Immature Fiance

LegacyUser

I love my fiance very very much but god he is so stupid sometimes when he is drinking or had too much to drink i should say. Its almost like i have to be extra nice to him so he doesnt turn on me ,never in a violent way, but in a verbal abusive way.
he wakes up the next day and he is so sorry that there are nearly tears in his eyes but yet it will happen again and the same thing apologies and we move on.

The Thing is no amount of guilt tripping or talking or anything seems to get through to him.
I will add that we are in couples counceling at the moment to try and deal with some personal issues we were going through, my fathers cheating on my mother had has an effect on our relationship and he has lost a sibling.

At this stage he owes people money, we're strapped for cash and its really playing on our relationship but instead of vowing to stay in he fecks off on a drinking session.
He can be incredibily selfish and i just wish i could find a way of actually hitting home with him so he doesnt flip out so easily when he has had a few...
He has let me down more times than i can count and he says himself that i can do better than him.. but i dont want anyone else but him.

He is so loving when we are together , yet if we're out with anyone else he will barely show any signs of affection towards me he can come across very cold...
im at my wits end , one to one and no drink involved 99% of the time everything is perfect i just dont no what to think anymore and am hoping someone could shed some light on this situation ??

Nevyn

I would suggest that you get yourself into an alanon program asap.
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

LegacyUser

But what about him ?? Pointless me going when he is the one that doesnt recognise that anythings wrong ? Well he does no something is wrong he just doesnt do enough about it cause he obviously doesnt think its serious enough ?

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

I would suggest that you get yourself into an alanon program asap.
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

+1 This is unlikely to get better without some intervention. Better now than when you're married.

Nevyn

Alanon meetings are for partners, family members ect who are effected by the behaviors of a person abusing alcohol.

windingmeup you can not make him change, what you can do is get help and support for yourself to help you look at the situations you are in and see what you can change and what you can't so you are as informed as possible when you come to making decisions about the relationship and how you want thing to be as you move forward in your life.

tbh

windingmeup wrote: »

im at my wits end , one to one and no drink involved 99% of the time everything is perfect i just dont no what to think anymore and am hoping someone could shed some light on this situation ??

sounds like he needs to choose between you and the drink. Although, at this stage, he doesn't - do you see my point?

Sam Vimes

i'm usually the one arguing on this forum that people shouldn't recommend that people break up but......

MJOR

Drink + Boyfriend = inexcusable behaviour.

Give him an ultimatum.... Get to Al anon or get out.

You don't need or deserve this

LegacyUser

Sam Vimes wrote: »

i'm usually the one arguing on this forum that people shouldn't recommend that people break up but......

Would you seriously just give up on someone just like that ?
Surely there must be soemthing else i can do other than turn my back on him ?

How Strange

windingmeup wrote: »

when he is drinking or had too much to drink i should say. Its almost like i have to be extra nice to him so he doesnt turn on me ,never in a violent way, but in a verbal abusive way.

he wakes up the next day and he is so sorry that there are nearly tears in his eyes but yet it will happen again and the same thing apologies and we move on.

The Thing is no amount of guilt tripping or talking or anything seems to get through to him.

we are in couples counceling at the moment to try and deal with some personal issues we were going through, my fathers cheating on my mother had has an effect on our relationship and he has lost a sibling.

At this stage he owes people money, we're strapped for cash and its really playing on our relationship but instead of vowing to stay in he fecks off on a drinking session.

He can be incredibily selfish and i just wish i could find a way of actually hitting home with him so he doesnt flip out so easily when he has had a few...

He has let me down more times than i can count and he says himself that i can do better than him.. but i dont want anyone else but him.

He is so loving when we are together , yet if we're out with anyone else he will barely show any signs of affection towards me he can come across very cold...

im at my wits end , one to one and no drink involved 99% of the time everything is perfect i just dont no what to think anymore and am hoping someone could shed some light on this situation ??

OP, I've put a few spaces between your paragraphs to show the list of points you gave about your fiance's faults/problems.

That's a lot of stuff to work through and he doesn't seem to want to change.

Regarding his drinking and it's affect on your relationship I think counselling is the ideal forum to bring this up as it is a mediated session where you can voice your opinions without a fear of him turning on you.

I also want to add that there isn't a huge jump from verbal to physical abuse if it's ongoing. At some stage, things may escalate to the point that physical force is used.

OP, I'm sure you love this man but you have to start asking yourself questions about where you want your future to go. Do you really want to spend the next 50 years or so with a man like this who will probably only get worse with age?

Do you think you deserve more than that?

You say that your Dad cheated on your mother. Did she put up with that for years? Are you sure you're not falling into the same pattern with your fiance?

LegacyUser

oh i dont no what to do . He said he will talk about it this evening with me , i brought up about the verbal abuse and what he is like when he is too drunk and he didnt deny anything he just said he will talk it out with me later.
I once believed that he would do anything for me and even thou he says im his no.1 priority i no that if he was out drinking and i asked him to come home he wouldnt. he would be more afraid of letting his friends down then of letting me down. He says that is bulls*it but its not cause sat night he had a go at me over nothing, didnt remember anything sunday and even thou i was upset , he just walked off to the pub cause he made arrangements to meet one of his friends there.
He thinks that i blow everything out of proportion but he cant see he is in denial.

Sam Vimes

windingmeup wrote: »

Would you seriously just give up on someone just like that ?
Surely there must be soemthing else i can do other than turn my back on him ?

you said that every time he does it, you talk to him and he apologises but nothing changes

he owes people money and is pissing what little you have away on drink, dragging you down with him. i'm assuming it's only him who owes the money, not you?

your options here as i see them:

1. teach him that he can't treat you badly when he's been drinking (this hasn't seemed to work so far)

2. tell him to stop drinking (the only other solution as i see it. this would help his money problems too)

3. don't be around him while he's drunk (not really an option if you live together)

4. go to counselling, which you're already doing

i don't know your personal circumstances fully but i've seen people suggest breaking up for an awful lot less on this forum

Dragan

OP, there is nothing immature about your fiance....i would consider that an insult to anyone who has yet to reach maturity.

Your fiance sounds like a typical drunk tbh, nothing every changes, nothing ever gets better. He can either sort himself out or i suggest you walk.

It will only be worse 5 years down the line.

Nevyn

You can't fix him you can get help for yourself so you can deal with him, that is why you need to go to alanon.

tbh

windingmeup wrote: »

Would you seriously just give up on someone just like that ?
Surely there must be soemthing else i can do other than turn my back on him ?

you're not turning your back on him, he's turning his back on you. You're not the one with the drinking problem, and you're not the one who needs to change, and I tell you something - until you realise that simple fact, nothing will change.

windingmeup wrote: »

oh i dont no what to do . He said he will talk about it this evening with me , i brought up about the verbal abuse and what he is like when he is too drunk and he didnt deny anything he just said he will talk it out with me later.
I once believed that he would do anything for me and even thou he says im his no.1 priority i no that if he was out drinking and i asked him to come home he wouldnt. he would be more afraid of letting his friends down then of letting me down. He says that is bulls*it but its not cause sat night he had a go at me over nothing, didnt remember anything sunday and even thou i was upset , he just walked off to the pub cause he made arrangements to meet one of his friends there.
He thinks that i blow everything out of proportion but he cant see he is in denial.

Why wouldn't he be in denial? I bet he's thinking "ah sure she's exaggerating. If things were that bad, she'd walk away". Why should he change? He has you, and he has the drink - and the drink isn't making him choose. So probably he sees the problem being with you, because you can't accept him. Sounds like quite the catch, tbh. Here's the summary: You've told him you don't like him when he's drinking. He's proved that he's not going to stop drinking. It's your move, as far as I can see it.

LouOB

There is no doubt that you love your bf
But how much can you love/respect yourself if you allow a person to treat you this way

Stand up for yourself and call it quits before you end up digging yourself in a hole
Just be thankful that you dont have any children at the moment
The choice is yours but Id say you will respect yourself (and he will respect you) more if you protect yourself from this drama. Its sounds like you have enough of this in your life without your bf adding to your woes. He should be supporting you when you are down.

LegacyUser

I suppose i keep thinking that cause he is only 25 (im 26) that he will grow out of it if i can nip it in the bud now.

As i said we are having a conversation this evening, TBH i think your bang on the nose with him being in denial and him thinking the problem is me but i genuinely want one last attempt to try and make him see that what he is doing is so wrong.

His verbal abuse could happen maybe once every few and far between months but lately its been every weekend for the last month so if anyone can help with what i should say this evening i would really appreciate it.

I do realise that i do deserve better and that noone deserves to be called some of the things he has called me but the counseling is still relatively new and im eager to see if it will shed some light on his actions cause something triggers him when he is drunk i just wish it didnt...

MJOR

drink does not agree with some people... that is how it is. those people should not drink.. you must ask yourself does he love it more than you.... If this is the case walk away.

tbh

windingmeup wrote: »

I suppose i keep thinking that cause he is only 25 (im 26) that he will grow out of it if i can nip it in the bud now.

As i said we are having a conversation this evening, TBH i think your bang on the nose with him being in denial and him thinking the problem is me but i genuinely want one last attempt to try and make him see that what he is doing is so wrong.

His verbal abuse could happen maybe once every few and far between months but lately its been every weekend for the last month so if anyone can help with what i should say this evening i would really appreciate it.

I do realise that i do deserve better and that noone deserves to be called some of the things he has called me but the counseling is still relatively new and im eager to see if it will shed some light on his actions cause something triggers him when he is drunk i just wish it didnt...

The only way he will nip it in the bud is if he wants to. The only way you'll find out if he really wants to is to give him a choice. I salute your loyalty, but you have to look after yourself first. If it were me, I'd say "look, this is your one an only chance. If you choose drink, thats fine, but understand that you have to choose me or drink, and you having both stops right now". you should be prepared for him to chose drink, but better to find out now, right?

This is not something you're going to explain to him by choosing the right thing to say or using logic, because he's past logic. The only way you can help him is by refusing to stand by and watch him turn into an alcoholic and make him realise how serious this is.

LegacyUser

OK the thing that is holding me back from branding him an alcoholic is that he is a very fit guy, big in to sports and if say he had a soccer match or something on he would never go out the night before cause soccer means too much to him and he definitely doesn't go out every weekend and never really during the week and there have been many night where we have gone out and had perfectly normal fun nights but the nights where he goes off on one are scary cause i dont no where they stem from...

I no he wouldnt ever give up drink, i no in my heart he wouldnt. which is depressing in itself but even if he could manage his drink better i would be happy.. more than happy .
Does this explain why i feel like im in a catch 22 ?

Nevyn

an alcholic is a person who abuses alchol they might only do that one night of the year but that is enough for them to be an alcholic.

His drinking is effecting your relationship and your finances and when he drinks he verbally abuses you.

Are You An Alcoholic?
Only You Can Decide
To answer this question ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honesty as you can.

Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
Is drinking affecting your reputation?
Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
Do you drink alone?
Have you lost time from work due to drinking?
Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
Is drinking jeopardising your job or business?
Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
Are you in financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
Do you turn to or seek an inferior environment when drinking?
Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Do you want a drink the next morning?
Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Has your doctor ever treated you for drinking?
Have you ever been in hospital or prison because of drinking?

What’s your score?

If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning
that you may be alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

Why do we say this? Only because the experience of hundreds of thousands of
recovering alcoholics has taught us some basic truths about our symptoms – and
about ourselves.

If you admit you are an alcoholic there’s hope for you.

Admitting you are an alcoholic may seem today like the end of the line to you, but
there are thousands of people in A.A. who can testify that acceptance of their
powerlessness over alcohol was not an end, but a beginning; the beginning of their
recovery and a new, useful and rewarding life.

A.A. have a simple, workable programme. It is a down-to-earth programme designed
BY and FOR alcoholics. If you honestly want sobriety above all else and are fully
willing to follow this programme without qualification, you have written your own
guarantee for sobriety.

Dragan

windingmeup wrote: »

Does this explain why i feel like im in a catch 22 ?

No.

It tells me your fella will go without drink for soccer but not for you.

Your making excuses for him which can be pretty trademark for people involved with folk with a drink problem.

I think he is not the only one in denial here.

courageoussteve

Hi windingmeup,

I'd have to agree with the other posters who have said leave him.

This is a destructive relationship and it will not do you or him any good in the long run.

To be honest I think it is probably already affected your thinking,
so maybe take a break,
maybe go on holidays with friends,
try and clear your head.

It’ll hurt but it’s the best thing to do.

I hate to say it but this guy reminds me of me.

LegacyUser

i wont deny that i am in some denial . I dont want to leave him i really dont . Is it wrong to believe that maybe he does love me enough to change?
Im finding all this hard to take in to be honest who wants to believe their partner is a verbally abusive alcoholic ?

Karen_*

Op if he puts drink before you then its a recipe for a disastrous marriage. You can't go through with it. It'll just end in more tears. You've only got one life so don't choose the miserable option.

Nevyn

Start by being honest wtih yourself and getting yourself help and support esp if you want to try and working things out.

tbh

windingmeup wrote: »

. I dont want to leave him i really dont .

Why? Like, what is it that he has that makes you put up with this?
Is there something you can get that you can only get from him? Or is it that you used to be happy with him, and you don't think you can get that from anyone else?

Is it wrong to believe that maybe he does love me enough to change?

No, of course not, as long as you have reason to believe that - like he actually tries to change. If you think he'll just wake up one morning and not want to drink anymore, then that is kind of wrong.

Im finding all this hard to take in to be honest who wants to believe their partner is a verbally abusive alcoholic ?

Of course it's hard - you're grieving. It sounds to me like you are starting to accept that the guy you fell in love with is away, and you are coming to terms with who the guy is now. It's of course possible that you can get him back, but both of you have to start taking steps to make that happen. If either of you don't want to take those steps, it won't happen.

You haven't changed. You haven't abused him You haven't let him down, or made him feel unimportant or small.

You really, really don't deserve to be treated like this. You need to tell him that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Oh God my heart goes out to you.

I was you, exactly your age 26 and in the same shoes, I would not listen, rationalised it all away, "tried to see patterns" in his behaviour, wasted precious years trying to understand him.

I pushed on and on with him, loyally sticking by him when even his own family had no time for him. He took everything from me, my credit rating, my looks (strain and worry takes its toll on you believe me) "We" bought a house "together", when I say we I mean I did everything, he sabotaged everything I did, cut me off from my famliy, shamed me at every event till I dared not show my face any more.

Mortified me with the neighbours, screaming in drunk in his car, was mentally, verbally and physically abusive, he drained my life and soul out of me till I hit that bottle myself.

I painted myself into such a corner I could not get out for years, thankfully with huge effort and through terrible problems I managed to escape, I cannot desribe to you how good that feels but how much I regret wasting those years....

My advice to you would be, if it is one last chance, FOLLOW THROUGH and if he makes a b@lls of that one chance (he will as sure as night follows day) get out, move on.

Give back the ring and get out while you are still young.

brokensoul

Thaedydal wrote: »

an alcholic is a person who abuses alchol they might only do that one night of the year but that is enough for them to be an alcholic.

His drinking is effecting your relationship and your finances and when he drinks he verbally abuses you.

I had forgotten that quiz - i got 19 out of 20. I should get a prize or something!!

OP- There is a saying in alanon. Didnt cause it, cant control it, cant cure it.

It is true. YOu cant "make" him change, regardless of how muh you love him. I do think you need to tell him that if he changes then you will be there for him 100% but that if he doesnt then you cant see a future for you.

LegacyUser

I think U should pay much attention to what ''IwasyouGuest" has to say.

LegacyUser

windingmeup wrote: »

I suppose i keep thinking that cause he is only 25 (im 26) that he will grow out of it if i can nip it in the bud now.

if you can nip it in the bud? honestly, why does every woman in the world think that she can change her man? he's a man. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. accept it.

ask yourself if you are happy for this behaviour for the rest of your life.

LegacyUser

Just my 2 cents worth.

I have no experience of a partner with a drinking problem but my Dad has a drinking problem. He would have acted like your bf seems to act when he was a similiar age (maybe not so much pf the verbally abusing though).
He had a good job, was well liked in the community, nice man all round. Didnt or wouldnt physically harm any of us.
But we never had a penny. My poor Mam tried her best, doing cleaning jobs here and there, spells in factories. Its kind of strange that it always seemed normal upto a certain age. I remember the day I realised what my father was. It suddenly struck me he was an alcoholic. I remember thnking back over my birthday parties, remembering how many he wasn't there for (at the time of the parties, it just felt normal he wasn't there, didn't even cross my mind).
His drinking got worse as the years went on. When I was in secondary school, he could be drinking all week.
Every single night he was out, I'd go to bed and try and stay awake until he came home and fell asleep. Once he was asleep that was another day over with no more incidents, I could relax a bit. He wasn't physically violent, I actually never seen him hit anyone. He might verbally abuse Mam though. They would get into an argument and I'd be crying upstairs in my room in the dark. But he'd do things like come into my room with good intentions and try and chat to me, without me understanding a word he was saying.
Its hard to get across into words how tough it was. Going into school after 2 hours sleep. Having friends sleep over (i used to always hate my Mam for being so mean in letting people sleep over, I only realised why after a few years). Being with friends in town and seeing him falling up the street towards you. You have no idea how that feels.
Now there were times when he'd give up the beer for a few weeks, maybe months. He'd bring me out fishing, teach me to drive, everything would be all happy back at home. He really was a good Dad when sober.
Anyway I'm rambling on!! They split up when I was around 18 or so. He moved away. I knew I was carrying around a lot when he was around, but when he was gone, when I wouldnt have to worry about meeting him around the town or him coming home late at night, a huge, huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I gained much needed confidence in no time.
I can remember my Mam getting me on my own one day for a serious chat. She asked me would she take him back. What did I think. I couldnt answer so I just cried. I couldnt bring myself to say I didnt want my own Dad back. But I was thinking, is she crazy or what?
Sometime in my youth I remember reading that alcoholism can be passed through generations and I promised myself that if I ever became an alcoholic, I would never, ever ever have any children. I'm not in my youth now and not an alcoholic but if I was to become one, I would not ever have a partner (so I like to think, I know its easier said than done, alcoholics minds trick them).

Anyway, I am certianly not going to tell you (OP) to leave him. But probably at one time my Mam was thinking the same as you are now. I can't say you would end up like my Mam did. But I really hope you get him to decide between you and alcohol now.

(i realise that was a total ramble and wouldnt blame anyone for not reading it! I can't even bring myself to proof read it so sorry for mistakes! )

BroomBurner

nonononono wrote: »

if you can nip it in the bud? honestly, why does every woman in the world think that she can change her man? he's a man. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. accept it.

ask yourself if you are happy for this behaviour for the rest of your life.

That's the worse thing I've ever heard. People can't change who they are, but they can change their behaviour, esp if they are hurting others.

OP, have you tried recording your OH on camera while he's drunk? Can worked a treat.

WilmaRidesAgain

windingmeup wrote: »

OK the thing that is holding me back from branding him an alcoholic is that he is a very fit guy, big in to sports and if say he had a soccer match or something on he would never go out the night before cause soccer means too much to him and he definitely doesn't go out every weekend and never really during the week and there have been many night where we have gone out and had perfectly normal fun nights but the nights where he goes off on one are scary cause i dont no where they stem from...

I no he wouldnt ever give up drink, i no in my heart he wouldnt. which is depressing in itself but even if he could manage his drink better i would be happy.. more than happy .
Does this explain why i feel like im in a catch 22 ?

Hi OP,

An alcoholic doesnt have to be a tramp drinking special brew or the classic secret drinker hiding the bottles of vodka in the press or any of that.

An alcoholic is someone who has problems in their life caused by drink and your BF has that.

He is also in denial, another classic sign.

He is going "off on one" every so often now, but watch and see how the frequncy of these episodes increases.

I am not trying to frighten or depress you but what you describe is typical behaviour of someone with a drink problem, yes its in the early stages perhaps but all the same its there.

The only thing you can do if he refuses to change is vote with your feet....

Turnip2000

Hitman from vegas will do ya a job!

Nevyn

Turnip2000 banned.

girl2

This is abuse. Thats the long and the short of it. And in my opinion it is only going to get worse. He is 25 and behaving this way...at the minute this happens when there is drink on the go.....its possible this will carry on through when he is sober, and its very likely that it will begin to get physical. It would be my advice to you to read up on domestic violence and how it progresses.

It appears to me that there is so much denial by both of you that this is simply going to escalate and get worse. I would certainly be of the opinon that you need to get away from him. For his sake as much as yours. He needs to realise that he has a serious problem, and that wont happen until things around him start falling apart.

Do you really have so much lack of respect for yourself that you will allow yourself to be treated like this? What is keeping you in this relationship?

You are young and you will find someone who will treat you like a princess, not the way you are being treated.

NO-ONE has the right to treat another person the way you are being treated. There is NO justification whatsoever.

(There is chronic alcoholism in my family so I know where Im coming from where the drink is concerned, and I work in an area where domestic violence / abuse occurs).

I hope you are able to find the strength to walk away.

Good luck and best wishes.

LegacyUser

Have you lost time from work due to drinking?
Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?

What’s your score?

If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning
that you may be alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

Those are the questions i answered yes to in one situation or another.
Its telling me im an alcoholic. has no one here on this board missed work cause of a night out or been to wedding and then the following night had trouble sleeping, or had pieces of a night missing cause you dont remember them ?
If this is true then im an alcoholic , me and all my friends and my sisters too.

Im depressed as hell today and i dont no what to do with myself. Im seeing my counselor later today im gonna wait and see what he makes of his behavior.
When you have built a life and a home with someone its the hardest thing in the world to walk away from and i just dont no if i actually want to or if i want to stay.
Is everyone elses relationship of those who posted here trouble free or am i the only one that seems to have such a fu**ed up relationship that EVERYONES answer is to leave ?
Im so confused.

Sam Vimes

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

He is also in denial, another classic sign.

i wouldn't consider being in denial a classic indicator tbh. There are two types of people who deny being alcoholics. Those who are in denial and those who aren't actually alcoholics

that sounds like "he who denied it supplied it" kind of logic. You could effectively accuse anyone of being an alcoholic and use their denial to build a case against them

LegacyUser

nonononono wrote: »

if you can nip it in the bud? honestly, why does every woman in the world think that she can change her man? he's a man. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. accept it.

ask yourself if you are happy for this behaviour for the rest of your life.

Why do they change in the first place ?

tbh

windingmeup wrote: »

Is everyone elses relationship of those who posted here trouble free or am i the only one that seems to have such a fu**ed up relationship that EVERYONES answer is to leave ?
Im so confused.

the answer to your question is yes, the majority of relationships are not like this. In your particular pairing, one of the entities is broken. They can fix themselves, but only if they want to. So, do they want to?

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

the answer to your question is yes, the majority of relationships are not like this. In your particular pairing, one of the entities is broken. They can fix themselves, but only if they want to. So, do they want to?

How can you speak for everyone elses relationships ?

My point is that like i said in the last post, judging by that test on alcoholism im an alcoholic too and so is practically everyone i no ?

Is everyone painted with the same brush ?

I really have no idea what to do its a very hard decision to make and to make matters worse even if i wanted a break i actually have no where even to go.. there is no room with my sister , i dont get on with my mother ..no friends that im even close enough to ask could i stay with them and no money to go anywhere else.
Whats worse is at the moment his sister and her boyfriend are staying with us and we havent had 2 minutes together to even talk properly.. he has apologised again and again but he didnt say " ill never do it again " ... thats what saddened me the most. He has never found it easy to talk about emotion related stuff.. its like banging on a brick wall..

LegacyUser

windingmeup wrote: »

Have you lost time from work due to drinking?
Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?

What’s your score?

If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning
that you may be alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

Those are the questions i answered yes to in one situation or another.
Its telling me im an alcoholic. has no one here on this board missed work cause of a night out or been to wedding and then the following night had trouble sleeping, or had pieces of a night missing cause you dont remember them ?
If this is true then im an alcoholic , me and all my friends and my sisters too.

Im depressed as hell today and i dont no what to do with myself. Im seeing my counselor later today im gonna wait and see what he makes of his behavior.
When you have built a life and a home with someone its the hardest thing in the world to walk away from and i just dont no if i actually want to or if i want to stay.
Is everyone elses relationship of those who posted here trouble free or am i the only one that seems to have such a fu**ed up relationship that EVERYONES answer is to leave ?
Im so confused.

Listen I couldn't just sit here and not reply. You're absolutely right. Most people who have have drunk to excess at some time in their lives could have answered yes to 3 or more of those questions and it doesn't mean they are alcoholic. I answered yes to 3 of those including "Do you drink alone! Occassionally, if I don't want to go out on a Friday I'll watch a movie and have a few bottles of beer or if I go out to watch a match on my own I'll have a couple of pints. Do don't worry too much about that.

What wilmaRidesagain has said "An alcoholic is someone who has problems in their life caused by drink and your BF has that...." is the real measure of an alcoholic. It's disrupting his and your lives.

Also please understand that only you know the real/whole story behind all this. You can only give us a snapshot of what your life is like. Your fiance does seem to be going through a tough time. It maybe a reaction to losing a sibling which I must imagine must be the hardest thing to go through (that and losing a child). In your time with him was this always a pattern with him or did it come about after the death of his sibling. If it was after; then this may only be a phase, but it does have to be controlled through counselling!

Do take advice from here buit it's not the be all and end all. It's not definitive. You have a broad spectrum of posters here with varying experience in these situations or in situations that may have similar threads to yours but are not of course the same and therefore may not necessitate the same response. You have a problem with him. Do not walk away from this problem as people are suggesting. Try and get it sorted. Give it a chance as you seem to want to. There may well be a stage where you have to say, that's it, cant'do anymore, I have to get out. So be it. But work hard to try and get him to see some sense.

Just saying; use here as a guide only. The people here are good to the most extent but they do not know the complete ins and outs of your situation (through no fault of their own;it's a forum and so is limited by what it can do; bit like trying to perform surgery using text to be guided by a doctor).

Anyway how did your talk go. Do you discuss his drinking at counselling.

I feel for you but please don't stress too much and good luck!

LegacyUser

I agree with you OP and I don't think you should leave someone you love even if everyone here is telling you to do so. I sometimes wonder if anyone who posts here actually understands what it's like to be in love with someone, considering the ease with which they recommend walking away from relationships for the most minor of things (not saying your situation is minor btw). And it's always backed up with words like "respect" and "dignity" as though that justifies everything.

Of course there should be respect in a relationship- but in my opinion if you are in love with someone you accept their flaws and try to help them overcome their problems as much as you can. If you do it for the right reasons then there is no loss of dignity. It only becomes undignified if you allow yourself to be coerced or used. Of course it's not easy to help people through problems that might take years to fix, but if you don't love someone enough, or are just too self-absorbed to bother, then be honest about it and don't dress it up as some sort of self-empowerment. I hate the sterility of a world-view that treats relationships like some sort of business arrangement that you can terminate if the other party has failed to fulfill one of your conditions.

Maybe I'm wrong though...maybe all of the people who subscribe to this view are just fortunate enough to live in a world where love comes along so frequently that you can afford to throw it away whenever it inconveniences you. I'm not some starry-eyed romantic, but I have enough respect for the love my OH and I have to know that it is more important than anything else in our lives- certainly more so than some set of behavioural rules.

You may end up leaving your partner OP. But if/when you do it should be because you need to and because it is damaging you too much, and if this becomes the case then you should do it without guilt because you did all you could. You don't want to now and I admire you for that- there is certainly no indignity in wanting to help someone you love.

I would not have the relationship I have now if I had walked away everytime I "should" have. My OH was like yours in becoming abusive when drunk. It didn't happen all the time and there never seemed to be any rhyme or reason in why it did, although like you I used to rack my brains trying to find patterns so I could predict his behaviour. It started off being a rare event and then started to escalate until the screaming abuse would begin earlier and earlier in the night, and until he started to become physically abusive. I probably should have walked away the first time but it was so out of character, and he had seemed such a different person when enraged that I knew the problem was about more than us- and I wanted to help if I could.

I'm not implying that it wasn't hard, or that I wasn't heartbroken every time it happened. It started to become self-fulfilling after a while. Whereas in the early stages he would be in tears the next day with shame, the more it happened the less awful it seemed. For most people the idea of hitting your partner, or screaming the most offensive and hurtful things you could at them is unthinkable- yet the more times you do something the easier it becomes. You have to try and (mentally and physically) protect yourself from this if you are going to stay, be it by not going out drinking with him and not engaging in him when he's drinking, and by telling yourself that the abuse is not a reflection of how he feels about you.

My OH had major problems though and had had a very traumatic childhood that he had repressed- and the anger and misguided self-loathing that he felt could only come out when his inhibitions were lowered by alcohol or drugs (rarely btw). I finally got him to see what his problems were doing to our relationship and he went to a doctor, started on antidepressants and started what is going to be a LONG course of psychotherapy. The point is that even though I kept trying to get the message through to him that he needed to do something about this, he had to reach rock-bottom to see this for himself. My best attempts could do nothing before this. I just had to wait and let him know I was there to help until he was so worn down by the anger and depression that he stopped challenging me when I suggested going to a doctor.

Your boyfriend is already getting professional help and thats amazing. My OH he hurt me so much because he hated himself and thought he was so worthless that he was sabotaging everything he had. He became convinced that his behaviour was going to push me away and the thought scared him so much that, because he couldn't stop himself, he tried to provoke me, just to get it over with and to feel he had still some control over things. He also, in his worst moments, hated me for loving him. He was worthless, I loved him, therefore I must be worthless too. Mental illness of any sort distorts perceptions. This was not how he truly felt about me and understanding that made it possible for me to carry on even though things were so hard.

Fast-forward 2 years and we are more in love than ever before because we saw each other at our lowest point and came through it together. We have a bond of trust that no-one could ever touch and I can't imagine anything that either of us could do that would be bad enough to split us up again. We don't drink anymore because that can sometimes still provoke repetition of past behaviour. We are both very successful professionally, are buying a house together and have talked about children in the future. I don't think either of us would be in the position we are in without each other. He believes that if I had left him he would be dead now since knowing I was there was the only positive thing that he could hold onto, and that he wouldn't have had the motivation to confront his problems without me.

And me? I can't imagine where I'd be now if I'd walked away. I'd never loved anyone like that before. I might have fallen in love again but I really doubt that I could have been so close to anyone else as I am to him. And I don't think I would have ever really gotten over him or stopped loving him- how could I if I would always have wondered what could have been if I'd tried harder to help? It was horrible and it was hard but the reward has been immense.

Anyway, this has beome book-like so I'm going to stop. I apologise if it's really patchy or doesn't make sense- too much happened to ever cover properly. I just wanted you to have a positive story to counter all of the negativity!

LegacyUser

"Those are the questions i answered yes to in one situation or another.
Its telling me im an alcoholic. has no one here on this board missed work cause of a night out or been to wedding and then the following night had trouble sleeping, or had pieces of a night missing cause you dont remember them ?
If this is true then im an alcoholic , me and all my friends and my sisters too."

Yes, but the difference as you said yourself is he "turns" when he drinks, loses control of himself in a bad way, do you and your friends do that?

As I said, in my situation I retionalised everything my partner did, I didn't want to accept it so in ways I joined him to make him feel better and normal, people noticed before I did but because I stayed in denial to myself.

Because I went along with him and wouldn't allow myself to admit the truth people avoided us both more and more, in the end it was just me and him and it was so lonely with only someone so unstable, damaged and eventually vindictive to "keep me company".......honestly it was the lonliest and most soul destroying experience ever, I look at those years as akin to being in jail. Total and utter waste of life.

Look only you can decide what to do, just keep your eyes open, try to be objective, I know its hard because you love him and he cant see anything is wrong, so when you are with him and hes being normal, its like a "holiday" from all the headwreck you have when you are not with him and thinking this all over.

I know it is enough to give you brain damage, make sure you keep in touch with your friends, it will get harder to do though unless things change, especially as friends start settling down and "the pub" is not the hub of things like it used to be.

Do your best to look at him with objective eyes, he doesnt see there is a problem and in your own words he will never give up drink, the life you have ahead of you if this does not change is going to be very difficult and lonely, Im sorry I know its hard to take that in when you are 26 and in love but sad to say life is short girl, you only get one youth, if I had mine again I would run a mile.

WilmaRidesAgain

I think the key phrase in the post above is:

<<I finally got him to see what his problems were doing>>

IF he can begin to see or want to see then I would say there is hope, if not..... well its your call OP.

LegacyUser

camethruit and corkbhoy thanks for your posts they were amazing to read and i no they came from the heart.
Its not that i dont appreciate everyone elses posts i genuinely do and to be honest if i was reading this and not as in love as i am i would be saying walk away too but its just not as easy as that FOR ME so thanks for taking the time to post.

For the last month he has been particularly bad and he hasnt, due to work ,been seeing his counselor and he is making an appointment ( without me having to ask him to ) to set up consecutive appointments once this work thing is over which is friday...so i guess we'll just talk it out and hopefully we will find a way to get thru this .

tbh

windingmeup wrote: »

How can you speak for everyone elses relationships ?

I'm not trying to say that you are failing at your relationship - I know that you can't help but take things personally, but really I have your best interests at heart. All I'm trying to do is give you an impartial opinion. If most people's relationships were like this, then you wouldn't have an issue with your relationship, because you'd know that that's the way relationships were meant to be. But they are not, the pro's are supposed to vastly outweigh the cons, and obviously they are not for you because you are posting on here.

My point is that like i said in the last post, judging by that test on alcoholism im an alcoholic too and so is practically everyone i no ?

I understand what you are saying, but those questions are not "say yes if you've EVER experienced this, say yes if you experience these things regularly.

Listen. I'll tell you how it looks from my perspective. My girlfriend is my best friend in the world. No matter what I do, I've always got her support. Her problems are my problems, and mine hers. If I ever got so drunk that I abused her in ANY way - I have to say, I'd feel like the biggest scumbag in the world. I would hate to think that I've repaid her loyalty and love by saying things deliberately - drunk or not - to hurt and upset her. I have to say, if that ever happened, the least - the very least - I would do is to swear to her and her family that I would never, ever drink again. If there was even the slightest chance that I could find myself in the position where I was being abusive, I would do everything in my power to avoid being in that situation again.
That's what you do when you actually are sorry - anyone can say they are sorry, but if they do nothing to change the situation, it's only words. You have to judge your boyfriend on his actions, not his words - because he's already proved that he cannot be trusted.

It's really up to you of course. Maybe you can learn to accept his selfish abusive behaviour when he's drunk. Maybe your boyfriend will buck the trend and grow out of this behaviour instead of becoming more dependant on alcohol. I'm not being sarcastic when I say that. But really, the ball is in your court now. You can give him a choice: For example, tell him how upset his behaviour made him, tell him you can't take the chance on him doing that again, and ask him to stop drinking for six months. Six months is nothing, and if he loves you, he'd do it for you. Right? If he tries to convince you that he can carry on drinking and "it'll be alright" then you know - for sure - that he is putting his own needs ahead of yours, and it's up to you how you deal with that.

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

You can give him a choice: For example, tell him how upset his behaviour made him, tell him you can't take the chance on him doing that again, and ask him to stop drinking for six months. Six months is nothing, and if he loves you, he'd do it for you. Right? If he tries to convince you that he can carry on drinking and "it'll be alright" then you know - for sure - that he is putting his own needs ahead of yours, and it's up to you how you deal with that.

+1.. this is very sound advise tbh

OP I understand how you feel Im in a bit of a situation myself (different to yours... no abuse involved just unrelenting jealousy) and Im giving it til the end of the year and if things dont improve I'm out.

LegacyUser

Just a normal simply happy life thats all i want . Every couple to their own i think many couples have their crosses to bear and in my relationship this is mine.

Id rather be the one that stood by him, remained loyal to him cause thats what i said i would do when he asked me to marry him. Through good times and bad eh ? This is bad but it can be good again thats what i believe...

How Strange

windingmeup wrote: »

Just a normal simply happy life thats all i want . Every couple to their own i think many couples have their crosses to bear and in my relationship this is mine.

Id rather be the one that stood by him, remained loyal to him cause thats what i said i would do when he asked me to marry him. Through good times and bad eh ? This is bad but it can be good again thats what i believe...

OP, that's a nice idealistic sentiment but I think you need to start seeing the situation for what it is. You are an abused woman although luckily he hasn't hit you but you are subjected to abuse on a consistent basis.

There is a chance that your fiance won't change. The fact that he missed counsellor appointments due to work shows that his priorities don't lie with you and resolving these problems for the sake of the relationship.

You can continue to 'believe' in your relationship and the promise you made when you agreed to get married but the flip side is that he made a promise too and he hasn't stuck by it. Reread your opening post.

You need to decide what is your breaking point, at what point can you take no more for your own sanity and your right to a good life with a man who doesn't treat you like crap and verbally abuse you after a feed of drink.

There are plenty of abused women crying 'but I love him' so you need to ask yourself if that's the type of woman you want to be because your fiance doesn't really sound like he's even half way committed to changing his ways. In fact he sounds like he's paying lip service to it for your benefit.