If he hit you once...

LegacyUser

Hi,

You know how people say 'Once a cheater always a cheater' and if he hit you once he'll do it again?
Is this always the case?

I've just gotten back together with an ex who was violent with me in the past on 2 occasions. Twice in five
years. I'm worried it may happen again or that he'll think he can get away with stuff like since I took him
back.

The reason i'm taking him back is pure love. He has alot of good traits also.

Any thoughts?

DiscoHugh

....what if he hit you twice?

Oh wait he did!! I bet after the first time he said "Never again" right? :rolleyes:

Deadeyes

He did it twice doesn't that answer your question?

LegacyUser

The fact that you are questioning your decision speaks volumes.

I am a true believer in the fact that if you got hit once by him & you left.... then if you go back to him... you are then no longer only the victim you are the fool, you are part of the continuance of the problem...

Colonel_McCoy

He hits you twice and you call it true love????

sam34

Alittlescared wrote: »

I'm worried it may happen again or that he'll think he can get away with stuff like since I took him back.

you've proven to him that he can get away with it.
he did it twice, yet you still took him back.
more fool you, tbh.
what are you waiting for? him to break your jaw? kick you until you get internal bleeding? push you down the stairs and give you a head injury?

VW08

He's done it twice already, and you keep coming back for more!! Do yourself a favour, leave him and dont look back.

How Strange

Alittlescared wrote: »

I'm worried it may happen again or that he'll think he can get away with stuff like since I took him back.

IMO, when someone hits you a line has been crossed. If it's being crossed once then crossing it again and again gets easier. Of course he thinks he can do it again - YOU GOT BACK WITH HIM. Honestly, you must have very low self esteem if you'd consider going back into an abusive relationship.

The reason i'm taking him back is pure love.

Eh, brace yourself - no it's not pure love. It's nothing near pure love. It's an abusive relationship based on force and bullying. Don't kid yourself otherwise. If it was 'pure' love there is no way he would raise his hand to you because he would love and respect you too much.

He has alot of good traits also.

I'm sure he does. Murderers and rapists can be nice people too. It doesn't excuse the fact that he was abusive towards you.

But I reckon you already know all this otherwise you wouldn't have posted on boards.

There's another post on PI called 'sad and alone'. You should read through it because it's a very clear example of an abusive relationship and how a young girl can be turned into a terrified victim because of abuse.

As I said before, you must have very low self esteem to even consider getting back into a relationship with this person.

Cutie18Ireland

Alittlescared wrote: »

If he hit you once...

He wouldn't get the chance to do it again...

cjmcork

fair enough if you want to risk him belting you - but if it's true love, are you comfortable with the fact that he may beat your children........and if they see you getting a wallop every now and again, does that sit well?

Overheal

and i bet he hasnt been to get any professional help yet? anger is anger and it all needs management - some of us need more help at times than others.

lolly22

Op please,

He hits you. He does not love you. Take it from someone who's been used.Just dont go there.

Good luck
Lolly

AngryBadger

OP I agree with everyone else here. Whatever good experiences you had with this guy, you're trying to convince yourself that they in some way excuse his violence towards you. Nothing can excuse abuse in a relationship. nobody's perfect, we all slip up now and again so maybe there might be an argument if he had lost the head once or something, but even then, and in this case he has already hit you twice.

Nothing mitigates this abuse OP, and if you get back with him and stay with him you're jsut going to see it get worse and worse, eventually you'll find yourself in a life of constant abuse. In all likelihood!

Maggie Simpson

Overheal wrote: »

is anger and it all needs management - some of us need more help at times than others.

This is the kind of logic use by people who are violent with their partners. I had an ex who was totally screwed up - bad relationship with his parents, brother, (ex) friends, colleagues.....when he drank he used to get more angry & we had a few arguments that got VERY heated but stopped short of actual violence.

Until one night.

OP - please please please don't go back to him. It's not worth the risk. No matter how much you love him.

Dizzyblonde

You should have insisted on him getting help for his violent tendencies before you took him back. At the very least tell him he needs to do this now - if he won't then I think you know what you need to do before he hits you again...

We teach people how to treat us, and by getting back with him you've given him the message that it's ok to hit you.

Love2love

I know some of the post seem harsh but they're true. There will always be a chance that he will do this again. If are still planning to stay in this relationship then please asked him to go to anger manageement classes. If he says no, well then he doesnt want to change and it will happen again because he know he will get away with it again.

little lady

Alittlescared wrote: »

Hi,

if he hit you once he'll do it again?
Is this always the case?

You already know the answer to this question as he did hit you a second time, will he hit you a third time, more than likely but are you willing to hang around and find out, I wouldn't, then I wouldn't have stayed after the first one.

You said you were going back because it was "true love", it may be on your part but certainly not on his, if he loved you at all be it true love or any other kind he would NEVER have hit you even once.

Leave him and don't ever go back, nothing is worth it and no one has the right to hit you no matter what. Ask yourself a question , do YOU want to spend the rest of your life wondering if this is the time he's going to snap??

Wibbs

I've learned over the years not to be so black and white. I do believe people can change and change quite a bit, but and it's a big but, only if they want to change and wanting that change they actually work on it. That's rare hence the phrase a "leopard never changes it's spots".

TBH the cheating bit I would forgive, if there was love, honesty and respect at the core of the relationship. I realise many would disagree, but I have known good couples, where in the past one of them has cheated, even had an affair in one case. It's repairable, but again only if both work on it.

The violence is a problem. I do know a guy who slapped a woman when he was younger. He was so filled with self loathing at his actions that he has never done that since. He mulled it over in his head for a long time and actually avoided going out with anyone in that time, but he came to terms in his own head why he did it and why he would never do it again. Indeed I would trust him completely now with any of my women friends if they went out with him. I will say in his case the provocation was truly huge, but that is never an excuse. You know the reason I would trust him now? Because even in the face of that serious provocation he never, not once used it as an excuse, even in the immediate aftermath. He saw his actions for what they were, regardless. Someone who will take responsibility for their actions and see them for what they are is someone who is much more likely to change and improve themselves.

This situation doesn't begin to approach that above example. Now you may feel you have to justify his actions saying he was provoked(common enough in abusive relationships), but I suspect not. Plus he did this twice. The twice part is the important part. He didn't learn from the first time and frankly neither did you.

I would be very careful going back into this.

McGinty

Hi Op

I am afraid it is very likely that he would, but more importantly you have to ask yourself a very important question: why do you love a man who has physically hurt you and why have you taken him back?

I don't see you as a fool as some other posters have called you but I see someone who feels they have no personal power or right to be treated nice and with respect. Your username speaks volumes, you are re-entering a relationship where you feel 'a little scared'. Genuine and loving relationships do not thrive on fear, fear and violence kills them, you also state:

I'm worried it may happen again or that he'll think he can get away with stuff like since I took him back.

This shows that you do not feel you have an equal basis in this relationship, that is he has all the power and you have none. I say these things because I used to attract abusive men because I thought so little of myself, had crippling low self esteem, didn't like myself and was convinced deep down that no one could love me. Furthermore I grew up in an abusive situation where all boundaries were destroyed so I had no sense of what was acceptable or unacceptable. In my case I needed therapy and help to learn about boundaries, gaining self authority, learning to love and respect myself and so on. It can be done I promise you, but I feel from your post you need to work on your own issues and maybe get some extra help because it is very probable that you have attracted abusive men or situations in the past (I also attractted abusive friends too). It may take time but when you learn to care for yourself and develop your own personal power, the feeling is amazing and life becomes a joy. You will also attract loving men/friends/situations and so forth. Best of luck Op and I hope you pull away from your boyfriend because he has already crossed the boundaries TWICE irrespective of the sweet words, etc.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

I've learned over the years not to be so black and white. I do believe people can change and change quite a bit, but and it's a big but, only if they want to change and wanting that change they actually work on it. That's rare hence the phrase a "leopard never changes it's spots".

TBH the cheating bit I would forgive, if there was love, honesty and respect at the core of the relationship. I realise many would disagree, but I have known good couples, where in the past one of them has cheated, even had an affair in one case. It's repairable, but again only if both work on it.

The violence is a problem. I do know a guy who slapped a woman when he was younger. He was so filled with self loathing at his actions that he has never done that since. He mulled it over in his head for a long time and actually avoided going out with anyone in that time, but he came to terms in his own head why he did it and why he would never do it again. Indeed I would trust him completely now with any of my women friends if they went out with him. I will say in his case the provocation was truly huge, but that is never an excuse. You know the reason I would trust him now? Because even in the face of that serious provocation he never, not once used it as an excuse, even in the immediate aftermath. He saw his actions for what they were, regardless. Someone who will take responsibility for their actions and see them for what they are is someone who is much more likely to change and improve themselves.

This situation doesn't begin to approach that above example. Now you may feel you have to justify his actions saying he was provoked(common enough in abusive relationships), but I suspect not. Plus he did this twice. The twice part is the important part. He didn't learn from the first time and frankly neither did you.

I would be very careful going back into this.

We had been together about 6 months when he first hit me. He thought I had cheated on him ( I hadn't) and flew into a jealous rage. I broke up with him but took him back after much apologies, begging etc. For the next 3 years there was no violence at all. We were in love and happy but the relationship ended regardless.

We got back together almost a year later and we were drinking heavily one night. We started talking about the past and who we'd been with while we were apart. Very stupid conversation to have when drinking whiskey. He ended up freaking out and he hit me.
I left him immediatley afterwards.
He apologised but I couldn't forgive him.

Only recently we've been back in touch and have decided to give it one last shot. Chances are we'll split again but we want to give it a try.

Could he possibly love me if he hit me? Is it possibly to hit someone you love?

I'd really appreciate some advice here. The thing is, I'm not scared of him. It's not like I'm on edge around him.

But my heart is aying he couldn't love me cause if he did, he'd never rasie his hand.

Can you hit someone you love?

RedXIV

I'm horribly biased in this situation because i've absolutely no time for a man that hits a woman he's in a relationship with. Even if said woman was attacking the man, i still wouldn't condone hitting a woman.

To be perfectly honest, the only way i'd support you going back to him would be if i knew his arms were broken. Sorry but thats my view on this

Nevyn

OK so the first time he over reacted and the second time you are saying it was a mess and you played a part in provoking him.

Have either of you under go counselling for this ?
Has he done any anger management ?
Would you both consider couples counselling ?

If you want to have a go at making it work why not try everthing that you both can.
Yes people are flawed and no one is perfect but what in yourself keeps bringing you back to him ?

No1XtinaFan

Alittlescared wrote: »

Chances are we'll split again but we want to give it a try.

So why are you wasting your time???

You should just get on with your life and find someone who appreciates you for you and respects you enough to beleive you when you say you haven't cheated therefore won't fly into a jealous and violent rage.

You're worth more than this

not yet

When, not if... he hits you again ask yourself the question again.

MJOR

Any time a man raises his hand to a woman or visa versa it's wrong, maybe a mistake. To do it a second time is unforgiveable.

Do yourself and your sanity a favour and stay away. Don't be a victim

Sugar Drunk

He hit you and you stayed. he hit you again. You broke up but now you have taken him back. so what were the consequences for him hitting you? none, he still has what he wants, in essence he has been trained that hitting the GF is not a big deal.
will he do it again? who knows theres not too much for him to fear if he does as its happened twice before and you took it

Slow Motion

OP Did you listen to any of the news bulletins yesterday? That guy who was jailed for life for murdering his girlfriend in a drunken rage? You say the last time you had both been drinking whiskey, what about the next time you drink and argue? If he can lose it enough to hit you then can he lose it enough to grab a knife? I don't know him but do you want to take the chance? IMO getting back after the first time was a mistake!

How Strange

Wibbs wrote: »

I do know a guy who slapped a woman when he was younger. He was so filled with self loathing at his actions that he has never done that since. He mulled it over in his head for a long time and actually avoided going out with anyone in that time, but he came to terms in his own head why he did it and why he would never do it again.

Wibbs, I know men and women who've been abusive in relationships. Most of these relationships have been 'passionate' or 'fiery' read destructive.

They are decent, good people but they shouldn't have been in those relationships. They sparked off their partners and there was a clear degree of antagonism on the other side.

So I tend to try to see the shades of grey but I do have to say that raising your hand to anyone because you're frustrated or angry is wrong. There may be extenuating circumstances but it's still wrong.

OP, in your last post you said the second time happened after a good few drinks. One thing I've learned while in my current relationship is that a belly full of alcohol and these types of conversations don't mix. In fact it's potentially explosive.

Take him back if you want but the writing is well and truly on the wall. You seem to be one of those destructive relationships that I've seen my friends in and really the only solution is to breakup and stay apart because once the first punch/slap/push whatever happens then it degenerates and becomes a pattern of behaviour.

LegacyUser

Just to share my experience... I was with a man who hit me. He attacked me one night in a rage. I did end up back with him. He always claimed to bitterly regret what he did. We were together for a further four years before breaking up for reasons completely not related to that. he didn't ever hit me again.

I hope no-one thinks me telling my story is dangerous or that I'm encouraging women to stay with violent partners, I'm just sharing my experience. My situation is different anyway, OP, this guy has done it twice. you know what they say "Give everyone a second chance, but no-one a third"

LegacyUser

Obviously he has problems but in these cases partners can't help at all. Get away from him, cut all contact and if you need to speak to a psychologist, do. That will help you with the breaking-up.

Think about the women murdered by their partners. People with this problem, DO NOT love anyone, is a mental disorder.

You deserve better. There are lots of nice, honest and mentally balanced men out there. Get one of those.

Good luck x

Banana_montana

You know what? Get out of there.
I hate to be a negative nancy but that fact that you are worried about it is bad enough!
He may have some great traits, and he may be violent because he has hs own issues, but seriously, don't let it be something that affects and ruins your life.

There are so many great people out there! I kno wit's hard and when you are in love it's not as easy as saying "I dont deserve this" and moving on.
I'm not nor ever have been in the situation, but from an outsiders POV I reckon you should spare yourself the worry and do whats best for you!

Best of luck!:D

And just to add, I know that him hitting you doesn't make him a bad person, some people do have violent outbursts and it can result in suffering. He needs some help... but you have the choice of getting out of there or waiting around.

LegacyUser

Yes, I do believe its is possible to hit someone you love. People do bad things to people they love every day, cheating, lying etc...
It is quite possible that he loves you more than anything and that he is horrified at his actions. Did you talk much about it? What did he say? Some people have huge issues with anger and let it take control of them. So if he loves you he will prove that this is the case and seek help for his anger. It is not as easy as just leaving, you obviously feel that there is something holding you together. I know just getting up and going is easier said than done.
However is is also likely that he is just a plain dickhead who needs to be castorated. In the end, you and him are the only ones who can find out which one applies to him. Id say if he isnt willing to try anger management, even just to prove a point, then Id try my best to forget about him.

Kazobel

No OP of course he won't hit you again, sure he has so many good traits so if you try really hard maybe you can change so he doesn't get that look in his eye again, you know the one where you just know a black eye is coming? but hey all you really have to do is change and it won't happen will it because it's not like he's at fault or anything is it? sure he pure loves you doesn't he? so much so that he feels the need to mark his territory...

...now OP see how fcuking stupid that sounds when you read it to yourself and that's exactly how you're thinking right now, get away from him or he will hit you again and now that you've given him a third chance not only will he hit you but it'll be more violent because now he knows he can push his luck and you'll roll over like a lapdog. Not that it matters but what was his excuse for hitting you last time? did he make it feel like it was your fault? afterwards did he become nice and tell you you were a silly girl and if you just stopped wreaking his head you could be sooo happy together. Dump him now or you'll regret it.

Zulu

OP there are two types of people in this world: those who are violent to others and those of us who aren't.
This man is violent, you know that. If you stay with him, it's more than likely that he'll hit you again in the future.

You need to stay away from people who resort to violence. People who think violence is an acceptable way to resolve issues are scum. Plain and simple.

MagicMarker

No offence OP, but you are one gullible idiot.

You must be soo desperate for love that you'll go back to someone who can be so violent. I feel sorry for you. You say that it probably won't last yet you still go back, that just shows how desperate you are.

Do yourself a favour and forget about him completely, cut him out of your life COMPLETELY.

Lollipops23

violent men are violent. what basis do you have for presuming he won't do it again?he "told" you he wouldn't?come on,have some more respect for yourself and get the hell out of there.

ZygOte

Dear OP

Leave, Leave, Leave.
Once is once too many.. get yourself out of there please.
There should be no second chances for this kind of behaviour, ever.

metaoblivia

OP,

I've never had a boyfriend hit me, but I did grow up with a father who hit me. The situation was a bit different of course because I couldn't just up and leave until I turned 18.
However, I do know how confusing it can be to have someone you love - and someone who supposedly loves you - throwing fits of rage and getting violent.
But no person has the right to treat you in such a manner. I don't know if your boyfriend loves you or not, but realistically, it's not a question of love. My father loved his children and wife too. His love wasn't the issue, his temper and violence were.
Your boyfriend has already repeated his behavior. If you love and respect yourself, you'll realize that this situation is unhealthy for you both. You don't deserve to be hit, and he needs help in managing his anger. My advice is to end the relationship. You'll find someone better and he may get the help he needs.

coco85

metaoblivia wrote: »

OP,

My father loved his children and wife too. His love wasn't the issue, his temper and violence were.
.

Hi OP,

I also grew up with a father who beat my mother (daily) me (regularly) and my sister (occasionally)

He did love his family-no doubt, be we lived in fear- it started out with him slapping my mom once.... then a second time... she forgave him everytime... then he started hitting my sis and i...

We were almost afraid to say anything in the house in case we inadvertantly ****ed him off...

Afer forgiving too many times my mother -who didn't know what else to do put up with it for years. 1)she loved him dearly 2)the good times were very good (the bad were very bad).. her self esteem was so diminished she could not think for herself, he controlled her.. (she left him four years ago and is a different woman now!:))


My sister had a boyfriend once who hit her once....she did not give him the chance to do it again, he was recently arrested fot hitting a girl outside a nightclub...

Please do not do this to yourself, it builds up gradually- as everyone else says and i agree -by forgiving him not once but twice you are sending out the wrong message. How can you consider a future with someone who has the potential to abuse both you and your possible children?

Take care and be careful if you do go back

SarahMc

Get together, in love, get slapped, breakup
Get together, in love, get slapped, breakup
Get together...

I'm not a mathematician, but even I can see a pattern. Unless something drastic has happened (anger management counselling), it is doomed to repeat itself.

aidan24326

Stay with him if you like, but if he hits you again don't expect much sympathy here. You had two big warnings already.

Get out and stay out would be my advice.

Nevaeh

you dont need anyone to answer it for you, you no already, the first time my ex hit me i was so shocked and yep gave him a chance he didnt do it for a few years again, but he did do it again, things then got worse he started controling me, to make a long story short i wasted 18 years of my life, now i have very few friends and no self esteem......and no one can say if you stay with him it wont turn out like it did for me, (i kicked him out 1 year and 5 months ago ) your life is precious dont waste it.

coco85

Nevaeh wrote: »

you dont need anyone to answer it for you, you no already, the first time my ex hit me i was so shocked and yep gave him a chance he didnt do it for a few years again, but he did do it again, things then got worse he started controling me, to make a long story short i wasted 18 years of my life, now i have very few friends and no self esteem......and no one can say if you stay with him it wont turn out like it did for me, (i kicked him out 1 year and 5 months ago ) your life is precious dont waste it.

Without going off the topic well done Nevaeh, it must have taken a lot of courage on your part to get rid of him. I'm sure you are starting to feel better every day:)

OP... if you do not want to have to build you life back up from scratch after he destroys your confidence, takes you away from your family and friends, reduces your self esteem to shreads then you know that you need to stay away from this man...

These men control everything, initially you will not realise it then little by little it starts....and once the hitting starts once it gets worse and worse the more you allow it to happan and unfortunately you have allowed it to happen before...

I'm no expert on the matter i lived in an abusive house where my father was constantly abusive to my mother, sis and i... after twenty years of seeing what went on its pretty easy spot these patterns.

Without telling you your business please do not go ahead with this relationship...

patrick_micheal

hey nothing agenst this but sometimes women do over step there boundarys way to much to call, and some even hit the man first now if you push over and over again what do you expect to happen.? well thing is as womens rights and the hole equal thing has been pushed up to where it is equal and no amount of crying and playing small hands is going to get people on your side, walk away what are out that in need of some one that does not suite you.

MagicMarker

What a gem:rolleyes:

No one in any relationship under any circumstances deserves to be abused either physically, mentally or emotionally. This includes overstepping any boundaries as you put it.

As for the second half of your post, i couldn't understand a word of it tbh. Being able to form a structured sentence really helps when you're posting online.

Zulu

Pushing boundries has nothing to do with this patrick_micheal. This is about domestic violence.
Domestic violence is wrong.
There is no occasion when it is right.
There is no occasion when it is excusable.

As soon as someone raises a hand to another person (sex is irrelevant) they are wrong and should really be prosecuted.

vorbis

A key point here imo is the extent of the violence on the two occasions. Any violence is wrong but there is a difference between a slap and getting the ****e beaten out of you.

Ultimately, OP it comes down to whether you feel safe and comfortable around him.

barbiegirl

No hitting, ever, Simple as. OP leave you know he will do it again. And Patrick Michael there is no such thing as pushing boundaries to the extent it's ok to hit. Violence on either side is unacceptable.
Whilst I also couldn't understand all Patrick Michael's post, I don't know if slagging him off is constructive.

EcoGirl

vorbis wrote: »

there is a difference between a slap and getting the ****e beaten out of you.

No there isn't. Violence is violence. A slap is totally unacceptable and you can't get any more unacceptable than that.

Awayindahils

Have you ever asked him why? (I in no way condone violence but sometimes hearing the reason came come as a real wakeup call, and can be scary than the actual action.)

One of my friends once got told "because nothing else would get your attention." I think she found the reason more shocking than the action.

It is your choice at the end of the day. It is your future. If you're happy then go for it. Nothing any of us say here is going to change your mind if you have decided that it is what you want to do. If you feel safe, if you feel secure, if you trust that it is not going to happen again. If you know exactly where you have decided where to draw the line in the future. You are putting yourself in a situation which has the potential to become very dangerous. As sad as it sounds you need a contingency plan, if it does all go belly up. You are not going back into a relationship with him expecting everything to be roses. Know in your mind what you are prepared to accept. If necessary write it down early on and if he ever crosses that point then up and leave. You don't want to have to tell your friends you walked into a door. You don't want to be in a situation where you're worried about the safety of your children.

Good Luck OP.

vorbis

EcoGirl wrote: »

No there isn't. Violence is violence. A slap is totally unacceptable and you can't get any more unacceptable than that.

In all fairness there is. I've been beaten up before and gotten a slap another time, there's a difference! What the OP's bf did was very wrong. Only she can decide whether she wants to give it another go. What I meant in my post is that a slap could be something you could possibly forgive and move on from wheras getting beaten up would be "relationship is over forever" territory.