i did was tell him what i had done and apologised.

I can honestly say that he is the nicest guy i've ever met and i know he loves me but she seems to have a hold over him. He is friends with another ex and they were together for about 3 years and we see her every now and again and there has never been an issue, heck i've got to be good friends with her. Thats because she hasnt tried to get him into bed.

setantal, He has lied! I said to him mary has feelings for him and he said she didnt. A week later i find out she tried to get him into bed 2 weeks earlier

Mr. Incognito · 28-07-2008 4:29pm

setantal, He has lied! I said to him mary has feelings for him and he said she didnt. A week later i find out she tried to get him into bed 2 weeks earlier

That's pretty weak. How the hell is he supposed to know how anyone else feels. Hell you're his girlfriend and he doesn't even know how you feel ffs or else he wouldn't be thinking it's no big deal.

Look the guys is trying to stay in contact with an ex, he's been with you for two years and he's putting up with this madness. if he wanted to leave he would have done so long ago.

You are trying to transfer your insecurities onto him and make it his fault and that simply isn't on. That argument just will not fly. You're not one bit justified here in going through his stuff or not trusting him for how someone else outside of the relationship feels.

Look I'm going home from work,

you want advice, put the blame stick away and have a chat without losing the plot.

Wurly · 28-07-2008 4:32pm

unregalltheway wrote: »

he continued to tell me that she doesn't and that he was just trying to be a good mate to her. I told him this was bulls**t and he eventually admitted that she had text him a couple of weeks before and asked him to meet up with her for sex!!

He told me he lied so i wouldn't be jealous about it

He did lie.

Sherifu · 28-07-2008 4:33pm

unregalltheway wrote: »

I also want to add that i asked him to leave the room because I have a temper and I was afraid I would say something in the heat of the moment that I didnt mean. The laptop and his phone were beside me, I did not go looking for them. In the heat of the moment I looked at them. I couldnt help it. I went downstairs to him and the first thing i did was tell him what i had done and apologised.

I can honestly say that he is the nicest guy i've ever met and i know he loves me but she seems to have a hold over him. He is friends with another ex and they were together for about 3 years and we see her every now and again and there has never been an issue, heck i've got to be good friends with her. Thats because she hasnt tried to get him into bed.

setantal, He has lied! I said to him mary has feelings for him and he said she didnt. A week later i find out she tried to get him into bed 2 weeks earlier

So you won't allow him to be friends with his ex?

I think you need to keep working on your own issues and have an honest talk with him about the situation with his ex.

Wibbs · 28-07-2008 4:37pm

SetantaL wrote: »

No he bloody well did not. He didn't bother his girlfriend who has a habit of making mountains out of molehills about a particular molehill.

I have to disagree on this he did lie. A few times it seems.

Omission is not Guilt.

I agree but it's often unwise.

That's pretty weak. How the hell is he supposed to know how anyone else feels.

I think you're misreading this. He knew how she felt. She told him she wanted to shag him. Fairly upfront I think you'll agree. I know I would be fairly sure of her feelings at that point and I'm as psychic as a house brick. Now two weeks later the OP suggested the ex wanted to jump his bones and he said no she didn't. So he lied. Now you can excuse him on the principle that he was trying to not upset her or for a quiet life, but the OP would understandably feel a little threatened to find this out.

Are you honestly telling me that if your girlfriend was in constant cantact with a major first love ex, tells you that he isn't interested and you find out he wants a bit of hows your father when you were away, that you wouldn't raise an eyebrow just a little?

Hell you're his girlfriend and he doesn't even know how you feel ffs or else he wouldn't be thinking it's no big deal.

Yea but TBH that's pretty dumb of him, or he doesn't want to accept that fact. In fact that worries me more than the ex. I couldn't be dealing with someone that slow on the uptake.

28-07-2008 4:40pm

unregalltheway wrote: »

setantal, He has lied! I said to him mary has feelings for him and he said she didnt. A week later i find out she tried to get him into bed 2 weeks earlier

So let me get this straight...

She has a "hold" over him and is gorgeous?

She offers him sex and you are nowhere to be seen?

He immediately and unequivocally turns her down?

He tells you a small white lie to spare your feelings?

You decide he is to blame for something...?

The man, frankly, sounds as if he is mad on two fronts. Firstly mad about you and secondly mad for staying with you if he can do absolutely nothing wrong and still get this drama. Grow up in my opinion.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2008 4:50pm

i have said in all my posts that I shouldn't have invaded his privacy, I know it was wrong and the first thing i did was apologised to him.

I have also said that i have no problem with him being friends with his exes and we do see some of one of his exes on a regular basis and those are the only exes he had a long term relationship with.

I am a paranoid person about some things, this is the only thing i get paranoid about that concerns my OH. I did not have a problem with him being friends with her before he lied to me, I found the late night texts annoying at the start but when he told me she didnt have feelings for him, I let it go! I knew she did, It doesnt take a genius to work that out.

I did not stop him being friends with his ex, as i said after i found out about wha she had text him, they kept texting for a while but i had trouble trusting him. I never said oh you cant be friends with her. He told me he would not contact her again because it was bothering me. up to that point I never told him it bothered me, he worked it out himself. after he said that i told him that it had got to me.

it gets me because i would never have anything to do with someone who tried to break me and my OH up. Because thats what she tried to do, she knew we were together and he continued to be in contact with her.

I couldn't care less if someone comes onto him, it has happened a few times since we have been together but when he lies...........

Bottle_of_Smoke · 28-07-2008 5:02pm

unregalltheway wrote: »

The laptop and his phone were beside me, I did not go looking for them. In the heat of the moment I looked at them. I couldnt help it. I went downstairs to him and the first thing i did was tell him what i had done and apologised.

[/B]

Doesn't really matter, you knew you could of apologised later. If you had the control to tell him to leave you had the control not to go through his stuff.

Anyway, I think the only way you can be 99% sure he likes you more is to make it very easy for him to leave you. I understand this is very difficult to do but with her being hotter than you (makes a pretty big difference with guys I'm sad to say) & his eagerness to be in contact with her, it's your only option if you wan to stay sane.

I'm finding it difficult to read between the lines but I would say you're putting a major guilt trip on him to stay with you. Consciously or not.

A girl being there for you years back doesn't make you tolerate stalking level of texts. I think he's at least semi interested but is weighing up the awkwardness/damage to his repution by staying with you. The hassle of having to move out is probably holding him back too.

Why would he not want to get back with her? Did they have a rough breakup? Could he have hated her at some stage?

Anyway as I said, make it easy for him to leave you, but obviously make him know you haven't lost interest. Then you'll get your answer

outspann · 28-07-2008 5:06pm

I always wonder why some people just post in PI if it's just to be cantankerous. Why not take on somebody your own size?

OP - the danger with technology whether texting, internet, etc, is that a lot of people (was going to say a lot of guys, as I think we are better at putting things into different boxes in our brain) believe that because it's not "real", then it doesn't count. You can text and webchat good-o, but it doesn't REALLY affect your life because its not actually happening.

Of course, experience would say that it's the broken trust that is the problem, not any physical contact. If I was your boyfriend, I'd be feeling two things about the text messages (a) guilty, and (b) kinda excited. That's why he didn't tell you about them. Add that to the fact that he's in denial that it's "real", and you end up with the omelette that you now have.

You can get through this, maybe he didn't realise how seriously it affected you the first time, but at the end of the day he has chosen you. Remember that.

littlebug · 28-07-2008 5:28pm

About facebook

about a year ago a male aquaintance sent me an invitation to join facebook. He's obviously just sent the link to everyone in his email address book. Nosiness got the better of me so I followed the link and set up an account. I had a nosy round the acquaintance's profile, logged out and never went back because I couldn't be arshed. So to this day that acquaintance remains my only facebook friend on my unused facebook account. My husband doesn't know about my facebook account, not because it's secret but because it's nothing.... it passed 5 minutes in an otherwise boring work day. Could it be that something similar happened here? It could all be innocent and nosiness got the better of him one day. Don't you ever wonder what your exes are up to? It doesn't mean you want to sleep with them.

vorbis · 28-07-2008 5:38pm

unregalltheway wrote: »

We nearly broke up over it but he promised never to contact her again and kept true to his word and when he didn't reply to her texts she sent him a nasty message and we never heard from her again. or so i thought.
Now 18 months later

I'm a bit surprised people haven't picked up on this. The latest incident is a year and a half after the incident with the text message. So an ex of your bf's texts him asking for sex a year and a half ago. He has not been in contact with her since but seems to have accepted a facebook invitation from her at some point. This to you is grounds for breaking up?? Just because you say you are paranoid does not mean it is ok.

Tbh, the facebook thing just sounds like curiosity. I browse through photos of old friends and exes on bebo from time to time. Its simple curiosity slash nosiness. I'd be pretty annoyed if my gf threw a strop about it.

Jonathan · 28-07-2008 5:43pm

unregalltheway wrote: »

we were on the internet and i was typing a website on the address bar and on the drop down I saw a facebook address followed by her name.

Firefox 3's awesome bar I suppose? :pac:

On a serious note.
I dont think you have anything to worry about. You suspected nothing all along. That means either your boyfriend is *very* good at hiding things or, as most people here think, they mearly talked on facebook and that is about the extent of things.

Also it is VERY EASY to find people on facebook. You simply have to grant it access to your gmail/hotmail account and it will list all the facebook accounts with the emails registered in your contacts. It could simply be a case that she had his email address in her contacts and sent him an invite to facebook.

Wibbs · 28-07-2008 5:43pm

TBH I missed that time gap. I tend to agree too. It is a bit of a stretch alright.

Sherifu · 28-07-2008 5:48pm

vorbis wrote: »

I'm a bit surprised people haven't picked up on this. The latest incident is a year and a half after the incident with the text message. So an ex of your bf's texts him asking for sex a year and a half ago. He has not been in contact with her since but seems to have accepted a facebook invitation from her at some point. This to you is grounds for breaking up?? Just because you say you are paranoid does not mean it is ok.

Tbh, the facebook thing just sounds like curiosity. I browse through photos of old friends and exes on bebo from time to time. Its simple curiosity slash nosiness. I'd be pretty annoyed if my gf threw a strop about it.

Even if it was a shorter time, like you say(and i've said already) it's a facebook account. The fact that he has only the ex on it tells me she sent him an invite, he registered and forgot about it. The OP is jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst because of her own insecurities imho. Her boyfriend would be gone long ago if that was what he wanted. Am I allowed to say 'irrational women'?

Wurly · 28-07-2008 5:50pm

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH I missed that time gap. I tend to agree too. It is a bit of a stretch alright.

Hmm. As did I!

**goes to put coffee on**.

Yep, this really does change a lot, now!

MrVestek · 28-07-2008 5:58pm

So, let me get this straight. She offered him sex 18 months ago, he declined then accepted a random invite from her on Facebook which he barely ever seems to use?

I'm sorry but I'm struggeling to see the issue here bar your own insecurities and paranoia.

RedXIV · 28-07-2008 7:02pm

Deleted User wrote: »

So let me get this straight...

She has a "hold" over him and is gorgeous?

She offers him sex and you are nowhere to be seen?

He immediately and unequivocally turns her down?

He tells you a small white lie to spare your feelings?

You decide he is to blame for something...?

The man, frankly, sounds as if he is mad on two fronts. Firstly mad about you and secondly mad for staying with you if he can do absolutely nothing wrong and still get this drama. Grow up in my opinion.

+1

I second this. Now i'm notoriously soft and give people everyone the benefit of the doubt but you're really straining it. It may be unfair as i don't have the patience to deal with someone of your paranoia, but i can clearly see where he's coming from. You've admitted your paranoid. That means you've probably told him too. Makes sense for him to tell these little white lies. He hasn't acted on any of his ex's invitations, in fact, as you say, he was fairly harsh in his dismissal.

And as for getting texts at all hours, that happens to me, all the time, from countless people. Doesn't mean i'm cheating. means i'm popular

OP, my advice is wrap yourself in the knowledge that this guy loves you, he has done for 2 years and he's obviously not going to give that up for this girl. She's offered the best she had and he's turned it down. You obviously mean alot to him. When that thought finally sinks in, not only will you solve this problem, but you may finally rid yourself of your paranoia

Red

insomnia08 · 28-07-2008 7:29pm

I´ve been in a similar situation. I completely understand you. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because he kept hiding thinks like that from me. You can´t trust him at the moment, can you?

I don´t think you are paranoid at all. All the guys are saying that because that´s what many do/or have done at certain stage, until they learn the consequences...

I had other relationships before and I never had to check texts, emails or anything else, but because the guys would simply not have any secrets with me, I woud know everything about the ex and they would make me feel confident about our relatinship.

Hiding things from you is a very inmature attitude. You are the one to decide if you are going to cope with it.

Best of luck

MagicMarker · 28-07-2008 7:43pm

unregalltheway wrote: »

I also want to add that i asked him to leave the room because I have a temper and I was afraid I would say something in the heat of the moment that I didnt mean. The laptop and his phone were beside me, I did not go looking for them. In the heat of the moment I looked at them. I couldnt help it. I went downstairs to him and the first thing i did was tell him what i had done and apologised.

I can honestly say that he is the nicest guy i've ever met and i know he loves me but she seems to have a hold over him. He is friends with another ex and they were together for about 3 years and we see her every now and again and there has never been an issue, heck i've got to be good friends with her. Thats because she hasnt tried to get him into bed.

setantal, He has lied! I said to him mary has feelings for him and he said she didnt. A week later i find out she tried to get him into bed 2 weeks earlier

It doesn't matter what she's tried to do, only what he has or hasn't done. It's not his fault she tried it on. Yet you're punishing him for doing nothing.

You should be happy you have a loyal bf.

The facebook page means nothing, maybe he set it up a year ago and recently came across it again and decided to see what she was up to? If he was sending msg's by the bucket load then AND DELETING them so you wouldn't find out, then i'm sure he would have the cop on to delete his history too.

If one of your ex's tried it on with you when he was drunk (he said she was drunk when she texted that) would you never talk to them again or just put it down to them being a drunken fool?

Secret facebook

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