Cranky boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Last night my boyfriend was acting all moody & snapped at me a few times over various things then he left & went out to football & i said i'd wash the dishes & clean up the bedroom as he throws his clothes everywhere while he was gone (because he said he feels depressed living in our apartment cause its so messy).

I did all the dishes apart from leaving two saucepans to steep in soapy water & went to have a shower and when i got out he got home 10mins later so i hadnt started on cleaning to bedroom or the saucepans & he got very annoyed & said i was lazy & never did what i said i would do (it was 10pm at night at this stage)

Then this morning he wouldnt talk to me at all, not a word, and left the apartment without even saying goodbye....

I just dont know how to handle these moods of his? granted they dont happen very often but when they do he just changes into a very moody person.

Beruthiel

I want to get this straight.

He has his clothes in a mess all over the floor and you are cleaning that up?
Because you didn't, he's in a mood?

barbiegirl

Do a list of the work that needs doing in the house, split it equally and if he doesn't do his half, then you need to think about if you can take being with someone who treats you like a servant.
He's being an ass stand up for yourself and stop being a doormat.
If he is depressed, get him into councelling and to the doctor. Break out of your mold, so things together out of the apartment. Talk and communicate. You sound like you're walking on egg shells and that's no healthy.

Kinetic^

Sounds like a bellend.

Why the hell are you doing all the cleaning? If he's depressed about the place being in a mess, why doesn't he clean it?

Don't clean or do anything for a week and see what he does.

eveie

can i ask how long your living together?
also how regulary does he act like this?

as another poster said HE leaves HIS clothes all over the ground and expects you to clean up.
i would not acceptthis behaviour at all, he has no right to treat you like this, he sounds spoilt and his mum probably stil wipped his ass at 22.

my advice tell him your not going to let him order you around and that the house work has to be shared etc etc if this doesnt seem to please him, then dump him, sounds like the start of an abussive relationship

LegacyUser

At the moment we are not talking since last night, he hasnt said a word to me & is making me feel sad. What do I say to him? I dont know how to handle this? I know he hates when i leave things un finished cause usually when he does the dishes or cleans he does it all at once where as i would go back and finish little things... im stumped

Ostrom

notreggg wrote: »

I just dont know how to handle these moods of his? granted they dont happen very often but when they do he just changes into a very moody person.

You dont need to handle his moods, nor should you have to, you didnt do anything. Apart from clean up after him and tend to your home.

Make him do his share, this is not on

Swampy

he sounds like an asshole. Give him some tough love.

I'm with Kenetic all the way.

Wibbs

I'm sorry this is not really on. If he gets the hump this easily what is he going to be like in actual stressful situations. Moodiness* in anyone is a bad sign, but and shoot me down in flames, I consider it a worse trait in a man.

Now we can all be moody at times. It's the nature of things but when it becomes constant, passive aggressive or just plain irritating, something needs to give.

So he's depressed about the way the apartment looks? Well he's surely big and ugly enough to do something about it himself? Doing something together to improve your lives together would of course be the best solution.

You're neither his maid, mother or shrink. So don't be.









*Clearly in cases of depression etc all bets are off.

Grawns

Unbelievable. He is totally in the wrong and you might want to start thinking about whether you're suited in the long run.
My husband is a total slob but I knew that before I married him so I don't let it bug me. I have slob like tendancies myself so I would be unsuited to anyone who cared about a neat house.
Whereas this guy is a slob and expects you to pick up after him :eek: Depression is not an excuse for being an a**hole. Look to his family dynamic and you'll learn a lot.

As for the silent treatment, can you go and stay with friends or family o rsomething for a few days. Remember he's the one making you miserable.

Zillah

This might be a slightly controvertial question, but do you work? Is it the sort of arrangement where he goes out working and pays the bills and you look after the home? If its not then he's being a bizarre tool and you should dump him because thats no way to treat your girlfriend. If, however, you've agreed to be in charge of running the houshold as your contribution this makes a bit more sense.

MJOR

That is totally disrespectful to treat you like that in your own home. It's not your place to pick up after a grown man. He is bandying around the word depressed when i suspect what he means is frustrated.

Tell him to do his fair share... the silent treatment is totally immature and unfair.

Aurora Borealis

Don't let his mood affect your mood. That's where the problem is. When an ex of mine used to get in moods i used to be pulling my hair out trying to figure out what I had done wrong, asking him if he was okay and being a general annoying twat which did neither of us any good. Every one can be moody but just leave him off.

Glowing

Yeah, you should tidy up alright - pile his mess up on his side of the bed and get into your clean side!

Triangle

I love the lynch mob attitude. Everyone here knows very little about this couple and suddenly he's in the wrong and everyones shouting for his head.


Here's an idea folks how about getting all the facts before lynching someone!

A bit more info OP, how does the housework normally get done? Are you saying you do it all or is your BF throwing his toys out because things never get finished? Does he put in his fair share of the work?

If he's behaving irrationally (i.e. doesn't do any housework and is then getting annoyed at the mess, then see all the above comments)

LegacyUser

A bit more info OP, how does the housework normally get done? Are you saying you do it all or is your BF throwing his toys out because things never get finished? Does he put in his fair share of the work?

If he's behaving irrationally (i.e. doesn't do any housework and is then getting annoyed at the mess, then see all the above comments)

---

We both work full time jobs & get home in the evening at the exact same time. He does put in his fair share cook & clean & wash things. He gets upset if his environment is dirty & I dont want it dirty either but we both work very hard 9 hour days, 5 days a week & im sure most young couples apartments arent spotless all the time!?

I have a more relaxed attitude to cleaning than he does & it gets on his nerves, like the way i left the pots steeping in soapy water in the sink cause i was going to wash them later when i got a chance...

Riskymove

notreggg wrote: »

I know he hates when i leave things un finished cause usually when he does the dishes or cleans he does it all at once where as i would go back and finish little things... im stumped

This implies he does actually carry out such chores. As per Triangle, we don't really have the full story and some people are just jumping in. At no point does the OP say that she does all the work and he does nothing or that he expects her to pick up after him or anything to really imply that.

If anything I can see a sugesstion that the boyfriend is actually the one fed up of doing all the tidying/cleaning or at least in his view doing it right, all in one go or whatever.

The OP also says that the boyfriend throws his clothes around...."because he said he feels depressed living in our apartment cause its so messy"

This seems to suggest that as the OP does not tidy up he is making some kind of point by not tidying up himself anymore. a bit childish maybe but I can see how this might happen.

The boyfriend seems to have reached a point where he is royally annoyed by what he percieves as the OP not tidying up or only half doing the job etc.

RedXIV

I can understand how little we know about the housework aspect of the OP's life but i still would be against the moodiness. As said by Wibbs, it's not an attractive trait and it achieves a grand total of nothing.

This i'd address before any of the cleaning issues in the house

LegacyUser

A bit more info OP,

how does the housework normally get done?
==========================================
We both work full time & get home at exactly the same time. I am 21 & only living away from home 1 year so far, and hes 26.
===================================
The housework normally works like if he cooks ill wash up vice versa... & hovering etc is done on wkends... the bedrooms nearly always messy with all his clothes thrown everywhere thou (his one weakness).
=================================================
Are you saying you do it all or is your BF throwing his toys out because things never get finished? Does he put in his fair share of the work?
==========================================
Yes he puts in his fairshare of work, he gets annoyed because i have a habit of leaving pots to steep in soapy water & coming back to them later etc things like that where as he does things straight away...

i am a bit of a procrastinater sometimes but last night i wasnt being one, it was 10pm at night, i needed a shower so i left some pots to do later... i dont know why it made him get so mad?

Nevyn

Sounds like a controling passive agressive child.
Why would you want to live with someone like that ?

LouOB

Sounds like he could of been taking his anger out on you
Did he have bad day work?

Now Im abit of a monica with regards to cleaning

WilmaRidesAgain

Is it possible he has obsessive compulsive disorder.......it does seem unusual for someone to get so bent out of shape about a few pots......

Kazobel

Does he call you "mummy"? tell him to f*ck off and do his own fair share, you're not his slave and him p!ssing off to watch football (I assume in a pub) while you get on with your "housewife" duties is not on. If he has such an issue with the state of your apartment then give him a f*cking mop. Keep putting up with that crap and you'll just end up taking over where his mammy left off.

Grawns

As I said before maybe you're just not suited... you've got a relaxed attitude to cleaning which annoys him. Do you want to change ( and become all domesticated and super clean for him) because he's not going to.

John Mason

Okay, so his does his fair share of everything but you never ACTUALLY finish anything you start.

That would drive me nuts tbh. Why would you leave the saucepans steeping in water? would it not be just easier to do all the dishes and then have your shower.

i have to say if i was living with someone who only half does things, i would be bloody annoyed

you and your bf need to sit down and talk about your different attitudes to house work and come to some sort of agreement

madser

How old is this arsehole 10, sounds like he's used to you picking up after him, let him clean up his own clothes the insensitive d1ck head:(

Riskymove

irishbird wrote: »

you and your bf need to sit down and talk about your different attitudes to house work and come to some sort of agreement

+1

I dont think you need OCD in order to not like dirty dishes lying around

nor does the boyfriend seem to be controlling the OP

some of the comments are a bit OTT particularly as the OP has clarified that the boyfriend does do cleaning around the house.

basically the two of them need to come to some terms

Lothaar

To play devil's advocate here... I'm similar to the OP, and my missus would sometimes get on my case because I procrastinate about the housework and sometimes leave things unfinished or... 'tidy enough' rather than perfect.

Some of the housework I do would involve cleaning up a mess that she created, or...say... making lunch for her for the next day. TBH it doesn't matter that it's 'her mess', as she will clean up other messes that I created.

I understand where she's coming from when she gets annoyed with me. She gets extra p1ssed off when I stack the dishwasher, but leave one pot out... for whatever reason. Basically, I'm not finishing the job I said I would do.

I don't have all the info, but in defence of the OPs SO, they could be in a similar situation. We're only getting one side of the story here. Before you burn the poor guy at the stake, you need to look at it from his point of view (which hasn't been given on this thread so far).

I know from experience how a little thing can provoke a seemingly over-the-top reaction. I'm guilty of reacting like this sometimes myself. Thing is... it's not just that one little thing, it's the culmination of little things that have gone on for weeks/months/years.

I'm hypothesising here but maybe that incident the other night was the straw that broke the camel's back, and the OP's bf was taking a year's worth of frustration out on her.

If so - communication is the only way. I suggest you sit down and discuss it. OP, you may have to stop procrastinating so much. This isn't necessarily about him expecting you to clean up after him all the time. Sit down and discuss it, agree in advance that neither of you will let the discussion escalate into an argument, and ensure that you BOTH follow-up on any action you decide upon.

meglome

He's obviously doing his share of the cleaning but this does not mean his way of doing it is the only way. I'd be very much like the OP in how I'd approach the cleaning. Our house growing up was always a little messy and it's what I'm used to. Cleaning needs to be done but personally I'm not going to get that excitable about something that minor in the grand scheme of things. He is controlling as he expects things done how he'd like them but the OP's way is just as valid.

Actually my friends brother was always super anal (at least to me) about cleaning and organising. If you even moved a DVD on a shelf he'd notice it and move it back (seemed funny to do this to him). But I met him recently and he was telling me his girlfriend is even worse than him. I just thought to myself I would hate to even go into that house.

MJOR

a chat and a cleaning rota as well as setting the boundaries about moodyiness should solve it. My OH loves to sit down and leave the dishes til later whereas I like them done and off the table,table wiped etc straight away therefore I do it. So if he wants his clothes picked up let him do it.

AngryBadger

OP I think the cleaning is just symptom of some other problem here. I can understand your bf liking the place to be clean, but I can also understand your approach to it, sounds similar to my own in that while I don't leave a daily mess around me (wash as I go kind of thing), I'm often quite happy to leave slightly bigger jobs (like hoovering my room, sorting clothes etc) until I have time to do them. Whereas your bf seems to be the complete opposite.

How long are ye living together? If this is only suddenly becoming an issue I'd begin to wonder. How long are ye together as a couple?

From what you describe I can't reconcile a bit of cleaning left undone because you were BOTH home late, and your bf throwing what amounts to a childish strop.

If he regularly does his share of the cleaning then why didn't he clean it up himself since it apparently bothered him so much?

Also, somewhat unrelated, but if you're both working 9 hour days why were you not home until 10pm? Just wondering if you're commuting a lot or what.

Anyway, I think there's some other problem here, maybe your bf IS depressed, maybe the pressure of commuting (if ye comute) is starting to show, or something. Otherwise your bf needs a kick up the arse.

cute_cow

his name is not robert is it? sounds like a guy i know!

I'd let him come home to his stuff in the garden and feck him. No one should put up with that ****e at all.

Childish behaviour really annots me and I wouldn't stand for it.

Sugar Drunk

I can see both sides of it and a few people have said it would annoy them if things were left unfinished which is fair enough. Some people have a more relaxed attitude to house work than others. Im a bit more fussy than my BF with somethings he is more fussy with others. We work around it - I do the things that it bugs me not being done and he does his etc

however what bothers me about this thread is that it is utterly pathetic that he has not spoken to her since last night because of it!!:eek: jesus if this is how he reacts because two pots were left steeping god help the OP if they have a real problem. If my BF didnt speak to me for something this trivial I could not cope living with him

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote: »

How long are ye living together? If this is only suddenly becoming an issue I'd begin to wonder. How long are ye together as a couple?

Also, somewhat unrelated, but if you're both working 9 hour days why were you not home until 10pm? Just wondering if you're commuting a lot or what.

Anyway, I think there's some other problem here, maybe your bf IS depressed, maybe the pressure of commuting (if ye comute) is starting to show, or something. Otherwise your bf needs a kick up the arse.

We have lived together since September 2007, and been together since May 2007.

I think there was a mistake in my post, we both get home around 6pm but my boyfriend had soccer practice & went out & came back after 10pm.

I agree with sugar it is pathetic that he wouldnt even talk to me this morning & left without saying goodbye