"I just don't fancy you anymore"

eclectictrek

My friend recently broke up with her her partner after about 7 years. He told her he "just didn't fancy her anymore"!!:( Now when saying it there was no hesitation..just put out there..my heart goes out to her as now she is conscious of everything about herself and obviously feels like utter s***e!! So has it happened to any of you ladies? Im pretty sure its happened to alot of us but they have not been so honest Just curious..

I'd rather have someone say it and go, than make you feel like it and stay.

jellie

dunno if thats any better or worse than i still fancy you but just dont love you anymore..?

Wibbs

Moonbaby wrote: »

I'd rather have someone say it and go, than make you feel like it and stay.

+ 100,000,000.

JaneyMc

Thats nasty, I've never heard of anyone actually say that to someone, but there are ways of getting your point across , where you dont have to be so harsh. He sounds like a douche.

JaneyMc

JaneyMc wrote: »

Thats nasty, I've never heard of anyone actually say that to someone, but there are ways of getting your point across , where you dont have to be so harsh. He sounds like a douche.

I don't know if it is that nasty.
I'd rather have a reason, than be left wondering.

JaneyMc

But there are ways of saying it, without actually saying I dont fancy you anymore.

"I dont think we have the same connection as we used to" or something equally as crap but not as hurtful. Even "I dont feel the same about you as I did when we first got together, " etc.
Some people would take a comment about them not being fancied anymore very personally and it could seriously affect thier confidence.

Yeah I suppose nasty is a bit strong. There is every chance he didn't realise what he said was going to come acome across the way it did.

ntlbell

why lie tho?

just get it out there be open an honest it doesn't mean

"you're now uglier than you were when we met"

ntlbell

JaneyMc wrote: »

B

Yeah I suppose nasty is a bit strong. There is every chance he didn't realise what he said was going to come acome across the way it did.

this is probably the case..

most blokes don't know what they're saying when they're breaking up..

they open their mouth and crap just falls out..

JaneyMc

JaneyMc wrote: »

But there are ways of saying it, without actually saying I dont fancy you anymore.

"I dont think we have the same connection as we used to" or something equally as crap but not as hurtful. Even "I dont feel the same about you as I did when we first got together, " etc.
Some people would take a comment about them not being fancied anymore very personally and it could seriously affect thier confidence.

Yeah I suppose nasty is a bit strong. There is every chance he didn't realise what he said was going to come acome across the way it did.

Personally I would prefer the cut the crap, straight up approach.

Clare Bear

Man code for "You got fat"

Ah no, it was harsh but if that's the way he felt....God after 7 years though, the poor girl. Hope she's ok.

ntlbell

probably just the 7 year itch...

honru

Fair play to the guy for being upfront. He should tell her the honest truth why he is choosing to break up so there are no questions left unanswered.

Of course, it's up to the woman if she wants to take this personally or not. It is a bruise to the ego but the fact is they are no longer compatible and it's time to go their seperate ways.

Breakups are always going to be "nasty business" tbh but the most important thing is to actually do the deed rather than leave it swept under the carpet.

JaneyMc

Moonbaby wrote: »

Personally I would prefer the cut the crap, straight up approach.

To be honest, I'm normally the type of person who wants the straight up approach, but I dont know what it is about this situation.

Nevyn

Clare Bear wrote: »

Man code for "You got fat"

Not always, attraction is not limited to the visual/physical as the saying goes familiarity breeds contempt. I know of one couple that broke up recently and that was the reason he gave and it had nothing to do with how she looked in fact she had lost weight it was due to her being in his life too much and during that time displaying certain charchter traits which were far from flattering.

Also chronic co dependency is also not attractive.

Dragan

It happens.

Hell, it happened to me. Honesty can hurt sometimes but at least it is just that.

Niamho!

yeah...i'd tend to agree with Moonbaby all the way here.

After 7 years i would be hurt but if i was in his position i'd probably have done the same. Feelings are gone, they're gone. at least you wont constantly hope that theres chances of a reunion.

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

Not always, attraction is not limited to the visual/physical

I'd agree. I'll be honest I left someone way back and part of the reason was she put on a lot and I mean a lot of weight. She went from an 8/10 to a 16+ In a very short time frame. Now this wasn't because she was ill, or depressed or had a child or just the passing of the years or any of that. She got complacent and took me very much for granted. It came out as weight gain. Stopped all her exercise and ate and ate and ate. I brought it up once or twice as nicely as I could. Suggested doing more physical stuff together etc. Her answer? "You should like me as I am". The same woman harped at me to shave and get a haircut.:rolleyes: Now I'm easy going and I stuck it out, but every time I looked at her towards the end it was a visual representation of her complacency. I met her a year or so later and she was single again and was down to the size I met her first. Two odd years later, she was engaged and big again.

TBH I'd have the same issue with someone who lost excessive weight for similar reasons too.

Also chronic co dependency is also not attractive.

True. Then again people are so variable. I know one very compatible couple that live in each others pockets. They're joined at the hip and have been together for nearly 11 years. Of my male mates some like a woman to be very dependent on them others like the fiercely independent. So long as the couple are matched.

I think tact is called for with these things. Yes honesty is the best policy but it depends on your audience. Some people like reality gussied up in fluffy answers so no point being hurtful just because I may prefer a straight answer.

pookie82

Clare Bear wrote: »

Man code for "You got fat".

That's what i thought too. But not necessarily. It's very possible (particularly over 7 years) to go off someone and stop fancying them without any weight gain coming into the equation. people change and sometimes the attraction just dies, over time than due to any particluar factor. Fair play to him for being honest with her. So many women get dumoed and then sit on teh couch for the next few months wondering "why?????" endlessly until it drives them mad. Not the nicest reason in the world to be told, but at least he was honest.

Nevyn

I would say there is a difference between co dependancy and inter dependancy.

Ginny

Meh it happens, its harsh but thats life.
Its really doesn't depend on physical changes at all, I just stopped seeing one ex as being sexually attractive, he was more like my brother, although we talked and the reason we split offically was "we just weren't compatible anymore, grown up and grown apart yadda yadda" this covered how I felt and didn't mess up his head.
Oh and it was 7 years too.

I suppose it means I see you more like a sibling now than anything else

LadyE

Id prefer the honesty too...Im sure it wasnt the easiest thing for him to say.

Poor girl tho, best wishes to your friend.

kowloon

Better option than being strung along and cheated on.

cuckoo

GinnyJo wrote: »

Meh it happens, its harsh but thats life.
Its really doesn't depend on physical changes at all, I just stopped seeing one ex as being sexually attractive, he was more like my brother, although we talked and the reason we split offically was "we just weren't compatible anymore, grown up and grown apart yadda yadda" this covered how I felt and didn't mess up his head.
Oh and it was 7 years too.

That 'yadda yadda' is stuff that i would much rather hear were i ever in that situation. A blunt, simple "i just don't fancy you anymore" would be a complete head wreck for me - i'd prefer "i've changed/we've changed/life's changed".

Ffs, i'd even prefer "it's not you, it's me"!

Rationally, i know that all the talking around it is just "i don't fancy you" gussied up - but, being dumped can be such a wounding experience and it's a time where I think a little kindness can be a good idea. If I liked someone enough to go out with them, then i'd hope at the end of the relationship i'd still like them enough to be decent about it, and vice versa.*

*i'm talking about the long term, nobody's fault, no-one cheated, it just ended bread ups here.

Ginny

Well as far as I thought the not fancying him anymore was a direct result of us just being right anymore, we grew up and apart, and were different people after 7 years, I didn't look at him in the same way.
So in my mind if I had just said "I don't fancy you anymore" that would be me being unnecessarily cruel, when it was so much more then that.

Red Hand

It happens but that's life and life is just life-it doesn't have to be fair.

Latchy

Doesnt everybody male and female get the knock back at some stage in life ? Isint that what it's all about ? You have to have failures in your life to appriciate your success with oppisite sex when it does come along .Maturity has a lot to do with it as much as physical, emotional attractions

Abi

eclectictrek wrote: »

My friend recently broke up with her her partner after about 7 years. He told her he "just didn't fancy her anymore"!!:( Now when saying it there was no hesitation..just put out there..my heart goes out to her as now she is conscious of everything about herself and obviously feels like utter s***e!! So has it happened to any of you ladies? Im pretty sure its happened to alot of us but they have not been so honest Just curious..

I've never had this said to me. But I've thought about it and I think the direct approach may have been the way forward here. If it was given to her in a softened down version like- "I feel we've grown apart, its not how it used to be" - then this could lead to 'we can get the spark back!" type of responses. I think by doing it his way it eliminates any notions of trying to repair the relationship.

I think all you can do is be around for her a lot, shes going to have a lot of free time which she used to spend with her ex. She mightnt feel like it at the beginning, but make hairdresser appointments for the pair of you or a beauty treatment. Go shopping for some new clothes, basically do anything she enjoys and help her pick herself up off the ground again.

But if you decide to go out on the town, confiscate her phone

quinevere

Agree confiscate phones is a good idea

Recently been dumped and going through the stages and the last thing you want to do is open the can of worms again no contact is hard but should be worth it in the end - fingers crossed

jellie

quinevere wrote: »

Agree confiscate phones is a good idea

thats all very well until she wants the phone. its never good to argue with a drunk girl whos recently broken up with someone, they get vicious!