bio dad back on scene

LegacyUser

my daughters bio father, has made contact after 5 years, he wasnt a great bf or father, he was abusive and vicious.

after a long court case it was decided that as he hadnt got any help for his issues that he couldnt see my daughter anymore, before that it was always supervised - after he kidnapped her for a day.

basically he rang up, got our number off directory inquiries and says that he has spent first 3 years in a booze and drug binge, but for the last year he has been getting help and is on medication. he has a new girlfriend of 3mths, who herself has four children, the youngest being 8mths. which makes me wonder as well.
he says he wants to make amends and know about "his daughter", he wants to ring and write to her, but i said he could only write to start with, and that he had to send money over every week to prove that he wasnt spending it all on beer, pot and coke. he didnt seem too interested in doing that for some reason.

I had to sit down last night with my fiancee, her daddy, the man who raised her, put bandages on her knees, kissed the bo-bos away, pays for our house, food, her clothes toys santa holidays school, everything a little girl needs in a father she has, and tried to explain this big mess to my daughter.
but she kept asking awkward q's and i dont know how to answer them. how do i explain to an 8.5 year old, that the reason she has no contact with her bio father is that he punched and hit her mother, kidnapped her, took drugs was constantly drunk and was a irresponsible sh*t head who hasnt givin any money to support her since she was born, and in so doing now owes so much in back maintenance that he cant come back to ireland to see her without ending up in the nick, even if i wanted him too which i dont.

i ended up explaining that he had a bad temper as he had something wrong with his head. and that he said he was taking tablets to make him stop being angry, but that mummy and daddy were going to take things slowly and leave her bio dad write to her for a while before leaving her talk to him on the phone, to make sure that he was taking his tablets everyday.

she was so upset yesterday, she cried for hours about how she wanted to see him, why he wasnt nice, why he couldnt live with us. what would happen if mummy got sick would he take her away from daddy, She wanted to know if he loved her, if he did how could he leave her, why hadnt he sent her a birthday present or card, or christmas present. Was it her fault, did she cry alot when she was a baby. I just wished that i had never mentioned him to her, she was so small when he went away we could have deleted his existence from our lives, but i didnt i knew it was wrong i know i cant do that to her, but i cant paint a rosy picture of him either, so what am i supposed to say, where do i go from here, ive already probably said the wrong things to her, and what do i say if he doenst make contact again.
sorry for rant but dont know what to do.

dudara

In one way, it's better that she knows about her biological Dad, rather than finding out years down the line. She'll assimilate what you've told her quickly enough. Underneath it all she knows who really takes care of her every day.

katie08

If you think your situation is messed up, I have a family friend who married a man who couldn't have kids so they used a sperm donor (same guy) twice to have their two kids, these two kids are now teenagers & the man who they think was their Dad is now dead but they have no idea their real biological father is out there somewhere because their mother never explained anything to them growing up.

So i think telling your little girl is the best thing to do, she will only resent you & go off the rails later on in life if she realises you kept him away. I dont pity your situation, but you are a strong person so stay that way & do it for your daughters sake (make sure ur ex knows that too).

Good luck!!

Beruthiel

OP
She was going to find out sometime. Might as well be now instead of later.
As dudara said, she will take the info on board.
My sisters daughter has never met her father, she will ask questions and is told what she needs to know.
At the end of the day, my sisters husband is her father in all the ways that matter.
Your daughter will be fine.

AngryBadger

worried02 wrote: »

ive already probably said the wrong things to her, and what do i say if he doenst make contact again.
sorry for rant but dont know what to do.

I think you picked the perfect words, your daughter is not going to be able to understand exactly what happened there, but you've given her a shape that's close enough to the actual truth that she's able to deal with it, and when she's older there's a solid base for her to explore what actually happened with you.

I think that regardless of how you told the tale, she would still be asking "did he love me", "Will he take me away if something happens to you", and so on, there was never any way to avoid those questions. But as other posters have already pointed out, she knows who her "real" family are. A lot of what kids pick up on is subliminal, we, and they don't even realise it's happeneing. The fact that you've told her anything will ultimately give her more security in herself and her family, you just have to ride out the emotional turmoil in the meantime.

In regards to her biological father, I think you're absolutely right in limiting his contact as mush as possible until you feel otherwise.

Fair dews OP, not a situation i'd like to be in, but I think you're handling it admirably.

LegacyUser

thanks guys, i really am lost on this at the moment, we decided along time ago that she should now that there was another dad on the picture but had just left it at he was in england and we didnt know how to contact him. We knew that in the longterm it would be easier as we didnt want to have to explain away her birthcert to a hormonal teenager,

but i just got such a shock, our phone is exdirectory, i never thought you could get mobile no's off directory inquires, we kept christening photos and a few of when she was a small baby, but he took all the photos off her as a baby and those of her with him on their own.

i had to grow up so fast, it wasnt fair, i was an idiot teenager who knew nothing of the real world and fell for the first guy who looked my way, when he was dry he was the best in the world, but he didnt stay that way, and before i knew what was coming i was knee deep in a relationship that frightend me to no end,

stupid girl beleived that he would marry me, get a job, and everything would turn out roses, but then i got pregnant and he got more and more possesive and when i had my daughter it got worse until i had to take action, when i left things seemed ok for a while, access was grand he was always clean and i thought maybe he was growing up like i had done realising i had a child to take care off. then he asked me to take him back and when i said no, he went on a rampage, wrecked my flat, took my baby and said he was going back to england before leaving me black and blue on the floor crying out for help. the guards got her back about 6 hours later, those 6 hours were the longest in my life, worse than anything i had been through with him.

i cant trust what he says now, he sounds so pleasant on the phone, just like he did all those years before, but i know what can happen, i know how quickly he turns, i cant leave my daughter witness that, and im not sure how i can cope with all these old memories flooding back, i thought i had put my demons behind me, but im so scared, it doesnt matter that he is england, and will get picked up if he comes back, i spent a half hour last night checking every door and window was locked i havent left her out of my sight since he got back in touch, my dr said he would give me a sick note for the week as i am so stressed, but what happens monday, i dont think i can leave her, and i cant tell work they wouldnt understand,

Ronaldo2

You said there was a court case, that determined he had to stay away. Has anything changed since. Surely its best he continues to stay out of her life. The childs interests must come first, not his.

LegacyUser

the judge decided that he couldnt see her, but that every child has a right to know who there bio parents are and he wouldnt make an order preventing contact by way of letters cards or phone calls, There was a protetion order and a barring order for 3 years but that is well expired and ive been told that i cant get it renewed.

he also said that an application for access could be sent into district court clerk by father any time in the future, but that it would be judged on him complying fully with the directions of the court in the future and past orderes for him to seek medical help and attending aa meetings.

He went to england to avoid the warrants on the unpaid maintenance, theve run into the thousands now based on €40 pw, i cant imagine how hed suddenly come up with the money given that he says hes only in the last year dried up, but i wouldnt put it passed him.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Any chance you and your fiance/a friend could meet up with him & get an idea of what he's like.

Of course I'd completely understand if you said no given his history. However, if he really wants to see his daughter it might mean he's getting somewhere & given she knows he exists she'll probably want to see him now and later.

Also, if he does clean himself up the court may rule that you must let him see you. It'll probably be best for your daughter thet you're civil with each other.

Now I don't know much a bout the legal issues so for all I know you could just block him out. Though seeing as your daughter wants to see him its probably impossible anyway

Make him pay the maintennence anyway

Victor

I think long term, whether one year or ten, some reconciliation should be sought, but the father has to prove he has changed and is willing to respect your daughter, you and her daddy. He has to prove that by being sober, calm, providing for her and proving he can be trusted. Small steps first.

While 8 is young, explaining to her that he has problems is the right way to go about it. While you shouldn't gloss over things, you needn't paint it all as bad either.

LegacyUser

thanks victor, im trying to write a letter to him now, and your words are ringing in my ears, i have to tell him to prove himself, but how does he do that when were in different countries, maybe i should just leave it, i promised her report from school, i can send that and see what i get back.

Maybe i should demand he start paying maintenance instead of just beating around the bush, I dont know what story is with him and new girlfriend, she has 4 kids maybe hes supporting hers instead of his own. I dont want anything off him except to be left alone to raise my daughter, but i cant ask for that can i, and i cant tell her that.

So what do i write, that i hope hes treating this new gf better than he treated me., send over money or ill believe your on the batter, your a damn fool for walking out on the most precious treasure you will ever hold in your arms, and you shouldnt have taken 8years on the razz to realise what you were after doing, what you had lost and suddenly think you deserve another last chance,
Why did i say id send over that flaming card. ive spent all night doctoring it to delete the school name and principal from it. am i paranoid or thick or what, i should have just hung up the phone.

Victor

worried02 wrote: »

i have to tell him to prove himself, but how does he do that when were in different countries,

Medical reports over a period of time? Showing the good and bad?

Maybe i should demand he start paying maintenance instead of just beating around the bush, I dont know what story is with him and new girlfriend, she has 4 kids maybe hes supporting hers instead of his own. I dont want anything off him except to be left alone to raise my daughter, but i cant ask for that can i, and i cant tell her that.

Take the money and put it aside for when its needed.

So what do i write, that i hope hes treating this new gf better than he treated me., send over money or ill believe your on the batter, your a damn fool for walking out on the most precious treasure you will ever hold in your arms, and you shouldnt have taken 8years on the razz to realise what you were after doing, what you had lost and suddenly think you deserve another last chance,

Thats your emotions. Fully understandable. But it won't solve anything.

Why did i say id send over that flaming card. ive spent all night doctoring it to delete the school name and principal from it.

Don't doctor it, merely type up a your letter and include the main details from the report card.

am i paranoid or thick or what

Wary. understandably so. See my thread here: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055123978

JuliusCaesar

Please don't send him the report card; you could just copy out the contents. And you don't have to respond immediately.

Please talk to OneFamily (used to be called Cherish) the organisation for one-parent families. www.onefamily.ie They have a LOT of experience with these situations and will be able to advise you. Another organisation I found really helpful is Treoir (www.treoir.ie Federation of Services for Unmarried Parents and Their Children)who helped me sue my son's father for maintence - father lived in America - at no cost to myself.

Send him nothing without getting advise first.

OneFamily will also be able to help with how to explain the situation to your daughter.

PS it looks as if you've done a good job so far - your explanation looks very good and age-appropriate and most of all it shows how much you are putting your daughter first in all of this. I do wish you all the best in this.

shut up!

Why are you even considering letting this man back into her life? What good will it bring her? Millions of kids are adopted every year, and whilst many of them know they are adopted, the status quo remains.

Your child is 8 you say, and she wants to see the sperm donor, but what does she know about what's good for her? That's why she has parent's, like you, and the man whom she calls Daddy.
And what of him -- the man you love? Have you considered him and how crushing this must be for him? Because regardless of what he's told you, or how he's acting on the inside, this has GOT to be hurting him inside. That he is now looking down the uncertain barrel of sharing fatherhood to a child that HE reared. That's very tough.

I'm not telling you how to live your life, but I really don't see the good in bringing a "reformed" drug-addict/wife-beater/alcoholic/kidnapper into your eight year old's life, just because he shares some genetic code with her.
You were right not to let her find this out when she was 20, but she's a kid, and kids accept what their parents tell them - she'll get over this by christmas. As for your ex (I'm loath to call him her Father), you owe him nothing. He cashed in his chips a long time ago.

LegacyUser

shut up, thats exactly the straight talk that i needed, im an eejit a glutten for punishment. ive writted the letter it basically says that heres a copy of her report card, however i have thought about our situation and relationship and decided for the sake of my daughter not to leave a "reformed" drug-addict/wife-beater/alcoholic/kidnapper into my eight year old's life, just because you share some genetic code with her. I dont beleive that you have changed but now after 5 years that i have an address, i will leave you know that she is fine and doing well in school, to build up trust You should send maintenance, then cards and letters and by regular contact, it will in some way go towards proving that you have rehabilitated yourself, and maybe if you stay sober and calm for a few years we can discuss things further,

Im sure that this is all a blip of sobriety in his life rather than a new leaf.

Victor i had/have to an extent forgiven him or at least put it behind me, believe me when i say i prayed for help and guidance, ive come to realise hes sick, thats not his fault, not getting help when he knew he needed it, is his fault. but i cant and shouldn't forget,

My fiancee as always is my rock, my angel, as the song goes he would walk 1000 miles just to be the man who turned up at my door.

Gonzales

If he's clean & truly seriously about this he must will be willing to jump through the legal hoops to get back into her life, if hes goes through the proper channels & pays whats due that should give you some indication of his current state. If he just wants an instant fix without any effort on his part I'd be dubious.

I wouldn't invite him back in any case let him find out what the hoops are & let him navigate them to get back into your lives in a legitimate manner.

good luck

G

madser

As harsh as it may sound, she has to make the choice to exclude him from her life not you as her mother. If she really wants to see him and you don't let her then she will end up resenting you. Don't worry she knows what side her bread is buttered and given his history he will mess it up. Be strong and only let things be done on your terms and take things very slowly, and dont let him see report cards those things have to be earned, he'll get bored and sky off again don't worry. I know you will worry about her getting hurt but she will be hurt either way.

valleyoftheunos

Op I think you did really well.

Just remember that it was he who hurt your little girl not you, just because you have to tell her about itdoesn't mean you are causing her the pain.

tbh

I'm going to try to put myself into your ex's shoes and I'm going to take him at face value when he says he's reformed.

IF I'd had a daughter with someone, and IF I'd abused that someone and left her and basically ignored my child for 8.5 years because of drugs and alchol, and IF I had suddenly sobered up and realised what a complete and utter cock I'd been, then I would pray to God or whoever to please please please give me a chance to put things right, and I would do whatever it took to put things right.

Now, if I got that chance - say for example I got in contact with my childs mother and she was prepared to hear me out, and IF i was genuinely reformed, I would

• Accept that 8.5 years of pain cannot be undone in a phone-call. I would be prepared to be patient, understand that the situation was my fault, and take any and every piece of progress as a positive
• Comply 100% with any and all conditions my childs mother imposed. If she said I could only write letters, I would write regularly, and address the letters to the childs mother so she could check them first. I'm responsible for the upheaval, therefore I do whatever I can to minimise the stress on the child
• Pay, to the best of my abilites, any and all money I owed
• Not force the issue. It doesn't matter if I think I'm ready, I appreciate that it's up to me to prove I can be trusted again, and no-one owes me a second chance

Now, if your ex shows all those characteristics, I think it's fair that you give him a second chance, but always at your own pace. If he tries to force the issue, or speed things up, then forget him.

You are taking a massive risk by re-introducing him to your daughter. It's going to cause a lot of upset, even if it goes smoothly. You should take as much time as you need to satisfy yourself that he's worth it - and if that takes 2,5,10 years, well, if your ex really does have your daughters interests at heart, he'll accept that.

Pub07

madser wrote: »

As harsh as it may sound, she has to make the choice to exclude him from her life not you as her mother.

Yea, good idea, put a decision of this magnitude in the hands of an 8 year old. :rolleyes:

the_syco

worried02 wrote: »

Victor i had/have to an extent forgiven him or at least put it behind me, believe me when i say i prayed for help and guidance, ive come to realise hes sick, thats not his fault, not getting help when he knew he needed it, is his fault. but i cant and shouldn't forget

His abuse of you, him hiding behind the drugs and the drink... is all his fault.

There's a place for forgivness, but he hasn't reached that place yet. One single phonecall 8 years after doing a runner asking for full contact with your child... doesn't seem he has changed. He wants contact on his terms. Deny him that.

Is your phone pre-paid, or bill paid? I'd look into that, as I doubt Directory Inquires has that info. Ring them, and ask if they do.

Also, piddles to his current relationship. It may be healthy,or it may be exactly like the one you had with him.

As for the maintenance, it'll interesting to what he'll say about that, as going back to contacting the child on his terms, the maintenance won't be a favouable term for him. If he tries to shrug it off, you've gotten your answer: he wants the contact on his terms, and hasn't changed.

Drift

I think tbh's advice sounds very good. I know it's a very emotive subject for you OP and rightly so but thinking about it in a calm manner will benefit your daughter in the end.

I think you've handled things excellently so far. Keep up the good work.

stevelknievel

First, thing you seem to be handling this incredibly well so far. Really well done on that. I think the sperm donor(he's not a dad) should be given a chance to prove himself. It is possible that he realised his mistakes. You have to lay down a LOT of ground rules, or tests. Have him jump through hoops that will seriously push his commitment, his desire and, most imprtantly his sobreity to the very limits. If he succeeds, then you meet him first with your fiancee. Make it clear that if he fooks up this time, then that's his last chance. Never again will he hear anything about her. It's a good thing your daughter knows about him. She knows, and will always know who her real parents are, so don't worry about that.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the support, i'm a bit calmer now, plus i rang a womens helpline for a chat and a bit of councelling,
Im waiting to see if he sends anything in the post to my sisters or to the courts clerk, he doesnt know where i live and im going to keep it that way, he hasnt rang back since, although i jump everytime my phone beeps,

Herself hasnt asked much after the first day, she seems to have accepted that i dont trust him and hasnt asked about seeing him again, She is more attatched to us, particularly daddy these last few days, extra big hugs and kisses when he comes in from work, but she hasnt slept in her bed all through the night yet. i guess shes processing what ive told her, Still at least she is going to her own bed, and isnt waking up with nightmares, she just comes in and cuddles up in the middle of the night,

tbh thanks so much for your advice, not being able to come back to Ireland until all the maintenance is paid off is a fairly big ask, im going to ask that a regular amount comes in every week, and that he should pay a lot extra, in a few weeks for school. it might ruffle feathers but it will give me an indication of where he is at, im lucky that money isnt a major issue, and i can put anything that comes away for college,

sycho, i know it sounds wrong, but i know this man, his upbringing, his abusive father all shaped him into a person predisposed to violence, alcoholism and drug addiction, thats not me making an excuse for him, but that predisposition, that sickness, is the part that i can forgive., but he knew he was fcked in the head a long time before we ever met, and did nothing about it, thats where he went wrong.

valley, thank you i never thought of it like that, i just saw suffering in her eyes and my words were causing it,

thank all of you for your support, just to get a outside perspective is important to me, as ive felt sick since he called thinking i was in a way the one causing all the anguish due to stupid past mistakes,

tbh

not at all - you're doing the right thing. You just want him to prove himself - to do anything else would be to let down your daughter - even tho it would be easier for you hassle-wise. You're setting a fantastic example to your child imo, she's going to be incredibly proud of you when she's old enough to understand the situation. On the other hand, if your ex DOES prove himself, you'll have to accept that he's a right to see his daughter. Don't worry about that for now.

madser

Pub07 wrote: »

Yea, good idea, put a decision of this magnitude in the hands of an 8 year old. :rolleyes:

Just because shes 8 doesn't mean she can't have a say, if she makes the choice for her she will regret it because it will come back to haunt her in the end.

Pub07

madser wrote: »

Just because shes 8 doesn't mean she can't have a say, if she makes the choice for her she will regret it because it will come back to haunt her in the end.

Do you think eight year olds should be allowed vote in elections? You don't leave decisions like the op has to make to innocent kids with no life experience. An eight year old is not going to know whats right or wrong for themselves. If you asked an eight year old if they wanted to eat McDonalds three times a day instead of their normal meals they'll say likely yes. If you ask them to they want to drop out of school they'll likely say yes.

The op's child is not going to have an comprehension of her biological dad's previous disgraceful actions, how much a f*ck up he was/is and how much of a negative an impact he could have on her life. Her mother does though and that's why she'll decide what's best.

madser

Its the childs choice ultimatly, in custody cases the judge talks to the children and the kids are interviewed by social workers as young as 5, I'm not saying the mother shouldn't be careful and moniter the situation closely but she can't just say he's a dickhead and I hate him so I don't think she should see him, he may have changed and got his act together, if he's still an arsehole and messes it up well then she can say no more but until that the child has a right to see her father regardless of what the mother feels.

Its not an easy one, she should get help from family mediation services and only let him have supervised visits

LegacyUser

meeting him isnt an issue at present as ill be tied up before i fly out to england to meet up with him, and he cant come back until he has maintenance up to date, maybe i should stop signing for it now that he has got back in contact and give him a chance to pay off whats there already,

but why should i, thats not my money, it never was, it was to support my child and my partner helps meet those needs at present. if he were to adopt her then i would have the maintenance stopped but i cant see ex singing away his "rights" just like that.

i dont think my daughter can make an informed decision without knowing all the facts, if we had split up yesterday then she would have grown up knowing what was going on and could be asked what she wants, but at this stage she hasnt seen him since she was 2 and is looking at it from a childs perspective and thinking that he should be as nice as her dad and granddad, there is no grey area only black and white,

i think my only option is to communicate with him now, demand maintenance to see if he is working and can put money aside on a regular basis, judge what way his temperment is on the phone, depending how that works out over next few months, slowly leave him get back into her life, albeit by letters and phone, untill the maintenance is clear, I dont think he will chance coming back.

LegacyUser

Hi

I nearly cried after reading your post. My situation is similar but I have had no contact with my daughters bio father since just after her birth. All the times after she started school and asked me where her dad was I will never forget. I just told her he wasnt ready to be a Dad and she accepted that. Like you I have moved on and am now in a lovely relationship with a guy that is more of a father to her. As of late she hasnt asked but I wonder how things will be when she gets a little bit older. In a way it has been easier that we have had no contact as he had a lot of problems and children with different women too. Once or twice tho we have been in town and passed him only to discover him after hiding in an alleyway staring after us in the street.So it is his loss..if he wasnt ready to be a Daddy at the time ... I would say to have minimal contact with your childs father only to clearly outline that you have no intention of allowing him to hurt your daughter again and if he says he has changed to prove it. I would not introduce him into her life again without seriously knowing he had changed as a person and that it wasnt just to ease his consciense.

madser

I don't think you should demand money off him in return for letting him back into her life, your only going to come across as greedy, I agree that he has a financial obligation and you should persue that but not straight off.

I don't think you should go to England to meet him why should you put yourself out, as for letting your daughter know all the facts about him I don't think thats a good thing either, when she old enough to understand you can tell her, right now I think your doing the right thing by telling her he had some problems and he is trying to sort them out, don't bad mouth him to her as she will take that on and blame you for turning her against him.

Like Ive said before its really hard but let him do all the work and keep your chin up you and your partner have done a great job so far and I have no doubt that you will continue to do a great job wheather your ex comes back on the scene or not:)

LegacyUser

hi L, i cant imagine having to live so near to my ex, and to know that he took to hiding in alleys to stare at us rather than face up to his responsibilities, i know i was a stupid school girl, who didnt know any better, but im stronger now, settled with a career. im not going to let him back into our lives without him proving he has changed,

Madser im not demanding money off him in return for letting him back into her life,
im saying that if he is clean he should be able to hold down a job. If he has a job he should be able to send money over, im not talking a lot of money, if he said he could only afford a 20 a week, than i would accept that, but if the 20 stopped, then in my mind it has to be going somewhere else, A form of risk equalisation if you like. if he can pay hes not spending it down the pub, if he cant then the risk is where is he spending it.

Anyway its not my right to get money from him, its his duty to provide for the daughter that 5years later he says he wants to get to know.

madser

I just think you should leave the money issue out until you have a dialogue of some kind sorted out first.

It sound like he has a lot of making up to do so let him prove himself first, it would be easy for him to pay 20 quid a week and still be an arsehole, anyway do whatever you think is right.

The_Conductor

I agree with Madser- leave the money issue out of the equation at present- but what I would emphasise- do not forget your fiance and how he might be feeling about the sudden appearance of your ex on the scene (irrespective of how badly he treated you). Your ex is your ex for a reason, and is in the past. While ultimately if he a reformed character (and ask yourself does a leopard change its spots), you may decide that limited contact may be appropriate for the sake of your daughter- you have to remember that you have moved on- you have a decent bloke who you're engaged to, and owe that wastrel of ex absolutely nothing. You have a family of your own- you, your fiance and your daughter- that is what matters. Anything outside of this should be approached with utmost caution and with the interests of you, your daughter and your fiance foremost.

S.

K-9

worried02 wrote: »

i ended up explaining that he had a bad temper as he had something wrong with his head. and that he said he was taking tablets to make him stop being angry, but that mummy and daddy were going to take things slowly and leave her bio dad write to her for a while before leaving her talk to him on the phone, to make sure that he was taking his tablets everyday.

I think you told her a lot for an 8 year old. One question, why are you calling your partner her Daddy?


Has he adopted the child?

I wouldn't have said anything until he did write and started paying maintenance.

However, other than that, I would go with the advice of others. Take it slowly, only mention it when she asks again. He hasn't asked to see her yet so leave it at that.

Dave!

Difficult situation! For what it's worth I think it's a good plan to ask him for a bit of money regularly. He should have to demonstrate that he has changed and that he's serious, as well as that this is going to be a long-term thing, not just some thought that came into his head and he'll f*ck off again when it gets tough. Of course 20 quid won't tell you all that, but it's a start.

All the best to you anyway, hopefully it works out for the best. You've got the child's interests at heart, and you're being really smart about it all. Well done for handling such a delicate situation so well.

LegacyUser

Seanies32 wrote: »

I think you told her a lot for an 8 year old. One question, why are you calling your partner her Daddy?


Has he adopted the child?

seanies, why shouldnt i call him her daddy, what is a dad and a father if not the man who raises you, provides for you, guides you through life and protects you. He has been there for grazed knees, and missing teeth, from her first day at school, to her first heartbreak when the boy she liked told her he liked her best friend, to serious stuff like suspected meningitis,Thank god it wasnt,

And we didnt start it, she stopped calling him by his first name and started saying daddy the day we moved in together, A childs blessing on our happy family.

Has he adopted her, no not yet, Although we have talked about it, we know that it is something that is going to be hard to do when the bio father has to be consulted with, regardless of the fact that he has not raised her at all. His "rights" being interferred with would not go down well.

Thanks for your input Dave, I really dont want anything at all from him, but if he is going to start making a comeback, then seeing money coming in regularly every week, will prove that he is at least sober enough to have put that money aside and send it over before blowing it down some alley.

We still havent got anything in the post from him, so who knows what hes at now. Youd think if he was that interested then i would have got something 2/3 days later,

K-9

I am in no way getting at you or your extremely difficult predicament. Please don't take this as me getting at you!

worried02 wrote: »

seanies, why shouldnt i call him her daddy,

Because no matter what you, she or your partner wishes he is her bio dad.

worried02 wrote:

what is a dad and a father if not the man who raises you, provides for you, guides you through life and protects you. He has been there for grazed knees, and missing teeth, from her first day at school, to her first heartbreak when the boy she liked told her he liked her best friend, to serious stuff like suspected meningitis

Unless he has adopted her, he his not her bio Dad, no matter how much of a plank the bio Dadis. If you feel this strongly, ask your dp to adopt the child. Seriously!

missy02 wrote:

And we didnt start it, she stopped calling him by his first name and started saying daddy the day we moved in together, A childs blessing on our happy family.

I'm sorry pet, I feel for you and your situation, but you should have corrected your daughter there and then. It's done now, but you should have. You can't wipe out her bio Dad just like that.

missy02 wrote:

Has he adopted her, no not yet, Although we have talked about it, we know that it is something that is going to be hard to do when the bio father has to be consulted with, regardless of the fact that he has not raised her at all. His "rights" being interferred with would not go down well.

If the Dad can't be found, that is address etc. the adoption can take place. Whether you like it or not, the bio Dad has a right to be consulted.

missy02 wrote:

Thanks for your input Dave, I really dont want anything at all from him, but if he is going to start making a comeback, then seeing money coming in regularly every week, will prove that he is at least sober enough to have put that money aside and send it over before blowing it down some alley.

Completely agree just in case you think that my opinion which is different to the majority is just attacking you.

missy02 wrote:

We still haven't got anything in the post from him, so who knows what hes at now. You'd think if he was that interested then i would have got something 2/3 days later,

Agreed again, which is why I said I'd have waited before I said anything.

The_Conductor

Unfortunately under the law Seanies32 is quite correct- the biological father has rights which are not extinguished until such time as your fiance were to adopt your child.

Pub07

Seanies32 wrote: »

I'm sorry pet, I feel for you and your situation, but you should have corrected your daughter there and then. It's done now, but you should have. You can't wipe out her bio Dad just like that.

Whats the problem with the child calling the ops fiancee daddy? The child is happy with it, op is happy with it and the fiancee is happy with it. The only person who might have a problem with it is the biological father the guy who "went on a rampage, wrecked my flat, took my baby and said he was going back to england before leaving me black and blue on the floor crying out for help" and who cares so little he hasn't made contact or paid maintenance in 5 years. And the op hasn't tried to wipe out her bio dad, as she said in her first post she has explained the situation to her daughter.

The fiancee will likely end up adopting the child and even if he doesn't he has been her father for all intents and purposes and I can't see any negative points at all in her calling him daddy.

paperclip2

Seanies32 wrote: »

I

I'm sorry pet, I feel for you and your situation, but you should have corrected your daughter there and then. It's done now, but you should have. You can't wipe out her bio Dad just like that.

For what its worth OP I think you did the right thing by letting your daughter call your fiance her 'Dad'. I mean where else was she to learn what being a dad actually means? Any muppet can donate sperm but a 'Daddy' is so much more than that. If her biolological Dad has had no interest in it doing so for 8 years and your fiance is capable and happy to fulfil this vital role then go for it, imho.

I've been where you are. My ex was an alcoholic who played no part in my daughters life from the ages of 18 months to 5 years. I remember the panic when he got back in touch and yes I made him jump through hoops to prove he was clean and sober. All credit to him he hasn't let her down yet. That was eight years ago.

When my fiance, now my husband, and I first moved in, my daughter, at the age of six, asked him if she could call him Daddy. He was delighted and thats what she has called him ever since. She also has a very good relationship and spends significant time with with her biological dad whom she also calls Daddy. (Its very funny when she calls 'Dad' and both of them go 'yeah')

It works for us I think because she gets different things from each of them. From my husband, affection, stability and consistency and from her bio dad, I think she gets someone who she knows is in her corner but is also slighlty removed from the immediacy of family life which gives her a bit more emotional freedom. She also gets on really well with her bio-dads partner and his family. As do the rest of us. :eek:

This situation works for us beacuse from the start we made it about my daughter. My ex was genuinely committed to rebuilding a solid relationship with her and to my husband she has always been his eldest child. These things can work out but it takes time, effort and committment from all sides.

Best of luck OP

Sorry for the long post.

valleyoftheunos

I think you are so wrong there Seanies, and well out of order to Criticize OP. OP's fiance is the childs Daddy, he has been there and raised her, he has been a father to her. She calls him Daddy because thats how she sees him.

A few of my friends are adopted and one thing all of them have said is that no matter who their Biological father may have turned out to be, the man who raised them will allways be their Dad.

madser

The OP's partner IS the daddy, not offically not biologically but in the most important daily bringing up the child, do you think the child is bothered about paperwork or the law no. The biolgical father is nothing but a sperm donor, he opted out and relinquised his rights IMO.

I still think OP you should leave the money thing alone for the moment as it will just make you look greedy, which I don't believe you are. Yes he obliged to pay for his daughter, yes SHE is intitled to be supported by both of you and YES he should pay but see what responce he gives to your letter first, I bet he'll just drop from the radar.

The other posters are right, you don't have to have his permission for your partner (her Daddy) to adopt, if he lives in another country and has had no contact in years and has not paid a penny then all that will be taken into account and the adoption will go ahead.

Good Luck and let him do the running:)

K-9

valleyoftheunos wrote: »

I think you are so wrong there Seanies, and well out of order to Criticize OP. OP's fiance is the childs Daddy, he has been there and raised her, he has been a father to her. She calls him Daddy because thats how she sees him.

A few of my friends are adopted and one thing all of them have said is that no matter who their Biological father may have turned out to be, the man who raised them will allways be their Dad.

I'd agree, I'm adopted myself. Different scenario.

However the child is 8 and isn't adopted.

I suppose if the wee girl has no problem with having 2 Daddies and can differentiate between them, no harm done.

PS. Just on the maintenance thing, if the child where to adopted, the bio Dad has no legal responsibility to pay maintenance, not that it would be any financial loss by the sounds of it!

valleyoftheunos

Seanies32 wrote: »

I'd agree, I'm adopted myself. Different scenario.

However the child is 8 and isn't adopted.

I suppose if the wee girl has no problem with having 2 Daddies and can differentiate between them, no harm done.

PS. Just on the maintenance thing, if the child where to adopted, the bio Dad has no legal responsibility to pay maintenance, not that it would be any financial loss by the sounds of it!

I think the point myself, the op and number of posters are trying to make is that she doesn't have two daddies, she has a daddy (the OP's fiance)and the man who concieved her with her mother.

K-9

valleyoftheunos wrote: »

I think the point myself, the op and number of posters are trying to make is that she doesn't have two daddies, she has a daddy (the OP's fiance)and the man who concieved her with her mother.

And I think the point I'm trying to make as paperclip2 and others pointed out, she has 2 Daddies.

So what will the wee girl call her bio Dad if he comes back into her life?
Bear in mind this isn't a grown up meeting their bio parents after an adoption!

Some mightn't like the fact that he can walk back in like this if he wants, but if he can prove he has reformed, he has the right to see his daughter.

madser

I agree with the other posters that the little girl only has one daddy, a daddy is someone who is there for you always as has been said before someone who kisses you better when your hurt, puts a roof over your head and food on the table, the child sees only one man as her daddy the one that botherd to stay around and love her not the one who buggered off.

Even if you take the legal view, when a certain amount of time goes by (I think its 5 years) the adoption agency can relinquish your parental rights if you have failed to maintain or see a child which is the case here.

As for your point about what will the girl call the bio dad, by his first name I presume.

valleyoftheunos

I think you are confusing the issue by using the term "daddy" to refer to two different things. The Op has refered to her fiance as the Childs "Daddy" and the other man as the "Bio Dad" she has done this too differentiate between the two because clearly, they are not the same.

I dont think its appropriate for us to discuss what is a very sensitive topic such as this, in this manner, in a public forum any further so I wont be responding on this particular issue.

K-9

madser wrote: »

I agree with the other posters that the little girl only has one daddy, a daddy is someone who is there for you always as has been said before someone who kisses you better when your hurt, puts a roof over your head and food on the table, the child sees only one man as her daddy the one that botherd to stay around and love her not the one who buggered off.

Even if you take the legal view, when a certain amount of time goes by (I think its 5 years) the adoption agency can relinquish your parental rights if you have failed to maintain or see a child which is the case here.

As for your point about what will the girl call the bio dad, by his first name I presume.

What rights? There are no rights to relinquish for unmarried Dads, unless he is a guardian.

As for does she have 2 Dads, maybe lets see if the Dad does come back into her life and see what the wee girl wants to do? It's usually the best and right answer.

madser

Seanies32 wrote: »

What rights? There are no rights to relinquish for unmarried Dads, unless he is a guardian.

As for does she have 2 Dads, maybe lets see if the Dad does come back into her life and see what the wee girl wants?

He has the right to see her. Unmarried Dads may not have the same rights as the mothers but to say they have no right is disengenious.

He doesn't have to be a guardian.

K-9

madser wrote: »

He has the right to see her. Unmarried Dads may not have the same rights as the mothers but to say they have no right is disengenious.

He doesn't have to be a guardian.

He doesn't have the right to see her. The mother may refuse to let him see her as many in situations like the OP, have done, though thankfully the OP hasn't.

He does have the right to apply to court if that happens, for access.