eternally single

redcrew

how do i go from the guy girls want to be friends with to the guy girls want to be with?

i'm eternally the 'nice guy', which is all lovely and great but i'm 24 and always single...i last had a girlfriend at 19 and that's far too long even for a 'nice guy'!

anyone want to set me up?

RedXIV

me and you have had this chat before my friend. but if it's setting up you want instead of doing it yourself, leave it with me and i'll see what my contacts in galway turn up.

P.S. If your hunting for a relationship, it won't happen. enjoy being single and some girl will see you, sense your happiness and ruin it on you want to enter a relationship

redcrew

i know Red but i'm fed up now...i don't go out with the intention of finding anyone, just gets annoying when i'm sitting doing some work and there's nobody to text to distract me or ask me how it's going

RedXIV

hmmmm you could do that on this site you realise? i know someone from galway and she's sent me a few texts over the last few days

(sorry lass, you know who you are )

If you're JUST looking for someone to talk to, thats pretty easy. just talk to people on this long enough and send them a number.

Thanks to the impromtu beers last friday, too many people have my number

go to the galway one and meet boardsies!

moomoo2007

Awww you need a hug

MJOR

moomoo2007 wrote: »

Awww you need a hug

yeah...... i know the feelimg i was everyones friend for years.... have you tried Another friend? its a dating / freinship site and i made loads of friends and a biyfriend too

redcrew

i do need a hug

CathyMoran

Well, I married a nice guy so dont give up hope. Stop looking for a mate and get on with your life and then the girls will come running. I met my husband when we were 23 by the way. When I was 25 all the nice guys had been taken, was lucky to get my husband when I did as there was a queue of women after him (he just never noticed them).

redcrew

ok, before this goes too far i don't spend my time looking for someone, it's just sometimes that it gets to me or when friends begin going out with someone or something...i'm not out on a saturday night looking for a girl, i'm out to hang out with friends and have fun

Cathy - I'm 25 soon, will i be taken by then? :P

moomoo2007

So you do pull when you go out? If u see a girl out will you approach her etc?

CathyMoran

Sorry, I did not mean to imply desperation, it is just that if it is obvious that someone is open to dating that they seem too easy to get. I think that women enjoy the chase just as much as men.

I don't see any problem in you being taken by 25, certainly I got the last good man of my contemporaries when I was almost 24. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Mate don't listen to all that "If you are looking you won't find it" crap. If you are looking/trying and you can't get a girlfriend, then you have no hope if you stop looking/trying.

You have to try and get over your challenges, insecurities and confidence issues etc and go out there and chase it down. Look up David Deangello, go speed dating / internet dating - its a numbers game

LegacyUser

the best thing to do is to enhance your self esteem if you are 'putting out there' that you are the nice guy who never gets a chick then that will be your reality,sorry to get all new age about it but im mad into this new way of thinking and it has really worked for me...
have you heard of the book 'the secret'-its the law of attraction... here is a snipit from an example of a woman who was trying to attract a new man-

a woman who created a "love list"—a list of the 100 qualities she was looking for in a man—and then watched as a man who matched the list almost exactly entered her life.

Martha explains there are two ways to create such a list. One is what she calls "the shallow way." "It comes from our fears and from our grasping," she says. "'I want a man to make me happy.' 'I want a man to make me secure.' It's very fear-based. 'I want a man who's handsome so he'll look good to other people.'"

If you make a list for a shallow reason, Martha says, it just won't work.


this is just an idea for you-and it is really working for me-getting really clear about what i want and then building that image stronger and stronger...its worth a try!!!

Gross Halfwit

... I was single for ages mate! Hell, I'm still single now but I don't mind. I'm 25 & I have had a slew of unsuccessful relationships (esp. Last year but that's a whole other thread!) I used to be a real obviously nice guy. I was the eternal friend. Chicks I liked would talk to ME about blokes THEY like. I was treated, in essence, like a girl friend or a gay dude (no offence). It broke my heart & ruined my confidence. I was socially castrated when chicks were around because I saw myself as undesirable so I thought why bother.

But I overcame it. I found confidence in my strong points & to be honest I became a little bit of an insensitive jerk (so American!). If nice aint working then go bad ... easy as. Now, saying that I am nice when it counts & with who matters. Don't forget who you are.

So ...

Here are your options I see from my POV ...

1. Find some low self esteem chick who is desperate for a fella & date her if all you want is a relationship. This will not end well though.

2. Just relax, don't go changing & dont go looking for a relationship. A girl will come along who digs nice guys & you're set. Just have the cajones to recognise & act.

3. Quit being so nice. (Wait, what makes you so nice? Are you just shy about making moves on chicks or what's the story?) And then Become a bastard. It's easy really. Ladies seem to like bastards.

This may not have been helpful but I hope it was!

Oh & at the heart of it all is confidence. You just have to have the confidence to walk up that hill & ask that chick, whomever she may be, out on a date or for her number. The worst she can say is No. I have gotten a helluva lot of numbers by just having the balls to ask! And I'm no oil painting.

But you have to make your move soon before they think they've made another friend! You Dig?!

Good luck & sorry for the long post!

redcrew

Think I'll have to go for option number 2 as I've no desire to be a b******d.

I have asked out any girl that I particularly liked but after getting to know them better after I've realised they weren't right for me anyway - so glad I avoided the last 2 anyway (well long-term, both very pretty IMO and it would've been nice for a while!)

But as I said in general girls like me and they all think I'll make someone happy someday...yeah!

Gross Halfwit

redcrew wrote: »

Think I'll have to go for option number 2 as I've no desire to be a b******d.

You don't have to drop kick a kitten into an orphan's face or anything. Jus let them know that there's more to you than niceness. Hint at some underlying danger. I find brooding helps.

redcrew wrote: »

But as I said in general girls like me and they all think I'll make someone happy someday...yeah!

You're that friend that all your female friends' boyfriends are graded against. I know that feeling. You have done the perfect interview for the job that you're never gonna get!

I hope all works out well for you, dude.

CathyMoran

Thats the spirit One of my favorite songs by Kate Bush has the line "every old sock meets an old shoe" (Moments of Pleasure). I hope that you meet your dream girl soon, it will be worth it.

bennyblanco

I'm with wowman on this one,believe in yourself,and really focus on what you want in detail.Nothing vague.You'll attract her towards you
What have you got to lose?At the very least it'll keep you positive
Good luck mate

Agent Smith

welcome to the friends zone!

redcrew

I hope I don't stay in the friends zone...nice and all as it is...

wylo

read a book by neil strauss called "the game", it will open your eyes, its exactly for someone like you. Basically your being too nice.

Pen1987

redcrew wrote: »

i do need a hug

Ah man, for fook sake, this is where you are going wrong. Your behaving in a needy way.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop agreeing with women and stop caring wether or not they see you as friends or not.

Someone said you could go out and be a bastard. Nah, it doesnt work like that. Women dont want to go out with bastards. They do want to go out with lads with bastard-like qualities though, which sounds mad but let me explain.

Bastards are the type of bloke who will just say whatever he's thinking without caring what anyone who is listening may think or how it may affect them. If someone doesnt like it, so be it, its not his fault. This is a sign of confidence.

Bastards are the type of blokes who will tell a woman the things he may not like about her. Again, confidence.

They are that confident that women are so attracted to them that what amounts to insulting the women will not change that.

A bastard doesnt give two sh!ts about what other men think of him or how he behaves. Because he is alpha-male (how neanthrathal, still)

Does any of this sound like you? Unlikely. I am not a bastard but I will say I have done all of those actions and behaved towards women like that in the past.

The difference is I quanified those actions with other comments. e.g. I didnt just come out telling her things I dont like about her as in 'well yeah, I dont like your nose, its a bit crooked, and your dress sense isnt the greatest... anyway, cinema?'... thats a bastardy thing to do.

I'd say it in a jokey way, like say we're in a club and she tells me shes going to the toilet and I should come down and wait for her outside, NO CHANCE, 'what I am I? your puppy? Nope sorry, your hot but eh... I dont follow around people who wear them dodgey type of shoes... sorry, just a rule I have, *smile* c'mon lets go to the bar' take her hand and walk straight to the bar with her, dont hesitate and let her react, you are in control, uber-confidence... Now, that shoe comment was an insult right... sort of, Its more a joke asserting that I dont need her, I dont have to have her. It ties in with the third bastardy example I gave, you should act so confident and like you are so attractive that you could walk away from her right now and take any other girl in the club, like you are the best looking bloke there, shes lucky to have you, this may be completely wrong, but you should act like it.

All in all, it boils down to confidence IMO. bastards use it in a bad way, blokes who attract women use it in a confident, un-doormat like way.

So stop caring what people think of you, stop caring what women think of you! stop being a walk-over. If you get talking to a girl dominate the conversation, connect with her but dont submit to her... she asks you to get her a drink, say no, if she claims youre being cheap tell her shes being cheap by asking you for a drink in the first place, then point out immeidiately how youre both cheap and must be made for each other. Then change the subject, and dont go back and get her a drink later unless she agrees to buy you two after it (dont hold her to it, just jokingly get her to agree to it, get her to 'pinky swear' on it)... maintain the social balance so neither of you is below one another in terms of owing each other something... i.e. neither of you should owe each other drinks, or spend crazy amount of time with the others friends. So if youre in a club, dont spend ages standing there like, again I'll say it, a puppy while shes chatting to her mates, go over with her if shes asks, introduce yourself, chat away, win over her friends then tell her the lads are probably looking for you, and she should come find you later... you get what I'm saying? its a hard thing to explain.

P.S.

If you want to avoid the friend zone in the long term you must avoid it in the short term, let her know youre interested in her the first time you meet her. I dont mean by walking straight up to her and saying "Hello my name is RedCrew, you look lovely today. I like you, can we go out some time please?"... I mean by touching her while you speak to her, by developing a level of connection whereby you can invade her personal space and speak into her ear. Doing things like this will show her youre not here to be a shoulder to cry on, youre a man who knows what he wants (her) and is confident enough to show that.

homerun_homer

I know it gets annoying to hear too much "just wait and play it cool" type of advice but it is true and now I have to take some of that advice myself.

I was in the exact same boat as you, I would do well pulling from time to time but it never worked out - either I didn't want to have that particualr person as a gf or they preferred me as a friend (or not).
Just wait until you find someone who is worth chasing fully or let it naturally happen. When I first met my first serious girlfriend I was nervous at a party and thought our conversation was hard and a bit forced. The next time I met her I heard she may have been seeing someone and saw her constantly checking her phone. We got on far more relaxed and the confidence of the drink thought that I should try & kiss her, she pulled away. She thought it funny and wasn't freaked out.
The few times I saw her after that I played it much cooler, avoided chatting to her when out and she'd come over to me. She offered me to go to her 21st and I said maybe I would show up. When the time came were a full blown item. It just happens. I had been waiting forever to get to that point.
Now that's over and I have to go about it again, sort of freaked I will be waiting ages but that's life, you never know what is around the corner.
Keep those fingers crossed.

redcrew

the need of a hug was a joke... i go about my daily life normally...i'm not pining away somwhere and looking lonely in a pub... i chat and hang out with friends and go dancing and have fun... if i get chatting to a girl i get chatting to one, i'm not a puppy dog who follows a girl around...i am quiet but so are lots of people...i'm not ugly, that i know.

on the face of it there is no major problem...but i just can't tell if a girl is interested and probably have moved into the friends zone before i realise

MIN2511

redcrew wrote: »

the need of a hug was a joke... i go about my daily life normally...i'm not pining away somwhere and looking lonely in a pub... i chat and hang out with friends and go dancing and have fun... if i get chatting to a girl i get chatting to one, i'm not a puppy dog who follows a girl around...i am quiet but so are lots of people...i'm not ugly, that i know.

on the face of it there is no major problem...but i just can't tell if a girl is interested and probably have moved into the friends zone before i realise

Hmmm, no need to defend yourself-you are who you are and you don't need to change.

Life is very funny, when you are looking for something you never find it and when you stop looking it's like it's always been there...

Stop think about it, you are young-have fun! Do you really want to be in a relationship? Do the dating thing and keep your mind + eyes open

All the best!

redcrew

Not necessarily looking for a relationship...the dating thing would be enough at the moment...sorry about the defensive, just trying to show that i don't mope around with a poor-me complex

BraziliaNZ

Why are all the "i'll be forever single" crew always showing up here? Are people really that unhappy being single? I'm the opposite. I've had a couple of very loving relationships that failed due to me not wanting to be involved with someone as much as they wanted. Now I'm just trying to enjoy being single as much as I can. You can do what you want whenever you want. You don't have to stick to any plan. The world is your oyster. You don't have fights with your other half. Sometimes you get no strings sex from randomers. It's great. And define "nice" anyway? By nice do you mean insecure and no confidence? That's not very nice at all is it?
You're single, you're probably going to be for a while, shouldn't you try and forget about girlfriends and be happy without one? Believe me if you can achieve this you'll probably want to remain single forever, I'm thinking of starting a club...

redcrew

By 'nice' I mean easy to talk to, up for a laugh...I don't lack confidence, when I'm out I'm up for giddiness and fun...by 'nice' I mean that I don't go around groping women and they like talking to me

MIN2511

redcrew wrote: »

Not necessarily looking for a relationship...the dating thing would be enough at the moment...sorry about the defensive, just trying to show that i don't mope around with a poor-me complex

you are fine!


Organise a boards night out in Galway or if you have mates in dublin u can come over this weekend-should be great craic=fun! The more the merrier

redcrew

would love to join in but i'm in Mayo this weekend with friends...Mayo of all places :P

I've not really gotten to know anyone on boards yet so I'll wait til I get a few back and forths from people in Galway before I go to a boards night...but I will

MIN2511

redcrew wrote: »

would love to join in but i'm in Mayo this weekend with friends...Mayo of all places :P

I've not really gotten to know anyone on boards yet so I'll wait til I get a few back and forths from people in Galway before I go to a boards night...but I will

Ah well, everything happens for a reason


Mayo; jeez dude-top spot!
Ah well with time you would get to know us all... And either hate us or love us

I don't think you have a problem, sometimes we all need to vent/rant out

redcrew

you are right...maybe it is just a vent i need to get it all out...everything in it's own good time...

RedXIV

redcrew wrote: »

would love to join in but i'm in Mayo this weekend with friends...Mayo of all places :P

I've not really gotten to know anyone on boards yet so I'll wait til I get a few back and forths from people in Galway before I go to a boards night...but I will

This is not the attitiude you want to take. The impromtu beers on friday had no one familiar with each other (a horror for people trying to find us no doubt ) but it was still great fun. and the best thing about it is that in the flesh when you meet these people for the first time, you can show them a completely different persona to your usual nice self.

Organise a beers yourself. you may be suprised at the turnout and indeed may get a good result


P.S. read Pen1987's advice a few times. there are some gems in that

pretty*monster

Pen1987 wrote: »

If you want to avoid the friend zone in the long term you must avoid it in the short term, let her know youre interested in her the first time you meet her. I dont mean by walking straight up to her and saying "Hello my name is RedCrew, you look lovely today. I like you, can we go out some time please?"... I mean by touching her while you speak to her, by developing a level of connection whereby you can invade her personal space and speak into her ear. Doing things like this will show her youre not here to be a shoulder to cry on, youre a man who knows what he wants (her) and is confident enough to show that.

+1
A lot of guys I know end up being friends with girls because they start out being friends and think that they can change direction in the middle of the race. You have to star out as you men to continue (usually, you can end up ina relationship with someone who started as a friend but it's much harder).

newestUser

I think you did come across as needy and insecure in your posts. You can defend it by saying "oh, it was a joke" and whatnot, but I suspect that a similar thing might be happening in real life, where you make a self-deprecating/self-pitying joke which makes people go 'urgh, he's got a low opinion of himself'.

I think you might be too hung up about this. If you're insecure and lacking confidence, p!ssed off that women aren't showing obvious interest in you from the get-go, that brings you down, dampens your mood, and that's not as attractive as someone who feels well in their skin.

I'd suggest learning to be ok with being single. You'll stop giving out that unhappy vibe. What opportunities do you have to meet women? You need to practice how you interact with women, so seek out opportunities to meet them socially. Don't listen to people who tell you 'it'll happen when you least expect it'. The only people who say that are women, and needy men who agree with everything a woman says (which, as implied by an earlier poster in this thread, isn't attractive). Much of the time men will have to take the initiative. Them's the rules. Unfortunately.

Stop feeling that you *have* to be in a relationship. It's an unhelpful attitude, because it'll land you in a catch 22 situation where you're pissed off because you're single, but you're subtly repelling women because of the way you're dealing with the situation. And you may end up settling for less, or with someone who sees your neediness and wants to be with you because they know they have power over you, or something else. The way you're feeling is not conducive to hooking up, and developing a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone. There's more to life than being in a couple.

zAbbo

You know where nice guys finish?

in the shower

Just to echo the comments already posted, stop looking for relationships, and just get out an enjoy yourself, try going to different places and try different things.

Wibbs

It boils down to this. If a woman isn't responding to you in a romantic way it means she doesn't see you in that light. Basically she doesn't fancy you sexually. This could be simply she doesn't like the look of you or your personality. The latter is usually more of an issue than the former. I've known a few men who were physically attractive yet were wallflowers and other men who were well hit with the ugly stick who had a succession of successful relationships. Obviously whether she like you or not is down to what she's looking for in a partner.

As a man you do have an advantage over women in this. Women are far more judged on appearance than men, hence they're more conscious of that. That's something to bear in mind too. The woman you're attracted to is probably just as self conscious if not more so. Yes a more attractive man physically will have less problem attracting a woman initially, but he is more likely to fall on his arse if the personality doesn't back it up.

As others said, from the get go make it clear that you are interested in more than friends(of course this is with women that you don't want to be just mates with).

Treat the woman as an equal. All this pickup artist type stuff works mainly because it forces wallflowers to be more equal than they're used to being.

The more you're attractive to one or two women and in social settings in general, the more you'll be attractive to other women too. It feeds itself. Women love the idea that the guy they're with or interested in is in demand. Makes sense too as that means he's a good catch biologically and all that stuff. Hence desperation is a major turnoff for women

The usual (bad IMHO) advice in these cases is "to be yourself". I say work on yourself and where you feel you need to improve for you, in all aspects of life. If being yourself worked then this wouldn't be an issue.

RealEstateKing

"Be yourself" is not actually bad advice, if you understand it properly.

Ignore posters that tell you to read "The Game" and tell you to act like a bastard. You cant fake being a bastard.

The reason why men who treat women like **** are never short of a woman to treat like ****: Woman are programmed to find guys attractive if those guys know who they are: So far , so cliche.

If a guy is a total bastard, whatever negative consequences there might be of him being like this, he is still his own man: Somebody who knows who he is. He may even be an ignorant, abusive prick: But at least he never doubts himself. A certain percentage of women will always be attracted to this kind of guy, regardless of the consequences. The primal part of the brain (where attraction comes from) cant see the difference between this kind of guy and a genuinely brave or strong guy.

The thing is, in order to "know who you are", you dont neccessarily have to be like this: Dont suddenly try and turn into some cartoon version of yourself, slamming doors in women's faces and so on.

You are not an Alpha male: There is nothing you can do about that, no matter how many self-help books you read. Here's what you need to do:

Learn to be the same person in public, that you are in private.

If you dont like something, say so. If somebody pisses you off, say so. Say 'no' to things you dont want to do. Examine yourself, watch yourself being a pushover and gradually, consciously replace that behaviour.

This wont turn you into Steve McQueen, but it will allow others to see you as you actually are, not just the nice accomodating guy who doesnt really have a strong opinion on anything. When you reach that point women will find you attractive, AND, they'll be amazed that you are actually a nice guy too, not just nice cause he hasnt the balls to stand up for himself.

You'll be knee deep in snatch from here till doomsday my friend.

AngryBadger

OP can I ask how your social life is in general? As in the one that doesn't necessarily involve women romantically/unromantically IN any capacity? Do you get to head out with your mates every once in a whil, or are you working for the most part and maybe heading out the occasional weekend or every few weeks?

I ask because I generally find that in order for other people to like you (both males & femals) I find you have to like yourself first. And I've noticed that often when people are getting to socialise as much as they need (because like it or not we ALL need other people from time to time), their esteem starts to plummet, and they often start to get upset about not having a partner. Essentially because they're feeling lonely due to a lack of human contact.

This may not apply to you at all, but from the tone of your posts, and the content, you sound like a good guy, you don't come off as someone who has difficulty comunicating. BUT, you do some off as someone who feels kind of bad about themselves right now, and in the absence of a recent bad break-up or something, I'm inclined to wonder if you're feeling down about something else and just homing in on the notion of having a girlfriend?

Possibly I'm way off, but it's worth thinking about. Generally when we're happy with ourselves and jsut out doing or thing BAM! something amazing happens, like maybe meeting someone you really care about.

But when we're bothered by other stuff, often when we don't have many opportunities to get out with our friends, and get out of our own heads we tend to focus on feeling bad and miss what's happening around us, (like the woman of our dreams, they're happening all the bleedin time I swear it! Although not to me obviously ).

Anyway, if I'm wrong I'm wrong, but if there's even the slightest chance I'm right, maybe give it a little though.

ryoishin

Pen1987 that was like a locker room speech a coach gives just before you step in the ring. It got me pumped (not erect) heck I think i might even go to the beers on Friday, alone!


You want a woman buy one you want someone who likes you then you ve got to wait for her.*



*ryoishin does nt condone the buying of women folk.

redcrew

yikes..so much to reply to

1) Pen1987: your advice is something I'll take on board. It's as possible that I don't give the impression I like them that I can't tell if they like me!

2) newestUser: I don't feel like I have to be in a relationship...it's more that I would like the possibility

3) zAbbo: My friends are reluctant to change anything they do. I joined a dance class for a while to give me a bit of variety but I didn't have time to keep it up in the end

4) Wibbs: I'm in a current mode of self-reflection to figure out what I need to work on - it's something I've thought of myself and confidence with women (I'm confident in other areas of my life) is one of them

5) RealEstateKing: I started to read 'The Game' and didn't like it at all. Not for me and I don't want to be a different person to find someone. I want someone who's attracted to me. I'm trying to figure out exactly who I am at the moment but I get what you mean and I'm trying to give it a go

6) AngryBadger: Right now I've taken a step back from socialising I must admit. My friends go to the same places day after day, week after week and are a very insular group in that we rarely talk to stranger and it is quite boring I must admit (they are lovely and great friends but I miss random nights where anything can happen). I used to be out anywhere from every weekend to six or seven days a week last summer. There are a few other things in life that aren't as they should be but nothing too major and maybe I am trying to compensate in some way but it's been a long time since I was with anyone so just for practice it would be healthy (that is a joke)

7) ryoisin: I'm waiting patiently

AngryBadger

redcrew wrote: »

6) AngryBadger: Right now I've taken a step back from socialising I must admit. My friends go to the same places day after day, week after week and are a very insular group in that we rarely talk to stranger and it is quite boring I must admit (they are lovely and great friends but I miss random nights where anything can happen). I used to be out anywhere from every weekend to six or seven days a week last summer. There are a few other things in life that aren't as they should be but nothing too major and maybe I am trying to compensate in some way but it's been a long time since I was with anyone so just for practice it would be healthy (that is a joke)

Ok, that being the case, I'd suggest you look at your current lifestyle. If your usual group of friend is getting a bit stagnate, maybe try arranging more nights out or whatever. It may simply be that as we get more involved in work and farther away from the school/college lifestly it becoems more difficult to maintain the old tempo. Adjustments need to be made there.

How does your working life interface with your social life? I've (very recently) found that re-locating to Dublin city center has MASSIVELY improved my quality of life. If there's something similar you can do I'd recommend it. Maybe arranging the odd night out with work colleagues?

What about social interests/hobbies? Sports, cards, Gaming, Singing, whatever. Again I'd suggest joining an activity. Any time I feel like socialising is an uphill struggle getting involved with some kind of group always relieves me of those feelings. It gets you out of your own head once or twice a week, a much needed change in perspective. It gets you interacting with other people, which is the key with these kinds of little hiccups. And basically it gives you a positive attitude to yourself, you're out, you're having fun, you're socialising with other people. You're a great guy, you have no problem interacting.

I'm suggesting this because I find when there's a break/pothole in the social life we wind up over-focusing on things that would usually not be noticed. We start to feel like we can't interact, and often because we feel lonely, we crave partnership, and inevitably when that's not forthcoming (mainly because we aren't/can't socialise and therefore don't have the opporetunity to meet new people/partners) we start to lose confidence in ourselves and believe that no-one would be interested in us.

So try some of the above, and what many other posters are suggesting, I'm sure you'll feel tonnes better!

Best of luck.

EDIT:I realise it looks like I'm moving away from the "core" issue, that the OP feels he won't meet someone due to always being seen as the "nice guy", but I think what the OP is worrying about re: girls, is not reall ythe primary issue, I reckon the OP has plenty of women who fancy him, but is feeling a little low and maybe focusing on that. Erego he's not only probably putting out the wrong "vibe" but he's also missing cues from women because he has himself so convinced they won't be interested. Hence I think a social shake-up may be in order.

AngryBadger

Good speech from Pen1987 :pac:

I've jsut realised I must come off as a complete unmitigating bastard to a lot of women!
Excelsior!

Peewee_lane

RedXIV wrote: »

P.S. If your hunting for a relationship, it won't happen. enjoy being single and some girl will see you, sense your happiness and ruin it on you want to enter a relationship

HAHAHAHA! Hilarious!:)

P.S Redcrew! Sounds like you need a cuddle, but if you go out, enjoy yourself somone will see qualites in you that they may like and take the chance and shift ya like.Who de besht? You de besht x

redcrew

How do you change your groups of friends though? I like my friends. But maybe I just need more/different friends too

I do sometimes feel like that I want a complete change of scene, New York or London or something but I've always plans months in advance that are important and that I want to follow through on.

I have a fairly active life in that I do some volunteer work, my work gets me meeting a lot of people at times (currently working on a project on my own though - which does suck). My work is also erratic, in that hours and that don't really suit having regular hobbies that need a structured time; soccer training, dance classes etc so I realise that doesn't help

AngryBadger - I doubt you come off as an unmitigating bastard - I think that knowing your own mind is one of the most important characteristics a person can have

redcrew

want to cuddle peewee_lane? :P No, I do enjoy myself when I go out and have fun and dance the night away - in fact I've a ban on myself from going out unless I know I'm going to have fun as opposed to stand around chatting in a corner

AngryBadger

redcrew wrote: »

How do you change your groups of friends though? I like my friends. But maybe I just need more/different friends too

Yes, more friends, no need to get rid of friends, people change, life adds more pressure, there are plenty of reasons we can all drift apart, but these don't necessarily mean friends are at fault, it's jsut lfie and it kinda sucks sometimes.

redcrew wrote: »

I do sometimes feel like that I want a complete change of scene, New York or London or something but I've always plans months in advance that are important and that I want to follow through on.

Could you plan ever further in advance to accomodate a change of scenery like you've described after you've taken care of your current priorities?

redcrew wrote: »

I have a fairly active life in that I do some volunteer work, my work gets me meeting a lot of people at times (currently working on a project on my own though - which does suck). My work is also erratic, in that hours and that don't really suit having regular hobbies that need a structured time; soccer training, dance classes etc so I realise that doesn't help

Yeah I can absolutely understand how erratic working hours make it difficult. I would HATE that.

It's sounding more and more to me like your work makes socialising difficult, is there a sleep/stress issue in there at all?

Anything you can thing of that removes any inhibiting pressures is a good move, as is anything which gives you a fresh perspective or gets you out of your own head for a few hours.

As Pen1987 has said, confidence is like an aphrodisiac with women, and you can't really find an equitable relaitonship unless you can be yourself. So try not to let it stress you, although personally I have no idea how you might achieve this.

How about internet dating? Considered trying that? Can be a great way of accomodating erratic/long work hours. Plus it removes all the usuall pressures of pubs/clubs (in case that's an issue, althought I doubt it in your case).

redcrew wrote: »

AngryBadger - I doubt you come off as an unmitigating bastard - I think that knowing your own mind is one of the most important characteristics a person can have

Have no fear, I tend to make special effort to not offend the people I like/care about, but in sertain social settings I can be kind of oblivious, such as those described in Pens speech, if a strange girl started flirtyily asking em to buy her a drink I'd probably respond with a resounding "No, buy your own dam drink", then 2 days later I'd realise what had actually happened that night

Anyway, I'm off to tinker with Gods work!

Pen1987

ryoishin wrote: »

Pen1987 that was like a locker room speech a coach gives just before you step in the ring. It got me pumped (not erect) heck I think i might even go to the beers on Friday, alone!


You want a woman buy one you want someone who likes you then you ve got to wait for her.*



*ryoishin does nt condone the buying of women folk.

haha, Pen1987 does not condone this buying of women folk either! he thinks its easier just to talk to them until some kind of connection develops... but dont tell the rest of men folk cos they'll think Im a ghey.

redcrew wrote: »

yikes..so much to reply to

1) Pen1987: your advice is something I'll take on board. It's as possible that I don't give the impression I like them that I can't tell if they like me!

I reckon thats exactly whats happening, I dont want to psycho-analyse you further (theres already been way to much of that in this thread) but its probably minor confidence issue that would be easily fixed once you put yourself somewhere 'dangerous' (i.e. where you might get rejected).

I was exactly where you are about three years ago. Same mates, same place, same type of nights, week-in week-out... big group of defensive (albeit some decent looking) lads who would stand in an inward-facing circle and wait to be approached by the woman they've sorta kinda been eyeing up (really just staring at) all night... guess what, the woman never approached, why, because none of us showed any signs we were having fun, none of us had body language that was approachable and none us had the confidence to actually do anything about it. Eventually I started thinking '**** this, I'm not doing that again this week' and I started saying TINY things to random women, not even ones I was particularly attracted to just to get away from the insular conversation with the lads. By tiny things I mean stuff like stopping them as they walked past and saying stuff like 'Sorry, sounds silly I know but I've never been here before, any chance you could tell me where the toilets are?'... she'd say sure, and tell me where, I'd say thanks and walk off. Now thats nothing right? Right, but it proved mentally (even though I didnt realise it at the time) that every woman you approach isnt going to bite our head off like youre some sleazeball.

So after a few weeks that kind of thing would develop to 'Hey, sorry, I've never been here before, did they like hide the toilets somewhere?! I cant find them! I'm totally lost, help!!" and I'd feign panic, she'd laugh and tell me where they are, I'd smile and say thanks, touch her arm and tell her I owe her a drink and walk off, later on in that night she'd come up to me and tell me I owed her a drink, I'd take her to the bar and get her one and so on and so forth, numbers, kisses, sex, whatever.

Why did she come back and approach me, because I was a bit of craic, I made her laugh and I was open to conversation. All things that require confidence when interacting with randomers.

I wouldnt reccommend those book like the game, although loads of people seem to on here. I'd prefer to take small steps out of my comfort zone and develop a bit of confidence that way so I can be the same type of person with strangers as I am with friends, confidence-wise. Start small, I understand if you go to the same place every week you cant tell the people you see every week that you dont know where the toilets are but you can say things to women you know like 'Emma/Mary/Ann, hows things... look I've to get my sister/cousin/friend and present for her birthday, this may sound a bit mad but... where did you get that top? I think it would be perfect for her."... and go from there...


FOR THE RECORD: 60% of my good friends would be female and about half them are previous partners, so as far as I'm concerned I'm still a 'nice guy' I just dont let women walk all over me, nor do I walk all over women. Enjoy chatting not chatting-up women and they'll see you for who you are.

redcrew

AngryBadger: I still have a fear of internet dating I must admit - ironic since I'm seeking advice from board members! I do have one thing particularly stressing me at the moment alright and I know that's not good - another reason why I've cut going out unless I'm going to have fun!

Pen1987:I do chat to women for who they are. I'm a bit strange in that even if a person is hot I'm not actually attracted until I know something about them that might attract me or I've had a conversation with them and I know we get on. Maybe I don't put myself out there enough though... any time I do get female attention it tends to be rather drunk girls who seem hell bent on raping me....and that's not fun!

Pen1987

redcrew wrote: »

Pen1987:I do chat to women for who they are. I'm a bit strange in that even if a person is hot I'm not actually attracted until I know something about them that might attract me or I've had a conversation with them and I know we get on. Maybe I don't put myself out there enough though... any time I do get female attention it tends to be rather drunk girls who seem hell bent on raping me....and that's not fun!

Man, not to sound mad but read this... the thread simplified

'Im single, I want to meet people'

Reply reply reply

'I wouldnt mind somebody just to text when I'm bored'

Reply reply reply

'I dont go out with the intention to get a girl, jus to have fun'

reply reply reply... (You didnt answer the question re: approaching women)

'In general girls like me...'

Reply reply reply

'I dont want to stay in the friend zone'

'I'm not ugly, I cant tell if a girl is attracted to me, I end up in the friend zone'

'I dont lack confidence, women like talking to me'

(In reply to wibbs) 'I need to gain my confidence with women to the same level I have of confidence in other areas'

'Drunk women approach me and try to rape me'

You can either, get these women who obviously like the look of you phone numbers, and text them when youre bored. And thats your first problem solved. Or you could approach the women you are physically attracted too (there has to be some!... I not believing this stuff about not knowing if your attracted to someone until youve spoke to them) and see do they emotionally attract you... or you can do nothing and see what happens. Looking at that simplified version of the thread though can you not see you telling us you dont know what you want? Not to too harsh like, but it comes across that way.

redcrew

Ouch...maybe I don't?! but as a lot of people have been saying being happy with myself is the first step and maybe I'm not...thought that was what the PI section was all about...in the end I'm the only one who can do anything about it and it's all just opinion

and obiviously I find plenty of women physically attractive but in truth I'd only want to be with someone that had more than physical attraction anyway