Insulted by mum!

LegacyUser

Ok, So here goes, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, I'm 23 and unfortunately still living at home, and my mother recently dropped a bombshell on me by asking me was I gay?! like wtf?

I was in a few relationships with girls in my teens and in a relationship until very recently with another girl none of these were introduced at home and my parents didn't know what I was upto etc. Tbh I was too embarrassed of them to introduce anyone I was with to them, my mother hates anyone whom is in a relationship with her kids, (you should see how she treats my sister and her bf) and my father is just simply an idiot and is so out of touch with modern young people I cringe.

Both are extremely religious (catholic guilt here we go) and the idea of sex is a sin etc. I have managed to put up with them and I do love my parents and they have done wonders for me due to their comfy position in life but this clanger really offended me and left me deeply hurt; I have got nothing against gay people and I know both gay and lesbian people and I get on grand on with them but to be branded as one is a different matter.

Since the start of this year, I have become image conscious and lost some weight and began actually doing "sissy things" as they call it like using cosmetics and paying attention to my skin, getting my hair styled instead of getting it razered off like every other skanger and I even got a man makeover and a massage! I think these things are great and they make me feel and look good, I also got some nice clothes and pay attention to how I dress. I did all this too look and feel good and also in the hope it would help me meet the right girl, first impressions count!

However it came when I was looking into going on a city break to Berlin or Eastern Europe and naturally I asked their opinion, as you would, fathers response was "shur, all them europeans is full of queers and whores" Mothers was "shur man your not a fool shur isn't he one too; You can tell us if your queer son, we'll always be here for you" Naturally I lost it and basically a shouting match ensued and I haven't spoken properly to them since it.

Am I overreacting? I feel betrayed in this one and it is my life to live as I see fit and I wish I could escape home, but my financial position sees me tied in there for at least another two or three years before I can afford a half decent mortgage on a house.

bug

I always think the best way to deal with these things is through a good Oirish sinical sense of humour.

It's a question of survival and not caring what parent's think at the age of 23 and not asking their advice about any matters at all unless absolutely necessary. You'll find a nice balance then.

Seriously, pay no heed what so ever and enjoy what you get out of them.
Don't be sensitive to their opinions and take the piss out of them as frequently as possible. They'll do the same back and all will be well.

cHaTbOx

awful-parents wrote: »

Ok, So here goes, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, I'm 23 and unfortunately still living at home, and my mother recently dropped a bombshell on me by asking me was I gay?! like wtf?

I was in a few relationships with girls in my teens and in a relationship until very recently with another girl none of these were introduced at home and my parents didn't know what I was upto etc. Tbh I was too embarrassed of them to introduce anyone I was with to them, my mother hates anyone whom is in a relationship with her kids, (you should see how she treats my sister and her bf) and my father is just simply an idiot and is so out of touch with modern young people I cringe.

Both are extremely religious (catholic guilt here we go) and the idea of sex is a sin etc. I have managed to put up with them and I do love my parents and they have done wonders for me due to their comfy position in life but this clanger really offended me and left me deeply hurt; I have got nothing against gay people and I know both gay and lesbian people and I get on grand on with them but to be branded as one is a different matter.

Since the start of this year, I have become image conscious and lost some weight and began actually doing "sissy things" as they call it like using cosmetics and paying attention to my skin, getting my hair styled instead of getting it razered off like every other skanger and I even got a man makeover and a massage! I think these things are great and they make me feel and look good, I also got some nice clothes and pay attention to how I dress. I did all this too look and feel good and also in the hope it would help me meet the right girl, first impressions count!

However it came when I was looking into going on a city break to Berlin or Eastern Europe and naturally I asked their opinion, as you would, fathers response was "shur, all them europeans is full of queers and whores" Mothers was "shur man your not a fool shur isn't he one too; You can tell us if your queer son, we'll always be here for you" Naturally I lost it and basically a shouting match ensued and I haven't spoken properly to them since it.

Am I overreacting? I feel betrayed in this one and it is my life to live as I see fit and I wish I could escape home, but my financial position sees me tied in there for at least another two or three years before I can afford a half decent mortgage on a house.

I think you are overreacting a little bit ,but you have a right to be annoyed at the assumptions of your parents.But as you said ,you have kept your social life away from your parents.Also ,as you said ,your parents are out of touch with modern life.This and the fact you are doing things that were assumed as traits of some one who was gay in their time ,will of course make them question things.

I know at this moment in time you are very offended ,I would be too (I have been),but theyre your parents at the end of the day and they meant no harm in asking you.They just wanted too know so they could just accept it ,I would expect. Maybe you should get away from the house for a bit and see what they mean to you and it would give you a chance to cool down .It doesnt really matter at the end of the day what they think,It's how you feel and if you feel good that's all that matters.

You have already lashed out at them and I think they know you are offended .To take this further would make a rift between you and them.Family is for life.

diddley

I think getting that offended over it is taking it way too far tbh.

If you're secure in your sexuality why do you care?

seahorse

Lol, I'm sorry, but for Jaysus sake; is this the biggest problem you have???!

Come on now; if you're running around using cosmetics, getting your hair styled and having a man makeover and a massage on top of making sure to "pay attention" to your skin - well, what the hell else do you expect them to think????

You need to either lay off the cosmetics and the hair gel or stop being so hyper-sensitive - it's your call!

seahorse

By the way, I'd just like to add that your mother sounds like a lovely woman. I'm sure there are a lot of young men out there who are actually gay whose nerves would be in shreads at the thought of coming out to thier parents and who'd love to have a mother who'd react like yours. Not to say that this benefits you in your situation, but just something you might want to think about. She sounds like a caring understanding lady who doesnt deserve to be shouted at, especially not in response to telling her son she'll "always be here for you" no matter what.

MIN2511

Calm down, there is nothing wrong with being gay. And if you are mad at her, then you should sit her down and tell her how much you appreciate her concern etc.
Mothers think they know it all:rolleyes:

It can be offensive but ah well she has your interest at hear although nosey



btw; maybe it's time to leave home.....

Karl Hungus

So, it just boils down to your mum asking if you were gay, and you flipping the lid because of it?

Get a grip here, honestly. I was asked the same thing by my mother when I was younger, and I just told her no, that was the end of it. There's no call for any shouting match, so I think you probably owe your parents an apology on this one.

impr0v

OP, are you gay?

It would explain how incensed you are about what is actually a fairly typical naive Irish mammy question. Many you've wondered yourself and aren't actually sure, but don't like the idea...?

Just putting suggestions out there.

Another, and possibly more likely, suggestion would be that your mother has old conservative Irish values, married young herself in line with the tradition of the time, and is wondering why your love life is at spring stage when it's november on ye olde worlde calendar. Her curiosity happens to coincide with the start of your sissy phase and she plucks an answer out of eastenders.

dolphinius

It's your parent's sense of humour. Believe me I was at the butt of many of my father's jokes throughout the years.
I lost it too on many an occasion. He hated all my gf's, never the right one for his darlin' son etc. Even when I was 40.
Catholic guilt... I remember the time he poured holy Lourdes water all over my crotch.
He was they only man in the world that could bring me to a red mist in one sentence.
They come from an old and darker time in Ireland. The humour as they grew up was fairly cruel.
It was meant to keep everybody in their place. In case the priest ruined the family reputation from the pulpit, etc.
Being free to-day means being an individual. In harder olden days, it was keeping a united front.
Sure you're only being the rebel. We all do that. We had to.
Next time it happens, and it will.
Just say to yourself, 'Jaysus, they're off again, bless', shake the head, smile to yourself and just go about your business.
In 30 years time, when you're a dad........

Beruthiel

awful-parents wrote: »

"shur man your not a fool shur isn't he one too; You can tell us if your queer son, we'll always be here for you" Naturally I lost it and basically a shouting match ensued and I haven't spoken properly to them since it.

Why naturally you lost it?
Considering the amount of actual gay people out there who will never be able to tell their parents due to being disowned, I think you are damn lucky to have such wonderfully open minded parents.
Ok, your Ma made a mistake but she was trying to tell you in her own why that no matter which way you swing she has no problem at all with it.

Apoligise for loosing it and explain you felt insulted at the time.
Seriously, if this is the biggest problem you have with your parents then you are one lucky man.

the_syco

It's simply a case of: if you have an ounce of dress sense, you must be gay. I'd say the only other person that they know that can dress well is gay, so they added 14 + 28 together, and got 2.

all the stars

Hey,

You should have laughed! Not gotten so offended... You should have replied "Im a metrosexual" (lads who are comfortable wearing pink and getting facials etc.)
That would have freaked her out!
Not such a big deal chap - she could have called you much worse..

Dudess

Sorry but it's totally understandable your parents suspected you're gay. No sign of a girlfriend and all that grooming? Of course those aren't remotely indications of homosexuality but obviously people as old-fashioned as your parents are gonna assume they are!

dolphinius wrote: »

It's your parent's sense of humour. Believe me I was at the butt of many of my father's jokes throughout the years.
I lost it too on many an occasion. He hated all my gf's, never the right one for his darlin' son etc. Even when I was 40.
Catholic guilt... I remember the time he poured holy Lourdes water all over my crotch.
He was they only man in the world that could bring me to a red mist in one sentence.
They come from an old and darker time in Ireland. The humour as they grew up was fairly cruel.
It was meant to keep everybody in their place. In case the priest ruined the family reputation from the pulpit, etc.
Being free to-day means being an individual. In harder olden days, it was keeping a united front.
Sure you're only being the rebel. We all do that. We had to.
Next time it happens, and it will.
Just say to yourself, 'Jaysus, they're off again, bless', shake the head, smile to yourself and just go about your business.
In 30 years time, when you're a dad........

Jeez, no comparison really between the OP's parents and your dad - seems like your dad would have lost the plot if you announced you were gay...

sam34

op maybe you need to leave home and put some distance between yourself and them? for eg, if they're as old fashioned as you say, why are you asking their opinion on european city breaks? its not like theyd be able to tell you about the merits of cities in terms of drinking/night life/shopping etc.
if you cant afford a deposit for a mortgage- rent! it might then take you longer save for a mortgage but it would give you more independence

mjquinno

awful-parents wrote: »

but my financial position sees me tied in there for at least another two or three years before I can afford a half decent mortgage on a house.

renting not an option?

star-pants

Must say OP I agree with what most others have said - if you kept your social life to yourself and you are improving your grooming techniques - at this day in age, they may just think 'what if he is?' and made a bit of a joke about you being gay, probably in the hopes of dropping the hint that if you were it was ok to tell them.

I was afraid my parents would think I was gay (not that there's anything wrong with it, I'm just not) because any relationships I had, weren't brought to their attention for various reasons (I was away from home for college). And because of that I thought they might come to that conclusion - why wouldn't they? I wouldn't be particularly offended, I'd just laugh and say 'hell no'. (they have since met boyfriends)

I think you took it a bit more personally than they meant it - maybe just have a chat and say you're sorry for over-reacting but that you aren't gay and so took maybe a bit of offence to it by mistake.

For example -- my mother turned around to me the other week and asked me if I didn't find someone [in my life(and I'm only 24)] would I have kids on my own? .. I thought 'what kind of question is that?' but I didn't get annoyed about it. Parents wonder these things

Monkey61

Come on Dude, have to agree with what a lot of other posters have been saying - your mother sounds really really lovely. I know you think they are old fashioned, but that is a remarkably enlightened thing for her to say. For which she deserves a big hug a box of chocolates!

Seriously you needto do some major apologising for flipping the lid cos that wasn't cool, especially in the light of such a caring gesture.

Also I have never experienced someone who is actually comfortable with their sexuality reacting in such an extreme way to being asked if their gay. Honestly man deal with it!! It's not an insult to be asked if your gay! Your reaction is actually quite offensive and it really makes your "old fashioned" mother seem a hell of a lot more enlightened than you!

badolepuddytat

You can't have your cake and eat it! You have a very different lifestyle and value system to your parents, and your choice to live with them exposes them to it, therefore they are going to comment! Cutting down on your treats would help you towards affording to buy/rent sooner but you have to accept the compromise if you want to live at home and it's not really fair to fly off the handle for an innocently made and well meaning remark. Seems like you're happy enough at home and it's allowing you to have quite a comfy lifestyle so maybe you should be grateful for that.

moco

It sounds like your mum was only messing with you. Sure mine's always asking if I'm a lesbian cos I don't have a boyfriend.

seandugg

man makeover.....

akamossy

I think you may have over-reacted slightly. She was really only making an observation on the behaviour she had witnessed from you. Try and introduce any serious gfs you may have in the future to your parents, may stop them wondering and jumping to the wrong conclusions. As for the taking care of yourself looks wise part, a lot of men do it nowadays, take longer then women some of them, doesn't neccessarily make them gay. This is a bit of a stupid stereotype.

DenMan

Hi OP

You are right to have been insulted that way by your parents. However your reaction was a bit over the top. If you are comfortable with your sexuality then it doesn't really matter what they think. Assuming you are straight or gay.

It does sound like that your parents are out of touch with today's people. There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe you should encourage them to do something to help them get educated with today's world. Maybe do a part time course which will allow them to meet other parents or younger people and they can then integrate more properly and therefore be able to relate to you more easily.

You are going to be spending the next 2-3 years with them. You will all have to get along and I know you don't want another shouting match with your Mother. Invite some of your friends over for a few hours when you think your parents are ready. Good luck.

geminilady

hi there, i think you are a bit overeacting but what i did not notice is their reaction " We'll always be here for you" you should really focus in on that. They obviousely care a lot for you.
Also i think your mam was saying it in a jokey way so i dont think you should take offence.
I dont think you should change your behaviour to suit everyone, but realise that natural beauty is just as good too! ; )
good luck!

SarahMc

You overreacted by shouting and getting angry, and you are behaving like a toddler by sulking and not talking to them.

colly10

seahorse wrote: »

You need to either lay off the cosmetics and the hair gel or stop being so hyper-sensitive - it's your call!

Nothing wrong with looking after yourself

@the OP - Id find it annoying to be asked that question myslef but loosing the plot over it is a bit over the top. They're old fashioned and all of a sudden out of nowhere you start looking after your skin, hair and start dressing well, to them these things may be signs. You just got to get over it really and forget it was ever asked.

AngryBadger

Think you're over-reacting a fair bit OP.

Maybe your parents are a bit "old-fashioned" or whatever, but it sounds to me as though, regardless of whether they think you might be gay or not, your mother was letting you know it wouldn't be a problem in any case.

As seahorse said, there are probably loads of people out there who would give their right arm to have that kind of support.

They may be wondering about your sexuality, starting to get makeovers and stuff is a pretty big change, it's not unreasonable that your folks might notice this and wonder. it doesn't mean you are gay, in fact it's doesn't necessarily need to be a commentary on your sexuality at all, they're just looking and you and wondering.

No harm in that, and wouldn't it be worse if they didn't care at all.

Obviously I don't know your parents, but rather than being the old-fashioned killjoys you describe, I'd be inclined to think that your mother at least is a very caring and supportive person. And if she does think you're gay the fact that she wanted you to know it's be ok means she's actually the complete opposite to how you see her. She's so forward thinking that she wants you to know there'd be no problem from their end.

If I were you I'd apologise for reacting the way you did. No need to give yourself 40 lashes, you're obviously going through some stuff right now, but your parents don't deserve that kind of reaction when they're only trying to look out for you.

Chinafoot

awful-parents wrote: »

Tbh I was too embarrassed of them to introduce anyone I was with to them, my mother hates anyone whom is in a relationship with her kids, (you should see how she treats my sister and her bf) and my father is just simply an idiot and is so out of touch with modern young people I cringe.

I have to say, you sound so much younger than 23. I'm not trying to insult you but I would honestly expect to hear those comments from a 16 year old who thinks his parents don't understand him. Look at your username for goodness sake..."awfulparents". It sounds like you need to get out of the house and grow up a little.

awful-parents wrote: »

Both are extremely religious (catholic guilt here we go) and the idea of sex is a sin etc. I have managed to put up with them

Well aren't you the little trooper. Do you want a medal for having "put up" with the people who are still caring for you at the age of 23? There's many parents who would have shown their kids the door by your age.

awful-parents wrote: »

this clanger really offended me and left me deeply hurt; I have got nothing against gay people and I know both gay and lesbian people and I get on grand on with them but to be branded as one is a different matter.

Branded as one? My god man, for someone who thinks his parents don't understand "modern young people" you sound pretty old-fashioned yourself.

awful-parents wrote: »

However it came when I was looking into going on a city break to Berlin or Eastern Europe and naturally I asked their opinion, as you would, fathers response was "shur, all them europeans is full of queers and whores" Mothers was "shur man your not a fool shur isn't he one too; You can tell us if your queer son, we'll always be here for you"

Like Beruthiel said, your mam was telling you in her own way that if you are gay she'll support you. That kind of contradicts all that you've previously said about them in this post.

awful-parents wrote: »

Naturally I lost it and basically a shouting match ensued and I haven't spoken properly to them since it.

Grow up. You are living in their house and I assume you expect them to treat you like an adult? You should really start acting like one. If you were so fine with gay people you wouldn't have reacted the way you did. Time to take a look at yourself instead of pointing the finger at your parents.

awful-parents wrote: »

Am I overreacting? I feel betrayed in this one and it is my life to live as I see fit

Yes you completely overreacted. You're still overreacting...betrayed?! Get a grip. Your parents are free to comment on anything that goes on in their house. I don't see how your mother asking if you were gay impinges on your right to live your life as you see fit.

awful-parents wrote: »

and I wish I could escape home, but my financial position sees me tied in there for at least another two or three years before I can afford a half decent mortgage on a house.

Bullshít. Go rent an apartment for a while. You obviously feel that your parents are making your life difficult so get out. Perhaps cut back on the cosmetics, hair stylists, clothes buying and city breaks and you might have a bit more money to spend on rent.

You can't have it both ways here. You are living in their house and quite frankly you're acting like a complete child. Your mother was being supportive in her own way and you threw a tantrum. I'd suggest taking a long look at your actions and then offering your parents a sincere apology.

skooterblue

You havent got awful parents. Its just well, they are mal-adjusted children of rural Ireland, strictly influenced by an overbearing Roman catholic church and being brought up in an isolated conservative community. How do I know this? Because I come from a similar situation.

All they had to wash with when they were younger was soap and then all 8 of them shared the one bar of soap. The Roman Catholic church still ran this country until the early 1990's. You are fupped if you do or you don't. The best thing for you to do is to get your own place. I came from a small rural community where we moved to in the 1970's and are still branded as outsiders. I couldnt get a girlfriend until I was 19. Couldnt get a sh*g until I went to college. Father was always teasing would I ever give the girlfriend one? Then he is shocked when my mother finds condoms in my room. Parent go mental when I have a non national girlfriend. Wouldnt you be better off with "someone of your own kind"?. No, it is no longer legal to marry or a long
term relationship with your cousin or inbred neighbour.

This is where you have to stand up for yourself. At 23 you must be finished college/Apprenticeship/working full time. You are too old to be living at home. Go houseshare it will be a learning experience for you. And go to a mixed house. Its going to be a social shock for you. You cannot walk around naked, you must buy your own toilet paper, you must clean up after yourself and you have to pay your bills.

Your parent are only trying to raise you the best they can. Remember the only way they could "get any" back in their day was to get married. Accept that there is a generation gap and move on. They do love you its just raising kids is hard to get right. how do you balance being over protective and not taking an interest in your childs welfare. Go out and skin your knees, I promise you, you'll never look back.

estar

awful parents would disown you if they thought you
were gay

grow up and realise that is not an insult.

its just a question. they are saying they would support
you if you were gay, as far as i can see.

many parents still in this day and age, wouldn't

get over your own prejudices before you start
trying to change your parents. why are you freaking
out about being called gay? why would it be that bad?
so you are not. big deal. tell them your not, and thats it.

war, famine, death, being called gay.

mrsdewinter

You're living under their roof and all you can do is 'put up' with them? Get over yourself. More than that, get yourself into a rented house, sharing with a few people and when you're faced with no toilet paper for a week, recall the good old days back at home with those 'backward' folks of yours

jackal

Ok OP dont mind them, parents are clowns.

now... WTF does a man makeover involve????

LegacyUser

I can see where your coming from in the sense of being embarrased about your parents. My embarrassment goes further to include my immature younger sister. Thankfully religion hasnt been a factor for me cuz im not practising one and my parents are mixed (Catholic and Johovah Witness - converted after 10yrs of marraige) I'm 25 but made the leap and am now living in a place on my own. I can do what I want when I want and not have to consider anyone else but ME. The thoughts/opinions of others should not influence you in your day to day lifestyle. If you want to look smart, like you said first impressions count, then so be it. However you may have over reacted with your mum with her comment. You should explain to her exactly what sexuality you are and the comment from your dad shows his lack of understanding outside of his own community (not trying to be smart or judgemental on your Dad).

Simply put - do what you want to do and if the behavour of your parent is affecting you personally then have a long think of what is better for you. Having your parents putting you down constantly OR move on and get what you want from life.

Best of luck

Lollipops23

awful-parents wrote: »

Mothers was "shur man your not a fool shur isn't he one too; You can tell us if your queer son, we'll always be here for you" Naturally I lost it and basically a shouting match ensued and I haven't spoken properly to them since it.

Ok so lots of straight lads would be extremely offended if somebody thought they were gay, even of they are not remotely homophobic.

But here's the thing; your mum was pointing out that if[/B you were gay she'd still be there for you. There's so many gay people out there who wish they could say the same!! Fair enough, you're straight as a dice from what I've read, so why so annoyed? if your parents are as old-fasioned as you make em out to be, they probably don't get the whole modren-man, metrosexual thing at all....you're talking about people who's idea of skincare was a good aul shcrub until yer bright red!!!!