f**kbuddy or girlfriend....what are the criteria...

Madame Razz

So i'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but i just had coffee with a male friend of mine and something he said got me thinking.

He's been seeing a girl for the last while, good craic, very pretty, they didnt sleep together initially but had a few dates after they first met, got on well, and it went from there.

So i asked him today how things were going; to which he replied 'well you know, shes good for a laugh and a bit of fun but i wouldn't want to go out with her'



This isnt the first time a guy has said something similar to me.

So my question is this: what marks a girl out as a one night stand, a f**kbuddy or girlfriend material??

Or is it just a case of the guy not being that into the girl, but finding her physically reasonably attractive and basically useful until something better comes along??

Or like me, are these men not into relationships 'for the sake of it'; they only like to be in a relationship they really really want; but they're men so a f**kbuddy fills the void???

Any enlightenment on this phenomenon welcome.....

sickpuppy32

it takes two to tango. usually the girl wants it that way too. Its two people satisfying a physical need without all the emotional baggage that comes with a relationship. basically its a friend you have sex with. t also means if the girl or boy in the relationship meet some else who they are mad about, they can stop without anyone getting hurt, also you wont be lying if you answer no when asked if you are in a relationship

Dragan

manukahoney wrote: »

Or like me, are these men not into relationships 'for the sake of it'; they only like to be in a relationship they really really want; but they're men so a f**kbuddy fills the void???

Any enlightenment on this phenomenon welcome.....

Sorry but ever straight dude has a female **** buddy so your implication that it is somehow a male phenomenon is way off bat.

I have had this set up numerous times with girls and we were both very happy with it. We were friends and comfortable enough to have sex together with the added safety of no one thinking anything stupid.

I'm not always in a place where a relationship would be a good idea, but casual sex with a friend can by mutually beneficial.

WindSock

Dragan wrote: »

I have had this set up numerous times with girls and we were both very happy with it.

Slut

John Mason

LOL, he is probably ashamed to be seen in public with her - is she a fugley?

or else the only thing they have in common is sex

Wibbs

manukahoney wrote: »

is it just a case of the guy not being that into the girl, but finding her physically reasonably attractive and basically useful until something better comes along??

Or like me, are these men not into relationships 'for the sake of it'; they only like to be in a relationship they really really want; but they're men so a f**kbuddy fills the void???

Pretty much both of those I would say. Now it's all cool if both are in the same place and are actual mates, but all too often it's not like that. I wouldn't be surprised the woman he's seeing would be nonplussed to hear herself being described as such.

Disco Stu

Think some of the time you just know that someone is a good laugh and fun but there ain't going to be a long term future in it....

Nothing wrong with it, as long as both sides see it in the same way and one doesn't think they've found the one... when the other thinks they're just getting a roide every so often...!!

Wibbs

Dragan wrote: »

Sorry but ever straight dude has a female **** buddy so your implication that it is somehow a male phenomenon is way off bat.

I agree, but and I know this is a cliche, in a hell of a lot of cases the woman either doesn't know she's a fúckbuddy or knows but hopes for more the longer it goes on. OK it is a cliche and there are a lot of women where this is not the case, but there are reasons why it's a cliche.

We have contraception and all that now, but our gender biology is still under the surface. Men and women have different reproductive strategies. A woman, because she takes the risk of pregnancy has a different angle on sex. Now I know pregnancy effects the man too, but the fact is the woman is the one carrying the child so her reasons and need for sex are subtly different.

Those differences also explain the double standard in so many areas of sex. We have our big oul brains to over ride a lot of this stuff, but it's still there.

topper75

Wibbs post is excellent - the biology is huge and feeds into the psychology.

Rem - females - one shot a month. Males - millions every hour. This means women are more careful, despite contraception availability.

This is the reason why the feckbuddy phenomenon is a lot more popular with males. They can afford to give sperm (genes) on to any oul yoke cos their offspring will be successful with some of their sexual partners at least, and their line goes on. A woman also wants to propogate her genes but will demand high standards from a partner who comes in on it with her cos she will be betting 9 months of her valuable fertility time on that one bet. This is why there is a much bigger emotional dimension to sex for females. They need trust and permancency whereas males do not necessarily.

WindSock

What I always think it comes down to is... it's a lot easire for Women to get sex than it is for Men. So Women can afford to be picky.

MJOR

i think that very often unless bondaries are set and you have the conversation early on the party thinks they are in a relationship and the other party is like whoa no we are just F*ck buddies

Wibbs

WindSock wrote: »

What I always think it comes down to is... it's a lot easire for Women to get sex than it is for Men. So Women can afford to be picky.

That's down to the biology too. It's easier for women to get sex because like topper75 wrote men are driven to spread their dna as much as possible, women are driven to find the best dna, so they have to be picky and so it's largely a sellers market for women.

I would say that men can get nearly as much sex as women if they are reproductively of high "value". Or even if they pretend to be, or go for women of lower "value" to them. A lot of that pickup artist BS plays into that. Of course it falls flat for a large amount of men who try it. Silk purse, sows ear springs readily. Makes money though.

I would even go so far as to say that liberalisation or sexual matters and even feminism has helped men a lot in getting more sexual partners, if they brass it out enough. I know guys who have basically had harems of women one after the other for the last ten years. The only pressure on them to stay was from the women, not society anymore. 40 years ago there would have been shotgun weddings aplenty. Even getting a woman pregnant is not the big deal it was. If the guy is a complete shít he can actually walk away. I know guys who have. They can pay the minimum amount of maintenance and continue on as before, leaving her with the child. Most men won't of course and ironically the ones who want to be in their kids lives may even have a rougher time of it if the woman or her family object.

IMHO while women have thankfully far more sexual freedom than in the past, they're judged on that freedom, nearly as much as in the past and they still have many of the consequences of the past. Again ironically it's more of a mans world now if that's what they want.

Dragan

WindSock wrote: »

Slut

Pretty much. :pac:

Dragan

Dragan wrote: »

I'm not always in a place where a relationship would be a good idea, but casual sex with a friend can by mutually beneficial.

Can be, you're just lucky you haven't found one that wants more yet. THAT is a disaster. Yea I made it clear I didn't want anything else, she agreed, away we want but she later admitted that she only agreed cos she hoped I'd fall for her....:o That was the end of that.

mollybird

what would you call a situation then when your so called intimate friend does not want you seeing any of his friends. yet he doesn't want to get serious with you? and keeps you a secret for oh lets say 4 years.

i missed out on what could of been 4 years with my OH cause my friend would not leave me be around his other friends only when it suited him did he leave me be with one of his mates who will hopefully turn out (fingers crossed) to be my future.

i can never forgive him for deneying me this time of pure happiness for his narsatistic ways. all my mates thinks i should get over it but i just can't i don't want to feel this way and i do want to be civil to him for my guy's sake but i just can't.

Good lord am I confused.

Are you saying that your **** buddy prevented you from starting a relationship with your current beau.

I don't see how. Didn't the holy spirit or someone give us free will?

Zaph

mollybird wrote: »

what would you call a situation then when your so called intimate friend does not want you seeing any of his friends. yet he doesn't want to get serious with you? and keeps you a secret for oh lets say 4 years.

i missed out on what could of been 4 years with my OH cause my friend would not leave me be around his other friends only when it suited him did he leave me be with one of his mates who will hopefully turn out (fingers crossed) to be my future.

i can never forgive him for deneying me this time of pure happiness for his narsatistic ways. all my mates thinks i should get over it but i just can't i don't want to feel this way and i do want to be civil to him for my guy's sake but i just can't.

I'd call it over-analysing tbh. There's no guarantee that you and your OH would have got together 4 years ago, or if you did you may have been a bit more immature than you both are now and it mightn't have lasted for a multitude of reasons. Holding a grudge against someone for something like this is ridiculous, imo. Think of it this way, you'd probably never have met your OH at all if it hadn't been for the other guy. And if you were really that píssed off about the situation you should have called it quits long before the 4 year mark, but that too may have meant that you'd never have met your OH. You've got to live in the present, not the "what might have been", that's an utterly pointless exercise.

Thats well said Zaph.

mollybird

well if it ain't that that is pissing me off what is cause i seriously wish i could get this whole anger thing over and done with it's wrecking my head at this stage. and i know it's not cause i'm no longer with him cause he was a lousy lay!!

Zaph

I'm not saying that it's not that that's pissing you off, what I'm saying is that it's irrational for you to allow it to piss you off. You were in a situation that you could have got out of long before you did if you were that dissatisfied with it, but for whatever reasons you chose not to. But on the flip side, you have ended up with a much better person who you may not have ended up with had those 4 years not run their course, and therefore you can't say that the other guy deprived you of something. That something may never have become a reality had you met his mate 4 years ago.