sad and alone

LegacyUser

Hi

Going unreg for this one. Iv been with my partner four years now we recently just had a baby and buying a house together but last week he told me he really likes another women in work who i know, and hasnt been attracted to me since iv been pregnant and thinks i still need to loose more weight. Hearing that absolutely crushed me and I told him I didnt want to move into the new house with him.

Few days after whe he realised I was serious about leaving him he broke down said it was a horrible thing to say and he didnt mean a word of it. He said he made the whole thing up and he's stupid. So we made up I said it was ok and were still getting house.

But what he doent know is that this has really really affected me I never expected him to say anything like that I really thought he loved me no matter what and I have this horrible feeling he is only with me because he is afraid of being alone rest of his life ( he hasnt had much luck with love before we met).

Its really eating me up inside everyday it comes back to me and I dont feel comfortable around him now. Im pretty bad when it comes to having confidence so as you can imagine this realy hurt but love him so much I just dont feel he loves me for the right reasons.

I lost contact with my friends when I met him as we spent all are time together we even work in the same building.The thing thats killing me is I dont think anyone could make something like that up,just like that can they? Its destroying me I get upset when hes gone to work and I have no one else to talk to about it.

RedXIV

Unreg and sad wrote: »

Hi

Going unreg for this one. Iv been with my partner four years now we recently just had a baby and buying a house together but last week he told me he really likes another women in work who i know, and hasnt been attracted to me since iv been pregnant and thinks i still need to loose more weight. Hearing that absolutely crushed me and I told him I didnt want to move into the new house with him.

Thats understandable and i wouldn't be impressed in the slightest with his actions. I'm all for making jokes and taking the piss a bit but even i would know this is a bad move. He's already lost favour in my books.

Unreg and sad wrote: »

Few days after whe he realised I was serious about leaving him he broke down said it was a horrible thing to say and he didnt mean a word of it. He said he made the whole thing up and he's stupid. So we made up I said it was ok and were still getting house.

But what he doent know is that this has really really affected me I never expected him to say anything like that I really thought he loved me no matter what and I have this horrible feeling he is only with me because he is afraid of being alone rest of his life ( he hasnt had much luck with love before we met).

You need to clear this up with him, and you need to do it sooner than later. If he's just with you so he won't be alone, it's only going to make you BOTH miserable. It's not your problem he hasn't had much luck with love, with his comments i can see why.

Unreg and sad wrote: »

Its really eating me up inside everyday it comes back to me and I dont feel comfortable around him now. Im pretty bad when it comes to having confidence so as you can imagine this realy hurt but love him so much I just dont feel he loves me for the right reasons.

If you don't feel comfortable around someone, living with them must be a nightmare. If he's aware of your confidence issues, he shouldn't have made comments that would affect it.

If you are worried about what he wants, ask him for confirmation. Find out what the two of you want and see how compatable they are as goals.

Unreg and sad wrote: »

I lost contact with my friends when I met him as we spent all are time together we even work in the same building.The thing thats killing me is I dont think anyone could make something like that up,just like that can they? Its destroying me I get upset when hes gone to work and I have no one else to talk to about it.

Well at least you know you can come here if you need to talk, we're all here, all the time, and we all listen. I'm sure any friends of yours of old would be interested in meeting up if you were to mention you just had a baby, get people back into your life, you shouldn't live yours through your partners.

Now here's the bit you might not want to hear. IF i was dealing with someone who i thought could handle a bit of slagging, i'd definitely poke fun, it's something i do. I invite it back by all means but i've always tried to avoid doing it to people who aren't that confident and on topics which would be sensitive to people. IF your fella isn't aware of your confidence issues, then i can be somewhat understanding. BUT if he did know then i'd seriously question it.

I realise that having a kid makes things alot messier but there's no point staying miserable for the idea of a farce family to raise a child.

Here if you need it OP

Red

R0ot

Okay this is a pickle to say the least. It's an incredibly tough choice, on one hand you can take what he said as serious and that just shows that he has no consideration for you whatsoever and that's really not the influence you want on your child, however on the other hand everyone is prone to a bout of utter stupidity at times, this may have been his time (I am in no way defending what he said, it was completely out of order). I swear I say everything into myself before saying it out loud but sometimes that odd nugget of complete stupidity slips out.

As sick as it may sound it may have sounded funny to him in his head, but once he said it may have realised just how hurtful it was and the fact that he broke down when you told him you didn't want to move into the new house with him shows some hope.

Talk to him about how you feel because you don't want to be in a relationship with someone with the nagging sensation that they might only be with you out of fear for being alone. You say you lost contact with your friends, well this is the time to break out that address book and drop them a line no matter how long its been they were your friends before and without a doubt are still your friends even though you haven't talked to them in ages.

Don't bottle your feelings on this up as they will do more harm than good in the long term.

Oryx

Ok, he said it. It was a horrible thing, but it cannot be unsaid. So, how to move on? He was probably being honest, and do you know what, thats actually a good thing. Because now his attitude and feelings are out in the open and you can both work on it.

He talked about another woman. At least he told you instead of going off and maybe having a fling with her. So even if what he said wasnt pleasant, you two are still communicating, and he is not hiding and cheating. He is telling you. So dont give up on this. Talk to him about his feelings and about how hurt you are. Once you get a chance to express it and be heard, hopefully you both can build trust and feelings again and become strong again. Having a baby is a huge change, and maybe you are both just going through a period of adjustment. Plus you have the house move thrown in. Another huge change to get used to. Give each other some slack for mistakes made, forgive, even if you dont forget, and see how things go.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks red problem is i really love him and we did talk about it and he said it was just a stupid thing that came out and wasnt true. Just hard as I dont know how someone could come out with all that without thinking about it.

I have no social life when Im not with him I dont have many friends now but we go out with people from work together, we live together work together...we do everything together but I never realised that was a bad thing I told him maybe were spending too much time together is there anything he wanted me to do or change about myself but after I realised I should have to change for anyone they should except me the way i am.

And yet I felt bad when he broke down I told him even though it hurt I cant leave him because I love him way too much even though I dont think he made any of it up.
My life is a mess at the moment Im sorry for writing this I just needed some way of getting it out.

lolly22

Oryx are you saying if you had an oh how said this to you out of the blue you would thank thank them for atleast not having an affair and for telling you and then move on.

Oryx

lolly22 wrote: »

Oryx are you saying if you had an oh how said this to you out of the blue you would thank thank them for atleast not having an affair and for telling you and then move on.

Nope Id probably take his head off and have a big row, and sort it out. I think that is far better than having an affair or hiding your feelings. Which was my point.

AngryBadger

I think your husband was massively insensitive, and inconsiderate to say all of that to you.

Can i ask how recently you had your baby? I ask because I'm wondering how things have been since? Seems a little odd to me that he would say something so stupid and mean completely out of the blue and then go back on it when he thought you were going to leave, (unless there's a hsitory of this kind of blagarding but from your post that doesn't seem likely).

How have you been yourself since giving birth OP? Before this incident how were you feeling in general? Are you msotly on an even keel, or even before this did you find yourself feeling down a fair bit, or going from one extreme to the other?

As everyone else has said, you need to talk to your husband about this. I think maybe you're jumping the gun in assuming he's with you for the wrong reasons, there's no denying what he said was cruel and insensitive, but maybe there's another undercurrent here, maybe there is some pressure since the little one came along, and maybe he's having difficulty coping with it.

Not excusing him in any way, just offering an alternative perspective on this.

lolly22

Thanks angrybadger.

Firstly hes just my partner were not married but i never said we were so easy mistake. Anyway baby is 5months old now. no he doesnt usually come out with things like that, thats why I was shocked Iv never made him feel unloved and alway fuss over him because he also has a bad confidence issue too. He has changed since hes been with me he has grown more confident with my help but I never knew he would throw it back in my face like that.

I never have expected him to help me with my issues and iv been fine with that im use to bottling things up I can deal with myself but this I never expected and really has put me on a downer.
I really dont think its anything to do with baby as he is a wonderful father and I belive we are good parents.When he said it he said he was not attracted to since just before I got pregnant.

I just cant understand how someone can say something like that and not mean it. I just wish I was a better person that he would not have found the need to say things like that.

Karen_*

Were u having a row when he said that Lolly or did he sit you down to say it? People do sometimes say things they don't really mean in the heat of the moment. We've probably all said horrible things at one stage or another and loads of it stems from hurt.

He didn't necessarily mean it is what I'm trying to say. It was horrible and cruel and you're shattered. It can't be unsaid. But its not necessarily the truth. He probably does think someone in work is goodlooking. And he might think Cameron Diaz is goodlooking too! But you're the one he comes home to.

Lolly when someone says something nasty it isn't because you have failings, its because they do so. You had a baby and you put on weight. Hardly the crime of the century is it?

DenMan

Hardly a crime period. OP why would he say something to you like that with a baby on the way (I presume it is his?). I am no expert at all but if my girl was expecting our baby I would be over the moon and ecstatic. Telling her that you fancy someone else from work is the worst thing a pregnant girl would want to hear. Just my opinion. He doesn't sound like he is serious at all. You said a few days later he made the whole thing up. Why would somebody do something like that? Have a bit more respect for yourself OP and look at your current situation. A baby on the way and a guy who lies to you saying he fancies someone else? He may not be lying to you at all, he may indeed like someone else or is getting cold feet. At this time in your life you do not need uncertainty, you need stability.

BubbleWrap85

Unreg and sad wrote: »

recently just had a baby

Why don't people read posts properly?! ^^^^^^^^^^^

AngryBadger

lolly22 wrote: »

Firstly hes just my partner were not married but i never said we were so easy mistake.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, my mistake, and i really should have copped that. I'll beg off by saying it's the end of a long week.

lolly22 wrote: »

I just wish I was a better person that he would not have found the need to say things like that.

There's nothing you've done wrong here, and this is not a reflection on you in any way. Whatever "reason" your partner had to say something like that, it's not about you at all, it's about him. There's no call to be blaming yourself for this.

lolly22 wrote: »

I never have expected him to help me with my issues and iv been fine with that im use to bottling things up I can deal with myself but this I never expected and really has put me on a downer.

Can I suggest talking to someone professional about some of this? Ignoring your partner for a second, what you're posting about yourselfa,d yourself in the context of your relationship, plus the timing, is it possible you're a little depressed?

Is it possible he's jealous of baby? I know that sounds ridiculous, but if he's used to having all of your attention, then suddenly baby comes along, and naturally that's where your focus is right now, (and rightly so).

Again, I'm just throwing things out to see if anything fits. And if he's used to being the sole focus of your affection, he could very easily be feeling a little abondoned.

Which in no way excuses his selfish actions, but I think that being the case would be better than you worrying about his reasons for being with you.

The two of you should talk about this, and depending on how well ye communicate with each other, it might not be a bad idea to get a professional involved. It could help iron out some serious wrinkles.


The last thing I'll say is that we often say horrible things without meaning them at all. If we're angry, or upset, or just having a bad day. He hasn't spent 4 years with you for nothing, he's obviously mad about you, but there's some issues that need sorting right now.

Best of luck with it!

DenMan

BubbleWrap85 wrote: »

Why don't people read posts properly?! ^^^^^^^^^^^

Your right BubbleWrap85, I didn't read it properly, sorry about that. Sorry again OP.

AngryBadger

DenMan wrote: »

Your right BubbleWrap85, I didn't read it properly, sorry about that. Sorry again OP.

I think bubblewrap needs to stick to threads where he/she has something to contribute other than burning people who're genuinely trying to help.

lolly22

Hey angrebadger no need to appologies was an easy mistake. anyway
i dont know wether im depressed not something Iv ever thought of. I
havent really got anyone close I just have my partner and baby so theres
no one I feel i can really talk too.
I dont think he is jealous of baby infact when the baby was born my partner was
was extremly over protective about it and was even telling nurses what to do
and while I was stuck in bed he concentrated on baby and forgot about me I felt so
neglected I can under stand its his first child but it really upset me i cried
in the hospital and eventually told him how I felt and he thought I
was being stupid and said thing would be fine when we get home
and then he comes out with this.
DenMan yes the baby is his I would never cheat on him and dont worry bout mix up there!
Karen thanks for reply no we were not having a row when he brought all this up
Thats why its playing on my mind maybe iv done something rong and he
just wont tell me or maybe I have become horrible since iv been pregnant
I dont know maybe its just all me. I just want him to be happy but this is all just killing me

DenMan

Hi lolly

No problem at all.

lolly22

Hi denman

What do you mean no problem?

marti101

Its his problem i know i had a baby 4 months ago and i still dont feel myself.It does sound like you could be a little bit depressed,see the dr and have a check up.If he does fancy someone else nip it in the bud now,did he tell you that around the same time that he told you he didnt fancy you anymore,cause that could be a smokescreen his way of making you feel guilty and justifying it to himself.Id get it sorted one way or another is there any way of not moving in with him until you feel its the right thing to do.Let us know what you decide,we are all thinking of you.

lolly22

He told me every thing in the one evening.
we have everything pretty much covered with house so too late to back
out now.
I dont know what to do I feel very much alone on this one.

DenMan

lolly22 wrote: »

Hi denman

What do you mean no problem?

It's very easy to get a little lost on the boards sometimes, and mix up other people with different posts. Sorry about that, please bear with me.

paperclip2

Hi Lolly and congratulations on your baby!:)

Apologies in advance for the potential rambling and wittering on in this post. My only excuse is its late on a Friday!

I think Angry Badger made a good point about your partner maybe feeling a little displaced in the pecking order at home. Just because he is in love with your new arrival doesn't mean he isn't feeling the change in your situations and if he isn't the best at coping or rationalising feelings then he may not be able to sit down and explain this clearly to you. He may not even be aware of the true nature of what he is feeling and so looks about for a convenient excuse for his unsettled feelings. So he's done what most of us do in circumstances like this and hit out at our nearest and dearest. In other words, you.

I agree that what he said to you was totally unnacceptable. As a new mum your confidence in your (undoubtedly lovely) looks might not be what it is ordinarily and a dig at you in that regard and a threat to go off with another woman might hurt more than at another time. He definately owes you a serious apology for that. But it could genuinely be that he really didn't mean it.
I know in the past that I have been guilty of saying utterly mean and hurtful things to my OH when I have scapegoated him for other things going on in my life. These were things which I didn't mean or believe for a second but I said them because I knew they would get a reaction. But once or twice I was taken aback at just how much hurt they did cause. Its almost as if I felt i could say stuff because I didn't really believe it but since my OH isn't a mind reader how was he supposed to know that?

Also a new baby puts a whole house under huge pressures, ones that go beyond the day to day issues of caring for a new little person. It can be that baby is a catalyst for your partner in looking at issues that have nothing directly to do with you, but again, you are getting the full blast since you're the one closest to him.

I think I've rambled on enuff. Best of luck OP and I hope you are getting lots of time to enjoy your baby.

Regards.

lolly22

Firstly appologies DenMan I wasnt giving out I just didnt know what you
meant and I know it is easy to get mixed up with every ones posts so,
sosrry again.
Paperclip2 nice to meet you and thanks a mill for post.Maybe it was a bad
time to post at but i stupidly got so upset about it yesterday while he was
in work and had no one to talk to.
It plays around in my head all that he has said because he is such
a wonderful man we had a hard time from people when we fist started going out as
he is ten years older but he was determined we would stay together he
has never treate me badly or had a bad word to say and all this came out of nowhere
I cant understand how it could be the baby's fault as he loves it just as much as
I do and I thought we were coping really well.
When I broke it off that same day he said we should still move into house as it will be
something we could give the baby and just be friends.I got even more
upset as it sounded like he was cool with breakup. Then next day he
broke down.
Its all sooo confusing.I love him so much but I feel like ill never be
comfortable with him knowing all this.
I feel so lost and alone....

chocciebutton

How can you love someone who treats you like that, you have enough to be dealing with, ie new baby, new house etc. When you have a child your hormones are erratic, so when things settle down, you might see things in a different light. If it was me I would walk away. Not only would he lose you, but also your child.

Best of luck.

DenMan

How is today going for you lolly? Have a good one.

lolly22

Chocciebutton I have been with the guy for four years now how can you
just stop loving someone just like that.Im just upset and shocked because he never mentioned anything like this before and I never knew I was making him feel like this.
I cant just walk away. Im scared of what will happen if I leave him but im
also scared of what will happen if I dont, especially with this new house.
There such hard choices to make for someone my age and its harder
when I have a child and a house with him and feel like I have no one else
to turn too.
Hey DenMan things not any better but not any worse either. Hes in work and im here with baby thinking all sorts.I know iv never had much confidence but I never thought I was a paranoied person till he told me that.
I hate myself now I feel ugly to him now I know its normal for other men
to look at women that doesnt bother me but he said he really liked this other person in work he even told me what he liked about her.Its hurting me because I have always made him feel like hes the most amazing person in my life and now I dont know if he really does hate me or not.

DenMan

Hi Lolly

Chocciebutton is right there. I know you said you have been with him for the past four years. Surely during that time he must have opened up a little bit to you. This is a terrible situation for you to be in. You shouldn't feel ugly or devalued in any way. If somebody said they fancied someone else to a girl with his baby then there is something seriously wrong? What about your own family, your parents, siblings etc, surely they would want to have you back with their grand child. You can't go on like this you have to tell someone, and your immediate family are the closest to you. Don't be scared and confide in them, they are the ones who can help you. Any problems you might have had previously with them should be buried, if not for your own sake then for your child's. He/She has the right to be brought up in a loving and caring home. If you didn't get that yourself then you have the power to change that for your own child, learn from your previous mistakes and take action now before it does get too late. I hope it works out for you.

Karen_*

And the fact that he seemed so cool about a break up doesn't sound great. He sounds like he's all over the place. You need to sit down with him and thrash this thing out. And you need to decide can you move on from what was said because if you can't there's no point in staying.

The things he said are big things and since they weren't said in anger thre must be some truth to them. This isn''t fair on you and no way to live your life! Is the house bought yet? If it isn't then put a stop to things before you get even more tangled up. I know you're young and I know this is all hard to face but you've got the rest of your life ahead of you and decisions to make. Don't make the wrong ones and then look back with regret. You've a great opportunity now to put yours and your childs happiness and welfare first. Never mind him. He seems to be looking after number one and he could very well be dragging you along so he doesn't have to be on his own.

lolly22

Hey DenMan
Thanks so much for all your posts unfortunatly Im not in a possition to tell
my parents and there all I have. I know I do have to tell
someone as the more I sit here thinking about it the worse it feels for me and yet I blame myself for it all but I dont know who. Thats why it does help to write it all down here even though I must be boring you all!!

I love him and I know he loves our baby and it would break his heart if he wasnt there for the baby every day but I dont think he could say all that and not mean it.

I told him I would do anything he wanted me to do to make him feel like he loved me again but that was probably the stupidest thing I could have said.

Im a mess I feel sorry for our baby

lolly22

Karen the horrible thing is I know what you say is all true it just breaks
my heart as I never expected in a million years.:(
Yes the house is bought were ment to be moving in in 2 weeks when our
rent here is up but every thing is signed for and all

RedXIV

Hey lolli, sorry i haven't been around, meant to keep an eye on this thread.

Ok, Karen pointed out something that stuck with me in this thread, The fact he is calm about the idea of breaking up and had no problem with the idea of moving in to "just be friends" with a kid, this does not inspire confidence.
I know you love him dearly and that he does seem like a good father, but there are certain rules that need to be addressed in a relationship and if you aren't feeling comfortable in it, you need to consider the option that this relationship isn't for you. Being caught in the conflict of emotions of doubt and love is not an enviable situation, but it's not a hopeless one either.

For starters, i distinctly remember you saying you were thinking about attending an impromtu beers recently. if you want to build up a friend base, use boards. Seriously, suggest a lunch meetup for you and some of the other ladies with kids. If ya let me know, i'll even show up and gush suitably over your new kid If you just want to meet up with one person, let me know, i'll even meet up with ya for a bit

If you really want to save the relationship, i suggest councilling for couples. I see no reason why this can't be overcome, if he wants to put the effort in. It may indeed be possible that he realises how stupid his comments were, if not then i REALLY suggest councilling for couples. I realise that you have confidence issues as well, but i really do think EVERYTHING can be resolved if you can both confide in someone and the professional route is the one i recommend.

Finally, things you need to know. one, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! nothing in this situation can be blamed on you, and i'm not trying to reassure you here, i'm telling you FACT! Your baby has loving parents, something alot of kids don't have. You don't have to feel bad for your baby, if you honestly love it, you can give it no greater gift.

Chin up lass, I'll be here whenever ya need me

Red

Ishindar

what horrible things for him to say OP and at a time when u are most vunerable and after carrying his baby. i guess everyone would deal with this differently.
I would not be prepared to continue a relationship where my partner didnt really love me and i would have to be sure of total commitment.
heres what i would do for what its worth. Seperate for 6 months with no contact but both of ye, wait for each other and no flings/relationships. he has to move job in that time. Pull out of the house deal. see how he is after the 6mths and did he wait etc.
if there was any bull**** after the 6mths id move on...

lolly22

Hi red
Thanks for the post. The reason I joined boards is to meet new people is I
said before I work and mind our baby and thats it,nothing else I havent
much of a life, which i really want to change.
Im glad I joined after all he told me as I had this place to turn to and even
if no one wanted to listen its definately helped me to write it all down.
Im on an all time low my confidence has been shattered the bit that I had but
for my babies sake I know I need to find what the right choice for us is.

Councelling sounds a bit heavy for me im only 22 and were not even married
a coucellor would probably laugh at us, but then if he really does want to
be with me maybe its something to consider.

Its so so good to be able to write all this down and get it off my chest its better than
sitting down by my self getting emotional anout it. I know I havent been
able to do much for him since baby was born im tired alot and yes I have put on weight
but im still the same person and I dont plan on being this way
forever Iv just had a baby. I hope no other women get treated like this.
Atleast what you said about us being loving parents is true I know
he is a great father and always will be but id just dread if it was brought up from a
broken home I had dreams for us that I feel are now ruined for good

lolly22

hi Ishindar we have already bought the house and he actually said that already that we could live there as 'just friends' for a while to see how we got on because he really wants this house but I dont see how that is going to work and was upsetting that he could even suggest it.

He said when I broke up with him that he would change jobs because he was afraid every one would hate him but I told him that was stupid as I would never tell people he knows, what he said because he is still a good guy and I would feel awfull if he felt hated.

this is actually messier than I thought! If I didnt have a baby with him
now or a house yes I would take your advise and get some space for a while and see if he even missed me but unfortunately dont think its possible

RedXIV

lolly22 wrote: »

Hi red
Thanks for the post. The reason I joined boards is to meet new people is I
said before I work and mind our baby and thats it,nothing else I havent
much of a life, which i really want to change.
Im glad I joined after all he told me as I had this place to turn to and even
if no one wanted to listen its definately helped me to write it all down.
Im on an all time low my confidence has been shattered the bit that I had but
for my babies sake I know I need to find what the right choice for us is.

There is no magic right choice here, if there was, you'd have been told it already. You can't try to chain your life to the ideals you imagined your life was going to be like. Noone's life pans out exactly as they planned, so what you need to learn is that there really is no right or wrong choice here, there is YOUR choice and the consequences that you can live with.

lolly22 wrote: »

Councelling sounds a bit heavy for me im only 22 and were not even married
a coucellor would probably laugh at us, but then if he really does want to
be with me maybe its something to consider.

People alot younger, older, with less and more problems all take advantage of councilling. It's there for people that need help and you need help in this situation. He's said he didn't mean it, you still don't feel happy with it, he can't do much more else, you can't do much more else, it's time to ask for someone else to mediate. And no counciller will laugh at you. That i can promise you. And i think you already know this

lolly22 wrote: »

Its so so good to be able to write all this down and get it off my chest its better than
sitting down by my self getting emotional anout it. I know I havent been
able to do much for him since baby was born im tired alot and yes I have put on weight
but im still the same person and I dont plan on being this way
forever Iv just had a baby. I hope no other women get treated like this.
Atleast what you said about us being loving parents is true I know
he is a great father and always will be but id just dread if it was brought up from a
broken home I had dreams for us that I feel are now ruined for good

You've just had a baby, lass, you've just preformed the godlike talent of giving life. you've done something INCREDIBLE. If anything you should be proud.

Also, i know plenty of kids that were raised without the traditional happy family and they are perfectly happy. Having parents live together does NOT imply the kid will be perfect as it grows. Having loving parents does. And you are both loving parents. Your child will be fine, i already know this and i think you need reminding. Better the two of you be happy parents and not together than together, miserable and as a result hindering your baby's development

lolly22

For once ....Im speechless! I cant say anything back as I know every thing you just said is so true.

SarahSassy

OP,

My heart goes out to you, you poor pet. I know if I were in your position I would be devastated too.... Firstly, you have done nothing wrong. One thing that struck me throughout all your post is how much YOU want to please HIM and for HIM to be happy. You are not the second class citizen in this relatinship Lolly. You have to take priority and to learn to want to be happy yourself and not through him. It goes without saying that we try to make our partners happy but not to our own detriment....

It sounds to me that you are doing all to make him happy and he is just lapping it up.. Some people are like that - they take and take and dont think of anyone other than themselves.. He sounds like one of them.

His comment that he didnt fancy you before you got pregnant is purely stupid... If so, how and why did he make your pregnant????

I can find no excuse for his words but its time to think about you - he seems well able of taking care of himself...

Personally, I dont find his words convincing. I cant imagine why he would say those things... He seems to be high and low and you are bearing the brunt of it... A personal question - was the baby planned? If so, was it entirely mutual. Its no excuse but it may explain things a bit better.

I think if it were me I would move into the house and ask him to stay with friends / family for a couple of weeks. You need some space and I think he does too before you can see clearly what to do next...

Its a horrible situation and I hope it turns out for the best for you but just remember YOU also deserve to be happy. Life is short. You have a lovely new baby to enjoy and you should not be made feel like this...

Best wishes,

SS

DenMan

Hi Lolly

A terrific response there from Red. We are all hoping that you make the right decision for you and your baby. It does make you feel better getting it down and getting advice/responses here that will help you make a decision for yourself and the baby, or at least try to help you make the right decision. Best of luck lolly. As Red said Chin Up, you have lot to be proud of and a lot to give.

lolly22

Hey sarahsassy thanks for your post it was so nice to read,I know
what your saying and can understand, im just that way with him because I love him so much and I know hes been through lot growing up hes 32 now and says im the first person he feels has ever really loved him thats why i cant understand how he came out with this im shocked actually.

I dont think he could look after himself and id blame myself if he did anything to himself.

Nope the pregnancy was not planned we were upset at fist because we didnt feel ready but I THOUGHT we were both happy with eachother and situation in the end obviously and sadly i was wrong.

He can be very confusing at times I mean when i think he was always asking to see and feel my bump and i always let him . but now he tells me he was unattracted to me and hated the stretch marks i got from being pregnant. I cant help that though if i could tell them to go away i would!!

Any way thanks again ss for your kind words

SarahSassy

lolly22 wrote: »

im just that way with him because I love him so much and I know hes been through lot growing up hes 32 now and says im the first person he feels has ever really loved him .

Plenty of people have been through a lot growing up and nothing justifies what he has been saying to you... I dont mean to be mean but there is quite an age gap between you and I wonder if he wanted someone who would adore him and build up his confidence and thats why he chose someone so much younger than him. BTW its not about the 10 years its about the difference in stage of life..

lolly22 wrote: »

I dont think he could look after himself and id blame myself if he did anything to himself.

Like what?? He sounds way too fond of himself to hurt himself to be honest.

lolly22 wrote: »

now he tells me he was unattracted to me and hated the stretch marks i got from being pregnant. I cant help that though if i could tell them to go away i would!!

This is so wrong of him... Stretch marks are a naturdla part of pregnancy and its his child you were carrying... Did his family problems involve bullying cos to be honest he does sound like a bit of a bully withe the nasty comments he has been making to you even if he is saying them in a 'nice' manner. You dont have to be shouting at someone to bully them.

lolly22

Hey DenMan, Red, SarahSassy, and every one else who took there time to read my post and write back thank you all. A problem shared really is
a problem halfed.

I didnt realise I would much such kind and caring people here.
Iv decided ill talk to him tonight when he gets home from work
I know we need a serious talk but im avoiding it and hes ignoring it.
Well I hope I can come back to you all tomorow with some good news
and Red is right no matter what I should be gratefull our baby has two
parents who love her dearly.

Sorry for putting you all to sleep with this!!! Take care and ill post
back to you all tomorow.!

Hopefully there will be lost of lovin and huggin
Lolly
xXx

RedXIV

Here for ya if ya need us kiddo. Will do anything in my power to help if ya need it.

Best of luck and i'm sure it'll work out for ya

DenMan

Hi Lolly

Hope everything works out for you okay. Don't forget we are always here on the boards should you need to get back to us. Best of luck.

Den

lolly22

Hi guys

Well unfortunatly things this evening didnt go to well infact not great at all and was very hard to stay strong he said we would talk about it again in the morning hopefully I can say something more positive to you all by tomorow im really hoping:(. Im a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment so ill probably just head to bed now. I just wanted to say thanks again to every one it helps having someone to listen.

RedXIV

You've started the necessary steps though, you've started to address your issues so be assured, you're approaching this the right way

I don't know the full story here so i can't give much advice but in general terms, stay honest, give each other time to explain points and be prepared to hear things you aren't going to like.

Wishing you all the best, thoughts are with you

Red

lolly22

Hi

Well iv pretty much told the whole story to you.Im prepared to listen to what he has said and will say tomorow ill change or do anything I have to for him but what scares me is the though that this whole relationship was a joke one big fat lie.

Thanks anyway
lolly

DenMan

Hi Lolly

Remember be honest and straight-forward. The best thing is to allow time for both of you to get your points across. Then you will be able to see where you stand and how the relationship will go from then on. Hope it works out for you.

Den

lolly22

Hey guys,
It seems I was pretty blind not to see that our relationship was
......apparently was one big joke, how dumb have I been!

SarahSassy

Lolly

We are here to talk to you if you need it. Are you ok?

lolly22

Where do I start?!
Well last night when he came home I told him exactly how I felt I
told him I couldnt understand why he said all this to me and then after
I tell him I cant be with someone who feels like this,he tells me he made
the whole thing up.And even though I told him it was ok after he broke down and got so upset I said it was fine I dont mind what he said and ill do any thing to change to make him feel happier (sounds mad now but thats how much i love him)I had to tell him Im not fine with it at all I get upset when hes in work wondering where did I go wrong.

Last night I did all the talking and crying and he just seemed to listen
and say it would be ok. But to day before he left he said we could try being friend living together but worst of all......... he would like if we could still have sex together once in a while.

Thats what absolutely crushed me.Has he been using me the past four years?

It all makes sense he starts getting really attracted to someone at work
while iv been pregnant and after the birth, maybe because I havent been
able to see to his needs Iv been tired and busy so much. Is it all my fault for neglecting him?
And yet I cant read his mind hes not a very open person usualy(thats
why I have tried so hard to make him realise for all these years how
wonderful he is to me) but he comes out with all this in one evening he could have told me before.

Does that mean he only wanted me for sex? does that mean our baby which we made together and even though it was not planned was not made out of love? Does it mean rape or just that iv been stupid enough not to notice the past four years that iv been used?

What a stab in the back eh?!:(

SarahSassy

The first and most important thing is that NONE of this is your fault... We all have a responsibilty in a relationship to do our best to nurture a happy relationship but there are times, like when you are pregnant, that sometimes the status quo changes.. You havent done anything wrong from the information you have given us.. Dont blame yourself.

Do you have any family you can talk to??? To be honest, I dont understand what he is doing here and am nervous about giving you advice on what to do next.... Lolly I am thinking about you and will see what other posters have to say and if they have any suggestions to make....

Sorry I am not much help to you but I really dont know what to suggest.

Best wishes

SS