I don't know where to start.

benson99

Hi, im in my very early twenties

My life was good about 5 years, had many friends , felt healthy and had nothing to worry about. Then 1 day a incident happened and i fell out with my circle of friends, 1 of them began bullying me to a massive extent that i was afraid to leave my house. After a while i never left my house and thats when i started to drink at home.

As time when on i got distanced from friends at school and other areas and began finding it hard to look at anyone in the eye. I find it impossible to talk normally to new people i meet without shaking or looking weird. I went to college when i had a massive panic attack one day and since then iv had constant chest pain arm numbness, pressure tightness etc.. Iv been to the hospital twice and nothin was found wrong with me. I worry about myself all the time thinking im about to die, everyday of the week.

Iv started a new job recently and i find it impossible to fit in, im advoiding any situation to meet new people even lieing to my boss about certain things. If i think someone is looking at me i begin twitching and shaking. Today alot of water ran from my nose at lunch and after googling it some people say it could be fluid from your spine or brain. Im a heavy drinker and smoker, i used to do some drugs but im clean for at least 2 years, my life is a total mess. No friends and constant worrying from the moment i wake up. I dont think iv felt comfortable in any situation for a long long time. I cant relax and find it impossible to sleep at night without beer. I also find my appearance very disgusting, red eyes pale skin etc I just cant seem to look at people in the eye always turning away, i had a very close friend before and sometimes i would prefer drinking or doing something with him than going to the nightclub and chatting up a girl. Im no im not gay, the thought of gay sex makes me sick to my stomach, iv only had a couple of experiences with girls and usually my drinking messed those up bigtime

neways thats me , my life is a mess

Victor

benson99 wrote: »

Iv started a new job recently

That sounds somewhat positive.

Today alot of water ran from my nose at lunch and after googling it some people say it could be fluid from your spine or brain.

Or a nose infection. If you are worried, go to your doctor.

While at the doctor, talk to him about the drink, cigarettes and sleeping and see if he can make some recommendations.

benson99

Victor wrote: »

That sounds somewhat positive.

iv been forced into it, believe me i would much prefer be home in my room

Susannahmia

benson99 wrote: »

Hi, im in my very early twenties


Today alot of water ran from my nose at lunch and after googling it some people say it could be fluid from your spine or brain.

neways thats me , my life is a mess

I get that sometimes I doubt its brain juice or anything too serious , maybe sinuses or tear ducts or something. I went to the gp a while ago and mentioned it. She says its nothing to worry about and most likely sinuses or allergies. She refered me to an ent just to be safe. It was such a minor thing that I didn't want to fork out for it so I went public and am still waiting for an appointment.

benson99

Susannahmia wrote: »

I get that sometimes I doubt its brain juice or anything too serious , maybe sinuses or tear ducts or something. I went to the gp a while ago and mentioned it. She says its nothing to worry about and most likely sinuses or allergies. She refered me to an ent just to be safe. It was such a minor thing that I didn't want to fork out for it so I went public and am still waiting for an appointment.

some ran onto my lip and it was salty, and on the forums people said if its salty to taste its definately spinal or brain fluid thats whats scaring me, ah well im off for 6 cans of dutch , usually lonely evening for me sitting at my pc

Susannahmia

benson99 wrote: »

some ran onto my lip and it was salty, and on the forums people said if its salty to taste its definately spinal or brain fluid thats whats scaring me, ah well im off for 6 cans of dutch , usually lonely evening for me sitting at my pc

Yup mines salty too. Tbh it tastes like tears to me. If you are worried get an appointment with an ent, tbh I wouldn't worry until you get it checked out, the internet is full of rubbish.

benson99

ill give it a day or 2 and if it doesnt happen again i`ll not worry about it as that fluid stuff rebuilds up daily anyways , but thanks for your reply means alot

lolly22

I agree I had same experience and was told by gp it could be sinuses.

But definately if your worried theres no better person to ask than your gp.

Chin up OP. Its good start getting a job you will meet new people maybe start a hobby/interest you think you will might be good at so you will meet a new group of people and start again im not saying its easy but it can be done.
Lotsa lovin and huggin
Lolly:)

lolly22

Ps. You have friends here now:D

benson99

theres live poker games here tonight in the pub so i think i`ll go down and play even though i dont no the people there

poker is one of the few things in life i actually enjoy , its not the money that gets me , its the passion and raw skill of the game and improving means alot to me , to try make a name for myself.

Susannahmia

benson99 wrote: »

ill give it a day or 2 and if it doesnt happen again i`ll not worry about it as that fluid stuff rebuilds up daily anyways , but thanks for your reply means alot

Just so you know, I get mine for a few weeks and then it just disappears.

Karen_*

Benson nothing changes if nothing changes. You are deeply unhappy with life and being bullied is a horrible experience which takes away your self esteem.

No one can ever be harder on you than you are on yourself and you seem to despise yourself. You can't go on the way you are.

I wish I could say something or offer a magical solution to your problems but I can't. I can however advise you to go see a counsellor. You need to talk about how you're feeling and find ways to overcome your panic. There is loads and loads of help out there. You can help yourself too, to feel better about yourself. Take up a sport. Find something your interested in and go along to a group with the same interest. Try not to think about how people will perceive you. Everyones battling through this life. We all have our own insecurites and hang ups, not just you.

Drink will solve nothing at all. There has never been a problem that is solved by drinking or gets better by drinking. There are meet ups on the boards. Why not come along to one of them and get to know some people? You're as good as everyone else you know. And you've got your whole life ahead of you and you can choose it to be different. No miracle cure over night but do you not think you're worth the effort?

lolly22

Brilliant. That great positive attitude suits you better;)
Enjoy the game


Best of luck OP:)

benson99

Karen_* wrote: »

Why not come along to one of them and get to know some people? You're as good as everyone else you know. And you've got your whole life ahead of you and you can choose it to be different. No miracle cure over night but do you not think you're worth the effort?

i dont think you understand how deep this goes with me , when i pass random people on the street everyday i look at them , think to myself about them , then go to the edge of the footpath so i no i`ll 100% avoid them, there is even a sence of relief them i pass them.. even buying things in a shop, if i bring home beer or smokes from the shop i`ll hide them from flat mates, i wont eat and cant eat in public , there is so much wrong with me and it gets worse every day

recently i tried to get to no some old friends and i got beat up for no reason

km_corrigan

what was the accident that happened five years ago?

Karen_*

I do realise how deep this goes for you Benson. I found your original post very distressing and I'm really concerned for you as, I'm sure is anyone who reads it. And we do care about you and I'm sure it feels like noone understands but there's loads of people feel exactly like you do. What I'm trying to say is that your life doesn't have to always be a mess. Its fixable with some effort on your part. You sound like you have major panic attacks and a real fear of other people and I'm not suprised with the way you've been treated. Not everyone is a bully though and you have as much right to live a happy life as everyone else does.

You do want things to change don't you? Have you anyone you can talk to? Your parents or a relative? You can't fix things all by yourself. You need some help. Everyone needs some help from time to time

benson99

km_corrigan wrote: »

what was the accident that happened five years ago?

i was drunk with friends , guards stopped us and i dont no how or why i gave the guys name because i was totally street wise back then

even back then after the incident i remmeber have chest pain and similar things. i was on top of the world i loved me and i loved life. I have never ever contemplated suicide and i no i never will , i no im a strong person but it just feels like theres a switch turned on in my brain and its impossible to turn off.

lolly22

Op im so sorry I didnt realise you felt things were that bad.
Listen Being bullied or beatin is not a nice experience at all
I know what its like. But in my experience I found it a huge weight
of my shoulders having someone to talk to about it. Do you think you
could speak to someone? Do you get on with the people you live with
or do you think you might feel more comfortable finding somewhere else?
Youve done the first step writing about it here and you will see your
not alone and hopefully find real friends from this.
From being bullied and feeling paranoined myself all I can tell you
is not to bottle it all up or think the drink will make it go away
because it wont.
I hope this helps in anyway
Lolly

km_corrigan

sounds like your friends back then are not the desirable type if the guards were involved. So they probably think your a squealer. Maybe it was a good thing getting away from then. Try to look at it like that.

Looby_Loo

OP, you have just taken an important first step by writing down what is happening to you.
The symptoms of anxiety you are feeling are debilitating- especially the panic attacks but it is important that you realise that they can be treated.
Is there anyone you trust that you can talk to?
Is going to your GP an option?, a good GP will access all the services that you need

benson99

if i met the guy who did this to me i would have no hesitation is putting a knife through his forehead if i could get away with it, if i saw someone i didnt no getting mugged or pushed on the street i would try to protect them.. i dont no if that any sence but i really worry about my family sometimes and if one of them died i no that would be the end of me. I no thats abit random and u might think im a crazy guy but im the total opposite , i would never hit somebody and if somebody did something bad to me i would forget about it, such as steal or sumtin like that.

neways talking has been good.

benson99

Looby_Loo wrote: »

OP, you have just taken an important first step by writing down what is happening to you.
The symptoms of anxiety you are feeling are debilitating- especially the panic attacks but it is important that you realise that they can be treated.
Is there anyone you trust that you can talk to?
Is going to your GP an option?, a good GP will access all the services that you need

only time i got panic attacks was late at night trying to get asleep but i have sorted that now i just get up and have a smoke relax and go to bed. The worst one i ever had was the first one , it was on a bus, i paid a taxi driver 60 euros to take me to a hospital , of course nothin was wrong. I dont ride buses anymore and i dont want all those faces looking at me.

i got constant chest tightness , pain whatever u want to put it 70% of the day but it doesnt bother me , its my mind that does.

lolly22

You cant deal with this alone. Its good that your getting it off your chest here but is there anyone else you can speak to? Anyone you feel comfortable talking to like gp or any family member?

benson99

lolly22 wrote: »

You cant deal with this alone. Its good that your getting it off your chest here but is there anyone else you can speak to? Anyone you feel comfortable talking to like gp or any family member?

there is no1 i live 300 miles from home with no1 i no around me

km_corrigan

where do you live. Maybe you could attend one of the boards beers.

lolly22

Ok so would a gp be an option you would be willing to think about?

benson99

dublin area
there was this one guy on my course who used to be in a mental hospital and he openly admitted being on drugs to help him. This was pretty recently , people used to make fun of him and i got to no one guy in my class really well and really enjoyed his company. But one day he said something about the guy who used to be ill and i lost it with him saying its not his fault, even tho i appeared totally normal to my "close friend" its just weird how my mind works.
i was the only one to speak to this ill guy and try to help him with his studies because i felt like i knew where he was coming from. Btw thanks for all the replys its really great

benson99

lolly22 wrote: »

Ok so would a gp be an option you would be willing to think about?

yes i will visit a doctor soon but once i touch a beer it seems everything is normal again its like going from rock bottom to really good. Even 1 beer does it, i used to drink 6-8 cans on alot of nights but now its gone to about 14
i no its not doing my any good but it does offer from relief from my pain

lolly22

Think about the gp option but Thats good your in the dublin area theres boards meet ups you should try make it to one. get to know new people. Just remember your not alone and plenty of people here who will listen

Karen_*

Come along to the ghost bus tour next week Benson? There's a few of us on here going and we'll have a giggle at it:D

lolly22

Hey no worries I can understand that but remember any time you feel like drinking a few you know now you can come on here and talk and distract yourself ill try not to bore you:)

benson99

there is no chance i would even comtemplating going without 6 cans in me, im paranoid as hell. Hopefully doctor can give me some help with maybe pills

I just hate how my life used to be so great and i was so respected now i lie to people i no about where i was on the weekend , when infact i was at home looking at my computer drinking alone

lolly22

Benson99 your doing a good job already your saying you will go to gp and you know you want the better life that you had so it will take time but you will have it. writing it all done will be a help. you'll be ok and good luck with gp.
Only my advise but try and distract yourself from that drink its not doing you any favours look after yourself.

benson99

thank u man and thank you all
feels good some people realise the way i feel, i thought in my mind no1 else feels half as bad as i do day in day out.

KrazyLikeafox

Hi Benson..

There are a few things you can try...

But its all got to do with your "thinking" or your state of mind... You would be surprised how much your mind can affect you not just mentally but also physically..

With relation to the bullys first, any bully i knew in school turned out to be a complete loser. I was never really bullied myself, they tried it but i just pushed them aside and told them to politely Pi*s off and grow up.. I know this is not always the case. But I knew who used to bully poeple and they turned out to be complete losers. And they havnt changed a bit since they were in school. Its like they are stuck in 1985 and cant get out of it
Anyway, try think of it that way.. those guys that bullied you are probably the same, and they you are getting on with your life that sure to be sucessful...

I woulldnt worry about what other people think of you at the moment. Noone is actually looking at you, so dont worry, they may glance at you if your tripping over your Ar*se to avoid them but just act casual and noone will lift an eyelid... Anyway the people that know you, are the ones that count, not strangers. Just get on with things, wear a smile when you walk down the street, you might find people will smile back,, (but hopefully not the guys as Im aware of your views there )

There is nothing wrong with you physically, that salt thing is prob just a thin lining between your tear duct, just ignore it for now, if it happens again a few times, go to the doc he'll confirm what it is. Now if you had fluid gushing from your eyes ears and nose and tripping over pavements, id say theres something wrong, but your grand.. I think that you think there is more wrong with you than just that... Well its not true, its your state of mind thats giving you chest pains etc, so you just need to change that..
You sound like a worrier, well let me just say dont take life to seriously. After all we are only on this world for a visit, enjoy it... Serious things happen to everyone in their lives and we need to deal with that at the time... Everything else is a blast Seriously enjoy it, dont be moaning, and just see the positive in everything...

I dont mean to sound like a preacher, I jsut wanted to pass on my thoughts on the matter.

Good luck with the new job, and go out and enjoy yourself... dont drink at home, its boring...

benson99

thank you, your post made me smile and giggle

KrazyLikeafox

See thats all you have to do, start smiling again

eventually the rest of your body will catch on..

So I also read you were kind of forced into the job you are in, if you like it stay with it man. If not, just tag along with it until somtrhing new comes along. You could even get a job that you like... take the job that you want to do, and you see yourslef happy in. If the people that forced you to do this job, are unhappy, just try ignore them for the moment, and eventually after a while when you are happier they will realise its the best decision...

benson99

yep
i no any sort of daily routine is good for the body and mind. Its not that i dislike my job, im a IT person and it involves alot of that. Its the fact i need to visit strangers i dont no everyday and help them with there computers.

Iv been working with computers for about 10 years and i really enjoy them.

Neways man ur post was great and really appealed to me. So thank you

KrazyLikeafox

Thats good to hear dude

I worked in IT myself for years. I worked office jobs where I dodnt interact with people, but then i changed to a job meeting people also, and loved it, I found it nice to interract with people, everyone is different and interesting in their own way.
Although if you get grief from your customers its always a tricky job, so you can always move on to an office based job, you might find it better..

its not that you dont know how to interact with people, its just again that your mind is working overtime thinking about what they are thinging of you... your there to help them, and most people know and appreciate that. There will always be a few people that make you feel as welcome as a bad dose of diahorea in a transatlantic crossing in a one-man kayak. But screw 'em. let them wallow in their own pessism( i take a little pleasure in knowing that these people are missing out on life and just go through life with a chip on their shoulder) let em off i say, go, do the job, and move on, finish up and go for a drink (with mates only allowed ) no sixer of dutch gold and 20 bennies on your own for the night)..

benson99

KrazyLikeafox wrote: »

no sixer of dutch gold and 20 bennies on your own for the night)..

reading my mind

Wurly

Hi OP,

A few points in your post struck a chord with me. You say you love going to poker for the thrill and the ability to improve. What else do you like? What else would give you a thrill and a sense of achievement? What have you always wanted to try? I think this is the key to you feeling better in yourself. When you are feeling good, it resonates with the people around you. It's all about how you carry yourself and what you think of yourself.

Its good that you think of this frame of mind you're in as a 'switch'. Now you just have to find a way to turn this switch off.

A lot of the drinking and smoking could be to do with boredom more than anything else. Its comfortable being at home away from potential hurt and upset outside. But its no way to live.

Having been bullied myself and being treated like excrement by a past circle of 'friends', I see what your saying. I understand the effect this can have. Now when I look back, there is not one of those people I would be friends with again. The friends I have in my life now, I would not trade for the world. It takes time to make friends. I met them in a variety of different places. I kept an open mind and I was true to myself.

With regards to your appearance, well my ex boyfriend had red hair and he was really paranoid about it. I thought he was gorgeous. Sure - some days I look in the mirror and see my dark circles, my pale skin and I think - oh christ. Then I stop myself and say, hold on a minute. Would I talk to my friend in that way. Answer is always no. So I accept my dark circles and my pale skin. I wouldn't be Tri without them.:D

OP it really is how you talk to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would a good friend. You are worth just as much as anyone else on this earth. You are no better and no worse than anyone else. You've made mistakes, so have I - so has everyone else on this forum.

As im finding out, your 20's are a vibrant and exciting time. They shape your personality and you grow emotionally in a huge way. Are you willing to wake up at 35 still sitting at home smoking and drinking dutch gold alone?

Start by putting pen to paper and make a list of the things you are good at, the things that give you a thrill, the things you'd like to try and go do these things! What is the worst that can happen? It cannot be any worse than the situation you find yourself in now. Don't let the bullies win. Pull yourself back up and regain your control over your life. And remember this, no matter WHAT you do, 50% will agree with you, 50% wont. Moral of that statement? You can't please all the people all the time - so don't even try. It's exhausting and unnecessary. Please yourself.

Lastly, come to the next boards beers and meet some new people. I went last saturday night and had a fabulous time. I was nervous as hell but I soon settled in. Met some truly amazing people. You owe it to yourself to start having FUN!!

I wish you all the best OP and sure il hopefully see you at the next beers.:cool:

Tri.x

Miss Fluff

benson99 wrote: »

yes i will visit a doctor soon but once i touch a beer it seems everything is normal again its like going from rock bottom to really good. Even 1 beer does it, i used to drink 6-8 cans on alot of nights but now its gone to about 14
i no its not doing my any good but it does offer from relief from my pain

Am I reading your post right? You drink 14 cans a night? If that's the case then a HUGE number of every single one of your problems that you mention, from anxiety to paranoia to chest pain to social phobia are in some part at least, attributable to your drinking problem. I'd recommend you get yourself to a GP in the morning OP. You have the ability to change things and change them for the better but I do think professional help would be of huge benefit to you at this juncture.

58chainsaws

ok first post so here goes.... and your not gonna like it op....
you recieved great advice by people that are clearly worried about you and rightly so...
but the truth of the matter is you dont need an arm around the shoulder or a hug or people telling you to stand up to bullies..
you say you had numbness and pain in the shoulder when you still hung around with your mates. you have always had problems with anxiety, its just more diffucult to control now because you been stripped of any 'crutchs' that you've relied on till now. in other words you cant blend in with your mates anymore. now you stick out more and you feel completely alone.
the problem with anxiety is now that you've had a full blown anxiety attack the thoughts of having another are your adding to your anxiety. its a vicious circle.
you say the hospital found nothing wrong with you and this is where your biggest problem starts. any half quilified medical person could tell you straight away you had a panic/anxiety attack, so either you decided not to take the advice and seek counceling or whatever hospital you were in should be reported to the HSE. you feel its easier not to do anything about your situation, but can you continue to feel this angry and distressed? you drink to numb your head. do you have a problem with the drink? an alcohlic is somone who depends on alcohol. will stoping drinking alone help your mental state. No. but as long as you keep drinking you are gonna get worse.
your head is dealing with somthing that happened you a long time ago (and I'm not talking about the fallout with your mates, but maybe that triggered it) in the only way it knows how.
talking to family or friends will certenly help you feel better temp. but the bottom line is you need professional help. its this burying your feelings and turning them to anger that got you here. you need to realise your responsable for your own feelings. you need to take that first step. people are bullying you, but you are doing far worse to yourself. and its NOT gonna get any better. i relaise at this stage of the night, with a few cans in you, your bullet proof again. so try and read everybodys comments again tomorrow.
just remember when your feeling up unfortunatly it doesnt last but likewise when your down it will only be temp, hang in there and get the help you deserve. good luck 'cause it wont be easy but anything is better then this.

af_thefragile

Hey dude,
I totally feel what you're going through cuz i almost got myself into a similar situation too. After the break up with my ex, i went into this whole big downward spiral and completely sabotaged my life. I fell out with most of my friends, stopped going to my college as much and it was just pretty horrible.
I didn't do any drugs or alcohol though, but apart from that i was in a big mess!

And then even i develop this social anxiety where i couldn't function properly in social situations, i couldn't talk to people properly, couldn't hold any decent conversations and i was just getting more and more alienated.

But then after my college ended, over the summer, i was watching Fight Club and after watching that movie i said "**** that! i'm sick of being pathetic! trying to control everything". I had to just let go. Let go of controlling myself cuz the more i was doing that the more i was messing things up. Then like i'm getting better now. I wouldn't say i've fully recovered but its all bout taking all the small steps to achieving the life you've dreamt of.
The first thing you've gotta do is accept who you are, what you've become and try to become comfortable with yourself. Then its an upward climb. You've gotta get out more. When you're on the street, in the store, you're bout to interract with someone (even if its just the person at the till), all these little interactions will help you. Start working out. Go to the gym, if you don't feel comfortable going to one, then just buy some weights and work out at home, to its preferable to do it outside of your home. Atleast go for a jog n feel the cool breeze. Its all these little things that'll help you mate.

So good luck with starting to feel better and feel free to PM me whenever you like.

benson99

yo
i no what all of you mean ...
iv been a poker tourney 2nite finished 2nd won 180 euro 30 euro buy in so im happy about that, had a few pints etc.

mebbe im listening to too much eminem or sumtin i dont no , sing about hollywood:cool:
but your advoid has been great thx guys

p.s the only girl i ever truly "loved" i busted in her door and frightened her even tho shes such a fragile thing, that REALLY affected me , i was drunk , 16 lagers i think , neways thanks.

Miss Fluff

benson99 wrote: »

p.s the only girl i ever truly "loved" i busted in her door and frightened her even tho shes such a fragile thing, that REALLY affected me , i was drunk , 16 lagers i think , neways thanks.

Go and see someone about your drinking, seriously.

zuroph

benson99 wrote: »

yo
i no what all of you mean ...
iv been a poker tourney 2nite finished 2nd won 180 euro 30 euro buy in so im happy about that, had a few pints etc.

mebbe im listening to too much eminem or sumtin i dont no , sing about hollywood:cool:
but your advoid has been great thx guys

p.s the only girl i ever truly "loved" i busted in her door and frightened her even tho shes such a fragile thing, that REALLY affected me , i was drunk , 16 lagers i think , neways thanks.

hey, congrats on the poker, also, read the bad beat, hard luck, those cards happen, its sick.
as for the drinking, it needs checking man. u need to try cut it back, at least a little.

brokensoul

benson - your world has become inverted. You only feel normal when you drink, you begin to feel abnormal again when you sober up. I know the feeling pet, i lived like that for years. It can happen gradually, sometimes so gradually that you dont notice yourself but somewhere alone the line drunk has become your normal/comfortable state of mind.

It sounds like you have had a really ****ty couple of years and i know that bullying can have terrible effects on someone. I am not saying that you have a drink problem, or even if you do im not saying that it is your only problem, but trust me on this one - the drink aint helping.

Fear of meeting new people, paranoia, inability to cope, depression, suicidal thoughts. These are symptoms that many heavy drinkers experience. I used to think that it was pointless for me to give up drinking because i was f**ked in the head anyway! IN reality, once i sobered up alot of those feeling went away. Not all mind, im not telling you that stopping drinking will solve your problems. It wont. BUt it will make them easier to cope with.

Try and start small. Give yourself a week off the booze. You are drinking a huge amount daily. I know from personal experience that this level of drinking distorts your thinking and worldview even when you are "sober". Give it a week, see if you can cope booze free.

If you want to talk, feel free to PM.

benson99

i went up until 11 2nite without booze but i had to go buy some and here i am again . lol :mad:
thing is after a night of drinking i have massive chest weirdness neck pain everything like that, its insane

starting monday i swore to myself im not gona drink for 5 days until friday , if im feeling good friday i wont drink at all hopefully , its a start at least.

Dudess

Hi OP, re the nose fluid: it's hayfever season, and the pollen's been particularly high this year. You're fine!

But the thoughts that there's something serious wrong with you, the panic attacks, the anxiety, the depression... please go to your doctor. Not because you have the life-threatening illness you're afraid of, but because you seem to have very severe - crippling even - anxiety. Please talk to your doctor about it. Please. You don't deserve to go through such misery.

benson99

no matter how many times people tell me im fine i still believe i got cancer or heart disease or something, its insane , been like this for 2 years or more

im never suicidal ever so i no it aint depression just pure anxiety

neways first step to cut off the booze and cut down the fags to 5 a day i think that will help me alot then go see the gp.