Horrible housemate, what should i do?

farreller24

Im currently living with a girl who I went to college with and work with. We only became friendly in 4th year of college, and worked together for 5months before moving in together with one other girl.She is becoming impossible to live with. When we moved in first, i was single but have since got back with my boyfriend. He and she used to get on well. She is absolutely desperate for a boyfriend and talks of nothing else. My boyfriend stays over 3 maybe 4 times a week, rarely at weekends, an she appears to have a problem with this. She was a complete bitch to me for weeks until I confronted her about it.She says he is in the house too much. I would like to point out, that he does not use any of the common living areas except the bathroom maybe (for the loo!) and the rest of the time we hang out in my room watching tv etc. We do this because I don't want the 2 girls to feel uncomfortable in the living area or to hog the tv on them etc also they are in and out every 5 mins for a smoke (me and boyfriend are nonsmokers) and the place still stinks of smoke because they leave the sliding door open. Anyway I can't really understand the problem because he doesn't get in her way, and he uses none of the facilities in the house so it doen't impact on bills etc. Personally I believe she is a bit jealous of the fact I have a boyfriend and she practically said as much to me (although she now denies saying it!) Anyway the other housemate is moving out, and she has the biggest room, i offered to my friend but she said she was happy with her room, so i then said that i would take it, and then she threw a tantrum practically saying that she did want it afterall, so we tossed a coin and i won, now she is going around sulking. She also keeps arranging for people to come and view my current room (as we have to rent that one out now) without consulting me or asking if I will even be there!!I asked her to consult me before she made apts with people for viewings (as i consult her) and she was so aggressive that it almost turned into a row. She is constantly bitching about me to people in work and our other housemate(who is moving out). The atmosphere in the house is ridiculous. She is completely unwilling to sort things out and I have tried many times while she makes NO effort. She is 2 years younger than me and completely immature.

My problem is, I can't find another room to rent that is as nice/cheap/has parking/near to work etc so my options are to move home to my mams and commute 4 hrs (2 each way) to work every day ( I would save on rent but still have to shell out a bit for petrol), OR to stay in the house with the hope that we get a nice new housemate to change the dynamic in the house, or until my nasty housemate moves out.

Anyone any sugestions on anything to do with the situation??

mags16

IMO, 3 or 4 nights a week is excessive. Can' t you go to his place? Even if he is not in the living room, he is in the house and that means he is using utilities, be it heat or hot water or breakfast etc. I share a house and am pretty careful that my bf isn't around too much.

Ronaldo2

Are you still working with her, if so its in your interest to sort things out. Does your boyfriend have his own place, maybe ye could spend a few nights at his place. From experience having the OH over for four nights a week is always going to piss off house mates regardless of whether ye are parked in front of tv or in your room. Is there any chance she might move out?

DenMan

Hi OP

It is a very unfortunate situation for you to be in. To be honest I believe it could be a lot of factors concerning her attitude. The most obvious would be jealousy. I don't think that is the case, a hint maybe. I think it could be frustration. You did say she was having problems at work and you did say she she needs a bf in her life. This is just her way of dealing with her own issues, by taking them out on you. Seeing you with your bf probably doesn't make her feel any better.

I know it may seem out of the blue but if the situation does not improve are there alternative options you could do, maybe rent with your bf close by to where you are currently at. She does know he has been spending a bit of time in your house and might make the situation as difficult as she possibly can for the both of you. That was very bad of her to have people come in and look around your room when you are still residing there. I hope she didn't do it on purpose but I think she may have. Maybe you should all arrange a night out for yourselves. It will allow you all to get to know each other outside of the house and she might meet someone herself. In the mean time why not pick up the paper or browse the sites looking for alternatives, I am sure there would be plenty close to where you are. I hope it all works out for you.

farreller24

No mags he doesn't use utilities in that i don't use any extra heat/electricity etc when he is there than i would when i am there on my own. He doesn't use the bathroom except to go to the loo obviously, and he never even goes into the other rooms in the house. Most weeks he is there 3 nites, some weeks its 2 or an odd week it might be 4, 1 out of every 3 weeks he is not there at all though.

farreller24

Ronaldo2 wrote: »

Are you still working with her, if so its in your interest to sort things out. Does your boyfriend have his own place, maybe ye could spend a few nights at his place. From experience having the OH over for four nights a week is always going to piss off house mates regardless of whether ye are parked in front of tv or in your room. Is there any chance she might move out?

Im hoping she will move out or else i will have to we certainly cant go on as we are.My boyfriends place is 2 hours away so i spend weekends there so we are not in my place all the time. its too far to go and stay during the week. I have tried to sort things out on numerous occasions - she says she is ok and things are sorted but she then continues to be a complete bitch. im upset that are friendship has deteriorated so much and because we work together also but I really can't see how this has turned into such a big problem. I even offered to have the BF there less and she said ok so he is there a bit less but still she is nasty. I really do feel there is a jealousy factor involved, she practically said as much to me. Why is it that having him in my room (my own personal space) would piss her off?? I cant understand......:mad:

Fysh

Do you call over to his place as often as he calls over to yours? I know it might seem irrelevant, but it's one of those somewhat awkward things when sharing a house. Some people will be cool with bf/gfs staying over regularly, others won't (I've had similar issues with people in the past). On the one hand, it's your room and your partner so why not. But on the other hand, even if you never hang out in the communal areas in the house, it's the sort of thing that does change the atmosphere in a place - it might come across as you not wanting to hang out with the other two because you think they're not good enough for you, for example.

There's no cut and dried line between what is and isn't acceptable (unless it's specified by your landlord in your tenancy agreement) so your best bet is to sit down and try to talk things through. Try to get her to tell you what she is or isn't happy with in the house, ask her if she has a problem with your fella staying over regularly and see if she has any ideas for a compromise. It sounds like at the moment both of you are chiefly focused on what you want yourselves.

mags16

I am just trying to see it from your flat mate's point of view. If my flatmate had a partner over 4 nights in one week without being asked, I would be pretty peeved. In my situation, my OH stays one or two nights a week but not every week.

My point with the utilities is that if you normally divide the gas bill in two, she is subsidising your bf's heating needs if he is there half of the time. Essentally there are more than 2 people living in the house.

If she had a bf who was staying over, it would be different. There would be more equality in your living arrangements.

I sympathise with you both. My advice would be to try and talk to each other calmly about it and come to some resolution that you are both happy with.

Or go your separate ways.

tobiesheba

Maybe your friend moved in with you because she really liked your company and thought that she would get to spend more time with somebody she really likes. But now she is being left to her own devices most evenings as you're cooped up in your bedroom with your boyfriend. And even if he's not in her face she still knows he's there and may possibly be wondering if ye are waiting for her to leave the common areas so ye can use them.

On a separate note I've always found that it's really hard to live with people and then spend you're full working day with them. If you're spending home and work time with somebody they are bound to irritate you at some stage. Even married couples rarely do it!

Grawns

Stop having your bf over so much or get a place together. I don't think you're being fair to the girl.

Tails142

mags16 wrote: »

My point with the utilities is that if you normally divide the gas bill in two, she is subsidising your bf's heating needs if he is there half of the time. Essentally there are more than 2 people living in the house.

How does being in a house USE more heat?

If anything it makes the house warmer without using up gas.

I doubt he goes around turning on all the heaters, setting more hours onto the boiler timer LOL

maybe he keeps the lightbulb on in the room when you leave it? what is it a 100W lightbult, 1kWHr is 14 cents SO make sure you boyfriend gives 14 cent into the house kitty for every 10 hours he sits in the room alone when he's in your house!!!

MagicMarker

Personally, i would mind if i were in her situation, seeing as you are both in your room.

But that's besides the point, it's her house too and she has a problem with it so you need to respect her wishes.

She may be immature about the whole thing but you're not exactly acting like the grown up yourself because you're just ignoring her.

A compromise is needed, either you talk to her and discuss what is acceptable regarding how many nights guests are allowed stay, and this would be a household rule, not just for you.

Or you can just start staying at your bf's more, or you can just move out and get a place with your bf.

zAbbo

Who's the lease holder?

3-4 nights is excessive, did you explain this when you moving in? did your housemates agree to having friends over that often?

There's obvious resentment, but you seem to think all the problems are your house mates fault, and she probably thinks the same.

anotherlostie

There is no way I would be happy with a flatmate having their other half over that much during a week.

You say he uses no utilities. If he stays over 3-4 nights per week and lives 2hrs away, does he not use the shower in the mornings? Do you never cook him anything?

I would totally sympathise with your 'bitch' of a friend.

farreller24

zAbbo wrote: »

Who's the lease holder?

3-4 nights is excessive, did you explain this when you moving in? did your housemates agree to having friends over that often?

There's obvious resentment, but you seem to think all the problems are your house mates fault, and she probably thinks the same.

Well i have to clarify most weeks its probably 3 nights and sometimes it may be 2 or a very odd time 4 max. There is no set agreement with having people over but they don't ask my permission when they have houseguests, on two or more occasions they have had houseguests stay for a week/two weeks at a time, sleeping in our living room, and using all facilities without consulting anyone.

Also i don't think its all her fault, i have gone to her twice (as she will not come to me instead she ignores me and is horrible) and tried to compromise with her, i never used to have the bf over so much, used 2 be maybe 2 nights and he might call for an hour r two another night and not stay but because she started being nasty and ignoring me (and i didnt know why at that point) i started having him there an extra night . i did agree with her to have him there less and most weeks now its just 2 nights max 3, she agreed to this but i thought it was sorted but she is still frosty with me - we have also had a few disagreements on the back of the frostiness- but i feel she is doing things now to purposely annoy me, and i mean i have begged her to sort it out but she just point blank refuses though. it seems as though she just wants an excuse to be mad at me. i genuinley have tried so hard to sort it out, im really upset about it. i agree we are both at fault and the situation is escalating because she is unwilling to sort it out, but it is she who is unwilling to admit any wrongdoing on her part and she is bringing it into work which i just believe is immature. I did think that the only solution was for someone to move out, and now thanks to everyones opinions/suggestions it would seem that is indeed the only solution. I do however believe that she doesn't want to sort it out for other issues that she has herself. Anyway thanks a mill.

farreller24

anotherlostie wrote: »

There is no way I would be happy with a flatmate having their other half over that much during a week.

You say he uses no utilities. If he stays over 3-4 nights per week and lives 2hrs away, does he not use the shower in the mornings? Do you never cook him anything?

I would totally sympathise with your 'bitch' of a friend.

I don't agree with ur use of the term bitch (and no he showers/eats in work) she is not a bitch, but she is acting like one in that she obviously wants me not to have him there at all, but she herself has many random houseguests so obviously i am not going to stop having him over - that would be the other extreme. Its more how she is handling the matter that annoys me because i have tried on a few occasions to sit down with her and sort it out but she refuses to discuss it or she turns it into a row and starts shouting at me, like i want to sort it out and I have stopped having him over quite so much out of consideration for her and genuinely would do anything within reason to sort it out. We agreed i would have him there less and she was happy with that but i have upheld my end of the bargain while she is still frosty with me and i think if she had a bf herself (cos she is desperate for one (her words)) that she wouldnt mind him being there Hes only there now 2 nites a week (3 the very odd time) and i stay with him or he just doesnt call over the other nites. I think there is a wee bit of jealousy in play.

farreller24

anotherlostie wrote: »

There is no way I would be happy with a flatmate having their other half over that much during a week.

You say he uses no utilities. If he stays over 3-4 nights per week and lives 2hrs away, does he not use the shower in the mornings? Do you never cook him anything?

I would totally sympathise with your 'bitch' of a friend.

Grawns wrote: »

Stop having your bf over so much or get a place together. I don't think you're being fair to the girl.

I just want to add that my other housemate has no problem with bf staying over whenever, i wasn't friends with her before living together so i think there is a personal issue at play.

farreller24

DenMan wrote: »

Hi OP

It is a very unfortunate situation for you to be in. To be honest I believe it could be a lot of factors concerning her attitude. The most obvious would be jealousy. I don't think that is the case, a hint maybe. I think it could be frustration. You did say she was having problems at work and you did say she she needs a bf in her life. This is just her way of dealing with her own issues, by taking them out on you. Seeing you with your bf probably doesn't make her feel any better.

I know it may seem out of the blue but if the situation does not improve are there alternative options you could do, maybe rent with your bf close by to where you are currently at. She does know he has been spending a bit of time in your house and might make the situation as difficult as she possibly can for the both of you. That was very bad of her to have people come in and look around your room when you are still residing there. I hope she didn't do it on purpose but I think she may have. Maybe you should all arrange a night out for yourselves. It will allow you all to get to know each other outside of the house and she might meet someone herself. In the mean time why not pick up the paper or browse the sites looking for alternatives, I am sure there would be plenty close to where you are. I hope it all works out for you.

we have tried the nite out but to no avail. she is doing things to purposely annoy me. I have tried to sort it out and am bending over backwards but she seems to be holding a grudge or something. I really do believe she is a bit jealous. She is quite a competitive person and always wants to be better and have more than everyone else (others will tell you this too) and i recently got a new car, am very happy with my boyfriend and on a recent nite out she said to friends that she always thinks she looks well when we are going out but then she has to go out with "that" meaning me, and she feels crap because i look well.......jealousy no?

workaccount

farreller24 wrote: »

Well i have to clarify most weeks its probably 3 nights and sometimes it may be 2 or a very odd time 4 max. There is no set agreement with having people over but they don't ask my permission when they have houseguests, on two or more occasions they have had houseguests stay for a week/two weeks at a time, sleeping in our living room, and using all facilities without consulting anyone.

Also i don't think its all her fault, i have gone to her twice (as she will not come to me instead she ignores me and is horrible) and tried to compromise with her, i never used to have the bf over so much, used 2 be maybe 2 nights and he might call for an hour r two another night and not stay but because she started being nasty and ignoring me (and i didnt know why at that point) i started having him there an extra night . i did agree with her to have him there less and most weeks now its just 2 nights max 3, she agreed to this but i thought it was sorted but she is still frosty with me - we have also had a few disagreements on the back of the frostiness- but i feel she is doing things now to purposely annoy me, and i mean i have begged her to sort it out but she just point blank refuses though. it seems as though she just wants an excuse to be mad at me. i genuinley have tried so hard to sort it out, im really upset about it. i agree we are both at fault and the situation is escalating because she is unwilling to sort it out, but it is she who is unwilling to admit any wrongdoing on her part and she is bringing it into work which i just believe is immature. I did think that the only solution was for someone to move out, and now thanks to everyones opinions/suggestions it would seem that is indeed the only solution. I do however believe that she doesn't want to sort it out for other issues that she has herself. Anyway thanks a mill.

farreller24 wrote: »

I don't agree with ur use of the term bitch (and no he showers/eats in work) she is not a bitch, but she is acting like one in that she obviously wants me not to have him there at all, but she herself has many random houseguests so obviously i am not going to stop having him over - that would be the other extreme. Its more how she is handling the matter that annoys me because i have tried on a few occasions to sit down with her and sort it out but she refuses to discuss it or she turns it into a row and starts shouting at me, like i want to sort it out and I have stopped having him over quite so much out of consideration for her and genuinely would do anything within reason to sort it out. We agreed i would have him there less and she was happy with that but i have upheld my end of the bargain while she is still frosty with me and i think if she had a bf herself (cos she is desperate for one (her words)) that she wouldnt mind him being there Hes only there now 2 nites a week (3 the very odd time) and i stay with him or he just doesnt call over the other nites. I think there is a wee bit of jealousy in play.

farreller24 wrote: »

I just want to add that my other housemate has no problem with bf staying over whenever, i wasn't friends with her before living together so i think there is a personal issue at play.

You say it's 3 nights usually, 4 max.
And then 2 nights usually, 3 max.

Which one is it? 3 nights is far too much out of 5. Would really piss me off.

It doesn't matter that the other housemate did not have issue with your bf staying over tbh.

You say the conversations you sat down with her to have digressed into shouting...why did she start shouting?

LadyE

I think you are being totally unreasonable..this is not solely your house..its hers too.

And why do you keep insisting she is jealous???

Stop being so petty and have some consideration to your housemate and limit the times your boyfriend is over!

coco85

Utilities???.. talk about being stingy- he obviously uses no more heat/gas/esb then any random house guest who would call over for a cuppa and a chat!..

The big point ppl seem to be missing is that the 'bitch' of a housemate showed the op's room to strangers without permission- girl get a lock and bolt your door shut if it means keepin that girl outta your room.That is invasion of privacy and you need to ensure she cannot take liberties like that!!!

As for you and your boyfriend.. when i lived on campus in college a guy in our house moved his girlfriend in permanately- b/cos it was on campus there was not an issue with bills but instead of having 6 ppl share an apt there were 7 of us!!.. we generally didn't mind except when trying to sleep at night and they were being noisey in the bedroom if you get my drift...

So what i'm saying is if you are noisey in bed then she has a case, but if ye are discrete then there should not be a prob once he doesn't hog the tv, use up all the electricity supply to the house, eat anyones food etc!!!!

Take care and buy that lock for your bedroom!:)

workaccount

coco85 wrote: »

Utilities???.. talk about being stingy- he obviously uses no more heat/gas/esb then any random house guest who would call over for a cuppa and a chat!..

The big point ppl seem to be missing is that the 'bitch' of a housemate showed the op's room to strangers without permission- girl get a lock and bolt your door shut if it means keepin that girl outta your room.That is invasion of privacy and you need to ensure she cannot take liberties like that!!!

As for you and your boyfriend.. when i lived on campus in college a guy in our house moved his girlfriend in permanately- b/cos it was on campus there was not an issue with bills but instead of having 6 ppl share an apt there were 7 of us!!.. we generally didn't mind except when trying to sleep at night and they were being noisey in the bedroom if you get my drift...

So what i'm saying is if you are noisey in bed then she has a case, but if ye are discrete then there should not be a prob once he doesn't hog the tv, use up all the electricity supply to the house, eat anyones food etc!!!!

Take care and buy that lock for your bedroom!:)

In your opinion????


Obviously not the opinion of her housemate :eek:


I'm not so sure about this letting someone into your room business. If there's a potential housemate coming to look at moving into a room you show them the room. If the rooms up for let it's up for let. Why don't you move into your new room and get out of the damn room that's up for rent.

coco85

workaccount wrote: »

In your opinion????


Obviously not the opinion of her housemate :eek:

Right ok, in my opinion .. i just dont see the harm in it, but i do see harm in invading someones privacy!...

FabulousGirl

farreller24 wrote: »

Im currently living with a girl who I went to college with and work with. We only became friendly in 4th year of college, and worked together for 5months before moving in together with one other girl.She is becoming impossible to live with. When we moved in first, i was single but have since got back with my boyfriend. He and she used to get on well. She is absolutely desperate for a boyfriend and talks of nothing else. My boyfriend stays over 3 maybe 4 times a week, rarely at weekends, an she appears to have a problem with this. She was a complete bitch to me for weeks until I confronted her about it.She says he is in the house too much. I would like to point out, that he does not use any of the common living areas except the bathroom maybe (for the loo!) and the rest of the time we hang out in my room watching tv etc. We do this because I don't want the 2 girls to feel uncomfortable in the living area or to hog the tv on them etc also they are in and out every 5 mins for a smoke (me and boyfriend are nonsmokers) and the place still stinks of smoke because they leave the sliding door open. Anyway I can't really understand the problem because he doesn't get in her way, and he uses none of the facilities in the house so it doen't impact on bills etc. Personally I believe she is a bit jealous of the fact I have a boyfriend and she practically said as much to me (although she now denies saying it!) Anyway the other housemate is moving out, and she has the biggest room, i offered to my friend but she said she was happy with her room, so i then said that i would take it, and then she threw a tantrum practically saying that she did want it afterall, so we tossed a coin and i won, now she is going around sulking. She also keeps arranging for people to come and view my current room (as we have to rent that one out now) without consulting me or asking if I will even be there!!I asked her to consult me before she made apts with people for viewings (as i consult her) and she was so aggressive that it almost turned into a row. She is constantly bitching about me to people in work and our other housemate(who is moving out). The atmosphere in the house is ridiculous. She is completely unwilling to sort things out and I have tried many times while she makes NO effort. She is 2 years younger than me and completely immature.

My problem is, I can't find another room to rent that is as nice/cheap/has parking/near to work etc so my options are to move home to my mams and commute 4 hrs (2 each way) to work every day ( I would save on rent but still have to shell out a bit for petrol), OR to stay in the house with the hope that we get a nice new housemate to change the dynamic in the house, or until my nasty housemate moves out.

Anyone any sugestions on anything to do with the situation??

If I were you I'd just move out and rent a place with my boyfriend. Between the two of you I'm sure you could find somewhere that is reasonable and in a good location for commuting.

Fysh

farreller24 wrote: »

we have tried the nite out but to no avail. she is doing things to purposely annoy me. I have tried to sort it out and am bending over backwards but she seems to be holding a grudge or something. I really do believe she is a bit jealous. She is quite a competitive person and always wants to be better and have more than everyone else (others will tell you this too) and i recently got a new car, am very happy with my boyfriend and on a recent nite out she said to friends that she always thinks she looks well when we are going out but then she has to go out with "that" meaning me, and she feels crap because i look well.......jealousy no?

TBH this post in particular makes me think that on some level you want this to be down to a rivalry between the two of ye.

One of the crummy things about sharing a house is the communal aspect of everything, and the way that you can't do things your own way all the time. Frankly, it wouldn't matter if this girl openly said that her objection to you having your boyfriend over more than 2 nights a week was down to her belief that it would interfere in the lunar cycle - she's a tenant in the house and has a right to have her wishes respected, regardless of whether you agree with them. Don't like it? Get a place of your own.

Now this should cut both ways with things like guests visiting for several days, etc, but most of the time it's the little things that happen regularly which will cause tension. You're the only one who can know whether it's worth trying to talk to this girl again. So you've got a pretty simple decision with some big consequences - talk to her and find a compromise of some sort that allows ye to live together again, or move out.

It hardly needs mentioning that you're extremely unlikely to get this girl to suddenly cop to deliberately being a bitch to you and being unreasonable, then promise to mend her ways. Hell, she may well think that you're being a bitch.

Overheal

if hes staying over 3-4 nights a week, why doesnt he just move in? Right now its just you and 1 other girl paying the rent, why cant you and your boyfriend just find a place? a cheaper place? a 1 bedroom place?

Grawns

You should stop being horrible to your housemate.

cute_cow

Overheal wrote: »

if hes staying over 3-4 nights a week, why doesnt he just move in? Right now its just you and 1 other girl paying the rent, why cant you and your boyfriend just find a place? a cheaper place? a 1 bedroom place?

This seems to be the main reason, our house mate of probably peeved off that he is staying on average of 50% of the week and not paying rent. If it was supposed to be two of you, maybe ask her if she was to move in, and slpit the rent 3 ways? This might help?

farreller24

workaccount wrote: »

You say it's 3 nights usually, 4 max.
And then 2 nights usually, 3 max.

Which one is it? 3 nights is far too much out of 5. Would really piss me off.

It doesn't matter that the other housemate did not have issue with your bf staying over tbh.

You say the conversations you sat down with her to have digressed into shouting...why did she start shouting?

Well this has been goin on for about 8 weeks and in the last few weeks since i first approached it has gone back 2 2 r 3 nites as opposed to 3 r 4.

I was trying to point out that i think there is another reason for the girls behaviour as my other housemate doesnt have any problem with it, but I wasn't friends with her and didnt know her before moving in so we have a different relationship.

Also I don't know why she started shouting and getting aggressive, i was offering her all sorts of compromises in an effort to sort it out and for us to go back to being friends but it was as though she wants to havesome sort of grievance with me, an excuse as such to be mean to me.

I do sort of understand if he's there all the time its not fair but surely Im not meant to stop having him over altogether, i think 2 nights would be fair for both sides maybe?? but even though I am trying to make amends she is still being off with me....which i think again points to her having some other problem.....

G86

I don't think its excessive, but you probably should have tried to suss out how she felt about it beforehand. Either way if shes not happy then the only thing you can do is get a new place.

As for showing people your room without your say so - thats not on.

farreller24

LadyE wrote: »

I think you are being totally unreasonable..this is not solely your house..its hers too.

And why do you keep insisting she is jealous???

Stop being so petty and have some consideration to your housemate and limit the times your boyfriend is over!

I have tried to be considerate and have tried to come to a compromise with her, and have recently reduced the nights he is there to 2 in the last few weeks one week it was 3 (but he came in after they were in bed and left before they were up). My point is she is unwilling to compromise, and she won't sit down and talk it over calmly, its hard to compromise when someone wont tell you what they want - how are you meant to meet in the middle?

Also yes we both live there but she seems to want to have it all her own way ( and may i point out also that she herself brings home random and v noisy "guests" on numerous occasions and once for a week) and for me not to have him there at all.....surely that is not fair either? I am perfectly willing to compromise because i wouldn't purposely continue doing something i know is upsetting someone else.

As regards the jealousy, i suppose it's hard to explain that one but others have made comments in this light, and she is a jealous type of person who likes to make others jealous by getting everything bigger and better and before the next person. That is not my opinion either that is fact and something our communal group of college friends tease her about all the time. The reason i think there is a wee bit of jealousy is that she actually said to me "imagine how you would feel if you didnt have a boyfriend and i did?"

farreller24

G86 wrote: »

I don't think its excessive, but you probably should have tried to suss out how she felt about it beforehand. Either way if shes not happy then the only thing you can do is get a new place.

As for showing people your room without your say so - thats not on.

yes you're right i think we both need to just not live with one another. You see we were such good friends beforehand, and she always got on very well with BF so i suppose i didnt envisage it being a problem. Alsoi did ask them when the bf started staying over if they minded or had any problem.........they both said they liked having him there! and im glad peole seem to agree about the room thing, when i said to her (so nicely) would she mind just running it by me first so that i can have the room tidy and personal things put away out of sight she was very defensive, but i know she knows its not nice to do it, she's just looking for a way to piss me off.defo gona have to jus move out me thinks!
Thanks for your opinion!

Tails142

I just simply can't believe the reaction this thread is getting.

Some people are saying that as the other housemate is a tennant her rights have to be respected.

The OP is a tennant too so why shouldn't her rights of having her boyfriend stay over be taken away. If its not disrupting the other housemates, and the OP has given us no indication that it really is then I cant see any reason for the other housemates to complain.

Someone else said that the OPs boyfriend should pay rent if he's staying over so much, you rent ROOMS in a house, why would the boyfriend pay the same rent as everyone else in the house when he only SHARES a room with his gf 3 or 4 nights a week. If anything he should be paying some money to the girlfriend to pay for her share of the rent but not subsidising her housemates.

If I was you OP I'd just tell your housemate to f*ck off and cop on.

The_Conductor

Living with someone- regardless of how good a friend you were with them beforehand, will always bring things to the fore that you may not have noticed, or minded beforehand. I'm not suggesting that there is a right person and a wrong person here- if you can't even sit down and talk, then you have reached the point where you should really be looking for separate accommodation, whether you like it or not. Personally- I'd not be happy if a housemate had a partner who was over on a regular basis. Over in the accommodation/property forum- this has been discussed on previous occasions, there has always been a sharp difference of opinion on the matter- the only point of concensus being if someone is over to the extent that you cannot assume they are not there (3-4 nights a week would appear to meet this criteria) that perhaps they really should be making a contribution towards the running costs of the place.

There are different ways of doing this- 200 per person + 200 for a single room or 300 for a double room + 75 if there is an en-suite + 100 if they're using a parking space etc- you get the picture. If the partner was only in your room- it would be the 200 extra........ Victor did a really good document up a while back- which he called "The equitable houseshare"- link here

It really is at the stage though where one or the other of you should start looking for alternate accommodation though- imo.

It is not a reasonable assumption that you can automatically have a boyfriend/girlfriend over several nights a week. If you intend to do this- get a place together- as you are defacto living with one another..........

nomorebadtown

Am i missing something? Why are so many posters giving the OP a hard time?
So lets say she limits her bf to two or three visits a week...wtf is the problem

He doesn't increase bills, eat their food or take up communal living space. In fact I don't see how he is impacting on the housemate's life at all (unless the OP is a screamer...) If the bf was being a slob all over the house, stealing food, hogging the remote and swinging from the rafters then i'd totally sympathise but to me the OPs living arrangements seem perfectly acceptalbe.

Change the atmosphere in the house because the OP and her bf are in her room? GTFOver it! The OP is not in the house to entertain and pander to this housemate. I understand that this girl has some problem with the OP's bf being there and as its her house too, the OP must respect her wishes...but the OP has compromised and now has her bf over less often so its time for this girl to cop on and meet the OP in the middle. It is the OP's house just as much as this girl's and the OP is entitled to have a quiet unintrusive guest in her room a few times a week no problem. You can bet that when this girl bags a man, she will have him over when she likes.

As for this girl not telling the OP when she is showing the OP's room to potential new housemates - bang out of order. OP, as someone else said above, lock your room.

OP you seem very worried that this person is being frosty, aggressive, defensive and bitchy about you in work. clearly you are no longer friends. You need to be calm but firm and tell her that

1. she is being totally unreasonalbe
2. you have modified your behaviour and that is how it is staying
3. she needs to cop herself on and be civil if she wants to stay friends
4. she better tell you when she is showing the room

maybe i'm just a very easy going person to share a house with but if a housemate of mine has guests, as long as they - keep the place clean, don't impact on my home life much, pay for whatever they use and keep the noise down, i really couldn't care less.

farreller24

smccarrick wrote: »

Living with someone- regardless of how good a friend you were with them beforehand, will always bring things to the fore that you may not have noticed, or minded beforehand. I'm not suggesting that there is a right person and a wrong person here- if you can't even sit down and talk, then you have reached the point where you should really be looking for separate accommodation, whether you like it or not. Personally- I'd not be happy if a housemate had a partner who was over on a regular basis. Over in the accommodation/property forum- this has been discussed on previous occasions, there has always been a sharp difference of opinion on the matter- the only point of concensus being if someone is over to the extent that you cannot assume they are not there (3-4 nights a week would appear to meet this criteria) that perhaps they really should be making a contribution towards the running costs of the place.

There are different ways of doing this- 200 per person + 200 for a single room or 300 for a double room + 75 if there is an en-suite + 100 if they're using a parking space etc- you get the picture. If the partner was only in your room- it would be the 200 extra........ Victor did a really good document up a while back- which he called "The equitable houseshare"- link here

It really is at the stage though where one or the other of you should start looking for alternate accommodation though- imo.

It is not a reasonable assumption that you can automatically have a boyfriend/girlfriend over several nights a week. If you intend to do this- get a place together- as you are defacto living with one another..........

As we are both new to house sharing ( having both previously lived at home) we don't have any rules drawn up or anything and of course there is another girl in the house too. I appreciate your idea of the BF contributing toward running of house-he is amenable to this idea as am i and i am going to put this to my housemate, good idea! also he would then have a bit more freedom in that he could feel ok about using the kitchen for a cuppa or the shower/hot water etc. Thanks for the constructive comment!

farreller24

Tails142 wrote: »

I just simply can't believe the reaction this thread is getting.

Some people are saying that as the other housemate is a tennant her rights have to be respected.

The OP is a tennant too so why shouldn't her rights of having her boyfriend stay over be taken away. If its not disrupting the other housemates, and the OP has given us no indication that it really is then I cant see any reason for the other housemates to complain.

Someone else said that the OPs boyfriend should pay rent if he's staying over so much, you rent ROOMS in a house, why would the boyfriend pay the same rent as everyone else in the house when he only SHARES a room with his gf 3 or 4 nights a week. If anything he should be paying some money to the girlfriend to pay for her share of the rent but not subsidising her housemates.

If I was you OP I'd just tell your housemate to f*ck off and cop on.

Thanks so much I was starting to think that i was abnormal for the opinion I have on the situation!

farreller24

nomorebadtown wrote: »

Am i missing something? Why are so many posters giving the OP a hard time?
So lets say she limits her bf to two or three visits a week...wtf is the problem

He doesn't increase bills, eat their food or take up communal living space. In fact I don't see how he is impacting on the housemate's life at all (unless the OP is a screamer...) If the bf was being a slob all over the house, stealing food, hogging the remote and swinging from the rafters then i'd totally sympathise but to me the OPs living arrangements seem perfectly acceptalbe.

Change the atmosphere in the house because the OP and her bf are in her room? GTFOver it! The OP is not in the house to entertain and pander to this housemate. I understand that this girl has some problem with the OP's bf being there and as its her house too, the OP must respect her wishes...but the OP has compromised and now has her bf over less often so its time for this girl to cop on and meet the OP in the middle. It is the OP's house just as much as this girl's and the OP is entitled to have a quiet unintrusive guest in her room a few times a week no problem. You can bet that when this girl bags a man, she will have him over when she likes.

As for this girl not telling the OP when she is showing the OP's room to potential new housemates - bang out of order. OP, as someone else said above, lock your room.

OP you seem very worried that this person is being frosty, aggressive, defensive and bitchy about you in work. clearly you are no longer friends. You need to be calm but firm and tell her that

1. she is being totally unreasonalbe
2. you have modified your behaviour and that is how it is staying
3. she needs to cop herself on and be civil if she wants to stay friends
4. she better tell you when she is showing the room

maybe i'm just a very easy going person to share a house with but if a housemate of mine has guests, as long as they - keep the place clean, don't impact on my home life much, pay for whatever they use and keep the noise down, i really couldn't care less.

Oh my god thank you so much, i completely agree with you!

I am getting really stressed with the situation because i really have done everything in my power to be nice and to compromise and i feel so indignant that I am still being made to feel bad and worry about how she is portraying me to my work colleagues......i don't bring house matters into work. Im also starting to get sick from being so stressed, and feel physically sick at the thought of having to even talk to her about anything. All i wnt is for there to be an amicable atmosphere in the house.

G86

farreller24 wrote: »

yes you're right i think we both need to just not live with one another. You see we were such good friends beforehand, and she always got on very well with BF so i suppose i didnt envisage it being a problem. Alsoi did ask them when the bf started staying over if they minded or had any problem.........they both said they liked having him there! and im glad peole seem to agree about the room thing, when i said to her (so nicely) would she mind just running it by me first so that i can have the room tidy and personal things put away out of sight she was very defensive, but i know she knows its not nice to do it, she's just looking for a way to piss me off.defo gona have to jus move out me thinks!
Thanks for your opinion!

No worries, to be honest I don't see why she has such a problem with it, esp if you're friends and not strangers. I've never lived with anyone who had a prob with boyf's staying over a few nights, and it wouldn't bother me either.

nomorebadtown

farreller24 wrote: »

Oh my god thank you so much, i completely agree with you!

I am getting really stressed with the situation because i really have done everything in my power to be nice and to compromise and i feel so indignant that I am still being made to feel bad and worry about how she is portraying me to my work colleagues......i don't bring house matters into work. Im also starting to get sick from being so stressed, and feel physically sick at the thought of having to even talk to her about anything. All i wnt is for there to be an amicable atmosphere in the house.

whatever about at home, this carry on in work is completely unacceptable. warn her to stop and if she does it again you will take up with HR. find out from others what she has said and when. write it down and give it to your superiors and the relavent HR people.

farreller24

Oh and I am not a screamer!:D we are very quiet (all the time) as we both enjoy getting our sleep at night, and i wouldnt appreciate someone keeping me awake due to noise.

The_Conductor

Tails142 wrote: »

The OP is a tennant too so why shouldn't her rights of having her boyfriend stay over be taken away. If its not disrupting the other housemates, and the OP has given us no indication that it really is then I cant see any reason for the other housemates to complain.

Having a partner or indeed mates over on a regular basis does impact on the other people in the house. You may not think that you are interrupting them- but they signed up to 2 girls sharing a house, not 2 girls and a guy who may or may not be there. It is another person present in the house- period.

Tails142 wrote: »

Someone else said that the OPs boyfriend should pay rent if he's staying over so much, you rent ROOMS in a house, why would the boyfriend pay the same rent as everyone else in the house when he only SHARES a room with his gf 3 or 4 nights a week. If anything he should be paying some money to the girlfriend to pay for her share of the rent but not subsidising her housemates.

Well- he is physically present in the house almost half (3 or 4 nights a week) as much as everyone else. You don't rent rooms in a house- you rent the house, you have your own room, certainly- but its very rare that its done on a room by room basis. I know what you're saying- he doesn't cause any extra expenses in the house- so he shouldn't pay extra. He is however physically present. It was not discussed before the girls took the house- he sort of got into the habit- and the OP now has to try to come some sort of arrangement with her erstwhile friend.

Tails142 wrote: »

If I was you OP I'd just tell your housemate to f*ck off and cop on.

And start a brawl?

The mature thing is to sit down and discuss the matter in a reasonable manner together. Having someone over is a big issue for some people. Other people really don't mind at all. Its not fair or reasonable to expect that someone will or will not mind. A contribution towards the household bills would be a very reasonable conciliatory gesture- and is what the OP is proposing. If this is not acceptable- then one or the other of the housemates should move. Perhaps the OP might like to get a place with her boyfriend- it would save on them renting two separate places?

farreller24

[/quote]Change the atmosphere in the house because the OP and her bf are in her room? GTFOver it! The OP is not in the house to entertain and pander to this housemate. [/quote]

Also I feel like because we are friends (or used to be) she feels like I should be hanging out with her in the evenings in the living room....she even complained during one of our confrontations that she thought it was weird that we spent all our time in my room........!

All we do is watch dvds and chill out, surf the net, and sleep....we purposely go to my room because i don't want to hog the tv or for the girls to feel they can't use their own living area......my BF totally doesnt intrude on any communal living space!:rolleyes:

farreller24

smccarrick wrote: »

Having a partner or indeed mates over on a regular basis does impact on the other people in the house. You may not think that you are interrupting them- but they signed up to 2 girls sharing a house, not 2 girls and a guy who may or may not be there. It is another person present in the house- period.



Well- he is physically present in the house almost half (3 or 4 nights a week) as much as everyone else. You don't rent rooms in a house- you rent the house, you have your own room, certainly- but its very rare that its done on a room by room basis. I know what you're saying- he doesn't cause any extra expenses in the house- so he shouldn't pay extra. He is however physically present. It was not discussed before the girls took the house- he sort of got into the habit- and the OP now has to try to come some sort of arrangement with her erstwhile friend.



And start a brawl?

The mature thing is to sit down and discuss the matter in a reasonable manner together. Having someone over is a big issue for some people. Other people really don't mind at all. Its not fair or reasonable to expect that someone will or will not mind. A contribution towards the household bills would be a very reasonable conciliatory gesture- and is what the OP is proposing. If this is not acceptable- then one or the other of the housemates should move. Perhaps the OP might like to get a place with her boyfriend- it would save on them renting two separate places?

Well in our house we actually do rent the rooms as such. If someone were to not pay their rent we would not be liable for it if you get me.

Also the BF is really only over two nights at the mo cos Im trying to compromise.

And although this wasn't discussed before moving into the house, the other two girls invite people over quite regularly, without consulting anyone....(in fact i have never been consulted by them about their houseguests, the only difference is that I have the same guest while they have different ones be it family/friends/or random guys) and have often had people stay for a few days to a week at a time often sleeping in our living room and using the bathroom/kitchen etc......i don't really mind this being quite easygoing, i suppose this is another reason i feel i am being villified by my friend - other housemate has no problem.

dave.omeara

Just a couple of thoughts, Firstly, your housemate is being a bit immature not to try and sort out some sort of compromise. If you're going to continue to live together then she has to try and be civil, plus any prospective future housemate might very well run a mile if they see the situation between the two of yee. No one wants to move into a warring house.

But since we don't have your housemates prospective, it's hard to give a fair opinion on it. Having your boyfriend over 3-4 nights a week is a bit excessive. If he lives 2 hours away, why doesn't he just look for a place of his own if the two of yee arn't ready to move in together. At least that way you can split the time in each house. Is he there straight after work or later in the afternoon? If it's straight after work, it might very well feel like there is an extra person living in the house. I know it doesn't impact on bills very much but your housemate might feel a little uncomfortable.

Also, since you were friends before hand maybe she thought you would be spending time together chatting or just having fun. Not all the time but every so often. Maybe cause you're spending so much time in your room she just feels a little lonely.

Blazer

My advice- move out..I know you said that you won't find a place that's cheaper etc but you have to think about the overall picture.
For me having to pay an extra few pound would be no problem if it meant I didn't have to listen to that bitch of a flatmate.
And she is being a bitch.
I can never understand these people who moan about other tenant's gf/bf etc.
simple matter it's not their house, you're paying for your room and the common law factilities so it' none of their business. So what if he stays 3-4 nights a week. Like you said you're both in your room so no probs.
If anything they should be grateful that you're both not hogging the living room +tv and being all lovey dovey etc in front of them.

farreller24

dave.omeara wrote: »

Just a couple of thoughts, Firstly, your housemate is being a bit immature not to try and sort out some sort of compromise. If you're going to continue to live together then she has to try and be civil, plus any prospective future housemate might very well run a mile if they see the situation between the two of yee. No one wants to move into a warring house.

But since we don't have your housemates prospective, it's hard to give a fair opinion on it. Having your boyfriend over 3-4 nights a week is a bit excessive. If he lives 2 hours away, why doesn't he just look for a place of his own if the two of yee arn't ready to move in together. At least that way you can split the time in each house. Is he there straight after work or later in the afternoon? If it's straight after work, it might very well feel like there is an extra person living in the house. I know it doesn't impact on bills very much but your housemate might feel a little uncomfortable.

Also, since you were friends before hand maybe she thought you would be spending time together chatting or just having fun. Not all the time but every so often. Maybe cause you're spending so much time in your room she just feels a little lonely.

No he's never there straight after work earliest would be 8pm, often later.At the moment he can't move from where he is living. I accept your point about her being lonely and agree that this is definitely an issue, but I was happy to still hang out with her until she started being hostile towards me. I had no idea why as she had previously said when asked that she didnt mind the bf being there, i think it would have been more mature of her to come to me with her problem instead of ignoring me and leaving me out of conversations with other housemate, behaviour which is akin to bullying and made me feel extremely uncomfortable in the communal living areas around both housemates I have instead had to go to her numerous times. It was then that the bf started staying over more because i was feeling miserable in the house and wanted him there for company as she was causing a horrible atmosphere even between me and our other housemate. Believe me though if it was the other way around she wouldn't spare a thought for any one but herself. She complained about the parking outside the house (there is always plenty everyone always gets a spot) and then got a new car and started arking it between 2 spots on purpose!

Anyway thats beside the point, as someone said earlier, i live with her yes, but I am not there to entertain her, and obviously have no interest in hanging out with someone who is so hostile.

farreller24

dave.omeara wrote: »

J If you're going to continue to live together then she has to try and be civil, plus any prospective future housemate might very well run a mile if they see the situation between the two of yee. No one wants to move into a warring house,
.

Totally agree with you on this one too which is another reason why I want to sort it out. Would prefer to sort it out than have to move out so am willing to try one more time.

dave.omeara

farreller24 wrote: »

She complained about the parking outside the house (there is always plenty everyone always gets a spot) and then got a new car and started arking it between 2 spots on purpose!

Ok, now thats gone past immature and is just plain childish.

Why don't you try arrange some viewings by yourself and see what she makes of it. I hate suggesting a tit-for-tat approach but it might open her eyes a little. (Or else bring down an even greater wrath upon yourself)

Claire121

I definitely think 3-4 nights is excessive, it would annoy me. I think it's easy not to realise the impact your behaviour has on the rest of the house. It creates a different atmosphere and can make things a bit awkward. Those girls didn't sign up to live with a couple. I thought it was a sort of 'unwritten rule' that bf/gfs should only stay 1-2 nights a week. If it's more than that, why not just move in together? My boyfriend currently lives an hour away but I'm very conscious of having him over to stay too often. I get the vibe that my flatmates wouldn't be pleased, so he only stays one night a week at the weekend, and maybe one evening we'd eat dinner together in the house. Any more than that and I'd feel like we were taking over the place and it wouldn't be fair. I totally see where the housemate is coming from. She might be a bitch, but OP doesn't sound like a very good housemate either.

elmyra

OP, I think you're being fairly reasonable in doing your level best to sort this out, but as someone who's on the other side of the fence at the moment, dealing with a housemate having a bf over most of time time - it does create a different dynamic and there's a difference between people having a friend over on the couch for a night and having a partner over. Couples can create a feeling that they want to be on their own and leave the other housemates awkwardly dodging around them in the living areas and so on - whether they mean to or not. Maybe keep it at 2 nights a week, because 4 nights a week is effectively having another housemate that you didn't sign up for.