Need a woman's advice

LegacyUser

Don't really know why I'm posting here but really I guess I'm just hoping some of the ladies out there can shed a bit of light and maybe give me some insight into whats going on (apologies in advance for the long post!!).

I've been with my wife for the last 10 years or so (married for the last 2). My wife has always had issues around sex and was a virgin when I met her when she was 23, it was a couple of years before we had sex, and we would regularly go a few months without. This went on for a few years until we got married and then things went down-hill. After getting hitched all she wanted was to go out with the girls and it was about a year before we had sex again, in the last 2 years we've had sex maybe 3 times. She tells me every now and again that she's up for it but when I try it on my efforts amount to nothing no matter what approach I try (and believe me I've tried everything I can think of!!). It's gotten to the stage that I no longer look at her or think of her sexually because it just gets me so frustrated even though she is v attractive and has a great body because I know nothing will come of it (no pun intended!!).

I'm at the stage now where I'm seriously thinking of having an affair, not for the sex but just to feel alive and wanted again. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head but under NO circumstances will she talk about it, it's like she knows there's a problem but won't face it. What I'd really love to know is if there are any girls out there who maybe were on her side of the fence who can explain how I can understand how to support and help her

akamossy

Ok, don't cheat. It is a recipe for disaster. I understand where you are coming from here, i can understand how frustrating it must be. But what you need to do is sit her down and talk to her and ask her why this is the case. If you don't, then how is this marriage going to work and having an affair will not make it any better. You really need to tell her how you feel, as simple as it may seem, that's what you have to do. Having an affair is not the answer and will make things worse not better.

LadyE

Have you talked about why she has sex issues?

Maybe address this?

Have you told her how frustrated you are? Can you discuss councilling (sex or couples), I think its Accord provide this service.

I would 100% dissuade you from having an affair, it will ruin your marraige.

If you want to feel wanted, can you do date nights? I think its very important to still have "couple" time as well as time as time out with your friends, this will maybe get the spark back?

Best of luck OP, can imagine how frustrating it is for you.

SarahSassy

It sounds more like a friendship than a marriage which is not what you signed up for.. Its all very fine and well pussy-footing around the issue and not talking to her about it but basically she married you under the misappehension that you, as a couple, would be having sex and she is not living up to her side of the bargain....

She needs to know how seriously this is affecting you and the vows you made... Maybe the truth of how serious the situation is may wake her up to what she might lose if she continues to be 'cold'.... Being in a relationship is compromise and effort and she is doing neither here...

StandnDeliver

couple counciling,couple time all sounds good.But maybe the key is book a weekend away somewhere and just let it all out,if her mates arent there to run off to the pub,then its time and space to confront it.Maybe an activity together,and get to know each other again.

Best of Luck

LolaLuv

I'm asking this in all seriousness: Is it possible she's a lesbian? Never wanting to have sex with you, always wanting to hang out with the ladies. One never knows, these things do happen.

As a poster above said, it sounds more like a friendship than anything else. Try counseling, talking to her, etc, and if nothing else works, take it from there. Really, though, I wouldn't say it's normal at all for a woman to be that ambivalent about sex. I haven't had it in a year and a half and am going nuts.

estar

doesnt really work long term unless as you say partners are getting satisfaction elsewhere.
for her to be so vehemently against speaking about it or acknowledging the issue means that there must
be some trauma or issue lying behind why she obviously doesnt enjoy sex or seek it out and would
rather it didn't exist.

you sound like a lovely patient man. marraige only works when the needs of both people are being taken into
account. and your wife is not taking your needs for intimacy seriously.

tell her exactly what you posted here - not that you want to cheat but that sometimes due to the lack
of intimacy you feel so lonely and rejected that you worry the marriage wont last, and that you really
both need to sort it out.

you deserve to live a fulfilled healthy and satisfying life and for your sake i hope your wife agrees.
your wife needs to learn that ignoring something doesnt make it go away. she definitely needs counselling
both with you and away from you.

the sooner you can communicate with her the better. a weekend away is probably a good idea. that way
you are removed from your normal surrounds and can really talk.
please talk to your wife im sure she doesnt want to lose you. but you need to communicate to her that you need
change. there is nothing wrong with having a healthy libido.

just like someone shouldnt demand sex so someone shouldnt
refuse all sex.

estar

offer relationship counselling that i have heard is good

look them up

estar

accord in ireland

relate in uk

sorry!!!!!!

djScarey

There may be more fish in the sea. For both of you.

IanCurtis

Sounds to me like you've been suckered into the worst of the female confidence tricks....marriage, security with no effort on her side.

She probably doesn't even fancy you and just married you for the stability.

Sorry, but it happens every day in Ireland. All part of keeping up with the Jones's.

Best of luck with the divorce.

Beruthiel

You need to talk to her asap and insist that ye see a professional about this.
She is now 33, most women in their thirties can't get enough of sex, they are in their sexual peak and if she's not feeling that, then there is most likely something wrong.
How you have managed like this for 10 years is beyond me.

Talk to her, tell her exactly how you feel and what it is doing to you and your marriage. She needs to understand this is serious and will be the end of your relationship if she doesn't make an effort to sort this.
Best of luck with it.

all the stars

Hiya,

So sorry to hear you feel like this... you have to explain what you feel & what you have been thinking (cheating).. It does sound like a friendship, which is unfair to you as thats not what you wanted.. you need to understand why she doesn't want you sexually.
Perhaps she's too scared to say anything for fear the marraige may end?

MJOR

Cheating won't solve the problem, only escalate it to a level where things will get out of control. Libido comes in ebbs and flows but there is something not right here. Is it possible that you wife may have been abused sexually when she was younger? Or maybe she is afraid of something. You need to sit her down and talk about it. Explain that you love her, find her attractive and want to know what is wrong.....

I understand you want to feel loved and desired... Cheating will give you the phsical but nit the emotional.

dr oatker

Sorry to be so blunt about it but have you considered that she might be getting it somewhere else?

Sleepy

OP - protect yourself before doing anything. Hide your assets (have you a brother you trust who could mind your cash for you?) and get a divorce.

You don't have a marriage.

Sangre

ultimatum time. either she faces the problem and makes attempts to fix it (e.g counselling) tell her you're off. you may as well have married a guy.

Wibbs

Have to say, this does not look good. Her lack of sex drive could be her natural level. It may not be a problem per se and no amount of romantic weekends away may change that long term. I think you really have to grab the bull by the horns and discuss this and tell her that the marriage is in serious danger over this. Now this may temporarily spice things up so you have to be aware of that, but if she won't get into it or brushes it off, Sleepys post above looks more and more an option tbh.

Dizzyblonde

The thing that sets a marriage/loving relationship apart from friendships etc is the physicality of it. Without sex you might as well be friends who share a home.
Don't cheat - seek relationship counselling and see if you can sort it out.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the post!! To be honest most of the things people have suggested are things I've thought about too i.e. her being lesbian, cheating etc. but I don't think this is the case (but could always be wrong). I really don't want to cheat but to be honest it's kinda more about finding out what I'm missing and whether it's something I can live without. I've tried bringing up going for couples counselling before but was shot down in flames. I don't want to walk away if it's something that can be fixed, just don't know where to start fixing it. Do agree with a lot of the posters that at this stage we're more like friends which makes it harder cause I still love her, it's a bit like going to bed every night with a friend you're in love with and not being able to do anything about it!!

cjmcork

OP, I've been that woman - I was with a guy for a few years and at the start you could have cooked food off us we were so hot, but his family got involved and it absolutely killed the physical and eventually, the emotional side of the relationship - we could only get private time if we went away for a few days and at that the mammy was on the phone 4 times a day............it ended obviously, but by that time, there was nothing physical about our relationship.

I hope it works out for you OP, but the signs aren't good

Beruthiel

unregd hubby wrote: »

I've tried bringing up going for couples counselling before but was shot down in flames. I don't want to walk away if it's something that can be fixed

How can it be fixed if your suggestion got shot down?
If she is not willing to see the problem, what can you do?
If I were in your shoes, I'd basically be telling her to get this sorted or it's over. I'd be pointing out that I gave it 10 years, more than most would have done and as she's not willing to make things work, you're off.

LolaLuv

If she refuses counseling, then it's time to move on. I think it's a bad idea to cheat because, if we're being totally honest, your marriage is doomed anyway and you don't want to have to tell the next woman you fall in love with that your last marriage ended because you were stepping out. Believe me, that WILL come back to bite you in the ass in the future.

Of course you can't go without sex for the rest of your life. You're still way too young (assuming you're around her age), and people need to be touched. It comforts us, excites us, and reminds us that we're human. But do it honorably. Separate or divorce and then look for sex elsewhere.

WilmaRidesAgain

Beruthiel wrote: »

How can it be fixed if your suggestion got shot down?
If she is not willing to see the problem, what can you do?
If I were in your shoes, I'd basically be telling her to get this sorted or it's over. I'd be pointing out that I gave it 10 years, more than most would have done and as she's not willing to make things work, you're off.

Yep +1

She is being extremely selfish here. There are possibly good reasons for her lack of interest in sex but no excuse for her refusal to talk about it.......to you, you are her HUSBAND.

She owes you an explanation.
You cannot trick someone into a relationship/marriage and then dry up the sex on them, its contract broken as far as I am concerned.

Ive been you and I would only give you one piece of advice, jib her, and dont delay, I wasted years on a fella like she is and the only regrets I have about dumping him is that I didnt do it a hell of a lot sooner.

Have an idyllic love life now with someone who is into it as much as me and no regrets.

Dont end up bitter and waste time wondering whats going on in her head and pandering to her selfishness.

Shes had her chances, its time for her to jog on.

LegacyUser

I guess I'm slow to confront her because she reacts so badly and really I want to try and understand what's going on and don't want her to feel that she's under attack cause that won't do any good. Whenever I try and bring it up she feels like I'm attacking her but I think she's just very sensitive about the whole issue. Maybe it's gone too far now...I just dunno...I'd hate to just walk away after all this time but in some ways I feel like I'm dying a slow death. I think at this stage if she said that she only saw me as a friend I could handle that cause she really is a good person but I just can't seem to get her to have an honest conversation about what's going on, she just keeps telling me she loves me etc but actions speak louder at this stage. I really need a way to get to the bottom of this in a way where she doesn't feel threatened and wants to be open and honest....just haven't a clue how!!!!

SarahSassy

OP, the bottom line is that you can spend another 3, 5 or 10 years waiting to get to the bottom of this and try to find out why she acts like this but the chances are that you wont... She wont acknowledge the problem. She wont talk about it. She wont explain it and she is not dealing with it.

Random strangers cant tell you why she is doing it.. She herself cant / wont even tell you why she is doing it... Im sure she is a good person but she is also a very selfish person. She is withholding a basic element of your married relationship - loving sex within a loving relationship and by your own admission its slowly killing you. I dont blame you as it would also kill me but its also slowly killing the relationship.

By her saying that you are ''attacking'' her when you bring up the subject is a block defense.. Both you and she know that you are not attacking her. She knows it works when she says this to you, you stop asking her about it and she gets away with it again... Its simple... She acts offended and you let her off.... By allowing her do this, you are to a small extent feeding the problem. She is causing the bulk of the problem but by allowing her act like this with no consequences then you are allowing the problem develop too..

You have no sex life within the marriage, you seem to have minimal communication skills so what do you have??? Are you happy with companionship for the rest of your life??? Only you can decide!!! At this stage you can continue as you are in a sexless marriage, allow her to manipulate the situation and play you like a puppet or you can explain how you feel and tell her what you want for your joint future..

You have been more than patient but its time to decide - stay as you are or deal with it like mature adults...

LolaLuv

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

Yep +1


Ive been you and I would only give you one piece of advice, jib her, and dont delay, I wasted years on a fella like she is and the only regrets I have about dumping him is that I didnt do it a hell of a lot sooner.

Have an idyllic love life now with someone who is into it as much as me and no regrets.

I think that's the best advice you've received so far. You can get over everything but the time wasted, that's the hardest part to justify.

I agree with Berrie.

But maybe the reason is that she just has never enjoyed sex.

McGinty

Hi Op

Whilst I have never personally been like that, the description of your marriage sounds exactly like my partner's marriage that he had. He was married for 16 years, and over the years the intimacy died to the point there was no love life for a number of years, at the time he knew no different. Eventually she left him for another man, and he was left devasted (I am not implying this is the case with you) but what he learned from that was both of them were just friends in the same house and not a loving couple. Since meeting me he is experiencing a whole new life, I know that may sound egotistical, but like beruthial said I am a woman in my 30s, plus I am very affectionate, warm and loving so he benefits on all accounts. He now sees what he missed out on.

I would urge you to either develop an intimacy with your wife if she is willing, tell her how undermined you feel and if she is unwilling to do the work of reparing the marriage, you may have to consider other options, I know leaving a marriage is extremely difficult and painful (I did many years ago) but it is either that or a lifetime of no affection or physical love. The thing with sex is its not just sex, but the cuddles and kisses as well, and it really is lovely and its a shame you are missing out on that.

Pherekydes

McGinty wrote: »

Hi Op

Whilst I have never personally been like that, the description of your marriage sounds exactly like my partner's marriage that he had. He was married for 16 years, and over the years the intimacy died to the point there was no love life for a number of years, at the time he knew no different. Eventually she left him for another man, and he was left devasted (I am not implying this is the case with you) but what he learned from that was both of them were just friends in the same house and not a loving couple. Since meeting me he is experiencing a whole new life, I know that may sound egotistical, but like beruthial said I am a woman in my 30s, plus I am very affectionate, warm and loving so he benefits on all accounts. He now sees what he missed out on.

I would urge you to either develop an intimacy with your wife if she is willing, tell her how undermined you feel and if she is unwilling to do the work of reparing the marriage, you may have to consider other options, I know leaving a marriage is extremely difficult and painful (I did many years ago) but it is either that or a lifetime of no affection or physical love. The thing with sex is its not just sex, but the cuddles and kisses as well, and it really is lovely and its a shame you are missing out on that.

This is very close to my situation, too. My wife left me for another man when I was only 29. Our sex life had dried up in the previous 3 years or so (to the extent that I didn't have sex between the ages of 26 and 30). My sex drive simply died. After she left, I met another woman, who was warm, affectionate, caring and loving, and we're still together 18 years on. Sex isn't the be all and end all of any relationship, but it is vitally important.

OP, sorry to say but if your wife won't seek counselling then your marriage is effectively over. You need to tell her. Explicitly.

Blush_01

OP - many posters have said what you now have is more of a friendship than a marriage, but I disagree. What you have isn't even a friendship. Personally, I would never allow my friends to make me feel so dissatisfied about an aspect of my life that they were explicitly involved in. Furthermore, I couldn't indefinitely live with someone who completely disregarded my feelings and attempts to resolve issues between us - even if they weren't a friend.

Most people say their partner is their best friend. Can you say that of your wife? Would she say that of you? If she's so unwilling to consider you in the grand scheme of her life, and if your life doesn't factor into her decisions, then can you even call her a friend?

I'm not saying you should cut and run - you know what's best for yourself, even if you don't want to acknowledge it, and none of us can tell you what that is. But if what you've been doing so far isn't working, then you need to step it up in some way that highlights how upset and neglected you feel - WITHOUT cheating and giving her an opportunity to paint you as the reason for your relationship breakdown.

We only have your side of the story here, but if you feel this miserable then you owe it to yourself to demand better. Best of luck.

maryjmul

Firstly i dont think your wife is having an affair from what youve said it appears sex was never high on the agenda with her in the first place,and sorry to say the problem is partially your fault too , why would you let this go on for so long,and the feelings you have about having an affair is completely natural as we humans love to be loved and desired its what makes us feel good about ourselves,who would want to be in this relationship i can tell you no-one as it is soul destroying for you ,what you need to do is tell your wife exactly what you have said here and take it slowly from there if she loves you she will be willing to work with you and if shes not intrested than you will have to decide where to go from there but for your own mental health sort this and be very honest about you thinking of having an affair as this maybe the shock she needs good luck

Schnooks

Not got a whole lot to say, I think it's already been said by most of the other posters, and said very well I might add.

From my experience, once the intimacy goes from a relationship, it is gone. Yes gone.

It sounds like you OP have never had that intimacy in your relationship, so I am at pains to understand why you have carried on with this woman for 10 years? I suspect you thought marriage might change her, but things are worse than ever and she won't even discuss it, let alone try and do something about it?!!

Do yourself, and her, a favour and put the wheels in motion to move out and finish things between you and this completely unreasonable woman. You are wasting your time here. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but no sex till after you are married for 1 whole year? This is not just abnormal, it is downright mental. Make the move pal, move on and forget about her as she is a lost cause and not your problem anymore.

Wagon

I can't add too much to what the other posters have said. Don't cheat on her (although I honestly can't blame you if you do )
It also strikes me that your a very nice guy, but there's times when you have to take away the "nice" face and put on the honest one. Tell her straight how your feeling, that you can't talk to her, that you're more of an insurance policy than a lover. If she or you cries, don't stop talking until you have it all out. If she walks away, you have your answer. If she refuses and keeps saying she doesn't want to talk about it (or she "can't" talk about it) to you, again you got your answer.
Honestly, don't get your hopes up. She's probably get mad and tell you your suffocating her. Then get yourself sorted and divorce her. It's time to start thinking of yourself. I'm real sorry it's come to this man, and I wish you good luck with whatever happens.

estar

if she wont even consider your pain and discomfort and seek a solution and is silly enough to think that sex doesnt matter she doesnt love you. if she loved you she would hate to see you in pain and dis satisfied and would put you first.

i would probably advise you to be practical - and think rationally. what is in this marraige for her ? realistically how does she think its going to last? does she honestly think a sexless marraige is going to last and also a marraige without proper communication?

im not a believer in dumping if theres a problem. i am a believer in dumping if a person in a relationship has closed the channels of communication as she has done.

so give her one last chance. ask her to change. and if she says no accept it is over. and as has been said previously protect yourself before it heads for divorce so that the divorce works out fair. if you cheat it is more likely you will be the reason for divorce.

you are worth more than what she is currently offering. tell her this.

Lucy Lambourne

Is there a possibilty that your wife was abused/raped before you met her? I know it's a really traumatic thing to contemplate but it was the first thing that sprung to my mind after I read your post. If you already had a great sex life and suddenly it took a down turn then it would be more likely due to another factor..ie affair, fallen out of love with you etc, but she's been like this since you were married which suggests that this was an issue for her since you've been together so it was more than likely an issue for her before she met you. I'm not suggesting you ask her out straight about this.Its an awful thing to ask someone and an awful thing to have to ask. But I do think that you need to explain to her the seriousness of the situation as it sounds like the two of you have been coasting along for far too long and too many things have been left unsaid.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all the help. I had thought that maybe something had had in her past (so did she for a while) but I think she's too scared to check it out (understandably). At the moment she knows something is up with me cause I'm not in the best of moods, what happens is she gives me the green light, I try it on and nothing happens which makes me angry at myself for being so stupid, not really at her to be honest. The whole thing really I guess is that I want her to want it, don't want her just "Thinking of Ireland" cause that would just turn me right off, at this stage I'd settle for a good snog if I felt there was real passion in it.
Having read a few posts I'm starting to agree that an affair isn't the answer both for my sake and hers, at least if we did split she could say "well at least he never cheated" which is something I don't want to take away from her cause it ruin her trust in men, also to be honest it goes against everything I believe, was just desperation I guess. I know eventually I'll have to bite the bullet, just don't feel strong enough for the fallout at the moment. I'm willing to stand by her no matter what she says or feels provided she can just be honest, just wish I could get her to be honest with herself!!

Beruthiel

unregd hubby wrote: »

I know eventually I'll have to bite the bullet, just don't feel strong enough for the fallout at the moment.

None of us ever feel strong enough for this kind of fallout.
It won't be easy.
However, once it's over and some time has passed, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
You deserve to be with someone who cares for you enough to at least talk to you.
I would have to suggest, that if your wife actually cared enough for you, she would be willing to do what ever it takes to make this right.
The fact that she's not willing, speaks volumns to me.

I'm willing to stand by her no matter what she says or feels provided she can just be honest, just wish I could get her to be honest with herself!!

As she seems to have a habit of not listening, I think writing her a long letter telling her exactly how you feel, what it is doing to you and your relationship and the fact you are on the 'last straw'
This way, you'll be able to get it all out without her interrupting you.
Best of luck.

SarahSassy

Beruthiel wrote: »

I think writing her a long letter telling her exactly how you feel, what it is doing to you and your relationship and the fact you are on the 'last straw'

This is a really good idea.. Arrange to go away for a night and leave it for her to read and mull over.

She is not taking your issues seriously.... From thinking about it, Ill bet there were issues there before she met you. There is nothing wrong with being a 23 year old virigin but it is unusual and they fact that she never 'took' to sex indicates that maybe she was a virgin for reasons other than waiting for the right man....

Its obvious you are not ready for the fall out now, but do you want to waste another 10 years and that can pass by in the blink of an eye....

I think its very mean of her to give you the green light and then just to back off / lie there... Thats pure mind games and not a good indication of things to come.

Have you 2 ever discussed having kids?? If she wants them, then how does she plan to have them???

barbiegirl

Hi OP
Again not much to add just to reassert that if she won't talk about it or deal with it, your marriage is effectively over. It is always hard to walk away from someone you love, no matter the reason, but ultimately it is worth it.
Leave the letter, try to talk to her again, and if she won't, call your best mate, your brother or sister or someone, pack an overnight bag and move out. It will feel like it's killing you to do this, but ultimately it is giving you back life.
If anyone asks why the marriage broke down just say you grew apart and couldn't communicate, true but not putting the blame on her.
Move on, lick your wounds, if you can stay friends without dragging you down do so, if not cut her out so you can have a proper relationship. You sound like a really great guy and there is someone out there for you.
Prepare to protect your assets whilst being fair. Tell your mum and dad and close family you are having issues so they are prepared to be able to support you. They will, you are their son, brother etc. Book some time off work, either to talk through the issues if she responds to the letter or to get your head around the ending of your marriage.
Good luck and come back on here and you'll get the support you need whatever way it goes.

WilmaRidesAgain

Hey OP,

Second what all the posters said here. I think the letter is a very good idea. That way she cannot say later "Why didnt you say anything to me?"
It will be there in black and white.

Also, I know you dont feel strong enough for the fallout right now, but I have to tell you it never gets easier, my breaking point came at about 6 or 7 years but it took me a further 3 or 4 years to get out of it by the time we sorted the property and all the rest.

I was you, so this is your future self speaking, there will never be a good time. I dont know how many weddings, christmasses, birthdays, holidays etc came and went and I used them all as reasons to delay. I also spent a lot of time working on finding out the "reasons" and wanting to "get to the bottom of it" being confused about being friends with the person and all that stuff. But ultimately delaying it only made it harder.

Also bear in mind while you are waiting, the woman you may be truly meant to be with could come and go and you might lose her.

Dont fiddle while Rome burns man, the sooner you start the sooner your life starts.

I can understand your hesitation, I really can, but the more you let it go on the weaker and less able to make the change, make the break that you need to make.....

Think of now as being like being underwater, held in a sort of half life, not dead but not alive, soon one day you will burst to the surface and everything will be in full colour and stereo sound, please dont waste your precious years on a half life, I know you have fear, but the thing you should be afraid of is the present not the future.

I hope I explained it right.

Wibbs

All I can add is that you're getting seriously high quality advice from posters here. There's not one of them I disagree with. That level of consensus is rare enough here or anywhere else. Take strength and purpose from that advice and start as soon as you can. If you don't nothing will change.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to say thanks again to everybody for taking the time to read and reply to my post. Your posts really have helped clear up a few things in my mind, and even changed my mind about a few!! I suppose the hardest thing is that I've just gotten used to it and in a lot of ways forgot what it was like to have a "normal" sex life and everything it means. For a while now all my energy has gone into trying to fix/understand the situation so in a lot of ways it was stopping me from having a life. I know I need to have that chat and that it aint gonna be pretty but I guess it's long overdue and if she over-reacts then at least now I'll know she is and can put that to one side. I guess for a long time I thought I was just being unreasonable and selfish but now I see that isn't totally the case. Maybe I should have been a little more forceful from the start in asserting what I wanted but I guess I just wanted to respect her boundaries and show her I cared (which I still do), maybe now the ball is in her court to show she cares now. Still doesn't stop me feeling cruel for doing it though!!

Ruby-J

as much as you love her and respect her, you really do need to sit down and talk about it once and for all.

You can have a wonderful relationship with somebody and be married to them and have little or no sex life. thats fine if both people agree to it but at the end of the day if two people dont agree to that then its never going to work out.

honestly you need to talk to her and if she doesnt want to talk to you or brushes it off i reckon you proabably will have to give her an ultimatum as YOU are the only person who can control your own happiness.

Think about it. Do you wanna feel like this for the rest of your life???

As much as you love her...things really need to be out in the open and she needs to be honest with you as to why she doesnt want sex.

i hope things work out for you soon.

Loopy

You poor fella..

Horrible situation your in. Aside from the sex, its the intimacy and connection that your missing too.

I agree with Beruthiel, women in their thirties are generally a lot hornier than in their twenties as they know exactly what they want and are comfortable with their bodies. There are a couple of scenarios here as some of the above poster's have pointed out.

she is having an affair
she is a lesbian
she may be just not into sex
She may just not fancy you (sorry that's harsh:o)

OP, you cant continue like this. Don't go elsewhere for sex as you will be riddled with guilt and although your wife is being very unfair to you by not talking about this, you having an affair would not be very unfair on her (I speak from experience, it was done on me).

Sit her down and demand she talks to you. She knows there is a problem so although you have said she will not talk, tell her you are at the end of your tether and hopefully she will relent. I hope you get to the bottom of this. Best of luck.

CrazyNoob

unregd hubby wrote: »

Maybe I should have been a little more forceful from the start in asserting what I wanted but I guess I just wanted to respect her boundaries and show her I cared (which I still do), maybe now the ball is in her court to show she cares now. Still doesn't stop me feeling cruel for doing it though!!

I dont think you need to be forceful - just absolutelty Direct - in what you say to her from now on. Either she helps to sort this and not ignore it or its over.

Btw in the meantime you should be preparing for a split and sperating your assets from hers, I'd urge you to begin building your nest egg prior to the above conversation, as men generally (note I said generally before everyone kicks off) get sour deals where divorce is concerned (eg that nut Mills getting 25million!!! and claiming she re-sparked his career)

SarahSassy

unregd hubby wrote: »

Still doesn't stop me feeling cruel for doing it though!!

To be honest, she is being emotionally cruel to you for years....

SarahSassy

unregd hubby wrote: »

I guess for a long time I thought I was just being unreasonable and selfish but now I see that isn't totally the case.

That isnt AT ALL the case.... You need to stop beating yourself up for wanting to make love to your wife... Its a normal, natural and admirable urge and its the way it should be in a relationship....


Sorry I can never manage to multi quote.....[/SIZE]

seahorse

If this does not prove something that can be fixed (which is doubtful, since she clearly has no desire to fix it) then I would advise you to walk OP. There's just no way I'd put up with that, and I'm not just talking about the no sex aspect of it all; I am talking about the lack of caring she is displaying towards you in refusing to deal with the issue.

I agree with SarahSassy in that she has been cruel to you for years. This is ten long years of rejection we're talking about here, ffs; that is emotional cruelty in my book.

Muggy Dev

....but for an intolorable situation which has been perpetuated for over 10 years,I can´t but think that you yourself have made a contribution to your own troubles.Weakness in a man....women despise it.

With or without her......grow some balls.

Best of luck whatever route you choose.

Lollipops23

OP the urge for sex is probably our most basic(after hunger) as human beings. Your wife may have emotional issues when it comes to sex-or she may just not be a highly(or moderately)sexed person.
Either way, no relationship can thrive without intimacy-something that you are not getting in any shape or form. It is perfectly natural to feel hurt and frustrated about this. I do think that there may be reasons for her stance on this though, so please do give talking to her one last shot. Let her know that you're considering ending things over it, it's that important to you.