How's it goin, doll? I'm Jim. I like kittens and saving the world

tallaght01

So, I'm supposed to be going speed dating this weekend.

Obviously, when it comes to ladies, you should never be honest. As some wise man once said "Never be yourself. No-one is gonna be interested in your REAL self". :pac:

So, how can I spice up my drab life to impress hot ladies?

Do I take the sensitive approach and pretend I work as a volunteer in a puppy shelter?

Or do I go for the exciting, yet mysterious approach, and pretend I was once a subaquatic special forces commando?

For all the guys here...what lies do you hit the ladies with when you're trying to get a rattle?

And before anyone pretends they don't embellish the truth when they're out on the pull, we all know EVERY guy does it

So, hit me with your best aliases. Bear in mind, it has to be a quick story, as I'll only have 8 minutes.

Best one wins a blue peter badge

seamus-2k7

Whale biologist

zAbbo

Ask her more about herself, that way you'll only have about 10 seconds talking to do.

RedXIV

international martial arts superstar.

ah no, find a story that makes em laugh, preferably with you getting alot of mishaps on the way with a mediocere ending. If you can relate it to something they said, you're on to a winner.

aidan_walsh

seamus-2k7 wrote: »

Whale biologist

Whale OBGYN, ftw.

Steve_o

"Hi my name is Randall, and I start fires..."

seamus

Don't worry, "I'm a doctor, I spend my day saving people's lives", should be enough.

TeletextPear

dress in a really nice suit and then say "sorry im looking a bit scruffy, i spend so much time reading to sick orphans that i dont get much time to shop... id love to have a woman to help me pick out my clothes"

bam, you're in there

tallaght01

seamus wrote: »

Don't worry, "I'm a doctor, I spend my day saving people's lives", should be enough.

Nah, savvy girls read between the lines and see the reality of that one "I work a 24 hour shift every 3 days and I have an obsession with my work to the detriment of whatever poor girl that gets saddled with me".

International whale urology martial artist goes down way better

tallaght01

TeletextPear wrote: »

dress in a really nice suit and then say "sorry im looking a bit scruffy, i spend so much time reading to sick orphans that i dont get much time to shop... id love to have a woman to help me pick out my clothes"

bam, you're in there

This is what I'm talkin about.

Good effort. If i score, you'll be the first to get the pics lol

Seamus has a point....you already have the perfect alias as a padeatrician.

Otherwise I'm impressed by tradesmen....and people who give me the impression they have an interest in me.

TeletextPear

tallaght01 wrote: »

This is what I'm talkin about.

Good effort. If i score, you'll be the first to get the pics lol

what can i say, i have a way with the ladies.... not much help to me seeing as im a girl tho haha

suspectdevice

just tell her that you genuinely feel, no matter how corny it sounds to her, that sexual compatibility is the most important thing, that there is no point in wasting dates finding out about each others tastes in food, wines, clubs, books, music, movies or anything else and then when you get down to the nitty gritty that you don't find her sexy or she don't find you sexy.

hump to fu'ck on the first night and if its good then its worth figuring the personal stuff later. you know, sure anyone can be a vegetarian if they get head like that very week.....

seamus

tallaght01 wrote: »

Nah, savvy girls read between the lines and see the reality of that one "I work a 24 hour shift every 3 days and I have an obsession with my work to the detriment of whatever poor girl that gets saddled with me".

"But I work so hard, I have no time to spend the thousands of euro I earn every day, and I really want someone who can take care of my money for me."

Instant hottie magnet.

tallaght01

suspectdevice wrote: »

just tell her that you genuinely feel, no matter how corny it sounds to her, that sexual compatibility is the most important thing, that there is no point in wasting dates finding out about each others tastes in food, wines, clubs, books, music, movies or anything else and then when you get down to the nitty gritty that you don't find her sexy or she don't find you sexy.

hump to fu'ck on the first night and if its good then its worth figuring the personal stuff later. you know, sure anyone can be a vegetarian if they get head like that very week.....

Thye have this weird rule that you can't use overtly sexual language in the conversation at this event. I'm worried that if I say all that to her she's gonna ring the "pervert bell" and I'll be hauled out and shamed.

tallaght01

TeletextPear wrote: »

what can i say, i have a way with the ladies.... not much help to me seeing as im a girl tho haha

On the plus side, you would make an amazing lesbian though :pac:

jester77

Just get straight to the point...

"I'm not into small talk or formalities, so how about we first shag, get that out of the way and take things from there"

suspectdevice

tallaght01 wrote: »

Thye have this weird rule that you can't use overtly sexual language in the conversation at this event. I'm worried that if I say all that to her she's gonna ring the "pervert bell" and I'll be hauled out and shamed.

ah man, that sucks, pervert bell. what, do people actually go to these without sex on their mind? suppose some girls would, but lads, surely not.

i can imagine soon they will bringing out this little thing that monitors your heart beat and stuff, looking for signs of arousal, and the bleeper goes off and you get hauled out for just thinking about whether you would hump her or not, or you might even think you woud hump the one that some other bloke got to talk to first

funk-you

"Hi, I'm Trent Douglas. I'm an airline pilot. I trained in the airforce for two tours before deciding an a quieter life and moved to the commercial side. Yes i would like to have a few kids(i love them) and a nice big house but at the moment i'm concentrating more on experiencing the good things in life."

-Funk

Board-in-work

wear an eyepatch, with a white suit....Pay the waiter to interupt the date - "I'm sorry Mr.XXX, I didn't see you arrive, let me get you a better table" etc etc.Make sure you arrive with an orphaned orangutang - (shoot both the parents for realism.) Give the ape to the waiter - leave with the bird.

TeletextPear

tallaght01 wrote: »

On the plus side, you would make an amazing lesbian though :pac:

time for a career change

tallaght01

funk-you wrote: »

"Hi, I'm Trent Douglas. I'm an airline pilot. I trained in the airforce for two tours before deciding an a quieter life and moved to the commercial side. Yes i would like to have a few kids(i love them) and a nice big house but at the moment i'm concentrating more on experiencing the good things in life."

-Funk

Is it a good idea to add "while in the airforce I topped the confirmed-kills league table 3 years running. It involved some unauthorised cluster bombing of Iraqi villages. But that's me, unconventional and a bit of a loose cannon".

Or does kill-rate chat turn the ladies off?

Creature

Special forces commando. If she pushes for details just say it's classified. Don't forget to mention that you're trained to kill a man within 5 seconds using your bare hands.

That or boards.ie moderator, I'm sure that gets all the ladies.














...to flee in terror

chickenhawk

funk-you wrote: »

"Hi, I'm Trent Douglas. I'm an airline pilot. I trained in the airforce for two tours before deciding an a quieter life and moved to the commercial side. Yes i would like to have a few kids(i love them) and a nice big house but at the moment i'm concentrating more on experiencing the good things in life."

-Funk

Don't bother. They never believe the pilot line even if it's true (nearly).

funk-you

chickenhawk wrote: »

Don't bother. They never believe the pilot line even if it's true (nearly).

You'd be surprised. It's all in how you sell it. You need backstory with attention to detail.

-Funk

suspectdevice

suspectdevice wrote: »

just tell her that you genuinely feel, no matter how corny it sounds to her, that sexual compatibility is the most important thing, that there is no point in wasting dates finding out about each others tastes in food, wines, clubs, books, music, movies or anything else and then when you get down to the nitty gritty that you don't find her sexy or she don't find you sexy.

hump to fu'ck on the first night and if its good then its worth figuring the personal stuff later. you know, sure anyone can be a vegetarian if they get head like that very week.....

I am dubious about the prospects of sexual fullfillment in the long term with someone who can't appreciate anticipation.

However if like you he is prepared to give regular head to a girl who won't eat meat. Well then his luck might well be in.....

5starpool

If I have learned anything at all from TV it is that woman instantly love doctors, so who am I to disbelieve trashy American shows?

Alternatively, but not too alternatively, tell her that you worked as a flying doctor in Australia for a few years. Otherwise tell her you are a taxi driver, and to reinforce that, sit backwards on the chair and look at her over your shoulder.

tallaght01

I've never brought my prejudices about anyone's dietary choices into the bedroom.

Do members of the vegetarian community find sexual discrimination to be a big problem?

:pac:

tallaght01

5starpool wrote: »

If I have learned anything at all from TV it is that woman instantly love doctors, so who am I to disbelieve trashy American shows?

Alternatively, but not too alternatively, tell her that you worked as a flying doctor in Australia for a few years. Otherwise tell her you are a taxi driver, and to reinforce that, sit backwards on the chair and look at her over your shoulder.

American docs earn a fortune though!

I'm lovin the idea about looking at her over me shoulder. If I charged her for the 8 minutes, I could make some cash out of her too.

win-win situation, 5starpool. Good work.

The Hill Billy

5starpool wrote: »

If I have learned anything at all from TV it is that woman instantly love doctors, so who am I to disbelieve trashy American shows?

Aye, that may be so... But I'd keep quiet about the galloping-knob-rot (that you may or may not have caught from a patient, possibly in the local STI clinic) that required drastic surgery some months ago.

tallaght01

Hill Billy wrote: »

Aye, that may be so... But I'd keep quiet about the galloping-knob-rot (that you may or may not have caught from a patient, possibly in the local STI clinic) that required drastic surgery some months ago.

LOL

I caight it off yer oulone :pac:

GirlInterrupted

RedXIV wrote: »

international martial arts superstar.

ah no, find a story that makes em laugh, preferably with you getting alot of mishaps on the way with a mediocere ending. If you can relate it to something they said, you're on to a winner.

Classic PUA tactic I believe:)

She'll never cop on though...women never see through that stuff......:rolleyes:

Dinter

Most important thing to remember is that women like to know you're intersted in them.

It's pretty easy tbh, just maintain direct eye contact at all times.

Even if this means having to move your chair or stand up or walk around to beside her, or follow her to the toilet or twist under the table if she goes to her handbag.

Remember though it's not mid level eye contact.

Somehow that creeps them out.

Quality

Sperm Donor :cool:

suspectdevice

Moonbaby wrote: »

I am dubious about the prospects of sexual fullfillment in the long term with someone who can't appreciate anticipation.

the bloke has been anticapting this all week, ever since he signed up hes been anticipating it, how long do you expect a bloke to anticpate for?

c - 13

*Smile*

*Handshake*

"Hi, i'm Jim, but my last few girlfriends called me "Oh yeah fuck me harder daddy !" so feel free to use that if you prefer"

Guarenteed to give you a slap in the gob 8 minutes of dirty looks and silence a laugh

Jumpy

Explain about the deficiency you have had since birth.

You have a certain birth defect that meant your overly long tounge frequently blocked your airways. So the doctors had to give you gills.

Very Long Tongue + Ability to breathe through your neck = Interested Laydees.

tallaght01

c - 13 wrote: »

*Smile*

*Handshake*

"Hi, i'm Jim, but my last few girlfriends called me "Oh yeah fuck me harder daddy !" so feel free to use that if you prefer"

Guarenteed to give you a slap in the gob 8 minutes of dirty looks and silence a laugh

Jumpy wrote: »

Explain about the deficiency you have had since birth.

You have a certain birth defect that meant your overly long tounge frequently blocked your airways. So the doctors had to give you gills.

Very Long Tongue + Ability to breathe through your neck = Interested Laydees.

For the benefit of any birds reading this, the above are both true, so no need to lie :pac:

boardinwork

Board-in-work wrote: »

wear an eyepatch, with a white suit....Pay the waiter to interupt the date - "I'm sorry Mr.XXX, I didn't see you arrive, let me get you a better table" etc etc.Make sure you arrive with an orphaned orangutang - (shoot both the parents for realism.) Give the ape to the waiter - leave with the bird.

IMPOSTER!!!!:mad:

GirlInterrupted

tallaght01 wrote: »

For the benefit of any birds reading this, the above are both true, so no need to lie :pac:

Sold.

c - 13

Alternatively sing this for them, how can they resist -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BH4_mZh-bj8

Ginny

They have a pervert bell? each individual girl or the clipboard junkie?
Ach be honest, fair balls to you for having the guts, the thoughts of speed dating has me whimpering in the corner:D

cuckoo

Mention DIY somehow, as in 'yeah, was just putting up some shelves this afternoon'. This implies that you are good with your hands, comfortable handling electrical tools (so should be ok with any battery operated ones she may have tucked away in a drawer) and would be handy around the house.

What woman hasn't dreamed of waking up some morning in the (strong) arms of a yummy man, who then pulls on a tool belt and puts up some shelves for her?

Davidius

Tell her you have a Gamescore of over 30K.

taidghbaby

as sad as it sounds let her do all the talking and then at end when she asks what you do say that it is secretive, you can only tell certain people you trust and also that it takes a while to describe.......thus ensuring interest, desire and a need in her to please you!!

the_syco

If you know you stand no chance with her, but she's good looking, ask has she ever been screwed a doctor:pac:

GirlInterrupted

cuckoo wrote: »

Mention DIY somehow, as in 'yeah, was just putting up some shelves this afternoon'. This implies that you are good with your hands, comfortable handling electrical tools (so should be ok with any battery operated ones she may have tucked away in a drawer) and would be handy around the house.

What woman hasn't dreamed of waking up some morning in the (strong) arms of a yummy man, who then pulls on a tool belt and puts up some shelves for her?

Funny:)

taidghbaby wrote: »

as sad as it sounds let her do all the talking and then at end when she asks what you do say that it is secretive, you can only tell certain people you trust and also that it takes a while to describe.......thus ensuring interest, desire and a need in her to please you!!

PUA crap again - only bother trying that with the very drunk:)

the_syco wrote: »

If you know you stand no chance with her, but she's good looking, ask has she ever been screwed a doctor:pac:

I'm sure she'd be charmed with that alright:rolleyes:

Raoul

taidghbaby wrote: »

as sad as it sounds let her do all the talking and then at end when she asks what you do say that it is secretive, you can only tell certain people you trust and also that it takes a while to describe.......thus ensuring interest, desire and a need in her to please you!!

Definitely go with this. If she actually likes you, she will ask for your number or be interested in meeting you later and if she doesn't ask, you don't feel as if you are rejected!! :cool:

how long do you have to talk to the girl??

Voodu Child

If it's speed-dating, the smart move would be to hedge your bets and tell a different story to each girl. And tailor each lie to suit the girl - tell the fat one you're a chef, tell the ugly one you're a plastic surgeon, etc.

kowloon

Jump through the roof from helicopter and give them some milk tray.
63% of the time it works every time.

GirlInterrupted

voodoo_child wrote: »

If it's speed-dating, the smart move would be to hedge your bets and tell a different story to each girl. And tailor each lie to suit the girl - tell the fat one you're a chef, tell the ugly one you're a plastic surgeon, etc.

I have to stop reading this thread......

kowloon wrote: »

Jump through the roof from helicopter and give them some milk tray.
63% of the time it works every time.

Although, yes, that would work......;)